Life induces thoughts,

TOO MUCH!

2011-10-24T17:41:00.000-07:00

I can't even begin to tell you how much is going on! I seriously long for the days when it was just school that was hard. Throw in some teenager antics and life, I feel like, is nearly impossible to handle.

Yeah math is hard. Yeah chemistry is hard. Yeah it has been difficult to balance everything, but I would MUCH rather try to balance school and normal home life.

It all started the last week in September. I got a call from the school saying there was an altercation with Nae and another student and I needed to come get her and talk to the vice principal. Dirty and I jump into the car, totally shocked that Nae had gotten into a fight. Once we got all the details, it turned out that Nae had defended herself. Granted, she didn't do it in a timely manner and instead of standing up for herself IN the moment, she waited until lunch. We have always taught her to defend herself, we never made it clear to do it AT the time. She knows now, as does Zilla. So, she was suspended for a FULL week because of the aggressiveness of her actions and the other girl was "only" suspended for 3 days. We felt grounding her wasn't the way to go so we gave her many talks and went about our business. Her nose was pretty swollen and by Monday when the swelling had gone down, we noticed it was crooked. Dirty took her to the hospital while I went to class. Sure enough, it was fractured. SON OF A BITCH! And of course, the only ENT in our network was out until November and we needed to get her nose fixed BY the 10 day park of the injury, otherwise she would have needed a FULL rhinoplasty. I take her to the only ENT in our area and he suggested surgery. It is only called "surgery" because she was going to have to be put under and it will be done in an actual operating room. This was all on a Wednesday. The surgery/procedure had to happen BY Monday, otherwise, real surgery was going to be the only way to fix it. Of course, our insurance didn't feel the need to jump right on the request to have an out of network doctor do something, that would have made things far too easy. Friday afternoon/early evening, I FINALLY got the call that everything was a go. Thank you universe! Monday we all wake up at the ass crack of dawn and drive to the hospital, get her nose fixed and then go home. She missed the next week of school because her nose was so fragile and if she got bumped again, her nose could cave and obviously we didn't want that. So, that's 2 weeks off of school, so far. She was doing her homework and I was in contact with her teachers the whole time.

The Monday she goes back to school, she goes to hang out with her friends and I get a phone call from the kid's mom saying the 2 were involved in a car accident!!!! Nae is fine and her son probably has a broken hand. We go to the hospital AGAIN to pick her up and find out what the fuck was going on. I wasn't aware she was in a vehicle with this kid, not only was she NOT suppose to be in his car but she told me he had fell and broke his hand that way, via text messages. I was pissed, Dirty was angry but chalked it up to her being a teenager. His way of thinking was that when he acted up as a teenager, he got all his freedoms and EVERYTHING taken away and it didn't matter, he just got more angry and acted out more. I never did this kind of shit as a teenager, so I was allowing him to make the final decision on punishment. Ahhh so cute how naive I was! So, instead of grounding her for the rest of her life, we decided to go with the "you almost DIED today" route. Which is true, I saw the condition of the vehicle after the accident and had there not been airbags, I would be telling a COMPLETELY different story. That is a very scary thought! And on that hasn't been far from my mind since I got the phone call. So yeah....scary.

We kept her home from school on Tuesday because she was pretty sore and banged up from the accident. therefore, she wasn't able to get into any trouble on Tuesday. Wednesday, we found out that on Monday, she wasn't just late to class, but she ended up missing the last 2 periods AND is failing one of her classes. I try to direct Dirty on how to approach this, but he's just so convinced that "coming down hard" on her wasn't the right way to go. I'm telling him "we've given her a lot of freedoms and I think we need to reign her in". He keeps going to the whole "if my parents had just talked to me instead of punished me and took away all my shit, I think it would have been better", finally I have to blurt out that our daughter is having sex and is not making good choices right now. He proceeds to freak the hell out, rightly so and wants to ground her for the rest of her life. I try to tell him that we can't ground her for having sex, but we do need to get her back on the right track. She gets home and we all talk and she gets lectured for 2 hours, informed that she is grounded and she isn't allowed to leave the house unless she's going to school. Her friends were allowed to come over to help her finish up any homework they are doing together, but they do not leave the house. We also informed her how close she came to dying, we even brought up the guilt factor and asked Zilla what he was thinking when we had to run to the hospital to get her. He cried and said 'Nae I was so scared, I thought you died, please don't die!" SOOOO sad! She cried harder and they hugged, it was cute and sweet. The rest of our evening went on, we were a happy little family and Dirty and I are patting each other on the backs for such great parenting. But...no.

Thursday one of my friends saw Nae walking home from school SMOKING a cigarette! She and her friend get home and I ask them what they were doing on their way home, I gave Nae every opportunity to come clean, she didn't. She gave me some bull shit story. I asked my friend if that's what she could've seen, hoping SO hard it was. It wasn't, apparently Nae had been smoking for a full block, so her story of "I was just holding it for so and so" was not true. Weird, I know. So after getting the real story from my friend, we confront Nae again and she comes clean. Pissed off once again. She got ALL her stuff taken away. No TV, no cell phone, no stereo, and no PS2...its all gone! She also has to ride the bus to and from school, no hanging out after school with her friends. Last weekend was the first weekend of her sentence and it was hard. It sucked for everyone. I don't like being mean and neither does Dirty, no matter how much we know it's for her own good. It still sucks!

Now, we just don't know what to do. We can't ground her forever, although that does sound pretty sweet, but there is going to come a time when we have to allow her to make her own decisions, no matter how stupid they are. We haven't even reached the one week mark and Dirty wants to cave. Thankfully we both want to cave at different points, so hopefully, there's no chance of caving. I just don't know exactly how to go about this. I'm not the great parent I was, I feel like an idiot now. I'm embarrassed, disappointed and pissed off! If only I knew for sure she had learned her lesson. If only.....

Its Been Awhile....

2011-04-18T10:46:00.000-07:00

So...hello there! Clearly I've been super busy. I had math last term, as many of you know, and while I worked my ass OFF, it didn't end well. I didn't fail it, which is good, but I didn't get a C either. I got a D..OUCH! Apparently trig isn't my thing. I even asked and begged for help, but for some reason I was behind in the understanding from day one. The good thing is that when I retake it, it'll be mostly a review. Hopefully the second time around, I'll be able to pick things a bit easier and quicker. This term isn't as busy but still busy. I'm taking a technical writing class, which I love but it's tough! We have a research paper due at the end of term that's going to be about 10 pages long, SINGLE spaced. ACK! Of course I picked a difficult and controversial topic, embryo donation, but so far, I've gotten quite a bit of information. We'll see how all this pans out. I'm hoping for an A in the class and if I keep up the work I've been doing, I'll do just that.

The kiddos are doing well, too. Nae has been ungrounded for over a month now and not once has she screwed up! I'm really hoping that she learned her lesson and realized how stupid she was acting. I highly doubt we're at the end of all the insanity, but I know we can get through anything. Zilla is just as crazy as he's always been. That kid's energy level is through the roof! He also has a bit of an attitude, that I am consistently adjusting for him. I'm told this is normal, I have my doubts. Personally, I think he's trying to drive me crazy, but that's just me.

And NOW for the heavy shit. I'm pretty sure my dad has a girlfriend or something. Not sure what to call her because I think it's mostly online and phone calls. I don't know how they "met" or anything like that. I do know that they have talked on the phone a few times and post things on Facebook that make me want to throw up and scream. It sounds silly, me overacting over an "online" thing, but this is all new for me. I don't know how to act or if I have any reason to act a certain way. I haven't talked to him because I don't know what to say and I don't really want to talk to him about this. He deserves to me happy and if he is, that's great! I'll get over it, I'm sure, even if it turns out to be "something".

Right now, I'm just trying to be honest with my emotions and with myself. Ahhh how I love these little doses of reality.

Short but sweet post for now.

Dear Nae

2011-02-02T11:41:00.000-08:00

Things are SO much better. Thank you for all of your advice and kind words. I'm still pretty confused and scared for Nae but overall things are tons better. I want to write her a letter to get it out of my head and then MOVE ON! I feel like I'm dragging this out and we ALL (especially me) need to move on.

Dear Nae,
Hey sweetie, I know 13 is a rough age, hell ALL ages are, but I can respect that this particular time in your life is pretty rough on you. I get that you are confused about EVERYTHING and you just don't understand why we won't let you do certain things while your other friends' parents let them. Yes, we're more strict, but believe me when I say "it's for your own good". It's not just something stupid us parents or adults say. It is the truth. I want you to fly, baby, I really do, but I want you to be safe! That has always been my goal in life, to make sure you are safe. I can't even begin tell you how much I love you and how much you've changed my life in the 13 years you've been in it.

It kills me that I have to let go and let you learn these lessons, but I know I have too. I know in the end you will be a beautiful (inside and out) woman, but right now, I need you to be kind to yourself. Please, be nice to yourself. Treat yourself as you would a friend. When those nasty thoughts pop into your head about your thighs, tell them to go away. When you feel like running away, remember it IS ok to feel that way, we all do, but it's all temporary. Remember when a boy says "don't you love me?" that love isn't conditional. Love is given freely and opening. It's not a bargaining chip to use to get what you want.

Renee, my beautiful mini me. You are perfect just the way you are! Nothing will ever change how I feel about you. I know this crap we're going through won't be the last time, but I have faith in our family, that we'll get through this. On the other side is a different relationship, it'll be a more even one. One where I'm not telling you what to do all the time. One where we will be more equal. I can't wait to share that with you. I can't wait to share the rest of your life with you.

I love you! Pink says it way better than I ever could...this is for you, love.

Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No, it's all good', it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I'm still around

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin' perfect to me!

You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same

Oh, pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin' perfect to me

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They dont like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that?

Why do I do that..?

Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty baby..!
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me
You're perfect, you're perfect!
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less thank f*kin' perfect,
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're perfect to me...

Love,
Mommy
P.S. The part about beer doesn't apply ;o)

God, This Sucks and An AWARD!!!!

2011-01-31T10:30:00.000-08:00

First, good news! Kimbosue gave me an award! How sweet is THAT?! Thanks, hon!

Here's the deets, yo:
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

Hmmm 7 things...pretty sure y'all know everything about me, but it's been awhile so let's do THIS!
1) I am doing HORRIBLY at math this term. Seriously. Karma is a bitch. It's what I get for being so damn cocky in my other math classes *sigh*

2) I am least talented person I know. I can't sing, can't draw, can barley cook, can sorta dance. The "talent" gene that EVERYONE else in my family has, skipped me.

3) This thing with Nae is really killing me.

4) Zilla slept in my bed last night because he had a bad dream and when I went to wake him up for school this morning, I got all choked up. I am too damn emotional right now.

5) Have a class of death, dying and transition on Fridays is SUCH a buzz kill!

6) My ethics class is my FAVORITE class! I often take the least popular side of the argument just to be a shit. So much fun!

7) I'm a texting whore! I literally text Danielle all day long just about every day. She says she loves it, but I'm not so sure ;)

Now 15 (!) bloggers to pass this on to. How about we just pass it on to a "few" bloggers. I think 15 is a bit too many.

Danielle because she puts up with my insane amount of texts and dramatics. Love ya girl!

The fabulous and beautiful Miss Ruby! You should go check out her blog, she just revamped it and it looks AMAZING!

The funny Sass and not ONLY because she's wearing hammer pants but also because she's my slutty wifey <3

Jamie because she needs a little pick me up right now.

Jules because she NEEDS a reason to blog, clearly! And since I've had a few posts in a row, I can nag her.

We Have Angel Wings because she didn't get to see her little one today because she was released from her RE to her OB! Great news, but she obviously wants to see her little bun.

OK, 6 will do! If you want to do this, JUST DO IT! Let me know so I can pop on over and read what ya got.

Alright now to the "God, this sucks" portion of this post. My weekend was full of tears, texting friends, talking to anyone that would listen and getting a lot of great advice and support about Nae. I know she's 13 and all of this is going to happen, but I feel like she's going down a path she isn't ready for. I have never had a problem with her having friends that are boys, but if she's willing to lie to us to go over to a boy's house? That's sending up HUGE red flags in my mommy brain. We never checked up on her before because we never had a reason too. Of course there was meeting parents before she'd stay the night at a friend's house, but she had a lot of freedoms. I never went through her messages or emails, I never wanted to actually. More importantly, I felt like I didn't HAVE too. I trusted her. I've had many conversations with her about language, about sex, about EVERYTHING! I also know that the things kids are doing these days are A LOT different than when I was her age, but that doesn't mean it's still OK!

I went through her messages last night and it sucked SO much! I did not want to do it at all! I knew I had too, but that didn't mean I liked it. I felt like I was going through her diary, it was awful. Her and I had a talk after and I was very calm despite finding out some things that were a bit disturbing. There were a lot of tears on her part and lots of loving words coming from me. She, of course, has body image issues. I told her that it is normal to feel this way and validated her feelings while telling her how much I loved her. I don't think I'm being a "softy", I do think this is a tricky place to be in our relationship and the way these conversations go could effect our future relationship, so I'm trying to be stern, yet showering her with love. I'm honest with her about her punishment by telling her she's going to be grounded for awhile but also telling her that we can fix this but it is up to her. She lost our trust and it's going to take a long time to get that back. I really do not think she understands the impact of her choices yet. I don't even know if she should at 13. All I know is that this is a BIG deal and I do feel we're dealing with it appropriately, even though she might disagree.

I also think I may be over reacting a touch. I know I am taking it WAY too personally and I shouldn't, but I can't help it. A friend told me yesterday this "she's lying because she knows what she's doing is wrong. You're a good mama!" That made me feel better because I feel like SUCH a failure. I feel like I've done everything "right" and I think that's why this came as such a shock. I am questioning everything I'm doing. Am I going out too much? Should I quit school? Does she need me more? Am I being to easy on her? Where did I go wrong?! Am I setting a bad example for her by having a glass of wine? These thoughts are killing me! I just don't know what to do, or even if there is ANYTHING I can do! I'm staying strong, when she's around. When she isn't, I'm a mess of these awful swirling thoughts and worry.

If anyone has any advice or words of encouragement, I'll gladly take them! Personal experience from when you were young, something a friend went through and how it was dealt with, ANYTHING, I'm seriously at a loss. All I ask is that you PLEASE don't attack my mothering, I feel enough of a failure as it is. Thank you!

What Happens Now?

2011-01-29T11:36:00.000-08:00

Nae has turned into a full fledged teenager and I am so upset, crushed, hurt, and scared.

She lied to us yesterday.

She was ungrounded for exactly 5 days. What. The. Hell?!

She wanted to go over to her friend's house and told Dirty that her friend's step-mom was home and his dad was going to be home around 1:00. Dirty thought it was a little strange that she made a point of telling him that her friend's dad is going to be home at 1:00. (Side note: this is a boy, yes but not a boy friend. She's been friends with this boy since 2nd grade and has been over there many times to hang out). We took her over there and Dirty told Nae he wanted to see a parent wave at us, she went to the door, came back to the car and said "his step-mom is in the shower", Dirty said "OK, we'll just wait". Oh man! You should have seen the look on her face! She paled, her eyes got a little shifty, and I'm pretty sure she was sweating. After a few minutes Dirty asked her if there was even an adult there, her answer was no and she knew it the whole time. WHAT?! I seriously lost my shit! Not for ONE second did I think she was lying and knew this kid's mom wasn't home. That was the last thing I expected, even after her sneaking out last month. I was so shocked, Dirty was pissed, Nae was crying, and Zilla was like "hey, what's going on", kid is so oblivious. We took her phone away, AGAIN, she's lost any privileges she had, and she's on chore duty. Good part is, my house has never been so clean, bad part is, my heart is broken.

Sneaking out was bad enough, but I sort of understand. Who doesn't want to go out at 1:00 and see what it's like? It is pretty thrilling. Of course, I didn't tell her that because she disobeyed the rules and broke a law. So, she was punished, This? This feels differently. I don't know if it's because she JUST got out of trouble from her antics in December or what, but I am taking this one hard. I feel like I'm losing her. I am questioning every conversation we've ever had, wondering if she was telling me the truth. If she lied about this, what else has she lied about that we didn't know? Has she had alcohol, done drugs, had sex? She's told me no, but I don't know what to believe anymore.

When my niece lied about almost being abducted by a stranger, it was for attention because her parents were getting a divorce. That kind of shit is expected and understood when a huge upheaval happens in a family, but we haven't had any sort of upheaval to make Nae think she needs attention. Dirty and I do the right things. We talk to her about her day, we listen to her, we have family dinners and all of us converse about the day, we joke with her, we have family movie nights, we give her some space, so I have NO idea what the hell is going on with that kid! We don't go out and leave the children alone for hours at a time, she doesn't have to raise her little brother, nor does she have a laundry list of chores to do because we're too lazy to do them. Seriously, this isn't your typical teenager needs attention and is acting out.

I am just so confused, hurt, and scared. I don't know what to think or do. I know I am taking this very personally but I don't know how else to do it. I know I'm a good mom to her but what happens now? Where do we go from here? I feel like I lost my little girl and I don't know how to get her back or if that's even possible.

I'm not a stupid mom. Naive? Very! Which is why I didn't think she was lying to us. I don't even know how long it is going to take for her to win our trust back, but it won't be any time soon. In the mean time, I have no idea what to do. I know I'm probably being all over dramatic about this and I know it could be SO much worse, but the thing is, I don't WANT it to get or be so much worse. This is bad enough.

She's FINE!

2011-01-25T18:53:00.000-08:00

I didn't want to post an update on Nae until we got a definite answer from someone who didn't study only a term of the heart. We took her to her follow up appointment on Monday and he confirmed that her heart looked great. No structural problems, no irregular heart beats, all is good! WHEW good news! We did find out that her blood pressure is on the lower side of normal, so she just needs to make sure she's NOT locking her knees and is aware if/when she gets tunnel vision. And if she does start seeing spots or gets tunnel vision, she needs to LAY DOWN! That way she won't smack her face on the floor and get a pretty bruise on her face and a concussion.So all is well there.

I know a lot of bloggers have posted already about Wise Guy and her little Lola but I just can't NOT post as well. I know from reading a lot of blogs that this loss has hit us all very hard. I know it has hit me very hard. I cried many tears when I learned that Lola was on a ventilator. I sent out texts to various bloggers and we all sent TONS of love. But we were SO hopeful! So much hope. Come to find out that Lola passed away was a HUGE blow to me. I cried, I asked why, I was in disbelief. The first words that came out of my mouth were "NOOOO!" I felt and still kind of do feel betrayed, I just don't know why. Not that knowing why would make any difference, but still! I didn't know what to do with these emotions. I, of course, cried, said a prayer for Wise Guy and her family, but what can I do with these emotions? I went to her blog and I read all her comments that so many people have left and it made me feel a little better. There are NO words that can describe the pain Wise Guy is going through, but I HAVE to believe she can feel the love we are all sending her. So, that's what I'm doing. I am sending Wise Guy all the love I have. In addition to that, I am also sending love to everyone else that knows Wise Guy.

Wise Guy, we love you and we'll be here for you always and forever. Lola is in our hearts and that will never change.

Oh! Why Hello There!

2011-01-18T17:49:00.000-08:00

Well, look at that! It's been quite a long time since I last wrote here. So much has happened, both good and bad. Let's see...Nae is still grounded, she's awfully happy about that too. She does, however, have her phone and computer back. She was allowed to go over to her friend's house without Dirty or myself last weekend, she was good and didn't do anything stupid (that we know of) and came home on time. She says she's learned her lesson, but she's 13, so I highly doubt it. I'm, sure she's sorry (that she got caught) and is scared shitless. Both are good. As of right now, she is earning back our trust and as we see fit, she'll get her privileges back. She is taking her punishment very well. No slamming of doors, no telling us she hates us or any of that. She's a smart kid, she knows she screwed up. So yeah, that's good! YAY Nae!

So the bad is that I did send my older sister the letter. She didn't take one word I said as anything but an attack. Not only did she share the letter with the rest of our siblings, she also told anyone who would listen that it was my fault that she doesn't have a relationship with her son. Ummm actually, no, not true. She doesn't have a relationship with her son because she does meth every day(!), not because I said something to him. But, once again I can't control her reactions, all I can is control mine. Which is what I did. I did not reply to her email, no did I try to defend myself to anyone. It's frustrating but you can't argue with crazy, or drugs addicted crazy.

Another good thing that happened was on Saturday. It was the 5 year anniversary of my mom's death and I did GREAT! I didn't cry, nor did I spend the whole day in bed. I didn't even have the urge to want to stay in bed. I WANTED to see the day and I wasn't faking it, either! That was pretty cool. It was very strange knowing what the day was and not bawling, but it felt good. I was trying to explain to Heather and Danielle how it felt and they said they got it, hopefully they did. I was and am very proud of myself. I never though that day would come. It did!

Another bad...once again with the teenager, but this time she didn't do anything wrong. She passed out at school on Friday and Dirty had to go get her. She said she started seeing spots during PE and went into the locker room and passed out, smacking her face on the floor. Once she came to, her battery had come out of her phone and she was trying to put it back in, standing up (because she hasn't learned that you shouldn't stand up) and passed out again. Once again, smacking her face on the floor. We think she might have hit her head on the lockers on the way down because she had a bump on the top of her head, as well as a swollen cheek and a bruised eye. Poor kid. She was pretty shook up and confused. She doesn't remember anything while she was out, obviously, and that scares her. We took her to the doctor on Monday and he ordered a full panel blood test. they took 2 vials of blood and are checking her for EVERYTHING! He also wanted her to have an echo cardiogram, which is on Thursday, and while I know he's being overly cautious because this isn't her first time passing out, I'm still freaking out. I was totally fine with the whole situation until I called the hospital to pre-register her. Now all I can think of is "what if"...not good!

I'm sure it's nothing and this is all to rule out the structure of her heart being "abnormal" but STILL! My little 13 year old is going to get an ultrasound of her HEART on Thursday and that sorta kinda freaks me out! I keep going back to when I was pregnant and they said there was a shadow on her heart. I keep wondering if we should have pushed harder to get it rechecked after birth or if we should have done something more the first time she passed out in 5th grade. Not a good place for my mind to go. I'm, once again, the strong one for Dirty and Nae but on the inside I am pretty scared. If y'all could spare some good JUJU to Nae, i would really appreciate it.

Talk to ya soon! I miss you all!

HELP!

2010-12-05T16:48:00.000-08:00

I seriously need some advice here. Even just your thoughts anything, just give me SOMETHING!

Nae is finally the teenager I have dreaded having. She stayed the night at her friend's house last night and they decided to sneak out of the house. They got caught by the cops and had to call us to get her at 2:00 in the morning! Thankfully we didn't have to go get her at the police station but at the school they were at, but STILL! She's grounded from her phone, her computer, her iPod, and her friends for awhile, not sure exactly how long, a month maybe? We just don't know! We've never had to do this before with her, she's always been a great kid. We want to make an impact on her that this shit isn't going to fly, but also we don't want to punish her TOO much. Not sure if there's such a thing as "too much" at the moment, but I just don't know what's the appropriate punishment. My thought was she would get her phone when she went back to school on Monday, but Dirty thinks if she gets grounded from it, that's it. I didn't agree with him until I read her facebook messages. Her and her friend were sneaking out to go see a boy. Apparently he left his door unlocked so they could get in? That's what I'm getting from the messages, I could be wrong, but I doubt it. As if that's not bad enough, she sent that message this morning from her iPod when she was grounded! She doesn't know I read her messages, neither does Dirty. I just read them. When I asked her why they were sneaking out, her answer was "we wanted to know what it was like to sneak out". That's a bullshit answer, I knew that even before I read her messages. Now I have confirmation of it, so I just don't know what to do with this information.

Any thoughts, advice, anything would be appreciated. I'm at a loss as what to do here. I know she's a good kid and teenagers do stupid stuff, but I don't want this to become a normal thing nor do I want to lose her.

Who's The Real You?

2010-12-04T14:23:00.000-08:00

I was asked this question by someone on Twitter a few weeks ago. My answer always was "I'm many things. Although you won't know the real me on Twitter." For me, Twitter is my place to be fun, silly, talk obscenely, drink wine on Friday nights at #wineparty, be inappropriate, sexual, emotional, supportive, flirty..all sorts of things. Its my place to bitch about my sister and her dogs coming for Thanksgiving, it's my place to say whatever the hell I want. My blog is for that as well, but this blog is more the emotional, softer side of me. The place where I'm more vulnerable, where I let my guard down and actually show others that I am not a cold hearted bitch, that I do have feelings and they do get hurt and I do in fact cry. Not many people know that I cry, even less have actually SEEN me cry. Not that "this is such a happy moment" cry, but the "ugly cry" where your face gets all contorted into odd shapes you could never recreate unless you were in the "ugly cry" state. I've thought about changing up my blog because it is SO damn depressing but I can't. I don't want to not write about something because it's depressing and just be happy all the time because I do enough of that in real life, I need to let it out somewhere. That somewhere is here. Obviously everything I write isn't going to be depressing, but if so? There's nothing wrong with that!

As far as knowing who I am, I still don't know. I know that I'm a wife, I'm a mother, I'm a daughter, a sister, a student, a friend, and a bunch of other things but who do I see myself as? That's what I don't have the answer too. I do know that I am stressed to the maximum and am SO overwhelmed! I have SO much on my plate that I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know what to tackle first. I am the only source of income and when we are broke, I feel responsible. I do the laundry, so when someone doesn't have something, I feel responsible. Same thing goes for the cleaning of the house, dinners, and everything else. I am responsible for WAY too much and I am beginning to not care about anything. I was in such a funk Tuesday, on the brink of tears all day long because I was feeling the "I don't give a fuck" feeling. This feeling is synonymous with my dark hole of depression. I don't want to go back there, even just the thought of being there makes me have a bit of a panic attack. I ended up talking to Dirty about it, thanks to Danielle who made me promise to talk to him, and he helped me a lot. We came to the conclusion that I am so scared of being depressed that I sort of make myself depressed. Its a vicious cycle and I'm not sure how to stop it. I need to balance these emotions and tasks and am unsure how to do that. I do know that asking for help is HUGE, as is reaching out and while I'm not perfect at it, I'm doing better. There are just some things I have no control over and continuing stressing about those things, isn't doing me favors. On the other hand there are things that I do have control over and that's where asking for help comes in. I'll feel better if I let go a little bit. I'm tying. That's the best I can do.

Another thing that has me going is the situation with my older sister. After I wrote my letter, my dad got her address and said I could send it to her. He suggested I leave out the part about her dad and I agreed. It was a low blow and it was just mean. I didn't need to physically send it to her because she tried to add me to Facebook. That is a little to close and I do NOT want her access to pictures of my kids or my life. She made the choice to love her drugs instead of her family despite us trying to help her. That was her choice, not mine. So I ended up sending her my letter via Facebook and it wasn't well received. Not that I expected anything less, I just didn't expect the shit storm it caused. She didn't reply to me personally, but she sent it to our other siblings and my dad. One of my other sisters sent me a reply basically telling me that I am a spoiled judgmental brat who lives in a fantasy world. It was not nice at all and frankly, took me by surprise. I didn't expect anyone to remember the events the way I remembered them, but I thought maybe they'd see some of it my way? I don't know exactly what I expected but it was as hell wasn't what I got. The sister I sent the letter to did not reply to me, but she replied to my dad, which really pissed me off. I wrote the letter, if she had something to say about it, and she did, she should have sent it to me. According to her, Dirty is a lazy, controlling piece of shit who wouldn't watch his own kids so I could see my mom when she was sick. She also said that my kids are her niece and nephew and when they get older she will have a relationship with them if they want it. They won't, I've raised them better then that.

She is also confused as to why all of this is coming out now. She blames me for her son hating her and is not taking ANY responsible for anything. I knew she wasn't going to take any responsibility for anything, but I wasn't aware I was to blame for her son hating her. The best part of this whole thing? Is when she said "if and when I decide to get clean, that will be my business". She just admitted to still being on drugs! Knowing that, does she really think I want to have any sort of relationship with her? Or have my kids anywhere near her? I don't know what it's like to be addicted to drugs, so I can't relate but she HAS to know that I will not let her around my teenager! I just wish I could shake the shit out of her and allow her to see what she is doing to this family, even living a state away. She is STILL effecting our lives and I just want her to go away! I had hoped for some sort of closure after sending the letter but it's only frustrated me more. She'll never get it and I need to realize that and let it go.

In better news, my birthday is tomorrow and I plan on have a great day! I will not be grumpy, stressed, and will be happy! I will also let my family spoil me with adoration because dammit I deserve it!

She Would've Been 68 Today

2010-11-02T10:18:00.000-07:00

Its been almost 5 years, still can't believe it! Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday and then again sometimes it feels like it was so long ago. So many events have been celebrated without her, how can we celebrate without her? How is it possible that I'm still breathing and living? How did I move into my house without her helping me with my kitchen, without her making spaghetti? I can't believe I did it.

This morning I woke up feeling ok, I knew what day it was but I was determined to make it a good day. Then Facebook happened and my sister and my dad posted a video and my friend sent me a message saying she remembered and was here for me. After that, everything kind of turned into a blur and the whole breathing thing became difficult. I really did NOT want this to happen today, clearly I have no choice, but still! I just wanted to have a happy day while remembering her and eat cake. So when I reminded Dirty what day it was, he suggested I stay home and just have a day to myself. I protested a bit because I feel like I should be productive one of these years on her birth and death day, but this year isn't going to be it. Maybe next year, or maybe not. We'll see.

So far this morning, I've cried a few times, made a cake, got SO much support from everyone and listened to her song and cried some more. I just want the pain to lessen a little bit more. In time I suppose.

Happy birthday mom, I'll raise my glass to you tonight, sing you happy birthday, and eat some cake all the while thinking about what a great mom you were and are. Thank you for the 30 years you gave me. They were perfect in every way, just like you.
Love and miss you!

Dear Sister

2010-10-30T19:12:00.000-07:00

My dad won't let me call her, he thinks it won't do any good. So instead I'll write her a letter here and vent to my dad and Dirty about how I feel, despite them knowing and feeling pretty much the same way.

Dear Sister,
As much as I don't look at you as a sister anymore and don't think that word fits you, calling you a "meth whore" right from the beginning will not only stop you from reading this letter. And I NEED you to read this letter.

When I was little, I thought you and the rest of my older siblings, were SO cool. Y'all got to go to the park by yourselves and went to a big school. Y'all didn't have to have mom and dad take you everywhere. Soon, however I realized how not cool you all were. Tim was old enough to have a job, but never worked. Lori was old enough to work and of course didn't, either. You were suppose to go to school, but you were always skipping. You three were always downstairs doing your thing, while Lil Sis and I were upstairs playing Barbies or listening to music. When MY dad would go on his business trips, he would always bring you guys something back too. But that was never good enough for you. You were bound and determined to make him feel bad when he got home for whatever reason. While you never harmed Lil Sis or myself, it was very clear you didn't like us. The good thing is we were too young to realize it and still looked up to you three.

As I got older, I could see what type of person you were. Not just you, the others as well. I know Tim stole MY dad's camera, I know he also stole my necklace that Dirty gave me when he was in the Navy. I've also heard that you and Lori treated MY dad like shit. Which, btw, I will NEVER understand because he is the most gentle man in the world. He came into your life when you were 5, basically rescued you and our mom from an abusive man, yet you treated him like shit almost every day. It was and is not his fault your dad was a douche bag. It is also not my fault that we have different fathers and mine is a better man then yours could ever be.

Anyway when you had your son, we really had a connection. We spent that whole summer before together, it was so fun! We planned, shopped, and laughed so much. Then the newness of having a baby wore off and the reality set in. You got a job, so you said, and were gone more then you were home. Mom, dad, Lil sis, and I raised him while you were working. Granted I don't know what it's like to be a single mother and I could be wrong here, but I doubt it. I don't think you were working, I think you were out with your friends while all of us tended to your baby. Then you changed because you met Scott. You two got married and had a great life, on the outside. On the inside there was a lot of drinking, drugs, and infidelity. It wasn't ALL your fault, I'll give you that but it wasn't all his fault either. Once you left him, everything went to hell. You went off your God damn rocker! You left your son with Dirty and I for 2 days, we had NO idea where the fuck you were, nor did we have his asthma medication. Thank God you have an amazing family, if not, I don't even WANT to think what would have happened to that sweet innocent blue eyed little boy. You did have great timing and picked great people to leave him with. Dirty and I didn't have children yet and mom and dad were able to watch YOUR son, so between the 4 of us, we did a damn good job.

When I got pregnant with Nae you were very judgmental and condescending, you couldn't BELIEVE I was pregnant so young. When I told you the first words out of your mouth were "is this a joke?!" Really? I wasn't really THAT young and I had been with Dirty for about 3 years at the time. Anyway, that's not really a big deal, compared to everything else you've done. The conversations Dirty and I had about parenting because of you are what made us the parents we are today. I guess I should thank you for that, but I won't because I shouldn't have to learn how NOT to be a parent from my own sister.

What has pissed me off the most is when I had to tell Nae that she wasn't allowed to spend time with you anymore because of your drug use. You had borrowed mom and dad's car and didn't bring it back when you were suppose too. Mom and dad got pissed off, rightly so, and you all got into it at Nae's 3rd birthday party. Mom and dad took it downstairs so as not to upset Nae but the damage had already been done. From that point on, Dirty and I decided you weren't going to be spending ANY time with Nae. The conversation we had to have with YOUR niece was horrible. 10 years later, I can't still remember her words and the look on her face. She was devastated that she couldn't spend time with her "Tante Tricia" anymore. After that conversation Dirty and I had with her, we vowed to keep you and your shit far, far away from her and any future children we might have.

After we had Zilla, we allowed you to come over to see him because you had gotten your shit together, for the moment. Then mom got sick and we all rallied together as a family to help dad and make sure dad could get to the hospital or the nursing home to see her. When that became just TOO much for you to do, you thought stealing their car would be a good idea. Classy move. But my favorite? Was when you basically stole from my dad while our mother was in the hospital dying of cancer. Yep, that was pretty low of you. It was then and there I realized, or rather, it became more obvious that you will never change. So when we had to make the decision to take mom off life support, you were bawling and freaking out, I, your LITTLE sister by 7 years stood up and took charge. I did everything from telling the nurse our decision to buying the urn. I didn't do it for you, I did it for MY dad. I did it because it's what needed to be done and I am OK with it. I don't want you to say thank you, nor do I want a pat on the back for doing what family does for one another. I just want you to know how every one of your fucked up decisions have effected every one's life as well.

Going through mom's jewelry was hard enough, but you telling me most of it was "costume jewelry"? That was IT! We kind of got into it that night, but I still held my tongue because we were in my dad's house holding and looking at his DEAD wife's jewelry. Going off on you would have only made things worse for him, even though you totally fucking deserved.

I could go on and on for pages upon pages but rehashing all of your fuck ups won't make them any better. It won't serve any other purpose other then making you feel bad, which is a bonus, but it won't last for long. I know you too well. So let me say it simply so you don't get confused.

I don't want you in my life. I don't even CARE if you get clean and want to make amends, I will not accept it. Yes I know family is suppose to be there for each other all the time, well I'm breaking that rule. I don't want your poison anywhere near me or my children. Yes, MY children, not your "babies". You don't even KNOW Zilla and haven't seen either of them in YEARS. Even if I were to leave out my children and my husband, there would still be my dad. I don't want you anywhere near him, either. But mostly this is for me. If I never speak or see you again, I will be just fine with that. Harsh? Probably so. Mean? Oh I am sure of it. But ask me if I care? The answer is no. You have hurt me, Lil Sis, mom, my dad, and everyone else too many times for me to take the chance on you again. There is TOO much to lose. I will protect this family till I die and if that means writing you off, I'll do it with a fucking smile on my face. Trust me on this Tricia. Stay away!

~Your little sister that once thought you did no wrong, but now knows the truth.

So Pissed!

2010-10-27T18:37:00.000-07:00

I don't even have the words for how pissed off I am. All I know is that I am shaking with rage and I would love to direct this anger at the person that deserves it, but I don't think it will do any good at all.

Before my mother met and married my father, she was married to a complete asshole. An asshole that beat her, wouldn't allow her to nurse her babies, one that cheated on her, plus many other horrible things. In that marriage they had 3 children together and one he brought from a previous relationship. Every single one of those children are fucked up. They've all been in jail, were or are doing drugs, stole and manipulated both my parents. They blamed my mother for leaving their father. They blamed my dad for everything and anything they could think of. There is a 7 year gap between the youngest child of that marriage and myself. That's a very large gap, but there was a time when we were close. Not anymore. In fact, I am not close with ANY of them at all. If I never speak to any of them, it will be too soon.

I could go on and on about all the horrible things my older sister did to my parents but I don't have that kind of time and frankly there is just TOO much to say. I will say that when my mom was in the hospital, DYING of cancer, my older sister took their car to do something and sold their handicapped sticker. She stole jewelry, money, their checkbook, my money, she lied about being raped, just to name a few. I'm sure you get the picture. She is NOT a nice person. It may be the drugs that are helping her do this shit, but that's only an excuse. She's been a user (of people) since I can remember.

Since we moved and my dad came into his money, shes popped back up on our radar, weird right? She's asked him for money because she needs food and OF course she isn't doing drugs anymore, so the money isn't for drugs. What the fuck ever! Nobody believes your bull shit. The worst part? Is she is making MY dad feel bad.

He went to California with my Lil Sis and they were going to meet here, my dad even paid for a bus ticket for her, but she made excuses to not show up. One of her excuses was that it was raining and she couldn't get to the bus station. Oh? Really? The rain prevents you from getting to the bus station? I get that you live in California and probably aren't use to the rain like we are here in Oregon, but I promise you, it wasn't enough to keep you from your father and little sister. But whatever, clearly it wasn't important enough.

The latest news is that she texted my dad tonight and said "daddy I'm desperate, I need to get out of here". She wants to come here! Uhhh no. Apparently she has some court date but is willing to miss that "just to come home". Well her "home" isn't here anymore. Not because she left us and didn't contact us for years after my mom died, but because she is a person I don't want in my life, sister or not. This isn't only just about me, its about my kids, Dirty, AND my dad. I am SO sick of her using my dad for her benefit. She treated him like shit when he never did anything wrong. He never treated her differently. He didn't treat her like she wasn't his blood, he accepted her. Even when she stole from his dying wife. He still treated her like he would me or my Lil Sis.

I'm SO tempted to call her and tell her to get the hell out of our lives. She has never done any of us any good by being in it. I know that's harsh, but it's true. I've been hurt by her before, but that pain has been replaced with anger. And I will protect my dad and my family in any way I feel the need too. And if that means giving her a call, I'll do just that.

Let The Healing FINALLY Begin

2010-10-11T11:01:00.000-07:00

Its been almost 5 years since my life changed forever. Its been almost 2 years since I finally stopped running away from the pain. Its been a long time since I've felt anything but pain. It feels like I am on the road to healing, or maybe closer to actually BEING healed.

After spending some time with my thoughts and feelings about my mom being here, in my house, I am OK. It's good that she's here, I accept it. I accept her death, now. My heart knows that she won't come back and I won't be able to physically see her again. This doesn't mean that I won't have moments of sadness, but after this weekend, I feel OK. I think my soul has healed a little. Nothing can ever heal the part of my soul that was damaged the day she died, but I know I can soften the sting a bit.

Saturday I went to the coast with Peaches and her roommate. We had a great time shopping, laughing, and getting poured on. We got a little bummed when neither of us could find a purse at Coach and decided on a whim to get tattoos! At first I didn't want a tattoo, I wanted to get my nose pierced. The more I thought about it, the more I did want a tattoo. I wanted to get a tattoo for my mom. Not a memorial tattoo per se, but something that means something to me. Nothing huge but something simple. I had thought about getting a lung cancer ribbon, but then Peaches asked me "wouldn't you rather get something that reminds you of your mom rather then of her death?" She made a really good point. I need to remember her and not her death. Her death does not define her life, no matter what caused her death. She and her life are more then lung cancer and the strokes.

So....I got a tattoo on the inside of my left wrist. It's on the small side and I absolutely LOVE it! It's perfect. I got an outline of a forget-me-not, one of her favorite flowers and one that's always reminded me of her. I might get it colored in later, but as of right now, I am 100% happy with it. I feel very at peace with my decision, I feel settled. It was the right thing to do.

Last week was a very emotional week but I think I made HUGE progress. I'm very proud of myself for facing these blocks and going past them instead of allowing them to hold me back. I did do some crying Saturday night, but it felt good to let those tears out. I never feel good crying, but I did after I got home. Best part? My dad approved! I thought for sure he was going to hate it, but he really likes it!

I did good!

Today Was THE Day

2010-10-07T14:29:00.000-07:00

Since my dad moved in, I've been wondering when my mom's ashes were coming. I had mentioned it to him before and he never really gave me a definite answer, nor did I press him for one. Apparently the day was Tuesday when he came back from Lil Sis' house. Although......I wasn't aware of this until this morning when I was downstairs talking to him. I was sitting on the floor petting the dog and ca, talking to dad, I look over at the coffee table and there it is. My mom's urn. The one Dirty and I bought and I held in my lap from the crematorium to the church the day of her funeral. I couldn't breathe, let alone finish my sentence. I stammered a few "ummms" and "uuuhhhhs" and finally finished whatever I was saying, which now I can't really remember. I didn't get up and run upstairs, but I excused myself before I started to cry. I still can't cry in front of my dad, the look on his face will break my heart, I just know it.

I was texting Danielle and told her what I just saw. Let me just tell you how amazing she is! She said all the right things and handled my grief and shock great! Seriously, I can't thank her enough. I know it's really difficult to handle another person's grief. You never know what to say and always question if what you said was right or not, but Danielle? She has always been great, especially today. She told me to breath and encouraged me to talk to Dirty. And I did just that.

My voice was shaky as were my hands and I really was having a hard time catching my breath but I told him what was going on. Having my mom here now, as physically as she can be, is rough. I can't really pretend that all of this didn't happen when there is hard core evidence that she is dead. All I have to do is go downstairs and see her urn. She's here.

I'm a little shell shocked but I know that I am OK. This is the last step for me. The last step in true acceptance of my mom's death. Right now, in this moment? I am sad. I miss my mom so much right now that it hurts. But I can also look at it that we are all together again, as a family; just like Dirty said. I haven't lived with my parents in years, and I never thought I would again. If I had thought about it, I sure wouldn't have thought this is how it was going to be, but it is what it is.

So far I've told four people (thank you Heather for your love) and while it isn't any easier each time, I feel my heart open a little each time. Every word I've typed I get a little more light into my soul. I've lived in the darkest place for so long that the light can be blinding and scary for me. It's a slow process but I know that moving to the warmth of the many that love me is what I need to do. I NEED that warmth, I NEED those kind words, warm hugs and the encouragement that this is right. The hiding and being scared isn't. Yes, the books tell you that talking to your family and friends is a very good thing. Hell even my therapist said that too, but I just couldn't let go and give my fragile soul to others. I felt the NEED to protect myself from more pain, despite KNOWING the people that I am talking about (YOU) will not hurt me.

I'm falling into the arms of love and basking in the warmth. There will be times when I will run back to my dark place, but I know, now, that I am much happier in the light of my family and friends. I'm taking deep breaths and embracing the helping hand.

Frustrated by the Lack of Information

2010-10-04T09:59:00.000-07:00

When Dirty lost his job, almost 2 years ago, I immediately applied for health care for Nae and Zilla. That was the one AND only thing I cared about. There was NO way I was NOT going to have health care for them. Since Dirty was getting fairly good unemployment benefits, I assumed we would be paying something. Turns out, we didn't have to. Oregon has a program that every child gets health care benefits no matter what. BONUS! I wasn't concerned about health care for us, just the children. When I broke my hand, health insurance would have been nice, but because I am a college student, I qualified for grants to pay for surgery, doctor's appointments and physical therapy. That was HUGE, because my surgery ALONE was almost $10,000...EEK! Anyway, because Dirty was unemployed and I wasn't working or going to school at the time, we were able to get some food stamp benefits. That helped out a lot, even though it kind of sucked, the reality of it.

I started school last year and was told that loans aren't considered income so I didn't have to report that to them. When I went in for my yearly intake appointment last week, I told them anyway. I should've told them before, but it would have effected our benefits in OUR favor, so I didn't get in trouble for it. When I DID tell them I was going to school full time, I was told that I won't be included in the benefits unless I had a part time job or was in the federal work study program. Didn't make ANY sense to me, but OK? My case worker told me to bring in information on the work study program and he could include me in the benefits and we would be able to get insurance and maybe more food stamps. I wasn't in a hurry to give him the paperwork because the jobs don't get handed out until October 15, so I had no idea if I had a job through the school or not. I thought I was doing the right thing. Plus? We don't actually need more benefits, we're doing well with what we have. I didn't want to take anything that could be used for someone else. I'm aware the state doesn't work like this, but it didn't feel right to ME, and Dirty agreed. I was wrong :-| I got a phone call Friday from my case worker telling me I needed to give him that information and until I did so, our application was suspended. What...WHAT?!

He made it sound like it wasn't a "required" document, but then his phone call stated differently. I got the information and turned it in as soon as I got out of class on Friday. After talking to some people about all of this, I find out that I might qualify for cash benefits because I am a full time student and Dirty isn't working. I found this out through OTHER people, not from someone who works for the state. Shouldn't this have been information offered to me before? When I asked about it, I was told that this particular benefit is only for women who are in a life threatening situation or a family that has had their house burned down, etc. That is NOT the correct information! I am a full time student and ANY full time college student qualifies for this benefit. Apparently it's been around for awhile, because a few people have told me about it after I started asking around.

So, this morning, I filled out MORE paperwork for this cash assistance. As I was in the office talking to yet ANOTHER case worker, I see a lot of information on free health care and dental clinics for adults. There are at least 5 clinics in the area that either have hours where they take patients who don't have insurance or a clinic specifically for people who don't have health insurance. I also saw information on low cost medication for people without health insurance. I KNEW NONE OF THIS! It would have been great information to have when I broke my hand or even before. Just in case Dirty or I got sick and needed to go to the doctor. Right now if one of us gets sick, we have 3 choices; we go to the ER and have to pay a $200 detectable PLUS whatever the ER visit costs OR we suck it up and hope it isn't anything serious that needs antibiotics, or we can treat with home remedies. Why wasn't I given this information when I signed up the children for state insurance? They asked me if I had insurance, I told them no and they put our names in a lottery for insurance, but we didn't get picked. Maybe they could have given me a packet in information with all these names and numbers so we could go to the doctor if needed instead of going to the ER and paying an extraordinary amount or even not paying it at all (because the ER is EXPENSIVE)?

This all just seems SO back-ass-wards! Not to mention the fact that there are SO many more options for people on food stamps then just going to the grocery store and buying food there. Farmer's markets take food stamps! And so do some crop share programs, as does Costco. Once again, I didn't find out any of this information from the state, I got it from one of my professors last term.

In this state, if you're on WIC, (I have no idea about other states, since I live in Oregon) you have to go to some classes to make sure you're feeding your baby the right foods, help with breast feeding, and general care of your new infant. Granted, taking care of a baby is important and a lot of women need that, but shouldn't that be the same for the food stamp program? Shouldn't there be a class you have to go to and LEARN who takes food stamps and what foods are healthy and aren't? It seems like a no brainer, but there are people out there who don't KNOW! These classes could teach people how to eat and buy healthier foods, maybe even a cooking class? I'm sure I'm probably being a Polly Anna about this, but if there's funding for certain programs, there should be "how to" classes to go along with them?

It feels like if I wasn't going to school and neither Dirty or myself were working, we would be getting a lot more help, through the state, but because that's not the case, I'm having to DRAG information out of other people. So, because I am trying to do the right thing, I am having to jump through hoops while the woman down the street with a truck load of children and no job, gets everything handed to her. I can totally see why people use the system, it's so much fucking easier!

I'm frustrated and fed up. I'm not doing ANY of this for myself, I am doing it for my family. So my kids can go to the doctor when they need too. So when they ask me "can you get some yogurt at the store?" I can say "yes, no problem". And when they want to do a sport, I don't have to figure out where that $60 is going to come from. I wouldn't expect anyone to make this easy on me, I don't want it to be easy, but maybe a little forthcoming with information would be nice.

Is this an Oregon thing, or do other states have screwed up "help", too? Am I asking for too much? Should I just shut my mouth and be thankful for what I even have? Which I am, but frustrated as well.

Identity

2010-09-30T21:21:00.000-07:00

I am not sure who or what identify with anymore. I have always identified myself as a woman, obviously, because I am one. I try not to identify myself solely on being a mother, wife, sister, daughter or friend. All of those are amazing things to be, no doubt, but I don't want to be known as "Beautiful Mess, Dirty's wife" or "Beautiful Mess, Nae and Zilla's mom". It's not that I am ashamed of being a friend, mother, wife, sister, or daughter, I just feel I am MORE then that. I am also a nursing student, but more importantly I am ME. The only problem is, who is "me"?

Today in psychology class we were talking about wearing masks throughout your life. Sometimes those masks are needed, such as when you're at work vs when you're with your friends. Most of the time, you can't act the same in both places. So when you're at work or with your friends you wear the appropriate mask. Those are, apparently, "healthy masks". I raised my hand and asked "what are unhealthy masks?" I knew the answer already, if I had just sat and thought about it I would've figured it out, but I was too quick to get an answer. Or maybe it was just something that I needed to hear, rather then think. He said "an unhealthy masks is one you wear after a trauma, emotional or physical. Sometimes it becomes second nature and you don't even think about it anymore, it becomes a part of you. Eventually though, your two worlds collide and your unhealthy mask will fall and your healthy mask will prevail." I just laughed to myself because could he be reading my mind or know my situation any more? I mean, really? Trauma? Unhealthy masks? Apparently I am, in fact, a cliche.

So, I'm still wearing my unhealthy mask and right now? That's comfortable for me. I know I can't wear this mask forever and I can already feel my two worlds getting closer and closer. I'm sure they'll collide soon, I don't think it'll happen in days, but within a matter of months, MY mask will overcome the mask I've been wearing since my mom died.

I'm not sure who I'll be after my unhealthy masks falls, but I know I won't be the same "happy go lucky" woman I was. On the other hand, I won't be the "everyone is going to go off and die on me" woman I am now. A combination of the two, maybe? Can the two me's reside in one person? I'm sure they can, but I am a little bit afraid to find out who the new person I will end up being. I'm sure I will still have the same qualities I possessed before, as well as the cautious nature I have now. It will be awfully interesting to see how the people who didn't know me before my mom died react, but I can't do anything about their reactions. I'm sure my family will be happy to see more of the "before me" come back. And the people who don't know me yet will not know the difference. That's the part that blows my mind. Right now my life is split into two categories "the people that knew me before and the ones that know me now". There's never EVEN been a thought of the third part, so I guess that's progress? Once again, only time will tell how all of this will pan out. I'm not ready for the change, but I am ready to start THINKING bout the change.

Maybe the collision of my two worlds won't be as dramatic as I think it's going to be. Maybe, just MAYBE it's a gradual collision and it won't leave me with more trauma. Because frankly? I don't think I can handle anymore trauma.

New Day, Different Emotions

2010-09-18T22:37:00.000-07:00

The comments from my last post? AMAZING! Thank you ALL so much. I truly value each and every one. As always, every word made me feel tons better.

Dirty was gone for most of the day helping his dad cut down a tree, we opted not to go because the children would have been bored. Dealing with bored children at my in-laws house didn't sound very appealing in the least. Instead, I took a nap (YAY) and the three of us cleaned the house. I also got to watch Mamma Mia and cried through most of it. I don't know why but that movie makes me cry happy and sad tears. Anyway, since Dirty was gone all day, I was able to reflect on my mood and our fight from last week. I thought about my post and the beautiful words that were left in the comments. I realized that it is OK to feel overwhelmed by everything, including a move that is suppose to be positive. Also? Dirty was gone from 7AM-3PM and the "OMG I haven't heard from him all day, he's dead" thoughts didn't start until 1:00. PROGRESS!

I did talk to Dirty tonight, after he started the conversation with me. I'm STILL not quite to the point where I can start off a deep conversation about what's going on inside my head. I'm getting there, though. I told him how I'm scared of being depressed and getting to where I was before. The more I thought about it and talked to him, the more I think it's the FEAR of being depressed then actually BEING depressed. I may have been going into that dark place or it may have been just another wave of grief. Or maybe the two are the same? I'm not sure and I don't think it matters. What does matter is that I (along with a lot of support and help) got out of it the first time and I can do it again.

I use to never have a problem with change, but apparently that has changed. A lot has changed since the day my mom died. Every new event that happens in our life is always peppered with thoughts of "mom should be here". From small things to big things, mom should be part of them. She should have been the one helping me put my kitchen together, I shouldn't have had to do it by myself. But the reality is that she isn't here experiencing them with us and there is nothing I can do to change that. My feelings are my feelings and there is nothing wrong with having them, no matter how long it's been since she died. I'll, most likely, never get over her death. Am I even suppose too? I doubt it very much.

This is my new reality and even though its been almost 5 years, it's still so new. I don't know how to live a life without my mom in it. I'm a slow learner, but at least I'm learning?

Internal Dialog

2010-09-16T20:49:00.000-07:00

Ever since we moved, maybe before, I've had this internal dialog that goes a little something like this "I don't give a shit" or "Oh really YOU have a headache?! You poor thing, ya gonna make it?" Needless to say, it isn't a nice dialog, not even a little bit. I don't say these things out loud for a few reasons, 1) I'm pissy because I'm tired and 2) going off on whomever is pissing me off at the time isn't going to do anyone any good. I don't even think I'd feel good if I spoke these feelings out loud. I would most likely just feel bad and that's not helpful either.

Since we moved, I feel I've made a lot of sacrifices. Some that are evident and some that aren't. I don't want to be anyone to throw me a party because I gave up on something little, but maybe a little recognition would be nice? I feel like I'm under SO much stress and instead of wanting to deal with the situations that are causing me stress, all I want to do is go to bed. I don't give a shit if there isn't any gas in the car, figure it out. I want to scream and yell at everyone and tell them to go the fuck away and just stop talking to me! I am clearly unhappy and I have no idea why. I should be ecstatic! We have a house, our own house! A place where we can rip up the lawn if we feel like it, paint the walls whatever color we want. We don't need permission to do anything, that's pretty exciting, but there's also the debt that goes along with it. Besides vehicles, we've never had any sort of debt before. We never had a credit card, we never took out loans, so this debt that is looming over me, is driving me crazy. Not to mention school hasn't started and summer term sucked, so there's no money coming in for about 2 weeks. And the bills just keep piling up and up.

Yesterday Dirty and I were talking about my schedule and the classes I am taking are all evening class, not ideal, I agree, but we do what we gotta do. Instead of me taking his suggestions I got my feelings hurt. It totally felt like he was telling me "you fucked up! How are you suppose to take care of me, the children, your dad, and dinner if you're not here?" Instead of me asking him or talking it out, I just shut down. It isn't the first time and it won't be the last. This feels a lot like how I was when I was depressed. When I came to grips with my mom's death, I just shut down. All I did was lay on the couch staring into nothing. I barely made any conversation with anyone, even if I did all the things I was "suppose" to do during the day. I'd get the children off to school, but after that, my best friend was my couch. I felt numb and hopeless, I feel a lot like that right now. I don't know what to do about it. I have NOTHING to be depressed about. We just bought a house! So many people would KILL to be in my situation and I'm depressed about it? That's a little fucked up, don't you think? I honestly have no idea what to do.

Another thing that is frustrating to me is the state insurance the kids are on. I am SO thankful they have insurance, but the hoops I have to jump through really piss me off. I went to my yearly intake appointment and because Dirty isn't working and I'm a student, we get food stamps, which is very helpful and I totally appreciate it, but it is SO back-ass-wards! The kids and Dirty are counted on the report but I don't because I don't have a part time job, nor am I in the work study program through the school. Even though I am a full time student, I don't get any benefits because I am not working....while going to school FULL TIME! I don't get it. So if I weren't going to school, I would get MORE benefits? Dirty isn't working because someone needs to take care of the children and my dad, so i just need to do the same and we'll get more benefits?

When I was there I inquired about gas cards and cash benefits, I was told that I needed to be in the "JOBS" program or be in an immediate emergency situation. "So, looking at colleges to get my nursing degree doesn't count?" "No, you would have to be actively looking for a job". Wait, what?! How does THAT make any sense? Granted I'm not in DIRE need of either of those, though they would come in pretty fucking handy right about now, but shouldn't, as a student, one get SOMETHING? I'm not one for asking for a handout and if it weren't for Nae and Zilla needing to be insured I wouldn't have ever stepped foot into that office, but now that I have, I don't like the way things are ran at all. *sigh*

All of this combined with whatever is going on with me means I am not doing well. I am confused, bitchy, defensive, and honestly, probably having a glass of wine too early in the day. Not like with my morning coffee, but at 5:00. That's early for me. I'm not getting drunk or anything, but by 5, I am SO ready for a glass of wine and the relaxing feeling it gives me. And I don't do a damn thing all day to be stressed out over! If I'm feeling like this now, what happens when school starts in 2 weeks? Good grief, I am a mess...again!

These Things Happen

2010-09-06T09:24:00.000-07:00

The first 7 or so years of my marriage, I was blissfully unaware that marriage was work, constant work. Not bad work necessarily, but work nonetheless. After our first big fight around the 7 year mark, we realized we need to communicate better and raising children, trying to get pregnant and careers, are important but not as important as spending quality time with each other. Even if it's just a walk down to the corner market by ourselves. Time together is a must!

Ever since then, we've had a few ups and downs, but on the whole they were always resolved with an "I'm sorry" or something to that effect. This weekend was different. This weekend, Dirty packed some clothes, took the keys to the old car and left (he's back now). I was torn between helping him pack and wanting him to stay. By the time he actually packed his bag yesterday, we had been fighting since Friday. We hadn't been fighting as much as we weren't talking to each other. Except for yesterday, there were A LOT of word exchanged yesterday and some of them not so kind.

He was angry with me because I've been "bitchy" since we moved. And while I'd love to deny it and say he's wrong, he isn't. Since we moved, I have been very pissy. I'm not sure why, but I think it's because I don't feel settled here, yet. I don't know if it's because NONE of our appliances are hooked up and we STILL don't have the fridge or dishwasher, or because I haven't slept well since we moved. I get woken up at least once a night by the puppy or Zilla wants to wake up EARLY or something is going on. I just haven't slept and no sleep makes me a VERY bitchy lady! I already did the newborn-wake-up-every-2-hours thing, I was NOT aware I was going to have to do it again with a puppy! It's bull shit and the fact that NOBODY told me? Not cool at all, people!

Anyway, we also realized yesterday that there are some issues on my end that I need to work on (there are some issues on his end too, but this is MY blog and MY space and if I have things to fix, this is where I get to fix them). He said when he asks me "what's wrong" and I don't tell him and he KNOWS something is up, it hurts him. He asks because he wants to help, this all sounds WAY too familiar. We went through the same crap after my mom died. I finally broke down into a puddle of tears and told him, "I can't tell you anything! I can't tell anyone anything! I don't confide in anyone!" And there it is, y'all! The root of all our problems for the past 4 years, I can't let anyone in because I don't want to feel the way I did when my mom died. I can't go through that again. Also, the whole Peaches being a spoiled brat and our friendship not being what it use to be didn't help much either. Once again it happened with my old roommate, I treated her fairly and she didn't do the same. In reality she did the exact opposite of treating me fairly. So, that's three people that I've let in and now they are gone. That makes me not want to let anyone in and not be vulnerable, to anyone.

Dirty said it hurts his feelings and makes him feels as if I don't trust him when I say "I'm fine" and I'm not. I get that. I would probably feel the same way, so I promised to TRY to open up. This isn't going to be easy for many reasons, some of which I already stated but also because I hate whiny people! I seriously can NOT stand people who do nothing but complain. It really makes me stabby and twitchy. I'm sure I can open up and not be whiny, least I hope so!

Here goes EVERYTHING.....wish me luck!

Taking The High Road

2010-09-04T10:23:00.000-07:00

I always try to take the high road, I may not ALWAYS succeed, but the majority of the time I do. People look at me as weak when I take the high road. I've gotten asked "doesn't that piss you off?!" Well of course it does, but going off on someone rarely fixes the problem, usually makes it worse. I'd much rather be patient and allow things to fall into place then get all worked up about it and potentially say or do something stupid.

When Peaches and I got into our stupidest fight ever, I took the high road. It wasn't easy because it would have felt SO good to just yell at her and tell her how immature she's acting and to grow up, but it would've done me no good. I probably would've gotten a headache from yelling at her and lost my voice. I know my words would have not been thought over, so why bother? I'll just be nice and wait for the universe to show her what real life is. When Dirty and I get into arguments, I always take the high road. I'll walk away and not push his buttons to get him to speak, it never works anyway. Things weren't always like that, there was a time I didn't realize he needed some time to chill out and not talking to me for a while is his way of cooling down. I get it now, despite me thinking it's immature, it's his way. Not my place to say it's right or wrong.

After moving, things hit the fan with our old roommate and once again, I took the high road. I am saddened by the way things turned out, but I know I didn't do anything wrong. I did my best to make our living situation benefit her, but it takes more then one to make a compromise work. I know she isn't taking the high road because she has said things to my family about my and Dirty. Personally, I think this is a low blow, but there's no stopping her. She doesn't see it as being wrong, she sees it as talking to her friends about how horrible her roommates were to her. I told my sister and dad that I don't like what she's doing, but not because she's taking behind my back but because she is putting them in a position to defend me. That is what I have a problem with. If my family wants to be friends with her, I don't really care. However, she should have some manners and not put my lil sis and dad in that position, that's not very cool.

End of Summer Term

2010-08-27T23:09:00.000-07:00

You all have been with me through this whole year of school and have been the best supporters EVER! I wish I could do something super all kinds of exciting for each and every one of you, but sadly, I'm not rich (yet). But what I can offer you is the truth. I've never once lied to anybody on my blog. I've told y'all about the deepest darkest hole I was in when I was depressed about my mom's death. I mentioned Dirty's anxiety and never once did I get a comment telling me to grow up or get over something, you all have been SO amazing. And for that, I will confess to you that summer term SUCKED! Seriously sucked! I really enjoyed my psychology and health class, but typing and sociology, not so much. I WANTED to love sociology as much as I loved the other 2, but I couldn't. I could not grasp the theories or the theorists. I studied for every test and never once did I get anything above a C. I was so frustrated because I wanted SO badly to do well in this class and have everything stick, but it never happened. I ended up with a C in the class. The first time I've gotten a C in anything, in my college career, and I'm OK with it. I don't know if I'll take it again or not, but a C is what I got. It is what it is. I honestly did my best, that's pretty much all I can do.

Now typing is a completely different thing. I didn't struggle in this class because I can't type, obviously I can. I can actually type pretty fast. Getting the "home keys" down was a pain in the ass, but eventually I got em and ROCKED that class. Or so I thought....reading the syllabus is rule number ONE to succeed in college and guess who didn't do that? Yeah, that would be me. I was so focused on getting through the chapters and getting it over and done with that I didn't realize that all the work had to be turned in BEFORE finals week. So when I went to turn in my work the Monday of finals week and was told "I don't accept work the last week of term", I knew right then and there I failed the class. I screwed up, it's nobody's fault but my own, I own that. I got my first F and it feels just as shitty as I thought it would. I'm upset with myself, but also I know that beating myself up over it isn't going to change my grade. The best I can do is take it again in the fall or winter and get an A in it and hope that the ONE F on my transcripts won't screw up my chances of getting into the universities I want to get into to. Any thoughts?

The good thing about this is that if I'm going to fail a class, failing a one credit class is the way to go. It didn't even effect my GPA much, my GPA went from a 3.76 to a 3.70...so if I'm going to put a positive spin on this whole thing, that's going to be it.

So, yeah...that sucks, but life isn't over and I know it's my fault and I can do better and I will.

OUR HOUSE!

2010-08-20T09:31:00.000-07:00

The back deck and our housewarming gift from Dirty's parents.

The front room and our new couches. Love them, SO comfy!

The landing to the front door. Don't love the color of the stairs or the linoleum, but that'll change in time.

Where the stove WILL be in a few days. Thank GAWD for the grill, otherwise we'd all be eating pizza. It is NOT easy not having a range to cook on.

The ugly curtains that are coming down as soon as I have new ones. I can't even describe how much I don't like these. We have them in the front room too.

My kitchen ;o) Love the counter tops, they're stone. So easy to clean and match the floors nicely.

The pretty floors we have in the kitchen and the dinning room. We are ALL in agreement that we HATE the cabinets, but once again, all in time. We'll be here for awhile, so no hurry.

Our bed, where the magic happens, yo! Notice the no headboard or foot-board? Classy!

The master bathroom! Not so much in love with that cabinet, but we haven't figured out what to do with it yet.

Our sink, don't love the dark counter-top, but there's a Lowe's right down the street ;o)

Nae's room. It's normally the cleanest room in the house, but she has a friend over and they got all wild and crazy. She has all kinds of fun ideas for her room. Can't wait to see the finished product.

Zilla's room, by far the messiest room in the house. I swear there is NO way we're going to be able to make him keep it clean. I'm scared of the teenage years..EEK!

The front yard, this was a few days before we got the keys. They have since taken down the post. We're thinking of putting a tall lamp post there, but we have some yard work to do first. That's Dirty's job.

The kids' bathroom. It's VERY small but has a nice deep tub that will have to be refinished or replaced in a few years, the color is awful. And the cabinets! What the hell is with the single handle in the middle?!

Part of the backyard. The backyard is HUGE, as is the back deck. We're thinking about getting a big pool and putting it in this area and a hot tub under the deck. Just throwing out ideas right now.

And that's OUR new house. We love it and are looking forward to putting some work into it to make it OURS.

Teaching Lessons

2010-08-14T20:33:00.000-07:00

I did take pictures but I can't find the thingy that I put my SD card in to load the pictures from my phone. I think its in the junk drawer, but I'm afraid to look in there because Dirty has been putting EVERYTHING in that drawer. I'll look and take more pictures tonight. I must warn you though...there are boxes and bags still unpacked, not to mention UGLY curtains and paint on the walls. Just sayin...

Anyway, I had to share something with all of you and I just KNOW you will appreciate it! My favorite class this term was psychology, best class EVAH! We ended up having an amazing class discussion about various diseases that could be tested if one was to do IVF. Of course me being the crusader of making at least ONE class discussion on this topic, I was the one who started it and peppered my professor with all my questions. It was going great until this one *deep breath* woman (and I use this term LIGHTLY) said the most insensitive thing ever! It took everything I had not to turn around and smack the stupid right out of her head. But because I know it wouldn't have done me any good, I just took a lot of deep breaths. When I mentioned that I know a lot of people doing IVF for infertility and some doing it for reasons so as not to pass on a disease to their child, the woman says "sounds like natural selection to me". I know, right?! Rage was flowing through my veins, I tell you! Instead of lowering myself to her level, I just mentioned "I had difficulties conceiving my son and he DOES deserve to be walking this planet just as much as anyone else". Of course you can't change stupid with one remark so I decided to do an extra credit project on infertility.

It was both amazing because I was teaching others who had no idea what infertility was and also I found a lot of information in my family"s history that I didn't know. When I came home from that class, I was so mad! I even texted Geek and Due and ranted and raved to them. Dirty got the brunt of it though, poor guy. He tried to defend her saying "she might have had a bad experience with infertility and is lashing out." And if that were the case, I would have forgiven her, but it wasn't, she was just being ignorant and stupid. Not to mention the fact that she offended me and many of the people that I love so dearly.

When I talked to my professor about my project she said it was a great idea and even though she didn't name any names, she said "it would be good for others in our class to see a side of infertility that not many see." She also counseled a couple of infertile couples during her career and has some friends who have gone through treatments. So the scene was set and I worked on my project for a few weeks and it turned out great. I presented it to the class and of course Stupid (I think that's a perfect name for her) asked what I was doing my project on and when I told her she said "I had issues with that too". OK, so my first impression was wrong, I guess...only it wasn't! She went up before me to present and said she had all FOUR of her kids easily and on "accident". WAIT, WHAT?! Clearly she doesn't know what "infertility" is, or even "sub fertile". I was totally giving her the benefit of the doubt until she said THAT! So when I went up, I made sure I explained what exactly infertility is so she doesn't make that mistake again. I also schooled my professor on a few terms ;o)

All in all it was a very interesting term in that class and I learned a lot. I'm *thinking* I might even minor in psychology, or at the VERY least take some psychology classes. If nothing else, they'll help me with my patients and hopefully be more sensitive to what others are going through. I know it's a HUGE load, but a girl can dream can't she?

Getting Settled

2010-08-12T11:58:00.000-07:00

So, we got the house! We finally got the keys almost 2 weeks ago. It's been the craziest two weeks I've ever had in my life! There's been MANY hours of no sleep, a few fights, a few tantrums, and a few "WTF?! Are you serious" moments, but on the whole it's going...well-ish.

The only thing that's sucked, besides not getting any sleep, is moving all my dad's stuff and coming across my mom's stuff. Reality is a bitch, yo! We were unloading the uhaul and came across her leg braces and the bag we brought home from the hospital after she passed. That was not fun. I ran into the bathroom, hoping to make it into the shower before the meltdown started, but I only made it to the bathroom floor. So very glamorous crying on the bathroom floor into a towel that we use to soak up water after we get out of the shower. Dirty came in and let me have my little breakdown and it's been going on and off ever since. Not to mention finals have been this week and we got a puppy. Yeah, no sleep here for me.

My dad has AT LEAST 10 years worth of stuff. Before my mom died, she was the one who made him throw various papers and knick knacks away, he hasn't done ANY of that since before she got sick. Not only does he have years of stuff, he's also acquired MORE stuff. I swear he has 5 entertainment centers and 3 desks, not even kidding! Oh well, we're getting through it, day by day. My lil sis has been here helping, so that's been a plus. I don't think I could handle going through all that stuff, emotionally by myself. I would throw it all away because I wouldn't want to randomly come across it. Reality isn't my strong suit, it's a work in progress.

Having my mom's stuff here is weird, but I'm slowly getting use to it. I don't love it because it still hurts too much, but I'll get there. In the meant time I'm trying to pass my sociology class and try not to kill anyone.

Hope everyone is well. I have a six week vacation starting after my final today and I plan to catch up with everyone!
*HUGS*

An Open Letter to My Haters

2010-07-11T18:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Haters,
I am perfectly aware you hate me, BELIEVE me I am. Just because I smile at you and engage you in conversation, does not mean you can go to my friends and talk shit about me because you think I don't know. I do this for a few reasons 1) it's going to piss you off THAT much more. 2) I really don't care that you hate me and 3) I have enough friends that don't talk shit about me, that I don't need you. You see, my parents raised me to be polite even when there's nothing more I'd like to do then rip your eyes out and tell you exactly how I feel. But I don't do this because it won't do me any good, I know there is NOTHING I can do to make you change your mind about me. You can continue to hate me for whatever reason you hate me, but the minute you start saying something about me being a bad mom, all bets are off. Y'all have said it in the past and I've ignored it because really? I'm the bad mom because I go out a few times a month and leave my children WITH THEIR FATHER?! The man who has fathered BOTH my children and I'm STILL married to? I know it's a new concept for you, being married to a man for 17 years and all, but it's true. And all your shit talking isn't going to change that. You're even welcome to call my husband and tell him I flirt with other men if you'd like. Sadly for you, he won't be pissed off because he already knows.I'm just letting you all know so there is no misunderstanding when I go off on you the next time you decide to question my mothering abilities.

Oh and that rumor you all keep talking about? I will neither deny it nor will I confirm it. Why? Because it cracks me up that you think I slept with him. You can whisper behind my back ALL you want and glare at me when I walk into a room, it isn't going to stop me from having a good time. You are even welcome to talk tell everyone I talk to that I'm a thief and all I do is try to scam men for free drinks. They already know! Men know what goes on at bars, they aren't stupid and they don't need you protecting them. Also? I'm a fun person and whomever I talk to will realize you're an ugly jealous person fairly quickly.

Thank you for making my life interesting though. It's never a dull moment when y'all are around.
Sincerely,
Beautiful Mess

Decisions

2010-07-01T11:31:00.000-07:00

It is really difficult to find time to blog AND do homework, feels like it's either one or the other. I'm a little ahead in homework, which is why I can blog. I read most of my blogs last night so now I can blog. YAY!!!

I ended up with 2 B's last term! Not OK! I knew I was going to get a B in writing, but I was NOT expecting a B in health. When I went back for summer term, I asked her about my grade and it turns out that she didn't count an essay I wrote. All I had to do was turn that in and she bumped my grade up to an A WOOOHOOO!! That made my GPA go up to 3.92, MUCH happier about that. Although, I do have to give myself props for NOT freaking out about my 2 B's. I was upset, obviously but I didn't end up in the corner in the fetal rocking back and forth crying. I say that's success!

This term is going GREAT! I love all my classes. I haven't even whined once when the weather is nice and I had to go to class. That's a lot of love for my classes!

I think I'm going to make some changes as far as school goes. My plan was to bust through fall term so I could apply to the nursing program in February, but I think I might wait. The nursing program I was going to apply too is really hard to get in and it's only offered every other year, but it's only a 2 year program. I think a 4 year program at a university will benefit me more. It'll be more work and difficult, but I think it will pay off in the end. There are about 3 colleges I want to go too, but I haven't made a concrete decision yet. I'm thinking Oregon State University because I know there are some fertility clinics in the area and I might be able to get to know the people that work there and at least get a toe in the door. But then again Portland State University has an AMAZING nursing program, so I just have no idea. I need to do some more research. BAH! Any advice?

So, we've been tryin to buy this damn house down the street for 7 months now and we're closer then we've ever been, so exciting! All of our bids are in, signed in blood, itemized just how Fannie Mae likes it. Our Realtor is a dumbass, our 2nd extension was approved but the 3rd wasn't because we asked for an extension until the 10th, apparently that's a weekend and the government doesn't work on the weekends. So we had to put in ANOTHER one, which was approved (thank Goddess) but shouldn't our Realtor know that? Then my dad had to call her yesterday because if the extension wasn't approved by 5pm, we would have been shit out of luck. She never called us, we had to call her. I can NOT wait until I don't have to talk to this woman again, she is seriously dumb as a box of rocks and has NO idea what she is doing. I dislike her.....a lot!

That's pretty much it on my end. Hope ya'll are doing well. Miss you all SO much!

Real Quick....

2010-06-11T10:02:00.000-07:00

...because I'm suppose to be studying. Today is my final FINAL!!! Awwww yeah! I have a whole! week! off! before I start summer school. I'm hoping the classes I chose are pretty low key so I will be able to have some sort of summer, if not....oh well. I've had a lot of summers off, it's time to not have a summer off.

As of yesterday, I have an A in two classes. I took my medical terminology final on Tuesday, got an A on it and an A in the class...w00tz! Thursday was my math final and I was crawling out of my skin all day long! I was going over my notes, reworking equations, and freaking out. As I was taking the test my mind went blank, I didn't panic, took some deep breaths and did what I knew and the others came to me. Not as much as I would have liked, but a B+ on a math final is just fine with me. Honestly I could have gotten a D on that test and still ended up with an A, thankfully that didn't happen and I secured a 94%...not to bad, I say!

I'm going to switch topics here real quick because I'd like to know what ya'll think. There is a little boy Kyron Horman, 7 years old who went missing almost a week ago and there is a state wide search for this little guy. He's 7 years old and his school didn't notify his parents he wasn't in class, so nobody knew he was missing until almost 4PM. Obviously there are rumors flying around about his disappearance, but that isn't what I want to discuss. I've heard a lot of talk about blaming his school, his mother, his step mother, and many many others. I can't blame anyone, I don't know what happened to this little boy. What I do know, is that this whole situation is making me sick to my stomach. I can't even tell you how many times I've cried watching the news or reading FB updates. I don't want to turn this into "what if that were my kid", but I also can't help it.

Kyron is about the same age as Zilla and this could EASILY, too easily, be my kid. Not only because of Kyron's and Zilla's age, but because he went missing at school. That almost happened to us not very long ago when we found Zilla in the parking lot at his school. When I raised a stink about it, I wasn't taken seriously. I ended up dropping it because nobody was helping me and Dirty and I just made sure to tell Zilla to stay by the front of the school and be there to pick him up before it got to crowded at the school. We've had many conversations with Zilla about who he's to go home with and who he isn't, especially since he's been asking about Kyron.

The one thing I do know is that the school screwed up, not only with Zilla but also with Kyron. It IS the school's job to make sure the children that attend there are safe. I get it, they have a lot of children, believe me I get that. That doesn't take away the fact that the schools are responsible for the children while they are in attendance there. They are responsible for their safety during school hours and to make sure they have a safe way to get home. If a child walks home, the teachers should be aware of that, if a child is being picked up by a parent or someone else in a vehicle, the teachers should know this as well. The children should have a designated area to wait and if they are 6 years old, they should NOT be walking around the DAMN parking lot. Obviously this is my view on it, but no only because I found my kid almost in the parking lot, but because of Kyron. Do you KNOW how easily it would have been for someone to take my son? Nobody would have know until I couldn't find him. That thought right there makes me want to throw up. Ya'll would be seeing me and Dirty on every damn news channel begging for my child to come home. I don't want that to be me or my life, obviously. But the similarities are just TOO close for me to just ignore them. Here's where I need your help, I need you to tell me if this thought is a rational one or if I'm overacting. I want to write the principal at Zilla's school an email. I want to tell him the reason why I freaked out on them December was because bad stuff can and DOES happen to children. I want to tell him that the way his school does pick up is ridiculous, its unorganized and nobody knows where they belong. I'm almost tempted to have someone who isn't on Zilla's pick up list to get him from school, but I'm pretty sure that would just back fire in my face. I already shot myself in the foot one time, don't really need to do it again. All I want is for the principal that his school is immune from this shit because it isn't. Just because we live in a small city doesn't mean we don't have perverts living here, because sadly we do. All I know if something happens to one of my kids and the school could have done something to prevent it, ya'll are gonna see my on the national news...

So do you think I should write the email or am I over thinking this whole thing? Be honest, brutally even. OK, I'm off to study for my final. I will be back later and read through and comment on blogs! OMG I am SO behind. Miss ya'll!
*HUGS*

Let's Have a Little Chat, Shall We?

2010-05-27T00:26:00.000-07:00

WHEW has it been awhile since I've been here! And it looks SO different! Thank you Heather for revamping my blog. I love it! It's been a very busy, crazy, and wild few weeks. School is going well....could be going better but I'm not failing anything, so there's that. I'm getting 3 A's and a B; oddly enough the B is in my writing class. I am having THE worst time in this class. I am NOT a very good persuasive writer, but I've got one more essay to write and I'm feeling pretty good about it. OK enough about that, lets get to the good stuff...

Awhile back I had asked ya'll about sexual fantasies and husbands. Dirty has been picking my brain and wants to know what I'm thinking. Which normally isn't a bad thing, but some things are just for me. Ya'll agreed and so I decided not to tell him EVERYTHING, but just a few things. Since I turned 30 my libido has been THROUGH the roof! (think of a cat in heat) We've been both having all kinds of fun with this the past 4 years or so, but lately? Oh goodness! I don't know if it's that I'm out doing things like school and reliving the college years I never had and taking time for myself or what but things in the bedroom area haven't calmed down and from the way he accosts me when I pass him, it doesn't look like they will any time soon. Which, obviously, I am OK with. Since I love to analyze things, I decided to analyze why we've been acting like he just got home from boot camp. Here's what I came up with...

~My confidence is a lot higher than it was before. I'm not at home all the time doing laundry, cooking meals, worrying about who has to be where and what time. I'm actually out doing things for myself. It may be just going to the school for my math class, but for those 2 hours, all I'm thinking about are equations and the idiot in the back who keeps interrupting the professor. This time is my time. Me time does wonders for my libido, apparently.

~I'm not depressed anymore. Obviously this is a no brainier. Being depressed will do NOTHING for ones libido. Kind of hard to have sex when you're crying and sleeping all the time. Least it was for me. Coming to terms with my mom's death and what it meant for me was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life, thus far, but well worth it.

~Going out with my friends. It could be looked at that I do this too much, but I disagree. I did nothing with anyone for about 10 years after I had Nae and Zilla. I wasn't a hermit, I was just very focused on them and other stuff. The nights when I go out with my friends is just for fun and to let all the stress go from school and home. Even if going out on a Thursday with a friend and his brother (which isn't not a great idea because guys LOVE to play drinking games and I lose) and being hung over the next day is "frowned" upon by others, I don't care. This is my life and I'll get away when I can.

~Spoiling myself. I've been buying myself things that I don't "need" but did it anyway because, dammit I deserve it! Spoiling myself with a new pair of jeans or even a new bra makes me feel good, which makes Dirty feel good, if you know what I mean.

~Getting good grades. This is a confidence things because the 2 terms of getting a 4.0 is all ME, but it makes me feel proud of myself and I'm happy We all know a happy woman means a happy rest of the world.

~My hand isn't broken anymore and I don't foresee any surgeries in my future. Being without pain is always a plus.

I don't have time for everything I want to do, but I am getting better at organizing my schedule and that makes me less stressed out. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I do the best I can.
Spring term ends in 2 weeks and summer terms starts about 2 weeks after that. Hopefully financial (no) aid will hold up their end of the bargain and I'll be able to attend a few classes over the summer and then start again full time in the fall. If not, then I'll be busy painting and organizing the new house. If THAT doesn't happen, we'll figure something out. We should close June 15th, but nothing has gone according to plan, so I'm not putting any money on anything just yet. I'm hoping I'll be back to blogging and reading blogs with some regularity soon. In the mean time, my nose will be stuck in a book studying for my FINALS!

Hanging on by a Thread

2010-05-08T11:52:00.000-07:00

I'm trying, I really am and I may even be succeeding...if only on the outside. On the inside, not so much. I'm a truly living up to my name "Beautiful Mess" these past few weeks. Mother's day *sigh* I am not a fan. My first mother's day without my mom was tough, but I dealt with it. And by "dealt with it" I mean Peaches and I made many batches of margarita and we drank them all. Not a very good way to deal with something, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I didn't cry one time, thank you very much Patron, I was a happy drunk. The next year I didn't want to acknowledge the day at all. I wanted it to be any other day, but that wasn't an option. So I allowed Dirty and the children to do their thing while crying when the children weren't around. Last year was rough too, but a dear bloggy friend organized "OMG You Rock" and I was able to focus my energies on someone else and look forward to open my gift. It worked and the day wasn't so horrible. This year is the exact opposite. I hear or see a commercial for Mother's Day and I get angry. I've even gave the TV the middle finger, I'm oh SO mature.

I know it's selfish but I want to scream at the TV "not everyone wants to celebrate Mother's Day, assholes!" I can't escape the day, no matter how hard I try. And apparently I'm not pulling off the "I'm fine" front I'm trying to pass off. Dirty told me yesterday he wasn't sure what to do for Mother's Day. He knows I want to forget it and do nothing, but can't. I just want Sunday to pass as quickly as possible so I can get out of this damn funk I've been in for two weeks.

I'm not sure what's in store for Sunday. I do know that Zilla has something for me he made at school and I'm so very appreciative he was able to make something for me. He also has a flower to give me, if only it wasn't a mum, that might not make the tears flow so easily. I don't know what Dirty and Nae have planned and I'm really hoping it isn't something huge. I am just not ready to celebrate this day. All the other holidays, I can deal with. Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and all the rest, I can get through without wanting to throw something at my TV or hide in bed for hours, but not this one. Yes, I am SO grateful for my family and the fact that they want to show appreciation for me on this day, despite it not sounding that way. I am perfectly aware there are women who would like nothing more than to have a mum given to them by their child. Right now, in this moment, I can't get over the fact that I can't celebrate with my mom.

I always spoiled my mom on Mother's day. I would get her flowers, a sweet card and something nice. Something that was just for her, something that she didn't have to share with anyone else, something to celebrate her womanhood and how amazing she is. I haven't been able to do that in four years and that hurts, a lot. Thinking about our past mother's days, just makes me sad. Thinking that if I bought her a card right now, she wouldn't be able to enjoy it and I wouldn't be able to see the tears of gratitude in her eyes, that just breaks my heart.

I know I'll get through this and the other side is a nice and calm place to be, but at this moment that place seems very far off. I'll get there, it'll take some tears and some hissy fits, but I'll get there.

Project What If

2010-05-01T14:16:00.000-07:00

I debated on posting this all week. I am a HUGE supporter for all my beautiful, amazing Bloggy friends going through infertility, but I always feel like a fake when I say we struggled with infertility, too. Not that our struggles don't mean anything or "count", but what we went through was NOTHING compared to what some of you go through on a daily basis. My biggest fear when joining the ALI group on Mel's blog roll was offending someone who is struggling. That, THANKFULLY, has never happened. Not that I'm aware of at least. I know that the pain of infertility isn't a pissing contest, nor would anyone look at me and say "you don't belong", but still! The thought of offending someone or causing someone pain with my words, makes me want to cry and run away from my blog. I'm a compassionate woman, and I feel horrible for those still struggling. I know that NIAW is an important week to all of us and we (even me) should make infertility something everyone can talk about. I posted a status update on FB and got a lot of support and after reading MANY of the posts, I have decided to do my own.

WHAT IF....

What if I hadn't gotten pregnant with Nae? What would my life look like now?

What if I hadn't gotten an infection in my uterus, thus causing scarring?

What if the scarring hadn't caused my first miscarriage?

What if my mom never told me about hers? Would I know what was happening to my body?

What if I hadn't had my second miscarriage? Would that child been a girl or a boy?

What if I had both those children I miscarried? Would I have 4 alive children, or would we have stopped at two?

What if my BIL allowed us to adopt his son, before I got pregnant with Zilla? Would we have still tried to have another?

What if we had stopped at two? Would the second be just like Zilla?

What if I didn't know my body so well and didn't realize I was having another miscarriage in December 2008?

What would have happened if I was able to carry that child to term?

What if I hadn't made the decision to take charge of my body and have my tubes tied after Zilla?

What if I was able to carry a child to term without medication or fear? Would we have more?

I don't have the answer to ANY of these questions. I do my best not to dwell on the what if's of life, they tend to make me sad. Instead I try to find the joy and beauty in what I have NOW.

Right now I have a family. It isn't the one I saw myself having when I was a child, but its the one that's perfect for me now.

I vow to make a difference in the way people look at infertility. I will do my best to make people knowledgeable about the subject. I will continue to work toward my goal of being a fertility RN. I will talk about infertility in my classes and educate as many people as I can.

You can read more What If's at Mel's place in her comment section. They are all so beautifully written with such emotion. You can also go to Resolve's website and see what YOU can do to help spread the word.

Sugar Doll

2010-04-29T11:35:00.000-07:00

Well that was annoying..apparently Blogger won't let me add pictures to me blog directly from my computer anymore. Anyway....

Kristin gave me an award! WOOOHOOO thanks doll! This is perfect because I have eleventy billion things bouncing around in my head but none of them are related. Here is The Low Down of what I am suppose to do.... I have to say 10 things about myself and then I need to give this award to 10 fellow bloggers

1) I have a secret that I've only told a few people but I'm going to spill my guts here. It isn't THAT much of a secret, but it's huge to me. I want to be a nurse (that's not it) but I don't want to be just any nurse, I want to be a fertility nurse! I believe I have the ability to do it, I'm just unsure of the logistics of it. The closest clinic to me is about an hour away. The biggest hospital for training is almost 2 hours away. I might end up going to nursing school there, anyhow so it might be a doable goal. Only time will tell, but there it is. It's finally out in the open. I'm both terrified and excited!

2) When Dirty has his anxiety attacks, I have to confess I have thoughts in my head that aren't very nice or supportive. I never say them out loud and I know I am entitled to my thoughts, but I still feel bad for having them.

3) When someone else cleans my kitchen, it takes everything I have to thank them. They live here too, why do I need to thank them for cleaning up after themselves?

4) I am a HORRIBLE house keeper! I'm not even exaggerating when I say this, my house is usually a disaster of unfolded laundry and school books laying around. You don't even want to know the state of my kitchen floors and bathroom, it's embarrassing.

5) My children and 13 and 6 and I STILL check to see if they're breathing ever night.

6) I go out with my friends usually once a week and despite being told many times I should stay at home with my family because apparently I'm not allowed to have a life outside my home, I enjoy it and always have a good time.

7) When I do go out with my friends, I am usually with more men than women and sometimes I get a ride from a man(!) Walking into wherever we end up with another man this isn't my husband causes a lot of whispers and I get way TOO much enjoyment out of it.

8) I am LOVING my Human Sexuality class. I've read more chapters in that book than I need to, but it's SO interesting!

9) I've never mowed a lawn in my life! I always told Dirty that I'd mow the lawn if we got a house, looks like I might have to mow a lawn this summer. Which I won't mind because that means WE'LL HAVE A HOUSE!!!

10) I have decided that pay a little bit more for clothing is worth it. I've gotten 2 shirts and a dress at WalMart and all of the have a hole in the seem. ANNOYING!

Alright, now who to pass it on to....

JellieBraden. I met this BEAUTIFUL woman on twitter and her blog is AMAZING, as are her tweets! Go check her out.
WannaBeMom. Another BEAUTIFUL woman I met on twitter. She just started a blog, go check it out! She is a wonderful, supportive friend!
Sass. She is in the dreaded two week wait right now. She could use a lot of distraction, and as always some love.
Kristal. Her oldest just had her 15th birthday, go over and wish her a happy birthday!
Heather. She is having a hell of a week! She told me yesterday that she was so bored, she was thinking about eating her own face. I reminded her how much of a mess that would be, thankfully she changed her mind.
Raelene. Not only is she AWESOME and totally deserves this award, but she lives in an amazing town that rallied for their neighbors. the story is both heartbreaking and heart warming.
Jamie. She needs to be flooded with love right now. Plus she gave me her phone number! I can now stalk her..YAY!!!
Ellen. Obviously she's awesome, but her last post was a cliff hanger! Soooo not cool. hopefully this will get her blogging again ;o)
Gabby! She won't have time to write anything because she just had her babies! Go over and give her a hug!
Katiepie. She is awesome, amazing, AND beautiful. she's going through some MAJOR stuff right now and could use something to make her smile.

Thanks again, Kristin, I really appreciate it!

**not sure why my spell check decided to KEEP the words highlighted, but it did.**
*And now Heather fixed it*

Negativity Breeds Negativity

2010-04-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

I don't hold the key to happiness nor do I know what it is. What works for some, might not work for me and vise verse. What I do know is that if someone walks around with a cloud of doom hanging over their head and blaming everyone else for their depressing life, they can't be happy. Yes, we all have life issues we deal with, but generally we do our best to slap a smile on our face and get through the tough times. There are certain circumstances that make us fall into a hole of nothing but blackness, but speaking from experience, it's noway to live life. When I was depressed last year, it took me awhile to get out of it. Once I opened up my heart and mind to my family and friends, I was able to come out of it pretty quickly. That's not to say it was easy or a walk in the park, it was hard and it royally sucked! Even while I was in the midst of my depression, never had it occurred to me I could blame someone else for my problems. Wasn't even aware that was an option!

I don't say this to brag about my awesomeness or to say "if you just do as I do, you'll be oh so happy!" I say it because I know someone who I swear loves to live her life in a constant state of pity. She'll say things like "I have no friends. People only call me when they need something. never to just hang out". She'll blame others for things or put herself into situations that she KNOWS will make her life miserable. She never says no to anyone, despite not wanting to do the favor. She really is a piece of work. I can't figure out if she has this view on life because of her age or just who she is. I try to reason her attitude with all sorts of things while I try to help her out. The problem with trying to help her out is that it drains me. Not to mention she doesn't want my help, she just wants to whine and complain. I swear it's what feeds her. She makes horrible choices but will not take responsibility for them.

I've tried many times to talk her though bad relationships and reason with her about things, but nope it doesn't work. Now I just let her do her thing and move on. Yesterday she was upset because she had no friends and nobody would answer her calls or text messages. When she told me that her cousin's wife told her "we're going to spend some time together, it's been a really long time since we've gotten to spend any amount of time together", she got pissed off! She said she is starting to dislike her cousin's wife for this reason. I tried to tell her that they're newly married and it's hard being married to someone in the military, give them some time. Didn't work. When she was complaining about not having friends, I suggested she find different friends. Friends that aren't ALL about going to the bar and getting shit faced, nope, didn't work either. She actually told me "would you just let me whine and feel sorry for me?!" ".....*blink blink* ummm k?" So I did just that, didn't make her feel any better but it wasn't my problem anymore since she made it very clear to me that she isn't wanting to fix her problems, she just wants to whine about them.

This combined with the revelation I had about leading by example lead me to the conclusion that some people just like to wallow in their gunk. I will not feel guilty for staying positive and not allowing negativity to taint my life. I've done my time in the depression hole and I like things out of the hole MUCH better. I can NOT and will not go down that road again. Selfish? Perhaps some will view it as such, but my choice all the same.

This does not mean I won't give advice or help a sister out when she needs it, because I totally will. I'm patient and I love deeply and will do everything in my power to make one feel better, but there comes a time when I hear myself saying the same things over and over again to the same person. When this happens, it means it's time for me to move on. Not cut that person out of my life, but direct my energies elsewhere.

Leading by Example

2010-04-25T23:50:00.000-07:00

Things are changing rapidly around here. Not only because there is a big move in our future, but also because that's what life does, it changes.

Nae will be 13 Monday (tomorrow) and we are all very excited about this. Her more than us, but lots of excitement nonetheless. We already got her an early birthday present, but tomorrow will be a "Nae day". We will be having breakfast for dinner, as per her request and I'm going to attempt to make a rainbow cake. Hopefully the cake looks and tastes fantastic. If not, I know it'll at least taste fine. Lots of fun self gratifying for a 13 year old, for sure.

As she gets older, I'm finding that me telling her what to do, how to act, etc isn't enough, I must show her by my actions as well. This was proved by our conversation about her eating habits the other day. I've told her many times about my history with poor eating habits and how it isn't safe, but clearly that wasn't enough. I'm not TOO worried about her eating as I've seen her eat many times since our conversation, but I am still concerned with her way of thinking. I decided that I am going to make some changes in the hopes that she will see and follow suit or at the very least change the way she is or was thinking. I don't want her to ever think she is less than beautiful. Obviously there will be days when she won't feel beautiful, but I want to give her a good solid foundation. I also want her to know how important it is to get an education. She is a great student and has never gotten anything lower than a B and has always made the honor roll, but I still want her to realize it is very important.

Me going to school and getting great grades is a huge factor in showing her how important school is. Yes, I went back to school late, but I am going and she sees that. She also sees me doing my homework, as well as Dirty and I switching rolls in our home. She knows a woman can stay at home if she chooses to and she knows that a man can do the same. Zilla sees this too, but ummm he isn't quite getting it just yet.

I also want to her to know that the way she carries herself and the way she speaks is important. I have always loved words. I love to listen to my dad and his side of the family speak Dutch and Indonesian because it's just so beautiful to me. I also love that my dad made a point to teach my sister and myself how to speak properly even though English wasn't his first, or even third language. Speaking properly and with respect was always a must when we were growing up. I always felt that my vocabulary wasn't all that vast nor great. I feel that me saying certain words, no matter how much I love them, sound so phony coming out of my mouth. That is no longer the case. I have found myself using words I normally wouldn't use and the kids are picking up on this. Today I used "proper" and "improper" and both the kids used them correctly a few times! I was so proud of them and myself. Obviously those aren't big words, but they aren't words I've heard 13 or 6 year old use. Proof that showing by example is working better than just talking to her, or them. I always knew that I needed to lead by example, but now it is VERY important.

I need to show Nae that I am happy with my body, but if there are improvements to be made, I will do them in a healthy way. Since I hurt my hand in January, I have gained probably about 10 pounds and I am unhappy with my body. I don't mind the weight so much, I do mind the lack of tone I have. I know it's from months of sitting on the couch and not being able to do much. Added in the fact that it rains here like non stop and school, I just didn't have time. Now that i see how my behavior has effect Nae, I have decided to do something about it. I have deiced I am going to track my caloric intake, but in a healthy way. I am not limiting myself to low calorie foods only, but I will be accountable for what I put in my body. I have control of what foods I put into my body and what foods are better for me than others. I am also becoming more active. last weekend Nae and I went on a walk to get our hair done and today the kids and I went on a LONG walk to get some ice cream. We walked probably about 4 miles total, and we had a blast. Neither of them whined about the distance, either!

I'm hopeful that these changes I'm making will impact her life, as well as mine in a positive way. I hope that I'm not sending her the wrong message, but showing her how to take your health into your own hands. I also intend to make them and her, more accountable for things around the house. No more leaving backpacks and shoe lying around the house for me to pick up. It is time for them to be responsible for their belongings and their surroundings. I know these changes won't be easy, but when is change EVER easy?

Touchy Discussions

2010-04-24T13:28:00.000-07:00

The other day, in class, Peaches told me that her daughter told her that Nae had said something about not eating because she didn't want to get fat. I usually tend to take what Peaches' daughter says with a grain of salt because she tends to exaggerate the truth or lie completely. Which is one of the reason her and Nae don't spend much time together. it's sad and I would love for them to be great friends, but Captain (Peaches' daughter) is a very angry girl and is very jealous of Nae. Anyway.....I figured even if Captain was stretching the truth, it was a topic that needed to be discussed.

I got home from class and asked Nae if she had eaten that day and what. I tried to keep it casual, but failed miserably. I usually ask her what she had for lunch and if she ate something that wasn't crap before track, so it wasn't unusual for me to ask her if she had eaten that day. What was unusual was for me to sort of drill her about her eating habits. I let my fear take over instead of keeping a cool head. Poor Nae and Dirty were so confused as to why I was asking these questions. It was too late to backtrack and play it off like I was just concerned, so I had to spill the beans and tell them what I had heard. I hadn't meant to throw Captain under the bus, all I was trying to do was figure out what the heck was going on with Nae.

Once Nae knew I had good information she started crying and said it was true. I was DUMBFOUNDED! I've always been honest and upfront with her about my battle with Anorexia in high school. I thought for sure if I told her all about it, she would learn from my mistake and not repeat it. Apparently I was wrong. In the end, we found out she isn't not eating, but limiting her food intake so as not to become fat. It broke my heart to think that there had been days when she wasn't eating much because she thought she was fat. We told her it wasn't a concern for her to have, but if she felt it was a problem, there are better ways than not eating.

She's a very active child and is in fine health. I think we got through to her by explaining how her body is different from Captain's and if we felt there was a need for a change, WE would make it. She is NOT to limit her food intake because she doesn't want to gain weight. She can limit the funk food she puts into her body, make better food choices, but not eating at all is unacceptable. We were kinder about it, but that was the gist of our conversation with her.

Part of me thinks that Captain might have exaggerated the situation a touch, but clearly there was an issue there. One that I wasn't aware of and that disturbs me. As she gets older, I'm realizing that I don't know as much as I did before. She has friends I don't know and does things I am not aware of. Not bad things, she is a good kid, but her "play dates" don't consist of playing at the park with me and apple juice and graham crackers, anymore. Now she goes to the movies with her friends or goes downtown ("downtown" is a relative term here, this is a VERY small town) and gets some pizza after school. All of which I am OK with, but it's hard to know when to tighten the reigns or loosen them a bit.

Monday she'll be 13 (God help me) and I know things will get more difficult as she gets older, but I hope I'm level headed enough to deal with the teenage years. At least I am able to listen to stories about children her age and learn from what their parents did or didn't do. I'm not TOO concerned about her doing terrible things, but ya never know. I'll be aware, even more now, and hope I do it right.

The Queen of Random Strikes Again

2010-04-20T11:49:00.000-07:00

First of all I need to address something that I've never really touched on before. I did a few times (?) in passing, but I don't think I've ever stated a disclaimer. Sadly, I believe it is time for one. So...here goes...it has been brought to my attention that some of the people I see on a regular basis are reading my blog and Tweets. While it's a free country and the Internet is for everyone, even those that should stay FAR away from the World Wide Web, this space here is MINE. If you know me in real life and I did not give you the URL to my blog, you may not question me on what you read here. I use this space for support from my Bloggy Gals and to give support. I also use this place to get things out of my head so I don't take anything I say personally. I won't bash you, but I might mention you as it pertains to me and my life. If you don't like what you read, you may click that cute little red 'X' over there in the corner.
Alright, now that I got that out of the way, time for some randomness *throws confetti*
Here's a question for ya'll...Dirty and I got new phones WITH Internet capabilities *WEEEE* and while I use mine for cool stuff like, getting cool new themes and checking FaceBook (ya know, important stuff) Dirty uses his for...other things. It doesn't bother me that he looks at "stuff"; (I'm not trying to be cute or coy by using code, I'd just rather my blog not come up when teenage boys search for something to look at when they're cleaning their weapons) I actually find that it improves our intimate time. What kind has got me is that he wants me to share my fantasies with him, like every one of them. Ummm no thank you, those are mine! Since he is in overdrive, he wants both of to be in overdrive and wants to know what is going on in my head. I am thankful that after almost 17 years we still finds me attractive and wants to share things with me, but sometimes, the things that go on in my head, are just for me. I did end up telling him a few things and it did work out to my benefit ;o) but somethings I'd rather keep to myself. Am I being selfish or do a lot of women have certain fantasies they like to keep to themselves? I did ask one friend and she agreed with me, but that's the only one I've asked. So I'm asking YOU, should I divulge everything or keep somethings to myself?

NEXT! I did something on Saturday I thought I would NEVER do! I bought a pair of "high end" jeans *hangs head in shame* I blame Kristin for this. Why? Because she posted a link for THIS company and I have been stalking and drooling over those jeans ever since. I do know a few girls who swear by these jeans but I refuse to pay over $100 for a pair of jeans. I'm cheap, can't help it. I really have no need for these jeans, other then I need something to cover my bottom half when I'm out in public. The jeans I got at another store work just fine for this purpose, but when I walked into the boutique down the street from my house, I fell in love. The saleswoman was so kind to me and never pressured me once. I don't know what came over me but I walked out of that store with a pair of jeans that are very flattering, but also cost more than I have ever spent on a pair of jeans.

When I came home, I sent both Heather and Ellen a text telling them about my bout of insanity. Not to brag, mind you, but to get yelled at so I'd take them back. They did not do that. Ellen wanted pictures, so I obliged and she convinced me to take the tags off and keep em! That is exactly what I did! I took the tags off, threw em in the garbage so I can't return them and OWNED the fact that I just bought these jeans. So I am a proud owner of a fancy new pair of jeans. All I have to say is that they DAMN well better last a long time, or I will be PISSED! I will not feel guilty or ashamed of my purchase any longer. I may not have "deserved" these jeans, but I am in a place where I am able to buy them and splurge, so why not? It's been years since I've splurged on myself and the past few months I've done some splurging and it feels really great! I forgot how much I enjoy doing things just for myself. Going to school is not only for me, but for my family as well. My laptop was for school. My jeans and itouch are for me and that is OK!

NEXT! We had conferences for Zilla last week and he is doing well. Not "great" but he's keeping up. He still needs some extra help on math and his handwriting, but I'm proud of him for leveling up as much as he has in his reading. He's reading level 13 books now and we're hoping to get him at 20 by the end of the year. If not, he'll be damn close! His teacher did suggest summer school for him. Not because he is behind, but because he is "at level" and could use an extra push. My heart sank when she suggested that, but after talking to Dirty I don't feel that way anymore. When she told me about this, I had already planned that he was going to go because she said he needed to go. I felt I didn't have a choice, mommy guilt and all. Once I talked to Dirty, I reclaimed my power as Zilla's mother. I don't think that summer school is right for him. Yes it might give him an advantage, but at what cost? He'll miss part of his summer vacation and I don't have the heart to do that to him. He isn't like Nae who LOVES school, he would be miserable every second of every day. Summer time is suppose to be "fun time", not "boring time". Plus if we get that house, he won't be there to help us with painting and such. It may seem like a silly reason, but we really want to do things as a family with this house. I don't want him missing out on any of it. As Zilla's mom, I am saying "no thank you" to summer school and I know this is the right choice.

NEXT! The house *sigh* Our Realtor is an idiot and how she's been selling house for 15 years, is beyond me! She knew nothing about the credit we get if the contract is signed before April 30th and she showed us a house that wouldn't work for us at all! When we told her it wouldn't work, she kept trying to sell it to us! My dad, Dirty and myself were all standing outside talking while she was inside telling my aunt and uncle all the "great" things about the house. We totally checked out within five minutes of seeing the house because we knew it wouldn't work for us. The house we put an offer on, is still in the works. We're in escrow...again, but the last time we were in escrow there were complications with inspection. I'm hoping that everything has been resolved and we will sail through escrow, get the contract signed by the end of April and take possession in mid May. I'm trying to be low key about it, but I am really really for really reals SO excited about it! I'm keeping my excitement in check, but I am praying this is IT.It just seems like the perfect house for all of us. *crossing fingers*

And that is all! Thank you all SO much for the kind words about my mom's picture and my Omi's passing. Every word helped me stay above the tide that was trying to pull me down. I appreciate your help and support.

Time to Decompress

2010-04-12T12:01:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a very long weekend and I have NEVER been so thankful for Monday to come in my entire life! My dad was here all last week and lil sis was here over the weekend. Obviously I love my family dearly, but when she brings her boyfriend and her two kids, it gets to be a bit TOO much. She parents VERY differently than Dirty and I do, therefore her children are disrespectful little shits. We are more on the strict side and do not allow our children to talk to us the way she allows her children talk to her. We have had to tell the children that the rules at our house are different than the rules are their house and they must follow the rules when they are here. It seems to work, but it's still very stressful. And of course there's the aftermath of Zilla thinking it's cool to act like his cousin and turns into a heathen! Last night was a rough night for me. I had to be "mean" and tell him "if you can't talk to me nicely, I don't want to talk to you. I love you, but right now, your attitude is making me mad and hurting my feelings." I kind of felt like an asshole for saying that to him, even though it seemed to have no effect on him, but I needed to put his little attitude in check! I'm sure part of it was that I was SO drained from the funeral and all the emotions bubbling to the surface after everything had calmed down a bit, but it was still a rough evening.

Friday night we went to the rosary mass, that was interesting. We aren't affiliated with this church at all, and the whole thing felt cold. The gentlemen reading the rosary were very automatic in their readings and nobody really said my Omi's name. It was not intimate at all, like my mom's was. After the mass, my cousin and my uncle were taking pictures of the flower arrangements and the urn. I kind of felt like this was odd, but went with it because everyone wanted a picture with Oma. My uncle wanted a picture of my cousin and myself standing on either side of the urn, which I did, but had NO idea how to pose. A smile didn't feel right and where was I suppose to look or put my hand. I get why my uncle wanted a picture and I appreciate that, I was just a bit uncomfortable with it. Plus I was doing my best not to remember the last funeral we all attended and break down. We ended up at my aunt's house, ate some home cooked Indonesian food, chatted a bit, drank a class of wine and that seemed to make me feel a bit better.

The funeral was not a good closing to my Omi's life at all. Not only did the priest get her death date wrong, he seemed to get a kick out of the fact that she chose to go home during the "holiest week of the year". I'm not even kidding when I say he was trembling with excitement over this. His voice was loud and I swear if it wasn't for the family members bawling our eyes out, he would have danced a jig. After that mistake, he called the wrong aunt's name for a reading. A reading she didn't even know she was SUPPOSE to read! Thankfully the mass was ended with beautiful words and memories from my aunts, my dad, a cousin, and some friends. Those words being said made the rest of the mass better.
After mass we went to the church hall and had some food and watched a video one of the cousins had made. He did such a beautiful job getting pictures and putting the whole thing together.

I did have a minor freak out when I found out we were going over to another cousin's house for a family dinner because uncle douche bag was going to be there and I had Nae with me. I talked to lil sis and my dad about it and they did little to appease my fears. What ended up calming me down was Nae. I told her we were going to cousin's house and if she didn't feel comfortable going, we would go home. She told me she was having a good time talking to the cousins she never gets to see and didn't need to go home. The kid looked me in the eyes and said "mom, I'm good, I promise! I'll let you know if I want to go home." After that conversation, I stepped out of my perceptive of things and looked at it from her point of view. She's right, she was having a good time and even though the fears I have are real, it doesn't mean I need to freak out and run away. The need to protect her was just so overwhelming, I wanted to run. I'm glad I made the choice to stay because she'll remember that day as being able to spend time with the family she never gets to spend time with. That's not to say uncle douche bag was EVER out of my sight because he wasn't. Plus he KNOWS better than to talk to me or my children. He's disgusting but at least he knows how I feel about him. I know I made the right decision and I'm so glad I allowed Nae to be involved in it.

Before we went to my cousin's for dinner, we stopped at my aunt's house and she gave us pictures of my mom and us that we had given to Oma. My dad has most of them because he's going to scan them in the computer, but I did snag a few that I didn't want to let go. There's one of my mom nursing me days after I was born and my older sister is sitting next to her. It is the most beautiful picture of my mom I've ever seen! I am so grateful to have that picture here. I put it in a frame and have looked at it so many times. It's just so precious.
It's a picture of the picture, but it's still such a lovely picture.

So all in all it was a draining weekend, but it was nice to be able to spend time with my family.

Advice Please!

2010-04-07T22:36:00.000-07:00

I need a little help, advice, or anything ANYONE has to offer. I'm at my wits end here!

Does anyone know anything about anxiety? Dirty has it and it seems to be getting worse. When he went to our local psychiatrist here in town for his evaluation from his dumbass move, the doctor said he doesn't have an anger problem. Which, we kind of figured, but it was good to get documentation of it. The doc did say that he has anxiety and therapy would be beneficial to him. Which is great, but not great because he put that in his paperwork for the courts and now Dirty HAS to go to therapy. Of course since it's court ordered, insurance won't cover it, which is a moot point, because we don't have insurance anyway. The problem is that Dirty's anxiety has gotten SO much worse as of late and I'm at a loss as to handle it. So therapy will help, but in the mean time, what do I do?

Here's what happened today and how he and I handled it. We went to the phone store to pay the bill and get my line transferred over, as I'm on a different plan than him and Nae. I see a phone I like and so does Dirty, we check around at a few other stores to see if we can find them cheaper and because there were a SHIT TON of people in there. We didn't find any other phone cheaper and went back to the store to buy those phones and get them switched over. So far, so good. It was a bit annoying to run to one end of town and back but not TOO much of a big deal. The guy starts on my phone and apparently isn't aware that we want both phones and starts on Dirty's as he's finishing up on mine, this is where the issues arise. It takes the phone guy FOREVER to get Dirty's phone to do whatever the hell it needs to do to work properly. I tell him I have class at 1:00 and need to leave the store by 12:45. Phone guy suggests I leave Dirty's old cell phone with him so we can work on transferring everything and we'll come back when I get out of class. I think this is a wonderful idea, Dirty on the other hand, not so much *sigh* He does not want phone guy to keep his phone and does not want to take my phone while I'm in class. At this point, Dirty is SUPER pissed off and frustrated and I'm at a loss as to what the hell to do. I go back into the store, get Dirty's phone and tell phone guy, we'll be back around 4 when I get out of class. We go back to the store, wait for an hour and STILL no luck with the phone.

By this time, my dad is bored, Zilla is antsy and Dirty's anxiety is through the roof! Dirty freaks fuck and wants to leave. Just leave! In order to not have a fight in the middle of the parking lot, in front of my dad and Zilla, I just do whatever he wants. I tell the guy we'll be back tomorrow or something and leave. Dirty drops all of us off at Nae's track meet, which we were late for, and goes home. I'm pissed, Dirty is pissed, my dad is confused, and Zilla is oblivious (thank God). We missed all of Nae's events because of this whole phone fiasco and because Dirty wouldn't just listen to me or any type of reason. He was beyond reasoning with at this point, anyway.

After the track meet, we all come home and Dirty is still reeling from everything that went on and I'm pissed off and hurt. I pretty much ignore him and go along with cooking dinner and such, while Dirty takes a nap. He ends up apologizing for his actions and says I did the right thing by just letting him be and cool down. The problem with this solution is that I hate doing it. I hate "pleasing" him until he's done with his freak out. It makes me feel like I'm being submissive to him, which I am SO not. I do, do certain things that would lead others to think the opposite, but I assure you that is not the case.

I was taught to stand up for myself and my rights and appeasing Dirty in this manner makes me feel like I'm not being true to myself. On the other hand if I tell him EXACTLY how I feel at that moment, I'll either say something I don't mean or we'll end up in a huge argument. I need to find some sort of middle ground, not sure if I found it or not; because Dirty just thanked me for letting him be so he can cool off. I guess I did the right thing and I feel fine about it now, but in the moment, I don't feel that way at all.

My questions or plea for advice is; there anything I can do when Dirty has these anxiety attacks or issues? Not sure if it's considered an "attack" per se, but it IS an issue. I think his anxiety being so high this week is the fact that his appointment is Thursday. He might be feeling anxiety BECAUSE of the appointment, but frankly, I have no idea. I know NOTHING about anxiety and have no idea what the hell to do or not to do. Does anyone have anxiety issues as well, or know anyone that does? What is the best course of action for me to take? I want to be supportive and not frustrated, but right now all I'm feeling is frustration and a little resentment. It's not right, I know, but it's how I'm feeling right now.

Any advice is MORE than welcome! Even if you don't know anyone who has anxiety or has dealt with this before, I'll take any thoughts you have. Please! Thank you so much!

She Helped Heal My Heart

2010-04-04T21:52:00.001-07:00

And she has NO idea.

Saturday when all I wanted to do was stay in bed and sulk but was unable to do because I had A LOT of stuff to do, my heart was healed a little bit. Zilla had a birthday party to go to and because I'm over protective, I went with him. The party was for a little girl in his class and I may have gone overboard buying her princess(!) toys, but we had a great time. We went to the park, hunted for eggs, hit a pinata, got muddy, and had a great time. We ended up at the Birthday Girl's house for cake and ice cream. The kids all ran off and I was left in the front room with about 5 adults I had never met in my life. We made small talk and eventually I got a little bit more comfortable with them.

There was a 2 year old little girl there who stole my heart and healed it at the same time. She has Downs Syndrome and took a liking to me! I was so excited, it took everything I had not to scoop her up and smother her with kisses. We played with the remotes, play dough and she kept signing "more play" to me when I wasn't playing with what she wanted me to play with.

I asked her mom how she felt about strangers before I made my move because she looked a bit overwhelmed when they walked in the door. Although, I can't blame her, I was overwhelmed watching all those 6 and 7 year olds running around the house, too! Her mom said it takes time for her to warm up to strangers but assured me, I wouldn't freak her out if I said hello or played with her. That was all I needed and I sat on the floor across from the coffee table from her and showed her a toy. Eventually she made her way into my lap and I was so honored, I wanted to cry. Her mom said she never does that and both she and her husband were very surprised. I was just so happy to have this beautiful child sitting in my lap, that I didn't care that she never does this.

Addison let me play with her for about 2 hours. It was such an amazing 2 hours, I don't think I'll forget them for the rest of my life. She even let me give her a high five! For those 2 hours, I didn't think about my Omi passing away, I didn't think that my dad has to go through this another time, all I did was immerse myself in this beautiful soul.

I came home so happy and told Dirty and Roomie about it. Dirty said I was explaining it all wrong, apparently I was making it sound like someone who just got to play with a puppy. Which wasn't my intention at all, obviously, I was just filled with such peace and happiness, I had to tell them. It's taken me a few days to process these feelings, but I think I've got it.

Addison healed my heart. She might have sensed that I needed some sweet baby time or she just wanted to play, either way, I owe Addison so much. What she did for me on Saturday is exactly what I needed.

Family Reunions?

2010-04-03T11:00:00.000-07:00

This picture was taken a few years ago. We have a cousins that is a professional clown and she dressed Omi up...SO cute!

Wednesday morning around 11:30, my Omi my (grandma) passed away. She was my dad's mother and had been through SO much, it seems a shame that she's just GONE. I had heard that our family from California were in town over the weekend and they were able to spend time with her and she was having a GREAT day! They got to talk to her, got to hear her laugh, see her smile, wheel her around in her wheelchair, and spend some quality time with her. That makes me happy, VERY happy. I'm so happy that my cousins and my aunt were able to spend that time with her. I am very happy that my dad was in time and was able to spend some quality time with her, as well. It is a gift for all of them.
This was taken the Saturday before she passed away, she was having a good day.

This is a big blow to my family, obviously, but mostly because this is the
first experience my cousins and aunts have with death. When my mom died, it was my dad and lil sis that were hit the hardest. Everyone was sad because they loved my mom too, but it wasn't the same for them that it was for us. Now it's all turned around and I feel horrible for them.

We had the viewing yesterday and I'm still processing how all of my emotions and feelings about it. I was there when my mom died and when my friend in high school who killed himself, I didn't really comprehend the gravity of it. This time, it was..odd, I think. Everyone said she looked peaceful and while I agree she did, because she wasn't in pain, but also she didn't. Nor did she look like she was sleeping. Her face was really relaxed and when I touched her arm she was SO cold. A cold, I wasn't prepared for. I don't regret going to see her, I feel like it was good to say my goodbyes and tell her how much I love her. I just didn't expect her to look so...not there. I am aware I'm not making sense here because I can't find the right words, I just need to get all these words out that are swirling around in my head.

When we were going to the viewing, we were OK. There was an air of sadness in the car, but also a few laughs and jokes thrown into the mix. We didn't rehash our feelings about Omi, nor did we talk about the big elephant in the car that was her death. When we got to the funeral home, all of that changed. We met a cousin there and we all cried and didn't really know what to say. We touched her hair and they all gave her a kiss. After touching her arm, I couldn't give her a kiss. Not because I was freaked out about the coldness of her skin, but because to me it wasn't MY Omi laying on that table. It wasn't MY Omi who would pucker up her lips and smooch me over and over again until she had kissed me no less then 20 times. It wasn't MY Omi who would whisper in my ear that she loves me so much and to take care of "daddy". It wasn't the same woman who I grew up with.

After the viewing all I wanted was to go home and check out. I wanted to sit on the couch and stare at the TV or the wall and let my mind go blank. Sadly, that wasn't an option, we had a few errands to run and I didn't get home until 4 and than we had to go get Nae and get her a dress for the funeral. Which, by the way, is not easy to do at the beginning of spring. NOBODY has ANYTHING that's black. After we got home, I was SO drained I would've given anything for a glass of wine and a moment for my mind to go blank. That didn't happen until almost 9, by that time I could barley keep my eyes open. Lil sis and my dad wanted to go have a drink, but I couldn't, just could NOT do it. My emotions were all over the place and I just couldn't.

I woke up this morning and for that few seconds before I was fully awake, I was confused and thought I dreamed the past few days. Once my mind and heart were awake, I realized the past few days were real and NONE of this was a bad dream, this is our new reality. We'll make it because that's what we do, but it won't be easy.

Controversial

2010-03-31T08:47:00.000-07:00

Usually I love to be controversial, more for the shock value than anything else. When it's something important, however, I am very respectful. I believe that everybody has their own beliefs and they are MORE than entitled to live with lives by them. We can even talk about them, as long as you don't expect me to accept your beliefs as my own. Because if I disagree with them, that ain't gonna happen! I won't judge you and I expect the same from you. That being said, I need to go off about religion, faith, and how ones chooses to live their life.

I grew up Catholic, went to catholic school, church a few times a week and had a very good relationship with God. I listened to everything everyone said, read my bible, and lived my life according to what they all said. Granted I was a kid and messed up some, but on the whole I was a good child. My junior year in high school a friend of mine killed himself. He was a very confused young man (obviously) and made a bad decision. We were all dumb high school kids and the thought of one of our friends killing themselves in our itty bitty school was so off our radar, we didn't even see any of the classic signs. Of course after he died, we saw all the signs, but there is nothing we can do about that now. Anyway, growing up in the Catholic church, I was taught that if you killed yourself, you go to hell. Plain and simple. Sometime between the call that Adam was dead and his funeral, I questioned EVERYTHING! I asked my parents "why was Adam going to hell because he was a confused CHILD?!" It made no sense to me at all. It was at that point that my relationship with religion changed. I still believe in God and I still have faith, but TO ME it means something different than it did when I went to church every week.

My God doesn't sit up in Heaven pointing fingers at bad people or trailer parks so the tornado knows where to hit. I don't believe that MY God has his/her own will. It actually makes me VERY angry when people says "oh it was God's will" really? Was it? How do YOU know? But that's besides the point and a little disrespectful. I also don't believe that MY God doesn't judge me for what I do. Within reason, of course. If I had an open marriage and screwed everything that looked at me, well that's MY business and my husband's business. If I choose to love women, once again..MY choice. If I choose to get a divorce because I'm unhappy in my marriage..MY choice. If I choose to go out with my girlfriends while my husband stays home, it's just fine! If I even get drunk *GASP* while I'm out with the girls, that's OK too!

All of this is being brought to the surface because a friend of mine is going through some MAJOR life changes. The part that is REALLY pissing me off is that people who are "good Christians" (their words, not mine) are saying they will not support her decision to leave her husband because that's not how it should work. They won't even support her because it's not "the right choice". He doesn't beat her, he doesn't sit on the couch all day long and drink beer, he doesn't yell at her, he treats the children well, he's a great guy. He just isn't the right guy for HER. People are telling her that she needs to try harder and make it work, but what if she has? What if she's tried for 10 years to "make it work"? Why is SHE the one who has to make it work? Why is it HER responsibility to make it work? Never once have I heard anyone say "he should've have had more faith in God and Jesus". All the fingers are being pointed at her and all the blaming is being put on her shoulders. She's the "bad one" because she was unhappy and chose to leave her marriage. How are these people being "good Christians"?

From growing up in a very strict religion, I learned not to judge people. Or maybe it was my parents who taught me that. What I do know is that faith and religion are not about being better then others. Their choices might be different then the ones I may have made, but that doesn't make them wrong.

NOBODY was/is in her marriage but her and her husband. Those two are the ONLY ones who know what went on behind closed doors. So the people that are saying that she shouldn't have friends supporting her decision to leave her husband, need to really shut the hell up. If I want to get really dirty, I could say that being THAT judgmental and down right MEAN is very un-Christian and maybe they need to take a good look in the mirror. I can think all of this, but once again, they believe what they believe and I won't be able to change their minds. I do think the ones that are saying mean and hurtful things should shut the hell up. Preaching that God will hold you closer if you would just not leave your husband and be a good wife, is doing NO good at all. Nobody is saying you have to agree with her decision, but how about a little compassion? Is that too much to ask for? If you can't find anything nice to say, either don't say anything or just support her. This is a tough time for all involved, don't make it worse.

OK I think I'm done with my rant. I am not trying to offend anyone, I truly apologize if I did, but if you disagree with what I've said, feel free to let me know. I would love to have a discussion on this topic. I would love to understand the other side, I really would because right now, I don't.

Hershey's Better Basket Blog Hop

2010-03-28T13:54:00.000-07:00

Ooohhh look what Kristin gave me!!! I saw this on Jellie's blog last week and thought it was fun, but hadn't gotten around to posting about it. Now that Kristin tagged me AND emailed me, I can't NOT do it. Plus it's for a good cause. Here's the down low, ya'll...

Wanna have some fun, raise some money for a good cause, and make someone smile? Of course you do. Then join the Hershey's Better Basket Blog Hop and help raise $5000 for Children's Miracle Network.

All you have to do is follow these easy rules...

HERSHEY’S BETTER BASKET BLOG HOP RULES

Copy and paste these rules to your blog post.
Create a blog post giving a virtual Easter Basket to another blogger – you can give as many Virtual Baskets as you want.
Link back to person who gave you an Easter Basket.
Let each person you are giving a Virtual Easter Basket know you have given them a Basket.
Leave your link at BetterBasket.info/BlogHop comment section. You can also find the official rules of this #betterbasket blog hop, and more information about Better Basket with Hershey’s there.
Hershey’s is donating $10 per each blog participating to the Better Basket Blog Hop to Children’s Miracle Network (up to total of $5,000 by blog posts written by April 4th, 2010).
Please note that only one blog post by each blog url will count towards the donation.

Hmmm now who am I going to give this wonderful Easter basket too? How about...

The Binder Family at Doing Good In her Name in honor of Payton. Kristin has been working so very hard on getting donations in Payton's name. She has received SO many wonderful donations and this basket is one more to add to the pile.

I also want to give a basket to AnnaMarie in her dear Torren's name. His birthday is today, feel free to go give her a big HUGE hug!

My twitter Wifey, Sass. I know you'll want to play along PLUS it's chocolate!

I also want to give one to Jamie in honor of her little angel baby and to celebrate her little man's life!

Anyone else wants to join in the fun? Feel free!

Want Some Good News?

2010-03-26T11:48:00.000-07:00

Are ya'll ready for some GOOD news? I know I am! It seems like these past few months have been a up hill battle for me and my family. It has been a very stressful, tear inducing, fit throwing period in our lives, but the end has come!

It all started on January 4, my first day of winter term. It went great, got all my books, went to class, my tuition was paid and I had FINALLY got my financial aid money. Things were going well. Then January 7th came and as I was moving a box into the garage because we had a broker come over to crunch some numbers for us on a house, I broke my hand. I missed math class that day because I was in the ER. After that came many more weeks of doctor's appointments, an MRI and Nae sick with Mono. Oh not to mention my family was here for a late Christmas celebration, so the house was full with 5 children, one of them very sick, and 6 adults. My house is not big enough for all of those bodies. During all of this, I still had classes to attend, homework to do, and figure out what the hell was wrong with Nae and why everyone at the office was treating my like an idiot mom for calling them 5 times that week. Stressful to say the least!

At the end of January, I had surgery on my hand, once again, still attending classes and doing homework. Which, by the way, isn't easy when one is right handed but can not write with said hand, but I made it work. I missed one class after surgery, but that was it! I made sure I was only going to miss one class, unfortunately it was my math class, but there was nothing else I could do. During all of this my grandma had a stroke and was put in a nursing home. I had to make a choice not to let my grandma's condition throw me into an emotional spiral and I did. It wasn't easy, especially going to see her, but I did it. She's doing much better, still in the nursing home but is getting strong. She is ONE stubborn old lady. Love that woman!

Here we are now, at the end of all the crap and I came out better then I would have hoped! I always said I was going to try my hardest to get a 4.0 this term, but with everything going on, it is OK if I didn't. Well...I DID IT! I GOT A 4.0 THIS TERM! I barely did it, but who the hell cares, I did it! Although there is a bit of a hiccup because financial aid doesn't have FINAL grades and thinks I have an Incomplete in one of my classes, but I think I just have to call them to show them I do not have an Incomplete, but ALL A's!!!!

And then as we come full circle (this is a secret, so don't mention it to ANYONE just yet) all of this started by moving that damn box because the broker was coming over to see if we can get the house, as it turns out we CAN get the house. But even better then that, we GOT THE HOUSE! My dad signed the papers Wednesday, inspection is on Monday and we should have the keys at the end of April! OH MY GOODNESS! We'll move in May and my dad will be moving in May as well. I get to take care of my dad, the kids get their own rooms, we can get a dog, we'll have a huge backyard, but most importantly, my dad will be living with us! Of course I wish my mom were here to be a part of this, but it is OK. She is here in our excitement and she is a part of it because she is a part of all of us.

It was a rocky start to the year, but I think I did a pretty damn good job of powering through it and here I am now. A 4.0 student for the second term in a row, a homeowner, and my hand is not broken! I say that calls for some jumping up and down, some fist pumping and screaming! Party over here, who wants to come?!

I want to give a few shout outs, please forgive me if I forget you, it really is not my intention. I'll fix that, if you let me know though ;o)

Thank you to Fertility Chick who sent me a care package of CHOCOLATE and a great card before my surgery. The chocolate helped more then the Vicodine...sort of ;o)

Thank you to Ellen, who let me send her math questions and never ONCE laughed at me! You probably regret giving me your phone number, but I am SO grateful for your smartness! And for proof reading one my essays, thanks hon!

Thank you to CanadianMama who complimented me on my writing and told me it would get easier. You were right! It did get easier!

Thank you Mugsy for our chats on Google Talk and reading my whinny text messages, but never telling me to STFU. The distractions were always needed, no matter what! Plus I didn't have to follow through on my threat. I really didn't have time to do what I said, so it was a total empty threat ;o)

Ahhh Jules! What can I say that you don't already know? You let me vent in every single one of my emails, never got mad when my reply was WEEKS later and gave me information on Mono when I had no idea what the hell I was doing. Thanks, hon!

Thanks to Kristin, not only for being a huge supporter and never doubting me for a second, but for offering to help me with my math, even though she's homeschooling Marty AND has crazy Gabe at home too! WHEW, typing that makes ME tired! Kristin, you're an AMAZING woman and I don't know anyone who doesn't know you, that doesn't want to be EXACTLY like you when they grow up ;o)

Thank you, Amaprincess who also proof read one of my papers and was cheering me on. Even though SHE was going to school, too! She took the time to help me with mine. I appreciate it, I truly do!

Big thanks to Stacie who was my SITM buddy sent me AWESOME socks that I wore to my finals. And ROCKED those socks and my finals!

Thank you to Heather who was always cheering me along and sending me hilarious text messages to keep my spirits up. I am SO glad you got THAT app, its been fun learning all those interesting facts ;o)

Thank you to In Due Time for letting me use NYEBoy's brain to edit my papers. There is NO way I would have gotten an A on that last essay without his help!

Thank you to Tracy who let me use her hot tub to relax when I needed to decompress and for therapy, of course! I might be able to hold a Mason jar now ;o)

Thank you to Mel for sending me an email telling me there was NO way I couldn't get through finals and surgery! You were right, as always, failure was NO an option, thanks so much!

Thank you to Wise Guy who's emails gave me the confidence to laugh at the situation instead of crying and rocking back and forth on the floor in the fetal position. If I can't laugh at myself, there is no point in living. Thank you for being an inspiration, hon.

And finally thank you to each and every ONE of my Twitter friends! All the support was what kept me going when I wanted to throw the towel in.

I know I'm forgetting people and I am so sorry! I don't want to leave anyone out, I promise I don't.

THANK YOU for helping me get through a very tough few months. Without all of you, I would not be the woman I am.

Just For the Shock Value and Because I'm Curious

2010-03-23T13:27:00.000-07:00

I went out with a couple of friends on St. Patrick's day to celebrate that The Hardest Term Evah was OVER and to drink some green beer, of course. I'll leave out the part where SOMEONE didn't go even though SHE said she would...for the third time in ONE week. (totally gonna kick your ass for that, btw) Of course there were a bunch of youngins there getting all drunk and hitting on us "older big city girls". Those 21 year old boys are just SO damn cute when they think they're line is going to work. They are just so full of confidence, makes me smile and want to ruffle their hair ;o)

Anyway, there was this one kid who was talking about sex (cuz that's what drunk 21 year old kids do when they're trying to impress us, apparently) and I really wanted to pick his brain and ask him some off the wall questions. I LOVE asking questions, I annoy Dirty with my questions all the time, and I really wanted to know how a 21 year old guy gets a chick. My first question was "so how exactly do you pick up a chick in a bar? Do you have a line that works or do you just fly by the seat of your pants?" His answer cracked me up! He said "Sometimes I buy her a drink, but I usually compliment her on her hair or something". Smart guy! That'll definitely get you somewhere if she's willing. The he started talking about his sex techniques and we all rolled our eyes because really? Who are you trying to impress, dude? Oh yeah, us...lol He was going on how AMAZING (!) he is in bed, I thought of another question. I asked "what's your feeling on having sex with an older woman? You're only 21 but if you see a woman in her 30's would you think twice about sleeping with her?" This is when his friends came over and tossed in their two cents, they all agreed that sleeping with an older woman is MUCH better then sleeping with a woman their age. Hmmm interesting. They all said "sleeping with an older woman is better because she'll tell you what she wants. Girls our age are fun, but you don't really know if you're doing something they like or not". I'm glad that random older women are giving us a good name!

After that conversation, I was at the bar and an older man came over to talk to me. I use the term "talking" because this man was DRUNK! His first line to me was "what is a girl like you doing here?" Yes, it was a small town bar but what EXACTLY is THAT suppose to mean?! What the hell kind of woman does this guy normally talk too? I said "I'm just here hanging out with my girls and having a few drinks". Then he said "WOW! You're really pretty, you don't belong here!" Ummmm ok? Is he not use to women who use a brush or something? He totally confused me! I said "Where exactly do I belong?" As soon as that sentence came out of my mouth, I wanted to take it back! I figured he'd come back with "my bed" or something lame like that and I would've totally deserved it, too! Thankfully he was too drunk to see his opening and forgot he was talking to me when his buddy came over to take him home. WHEW! Close one.

After that encounter, I really wanted to ask more questions or screw with someone. Seriously, how much fun is it to mess with drunk people?! My next victim came over and asked to buy me a beer. Of course I accepted, wouldn't want to be rude ;o) We were drinking our beers and talking and after about the third round, he dropped his bomb! He asked "hey you want to come home with me?" "No thanks, I have a home of my own" was my reply. To his credit he didn't stop there, which just gave me more fuel for me fire, poor guy didn't know what was coming. He laughed a bit, took another sip of his beer and asked again and my reply was the same. Then he said "Why won't you come home with me? Do you have a man at home?" My response was PRICELESS! I wish I could've take a picture of the look on his face when I said "why do you have to ask questions and make me lie to you? Where having a good time here" lol he had NO idea what to say. His beer must have kicked in because he asked me AGAIN! So I said "there ya go asking questions again and making me lie to you. Why do you do that? We're having a good time talking and you buying me drinks. Why do you have to go and ruin it?" He still didn't know what to say! It took everything I had to not crack up and keep my "serious/innocent" face on. He finally gave up and walked away confused. It didn't stop him from coming over and sitting at our table, but at least he stopped asking me to come home with him. Maybe next time he thinks asking some random woman at the bar to go home with him is a good idea, he'll remember what I said. I doubt it, but I can only hope my smartassness is changing one douche bag at a time.

I need more questions for the next time we go out. Anyone have any burning questions you want me to ask some random drunk person? I'll totally do it! It's really fun, try it some time ;o)

Yep, I Still Have Issues.

2010-03-22T17:59:00.000-07:00

I am determined to organize this house during spring break! I've done a pretty good job, too. There is no school for the kids, or myself and NO doctor's appointments at all this week! So I can actually start on a project and finish it! Sadly, this excites me.

I started on my kitchen yesterday and I found the perfect home for my beloved Kitchenaid and our slicer. We don't use them very often, but they still need to be out! They're cool appliances that are meant to be on the counter, dammit! Plus I've LUSTED over a Kitchenaid for years and sometimes I like to just stand in the kitchen and look at it. Now that my hand is pretty much healed, other then needing to work that damn tendon, I can do a lot more thins around the house. Anyway, the kitchen looks pretty and I think everything has its place, which is nice.

Today was the hall closet. It really isn't a closet, it's more of someone wanted a closet so they cut out a space in the wall, tossed some shelves in there, but no doors. It's interesting, to say the least. But it works for towels and such. The only problem is that things get tossed in there or someone else besides me (yeah right) does laundry and doesn't put the towels away nicely. I'm not OCD (sadly), but I do like the towels too look orderly when they're on the shelves in there. OK getting off topic..in the closet is the box I have of some of my mom's things. Things I can't throw away, such as nail files (I know weird), the program from her funeral, and the memorial fliers we made. There's also the jammies she use to wear before she was in the hospital that she gave to Nae. Nae wore them for awhile, but the have a hole on the seem on one of the legs and I can't sew. I also have a bouquet of flowers I made from all the flowers that were sent to use for her funeral. These things I've held onto since she died four years ago and I'm OK with having them. I feel it's healthy for me to have them and I don't open the box often because I just cant. I've opened it up once a year since she died except for this year. I'm not ready to open it this year, not yet. Maybe soon?

As I was cleaning off the shelves today I had to take the box down, as well as the rest of her things. They were dusty and the flowers are falling apart. I don't like those jammies getting dusty and I don't like the flowers falling apart, either. But I don't know what to do with them. I don't have a memory box, I need one but I don't have one. I did look for one today and I had to stop. Typing in the words "memory boxes" was just a bit much. I did look at a few, but didn't find what I'm looking for. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for, but I know I'll find it when I see it. Just like the urn I bought, I knew it was prefect as soon as I saw it. Well, as perfect as a container for my mom's ashed could be. I'll keep looking, but I don't think I'll be able to do anymore searches. I'm healthy but I'm not THAT healthy...yet.

I'm also not healthy enough to have a conversation about death and wills. Dirty and his mom had a conversation about that Saturday. He wanted to know what their wishes were for their belongings and such. Which is good, he wants to honor his parents' wishes, but I can't deal with that, so I just walked away. Just like that, got up and walked into the other room. they continued to talk and probably thought I was being rude, but I don't care to talk about this subject just yet. I know I'll need to have the exact same conversation with my dad soon, but..no..just no. I can't even THINK about not having my dad around anymore, nor can I think about Dirty's parents not being around. His mom has really been there for me since my mom died and we've gotten a lot closer in the years. It's just not something I want too or can think about it right now. Maybe some day or when I have no choice, but right now I do have a choice and my choice is no thanks.

I don't look at this as not healing or healed, because I don't think I'll EVER be healed, but instead I look at it that I know myself. I know what will make me feel sad and I avoid those situations. It's who I am and what I do ;o)

Finals!

2010-03-16T11:29:00.000-07:00

I have my last final of the term at 3:00 today...EEK! Totally freaking out! I really have NO idea why I'm freaking out, either. I have an A in the class and even if I don't get an A on this final, I'll still get an A...lets just calm down a touch!

Last night in psychology Peaches was acting odd. Since our falling out (her acting like a spoiled brat and moving out without a thank you or many words spoken between us) we've been cordial to each other. We had two classes together this term and will have two classes together next term. It was awkward to be in the same room with her AND sitting together (creatures of habit) but we made it work. There was always small talk like "how's your hand doing?" (her) and "is your brother still in jail from his DUI?" (me) Last night was different. We were chatting and joking with each other just like we use to. There was even a point where she put her arms on my shoulders and gave me a hug...ODD! We made plans to go out tonight with some people from class and I'm just not sure about it. I want to go out and celebrate that this term is OVER(!) but I don't know if I'm ready to go out with HER. Dirty thinks I should go out and have a good time but just keep in mind that Peaches is Peaches and she'll never change.

I would like to be friends again, but I also know that we'll never be close like we use to be. Since the day she moved out and the distance between us has grown, I'm happier. I'm happier without all of her drama in my life. I'm more at peace without her poison in my life..BUT...dammit if I don't miss the good times.

I think I will go out and CELEBRATE and if I'm not having fun, I'll just come home. I also need to keep in mind that no matter how she acts NOW, she'll always be who she is. 12 years of friendship has shown me that she won't change.

Here's to the end of a very stressful term! Goodbye winter term! I can't say it was much fun, but I did learn some things. Hello spring term, lets have some FUN!

Round Two, But With a Different Ending

2010-03-14T14:29:00.000-07:00

Last year when I hit rock bottom, spiraling down into the depths of depression, it was because something had triggered it. Something I didn't realize until Dirty and I talked about it. I didn't want to admit he was right at first because I felt like a horrible person. My trigger was a friend's wife got jealous and he had to stop talking to me.

This guy and I aren't like BEST friends nor have we known each other since childhood, we're just friends. For some reason we just clicked when we first met. He's a funny guy, totally gets my humor, and was one of the few that was actually there when I was running from the pain of my mom's death. He's a lot like Dirty, they both know me better then I know myself. Our relationship (for lack of a better term) consisted of text messages, beer at the bar, or coffee, totally casual. Apparently his wife didn't know we were friends and when she saw a text message from "Princess" (me. A nickname I've had since Dirty and I started dating) she freaked OUT! I could be blamed for being friends with a guy who's wife didn't know, true. But it's HIS life and marriage, not mine AND not my place to pass judgment. In order to save his marriage, our friendship had to end. I totally get that and told him as much. I'd do the exact same thing.

A few days later my whole world went colorless. I couldn't figure out what the hell happened. I was walking along my merry way and then all of the sudden, I couldn't see colors anymore. I was sad, missed my mom, and was a permanent fixture on the couch. Once Dirty said this all started because Hanks and I couldn't be friends anymore, I got defensive. There was NO way I'm THIS sad because a friend of mine who isn't THAT important in my life said we can't hang anymore! "What kind of person does that make me?" I seriously questioned EVERYTHING! I questioned my marriage, my feelings for Dirty, my feelings for Hanks, my mom's death, myself, everything! I wondered if I had some serious feelings for Hanks that I didn't know about. It wasn't easy but I told all of this to Dirty. I felt if something was going on with me, he had to know. This is our future! He took it well, probably because I was so pathetic and crying and knew exactly what was going on. He let me spill my guts and then told me, that and Hanks "breaking up" was just a trigger. "You two are friends, you guys text and hang out, it's a loss, even if it's a small one. But this is triggering the feelings of your mom's death." Well hell! I didn't even think about it that way and why would I? My mind was just blank and I felt so dead inside.

After months of being depressed and going through all my crap, I came out on the other side. I fought my way out of that black hole and fought HARD! I won the battle, maybe not the war, but I OWNED that battle!

During the summer Hanks and I reconnected. Once again, I didn't question anything and just went about my life. We'd occasionally text and such but never saw each other. When my dad and sister were here and went out, they bumped into him. Hanks recognized them because my sister looks a lot like me, said hi and passed along hellos to me. It was like old times after that encounter. His texts cracked me up after my surgery, or it was the medication, but both Dirty and I were laughing at them. He answered a few questions I had about school and such. Once again, totally casual. Then we went out the other night with a few friends. It wasn't a planned get together, but we ended up talking all night and drinking beer with our friends. It was fun and I thought maybe we'd be able to be friends again, but no.

Apparently he got home later then he was suppose too and his wife checked his phone and saw my number in there and got pissed. Rightly so, I might add. I'd get pissed too if I saw some random bitch's phone number in Dirty's phone. I don't understand her dislike for me, but whatever. It's not my marriage and some people may feel threatened by their spouse having friends of the opposite sex. It was his choice not to tell her that we're friends and he needs to deal with all that. It just sucks that he and I can't be friends and that he just can't say "Beautiful Mess and I are just friends!" But once again, not my life. My marriage is different then a lot of others and what works for Dirty and I may not work for someone else. That's cool, I get it.

So this time, this "break up" scared me a little. I know last time was a trigger for all the emotions I was running from, but I'm still a little gun shy. I talked to Dirty about it and he really calmed my fears. While I don't feel the same way I did last time, I'm still a little bummed out about it. I really REALLY do not want to fall back into the hole I fell into last year, that fear is what's causing my over analyzing of the situation. When Dirty and I talked he convinced me I'm a lot healthier then I was last year and assured me that won't happen. He's right, I AM stronger then I was last year. I dealt with a lot of emotions and feelings last year that had NOTHING to do with Hanks.

Now that I know where I stand and I know that I don't have some crazy weird feelings for another man, I feel OK with Hanks and I not being friends. I'm sure I can be blamed for a lot of this, after all I was friends with a married man who's wife didn't know about me. I'm sure some wouldn't agree with my choices, but in my defense, it really is/was innocent. At least on my end. I can't speak for Hanks, but from what I can tell, it's innocent on his end too.

What Was I Gonna Say Again?

2010-03-12T23:11:00.000-08:00

Do you hear that? That would be my brain exploding! The damn thing is SO full of stuff. Stuff like quadratic equations and formulas from math class. The formulas that our professor might or might not let us bring to class. Hey thanks, Roger! Wouldn't want you to make things easier for us or anything. Good thing is that I brought my grade up from a 90% to a 95% in that class! WHEW! You would think that knowing that little bit of info would allow me to calm down about my final, but no. It doesn't matter, I'm still FREAKING out about the final. He says I'd have to get a 10% on the test for it to impact my grade, but STILL! So, I've been studying with a tutor, poor guy, I feel bad for him. Nobody should have to dumb things down THAT much when they're smart. He's been my dirty little secret the past few weeks. I go over to his house every Friday and we study. Well I study, he does a lot of sighing and repeating things. This must be what it's like to have an affair...interesting.

Writing class is going well. I got my last essay back and it was an A! I have NO idea how it was an A, that professor must have been drunk or tired when he read it. I didn't think it was a very good essay, but I'm not going to complain! All I have left is to get my final back we took on Monday and I'll know what my final grade is there. I think it's an A, but we shall see. I got all A's on my essays so I should be able to get an A, but I'm not saying for sure until I see it for myself!

Psychology class is an A, since I've gotten 100% on every assignment. I'm not sure if its even POSSIBLE to not get an A in that class, it was THAT easy. The class I'm unsure about it my women's history class. I think I brought my grade up from a B+ to an A, but I don't know yet. Its not my favorite class and strangely has been the hardest to keep up with because of my hand. If I don't get an A I won't beat myself up over it. Its been a rough term and I did the best I could and that's all I can ask for.

Speaking (typing) of my hand, it's doing really well! I've been graduated from physical therapy twice a week to once a week...w00tz!!! I apparently am really good at growing scar tissue and he's working on trying to break that up. He said it should be a lot better in a few months. I can't wait until I have FULL movement of my hand back! It'll be so exciting! Ahhh the small things that excite me ;o)

I'll be back to real life soon enough. I just have to get that math final out of the way and then I'll be FREE...for a week until spring term starts.

I am a ROCKSTAR!

2010-03-02T21:30:00.000-08:00

So besides being The Awesome Beautiful Mess that I am, I am also a rock star because....are ya ready for it?.....I made a fist last night! Don't go thinking I'm crazy "cuz DUH anyone can make a fist", because I haven't been able to make a fist since January 7 right before I moved that damn box. Before surgery that pesky little bone was stuck in my knuckle and I couldn't make a fist nor could I straighten my finger. After surgery, I had a fist full of stitches and couldn't do much with my hand. After the stitches came out, my hand was SO swollen and the tendon was stiff from not using it for almost a month, that I couldn't make a complete fist. So off to therapy I went, skipping and singing just like a good lil patient.

My physical therapist is amazing! I lurve him! He puts my hand in this thingy with warm air blowing through ground up corn husks and it feels SO good! Then he massages my hand with lotion to soften up the scar tissue. After he's teased me with the spa like treatment, he starts the stretching. This actually does feel good...at the time. Afterward? Not so much. But that is OK because all this torture and spa like treatment has worked! All the pain I've been in for the past 2 months has FINALLY come to an end. I may not have all my strength back, YET, but I will! AND I can make a fist now! I can't straighten it all the way back, but it's close! My scar tissue is still pretty thick but in about 3 months it'll be a lot softer.

Who the hell would have thought that moving a damn box full of damn dishes would have caused all this much trouble?! I can't say it was all worth it because frankly, it hasn't been. I can't say I've learned something new about myself, because I don't think I have. I can't say I know who my real friend are because I learned that a LONG time ago. See? Being old DOES have perks ;o) What I can say now is "yes I have had stitches AND surgery" because I have. And you know what? I ROCKED physical therapy's ass! Told ya I'm a rock star!

Sock It To Me Take 2

2010-02-28T01:46:00.000-08:00

SOCKS!!! I love them! I love the ankle socks, knee high socks, thigh high socks, funky socks, "proper" socks, ANY kind of socks! I have a basket full of socks! So, OF course I signed me up for SITM round 2! What's better then getting socks? Buying the PERFECT pair for your buddy! I hope my sock buddy liked her socks. I know I LOVE mine!

It's no secret that things have been a little bit rough for me since that lovely day in January (the 7th, to be exact) when I decided to move a box of dishes by myself and broke my damn knuckle. I've been through doctors poking and prodding at my hand, asking me "how EXACTLY did you do this, again?!", a few needles full of the yummy numb juice, and of course surgery to fix the damn thing. Through all of the whinnying and bitching, ALL of you have been there. Not one person told me to stop complaining, but instead loved me through the whole thing.

The day I got my stitches out, I was nervous because I didn't know what to expect. I had gotten a package in the mail from Stacie that morning and my SOCKS WERE IN IT!!! I immediately tore open the package and squealed with delight to see not one but TWO pairs of socks! I took off my shoes and socks and put on a pair of my SITM socks and felt a calm. Stacie was going with me to my appointment :D I made it through the removal of my stitches without incident and I thought of Stacie and everything she's been through. I conjured her strength through my socks. I thought of all the support I've received from this AMAZING community. Ya'll have been there to celebrate the good times and allow me to use your shoulders when I need them. These socks are concrete proof of all of that proof.

Thank you Stacie, you picked out great socks! If wearing my SITM socks can help me not pass out during stitches removal 2010, then your socks can help you go through anything you're going through!

Go on over to Kym's blog, our lovely hostess, and read the other SITM posts. You will NOT be disappointed!

Standing up for Her Rights!

2010-02-24T11:25:00.000-08:00

**My SITM post will be tomorrow. I wore my socks already and have to wash them before I take a picture of them ;o)**

We took Nae to a new doctor last week and she got a clean bill of health! YAY! We switched doctors for a few different reasons, but mainly because the staff did not do their jobs properly. When we took her in on a Monday for her sore throat, her doctor did a strep test and it came back negative, but he put her on antibiotics anyway. I didn't argue with them because she was SO sick that I felt antibiotics were the right way to go. Plus we were sure she had strep because her throat was so sore and swollen. I figured they did a quick test while we were at the office and would either send out her culture for a longer test and call me back. I also have no idea how all of this works as we have been really lucky and neither of the kids have been sick. After over 24 hours of her being on the antibiotics she wasn't ANY better, not even a little bit. So, I called them back asking a bunch of questions and they gave me some home remedies to try and told me to call back if she wasn't better Wednesday or Friday. We tried the home remedies and she wasn't getting any better, we felt she was getting worse. So I called back AGAIN on Wednesday and talked to the nurse. I asked about a stringer antibiotic and was told that wouldn't work. OK, well what now? She told me to make sure she can breath, DUH! I'm not THAT stupid and get some liquid Advil for the pain and a humidifier. Got both, neither of them worked. Her breathing was horrible and she was still in a lot of pain. Poor kid hadn't eaten in days and barley was able to drink any water. She looked horrible and SO skinny. Finally after calling her doctor's after hours number and not getting anyone Thursday, I called a different doctor and they had to get a hold of our doctor. Total pain in the ass. I got the run around AGAIN and was told to keep up with what we were doing and her antibiotics. Since we didn't get any answers and she was looking bad and sounding bad, we took her to the ER. She did not have strep but mono. Thankfully her airway was clear, but the antibiotics that we were told to continue to give her, were making her MORE sick! Because the medicine was killing the good and bad bacteria, the virus was going crazy and inviting all it's friends to a party in Nae's little body. Dirty and I were SO pissed when we got the results back! All of this could have been avoided if they had just listened to me instead of thinking I was just some neurotic mother who's "precious baby" was sick. I even told them our kids are NEVER this sick, so I don't know what to do.

At the ER, they gave her some pain meds and an IV of fluids. She was feeling a lot better once we left. Plus a 12 year old on pain meds is HILARIOUS! I've never laughed so hard at her before in my life. She told us she could hear colors...AHAHAHA!!! She was pretty stoned, which was a lot better then her being as miserable as she was before. When the office opened Friday morning, I told them that Nae did not have strep but had mono. The receptionist was speechless. She kept apologizing and we made an appointment to check out her spleen the next week. When we got there, everyone was VERY nice to us. We got a room right away and the nurse came in to talk to us and the doctor soon after.

He did his thing and said something about "you never know with these things". I didn't say much but asked a bunch of questions about school and sports. She was able to go back to school the next day but he wanted an ultrasound done of her spleen to make sure it wasn't enlarged. "GREAT! Finally ya'll are doing something" was my thought. I was wrong...they never called me for to schedule that or for her immunization she needed. So I found another doctor.

We took her in to the new doctor and he is AMAZING! I never felt rushed while we were in there. He was very respectful and gave her a great check up! He thought he saw a curve in her spine and had her do all kinds of bends and such to recreate it because he thought scoliosis. Thankfully, he didn't see anything and he checked out her spleen and all is well! When he asked about her period, he did it in a really respectful way. He shut the door and told her he didn't want to embarrass her but....and asked his questions.

He then asked me if I had any questions, poor guy didn't know what he was about to get himself into because I had A LOT of em! I asked about a pap for her and he gave me A LOT of information. Information I didn't know about. Did you know that they aren't giving girls pap smears until after they've had sex?! I had no idea! So no pap for Nae until she's WELL into her 20's...HA! I also asked if there was any genetic link for PID. I explained to him about me having it two times and the miscarriages and he said it isn't a genetic. I didn't think so, but wanted to make sure. I told him that her and I talk about a lot of things and she's aware of my miscarriages, but I'd like to protect her from that pain if at all possible. He commended me on being so open and honest with her and loved all my questions. He's an amazing doctor, I'm SO glad I switched!

Her other doctor just didn't know much. I don't think he's ever seen mono before or if he had it was a LONG time ago. He should have done more, but he didn't. That is why I switched doctors. I'm not giving him a second chance to misdiagnose either of my kids again.

Plus the new doctor knows my hand surgeon and said he is a great surgeon! YAY!!!!

I Want My Mommy!

2010-02-15T23:36:00.000-08:00

There, I said it! I've been in a funk lately. Obviously...the last few posts have been all dramatic and full of whinnying. I've been trying to figure out exactly why I'm in a funk and I finally realized it. I miss my mom. Plain and simple.

The "anniversary" of her death was January 15 and I wasn't able to do anything for it. We were in the ER with Nae the night before, had to get an MRI on my hand on the 15th, and my grandmother had just had a stroke and my dad and sister had to go see her. I wasn't able to go because I wasn't sure how contagious mono was and didn't think it would be wise to spread that around my grandma. Thankfully my grandma pulled through and we just celebrated her 92(!) birthday, Saturday.

I am still pretty sensitive about my hand, although it is getting better. But I know that if my mom were still alive, she would be at my house cleaning and taking care of me. She was always my go-to person when I needed some extra attention and love. We all have one of those and they usually end up doing just what you needed. Right now, I want my mommy. I want to lay my head in her lap while she strokes my head and I cry. I want her to just let me cry and not try to fix it. I just want to be the one who's taken care of, just for a little bit. Not that Dirty hasn't done a great job, because he has, it's just not the same. My friend Tracy has been amazing and I can't thank her enough. She's listened to me and hugged me and said "I know" at just the right times. But again, she isn't my mom.

I know I will get through this and it's just another step in the process of acceptance, but this want or need to have my mom right now, is overwhelming me. It's hard for me to look at the big picture when all I can think about is "if mom were here...". I just don't know who to turn too. I can't really go to my dad, plus he lives 3 hours away. I don't have a close aunt who can fill in. None of my friends' moms are like my mom was. I know I can go get a "mommy hug", but as for the crying and hair stroking, I don't know where to go. I don't think anyone can be a substitute for my mom, nor do I want one per se. I'd just like a warm comfy place to lay my head and let my tears fall. I want that comfort and protection that only my mom's lap can offer.

Once again, this whole feeling has caught me off guard and I'm left reeling from it. I don't know what to do with these feelings. I don't know where to place them. I've recognized them and cried because of them...maybe that's all I can do. Hopefully the dreams I've been having of my mom will be less taxing on me and more comforting. Guess that's the best I can do for now.

Progress...

2010-02-09T17:48:00.000-08:00

But first, lets throw a cute little hissy fit *throws a FIT*....ahhh all better!

So my stitches came out today. I did really well and didn't pass out. It didn't hurt nearly as bad as I thought it was going too! There was a point when I wanted to smack the nurse in the face, but that was before she even took out my stitches. As she was getting ready to take out my stitches and tells me where to sit, I mention that I'm going to need to lay down. Better to be safe then sorry! And it isn't me being a failure, it's me knowing myself. If I say it enough, I'll believe it. I'm sure she was just making light of the situation and all, but I didn't care for the way she went about it. I'm over sensitive about passing out, even more so about this whole finger fiasco, and I was insulted. She went on about how she thought I was strong and blah blah blah. I just ignored her and did my best not to take TOO much offense in her ribbing. She took out my stitches and went and got the doc. He said my incisions look good, but I should have most, if not all of my movement back by now. Wait...WHAT?! Did you not see how tight those "just 7" stitches were that were in my hand a few minutes ago?! Not to mention the fact that my hand has been in some kind of bandage for 13 days, but also I haven't been able to wash it, AND my skin is dry and cracked. All of these combined make my hand very stiff and tight. I have been moving it, but give me some credit here, people!

So now...I have to soak it in warm soapy water for 30 minutes a day, then make a fist and straighten my whole hand, three times a day. If my range of movement isn't back by next week, I have to do physical therapy. Really?! Physical therapy on my FINGER? Come on! What next?! Wait...forget I asked that...

I'm very grateful that my stitches are gone, even though I know I don't sound like it. I am also grateful the pain is pretty much nonexistent, and I'm able to take a shower and wash my OWN hair. All of these are great things, don't get me wrong, but I am just DONE with this whole damn thing. I don't want to do this anymore, I just want to replace my hand with the one I had before and run away. I'm SO sick of going to doctor's appointments, having a doctor tell me to do something or not give me enough information, sick of being touched..just DONE! Then all of this goes through my head and I think "aww poor little rich girl...get OVER yourself!" Seriously, I'm kind of being a whinny little bitch about this whole thing. I can't promise I'll be happy about this whole thing anytime soon, but I will do what I need to do in order to be done with this. I'll also do my best and refrain from whinnying....ish

Overwhelmed

2010-02-02T11:51:00.000-08:00

I am feeling very overwhelmed and very frustrated these past few days (which is why I'm sounding like Chicken Little). It isn't helping that I've missed two math classes and am now getting a B in class. Granted, it's only one percent away from an A and I have time to make it up, but I NEED a 4.0 again this term. Not for any other reason then to prove to myself I can do it even while going through all this crap with my hand.

I was so excited to take off my bandage today! I've been looking forward to this since I woke up in the operating room and I could move my finger again. I'll admit I cheated a little and Dirty and I took it off at midnight. Technically that's still Tuesday, but yeah I cheated. I was really nervous because I thought the gauze was stuck to my stitches. I unwrapped it so carefully and took off each layer, slowly. I've never had stitches before this, so I really had no idea what to expect. I got to the last layer, and VERY carefully took it off. It came off fairly easily and it didn't hurt! I was looking at my hand it while it looks gross, it's not as bad as I thought it was going to look. He made a "Y" incision that goes out toward the side of my hand. Hard to explain, plus I didn't get that good of a look at it because I PASSED OUT!!!!! I was not feeling queasy about seeing my hand and I'm not "afraid" of blood, or so I thought.

I did see spots, but I'm an expert at fainting since I became a pro at it when I was in high school. Usually when I would see spots, I close my eyes and breathe, then I'm fine. That didn't work this time. Dirty didn't realize I had passed out because we were sitting on the couch and my chin was resting on my chest. When he heard me making weird noises, he realized what had happened. He lifted my head and I sort of came too and FREAKED OUT! I seriously felt like someone was trying to kill me and I was fighting for my life. Once he got me laid down and I stopped swinging at him, I cried HARD! I was so confused and scared. I kept hearing his voice telling me to breathe, but all I could do was cry and ask him what happened. Finally I calmed down, stopped crying, and got my breathing under control.

Dirty thinks I had a bit of a panic attack, combined with sitting crossed legged and my heart rate increasing, my brain needed blood. I'm sure he's right, but now all I can think of is; "this is the second time I've passed out at the sight of blood, do I need to rethink being a nurse?" I don't know. I'm confused, frustrated, and feeling defeated.

Normally I can power through things and still get stuff done, but when I can't even take a shower by myself, it's getting hard to power through this. I know I'm strong, but right now I don't feel very strong. I feel like giving up. Giving up on what, though? I don't really have anything to give up on. It's not like I'm training for anything that I've just realized is too hard. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

This is all temporary and I'm sure I'll be much better once the stitches come out. It's just right now, I don't want to fight. I just want to give in to whatever that's holding me. I won't give in, though!

So, my question is...was it "normal" for me to pass out? Do I seriously need to reconsider being a nurse? This is the second time it's happened now. The first time being when Zilla cut his toe open and I had just got out of a hot bath. Now, that just seems like an excuse. I've never been the type think blood and guts are gross. Have I changed? UHG! I can't stop thinking about last night, now. I'm terrified the path I chose needs to be change.

Strength

2010-01-30T11:15:00.000-08:00

****HA! I spelled "strength" wrong. Fixed now. Damn this club hand...lol****

I haven't been feeling very strong as of late. It's really easy, for me, to feel quite weak the past month or so. Since I injured my hand, I've had to ask for help with just about everything. Dirty has to wash my hair, help me put on my robe, get dressed, pretty much everything. Because of all of this, I haven't felt very strong at all.
As I was getting caught up on all my blogs, I saw all these "strength" pictures. Lindsay was hosting a Friday photo challenge. The first assignment was to take a picture of strength. I wanted to join in the fun, but I couldn't see anything that could be viewed as strong. I thought about taking a picture of my club hand, but that's not strong. I could take a picture of myself, but like I said, I haven't been acting very strong. Take a picture of Dirty? Yeah, but then he would've wanted to know what I was doing and going through the whole explanation would've been met with a blank stare. Then I woke up this morning and saw my new laptop..........
That means strength to me! It means I can work on my essays for school, ALONE! I can go into my room, be alone and work on my online class. This laptop, that I picked out all by myself and paid for with the money I'm earning for school, IS my strength. I may not feel very strong right now, but having this laptop means I can still do a few things of my own AND by myself.

This may not have been what Lindsay had in mind when she thought about this, but I don't think she'll mind ;o)

on the road to recovery

2010-01-29T01:31:00.000-08:00

my typing will be WAY worse then it was before, sorry about that. before i was able to use my right hand to hit a key here and there, but that is not the case for awhile.

like i said, surgery went well. it took him an hour longer then he had thought. apparently, correct me if im wrong, (i was pretty doped up when dr talked to me) the cartilage grew a bit of bone. that's what got stuck, but he removed it. no more stuck finger EVER! he did give me a few more stitches then he had planned and had to go deeper, as well. he did not have to cut on the top of my hand like he was afraid of. i have 7 stitches on my palm, plus a few internally. the stitches aren't coming out until the 9th and i can't change the dressing for a week. so, im guessing recovery is going to be awhile. hopefully the pain will subside and i'll be able to do SOMETHING.

im being a very good patient and staying on the couch. which is a lot easier since my laptop came today *YAY* im asking for things i need and taking my pain meds when i need them. i was given VERY strict orders to not "act tough". the only problem is, the vicodin makes me VERY tired and dizzy. tomorrow we're gonna try more food before i take them and see what happens.

thanks again for thinking good thoughts and sending them my way. i appreciate them so much!

Surgery

2010-01-27T11:41:00.001-08:00

Surgery went well. Dr cut me more then he thought he was going to so I have quite a few stitches. BUT I can BOTH make a fist AND straighten my finger! YAY!

Annnnd We're Off!

2010-01-21T20:39:00.000-08:00

Thank you SO much for the well wishes and good vibes! Not only did I find much comfort in them, THEY WORKED! Not for me, but that is alright. Nae is better! We took her to the doctor Wednesday and she was released to go back to school. YAY!!! Apparently when your doctor doesn't catch something he should've you get rock star treatment and MANY apologies later. The whole office apologized to Nae and myself many times and we weren't in the office for hours. Which was nice, obviously but I still wish her doctor would have done a blood sample to check for mono when her strep test came back negative. I'm just glad that I pestered them enough times before we took her to the ER that they now know I wasn't just some over protective neurotic mother. She still needs to have an ultrasound of her spleen to make sure it's not enlarged, but that's just a precaution. That doctor won't be taking any more chances, at least with us! So good news there! I'm SO relieved! She was one SICK kid!

I went to my surgeon Tuesday and he injected me with that lovely "numb juice" right! into! my! joint! *shudder* It didn't hurt after the first "stick", but WOW did it feel WEIRD! He was hoping he could loosen us the knuckle and it would "pop" back into it's correct place. It did not *sigh* So, that means surgery is scheduled for Wednesday at 9:15am. That really sucks! I really want to get this fixed because I can't continue on like I have been for the last 3 weeks. I'm really not looking forward to the pain or recovery time.

Apparently he's going to put a screw in my knuckle (that's the part that's freaking me out) for about 3 weeks, let everything heal, then go back in and take it out. That's the plan anyway, we really aren't sure because he has never seen this type of injury before. He use to work at a Shrinner's hospital for crippled children and he has NO idea what is going on in there. I kind of feel bad for the guy. he seems just as frustrated as I am. Maybe he'll write something up in The Journal of Medicine and we'll be FAMOUS! I don't need credit for being a freak of nature, but I will take my surgery free of charge ;o) It's almost like I'm the teacher and he's the student, so in reality he should be paying ME, right? Just a thought...

In the mean time, I'm going to take it easy and do my BEST to be a better patient. Dirty is getting very frustrated with me because I'm doing too much. I try, I really do, but then I think "oh it's just stirring the noodles for a LITTLE while, not like I'm making something that needs to be stirred CONSTANTLY." So I do it, then Dirty sighs and tells me go to sit and I get very defensive. It's been less then fun here in the Mess household. But I promise to try my best to ask for help *crosses heart*

I did get my hair washed today *ahhhh* and cut. Oh that felt so nice! All I had to do was lay my head down in the sink and then my hair was magically washed and cut. Thinking about doin it every day. Not the hair cut, but the washing of my hair, FOR SURE!

Thank you again for the well wishes and the kind words, I truly appreciate it!

Will That Be All?

2010-01-14T23:41:00.000-08:00

**update** MRI shows the tendon is where it's suppose to be. I have an appointment with the surgeon on Tuesday to go over the results. The radiologist could only tell me that it was not that tendon. Not sure if that's good news or bad. I would think fixing the knuckle is easier then fixing a tendon, but I really have no idea. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. I've refrained from doing any Google searches, so far.

Dirty took Nae to the ER last night/ this morning and I followed shortly thereafter. She does NOT have strep but DOES have mono :o( Her throat is not closing up because it isn't her tonsils that are swollen like we had thought, it's her glands. Apparently we caught it fairly early and she doesn't have an enlarged spleen or liver, but we do need to watch out for those.

We got home at 5 this morning and she is doing OK. Not great but OK. We do know why the antibiotics weren't working now! I'm a little bit frustrated/confused that her doctor didn't test for mono after looking at her throat.Wouldn't he have been able to see that it wasn't her tonsils and it was her glands that were causing her so much discomfort? Any thoughts? Thanks for all the love and well wishes! I can't even tell you how much they mean to me!

Soooo....went to the surgeon this morning. I am not even going to pretend I was a big strong girl, because I SO was NOT! I was quiet all morning long and just wanted to do anything BUT go to that appointment. I didn't anyone to go with me because I knew I was going to lose my cool at some point and freak FUCK! Actually, that's not true, I did want Dirty to go with me, but Nae is STILL! REALLY! sick and I didn't feel comfortable leaving her by herself or with anyone but him or myself. I had lil sis drop me off and I walked into that office trying not to let anyone see how terrified I was. I almost pulled it off, too.

Surgeon checks out my finger, very gently. Good news is the tendon is where it should be. Bad news is I dislocated my knuckle...(sorry Quiet Dreams, I know you're cringing) When I dislocated the knuckle it went back in, BUT it went it twisted. Surgeon said think of it like a knee cap. EEEWWWW *shudder* that's gross! Then he asked me the most beautiful question ever! "How about we numb everything up and I can try to see if I can fix it?" If I could have gotten away with kissing him, I would have! He did that and worked it pretty good, still nothing. He wants me to go for an MRI in the morning to make sure that's what he thinks it is. The only way to fix it? Oh that would be surgery *sigh*

When he and the nurse said that, I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. I was biting my lip, taking deep breaths, all of it and still tears were escaping. I'm not scared of the surgery itself, but I am worried about the recovery time and the cost. This surgery is EASILY going to cost me $10,000. Ummmm I don't have $10,000 laying around.

I left the office holding backs sobs searching for a bathroom. When I found one, I raced in there, locked the door, dropped to my knees and lost IT! I was sobbing pathetically into my lap. I didn't know what else to do. Once I gained some sort of composure, splashed my face with cold water and did my best to not start crying again so I could leave the bathroom. As soon as I got myself together, I went down to the hospital's billing office.

Good thing is, they have a program for uninsured ER visits and I qualify. All of these doctor visits are all considered emergency because of that visit. Hopefully I'll be able to only pay a small percentage of the surgery.

Now we just need to figure out what's wrong with Nae. Dirty just took her to the ER because her breathing didn't sound good when I checked on her. I think the swelling in her throat is getting so bad, it's closing up. I'm not going to think of worst case scenarios as I wait for a phone call from him. Please send Nae lots of good thoughts!

Crap!

2010-01-13T13:38:00.000-08:00

It looks like I'm headed for surgery. The doc said I did dislocate this damn finger and it did go back into place. That's good! BUT the tendon that runs over the knuckle is not there. He can't be sure but he thinks it's laying on the OUTSIDE of my bone. OUCH! He was pushing up on it and he felt a lot of tension. He didn't want to push too hard because he didn't want to cause me any undue pain or snap the tendon. I told him he could, but either he had to get me a bucket to throw up in or a pillow so I don't hit my head on the floor when I pass out :D Weird he didn't push up on my finger when I hissed.

He put the splint back on and made me an appointment to see a hand surgeon. That appointment is tomorrow *sigh* I'm not as scared as I was yesterday, but still pretty uneasy about the whole thing.

I talked to my math instructor about the possibility of surgery and he didn't seem concerned about me not being able to do my homework. I'm doing the best to not let this whole thing get me down, but to be honest it isn't easy. I'm frustrated that I can't do ANYTHING. I can't cook dinner, can't wash my hair, unbutton my jeans, clean the house, pretty much anything that requires the use of both hands, I am unable to do. I can't even go running because the movement will jostle my hand and it hurts!

I did put a call out for help yesterday and asked a friend to make dinner for us because we're all VERY sick of pizza. That sucked having to ask for her help, but also made me feel good that I had an amazing friend to help me out. Thank you Tracy!

My lil sis, dad and their gang are all here this week. It's nice to be able to hang out with them and have some help around here, but also sucks because I can't do anything I had planned. I was going to make lasagna and pumpkin cheesecake for them, now I can't. Dirty is helping, obviously, but ummmmm...how can I say this politely....DUDE CAN'T COOK TO SAVE HIS OWN LIFE! Hence the reason we've had pizza or breakfast for dinner since Thursday. But not tonight! Tonight we're eating the dinner Tracy made us! Tomorrow, lil sis is going to help me with the stew. Not sure about the rest of the week, but right now, we've got dinner covered tonight. So very thankful that we will NOT be eating pizza tonight!

Nae is still really sick! Her strep test came back negative, and she isn't feeling much better. She's been on antibiotics since Monday afternoon, so we thought she'd be feeling better. Not quite sure what's going on. Does anyone know anything about tonsillitis? She hasn't had a fever but her throat is really sore and she can't talk. I'm having a hell of a time getting a hold of her Doctor. Any ideas would be GREATLY appreciated!

Go BIG Or Go Home!

2010-01-11T23:37:00.000-08:00

That's been our motto around here as of late.

I started the year of Beautiful Mess with a BANG! So much so that I somehow became a 21 year old college student instead of a 34 year old one. I went out, had a few beers and lots of laughs on Monday. My class was canceled, so I thought, why not? I begged Roomie to take me out and she did. Then Tuesday, I did it again! Only Tuesday there were a lot more beers consumed and a good bye party for a friend visiting from San Diego. Whom I may or may not have flirted with because I knew it would make people INSANE! I sauntered in around 4am after a delicious breakfast at Shari's and woke up *wink wink* Dirty. I proceeded to tell him about my night in GREAT detail until be called "uncle". Since we had to get up at 6 to get the kids off to school, we decided to stay up. That was SO weird! I wasn't feeling tipsy or drunk, not even tired! I hit my wall around 10am and took my sorry ass to bed. Was totally worth it AND I made it to class and did just fine. Wednesday my dad was in town and what did we do? Go our for some drinks with my friends he hasn't seen in awhile. And who else was there? That guy from Tuesday night PLUS a few gals that are always up in my business. We all sat together and I may have been a little TOO nice and giggly. In my defense, they have been up in my business for YEARS! I just decided to give them all something to talk about. That should keep me off their radar for awhile.

Woke up Thursday feeling totally fine, which is weird! I should have been wreaked, but I wasn't. I even went on my run. All was going well until 15 minutes until I had to leave for class and Dirty had to leave to get Zilla. It was then I decided to be Super Woman and move a BIG box of china into the garage. I grabbed it by hooking my thumbs into the box and supporting the box under the flaps with my index fingers and hands. Yeah...BAD idea! Heard a pop and saw stars. My finger hurt so bad, I thought I was going to throw up or pass out. I ran into the house and asked Dirty to pull it back into place, thinking I dislocated it. OH DEAR GOD I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO REALLY PASS OUT!!! He was pulling on it and I was screaming like I was being murdered. Apparently he didn't like the sound of my screams in his ear and me biting my arm to stop said screams. Which only gave me a bruise and did not stop my screaming OR the pain.

Poor Dirty and my dad are standing around while I'm on the floor rocking back and forth in pain not knowing what to do. Dirty had to go get Zilla from school and my dad can't drive. I somehow call Rommie and ask her to take me to the ER and I call Peaches telling her to tell our math instructor I won't be in class that day. Not sure how I did that, but I did!

I get to the ER a few minutes later acting crazy. I'm doing everything I can think of to distract myself from the pain. I'm attempting to text people, telling Roomie to make jokes, ANYTHING to keep my mind off my finger. None of those things really worked, either. We finally go back and see a doctor and get X-rays done. The X-rays don't show anything broken or our of place. They have NO idea what the hell I did to my finger. All we know is that I can't move it up and if anyone gets close to it, I whimper. I even asked the doc to knock me out if he decides to move it up to splint it. He took pity on me and didn't touch it. THANK YOU DOC!

He did call an orthopedist who was just as stumped as he was. They had no answers for me. Nobody had ever seen anything like this before. So, they put a splint on it to support it and wrapped it. I got some pain pills and a number to call in the morning to make an appointment with the orthopedist.

I've been doing my best to type, write and do normal things like brush my teeth with my left hand, but it hasn't been easy. This finger/hand HURTS like a bitch! My appointment is tomorrow and I am TERRIFIED! I'm afraid of the doctor touching it and him telling me I need surgery or something horrible. My game plan is to take a pain pill before my appointment and PRAY it's just dislocated and he can pop it back into place and it'll feel SO much better. If not.....well we'll deal with that when and IF it comes.

To top it all off, poor Nae is SO sick! We took her to HER doctor this morning and she has strep. The kid hasn't been on antibiotics since she was 6 months old. She's on a big dosage now to make up for lost time.

It's go big of go home around here! If ya'll have any spare good thoughts, Nae and I could really use them.

2010-01-10T12:01:00.001-08:00

Testing...trying to figure out this whole blog from ue phone invention. What will they think of NEXT?

I'm Free Of Her Poison

2010-01-05T17:48:00.000-08:00

Peaches and I have been in each others lives for a little over 12 years. That's a long time! It wasn't always bad, we had good times, as I stated in my letter to her awhile back. I have always been aware that she was a taker and I was a giver. That's what our friendship was and I accepted that. I would do my best not to let her hurt me, but in the end, I always got hurt. I would LOVE to put all the blame on her, but I can't. I have to assume some of the responsibility, as well. I was the one who chose to stay in a unhealthy friendship because I had the hope she would change. I didn't try to change her, I just always hoped that she would see the light some day. Since she hasn't spoken to me since she moved out, I have never felt so free in my life! I'm not fixing her problems anymore. I'm not listening to her go on and on and ON about her sometimes boyfriend. I'm a little bit hurt that she doesn't see what she did, but I doubt she ever will see. And you know what? It isn't my problem to make her see it. She made the choices she made and I made the choices I made. This is where we stand now. She doesn't reply to my text messages, not that I actually expected her too. It would have been nice to get "you're welcome" when I sent her a text saying thank you for the gifts she got Nae and Zilla, but eh shit happens. No biggie. We have two classes together this term and today was the first one. All I can say is it was awkward! Oh so very awkward. I was nice and said hi to her and she said hi back and that was the extent of our conversation for the two hours.

While I'm a little sad about the turn our friendship has taken I'm more RELIEVED then anything. I know a lot of people have told me that she is not a good friend and while I always agreed, I never did anything about it. Totally different story now. Since we haven't talked in weeks, I feel so free. I'm not stressed out anymore. I'm enjoying things around the house. I'm reconnecting with friends I had lost contact with because I was SO wrapped up in her and her problems. It feels really nice! I take that back, it feels really GREAT!

Because of this whole thing, I've done a lot of thinking about who I am and what I want out of life. I no longer want to worry about anyone but myself. Of course that doesn't mean I'm going to go run away, start up a crack habit or skate on my classes. This just means that I've lived my life for other people for way too long and it's time to live life for ME!

If I want to go out for a drink with the girls or the boys and Dirty is fine with it, I'm going to go. I'm not going to worry about someone feeling left out because he/she has to work and couldn't go. I'm not going to worry about the small group of women who think I'm such a whore because I have the NERVE to talk (and flirt) with a man that is not my husband! Oh the horror! I'm no longer going to listen to the whispers behind my back because I'm not at home with Dirty and the kids. If I want to go to lunch with a good friend who just happens to have a penis, then dammit, I'm going! If I feel like being silly in the store and embarrassing my friend, I'm going to do that too! On the flip side, if I don't feel like doing anything but sit on my couch, that's exactly where I'll be.

This year is going to be the year of Beautiful Mess! This is going to be a great year, I can't wait to see what type of person I'll become and who has chosen to stay with me during this journey. It's going to be very interesting and so very exciting!

A Great Man

2010-01-02T12:59:00.001-08:00

This handsome guy (who I got my looks from, btw) is A Great Man! He's probably the kindest man I know and the best dad ever! He's been through the wringer, but always comes out smiling. I don't remember him ever being mad or upset about the way life seems to love to screw him over. He lives life to the fullest and has taught me to do the same.

Things started to go downhill for him when I was around 12 years old. Him and my mom both lost their jobs and had to sell our house. Even during the move, he would always make the best of things. Since they were "older" it was hard for them to find a decent job again. When he finally did, years later, he lost his eyesight due to diabetes and had to retire early. My mom went back to work and took care of them. They were doing pretty good until my mom got sick and then passed away. Even through everything that surrounded her sickness and death, my dad was amazing. He went with her to appointments, visited her every day when she was in rehab and occasionally stayed the night and slept on a VERY small, uncomfortable chair. He never complained about taking the bus or a cab to see her, he just did it. He took care of her, helped her with her exercises so she could walk and talk again. When she came home, he and Dirty were talking about building a ramp for her wheelchair. Then she passed away and things were never the same, obviously.

He's been doing his best to keep his head above water with hospital bills pouring in, making sure my lil sister didn't make TOO many stupid decisions, and taking care of his own health. He wasn't feeling to well a few months back, but thankfully his kidneys are functioning just fine. Even though he was spilling some protein. Because of his diabetes and such, they had him tested for Agent Orange. That was in May :-| He hadn't heard anything from anyone for MONTHS! The only thing he knew was that when everything was done and he was tested positive, he would get an extra certain amount a month and it would be retro-active. We low-balled it and thought he'd get MAYBE an extra $500 a month and a check for a few thousand. But we still had no idea when this was coming or what was going to happen. Thank you government for all the available information.

He was notified that he did test positive for Agent Orange and would be receiving benefits because of this. Of course there was no date to notify him WHEN this would happen. So he waited, and waited. He finally got notice on Wednesday as to how much he was going to be getting a month. It wasn't what he was expecting, he told me. I was so bummed for him, I just wanted him to catch a break! I wanted SOMETHING to go right for him, just once! He then told me he will be receiving an extra $2,000 a month! That's HUGE! I was so happy for him, I started to cry. I started to do the math in my head and said "so you got like a $1,400 check, right?!" His response was "no, I didn't. *pause* Try like $47,000" I completely lost it right then and there! I couldn't hold it in any longer, I bawled like a baby. I was so happy for him and so excited that he was able to pay his bills and such and not have to worry about if his electric bill was going to be too high. Then he dropped a bomb on me. He told me he mailed me a check. I was stunned and told him I didn't want him spending his money on me, it's HIS! He's the one who fought in Vietnam, not I. He EARNED this money! He was crying too, when I said all of this, so it was hard for each of us to understand the other, but I think he said "it's alright. This is ALL of our money." I disagree and will do my best not to allow him to spend any of it on me. I just want my dad to be happy and be able to turn his heat on without having to worry.

He's looking into buying a house HERE, by ME! I hope he can do it. Not only for me, but for him too. He needs to be closer to me. It's time for my lil sis to share him. She's had him for years, it's my turn now.

I have questioned if good things do happen to good people a few times because it seems as if my dad gets shit on by life a lot, but not anymore! I think I just needed to have more patience and open my eyes a little bit more. He's a good man who truly deserves this. It won't make the pain of him losing his wife any less, but it will make his life easier. For that, I am thankful.

A Little History

2009-12-29T15:50:00.000-08:00

When we found out I was pregnant with Nae, it was both a shock and a surprise. We weren't trying, but we weren't NOT trying, either. We had been together for four years at that point and never got pregnant. I hadn't been on the pill much because it made me BAT SHIT CRAZY! And I'm allergic to latex condoms. So we were huge fans of the pull out method. Although, not EVERY TIME. Anyway, so when we got pregnant it wasn't a HUGE surprise. We still looked at it as a gift and did everything in our power to accept this gift and not take it for granted. We had many conversations on how we wanted to raise this child and how we DIDN'T want to raise this child. We may have taken it too far in some people's eyes, but this is OUR child, not theirs. So if we gave up get-togethers because we didn't have a sitter, then that's what had to be done. That was almost 13 years ago and to date, Nae has had MAYBE 10 babysitters in her life and two of them were NOT family members.

Then we decided for number two. That didn't happen the way we planned, WEIRD! But when it did, we were cautiously over joyed! We chose to raise Zilla the same way we chose to raise Nae. No babysitters if we could help it. Not that we didn't trust babysitters or we think it's bad to get a babysitter, we just felt we didn't need to. We were a little bit relaxed with him and let my BIL take both of the kids over night for New Year's Eve when Zilla was 5 months old. The Universe let us know how much of a bad idea this was because we woke up the next morning with A LOT of snow on the ground. Panic ensued and we got both of then home in one piece.

Overprotective might be a bit of an understatement when it comes to how we've chosen to parent, but we do have good reason. And here is where the moment our lives could have changed forever happened. I looked through my archives and I don't think I've told this story before, so I'll tell it now. It has a happy ending, thank Goddess, but it wasn't one of my proud parenting moments. This is also why I freaked out so much when I saw Zilla by the parking lot at school.
That picture could have been the last picture I had taken of Zilla. We were at a school carnival at Nae's school. We've been to this school SO many times, everyone knew us and him. We use to joke that he was the mascot because he had been there more then some of the teachers. We first started going there when he was about a year and a half to volunteer in Nae's classroom. He was in his stroller and would take his naps in there while I did my work. It wasn't a new environment to him at all. Which is probably why the day ended as well as it did.

He was going through a bounce house/obstacle course thing. He had done it many time before the last time without incident. He took off his shoes and I watched him go through the difficult part. I then told him that I was going to get his shoes and to meet me at the end. It took all of TWO SECONDS, that he was out of my sight. I went back to the end of the bounce house and he was GONE! I waited for him to come out, thinking he climbed back up the slide for another round, but no he didn't.

I walked to the front of the thing and asked the woman running it if he had come out there, he didn't. I told Nae to go check the playground and see if he was there. He was wearing a bright orange shirt, so he wouldn't have been THAT hard to spot. Except there were like eleventy billion other little boys wearing an orange shirt that day, too. Nae and her friends were looking all over the playground for him, coming back to me and telling me they hadn't found him. I was doing my best NOT to panic.

I ran through the gym to the school building thinking he might have wondered off to Nae's classroom for candy or whatever little treats her teacher had in there. Her teacher and another gal saw the look on my face and asked me what was wrong. I wasn't panicking until THAT moment. Until the words "I can't find Zilla" came out of my mouth. All the teachers and the principal scattered in different directions to search for him, but nobody found him. It was probably 5 MAYBE 10 minutes we were looking for him, but it felt like HOURS. My phone rang and I answered it, it was Peaches telling me Zilla was home. We lived two blocks from the school and when he couldn't find me he WALKED HOME! That's when I lost it. My knees buckled and I dropped to the floor crying thinking about what could have been. Nae's teacher found me, picked me up and helped me get it together. I grabbed Nae and we ran home.

As soon as I walked in the door and saw my baby sitting on the couch with tears on his cheeks, I lost it again. I grabbed him and just held him and cried. He was safe, scared but safe. When I asked him what happened his simple 3 year old answer was "I couldn't find you. I lost you, so I came home". I'm glad he knew his way home, obviously, but thinking about him crossing two streets, barefoot, makes me sick to my stomach still.

That day is still very fresh in my mind. Every time I think about it, I get so scared. So that is why when I saw him almost in the parking lot at his school the other day, I FREAKED out. I may have jumped the gun a bit but that was NOT ok. It was not ok for a six year old boy to be that close to the street. I don't care how many staff members are directing traffic, they don't know who is or who is NOT on the pick up list. A number of things could have happened and the school is not understanding this.

In the end everything turned out well and they will not be transferring Zilla to the other school, but I am not going to let this go. He may have to finish out the school at this school, but I will not be dropping this. I intend to talk to the principal again about the pick up process and even the PTA president. If my fears are not appeased, then I WILL be talking to the superintendent.

I may not be the norm when it comes to protecting my children, but that does not mean that a six year old should be responsible for where he needs to be after school. The principals at both schools don't seem to think what happened was a big deal. Unless they're playing it down so I don't freak out. If that's their plan, it's not working. They are making it worse by not acknowledging a flaw in their system.

Yes the children should know where to be when they need to be picked up, it's a part of making them aware and responsible. Both of which, I think are very important, but what about if there was a custody battle between Dirty and myself? What if my dad went to pick up Zilla and Zilla went with him? My dad isn't on the pick up list. Obviously it would be fine if he was picked up by my dad, but the school doesn't know that! What if some pervert decided to go kid shopping and picked up my son? What would the school have done THEN? What would they have done if he did run out into the street and got hit by a car?

These aren't little what if's, these are BIG what if's. I am relieved beyond words that nothing bad happened, but what if.....what if?

What a Beautiful Christmas!

2009-12-28T12:35:00.000-08:00

Despite everything that has happened to us this month, we had a wonderful, beautiful, fantastic Christmas.

Dirty's grandmother passed away, which wasn't unexpected, but sad nonetheless. The good thing, is she was able to spend Christmas with her husband who passed away a few years ago. Dirty's mom was able to get her ashes put in the wall before Christmas, so she was laid to rest before Christmas. That was a nice ending to a wonderful woman's life. I'm very honored to have been a part of her life. She was truly a magical person. She will be missed, but we know she is very happy with her husband, who she has missed so much.

Even Peaches moving out and not talking to me, still, didn't ruin our day. I wasn't about to let her selfishness ruin our day.

I didn't think about anything that had to do with Dirty's court appearance or the outcome. I was going to actually enjoy this holiday and BE present for it. For the first time in years, I was able to see Christmas for what it truly is. I wasn't on death watch or waiting for the phone to ring. My dad was here and I didn't have to fake my way through the whole thing.

This year should have been one of the worst Christmases ever, but instead, it turned out to be one of the best. I am very thankful for my family for getting me to this point.

I hope everyone had a wonderful day. I wish for 2010 to be a WONDERFUL year!

Time To Move On

2009-12-19T11:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Peaches,

Remember when we met, almost 13 years ago? We were so young and such different people. Changing is to be expected, especially given how close we once were. We did a lot of fun things and we have many memories of those times. I wouldn't take a moment of the good times because they were a lot of fun. I'll always hold those memories close to my heart and think of them with a smile on my face.

I'm pretty sure the moment our friendship changed was when you and The Y got a divorce. Things between us weren't bad before then. Sure we had some disagreements and frustrations, but we could always laugh them off or talk them through. Then you two got your divorce and you changed. You become someone I didn't know anymore. I don't know if you were trying to recapture the youth you missed because you married young and had your babies starting at 17. That's what I told myself and others. When people would come up to me and say "WTH is wrong with Peaches?! Why isn't she at home with her children?" I would always shrug my shoulders and say "I'm not in her position, so I can't say. I've never been divorced and had nowhere to go. She's probably trying to find herself." I was always honest with you, never did I lie to you. Never did I say "yeah that's a great idea, do it!" I always gave you my honest opinion, when you asked. Never once did I turn my back on you. Not once! Even when I thought you were making a HUGE mistake by moving to Washington with your boyfriend and leaving your children here. I did tell you I didn't think it was something I would do, but once again, I'm not you. I supported you and your decisions. I even stepped in as a mother figure to your children. I raised them for almost two years while you were in a different state. I made their dinners, got them off to school, talked to their teaches, picked them up from school and help them while they cried. I even stood up for you when they were made at you for leaving. You didn't know that did you? Know why? Because I didn't say a damn thing to you about it. Maybe I should have. Maybe if I did, your children wouldn't be as lost as they are right now. Who know? Can't change the past now, all I can do is accept the choices I made in the best interests of your children and mine. Personally, I think I pretty damn good job raising FIVE children for almost two years. Kudos and pats on the back for me! Even though I didn't do it for accolades, I did it because I love your children like they're my own.

What happened when things were going bad for you and Boyfriend? Who listened to you cry on the phone? Who would call you to talk about something and never interrupt you when the conversation inevitably steered toward you? That would be me! Who didn't say much about the deep dark hole I was in last year because the support I would've received wouldn't have been worth it? Yep, that's me again. I'm not saying all of this because I want to get credit for them, I'm simply saying them because I want you too SEE that our friendship ending the way it is, is not MY fault.

Dirty and I took you in with no questions asked when you showed up on our doorstep six months ago because that's what friends do. You help each other when their in need. I unpacked your belongings and put away the reminders of Boyfriend when you were at your mom's that weekend, you didn't know that. I did it because I knew putting all of those things in a bag and then putting it in the garage would have hurt you. I don't want you to be hurt because I love you. I would have done everything in my power to take your pain away. I didn't say shit when you started putting up pictures of your kids in my house because maybe seeing their pictures were making this place feel like home to you. I do love your kids, but having more pictures of them in my home then my own, well that kind of irked me. It was temporary and it made you feel a little bit better, so I didn't say anything.

I cooked meals for you, cleaned up messes and took care of a lot of things for you. When I was doing laundry and you were outside tanning, I didn't mind. It wasn't your laundry after all, why should you do it? When I cleaned up the house while you were at the lake with your friends, I was a bit miffed, but once again, it wasn't YOUR mess. It was our mess, you should be expected to clean it up. When you cleaned the bathroom a few times for me, I was SO excited! I loath and detest cleaning the bathroom and the fact that you did, well I was beaming with happiness. When you cleaned the kitchen a few times, I was always grateful and always showed my appreciation. I thought I made our living arrangement pretty smooth. It wasn't perfect, but I felt I did my best to give you space. You had a dresser to put your clothing in AND most importantly you had a roof over your head.

When you got your grant check and gave us $100, we thanked you and showed you our appreciation. We weren't bitter that you got your money before I did. We were actually happy that you got some money Because you were struggling. You didn't know how you were going to buy shampoo and razors, the money came at the perfect time for you. And to be honest, for us too. You aren't a very easy person to buy things for. You don't like grocery store shampoo or disposable razors. So, buying your things wasn't cheap. But we did it anyway because not being able to buy your own razors would suck, a lot!

Things got a bit stressful when we started school. It wasn't easy to figure out how I was going to cook dinners on Monday nights since I had to be at school at dinner time. I did ask you to pitch in a bit, but then your wrist started to hurt you and you never made dinner. Even though, you were here, at the house, when I was at school. You saw me making a menu or making a dinner early in the day and only said "why don't you just have Dirty make dinner? You know he's capable of it." "Yes he is capable of it, but I think the children are sick of eating fish sticks or grilled cheese soup every Monday." You never offered to make dinner, but you sure had no problem eating the dinner I made. That's when things started going downhill, for my at least. I started to resent your "carefree lifestyle" while I struggled to do household chores. I would get pissed off when you would waltz in the door after a night of drinking and partying because you had no responsibilities. I didn't resent that you were going out, no not at all. I didn't WANT to go out, I would have rather stayed at home. What I did resent you for, was the fact that this whole house had to suffer for your choices. We all had to deal with your pissy ass mood because you had a hangover. I had to listen to you bitch about how the food I'm making is going to make you throw up. Psstt...get over yourself.

Shit REALLY hit the fan when you got your school money and proceeded to buy stuff for yourself and NOT even offer us a dime! You heard us talking about how much the cable and power bills were, yet you didn't even offer us $50 to help out. You did, however, go get your hair cut, buy yourself a new pair of pants and a bra. Yeah they may have amounted to a total of $50, but you could have offered that to your friends who have taken care of you for the past six months. But you didn't and that's why I had the talk with you the other night. Not because I'm jealous that you had over $2,000 in your bank account and I didn't. I was hurt that you thought of yourself before you thought of me. Yeah, I shouldn't be surprised because that's why you are, but I was and still am. When you gave me $100 and didn't say a word to me, I lost any respect I had for you. Which, by the way, wasn't much. In that moment, our friendship ended. Not because of money, but because you couldn't take a time out and think "hey, I should talk to these people who took me in when I had NOWHERE to go. I should offer them something instead of going to get my hair cut." But *sigh* you didn't. You, as usual, thought of only yourself.

I truly wish you the very best in your new apartment, I honestly do. I wish you nothing but happiness. I only wish I could be there to see you grow up and be responsible. If we do come out of this, it won't be like it was before. I won't let you get close to me again. I'm sure you think you're in the right here, but let me assure you, you are not. What you did was rude and selfish.

We had good times and bad times. Despite everything, I will remember the good times.
Good luck with everything,
Me

Updates, Awards, Followers And Giveaways, OH MY!

2009-12-18T08:58:00.000-08:00

Update: Peaches moves out Saturday *YAY* So that's pretty awesome. I'm happy for her and happy for me. The bad part is she isn't talking to me. I had a conversation with her about money *BOO* and she didn't take it well. I asked her if she had thought about kicking down any money and she said "I didn't look at me being her as a debt or a bill that needed to be paid." While I agree with her, I didn't expect her to "pay us back", but I also didn't expect her to go get her hair cut, buy a new pair of pants and go out to dinner and lunch a few times and NOT kicking down anything. I felt like THAT was a slap in the face and I told her so. She didn't love it, which is why she isn't really speaking to me. Oh well, such is life, right? Hopefully she'll get a lesson in real life soon. I truly hope so! I don't want her to fail or anything, but I would like to see her get a feel for what real life is. Grown up stuff like paying bills and NOT buying $25 panties at Victoria's Secret. Just saying.....

As for Zilla's school, well the principal didn't approve the transfer. He didn't call me Monday, but did call me back Tuesday AFTER I called the school and left a message. I think he was hoping I would just disappear. Our conversation went OK, even though he didn't give me what I want. The only part that pissed me off was when he said "you need to solve the problem and not run away from it." That didn't sit well with me. My reply to that statement was "I don't feel comfortable sending my son to school anymore. I should not have to worry if my child is going to be in the parking lot or by the doors when I pick him up. This is NOT ok!" I get the feeling that they're trying to blame Zilla for this, make it HIS responsibility to know where he's suppose to be. Which, on one hand, I agree with them, but on the other he is SIX years old! Just because he's in the first grade and not kindergarten, that's suppose to make all the difference? I think not, sir! He also told me there isn't any room at the other school and when I told him that's not the information I was given, he wanted me to tell him who gave me that information. I stood strong, though. I'm not giving you nay names, I'm going to protect the people that are ACTUALLY trying to help me.

I got off the phone with him and immediately called the principal at the other school. HA! Take that asshole! She talked to me, but had to call me back after she found out what the first grade numbers were looking like. Weird she didn't call me back. I was going to call the superintendent of the district, if I didn't hear back from anyone. I finally heard back from the vice principal/behavioral specialist in the afternoon. This guy was Nae's teacher for two years and I was the room mom, so he knows me and Zilla. He said he's going to try to pull some strings for me and call in some favors. If not, I'll be going over HIS head! I genuinely like this guy and don't want to piss him off, but Zilla's education is more important.

I just don't think they are understanding the gravity of this situation. We are new to this school this year and not everyone knows me or my kid. The guy who's supervising the crosswalk doesn't know me. He doesn't know who is allowed to pick up Zilla and who isn't. What if some pervert decided to go kid shopping and picked up Zilla? What if he got hit by a car? What would have the school done THEN?! The whole pick up system needs work and until it gets fixed, I won't be comfortable there.

Every time I think about the one time that Zilla walked home from the school a few years back, my heart jumps into my throat and my palms sweat. I didn't know where my son was for about 20 minutes. I get the same feeling when I think about Monday and saw Zilla by the crosswalk. SO many things could have happened and the school doesn't want to think about it. Well they have no choice, because I am not stopping until I feel comfortable dropping my son off at school.

Awards: YAY I've been given awards. Not just one but TWO! How cool is that?! Pretty cool, I think. Sunny gave me a Beautiful Blogger award. Awwwww thanks, hon! Sunny is pretty amazing and what she said about me kind of made me tear up a little. She's a very sweet gal. Who has an adorable Bean at home and two in the belly right now. Although her doctor's app ointment didn't go so well on Wednesday. Go on over and give her a little love. She's a bit stressed out, rightly so.

I'm to post 7 things about myself and pass this onto 7 beautiful bloggers. I have NO idea who has been given this award or not. Totally not passing it on, well maybe I will...a different day.
1) I hate confrontation, but will fight to the death for my family

2) I'm starting to realize some friendships aren't meant to be

3) I can do anything I put my mind too. Hello 4.0!

4) I really enjoy killing people with kindness. It's SO much more satisfying then being mean.

5) I hate doing the laundry and will do anything I can to get out of it.

6) I love email conversations.

7) My new Victoria's Secret bra is out of control! When your breasts are a C, you don't need the bra that adds TWO more cup sizes. I'm grateful for wonderful friends who think about me on my birthday, but that's just a little much.

The next award I got from Sassy over at Secret Life Of Sass and Lex. She is my Twitter wifey, well ONE of them! I'm not sure what happens on Twitter but some time during the day, we all end up being married. Fine by me, Sass makes LAMB! AND she said she'd show me how to do it. Only problem is how I'm going to get to her to learn. We'll figure it out!

Sass gave me the Happy 101 award! I'm suppose to list 10 things that make me happy and then pass this onto 10 bloggers.
1) Wine...how could wine NOT make me happy?!

2) Dirty. He is always making me laugh and saying he's gonna trade me in when I get older. Pretty sure THAT won't happen, cuz there won't be one 25 year old that's gonna want to "hang out with him" let alone two of em when I turn 50. Sorry babe, you are out of LUCK!

3) Chocolate..'nuff said

4) My email...love it!

5) My bed *ahhh*

6) Cooking

7) Coffee

8) Baths

9) My computer

10) And last but DEFINITELY not least...all my bloggy friends. I love all ya'll!

OK, now followers: Go over to Fertility Chick, tell her I sent ya and follower her! She's giving away BALLS...go read you'll figure it out. Seriously if you're not reading her, you are missing OUT! And I know from experience she is good at giveaways. I'm gonna leave it at that because I don't want to ruin it for ya. Just go read *giggle*

Giveaway: Terra over at Sitting on an Oak is giving away some CHOCOLATE! Nestle chocolate at THAT! She emailed ME and asked ME to join in the fun and who am I to say no?! She did email more then just I, but I'm pretending I'm important enough to be the ONLY one to have received this email....

Annnnnnnd DONE! Sorry this was so long, but I had to play catch up. It's been a crazy week around here.

WOW...Just.....WOW!

2009-12-15T23:58:00.000-08:00

It's a bit hard to read, sorry about that. my paint skillz are all that fantastic. Thankfully I didn't take MS Paint for fall term. If I had I might not have gotten a 4.0!!! Since I didn't take MS Paint, I DID in fact get a 4.0 this term! I am shocked, excited, proud of myself and so many other emotions. I want to cry while doing cartwheels. I just can't believe it! I can, I worked my a$$ off for that 4.0, but still...wow..just...WOW!

Thank you everyone for all of your support. I would not have had the courage to go back to school if it wasn't for each and every one of you cheering me on. You all rock my world! Thank you so much! ACK! I'm gonna cry if I keep this up! Love you all!

They Have NO Idea What's Coming To Them

2009-12-14T15:56:00.000-08:00

I haven't been in love with Zilla's new school since he started. I was unimpressed with the way the school looked and was nervous about transferring him. The school was down the street and if something came up, I could always walk down to grab him. That was pretty much the only thing they had going for them. I met his teacher and everything in September, she was from his old school, so I thought the curriculum would be the same. While that is true, we're are very unhappy with this school. The last straw was today when we went to pick him up and he was IN THE PARKING LOT! The kid is six years old, he has NO business being in the damn parking lot! the principal was outside so I talked to him and he said that they stopped handing off the children to their parents after Thanksgiving. Ummmm OK, so the children are left to decide where to meet their parents? That isn't OK with me. Zilla is a very active six year old boy and has the "shoot first, ask questions later" mentality. I could see some random person going up to him telling him that his dad told him to be picked up by someone else. As much as I've told Zilla not to go with anyone other then Dirty or myself, I could see this happening. So seeing him in the parking lot really pissed me off and scared the crap out of me. I might be a bit gun shy since I lost him almost a year ago, but that's a different story for a different day. Or not, I don't like to think about it often. Just know that the old cliche "I only turned my back for a second" is a cliche for a reason!

Anyway, there have been some behavioral issues lately and Zilla has been coming home with yellow (bad day) and red (really bad day) days. When I've talked to his teacher about these, they seem to be "boy" things. Not excusing his behavior, but it's for things such as him talking when it's suppose to be quiet time. It seems that she gives the whole class a general rule and if anyone disobeys the rule, they have to change their card. It also seems as if they don't get a chance to turn their card back to green (good day). Every time he gets a yellow or a red, he gets punished. We may not agree with the way his teacher is doing things, but we still have to follow through at home, so we do. When we ask Zilla why he's having these bad says, his answer always coincides with what the teacher says, and it's really not all that bad. On the other hand, I get that she has to be strict in order to keep her class in line. It's her against 20 six year olds, odds are not in her favor. We were willing to work with his teacher and her differences in the behavior, but then this happened today and we've kind of had it.

Then we went to do his homework when we got home and for the third week in a row, he's gotten Spanish homework. It's great that they are teaching the children a different language, but neither Dirty or myself speak Spanish. How am I suppose to help him with his homework, when I can't even read it? He did a Christmas countdown and THAT was in Spanish. Ummm we can't participate in the activities that are on the countdown because we DON'T SPEAK SPANISH! There was nothing given to us stating that they were teaching him Spanish, nor was there anything said about homework being done in Spanish only. That leads me to think that they aren't paying attention and giving him the wrong homework. The kids is behind enough as it is, he doesn't need any MORE help getting behind.

So I called his old school, talked to the secretary and asked about an in-district transfer. She gave me ALL the details and even told me that if anything got hung up, to call her. When I called and told them who I was, they remembered me! That's what I like to hear! One of the gals did call me by my daughter's name, but she STILL remembered our family! I will not be sad about leaving this school. It feels like we're coming back home. If anything gets hung up, you better believe, I'm marching into the district office. Don't tempt me people, you WILL be sorry! You have NO idea who you're dealing with. You don't want to mess with my kid!

Sick and Tired

2009-12-13T11:18:00.000-08:00

I'm sick...and tired. I'm on day 4 of this dreaded cold and I'd like it to be banished from my body and home. It's run through everyone in this house, but of course, it's gained enough strength to kill a horse before invading my body. After days (Weeks? Months?) of taking care of everyone, I've finally succumbed to it. It sucks and it's making me a VERY crabby person. So, in order to not become bitchy to my family, who are trying very hard to take care of me, I'm going to be bitchy on my blog. If I don't get this temper tantrum (that's about to over take me) out, it won't be pretty.

I'm sick of sharing EVERYTHING that's suppose to be "mine". I don't want to share my cell phone anymore. I don't want to share my couch anymore. I don't want to share my bathroom anymore. I want to go in there and take a shower, bath, or whatever when I want too. I'm sick of going through toilet paper at an alarming rate. There are other people that live in this house (for FREE), it is possible to notice we're out of toilet paper and go buy some when you're out and about doing whatever the hell you do. And while we're on the subject of free loading, you just got a $2,000 check. Wanna kick down a few bucks for living here in my house for the last six months.....for FREE?! Getting expensive shampoo, your hair cut and your daughters' hair cut and not even offering to give us even $50 is just plain rude. I know you haven't had much money and spending some money on yourself is within your right, but you have been living her for FREE for the past six months. Lets try thinking about someone else for a change.

I don't want to spend my birthday money on house stuff. It's MY birthday money, I want to spend it on stuff for myself. Selfish? Damn right it is! If I want to spend it on laundry soap, then I'll spend it on laundry soap. But if I want to spend it on a stupid tin with pink mints in it, don't give me THAT look. You're just going to piss me off.

This computer? The one that is MINE? The very one that you bitch about because the screen is "annoying" and my chair is uncomfortable? Yeah that one. If you don't like it, stop using it! If you don't like it, then why even bother using it? Wouldn't it be a nice change if you asked to use something and DIDN'T bitch about it? I'm doing you a God damn favor by ALLOWING you to use it, act accordingly.

I'm sure being sick and feeling like I got hit by a train is what is causing me to be such a bitch about every little thing, but right now, I could care less. All I want to do is lay on the couch (move over) or my bed and either sleep or be miserable. Don't talk to me, unless it's asking me how I'm feeling. Anything else you ask, I don't have an answer for. If I do have an answer, you probably don't want to hear it.

****end rant***
Special thanks to Julies for letting me whine to her via email. Sorry I haven't been the best sounding board or email friend lately. As soon as I feel less like crap, I'll be back to my chipper self!

A Woman's Journey To Strength

2009-12-07T22:29:00.000-08:00

When I first started my writing class, a few of my bloggy lovers wanted me to post an essay. I wanted to wait to do that until my last class, which was TONIGHT. Here is one of my essays, my VERY favorite one. The one I read in class tonight and ALMOST made it through without crying. I'm so proud of this essay and not only because I got an A on it. It just made me realize how much Ive gone through and how far I've come.

I never thought of myself as a strong person, so when my mom said to me "Danielle, you are the strong one in this family. I need you to know that", I was taken by surprise. The next day as my family and I were standing around my mom's hospital bed, watching her take her very last breath, I started to understand what she meant. As I heard my older sister crying hysterically, saw my dad heartbroken and my younger sister lost, I knew I was going to have to step into my mother's place as the strong one in our family. I was going to have to gather up and strength I had and carry my family through her death and funeral. The funeral was a few days later and while I don't remember much of the days leading up to it, I do remember the day like it just happened yesterday.

The sun was shinning brightly for a bitterly cold January day. the wind was whipping through my hair, stinging my cheeks, and grabbing the hem of my black chiffon dress. As I walked from the parking lot to the church tightly holding onto my mom's urn, warm from my body heat, I opened the doors. I stepped into the church, I immediately felt the heat hit my body wrapping me in comfort like an old tattered college sweatshirt. The vestibule of the church was humming with people talking in hushed tones and quietly crying. Lit candles and beautiful bouquets of flowers from various friends and relatives cover every flat surface of the room. The air smelled of melted candle wax and fresh cut flowers. I walked passed everyone, not saying a word, to stand next to the large table that held the many pictures of my mom. I looked at all of these pictures that symbolize her sixty-two years of life and start to cry. I took a deep breath and gathered some strength to get myself and my family through this unbearably sad day.

Still holding onto my mom's white porcelain urn, I dipped my fingers into the brass bowl that holds the warm holy water. Making the sign of the cross, I walked up to the alter. There was a small table covered in red velvet cloth and many red and white carnations designated for the urn. I set down the only physical object that remains of my mom and started to cry. Again, for the countless time that day, I wished I didn't have to do this. For a brief moment, I started to feel the sadness try to over take me, but I took another deep breath, composed myself, and turned around and took my seat in the pew marked "reserved for family members". I sat between my father and my husband, holding my father's hand and rubbing his back, whispering softly "I'm here, I'll get us through this."

That moment at the alter was the only time I let myself feel the overwhelming heartache since I watched her take her last breath in that hospital bed for three years. Between January 18, 2005 and January 15, 2008, I ran from the pain that filled my soul and focused all my energy and strength on my family. I was more concerned with how my dad and sisters were coping then I was with myself. I cooked meals for them, cleaned my father's house, and helped him pack up some of my mom's belongings, all the while pushing my grief deep down. I did all of this to make the transition from having my mom everyday, to never being able to see her or hear her voice again, easier. My goal was to help myself, while helping my family. By stepping into my mom's place in our family, I thought I could make my pain less and be that strong woman she thought I was. When the grief got to be too much of a presence, that I could no longer out run it, I stood next to it. I let grief and sadness wash over me as a wave would wash over a sandcastle. When I was allowing myself to be taken over by grief, I found that strong woman my mom told me I was three years ago. The strength I had before is nothing compared to what I have now. Today I can be the strong woman my mom always knew I was. I am able to help my family through this tragedy, and do it with my whole soul. I don't need to sacrifice my grief in order to be there for the rest of my family.

It's been a year since I allowed myself to embrace grief and not run from it. In the last year I have found more strength then I ever thought I had. I dug deep inside myself to gather strength, only to find out there are deeper places to look. I couldn't have gone on this journey if it wasn't for the woman who knows me better then I know myself, telling me I was capable. She unlocked something in me that day and she knew exactly what she was doing.

Seeing What Once Was

2009-12-05T10:53:00.000-08:00

****This might not make much sense. It's a jumble of thoughts that I need to get out****

The other night Dirty and I were sitting on the couch watching TV, when a depression commercial came on. The people were holding up note cards saying things like "I see the world in black and white", "I'm empty inside", all the things I felt last year. Everything I was feeling last year was what was written on those cards. It really made me think and realize how low I was and how far I've come. I didn't intend on it, but I said out loud to Dirty "you know, I'm really surprised you didn't put me on medication." Obviously he couldn't force me to take any type of medication, but we made the decision, as a couple, that medication wasn't for me.

It's hard to be depressed. I didn't realize I was depressed until now. I knew I was sad and I was missing me mom, but I never thought I was "depressed". That word get thrown around so much, it almost has no meaning anymore. My mom suffered from depression from time to time and my older sister did, as well. Although, I'm sure my older sister's depression was caused more by drug use then anything else. My mom's might have been related to medication and her fibromyalgia. I'm not sure because my parents made sure my little sister and I weren't aware of that, even as adults. They didn't want us to worry about my mom, so they did their best to keep it from us. We knew she would spend days in her room, but always thought it was because of her pain. Anyway...not the point....

After I made that odd, random statement to Dirty, he looked at me and said "I knew how bad you were, but I also knew you were strong enough to fight it and win." Apparently I'm not as good as hiding things from him, as I thought I was. Not sure why I ever try, but I do. I'm glad he had faith in me, because I know I didn't. I know there were times when I felt so hopeless and stuck in a block hole that I couldn't even imagine ever getting out. But there were also days where I could see the sun from my black hole. I could go on and on about all the things I did when I was depressed that I wished I hadn't done, but what is that going to solve? What I do know is that right now, today, I feel SO much different then I did last year.

Last year putting up the Christmas tree and seeing my mom's ornament threw me into a crying fit in the bathroom by myself. This year, unpacking that ornament put a small smile on my face. I did get that "I wish mom was here" feeling, but it wasn't going to take me away on a 5 day depression vacation. I did have a small panic attack and almost dissolved into a puddle of tears when I wanted to put it on the tree and couldn't find it. Thankfully, Dirty found it and one of the kids had already put it on the tree. Then he moved it to the front with a light behind it so I could look at it. It was a very sweet gesture and one I appreciate more then I can say.

When I was telling Dirty how lost I was last year and how this year everything is so different, he said "you did a great job, hon! You will have bad days, and those are OK, but your good days outnumber your bad days. That's what you should be proud of." And ya know what? I am proud of that!

The last almost four years have sucked so much! I sometimes, can't believe it was me who was standing by my mom when she passed away. I can't believe I saw her last breath. I can't believe I was THERE when we made the decision to take her off life support. It's hard to wrap my brain around the thought that she is actually dead. I'm not sure that feeling will ever go away, and that's just fine with me. I don't think I ever want to be OK with her death in that way. I've always just wanted peace with the whole thing. And I think I've finally found it.

This year, my birthday won't be as much of a celebration as the years before, that's good. That means that I'm not trying to push away the sad thoughts away by having a huge party. Christmas will mean more because I'll be present through the whole thing. I'll be missing my mom, but it won't consume me like it has in the past. This past year, I've done a lot of healing. If I can see the difference, that means that my hopes of wanting to smile with my eyes, has actually happened. I'm not faking it anymore. When I get sad, I sit with it. I don't try to push it away, in the hopes that it'll just leave me alone. I don't push my purple gorilla away, I sit with her and let her hold me when I need it. I allow myself to feel the pain, but I also allow myself to feel the love from everyone around me.

I will always miss my mom, no doubt about that, but life is brighter, today. I came a long way in the past few years. I may have taken the long way to get here, but I had to do it that way. That way was my way. I had to fall to my knees from the pain in order to be strong enough to walk through the grief. If there is anything I've learned from this, it's that it is OK to be picked up by my family and friends. Just because I'm "the strong one" doesn't mean I don't need help. I do need help and that help comes in many forms.

Healing and Thanksgiving

2009-11-27T12:34:00.000-08:00

Thank you to EVERYONE for commenting and/or reading my last post. It wasn't an easy one to write. So thank you for the support, I appreciate it more then I can say.

Thanksgiving was really low key here. It was just the four of us and it was SO nice. There was no stress to get everything done on time, no guests arriving at a certain time and wanting to go before dark or whatever, no having to get dressed up, just us wanting to eat sometime before midnight. I even got to sleep in! Ahhh it was so nice to be able to get up around 11, have a cup of coffee, and surf the Internet before I had to start baking and cooking. Of course, I missed my dad and sister, but they'll be here for Christmas.

After I got the pies done, I prepped my bird. I was a bit worried as to how this turkey was going to turn out because I hadn't even done a turkey by myself before. the last Thanksgiving I did was before my mom died. Zilla was 4 months old, my mom was in a wheel chair, Dirty was working nights and the house was PACKED with my family. But my mom was there and she was able to help me, even though she was in her wheelchair. It was a day of playing pass the baby, praying that my turkey wasn't dry, and hoping there was enough food for everyone. Even though it was a stressful day, if I had any questions, I could turn around and ask my mom. This year, I didn't have that option, obviously.

Even though I didn't have that option, I didn't fall into a hole of depression while nursing a bottle of wine to get me through the day for the first time in almost 4 years. I was confident in my ability to make this dinner, even though I was doing it solo. It might have been because it was just the four of us, but I still did it! Not once did I feel sad or anything! Even when I pulled out some of her and my dad's china to use for dinner, I didn't get that stab of sorrow I'm so use too. I was happy and proud to use it. I used a few pieces of their china, a few pieces of Dirty's parents' and grandparents' china. I told the kids that it was like everyone was with us, it was a nice tradition to start. A tradition I intend to carry it on.

Dinner was wonderful, but the best part of it was the realization that I am healing. I don't know what "healed" looks like or if that is even possible, but I do know this feeling that I have now is pretty amazing. I still miss my mom like crazy, but not sitting on the couch right now in a daze is like a breath of fresh air.

Hopefully Christmas will be just as peaceful as Thanksgiving was. If not, I know I'll get through it. I always do.

We All Make Mistakes

2009-11-25T10:45:00.001-08:00

Almost three years ago Dirty made a HUGE mistake. Like "I am the dumbest person on Earth and I don't deserve you" mistake. He didn't have an affair or anything like that, but it was pretty dumb.

My mom was dying, his grandfather was dying and we were driving to do some Christmas shopping. Christmas shopping is stressful enough, but add in two dying family members and a distraught wife, well it just makes the whole experience THAT much stressful. Just so you know, I am NOT making excuses for Dirty's behavior, nor has he, I'm simply explaining the situation. Anyway...we were driving down the highway and some guy decides to cut off Dirty. So much so that he had to slam on the breaks, causing my coffee to spill all over the floor. Dirty being a guy, decides to cut this guy off back, stupid idea number 1. Guy gets pissed, rightly so, and merges into our lane so much so that Dirty has to drive into the shoulder to avoid getting hit. Dirty is REALLY pissed off at this point, gets in front of him, stops our truck and GETS OUT OF THE IT! Stupid idea number 2. Guy is taken by surprise, rolls down his window and yells something unkind to Dirty. Dirty gets even MORE pissed, kicks out his leg and MAKES CONTACT WITH GUY'S REAR FENDER! Stupid idea number 3. He is just as surprised as Guy is, but his adrenalin is going and he's pretty shaken up. Not to mention really pissed off at himeself. We continue on down the road and didn't see guy again, apparently he saw US and called the cops. Dirty is apologizing to me and mentally kicking (HAHA) himself for letting the guy get the better of him. We finish our Christmas shopping and go about our Christmas festivities and such. His grandfather passes away on Christmas and before we go to the funeral (a few days later), 2 police officers show up at our door to ARREST DIRTY! He tells them we're on our way to a funeral and he'll "turn himself in" on our way home. Oddly enough they agree. I'm not sure why they agreed to that, but they did. We went to the funeral and then went to the police station on our way home. Dirty was booked and finger printed and all that stuff and then released. Not sure why, probably becuase it was a misdemeanor?

He got a court date and a lawyer and thought we had taken care of everything. We were making payments on the fines and the damage caused my him kicking the vehicle and Dirty was on probation. It was a big deal because Dirty was ON probabtion, but it was considered a misdemeanor, so the court didn't see it as a big deal. He had to check in every month when he payed his fees, no guns in the house and stay out of trouble. Fairly simple, until he got pulled over and TAKEN to jail last year becuase there was a warrant out for his arrest.

Dirty was working nights and would normally be home around 11pm and when he wasn't I was TRYING not to freak out. I willed myself to not think "my husband is dead" thoughts and go take a shower. I even left my phone in the bedroom, like a big girl. In the 15 minutes it took me to take a shower, he had called about 10 times, all from jail *sigh* Once he got a hold of me, I went into action. Called whoever I needed to call to BAIL my HUSBAND out of jail, called my dad cried to him, got off the phone and threw up in the driveway. I was FREAKING OUT, obviously. We had NO idea why there was a warrant out for him and we getting no information. The warrant was like 6 months old and we NEVER knew about it. We asked many questions, but once again, no answers. We finally bailed him out and made plans to call a lawyer first thing in the morning.

Dirty felt horrible and didn't even want to sleep in the same bed as me. He felt like he had "no right" to be in our family and was a poor example for our kids. I felt horrible for him, I wasn't even mad at him, I just felt bad. I assured him he did deserve to be in our family and we would get through this. And we did. We got a lawyer and did whatever we needed to do to fix this problem (again) so it could be behind us. From there on out, his court fees and such were paid first! There will be NO mistakes on our part so when November 23, 2009 came and he was off probation, we would have NOTHING to worry about.

We paid all of his fines and fees OFF last week, I even have the receipt to prove it. On November 19, Dirty went to the courthouse for the very last time (so we thought) and paid the rest of everything off. He could have gotten an extension, but we had the money then, so we just decided to pay it off, completely. We celebrated that night with a Blazer game and some beer. YAY, he was free! HA! Not even close!

Monday, I was in the kitchen boiling eggs for egg salad sandwiches when 2 police officers come strolling up our driveway. My first thought was "oh shit! I'm missing class tonight because Dirty is going to jail". When they came to the door and asked him Dirty by his first and last name, I knew we were in trouble and we were. They arrested in our LIVING ROOM for a warrant that was issued on the EXACT same day as the day he paid off his fees. The warrant was for probation violation in the amount of what the balance was, the balance that he had JUST paid off a few days ago. The cops were just as confused as were were, but had to do their job. they handcuffed him and led him to the cruiser. The whole time, I'm shaking and showing the cops the receipt that says "balance $0" and asking eleventybillion questions. The cops said it might be a clerical error, but they still have to take him down. So Dirty leaves our house in a POLICE CAR and I fall into roommates chest crying and shaking. I knew we would get it all figured out but WTF?!?! We did everything we were suppose to do! If there were ever an award for best behavior while on probation, Dirty would have gotten it. I know that sounds bad and like I'm grasping at straws or trying to make him sound good, but I'm not. We both know what he did was/is bad and he took responsibility for his actions. Many times, in fact. What he did was wrong and he is a dumbass for doing it. His words not mine, I just nod my head when he says it ;o)

I got to the ATM after he leaves, go to the jail post bail and wait...and wait...and wait some more. The women at the jail who took my money were COMPLETE bitches to me, by the way. I was scared and confused so I my questions may not have made much sense, but for them to treat me like they did was uncalled for.

The "incident" happened in a different county and that's who issued the warrant, so I asked if I needed to contact that county. "Do I need to call Washington County or fax them this receipt or do you do that? I really have no idea what I'm doing here, I'm a little new to this whole 'bail your husband out of jail thing' *nervous laughter* so what is my next step?" Yeah maybe I shouldn't have made a joke, but the other questions were pretty logical, right? I honestly wasn't trying to be a smartass, I just didn't know what to do. The gal, who looked like a toad, said "don't worry about it, they will get your money and if it is an error you will get your money back". She was SO snotty and rude, I had no idea what to say! The $168 it took to bail Dirty out of jail was the LEAST of my concerns. I just wanted to know what to do!

He calls me about 2 hours later because they had FINALLY released him, without a court date *sigh* he was instructed to call Other County the next day and find out when his court date is and to find out exactly what the warrant is for. He did that and he wasn't in their computers! They have NO record of the warrant, him being arrested and as far as their considered, he's off probation, so not their problem anymore.

He hung up totally confused and not knowing what to do next. You can't get arrested and NOT have a court date. Knowing our luck, he'd accept that and then get arrested a month later. He called back and asked more questions and they finally found him and gave him a court date. Whomever was giving him his court date thought the whole thing stupid because he was at THAT courthouse the SAME day the warrant was issued. Apparently someone made a mistake and didn't cross reference his fees or something, we really have no idea.

All we know that in a few weeks, he has to go to court and...then what? The judge might laugh at the absurdity of the whole thing, but we really have no idea. We do have the receipt for the fees being paid off, even thought they SHOULD have that information in their system. We are not taking any chances here, he is bringing ALL of his paperwork to that appointment.

Clearly we had a great week over here, how about you? Seriously though, this sucks, not only because Dirty made a STUPID choice, but also because apparently nobody knows how to subtract?

How is School Going?

2009-11-16T09:21:00.000-08:00

I've been emailed this question a few times and I realized last night that I received SO much support in going back to school, it's only fair to update everyone.

School is going great! I've got all A's and one B! WOOOHOOO!!!! I'm a bit bummed about the B, but I think I can bring that up. If not, I'm happy with a B. Ironically enough, the class I'm getting a B in, is my writing class. The class I walked into thinking was going to be cake. HA! Oh what a naive girl I am, sometimes (all the time). Apparently there is a difference between informal writing (blogs, emails and the like) and formal writing (essays, articles, ya know, the things smart people write). The good part in getting my ego put in it's place, is that I'm learning so much!

When I got my first essay back and it was a C+, I can't even tell you how ashamed and embarrassed I was. It really bothered me for days! I let it bring me down at first, and then I realized, with some help from Dirty, that this is my very FIRST college writing class. It may just be a pre-requisite and not going to my degree (yes, that has been said to me and no I didn't punch the person in the face, even though I should've), but that doesn't mean it isn't hard. I am SO glad that I decided not to take the higher writing class! Even after just three essays, my writing has improved. I'm really proud of my latest essay and I learned so much in between number 1 and number 3. I also had some help in learning a few things, besides going to class. I asked Heather if she would help me edit my paper and she did! When I got her email back, I understood what I was doing wrong. It wasn't just a "here edit my paper for me, so I don't get another C". She helped me, I am so thankful to her for doing that! Thank you SO much, Heather.

The one class I thought I was going to have problems with, was math. But nope! I'm getting a 97% in that class! My instructor is amazing and he explains things so well. I remember why math was my favorite subject in high school. This whole time, I always thought it was because Mr. Gump was my favorite teacher. Turns out, that I'm really good at math. Huh? Who knew?! We took a quiz a few weeks ago and I ACED it! I asked our instructor what my grade would look like after the quiz, he asked what my score was and when I told him it was 100%, he laughed and said it would probably bring my grade up a percent or two and he usually only gets that question when someone bombs a test. WOOOHOOOO! We took another quiz on Thursday and I got one wrong..bum deal. I really wanted to ace another one, oh well I'm still getting a high A!

The rest of my classes are going well. My computer class is a total joke! Not because it's easy, but because the book and the assignments in it are insane. The way the book explains things, is weird. It's all technical and takes you through so many steps. Which is good, but just annoying when I could've done it my way and been done with it 20 minutes ago. Technically I'm not getting an A in the class because there's a certain number of points after you turn everything in at the end of the term. But as of right now I have everything turned in and I've gotten A's on everything. I just need to finish one more chapter and take all my quizzes. Hopefully I'll be done with the class before the end of term. That would free up my Fridays, which would be a nice way to start the weekend.

So all in all, everything is going really well. I'm learning a lot and having a really good time. And as far as I know, my grants and loans are going through. Hopefully they'll pay my tuition soon and I can register for winter term. If not...well I'm not going to think about that right now. I'm going to bask in the glory of getting GREAT grades in COLLEGE! Crazy, I tell ya, just CRAZY!!!!

Three Strikes and You're OUT!

2009-11-15T12:37:00.000-08:00

Amaprincess said something BRILLIANT on Twitter last night and I couldn't agree with her more! She said she was going to give people in her life the "three strikes" rule, it works in baseball, why can't it work in life? I think we've decided she's going to make spread sheets and I'll be sending email notifications informing the offender what strike they're on. Her idea came at a perfect time for me because Peaches should be on her elevenbillionth strike by now.

Peaches has always been a selfish friend, I know this, yet I've continued to be her friend. I figured that me knowing what type of person she is will protect me from the hurt. It only works sometimes, though. Lately I haven't really confided in her about things. I don't see the point because she won't listen to me and she won't give me the support I need. I didn't tell her when I was upset about my mom's birthday, I didn't see the point. I knew I wasn't going to get the kind of support I needed, so why bother? When I got home from class that night and we lit the birthday candles on the cake I made and sang happy birthday, she asked "why are you all singing happy birthday?" Dirty told her it was my mom's birthday, I couldn't say it. I didn't really expect her to remember that it was my mom's birthday, but maybe asking me if I'm ok? When I was cutting the cake she asked me why I didn't say anything. That's her being selfish, again. Instead of just giving me the support I need, she turned it around. It's what she does.

Normally her selfishness doesn't effect me as much as it effects others. I can shrug my shoulders and brush it off as that's who she is. I'm finding it harder and harder to do that, lately. Thursday I got my letter from the college saying my grants have FINALLY come through and I needed to fill out my loan paper work. After class on Friday, WE were suppose to do that. I needed her help because she already filled out her paper work a few months ago. She didn't help me, she took off with one of her friends to return something. I was pissed off and hurt. I took the time to help her out when she was filling out her paper work, but she couldn't do the same for me. I decided to just let it go because being pissed off about it wasn't going to change anything. She had her daughter over here yesterday and we were all going to go the library, return some books and check out new ones. Mostly for something to do and get everyone out of the house. Give poor Dirty a break from all the insanity that us women add to his life. As I was getting ready, she asked how much longer, I told her about 5 minutes. Then her ex husband came over to drop something off for me, and we all started chatting. Next thing I know, her friend pulls up in the driveway. Surprised, I say "Oh Jack is here. What's she here for?" I'm thinking either Jack was going with us, or she was just dropping something off for Peaches. NOPE! Peaches says "Jack wanted me to go to Salem with her and run a few errands." Salem is about 30 minutes away from us, so it wasn't going to be a 5-10 jaunt, it was going to be an all day thing. I ask her "So you're not going to the library with me, then?" "No, you hadn't gotten your shoes on, so I figured we weren't going to go". She asks me if I want a ride and I said "nope" with a bit of an attitude. I was pissed off this time and no amount of convincing myself that this is just who she is was going to make me not pissed off anymore. She made plans with me and because I wasn't moving fast enough for her, she LEFT! Didn't say anything to me about going with someone else or asking me if we were still going, just left! That is rude! I don't care how self absorbed you are, you HAVE to know that is rude!

I stewed about it for the rest of the evening, trying to get over it. When she got home, I was still kind of pissy and acted as such toward her. Instead of apologizing to me for ditching me, she asked if I was going to be pissy for the rest of the night or draw it out for the next few days. This is where I should have taken the high road, but didn't. I told her "I think I'm just going to draw it out for the next few days" and walked away. Wasn't one of my prouder moments, but well deserved nonetheless. As of right now, we haven't talked much.

I'd like to be able to just get over this and move on, but I'm not sure I can. I've given her so many "chances" and made excuses for her behavior, I don't think I can do it anymore. I think I'll have Amaprincess draw her up a spread sheet or buy her a book on manners. In the mean time, I think I'll keep my emotions to myself. No more depending on Peaches for anything.

I think I need a Little Help

2009-11-13T10:36:00.000-08:00

The children were out of school almost all week due to conferences, it's been a crazy, rainy, few days. Nae didn't need us to talk to her teachers, she's doing great and none of her teachers have any concerns with her or her work. Zilla on the other hand *sigh* he is STILL struggling. He reads really well when someone is there with him MAKING him stay focused, independent reading, not so much. He is having a really hard time staying focused in school. Not just in reading, but in everything. His teacher says he tends to space off, he does the same at home. I told his teacher, we're willing to do anything to get him over this hurdle. She did give me some tips and I think we will have a meeting with the literacy program at his school, but in the mean time, what do I do?! He doesn't get frustrated to the point that he'll check out and stop reading or give up, but I'm afraid that's coming. He really wants to learn and enjoys school, I'd like to keep it that way. He loves books and always has loved books. It's just hard to keep him focused. I don't know if it's because he's a "younger 6" or it's just him. I see why boys tend to start kindergarten later, now. There's nothing I can do about starting him at 5, rather then 6 and I doubt we'll (teacher included) hold him back this year, so that's good. His teacher feels pretty confident that if we can get him over this hurdle, he'll picks things up a lot faster. She feels that he'll be at reading level by then end of the year. Right now he is at a 4, almost a 5 and should be at a 5. He's really close, so I know we're making progress. He needs to be at a 14 by the end of the year and that goal just seems so far off. He does have a lot going for him, so it wasn't ALL bad news yesterday.

He is a great student, despite driving his teacher crazy with his spacing off, so she says. Does ANYONE have any tips, ideas, advice, ANYTHING to give me? I'm willing to try anything, well almost. We're going to give him more chores at home in the hopes that he'll learn to stay focused on something and get it done. It may be a long shot, but it's worth a try. I want him to do well in school, obviously, but I really want him to have confidence in his reading and writing. It seems that this has been a struggle since day one and every time I think we have a handle on it, I find out we don't. I honestly have no idea what the hell I'm doing here. I'm really trying to help him, but I don't think I'm doing it right. I don't have any tools to help him because I've never experienced this. So I'm turning to all of you. Help please! Thank you!

That Sucked and I'm Glad It's Over

2009-11-04T19:48:00.000-08:00

Monday was harder then I thought it was going to be. Why is it always harder then I think it's going to be? One would think, I'd KNOW how hard these days will be. I guess, I just don't ever expect the sadness to overtake me as it does. I have no control over it and it totally 100% completely sucks!

I made her a cake and it turned out so good. I was really afraid it wasn't going to turn out and then I'd be devastated! It was suppose to be a pumpkin roll, but I didn't have a big enough jelly pan, so I poured the batter in two pie tins. It worked perfectly! The cake was really moist and the frosting was delicious. After the cake cooled and the frosting was made, I sat down at the kitchen table to frost it and proceeded to cry my eyes out. I was fine at first, enjoying the smell of the cake and the frosting. Then, all of the sudden the thoughts crept into my head. Those ugly thoughts that always make me cry. All I could think was "I shouldn't be doing this. This great cake should not be a memory cake. She should be here to eat it with me." I know me making my mom a cake on her birthday is a celebration of the great woman she was and the life she had, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. As I was frosting the cake, it felt just so sad. I finished it and puttered around the house for the rest of the afternoon. I went to class early to finish up some stuff and struggled through the whole three hours. I almost lost it during class. Goddess that would have been bad! My eyes got hot, my skin started tingling, it felt like it took me hours to gain composure, but in reality it was probably minutes if not seconds. I don't think anyone noticed, if they did, nobody said anything. THANK YOU UNIVERSE! When I got home, we lit the candles and sang happy birthday.

After I got home, everything just hit me! I turned into a zombie. I was in a fog and I couldn't get out of it. I think I ate when I came home, but I don't remember. I know I watched something with Dirty and took a bath and cried in the tub. Sad and pathetic, I know. I went to bed and must have either had sad dreams all night long or cried in my sleep because when woke up my eyes hurt so bad. Tuesday was worse then Monday. I was a zombie for the whole day. I just sat on the couch and stared off into space, all day. Dirty suggested I stay home from class. He felt me forcing myself to learn new things, was only going to make my head hurt worse and possibly cause me to go into a tailspin. I felt differently, I told him "I've got to learn to deal with this. Life can't stop just because I'm sad or I miss my mom. Unfortunately life doesn't work like that." We finally came to a compromise. I'd go to math class, then come home. I wouldn't go to my other class. I felt like I was kind of being irresponsible, but on the other hand that class is SO boring and I'd be in my head the whole time. The thought of crying in class was so terrifying, that I chose to stay home. It was a good choice because I cried off and on all day long, even after I got home from my math class. I told Peaches if I ran out of class, that she had to grab my stuff for me. She agreed. It's good to have a partner in crime throughout this whole college gig.

I did make dinner, but was a total zombie. I took another bath because I just couldn't focus on anything. It helped a bit, but I was pretty much useless for the rest of the evening. We went to bed and Dirty just held me. I didn't cry again, but did fall asleep right away. I woke up this morning feeling better. The emotional fog was gone, as was my headache. I still feel a little lingering emotions over the whole thing, but its over with and I did an OK job with it. Skipping out on class might not have been the most responsible thing to do, but it was definitely the best thing I could do for my mental health.

The most frustrating part of the whole thing is the loss of control. I have NO control over these emotions. I can't control them, I can't make them come at a convenient time, nor came I make them go away when they do come. All I can do is surrender myself to them and allow myself to process them. The plus side is that since I didn't really fight it this time, it only lasted two days. The last time it lasted more then that. I guess that's progress, right?

Up next, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the anniversary of her death. That's going to be REALLY hard. I don't even know what to do on that day. It's not like I can make a cake or something. I went to our church last year, not sure if I can do that again, this year. Guess we'll find out *sigh* the only easy day was yesterday....

Thank you for all the kind words on Monday. I felt all the good vibes and they did help a lot. I don't even want to think how I would be without all of you. Thank you!

Happy Birthday, Mom.

2009-11-02T08:54:00.001-08:00

My little sister, my beautiful mom, handsome dad, and myself at my older sister's wedding. That was such a fun day and a great memory.

My parents at one of their MANY Halloween parties. Yes, that's my mom grabbing my dad's breast...lol!

She would be almost 70 today. I would probably have sent her flowers or we would be going up there this coming weekend. Instead, I'll bake a cake or something a sing her a little song. I knew this day was coming up, how could I forget? And I just kind of pushed it to the back of my mind, thinking I'll deal with it later. Well, it's later. Here I am sorting through these damn emotions again *sigh* It is better, so that's a plus, right? I'm not scared of falling into the Pit of Despair....improvement my friends. No matter how small these steps are, they are still steps.

As much as I would like to crawl into my bed and just be with my sad thoughts today, I know that isn't best for me. So I'll bake her cake today, shed a tear and move on with my day. Not because I have to, but because I know she would want me to. I know she doesn't want me stewing in my grief, plus it isn't healthy for me. I'll sing her a song and then blow out the candles, wishing I wasn't doing it alone, but knowing she is here still.

Mom,
I love and miss you more then I can ever put into words. I miss calling you just because. I miss hearing your voice. I miss smelling your "mom scent". But most of all I miss hearing "I love you". I hope you're celebrating with your mom and brother today. Know even though you're missed terribly, you're never forgotten.
~DC

If I'm Going Down...

2009-10-30T10:57:00.000-07:00

I'm going to go down with a FIGHT! Lately, I've been feeling as if going to school is a waste of time. I know it isn't, but all this time I'm spending away from my family is rough on me. It isn't so much that I'm away from them all the time, yeah Tuesdays suck, but that's only one day a week. It's that Dirty and I went into this with the idea of me going to school was going to supplement our income. He wouldn't get another job and he wold stay home with the kids.He'd draw his unemployment until he couldn't anymore and then when that ended, we would have my financial aid to fall back on. We would even have a few months where we could get BOTH. My financial aid and grant money would just sit in the bank and we would live off his unemployment. Sounds like a pretty responsible plan, right? Well no, it isn't. Because I haven't gotten ONE dime from ANYBODY! AND to top it off, I have a pretty $2,000 bill with my name on it at the school. This should be paid in December when I get my grant money, but this was suppose to be paid before I started school.

I've called financial aid many times and have been told that my application will be processed at the end of October. Well here it is, then end of October and I haven't heard shit from anyone. I need to register fro winter term in a few weeks, but I won't be able to do that until financial aid pays my FALL term. And if they don't pay for that, then I can't register for winter term and I'm screwed for my grants and loans for the rest of the year. I've held up my end of the bargain this whole time. I've gone to every one of my classes and I'm getting an A in everyone, yet I still feel as if I'm getting screwed. What the hell am I going to do if this term doesn't get paid for? I don't get the credits I've earned and I really did waste my time. All this time away from the kids and Dirty will be for nothing. The field trips I've missed, the volleyball games I've missed, all of it...a waste of time!

I'm going to talk to my campus today and see what I can do because I really have no clue. I'm going to apply for every scholarship I can find in the hopes of SOMETHING good coming my way. I'm going to try not to stress about this, but it isn't going to be easy. I can't get it out of my head. I can't stop thinking about the worse case scenario. Which is I have to drop out and I screw myself for the rest of the year *sigh* Please send me some vibes, I could really use them. Just some calming vibes, some clarity ones too. ANYTHING!

Puttin a Call Out For a Friend

2009-10-25T23:37:00.000-07:00

Phoebe from Tales from the Phoenix posted about some meds that she's in need of. If anyone out there has ANY of these meds, can you please contact her through her blog?! Or if you possibly know someone who has some meds to donate?

Phoebe is a very special woman to me. She has helped pull me out of my grief hole many times. She understands what I've gone through better then I understand it sometimes. If this blog post can help her in anyway, then I'm down! So, lets get the phone tree ringing, the emails flowing and start asking around, please!

Have a wonderful week!

Touchy

2009-10-22T10:48:00.000-07:00

**WARNING! THIS IS A VERY 'POOR POOR ME' POST. I'M JUST HAVING ONE OF THOSE DAYS***

My MIL just sent this to me and I cried as I read it. I've had a case of The Grumps since last night. I couldn't quite figure out why I was being so pissy and having this inner dialog telling everyone to fuck off, but I was. I wasn't being TOO bitchy on the outside, but on the inside, I really just wanted everyone to leave me alone. Don't ask me for anything, cook your own damn dinner, don't talk to me about your computer game, don't have an endless conversation with me about your boyfriend, because really, I could care less about EVERYTHING! But if I talk and am not listened to, I pouted. I seriously pouted *sigh* last night and this morning have no been pretty.

Then I read that email and I was like "HA! That's IT! Nobody understands me, I'm being taken for granted" blah blah blah, whine, whine, cry, feel sorry for myself. Then I kept reading and was like "shit! I'm being crabby for no reason then just being crabby. Nobody has done anything to make me feel this way!" My family and the *coughmanycough* people that live here are NOT mind readers. If I'm feeling like things are getting to be a bit too much around here, I need to speak up. If I'm feeling crowded or being asked too many things, I can delegate! It really is OK! Dirty is MORE then capable of doing stuff around here, too. BUT...just because he doesn't do them like I do, doesn't mean it isn't "right". Hey, it's getting done, right? Right! Nobody runs this house like I do and that, my friends is just fine! This girl needs to speak up more and stop talking to herself so much. Obviously...is isn't working :-|

If you read the little story below, change the situation if you'd like to make it "work" for you. But it's a good read, it woke me up. Or just pass on it and tell me to STFU and quit being a whinny brat, because that works, too ;o)

Invisible Mother....

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.

Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'

Obviously, not.

No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going; she's going; she is gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England ..

Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in.

I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself.

I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.'

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe ..

I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:

'To My Dear Friend, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:

No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.

These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.

They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.

The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.

It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life.

It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're going to love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right.

And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Getting The Kinks Out.

2009-10-20T11:36:00.000-07:00

Oooohhhh just THINK of all the crazy hit I'll get with THAT title! *evil laugh*

Now that we're in the full swing of me going to school, the kinks are starting to pop out and get worked out. It's all been trial and error thus far. We've been in situations such as these, but not to this extent. It's becoming stressful for everyone involved, this balancing act we're doing. I'm not as home as much, which we obviously knew was going to happen, but what we didn't expect was that feelings were going to get hurt. We were prepared for the children to act up or out, suffer in school possibly, or be clingy to either Dirty or myself. We prepared the house hold chores, the cooking duties and separating homework time from family/computer time etc. BUT what we didn't prepare ourselves for was the lack of quality time and the stress it's causing between Dirty and myself.

It's not that we aren't focused on each other, but not as much as we were. We use to have all day to spend time together, now I feel as if I have to "schedule" it in. And it sucks, A LOT! Tuesdays are the worst and as much as I tell myself "suck it up, accept it, it won't be like this forever" it isn't working. Tuesdays go to math class (which I'm getting an A in AND I got an A on the test w00tz!!) from 3-5 then I have another class from 6-9. I'm pretty much gone all evening long. I usually only see Zilla in the morning, but that doesn't really count because coffee hasn't been consumed and he's not fully awake. I get home a little after 9, give him a kiss if he's awake and that's it. I get to spend an hour with Nae before she goes to bed, so that's good. But what about time with the husband? I feel like our time together is always being scheduled. It's in between homework, before bed, before taking the children to school, picking them up, or before Nae's volleyball games. It's like there's always SOMETHING to do. Dinner has to be made, homework needs to be done, laundry needs to be done, and of course sleep. By the time it's bedtime, we both crash. Not only because we're tired, but because it feels like we're running around and stressed out because of it.

Marriage is work, that I've known forever and it's true. Nobody has the "perfect" relationship, but adding in a bunch of stress makes things harder. I know this is all part of the "school package" but I just wasn't prepared for it. I didn't prepare to miss my husband so much. I didn't prepare that he would miss me so much. I took for granted all the times we did nothing because we had all day to spend together.

I love spending time with Dirty, he's truly my best friend. And I miss the times we'd sit around all day or walk around Lowe's because we were bored. I know I'm being a bit over dramatic here, but it's how I feel right now. Mostly because I'm not a fan of Tuesdays. Although, we do have a bit of a plan in place as of today. I won't go to class early, go with him to pick up Zilla and then they'll drop me off at school. We might not be able to do this every week, but this week we can and I'm grateful for the few extra minutes I'm going to get to spend with Zilla and Dirty.

Time Management, I've Got It, I think?

2009-10-10T11:53:00.000-07:00

So far, I think I'm doing fairly well with time management. I haven't yet feel pressured for time to get things done. I am able to do a lot of studying at the school, either before classes or in between classes. I've been able to get my homework done way before it's due and I tackled my first math test on Thursday. I was one of the last people done because I was anal about checking my answers no less then three times. I checked every answer AS I got it, I checked them all when I was done and THEN checked them after that. I didn't have to make any corrections, so I'm assuming I did well on it. I felt like I did well, so that counts for something, right?

My writing class is so interesting! Not only because I love writing. I'm not learning as much as I would hoped, but I am finding the courage to expand upon my writing. The essay I'm writing is about my mom's funeral. I didn't intend on it being about that day, but that's where it ended up. It's a pretty powerful essay, so far and it can only get better. It's by no means perfect, but it isn't bad, either. I haven't let anyone read it, yet. I'm nervous. We are in groups of three and four and on Monday is when someone, other then myself will read it. EEK!

I did bring a little infertility knowledge to my first class, though! I was very proud of myself and thought of all my AMAZING bloggy friends. Our instructor asked us what we were proud of and wanted us to tell the class a little something about ourselves. I said I was proud of my determination not to give up on adding to our family after 5 years of trying. Then one of the essays in our book dealt with human cloning and they said "implanted an embryo", I said "actually you can't IMPLANT and embryo, it can only be TRANSFERRED." HA! Take the people how don't know what you're talking about! I even made a note of it in the book. The next student that gets that book is gonna wonder WTF I was doing, but I'm spreading the word, DAMMIT!

Anyway, so far school is going well. I haven't felt to overwhelmed, but that could change at any time. Things at home are going well. Nobody seems to be adversely affected about my going back to school. Our sex life has suffered a bit, but I can't blame that solely on school. We have all been battling this Death Cold and are ALL wiped! Dirty and I have suffered the most. We don't have the luxury of being catered to when sick. We can't just lay in bed all day like the children can. Plus they tend to bounce back quicker. Damn them!

Flying Monkeys gave me an award! Thanks, love! I know that over the summer, a few bloggers gave me awards and I didn't accept them. I'm truly sorry about that. I have no excuses as to why, I'm just sorry. I will be a better receiver of awards, if I get any more :o) Here's the run down...

Here are the rules for the Over The Top Award:

USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best. (I say parenthetical thoughts don't count!)
Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know that you think they are 'Over the Top'!

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk

2.Your hair? Straight

3. Your mother? Everywhere

4. Your father? Sisters

5. Your favorite food? Cheese

6. Your dream last night? None
7. Your favorite drink? Coffee (or beer or tequila and vodka or...)

8. Your dream/goal? RN

9. What room are you in? Family (room)

10. Your hobby? Blogging

11. Your fear? Failure

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Degreed ;o)

13. Where were you last night? Home (ahhh sweet sweet home)

14. Something that you aren’t? Tall

15. Muffins? Cranberry

16. Wish list item? Laptop

17. Where did you grow up? Oregon

18. Last thing you did? Tweeted

19. What are you wearing? PJ's

20. Your TV? Music

21. Your pets? Turtle

22. Friends? Fewer

23. Your life? Content

24. Your mood? Calm

25. Missing someone? Always

26. Vehicle? White (and old)

27. Something you’re not wearing? Bra (oooohh same here!)

28. Your favorite store? Coach!!!

29. Your favorite color? Pink

30. When was the last time you laughed? Today (but yesterday I got the giggles in computer class)

31. Last time you cried? Weeks

32. Your best friend? Hubby

33. One place that I go to over and over? School

34. One person who emails me regularly? Jules (Musgy, MIL, dad...)

35. Favorite place to eat? Olive Garden *drooling*

I can't tag anyone for this because I've seen this on quite a few blogs already. If you haven't been tagged and want to do it, have it! Let me kn ow so I can read it, please.

I Got Through Week One

2009-10-04T11:00:00.000-07:00

Not only did I get through the week, I got through it with The Death Cold. Seriously, this thing sucks! Thankfully I didn't get it until Thursday and it didn't get bad until Friday.

My Monday class is writing class and I love this class! I found it pretty easy, but it was a nice review. I did learn some new things. I don't know if I'll actually use them, but it's still early. Our first assignment was to do a free-write on something that brought up emotions. We did an exercise in class and are suppose to write our paper off of that. It didn't take me very long to write it, but I think I'll rewrite it. I think I can add more details to it. She said she wasn't going to look at them and it's just for us, but I'd like to add more detail, as I think it'll make a better story.

Tuesdays is math and "effective learning". Math last week SUCKED! Apparently I tested into a higher math class then I should've, because it took me about 9 hours to do Tuesday's homework. I read chapters, re-read chapters, checked my answers in the back of the book, worked the answer backwards to figure out how the hell I got that answer and it STILL took me forever. I missed Nae's volleyball game, dinner, and family time because I was working all day on this crap. Finally, I got it done around 8:30pm and CRASHED! Dirty put me to bed and as I was falling asleep, I decided I was going to talk to my instructor. There is NO WAY she is wanting us to have 9 hours of homework for ONE class. And we have this class twice a week. And I was right. She said it should've have taken MAYBE an hour to do the assignment. Clearly I was in the wrong math class. I begged the instructor in the lower class to let me in and he did. Thank Goddess! So, Thursday, I was sitting in the lower math class and I knew EXACTLY what I was doing! OMG it was such a relief! I had a moment of feeling like a dumbass, but then he explained that this math class is what high schools were teaching junior/senior year when a lot of us were in school. So, while I may not be a math genius, I'm also not a COMPLETE idiot, either. I did two nights of homework and it took me MAYBE an hour to finish. That's MUCH better!

Effective Learning is going to teach me how to study properly, how to take notes, how to take tests, and teach us what type of learner we are. Are we left or right brained? It's a pretty interesting class, actually. It'll be awfully difficult to fail, too. BONUS!

Wednesday is my free day. I'll probably spend part of this day in the computer lab for our computer class because I don't have Office 2007. I'm waiting on this until I get my laptop. I'll also do my math homework and my writing on Wednesdays.

Thursdays, I've got math again and that's it. I'll be able to do my homework for math after class and any leftovers from writing.

Then Friday I have my computer class. This class, seems pretty easy too. So far! If we don't have any questions or need to talk to our instructor, we don't have to show up for the class. Most of everything is through our e-learning website though the college. We also have to take tests online, but there's a book we can do the test with first. There's a time limit when we take it online, so we can look anything up with the book and then take it online before the deadline.

Other then The Death Cold, the first week wasn't that difficult. Dirty is doing great with dinners and the household chores. The children seem to be adjusting well, so far. I know it's the first week and all of this could change, but as of right now, it's not as overwhelming as I thought it was going to be.

I'm really enjoying all of my classes and getting into this new routine. I'm taking the time to get my homework done and going to bed when I need to. Hopefully, my cold will clear up soon and things will continue to be doable.

Thanks for all the support and the good thoughts. I felt them all week. I really appreciate it!

Passing on THE Torch

2009-09-27T23:04:00.001-07:00

I'm going to make SUCH a big deal out of Dirty taking over the house hold duties! I'm going to give him the mop, a rag, or maybe the toilet brush and tell him "have fun!" Then I'm going to skip off to my first COLLEGE class. I'm pretty sure he won't think it's as funny as I do, but I'll get a kick out of it. I've been giggling like a school girl since I thought of this BRILLIANT idea, this morning. *sigh* it's the small things that crack me up!

After a craptacular Tuesday, the rest of the week was great. Until Thursday night when Nae spiked a fever. We kept her home from school Friday and the poor kid was miserable. She had a fever off and on for three days (mostly on). We've been fever free for over 24 hours! YAY! Apparently when one of my kids get sick, I go dumb. I can give anyone advice on a sick child or a sick spouse, but when it hits close to me, my brain turns to mush. I knew I needed to give Nae something for her fever, cough, and body aches, but I didn't want to drug her up TOO much. I wanted her to sleep it off, just not with a sweatshirt on and under her comforter. I ended up giving her Nyquil and Advil (not at the same time. I'm dumb, but not THAT dumb). Once again, Sassy Pie came to my rescue. She helped me out a lot. As did Fertility Chick S assy Cupcakes, Mom Files, Wise Guy, Ali, Suzy, (and anyone else I forgot) for sending get well wishes to Nae. Thanks ladies, ya'll rock!

Anyway, since Nae was feeling better today, I cleaned the cooties out of EVERYTHING! I washed bedding, swept, mopped, scrubbed toilets (NASTY), and vacuumed. The laundry is done and the house is sparkling. I even had time to go for a run, cook dinner , shower AND do my hair today. I somehow managed my time very well. Proof that I can do this whole "go to college in my 30's" thing. I think they key is to stay focused and away from my computer. I looked at it longingly from across the room, many times today.

Tomorrow is a whole new ball game. I've got the meals planned out for Dirty. He knows when to pick up what child from which school or practice. Not that he didn't know that already, but still. Hopefully tomorrow will go smoothly. It's going to be really strange to be away from all of them two nights a week. I won't be here for dinner and I won't see Nae much Mondays and Tuesdays. I'll make it home JUST in time to put Zilla to bed, so that's a plus. But on Cub Scout nights, I won't see him much, either. They will be just fine, this I know, but I worry. I'm sure I'll miss them more then they miss me. I'll walk in the door and they'll say "oh you were gone?" ;o)

I get my books in the morning tomorrow and find out what room my classes are in. I'm VERY excited. I can't wait to look through the books. I'm sure I'll be sick of them by the end of term, but right now I just want to crack em open! People keep asking me if I'm nervous. I'm really not. Some one said to me Saturday "are you nervous about walking into that classroom? That was the biggest thing for me. I had to MAKE myself walk into that classroom full of 20-something year olds." Ummm, thanks for asking? I'm not really nervous at all. I've got "first day of school" jitters, but me being in my 30's and going back to school, really doesn't mean anything to me. I don't see it as a big deal. Maybe because my Dad and MIL went to school as an adult? I just don't really see it as a big deal. Maybe that will change when I walk in there, but right now, I'm feeling really good about the whole thing. I, also, don't really care what anyone else thinks about me going back to school in my 30's. It's a great thing!

I'll do my best to keep track of everything, but I really have no idea what my homework load will be. So, if I'm missing, ya'll know why.

THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING! I'M REALLY GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!

Thank you so much for all the encouraging words. Each and every one of them means so much to me. I'll be taking all ya'll with me to class ;o)