May 28, 2008

It's time to grow up....

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 1 friends have commented
We met almost 11 years ago. I was moving into an apartment in Newberg and she was already living there. She introduced herself to my parents. When Matt and I got back from packing up the last load in the truck, she introduced herself to me. Nae was 6 months old, Mo was 3 months and Joey was almost 2 years old. I remember feeling like I had known her forever, when we first met. We instantly clicked. Once I got my apartment all organized and Nae on a schedule, her and I would make play dates for the girls. We'd take them on walks, we'd go swimming with them, arrange their nap times around our soap operas, we were the typical stay at home moms. We had monitors for the girls, and when the weather was nice, we'd sit in front of our apartments in the sun and relax. We looked at Victoria's Secret catalogs and ordered bathing suits, shoes and such. We were in our own little world. Our "stay at home mom" world.

One day she came over to my place frantic! Mo was sick and VERY crabby, Joey was learning to potty train and pee'd all over the sofa. *When asked why she pee'd on the sofa, her answer was..."because you told me not to pee on the floor"..damn kid! Rose is standing at my door looking like a frantic stay at home mom. I took her kids, told her to go clean up the mess and take a shower or something. Just relax and take some time for herself. Joey and Nae were playing on the floor and Mo was crying. Well, Mo never REALLY cried. She just had the most pathetic whimper you have ever heard. Her little lip would pout out, her big brown eyes would well up with tears, and she would just whimper. It was so sad and heart breaking. Mo was MAYBE 5 months old. She was a breast fed only baby. She didn't know what a bottle was and wasn't into a pacifier. I didn't know what to do. I knew Rose needed some time to get her head back together and clean up the mess that Joey left her. I did all the "mommy tricks" we do with our own kids, and try to do too others. Mo wasn't having it. I bounced her, I made goofy faces, funny noises, tried toys, ANYTHING. None of it worked. Finally I cradled her and she nuzzled into my breast, rooting around. I didn't know what to do. I stopped nursing Nae when she was 3 months old, so there was NOTHING there. So in a moment of trying to make this baby happy, I nursed her. It worked! She fell asleep in like 2 minutes. All hail the power of the breast! Rose walked in and I felt SO weird! I blurted out "she was crying and I tried everything else and nothing worked. Then she nuzzled and I did it and I'm SO sorry! Please don't be mad at me!!!" Rose just laughed and said, "oh my mom was a hippy and did this stuff all the time, it's no biggie. thank you so much for doing this." And gave me a hug. I breathed a sigh of relief because that could have gone either way. It was in that moment, I knew we would be friends forever. We were opposites, but so much alike as well.

Fast forward to now. Joey is 12, Nae is 11, Mo is 10, trouble is 8 and Zilla is 4. Our families have been through so much the past 11 years. We moved in together almost 3 years, it's been rough, but on the whole it hasn't been too bad. We have all gotten a lot closer and the kids always have something to do.

Her and Joe weren't getting along and agreed on a divorce. they were going to try to make it work with both of them living here in the house, but it just wasn't working. Everyone knew it, but those 2. They were trying to make it less traumatic on the children. It was having the exact opposite effect. They fought more. They talked less, they competed against each other as parents. I don't think they knew what they were doing, but as an "outsider", I could see it. I tried to help them out as much as I could. I did more around the house, I had a shoulder to cry on if needed, I gave friendly advice, but did my best to stay neutral. Rose was going through some stuff and nobody understood.

Our friendship suffered a little, ok a lot. I was very resentful, but I decided to just let it go. Then she met a man. That was tough for everyone. She was with him a lot. It was hard for Joe to see her so happy, knowing he could never make her that happy. It was hard for the children because their mother wasn't around as much. It wasn't as easy for her as it looked. She really liked this man and wanted the children to meet him, but she just wasn't sure. Things were very serious then a few weeks ago, they broke up. It was very hard on her and the kids. She was heart broken. I did my best to console her, but it's hard to console a heart break.

Things turned out for the best. Her and her man got back together and they are head over heels in love with each other. She decided to let her self fall and not stop herself or try to push him away. She was being very adult and brave about it. I'm so proud of her and I am so happy for her. I hope with all my heart this is her "IT". She deserves to be happy, we all do.

She spent the weekend with him. She came home on Sunday, crawled into bed with me and told me she was moving to Tacoma. I knew it was coming. I could feel it. It was the next step in her happiness. I tried SO hard to be the supportive friend, but I couldn't. I broke down and lost it. I cried on her chest for about 5 minutes. We cried and we laughed. I cried tears of joy for her and I cried tears of sadness for me.

I'll miss her. It'll going to hurt to see her go, but I know it's for the right reasons. It's going to be so strange being over 3 hours away from her. I hope and I pray that she and her boyfriend will be happy. The sadness I am feeling is mixed with happiness because she is so damn happy!

It hurts to grow up and grow apart from our loved ones, but sometimes it's necessary. We can't act like college room mates forever. We will forever have what we had and all the years of inside jokes, stupid stories and acting like idiots in public to embarrass the person we're with. It's time for us to build our futures without each other in our back pockets. It's a bitter sweet moment for me.

May 26, 2008

In life, comes joy and pain

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 0 friends have commented

As, I'm sure we all know all to well, life can be joyous and life can be painful.

In my short 32 years on this planet I have had A LOT of joy. I have had pain, as well, but you can't have one without the other. I have watched my parents struggle to give my sister and I an education. I watched my dad work 2 jobs to get us through private school, pay bills, AND have a great Christmas. I was younger and didn't appreciate the situation they were in. I've watched my older sisters struggle with drug use and put our mother and my father through hell. I watched my older brother abandon his son after a few years because of drugs. I also watched those same people blame MY mother and father (their step dad) for the way THEY lived their life. My dad, not only took them in and treated them as his own biological children, but he also gave them as much as he gave to my little sister and I. He did this because he loved my mom and the children that came with her. In turn, for his kindness he was lied to, stolen from, taken advantage of, and told he treated them different then he did my little sister and I. If he did treat them differently it was only because they were SO much older them Adrianna and I. Not, because he loved them any less. My father in a kind man. He would never do anything but treat them well. Even when they told him horrible things, he would still love them. He still loves them, even though they think differently.

I watched my family fall apart when my mother died. I also watched us rally together and help each other grieve and accept this tragedy. I watched our extended family support my family with love and support.I witnessed how important events in lives bring families together. I saw our family fly from other parts of the country to be with us. I saw people that didn't know my mom, send cards, emails or flowers to us. Something beautiful happens, even in the darkest hours of our lives.

I watched my husband's family grieve when their Rock passed on. I watched my husband grieve and feel guilty for his Grandfather's passing. I watched my mother in law lose her father. I sat next to her mother during the funeral and could FEEL her sadness even though people said "she doesn't really understand". It doesn't matter how lucid one is or not, you always know when your spouse passes on. I watched this strong woman with the strong mind, albeit frail body, give her grand kids kind words of support. I learned from her and my mother in law. I learned to believe in the power of prayer and forgiveness. I also learned to be thankful for each and every day that I wake up breathing and the times I can help Nana understand why her body won't work anymore.

I watched the face of my husband as his daughter came into this world. I watched the tears of joy stream down his face. I also watched his eyes sigh with relief when our daughter came into this world a healthy girl. I watched the eyes of everyone who held her. I could see the thoughts and the hope of this new life in our sometimes dark world.

I saw that our lives take turns we don't expect. I looked at the "plus" sign on that pregnancy test after I thought I was never going to see one of my own again and cried tears of joy. I watched my belly grow, I watched my daughter as she got the nursery ready for her baby brother. I remember SO clearly, as he was coming into this world, looking into my mother's eyes and her knowing EXACTLY what I was going through at the time. I don't remember any pain in that moment, it was just my mother giving me the courage as another mother whom did the same thing not too long ago.

Everyone's lives will have tears of joy and tears of pain. We've had a lot of tears of joy. We have, also had tears of pain. Thank God we have had more joy then pain in our lives. Although, I think the time has come for the tears of pain again. I'm not looking forward to the pain that will come with any changes in our lives that may come. I am looking forward to showing my children that no matter what happens, we will help each other through the tragedies and be stronger in the end.

I pray for the strength to be there for my husband and our family when the time comes. I have a feeling the time will come sooner rather then later. I am not fragile, I am strong. I will be emotional, but that doesn't mean I am weak. I won't break. I will bend, but NEVER break! I will be there for my mother in law when she looks around at her life and sees that both of her parents have passed on. I know, she will do the same for me.

Heres to the tears of joy and the tears of pain. I wish for more tears of joy then pain, but life is life.
Take care

May 23, 2008

My cure for my pissy mood

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 0 friends have commented
As I stated before and MANY of the people in my life know this..I am very addicted to Jason Mraz. It isn't just the fact that he can sing, play a guitar and looks REALLY great in jeans ;o) It has mostly to do with his lyrics and the way he sings them. There is no doubt this man is a VERY talented artist.

So this morning I was woken up by 2 children screaming and wrestling around in the kitchen. Not a fun way to wake up. I was unhappy, to say the least. The children in question KNEW I was sleeping and it wasn't my turn to wake up with them and take them to school. It was my "day off". Of course this little bit of information didn't stop them from being little brats. So I fly out of bed and not so quietly tell them to stop and get on with what they need to be doing. I did that "mommy voice" thing. The one where we clench our jaws and talk through our teeth, but somehow it's really loud and gravely and the kids KNOW it's time to do whatever we say. Much like a lion would quietly roar and you just know you better walk away..FAST! The children scatter and they get their stuff done and are off to school without a care in the world. not knowing that waking me up with screaming makes me unhappy. It puts me in a very bad mood.

I grab a cup of coffee, get Zilla settled and sit in front of my computer. I immediately play Jason Mraz's new album. This man's voice and songs ALWAYS fixes my foul mood. This time was no exception. I look up lyrics to make sure the song I am singing *poorly* will at least be correct. I could do the man a favor by not murdering the lyrics. Just everything else ;o) So I'm listening and watching videos and in about 10 minutes I feel myself smiling and my pissy mood is GONE!

So now if Zilla comes up to me and asks me for something, he won't get his head bitten off.

May 22, 2008

Let me indroduce myself.....

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 0 friends have commented
Hey there,
My name is D, Smalls, Princess, Double D..take your pick. I am originally from yahoo 360. I enjoyed blogging there, but lately it's been REALLY slow. I don't like slow things. Well, there are some things that are ok if they're slow, but when my computer works at warp speed and the site I am on is running thanks.

A few things about me...I am a stay at home mother of 2 children. I have an 11 year old girl and a 4 year old boy. They are, of course my life and I do everything I can to make them succeed in life and turn out to be productive members of society. Not sure if I will do it, but I'll do the best I can. I also have a wonderful husband of almost 15 years. He goes everyday to a job he hates for his family and I respect him for that and many things. I have many friends and I love them A LOT. I will do almost everything I can for my friends. I am a mother hen who gives GREAT advice. I enjoy talking and I enjoy listening. I like to go out for beers with my bitches and get crazy and/or crazy drunk. I LOVE to sing, but I sound like a dying cat in lie. My birthday is a holiday! I start a countdown at least 3 months prior to the date. My family and friends get VERY annoyed. I enjoy being called a princess, but only like to be treated one when it suites me. I've never mowed a lawn in my life. I recycle like my life depends on it. I throw away only things that are biodegradable. I LOVE to cook, but I'm afraid to try new dishes. I hate wasting food and money! If my new dish turns out to taste horrible, I feel as though I wasted however much the groceries cost, the food and my time. I don't care to waste my time. I have a lot of stuff to do during the day and doing something that has no positive ending pisses me off. I am sensitive and I get my feels hurt easily. I cry randomly and get angry randomly. I have BAD pms and I talk to one of my best friends about it every month!

I grew up in one of the most loving families in the world. Even though our family has changed, we are still VERY close. I have learned that I am not an orphan, nor will I be ever! My dad and I are a lot closer then any other father/daughter team I know. My lil sis and I are best friends. She rocks. I look up to her as a woman and a sister. The 3 of us have been though a lot and we won't ever give up. We will always support each other. Even if one of us is making the worst decision of his or her life.

I LOVE music! I get addicted to a song or artist and I listen to that album or song over and over and over again for weeks! I have a sick, twisted and very unusual addiction/obsession to Jason Mraz. I don't stalk him or anything. I do, however listen to his music every day. His has a very soothing voice and the lyrics he writes...OH MY GOD!!!!! I've never met the man, but I respect his talent. I think if I ever did meet him, I would be a puddle of embarrassment to him, myself and everyone else around us.

That's about it...I'll copy and paste some previous blogs from my yahoo account. Take care....

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