Apr 29, 2010

Sugar Doll

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 8 friends have commented
Well that was annoying..apparently Blogger won't let me add pictures to me blog directly from my computer anymore. Anyway....

Kristin gave me an award! WOOOHOOO thanks doll! This is perfect because I have eleventy billion things bouncing around in my head but none of them are related. Here is The Low Down of what I am suppose to do.... I have to say 10 things about myself and then I need to give this award to 10 fellow bloggers

1) I have a secret that I've only told a few people but I'm going to spill my guts here. It isn't THAT much of a secret, but it's huge to me. I want to be a nurse (that's not it) but I don't want to be just any nurse, I want to be a fertility nurse! I believe I have the ability to do it, I'm just unsure of the logistics of it. The closest clinic to me is about an hour away. The biggest hospital for training is almost 2 hours away. I might end up going to nursing school there, anyhow so it might be a doable goal. Only time will tell, but there it is. It's finally out in the open. I'm both terrified and excited!

2) When Dirty has his anxiety attacks, I have to confess I have thoughts in my head that aren't very nice or supportive. I never say them out loud and I know I am entitled to my thoughts, but I still feel bad for having them.

3) When someone else cleans my kitchen, it takes everything I have to thank them. They live here too, why do I need to thank them for cleaning up after themselves?

4) I am a HORRIBLE house keeper! I'm not even exaggerating when I say this, my house is usually a disaster of unfolded laundry and school books laying around. You don't even want to know the state of my kitchen floors and bathroom, it's embarrassing.

5) My children and 13 and 6 and I STILL check to see if they're breathing ever night.

6) I go out with my friends usually once a week and despite being told many times I should stay at home with my family because apparently I'm not allowed to have a life outside my home, I enjoy it and always have a good time.

7) When I do go out with my friends, I am usually with more men than women and sometimes I get a ride from a man(!) Walking into wherever we end up with another man this isn't my husband causes a lot of whispers and I get way TOO much enjoyment out of it.

8) I am LOVING my Human Sexuality class. I've read more chapters in that book than I need to, but it's SO interesting!

9) I've never mowed a lawn in my life! I always told Dirty that I'd mow the lawn if we got a house, looks like I might have to mow a lawn this summer. Which I won't mind because that means WE'LL HAVE A HOUSE!!!

10) I have decided that pay a little bit more for clothing is worth it. I've gotten 2 shirts and a dress at WalMart and all of the have a hole in the seem. ANNOYING!

Alright, now who to pass it on to....

JellieBraden. I met this BEAUTIFUL woman on twitter and her blog is AMAZING, as are her tweets! Go check her out.
WannaBeMom. Another BEAUTIFUL woman I met on twitter. She just started a blog, go check it out! She is a wonderful, supportive friend!
Sass. She is in the dreaded two week wait right now. She could use a lot of distraction, and as always some love.
Kristal. Her oldest just had her 15th birthday, go over and wish her a happy birthday!
Heather. She is having a hell of a week! She told me yesterday that she was so bored, she was thinking about eating her own face. I reminded her how much of a mess that would be, thankfully she changed her mind.
Raelene. Not only is she AWESOME and totally deserves this award, but she lives in an amazing town that rallied for their neighbors. the story is both heartbreaking and heart warming.
Jamie. She needs to be flooded with love right now. Plus she gave me her phone number! I can now stalk her..YAY!!!
Ellen. Obviously she's awesome, but her last post was a cliff hanger! Soooo not cool. hopefully this will get her blogging again ;o)
Gabby! She won't have time to write anything because she just had her babies! Go over and give her a hug!
Katiepie. She is awesome, amazing, AND beautiful. she's going through some MAJOR stuff right now and could use something to make her smile.

Thanks again, Kristin, I really appreciate it!

**not sure why my spell check decided to KEEP the words highlighted, but it did.**
*And now Heather fixed it*

Apr 27, 2010

Negativity Breeds Negativity

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 7 friends have commented
I don't hold the key to happiness nor do I know what it is. What works for some, might not work for me and vise verse. What I do know is that if someone walks around with a cloud of doom hanging over their head and blaming everyone else for their depressing life, they can't be happy. Yes, we all have life issues we deal with, but generally we do our best to slap a smile on our face and get through the tough times. There are certain circumstances that make us fall into a hole of nothing but blackness, but speaking from experience, it's noway to live life. When I was depressed last year, it took me awhile to get out of it. Once I opened up my heart and mind to my family and friends, I was able to come out of it pretty quickly. That's not to say it was easy or a walk in the park, it was hard and it royally sucked! Even while I was in the midst of my depression, never had it occurred to me I could blame someone else for my problems. Wasn't even aware that was an option!

I don't say this to brag about my awesomeness or to say "if you just do as I do, you'll be oh so happy!" I say it because I know someone who I swear loves to live her life in a constant state of pity. She'll say things like "I have no friends. People only call me when they need something. never to just hang out". She'll blame others for things or put herself into situations that she KNOWS will make her life miserable. She never says no to anyone, despite not wanting to do the favor. She really is a piece of work. I can't figure out if she has this view on life because of her age or just who she is. I try to reason her attitude with all sorts of things while I try to help her out. The problem with trying to help her out is that it drains me. Not to mention she doesn't want my help, she just wants to whine and complain. I swear it's what feeds her. She makes horrible choices but will not take responsibility for them.

I've tried many times to talk her though bad relationships and reason with her about things, but nope it doesn't work. Now I just let her do her thing and move on. Yesterday she was upset because she had no friends and nobody would answer her calls or text messages. When she told me that her cousin's wife told her "we're going to spend some time together, it's been a really long time since we've gotten to spend any amount of time together", she got pissed off! She said she is starting to dislike her cousin's wife for this reason. I tried to tell her that they're newly married and it's hard being married to someone in the military, give them some time. Didn't work. When she was complaining about not having friends, I suggested she find different friends. Friends that aren't ALL about going to the bar and getting shit faced, nope, didn't work either. She actually told me "would you just let me whine and feel sorry for me?!" ".....*blink blink* ummm k?" So I did just that, didn't make her feel any better but it wasn't my problem anymore since she made it very clear to me that she isn't wanting to fix her problems, she just wants to whine about them.

This combined with the revelation I had about leading by example lead me to the conclusion that some people just like to wallow in their gunk. I will not feel guilty for staying positive and not allowing negativity to taint my life. I've done my time in the depression hole and I like things out of the hole MUCH better. I can NOT and will not go down that road again. Selfish? Perhaps some will view it as such, but my choice all the same.

This does not mean I won't give advice or help a sister out when she needs it, because I totally will. I'm patient and I love deeply and will do everything in my power to make one feel better, but there comes a time when I hear myself saying the same things over and over again to the same person. When this happens, it means it's time for me to move on. Not cut that person out of my life, but direct my energies elsewhere.

Apr 25, 2010

Leading by Example

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 7 friends have commented
Things are changing rapidly around here. Not only because there is a big move in our future, but also because that's what life does, it changes.

Nae will be 13 Monday (tomorrow) and we are all very excited about this. Her more than us, but lots of excitement nonetheless. We already got her an early birthday present, but tomorrow will be a "Nae day". We will be having breakfast for dinner, as per her request and I'm going to attempt to make a rainbow cake. Hopefully the cake looks and tastes fantastic. If not, I know it'll at least taste fine. Lots of fun self gratifying for a 13 year old, for sure.

As she gets older, I'm finding that me telling her what to do, how to act, etc isn't enough, I must show her by my actions as well. This was proved by our conversation about her eating habits the other day. I've told her many times about my history with poor eating habits and how it isn't safe, but clearly that wasn't enough. I'm not TOO worried about her eating as I've seen her eat many times since our conversation, but I am still concerned with her way of thinking. I decided that I am going to make some changes in the hopes that she will see and follow suit or at the very least change the way she is or was thinking. I don't want her to ever think she is less than beautiful. Obviously there will be days when she won't feel beautiful, but I want to give her a good solid foundation. I also want her to know how important it is to get an education. She is a great student and has never gotten anything lower than a B and has always made the honor roll, but I still want her to realize it is very important.

Me going to school and getting great grades is a huge factor in showing her how important school is. Yes, I went back to school late, but I am going and she sees that. She also sees me doing my homework, as well as Dirty and I switching rolls in our home. She knows a woman can stay at home if she chooses to and she knows that a man can do the same. Zilla sees this too, but ummm he isn't quite getting it just yet.

I also want to her to know that the way she carries herself and the way she speaks is important. I have always loved words. I love to listen to my dad and his side of the family speak Dutch and Indonesian because it's just so beautiful to me. I also love that my dad made a point to teach my sister and myself how to speak properly even though English wasn't his first, or even third language. Speaking properly and with respect was always a must when we were growing up. I always felt that my vocabulary wasn't all that vast nor great. I feel that me saying certain words, no matter how much I love them, sound so phony coming out of my mouth. That is no longer the case. I have found myself using words I normally wouldn't use and the kids are picking up on this. Today I used "proper" and "improper" and both the kids used them correctly a few times! I was so proud of them and myself. Obviously those aren't big words, but they aren't words I've heard 13 or 6 year old use. Proof that showing by example is working better than just talking to her, or them. I always knew that I needed to lead by example, but now it is VERY important.

I need to show Nae that I am happy with my body, but if there are improvements to be made, I will do them in a healthy way. Since I hurt my hand in January, I have gained probably about 10 pounds and I am unhappy with my body. I don't mind the weight so much, I do mind the lack of tone I have. I know it's from months of sitting on the couch and not being able to do much. Added in the fact that it rains here like non stop and school, I just didn't have time. Now that i see how my behavior has effect Nae, I have decided to do something about it. I have deiced I am going to track my caloric intake, but in a healthy way. I am not limiting myself to low calorie foods only, but I will be accountable for what I put in my body. I have control of what foods I put into my body and what foods are better for me than others. I am also becoming more active. last weekend Nae and I went on a walk to get our hair done and today the kids and I went on a LONG walk to get some ice cream. We walked probably about 4 miles total, and we had a blast. Neither of them whined about the distance, either!

I'm hopeful that these changes I'm making will impact her life, as well as mine in a positive way. I hope that I'm not sending her the wrong message, but showing her how to take your health into your own hands. I also intend to make them and her, more accountable for things around the house. No more leaving backpacks and shoe lying around the house for me to pick up. It is time for them to be responsible for their belongings and their surroundings. I know these changes won't be easy, but when is change EVER easy?

Apr 24, 2010

Touchy Discussions

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 9 friends have commented
The other day, in class, Peaches told me that her daughter told her that Nae had said something about not eating because she didn't want to get fat. I usually tend to take what Peaches' daughter says with a grain of salt because she tends to exaggerate the truth or lie completely. Which is one of the reason her and Nae don't spend much time together. it's sad and I would love for them to be great friends, but Captain (Peaches' daughter) is a very angry girl and is very jealous of Nae. Anyway.....I figured even if Captain was stretching the truth, it was a topic that needed to be discussed.

I got home from class and asked Nae if she had eaten that day and what. I tried to keep it casual, but failed miserably. I usually ask her what she had for lunch and if she ate something that wasn't crap before track, so it wasn't unusual for me to ask her if she had eaten that day. What was unusual was for me to sort of drill her about her eating habits. I let my fear take over instead of keeping a cool head. Poor Nae and Dirty were so confused as to why I was asking these questions. It was too late to backtrack and play it off like I was just concerned, so I had to spill the beans and tell them what I had heard. I hadn't meant to throw Captain under the bus, all I was trying to do was figure out what the heck was going on with Nae.

Once Nae knew I had good information she started crying and said it was true. I was DUMBFOUNDED! I've always been honest and upfront with her about my battle with Anorexia in high school. I thought for sure if I told her all about it, she would learn from my mistake and not repeat it. Apparently I was wrong. In the end, we found out she isn't not eating, but limiting her food intake so as not to become fat. It broke my heart to think that there had been days when she wasn't eating much because she thought she was fat. We told her it wasn't a concern for her to have, but if she felt it was a problem, there are better ways than not eating.

She's a very active child and is in fine health. I think we got through to her by explaining how her body is different from Captain's and if we felt there was a need for a change, WE would make it. She is NOT to limit her food intake because she doesn't want to gain weight. She can limit the funk food she puts into her body, make better food choices, but not eating at all is unacceptable. We were kinder about it, but that was the gist of our conversation with her.

Part of me thinks that Captain might have exaggerated the situation a touch, but clearly there was an issue there. One that I wasn't aware of and that disturbs me. As she gets older, I'm realizing that I don't know as much as I did before. She has friends I don't know and does things I am not aware of. Not bad things, she is a good kid, but her "play dates" don't consist of playing at the park with me and apple juice and graham crackers, anymore. Now she goes to the movies with her friends or goes downtown ("downtown" is a relative term here, this is a VERY small town) and gets some pizza after school. All of which I am OK with, but it's hard to know when to tighten the reigns or loosen them a bit.

Monday she'll be 13 (God help me) and I know things will get  more difficult as she gets older, but I hope I'm level headed enough to deal with the teenage years. At least I am able to listen to stories about children her age and learn from what their parents did or didn't do. I'm not TOO concerned about her doing terrible things, but ya never know. I'll be aware, even more now, and hope I do it right.

Apr 20, 2010

The Queen of Random Strikes Again

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 14 friends have commented
First of all I need to address something that I've never really touched on before. I did a few times (?) in passing, but I don't think I've ever stated a disclaimer. Sadly, I believe it is time for one. So...here goes...it has been brought to my attention that some of the people I see on a regular basis are reading my blog and Tweets. While it's a free country and the Internet is for everyone, even those that should stay FAR away from the World Wide Web, this space here is MINE. If you know me in real life and I did not give you the URL to my blog, you may not question me on what you read here. I use this space for support from my Bloggy Gals and to give support. I also use this place to get things out of my head so I don't take anything I say personally. I won't bash you, but I might mention you as it pertains to me and my life. If you don't like what you read, you may click that cute little red 'X' over there in the corner.
Alright, now that I got that out of the way, time for some randomness *throws confetti*
Here's a question for ya'll...Dirty and I got new phones WITH Internet capabilities *WEEEE* and while I use mine for cool stuff like, getting cool new themes and checking FaceBook (ya know, important stuff) Dirty uses his for...other things. It doesn't bother me that he looks at "stuff"; (I'm not trying to be cute or coy by using code, I'd just rather my blog not come up when teenage boys search for something to look at when they're cleaning their weapons) I actually find that it improves our intimate time. What kind has got me is that he wants me to share my fantasies with him, like every one of them. Ummm no thank you, those are mine! Since he is in overdrive, he wants both of to be in overdrive and wants to know what is going on in my head. I am thankful that after almost 17 years we still finds me attractive and wants to share things with me, but sometimes, the things that go on in my head, are just for me. I did end up telling him a few things and it did work out to my benefit ;o) but somethings I'd rather keep to myself. Am I being selfish or do a lot of women have certain fantasies they like to keep to themselves? I did ask one friend and she agreed with me, but that's the only one I've asked. So I'm asking YOU, should I divulge everything or keep somethings to myself?

NEXT! I did something on Saturday I thought I would NEVER do! I bought a pair of "high end" jeans *hangs head in shame* I blame Kristin for this. Why? Because she posted a link for THIS company and I have been stalking and drooling over those jeans ever since. I do know a few girls who swear by these jeans but I refuse to pay over $100 for a pair of jeans. I'm cheap, can't help it. I really have no need for these jeans, other then I need something to cover my bottom  half when I'm out in public. The jeans I got at another store work just fine for this purpose, but when I walked into the boutique down the street from my house, I fell in love. The saleswoman was so kind to me and never pressured me once. I don't know what came over me but I walked out of that store with a pair of jeans that are very flattering, but also cost more than I have ever spent on a pair of jeans.

When I came home, I sent both Heather and Ellen a text telling them about my bout of insanity. Not to brag, mind you, but to get yelled at so I'd take them back. They did not do that. Ellen wanted pictures, so I obliged and she convinced me to take the tags off and keep em! That is exactly what I did! I took the tags off, threw em in the garbage so I can't return them and OWNED the fact that I just bought these jeans. So I am a proud owner of a fancy new pair of jeans. All I have to say is that they DAMN well better last a long time, or I will be PISSED! I will not feel guilty or ashamed of my purchase any longer. I may not have "deserved" these jeans, but I am in a place where I am able to buy them and splurge, so why not? It's been years since I've splurged on myself and the past few months I've done some splurging and it feels really great! I forgot how much I enjoy doing things just for myself. Going to school is not only for me, but for my family as well. My laptop was for school. My jeans and itouch are for me and that is OK!

NEXT! We had conferences for Zilla last week and he is doing well. Not "great" but he's keeping up. He still needs some extra help on math and his handwriting, but I'm proud of him for leveling up as much as he has in his reading. He's reading level 13 books now and we're hoping to get him at 20 by the end of the year. If not, he'll be damn close! His teacher did suggest summer school for him. Not because he is behind, but because he is "at level" and could use an extra push. My heart sank when she suggested that, but after talking to Dirty I don't feel that way anymore. When she told me about this, I had already planned that he was going to go because she said he needed to go. I felt I didn't have a choice, mommy guilt and all. Once I talked to Dirty, I reclaimed my power as Zilla's mother. I don't think that summer school is right for him. Yes it might give him an advantage, but at what cost? He'll miss part of his summer vacation and I don't have the heart to do that to him. He isn't like Nae who LOVES school, he would be miserable every second of every day. Summer time is suppose to be "fun time", not "boring time". Plus if we get that house, he won't be there to help us with painting and such. It may seem like a silly reason, but we really want to do things as a family with this house. I don't want him missing out on any of it. As Zilla's mom, I am saying "no thank you" to summer school and I know this is the right choice.

NEXT! The house *sigh* Our Realtor is an idiot and how she's been selling house for 15 years, is beyond me! She knew nothing about the credit we get if the contract is signed before April 30th and she showed us a house that wouldn't work for us at all! When we told her it wouldn't work, she kept trying to sell it to us! My dad, Dirty and myself were all standing outside talking while she was inside telling my aunt and uncle all the "great" things about the house. We totally checked out within five minutes of seeing the house because we knew it wouldn't work for us. The house we put an offer on, is still in the works. We're in escrow...again, but the last time we were in escrow there were complications with inspection. I'm hoping that everything has been resolved and we will sail through escrow, get the contract signed by the end of April and take possession in mid May. I'm trying to be low key about it, but I am really really for really reals SO excited about it! I'm keeping my excitement in check, but I am praying this is IT.It just seems like the perfect house for all of us. *crossing fingers*

And that is all! Thank you all SO much for the kind words about my mom's picture and my Omi's passing. Every word helped me stay above the tide that was trying to pull me down. I appreciate your help and support.

Apr 12, 2010

Time to Decompress

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 14 friends have commented
This weekend was a very long weekend and I have NEVER been so thankful for Monday to come in my entire life! My dad was here all last week and lil sis was here over the weekend. Obviously I love my family dearly, but when she brings her boyfriend and her two kids, it gets to be a bit TOO much. She parents VERY differently than Dirty and I do, therefore her children are disrespectful little shits. We are more on the strict side and do not allow our children to talk to us the way she allows her children talk to her. We have had to tell the children that the rules at our house are different than the rules are their house and they must follow the rules when they are here. It seems to work, but it's still very stressful. And of course there's the aftermath of Zilla thinking it's cool to act like his cousin and turns into a heathen! Last night was a rough night for me. I had to be "mean" and tell him "if you can't talk to me nicely, I don't want to talk to you. I love you, but right now, your attitude is making me mad and hurting my feelings." I kind of felt like an asshole for saying that to him, even though it seemed to have no effect on him, but I needed to put his little attitude in check! I'm sure part of it was that I was SO drained from the funeral and all the emotions bubbling to the surface after everything had calmed down a bit, but it was still a rough evening.

Friday night we went to the rosary mass, that was interesting. We aren't affiliated with this church at all, and the whole thing felt cold. The gentlemen reading the rosary were very automatic in their readings and nobody really said my Omi's name. It was not intimate at all, like my mom's was. After the mass, my cousin and my uncle were taking pictures of the flower arrangements and the urn. I kind of felt like this was odd, but went with it because everyone wanted a picture with Oma. My uncle wanted a picture of my cousin and myself standing on either side of the urn, which I did, but had NO idea how to pose. A smile didn't feel right and where was I suppose to look or put my hand. I get why my uncle wanted a picture and I appreciate that, I was just a bit uncomfortable with it. Plus I was doing my best not to remember the last funeral we all attended and break down. We ended up at my aunt's house, ate some home cooked Indonesian food, chatted a bit, drank a class of wine and that seemed to make me feel a bit better.

The funeral was not a good closing to my Omi's life at all. Not only did the priest get her death date wrong, he seemed to get a kick out of the fact that she chose to go home during the "holiest week of the year". I'm not even kidding when I say he was trembling with excitement over this. His voice was loud and I swear if it wasn't for the family members bawling our eyes out, he would have danced a jig. After that mistake, he called the wrong aunt's name for a reading. A reading she didn't even know she was SUPPOSE to read! Thankfully the mass was ended with beautiful words and memories from my aunts, my dad, a cousin, and some friends. Those words being said made the rest of the mass better.
After mass we went to the church hall and had some food and watched a video one of the cousins had made. He did such a beautiful job getting pictures and putting the whole thing together.

I did have a minor freak out when I found out we were going over to another cousin's house for a family dinner because uncle douche bag was going to be there and I had Nae with me. I talked to lil sis and my dad about it and they did little to appease my fears. What ended up calming me down was Nae. I told her we were going to cousin's house and if she didn't feel comfortable going, we would go home. She told me she was having a good time talking to the cousins she never gets to see and didn't need to go home. The kid looked me in the eyes and said "mom, I'm good, I promise! I'll let you know if I want to go home." After that conversation, I stepped out of my perceptive of things and looked at it from her point of view. She's right, she was having a good time and even though the fears I have are real, it doesn't mean I need to freak out and run away. The need to protect her was just so overwhelming, I wanted to run. I'm glad I made the choice to stay because she'll remember that day as being able to spend time with the family she never gets to spend time with. That's not to say uncle douche bag was EVER out of my sight because he wasn't. Plus he KNOWS better than to talk to me or my children. He's disgusting but at least he knows how I feel about him. I know I made the right decision and I'm so glad I allowed Nae to be involved in it.

Before we went to my cousin's for dinner, we stopped at my aunt's house and she gave us pictures of my mom and us that we had given to Oma. My dad has most of them because he's going to scan them in the computer, but I did snag a few that I didn't want to let go. There's one of my mom nursing me days after I was born and my older sister is sitting next to her. It is the most beautiful picture of my mom I've ever seen! I am so grateful to have that picture here. I put it in a frame and have looked at it so many times. It's just so precious.
It's a picture of the picture, but it's still such a lovely picture.

So all in all it was a draining weekend, but it was nice to be able to spend time with my family.

Apr 7, 2010

Advice Please!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 17 friends have commented
I need a little help, advice, or anything ANYONE has to offer. I'm at my wits end here!

Does anyone know anything about anxiety? Dirty has it and it seems to be getting worse. When he went to our local psychiatrist here in town for his evaluation from his dumbass move, the doctor said he doesn't have an anger problem. Which, we kind of figured, but it was good to get documentation of it. The doc did say that he has anxiety and therapy would be beneficial to him. Which is great, but not great because he put that in his paperwork for the courts and now Dirty HAS to go to therapy. Of course since it's court ordered, insurance won't cover it, which is a moot point, because we don't have insurance anyway. The problem is that Dirty's anxiety has gotten SO much worse as of late and I'm at a loss as to handle it. So therapy will help, but in the mean time, what do I do?

Here's what happened today and how he and I handled it. We went to the phone store to pay the bill and get my line transferred over, as I'm on a different plan than him and Nae. I see a phone I like and so does Dirty, we check around at a few other stores to see if we can find them cheaper and because there were a SHIT TON of people in there. We didn't find any other phone cheaper and went back to the store to buy those phones and get them switched over. So far, so good. It was a bit annoying to run to one end of town and back but not TOO much of a big deal. The guy starts on my phone and apparently isn't aware that we want both phones and starts on Dirty's as he's finishing up on mine, this is where the issues arise. It takes the phone guy FOREVER to get Dirty's phone to do whatever the hell it needs to do to work properly. I tell him I have class at 1:00 and need to leave the store by 12:45. Phone guy suggests I leave Dirty's old cell phone with him so we can work on transferring everything and we'll come back when I get out of class. I think this is a wonderful idea, Dirty on the other hand, not so much *sigh* He does not want phone guy to keep his phone and does not want to take my phone while I'm in class. At this point, Dirty is SUPER pissed off and frustrated and I'm at a loss as to what the hell to do. I go back into the store, get Dirty's phone and tell phone guy, we'll be back around 4 when I get out of class. We go back to the store, wait for an hour and STILL no luck with the phone.

By this time, my dad is bored, Zilla is antsy and Dirty's anxiety is through the roof! Dirty freaks fuck and wants to leave. Just leave! In order to not have a fight in the middle of the parking lot, in front of my dad and Zilla, I just do whatever he wants. I tell the guy we'll be back tomorrow or something and leave. Dirty drops all of us off at Nae's track meet, which we were late for, and goes home. I'm pissed, Dirty is pissed, my dad is confused, and Zilla is oblivious (thank God). We missed all of Nae's events because of this whole phone fiasco and because Dirty wouldn't just listen to me or any type of reason. He was beyond reasoning with at this point, anyway.

After the track meet, we all come home and Dirty is still reeling from everything that went on and I'm pissed off and hurt. I pretty much ignore him and go along with cooking dinner and such, while Dirty takes a nap. He ends up apologizing for his actions and says I did the right thing by just letting him be and cool down. The problem with this solution is that I hate doing it. I hate "pleasing" him until he's done with his freak out. It makes me feel like I'm being submissive to him, which I am SO not. I do, do certain things that would lead others to think the opposite, but I assure you that is not the case.

I was taught to stand up for myself and my rights and appeasing Dirty in this manner makes me feel like I'm not being true to myself. On the other hand if I tell him EXACTLY how I feel at that moment, I'll either say something I don't mean or we'll end up in a huge argument. I need to find some sort of middle ground, not sure if I found it or not; because Dirty just thanked me for letting him be so he can cool off. I guess I did the right thing and I feel fine about it now, but in the moment, I don't feel that way at all.

My questions or plea for advice is; there anything I can do when Dirty has these anxiety attacks or issues? Not sure if it's considered an "attack" per se, but it IS an issue. I think his anxiety being so high this week is the fact that his appointment is Thursday. He might be feeling anxiety BECAUSE of the appointment, but frankly, I have no idea. I know NOTHING about anxiety and have no idea what the hell to do or not to do. Does anyone have anxiety issues as well, or know anyone that does? What is the best course of action for me to take? I want to be supportive and not frustrated, but right now all I'm feeling is frustration and a little resentment. It's not right, I know, but it's how I'm feeling right now.

Any advice is MORE than welcome! Even if you don't know anyone who has anxiety or has dealt with this before, I'll take any thoughts you have. Please! Thank you so much!

Apr 4, 2010

She Helped Heal My Heart

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 12 friends have commented
And she has NO idea.

Saturday when all I wanted to do was stay in bed and sulk but was unable to do because I had A LOT of stuff to do, my heart was healed a little bit. Zilla had a birthday party to go to and because I'm over protective, I went with him. The party was for a little girl in his class and I may have gone overboard buying her princess(!) toys, but we had a great time. We went to the park, hunted for eggs, hit a pinata, got muddy, and had a great time. We ended up at the Birthday Girl's house for cake and ice cream. The kids all ran off and I was left in the front room with about 5 adults I had never met in my life. We made small talk and eventually I got a little bit more comfortable with them.

There was a 2 year old little girl there who stole my heart and healed it at the same time. She has Downs Syndrome and took a liking to me! I was so excited, it took everything I had not to scoop her up and smother her with kisses. We played with the remotes, play dough and she kept signing "more play" to me when I wasn't playing with what she wanted me to play with.

I asked her mom how she felt about strangers before I made my move because she looked a bit overwhelmed when they walked in the door. Although, I can't blame her, I was overwhelmed watching all those 6 and 7 year olds running around the house, too! Her mom said it takes time for her to warm up to strangers but assured me, I wouldn't freak her out if I said hello or played with her. That was all I needed and I sat on the floor across from the coffee table from her and showed her a toy. Eventually she made her way into my lap and I was so honored, I wanted to cry. Her mom said she never does that and both she and her husband were very surprised. I was just so happy to have this beautiful child sitting in my lap, that I didn't care that she never does this.

Addison let me play with her for about 2 hours. It was such an amazing 2 hours, I don't think I'll forget them for the rest of my life. She even let me give her a high five! For those 2 hours, I didn't think about my Omi passing away, I didn't think that my dad has to go through this another time, all I did was immerse myself in this beautiful soul.

I came home so happy and told Dirty and Roomie about it. Dirty said I was explaining it all wrong, apparently I was making it sound like someone who just got to play with a puppy. Which wasn't my intention at all, obviously, I was just filled with such peace and happiness, I had to tell them. It's taken me a few days to process these feelings, but I think I've got it.

Addison healed my heart. She might have sensed that I needed some sweet baby time or she just wanted to play, either way, I owe Addison so much. What she did for me on Saturday is exactly what I needed.

Apr 3, 2010

Family Reunions?

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 11 friends have commented
This picture was taken a few years ago. We have a cousins that is a professional clown and she dressed Omi up...SO cute!

Wednesday morning around 11:30, my Omi my (grandma) passed away. She was my dad's mother and had been through SO much, it seems a shame that she's just GONE. I had heard that our family from California were in town over the weekend and they were able to spend time with her and she was having a GREAT day! They got to talk to her, got to hear her laugh, see her smile, wheel her around in her wheelchair, and spend some quality time with her. That makes me happy, VERY happy. I'm so happy that my cousins and my aunt were able to spend that time with her. I am very happy that my dad was in time and was able to spend some quality time with her, as well. It is a gift for all of them.
This was taken the Saturday before she passed away, she was having a good day.

This is a big blow to my family, obviously, but mostly because this is the
first experience my cousins and aunts have with death. When my mom died, it was my dad and lil sis that were hit the hardest. Everyone was sad because they loved my mom too, but it wasn't the same for them that it was for us. Now it's all turned around and I feel horrible for them.

We had the viewing yesterday and I'm still processing how all of my emotions and feelings about it. I was there when my mom died and when my friend in high school who killed himself, I didn't really comprehend the gravity of it. This time, it was..odd, I think. Everyone said she looked peaceful and while I agree she did, because she wasn't in pain, but also she didn't. Nor did she look like she was sleeping. Her face was really relaxed and when I touched her arm she was SO cold. A cold, I wasn't prepared for. I don't regret going to see her, I feel like it was good to say my goodbyes and tell her how much I love her. I just didn't expect her to look so...not there. I am aware I'm not making sense here because I can't find the right words, I just need to get all these words out that are swirling around in my head.

When we were going to the viewing, we were OK. There was an air of sadness in the car, but also a few laughs and jokes thrown into the mix. We didn't rehash our feelings about Omi, nor did we talk about the big elephant in the car that was her death. When we got to the funeral home, all of that changed. We met a cousin there and we all cried and didn't really know what to say. We touched her hair and they all gave her a kiss. After touching her arm, I couldn't give her a kiss. Not because I was freaked out about the coldness of her skin, but because to me it wasn't MY Omi laying on that table. It wasn't MY Omi who would pucker up her lips and smooch me over and over again until she had kissed me no less then 20 times. It wasn't MY Omi who would whisper in my ear that she loves me so much and to take care of "daddy". It wasn't the same woman who I grew up with.

After the viewing all I wanted was to go home and check out. I wanted to sit on the couch and stare at the TV or the wall and let my mind go blank. Sadly, that wasn't an option, we had a few errands to run and I didn't get home until 4 and than we had to go get Nae and get her a dress for the funeral. Which, by the way, is not easy to do at the beginning of spring. NOBODY has ANYTHING that's black. After we got home, I was SO drained I would've given anything for a glass of wine and a moment for my mind to go blank. That didn't happen until almost 9, by that time I could barley keep my eyes open. Lil sis and my dad wanted to go have a drink, but I couldn't, just could NOT do it. My emotions were all over the place and I just couldn't.

I woke up this morning and for that few seconds before I was fully awake, I was confused and thought I dreamed the past few days. Once my mind and heart were awake, I realized the past few days were real and NONE of this was a bad dream, this is our new reality. We'll make it because that's what we do, but it won't be easy.

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