Sep 27, 2009

Passing on THE Torch

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 33 friends have commented
I'm going to make SUCH a big deal out of Dirty taking over the house hold duties! I'm going to give him the mop, a rag, or maybe the toilet brush and tell him "have fun!" Then I'm going to skip off to my first COLLEGE class. I'm pretty sure he won't think it's as funny as I do, but I'll get a kick out of it. I've been giggling like a school girl since I thought of this BRILLIANT idea, this morning. *sigh* it's the small things that crack me up!

After a craptacular Tuesday, the rest of the week was great. Until Thursday night when Nae spiked a fever. We kept her home from school Friday and the poor kid was miserable. She had a fever off and on for three days (mostly on). We've been fever free for over 24 hours! YAY! Apparently when one of my kids get sick, I go dumb. I can give anyone advice on a sick child or a sick spouse, but when it hits close to me, my brain turns to mush. I knew I needed to give Nae something for her fever, cough, and body aches, but I didn't want to drug her up TOO much. I wanted her to sleep it off, just not with a sweatshirt on and under her comforter. I ended up giving her Nyquil and Advil (not at the same time. I'm dumb, but not THAT dumb). Once again, Sassy Pie came to my rescue. She helped me out a lot. As did Fertility Chick Sassy Cupcakes, Mom Files, Wise Guy, Ali, Suzy, (and anyone else I forgot) for sending get well wishes to Nae. Thanks ladies, ya'll rock!

Anyway, since Nae was feeling better today, I cleaned the cooties out of EVERYTHING! I washed bedding, swept, mopped, scrubbed toilets (NASTY), and vacuumed. The laundry is done and the house is sparkling. I even had time to go for a run, cook dinner , shower AND do my hair today. I somehow managed my time very well. Proof that I can do this whole "go to college in my 30's" thing. I think they key is to stay focused and away from my computer. I looked at it longingly from across the room, many times today.

Tomorrow is a whole new ball game. I've got the meals planned out for Dirty. He knows when to pick up what child from which school or practice. Not that he didn't know that already, but still. Hopefully tomorrow will go smoothly. It's going to be really strange to be away from all of them two nights a week. I won't be here for dinner and I won't see Nae much Mondays and Tuesdays. I'll make it home JUST in time to put Zilla to bed, so that's a plus. But on Cub Scout nights, I won't see him much, either. They will be just fine, this I know, but I worry. I'm sure I'll miss them more then they miss me. I'll walk in the door and they'll say "oh you were gone?" ;o)

I get my books in the morning tomorrow and find out what room my classes are in. I'm VERY excited. I can't wait to look through the books. I'm sure I'll be sick of them by the end of term, but right now I just want to crack em open! People keep asking me if I'm nervous. I'm really not. Some one said to me Saturday "are you nervous about walking into that classroom? That was the biggest thing for me. I had to MAKE myself walk into that classroom full of 20-something year olds." Ummm, thanks for asking? I'm not really nervous at all. I've got "first day of school" jitters, but me being in my 30's and going back to school, really doesn't mean anything to me. I don't see it as a big deal. Maybe because my Dad and MIL went to school as an adult? I just don't really see it as a big deal. Maybe that will change when I walk in there, but right now, I'm feeling really good about the whole thing. I, also, don't really care what anyone else thinks about me going back to school in my 30's. It's a great thing!

I'll do my best to keep track of everything, but I really have no idea what my homework load will be. So, if I'm missing, ya'll know why.

THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING! I'M REALLY GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!

Thank you so much for all the encouraging words. Each and every one of them means so much to me. I'll be taking all ya'll with me to class ;o)

Sep 24, 2009

The Good and The Bad

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 24 friends have commented
First of all, thank you for all of your support last week. It was a very rough week, but as soon as Monday morning came, I felt very "light".

My pedicure is adorable! I really enjoyed myself. I did my best to live in the moment and just enjoy getting my feet rubbed and toenails painted. I did miss Dirty A LOT and felt a little "off' since he wasn't there, but there were no tears (BONUS) and I had a nice time. Thankfully, my fear of SIL bringing her mother along, wasn't warranted. I didn't REALLY think she was going to invite her mom, but I was still pretty afraid that was going to happen. As soon as Dirty got home, I gave him a HUGE hug and let him hold me, so I could feel anchored by something.

Monday was a beautiful day and my mood matched the weather. Which, was a nice change of pace. The weather was beautiful last week, as well, but my mood wasn't. I felt so rainy and gloomy. It was really great to not have a cloud of sadness ruining the last of the warm weather we'll be getting for a good 9 months.

Nae had her first volleyball game and did great! She's even the captain of the team! I'm so proud of her. We weren't able to go to that game, but made it to the one last night. Her team has some things to work on, but they're all having a great time and Nae is doing really well at being the captain. She's telling her teammates that they're doing well. Or she's telling them to get into position. It's a great thing to watch.

I also FINALLY got a hold of financial aid. After calling them and getting hung up on for weeks and being on hold for an hour, I got the answer I was so desperately seeking and praying for. My application is STILL in review BUT it was approved! As was my book loan (thank you Universe!) The guy I talked too couldn't give me any dollar amount or tell me when I was getting the check, but he could tell me that it was approved. That means I can go to school on Monday *EEK* and not have to worry about having to unenroll by the 8th. Apparently, since I do have the grant and/or loans, tuition doesn't have to be paid for until the end of the term? That would have been good information to have 6 weeks AGO, but whatever. As long as I won't get a bill for thousands of dollars, I'm good to go!

Yes, Monday was a good day. Too bad Tuesday couldn't have been Monday, or better yet, not happened at all. Cuz Tuesday SUCKED! Not just a little, but A LOT!

It started out fine, but things went downhill when Dirty got pulled over taking the kids to school. Well, he didn't ACTUALLY get pulled over. he was in the carpool lane, getting ready to make a left into the school when a motorcycle cop knocked on his window and asked him where Zilla's car seat was. "Ummmm probably in the garage, at home. Why?" It was them we were informed that the law changed and children have to be in car seats until they are EIGHT years old. Last I heard it was 6 or 60 pounds. Not anymore, it's eight years old. Dirty turned around, came home and got Zilla's car seat. Poor kid was SO bummed! Not that I blame him, I would have been bummed too after not having to be in a car seat for a few months and then having to go back into one. SUCKAGE! He's over it now and hasn't complained too much about it. Probably because he has something a lot worse to be complaining about. Poor kid hit his head on the playground and cut it open. He's fine, though. Thank Goddess!

His school called Tuesday morning, calmly, telling me "Zilla fell on the playground and is head is bleeding a bit." Cue freak out! I tell the gal that we're on our way and hang up the phone. I tell Dirty Zilla fell and his head is bleeding as I'm running to throw a bra on. I'm lazy and hadn't gotten dressed yet, even though it was 10 in the morning. Dirty jumps up, grabs his keys and tells me "I'll just go grab him, it'll be quicker" then runs out the door. I was stunned, I didn't have time to argue, so I sat back down in my chair and tweeted about it. What else was I suppose to do?! I know head wounds bleed a lot, so I wasn't TOO worried about it. Then 10 minutes pass, 15 minutes, and then 20 minutes and they weren't home, yet. THAT'S when I started to worry. All sorts of lovely thoughts started running through my head. I thought maybe it was bad enough that Dirty just took him straight to the ER and was going to call me when they got there. Maybe Zilla was unconscious and they were having to wait until he woke up to get him home. Lovely, lovely thoughts.

Dirty pulled up before I got any further in my thought process and Zilla wasn't crying AND he was walking! WHEW!!!! He was wearing a different shirt, had dried blood on his chest, down the back of his neck and his head looked pretty gross. We hop into the shower and I do my best to wash it out to see if we needed to go to the ER for stitches. Even though it had stopped bleeding by then. Thankfully, there was no need for stitches and he was OK. He has a pretty good bump on the back of his head and it was oozing a little yesterday, but no blood.

We were on "concussion watch" yesterday and there was NO Tylenol given to him for his headache. Poor guy! he complained a few times of his head hurting and of course, wanted to go outside and play, but other then that, the was doing great. We had a low key afternoon so he wouldn't bump his head and open it up. That was the most difficult part of Tuesday and yesterday. He wanted to go play with his friends, but we were afraid he'd scratch it or hit it on something and it's start bleeding all over again. And one head wound traumatic even a week, is plenty!

As I was Tweeting my craplacular day Tuesday, SassyPie was saying she was having one too. She told me what alcohol to go buy and what drink to make to drown my misery in. Sadly, since we were on "concussion watch", I felt drinking wouldn't be the best course of action. So, I'll save that little gem for this weekend. But, I did buy a bottle of wine last night and had a nice glass or two of that. Ahhhh wine, how I love thee!

Thanks to all my Twitter gals who pulled me in from off that ledge and sent Zilla some good vibes. I appreciate it! Ya'll kept my head from going too far into the dark place.

Sep 18, 2009

Stumbling

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 36 friends have commented
"Life is a race. You are racing against yourself. You'll stumble a few times, you might even fall. BUT you will ALWAYS get up, ALWAYS. Know why? Because you are strong."

Dirty said that to me last night after I told him I was feeling fragile and wounded. He didn't just bust out with it, he's amazing and all but not THAT amazing. Why am I have such a hard time right now? I'm not quite sure. I've felt stressed for about a week. Tuesday was bad. Very bad. I totally lost my temper and told Zilla to shut up. I NEVER tell my kids to shut up. I felt like such a bully as soon as it came out of my mouth. I still feel like an asshole. I'm sure he's forgotten about it by now, but I still feel horrible! He's six, he interrupts me, that's what six year olds do, right? *sigh* I feel like an asshole, though. Thank Goddess for email and bloggy friends. I was emailing Busted Tube back and forth and totally vented to her! Of course my timing sucks because she's having her own stuff to deal with, but she was amazing. Thank you for letting me vent, Enna. I truly appreciate it! Mostly, thank you for not telling me how horrible I am.

For the past week or so, I've been feeling "off". I couldn't quite understand what was going on. I figured it was the back to school craziness. Getting back into the routine of getting both of them to school, learning everything there is to learn about Zilla's new school, Nae's homework load, volleyball practice, what's for dinner, grocery shopping and of course, there's the damn laundry. I talked to Dirty the other night, Tuesday actually, after had my FREAK out moment. And I told him, I was having separation anxiety. Really silly because you would think I would have had it LAST year. But no, it's this year. We talked some more and finally pinned it down to Zilla's new school. It's just SO different then his old school. Probably because it's our first year here, rather then our 4th. It isn't a bad school, it's just not "home". After that conversation, I felt better. Then the same fragile feeling came back yesterday. I was exhausted, the thought of making dinner threw me into a "I want to go to bed and ya'll are having cereal for dinner" mood. I got my feelings hurt over silly things and all I wanted to do was run away so I wasn't being hurt anymore.

Dirty and I went to bed and I told him "I'm feeling really fragile and it's just so SILLY!" In the end we got down to the root of the fragile feeling and I'm feeling a bit better today, but still a little "wounded". I'm stumbling right now because I'm going to get a pedicure done with MIL, SIL, and Nae on Sunday. As soon as it was planned, I had a picture in my head of how the day was suppose to look. My mom in a chair, MIL in a chair, SIL in a chair, her mom in a chair, me, and then Nae in our chairs. Obviously that can't happen and the image quickly vanished as soon as it came, but it left me with a sense of loss all over again. I've been mourning this image ever since. I want to go and I will go, but I'm not quite sure where this image came from. It's not like my mom and I use to get pedicures all the time. We never went together, I'm not even sure she ever HAD a pedicure. This, as usual, all came out of nowhere.

I was feeling very frustrated and angry with myself for stumbling and feeling sad, but Dirty talked me out of that. When I start to get sad, I immediately think of my lowest point in my grief and I get scared because I think I might go back there. Dirty and I had gotten into a fight because I wasn't telling him how sad I was. I kept telling him I was "fine". That hurt his feelings because, basically I was lying to him. He wanted to help me though the process but I wouldn't let him in. I wouldn't let anyone in, actually. Finally after HOURS of arguing, yelling, screaming, I finally collapsed onto the floor. I was sobbing holding onto our bed skirt saying "I don't know who I am anymore. I'm lost, I feel like I'm an orphan. I'm a mom and a wife, but I'm not a daughter anymore." After I said this, I looked up and saw the look on Dirty's face. It was a look of concern, worry and fear. Fear for me, he wanted to help me and he was worried about me. He didn't feel burdened by my grief or my tears, He was asking how I was because he cared, not because he wanted to gauge my mood for the day. That was about 2 years ago. It took me a LONG time to climb up the hill and I'll climb it forever. Some days will be better then others and right now is not a good day.

I had my mom in my life for 31 years and she's been out of my life for almost 4 (wow!) years. I had her for 99% of my life. It will take time to adjust not having her to call or see. Four years is a blink of an eye compared to 31.

Today, I'm feeling sad, fragile and wounded. Which is OK. It's normal and I need to treat myself as I would treat anyone having a day like this. Chocolate and a walk are on the agenda.

Sep 15, 2009

Grief is NOT an Excuse

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 25 friends have commented
I've grieved the loss of my mom in many ways. I did things that I'm not proud of. I yelled, I cried, I "wallowed" in my misery. But I never once did something that I shouldn't have and used grief as an excuse.

All of this is coming up because I watch Jay Leno last night. I didn't watch the VMA's but, of course, I heard about Kanye West's dick move when Taylor Swift won her VMA. I figured it was just him being the pompous ass he is. Which sucks, because I really like his music. But after his appearance on Jay's show last night, I want to find my CD and all the music I have of his and burn them!

Yes, his mother died and YES that sucks..A LOT! Believe me, I know! It's tough to lose your mom. Obviously, I'm not a celebrity and I'm not in the public eye and didn't grieve publicly, but if I had, would this mean I could act out and use grief as an excuse? Could I use my mom's death and the fact that I hadn't dealt with it yet as an excuse to hurt someone else or take away their "moment"? I think, no. I totally disagree with using grief as an excuse for bad behavior.

I've seen this happen many times. A friend of mine cheated on his wife after his brother died. He used grief as an excuse. I call BULLSHIT! I'm raising the bullshit flag and running around waving it. My own sister (older) did it.

Yes, grief is hard! It's a process one has to go through. It isn't easy, it doesn't happen over night, but I totally disagree with using it as an excuse for bad behavior. I'm not perfect, FAR from it. Like I said, I've done some things I'm not proud of in the years after my mom's death. But I never shrugged my shoulders and said "I'm grieving".

How do you feel about the grieving process? Do you think he used it as an excuse? Dirty doesn't agree with me. He thinks that Kanye hasn't been able to come to terms with his mother's death and acting out is part of the process. While I can see his point, I still think it was a cop out. He did something that was NOT cool. He acted like he and his opinion mattered more then anyone else's.

No matter what, I still think Kanye is full of himself and he needs to check himself.

Sep 1, 2009

Things That Are Driving Me Insane And Keeping Me Sane

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 27 friends have commented
First up I'll whine about what's driving me INSANE! For if, no other reason, then to get it out of my head. Weeee got bullet points! I've never done them, so this is my first time. Be kind *blushes*

~Peaches and her non-boyfriend/boyfriend situation: One of you two need to make a move. Either be together or don't. Actually, I take that back. You don't need to make a decision, just stop saying his name every time we have a conversation. His name is becoming one I'm cringing at.

~My foot: I have no idea WTF I did to it, but DAMN it hurts! I can't put any pressure on my heel, so I'm walking on my tip toes and I look like a freaking idiot. Foot, please stop hurting. I'm sorry I did whatever I did to you. I didn't mean to hurt you. Feel free to stop looking like a bear claw.

~ My friend who's starting her own "business": Umm sweetie? It's a multi-level marketing scheme. I really thought you were smarter then this. I see where I went wrong in my thinking, but please stop asking me if I want to listen to your auto/life/ and debt consolidation solutions speech. I don't. I know it's not a way to make money. I truly hope I'm wrong, but I don't think I am.

~Zilla: Dear Goddess, I love you more then almost anything in this world, but PLEASE when you're talking to me LOOK at me and not the TV! I would love for you to make dinner "tomorrow" night, but love, you can't cook without me. How about I help you and you don't throw a fit and end up in your room? TRUST me, that's a great way to spend an evening. Not in your room, that is.

~Nae: Yes we WILL go school clothes shopping. I swear your father and I haven't forgotten. We do have a plan, I know OUR plan does not match YOUR plan, but we're the adults and we know how much money we have this week AND next week. Shocking? Yes. True? Also yes!

~People who are holding my grant application hostage: I get that you have to make sure I don't have any unpaid school loans AND to see if my tax information is as I stated in my application. I totally understand your need to double check EVERYTHING. But my last name starts with a "C", shouldn't you be done by now? Do you realize that Dirty may have to go back to work sooner then we planned because you're taking your damn time? Oh you don't? Well, yes, that's true. So, can you PLEASE hurry up?

~The possibility of putting Zilla in after school care: *sigh* This is huge for me and Dirty. We haven't EVER had either of the children in daycare unless I was there. This could change when Dirty gets a job and I'm in school. I realize it may just be for a few hours and it really isn't that big of a deal, but it is for us.

~The possibility of leaving Nae home alone until I get home from school. Once again, it wouldn't be for long, but EEK! I totally trust that Nae will be fine, but...EEK! Not a huge fan of this idea.

~The dinner dilemma. I have NO idea WTF I'm going to make for dinner tonight. As soon as I know, you will know.

~Laundry. Yes, I'm aware that you multiply as you sit in my laundry basket, all I ask from you is that you slow down a touch. And PLEASE, for the love of god and EVERYTHING that is holy stop bringing the CLEAN laundry to the dark side! It's annoying. I know I folded that shirt already.

~The need for my mom whenever a problem arises. It's been three years. Almost four, actually. Feel free to stop hanging around. I am perfectly capable of dealing with a random foot injury, Zilla changing schools, going BACK to school myself AND everything else without my mom. Yes, life would be a lot less stressful if I could call her up and have her tell me she went through this, as well, but that's not the card I was dealt. So, please move along, there is nothing to see here. Certainly not me crying while scrubbing out the pool.

OK, enough of that stuff! It's out of my head and now I can move on to the things that are keeping me sane, thankyouverymuch!

~Dirty: You know that I am in pain, yet you continue to pretend that I'm fine because you know how much I hate "relying" on others. Yes, my foot hurts like a bitch (whatever THAT means), thanks for pretending it's "fine". I love you!

~Zilla: As much as you drive me INSANE, dammit if I don't think it's funny when you tell me some random story or you tell me something you "just figured out". Such as; "Sometimes you can get stuck on looking at something and someone has to snap to get you to come back". So true, love.

~Nae: Once again, as much as you drive me INSANE you are a smart beautiful young woman and I'm so proud of you. I love that you're so mature, but can still be the little girl who was my side kick for 5 years. You crack me up with you lame jokes but make me think when you're standing in the same room with Peaches and I and we're having an adult conversation, I wonder if you're "too young" to know what we're talking about. Sometimes you already know and sometimes I chase you away because I don't want to know that you know. Slow down a touch, love. You'll only be 12 for 9 more months. Lets not go so fast.

~My bloggy friends: I don't know if there ever HASN'T been a time that ya'll keep me from going insane, but right now, ya'll are what I'm living off of. You make me think outside the box. You make me pray for something so hard for someone I have never met in my life. You allow me to overcome my fears and move on. Yet, you also allow me to wallow in my sadness and frustration and don't judge me for it. I wish I had a teleporter so that I could visit each and every one of you. Even if I show up on your door step and you kick me off your property. At least I got to SEE you with my own eyes, in real life!

~My ipod: You are in my ears constantly! I love that you can drown out the video games but allow me to read blogs at the same time. I love that when I put you on shuffle, you surprise me with a Nickleback song when I go running and I can run out any frustrations that I may have. I also love that you always know when I need a Jason Mraz song for my cool down period before I do.

~Peggle: You have been my dirty little secret for the past two days, thanks to Heather. I have played you more times in the last two days then I have cleaning the house. And that is why I love you! My foot is all jacked up and sitting on the couch spacing it until someone snaps their fingers or asks for dinner is less then appealing. Sitting in front of my computer cocked to the side, with my foot on a stool playing Peggle is a WAY more attractive option to me! Yes, I stayed up WAY to late last night/this morning (2AM) playing you and I paid the price today by being Super Cunt, but I wouldn't take back a minute of our time together for anything. Well..unless Jason Mraz wants to take me on as his love. Then I'll totally leave you. Sorry.

~Twitter: Ahhh you know JUST how to distract me from whatever is was that I was thinking/doing before my Twhirl screen turned PINK to notify me that someone replied to me(!). I am constantly aware of you being in the middle of my desktop. Just because you're not on the forefront of my screen doesn't mean I don't know you're there. 'Cuz, baby, I know, I know.

~Feedjit: SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! I had NO idea you and I could be such intense lovers! I have you "listening" to my page all day and I'm ALWAYS checking on you to see what new search gem you've given me. Who knew that you could Google " patron tequila get you drunk off your gorilla" and find MY blog?! Yes, it's true, I've blogged about a Purple Gorilla, but not about Patron. That I'm aware of, at least. I do love Patron tequila, don't get me wrong. It's my favorite tequila, I'm just unsure why you chose THAT phrase. I sure hope you weren't disappointed when you came to THIS post. It has nothing to do with gorillas OR tequila. Unless you count the comment Jamie made about a song she heard. If so, then WOOHOO go YOU!

~Bud Light Lime: Oooohhhhh you had me at the first sip! You sort of taste like Corona but with a bit more bite. Mmmmm you are delicious. You are now a staple in my fridge. You taste really good when we have tacos. Actually, you taste good any time. Especially with salt. D_E-L-I-S-H!

~Discovery channel: How much would I LOVE it if I could ACTUALLY go swimming with REAL sharks? (Read: SO MUCH!) But since I can't, I'll watch all those sharks LEAPING out of the water in South Africa and SNATCH those seals in their powerful jaws and cheer for the sharks, through you. I really would love to watch the hippos do the dirty deed, but since hippos aren't native to Oregon, I'll settle for you, Discovery Channel. Happily, even.

~Jason Mraz: Your music makes me smile. And that's enough to make me stay sane any day of the week. Oh and you're not to bad on the eyes *wink wink* Also? I'd totally have a fling with you. It could be our secret, I PROMISE *crosses fingers* I would NEVER share the pictures with ANYONE. *ahem*

~Snickers ice cream bars: Now that you and I are following each other on Twitter, can you hook a sister up? Doesn't that mean that we're like, BFF's and shit, now? It's true that I've always enjoyed a Snickers every now and then, but OMG the ice cream version is WAY better! It's hard to "just say no" when I remember your creamy ice cream and delicious caramel. Oh how they dance on my tongue.......and my hips :-|

~My mom: Yes, I know that "need" to have you when a problem arises is actually you. I'll learn to differentiate between YOU and the NEED one of these years. I want to thank you for everything you did for me. From "allowing" *wink wink* me to be at your wedding to giving me a plant that I haven't killed yet. You showed me what it's like to have a 50/50 marriage and if it wasn't for that, I wouldn't be as wise as I am today. I might, actually be in jail for some crime against Dirty. We both thank you for that.

Dad: "Thank you" just doesn't seem to be enough, ever. I've cared for and protected you more in these past three, almost four years, then I have my entire life. You taught me to be kind and compassionate. You taught me that marriage isn't about the small things. It isn't about "winning", sometimes it's about your partner's feelings. Thank you.

Aaaand DONE! I had more sane things then insane things. Guess today wasn't such a bad day, after all. Even though it felt like it!
 

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