Jun 20, 2008

Over analyzing isn't as much fun as one might think...

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 0 friends have commented
I have this nasty habit of over anaylizing EVERYTHING. I get in my head when I'm doing mundane tasks. I think about conversations I've had and I go over every little thing that was said between both parties. I think about what the other person said and what I said and what I SHOULD have said but didn't because I was too concerned about their feelings. I'm begninng to think that this only benefits everyone BUT me! I think if I said exactly what was on my mind, I would feel less crazy in my head. I would feel like the situation was resolved. Even if it wasn't a "bad" situation. I NEED to speak my mind more often. I NEED to tell others EXACTLY what I think and what is going on in my head. It may not make them feel so great, but in the end the friendships/relatonships will be stronger because nothing is not being said. Everything is out in the open. That's how things should be. I shouldn't have to comfort others and feel resentful toward them because I feel it isn't fair. I have feelings myself. My feelings and wants matter just as much as anybody else's. I'm not a martyer and I shouldn't act as such. I have NO right to put myself on the back burner for anyone ALL the time. Being a friend, a good person, or a caring person is just fine, but I don't get to put my feelings aside all the time. I wouldn't allow anyone in my life to do that, so why should I allow myself to do it?

Slowly, I am realizing this. Slowly I am letting others know how I am feeling and thinking. One day, I will be an actual adult and say EXACTLY what is on my mind! Soon this day will come....

Jun 16, 2008

Just like that...POOF, she's gone

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 2 friends have commented

We had a pretty good week of bonding time last week. She was very sick and I played nurse. I didn't mind. I know I'm the only person, well was, she can open up to like that. It was the perfect way to say good bye before we were surrounded by our friends and I had to share her with everyone.

A lot of people feel that she takes advantage of me and our friendship. To which I say, "I agree to a point but you don't know her like I know her". Sounds like an excuse, but it's the truth. I KNOW she's a stubborn, selfish friend. But in a case such as this, where I am hurting shouldn't their opinions be put aside? Shouldn't I be asked if I am OK, instead of having to defend our friendship? Why do I have to put my opinions aside and make sure my friends are OK, when nobody is doing the same for me? I feel, no I am PISSED OFF!

I don't care what you think about her. I don't care if you think she's a heartless bitch, or anything like that! All I care about it that MY best friend of 11 years is gone. No, she's not dead. She is only 3 hours away, but seriously, when am I going to see her? Life happens. I don't have the luxury of jumping in the car and driving 3 hours to go see her. Nor does she. That's just the way it is. Yeah, it sucks, but that's the way it is. Nothing I can do about it. So here I am, left to nurse my sadness, hurt feelings, and the void I have all on my own. That's not very fair. No, that's not even a LITTLE bit fair!

Maybe I've FINALLY learned my lesson. The only people I can count on are not my friends. Maybe they *some* are just incapable of giving back what I give to them. I don't expect a lot, just a kind word and an act of selflessness. Maybe a phone call, text message asking how I'm doing. A hug or maybe to not leave the going away party early because you felt "left out". Hell even Matt gave me a little pep talk. He and Rose haven't been the best of friends in a LONG time. They tolerate each other for me. He told me the day she left "I'm sorry your sad and I'm sorry I'm not as compassionate as I could be, but I am her for you. I will listen to you talk or hold you while you cry and make you laugh". That's Matt speak for "She was good to you and I know you'll miss her". He did pretty good. I appreciated it. It was nice to know he cared about how I was feeling even though he may have been glad to see her gone ;o)

*sigh* Oh well, lesson learned. I'll put this info in the vault and use to for any future situations where it might come in handy.

Jun 4, 2008

Am I doing the right thing?

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 2 friends have commented
We are talking about moving. Matt works in Beaverton and the gas prices are WAY out of control! We are spending WAY too much money a month on gas. We've talked about options to off set the cost of gas, but it comes down to; we just live too far from his work. So the decision to move is a good one, it is the right choice. I know this. For us to get somewhat ahead, this is what we have to do. I can go on and on about the pros of moving and how it's better for our family, but it in the end it simply boils down to..... I don't want to move to Beaverton. I'm not opposed tot he town per se, I am however opposed to the schools. I enjoy living in the city. I am more of a city girl then a country girl. I enjoy being able to walk down to Starbucks, or any shops close to us. I think Beaverton is a GREAT town. there are really cool places to go and it's A LOT closer to everyone then McMinnville is. BUT once again it comes down to the children.

Beaverton schools are bigger then any other schools we've been in. Nae starts middle school in the fall and I am SO afraid of putting her in a bigger school. Middle school and high school are hard enough on children, add a new bigger school to it, makes me sick to my stomach with worry. I am a firm believer that when a parent is involved in their child's education, it makes all the difference in the world, but is this going to be enough? Am I going to be able to be involved as much as I want to be. I know I have to cut back a bit on my volunteering next year, no child wants their mom hanging around when they are going to middle school. How embarrassing!!!!

I'm not as worried about Zilla as I am about Nae. No mater what we do, move or not, Zilla's life is going to change. I just hope we are making the right choice for our family.

I know there is nothing I can do about the gas prices, but wishing for some kind of miracle to fall into my lap isn't that far fetched either ;o)

I'm throwing caution to the wind and making this huge move with A LOT of reservations. I've resigned myself to it. I know it has to be done, but I am still wishing for a miracle. I'm either wishing for a GREAT job to fall into my lap, gas prices to go back down to $.99/gallon, winning the lotto, OR Matt getting the biggest fattest raise ever! Since I am sure neither of those are going to happen, we are moving. We will be able to over come any obstacles that come our way because we are a family and that's what families do.

Jun 2, 2008

The things we do for our friends....

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 0 friends have commented

I love my friends and I would and do almost anything for them. I've realized there is such a thing as doing TOO much and I try not to spread myself so thin. I'm not their mother, I am their friend.

Rose is leaving in a few weeks and I am doing ok with it. It will be an adjustment, not being able to walk down the hall, plop on her bed and talk about anything. I am helping her prepare for the move, as well as helping her boyfriend prepare for her to move in. It's a big deal! She's scared and nervous about the whole thing. She's quitting her job to move in with him and will be depending on him for EVERYTHING. In order for her to NOT freak out about him buying everything from shampoo to deodorant for her until she gets a job, I am letting him know what she uses. My thought was that if he has all her "stuff" there for her when she moves in, she won't be able to feel like she's asking him for her necessities. He thought it was a GREAT idea and is accepting all the help I am offering. It's a bit therapeutic for me. It's steps in order for me to "let her go". I know she'll appreciate it and she won't have to "ask" him for her needed items.

I'm trying to make plans with our other friend and try to get something planned so we can all say "good bye" to each other. Last summer the 3 of us were inseparable.
We did EVERYTHING together. Things changed and the 2 of them aren't as close as they use to be. I tired to talk to our other friend *Sarah* about doing something last night and her response was troubling for me. She doesn't see very concerned that Rose is leaving in less then 2 weeks. I questioned her about it and my confusion grew that much more. She said Rose has changed and she doesn't feel as close to her as she once did. She had told me the other day that she is the type of person to give the shirt off her back to her worst enemy, if that's the case, then why are you not willing to bend a little or even care that Rose is leaving? Her answer to this was "don't guilt trip me". "I'm NOT giving you a guilt trip, I'm just wondering why you give someone who treats you like crap and stomps all over you and your feelings over and over again, chance after chance, but I tell you Rose is leaving and you seem to not care". I didn't really get an answer to my question. Maybe this is a bigger deal for me then it is for her. Maybe she has feelings for this other person who treats her so badly and that's why she continues to go back to the friend. Maybe it's ok for certain people to treat her like crap and others not. I have no idea! All I know is that my best friend of almost 11 years is leaving in less then 2 weeks and a kind word from my other best friend would be nice. I COULD be asking for too much, but I don't care! I deserve to have a kind word or 2 thrown in my direction. I've done it to Sarah MANY times. I can make up so many excuses for behavior, but in the end it comes down to being a friend. A friend should put their feelings aside, if not only for a few minutes, to give another friend support. I've done it and I do not think it's too much to ask that she does.
I'm sure this "rough patch" will end and we'll be fine again, but in the mean time I am wondering, "why"?

I can fool myself and say that Rose and I will be able to see each other often, but I don't want to live in a fantasy world. As much fun as that would be, it'll make it harder to face reality when I have no choice but to face it. We'll have to make adjustments to our friendship. I hope we can do it. I'm willing to put in the work to make the changes and make our friend survive the distance, but is she? In the end, I'll sacrifice myself and feelings for her happiness and realize that maybe it wasn't meant to be. If that's needed, of course. I love her and our friendship has had it's ups and downs, but what friendship after 11 years hasn't?

Only time will tell......

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