The Purple Gorilla

I received an email from Becoming Whole last night. She sent me the most amazing poem. She said "Hey Beautiful Mess-- I'm not sure that this is the kind of thing that you like, but I thought of this poem the other day, when you wrote about your grief for your mom.. I have found it very meaningful. Here's the link.
~Becoming Whole" I read the poem, which I'll copy and paste, and got all teary eyed. The poem is outstanding and it really is true. Let me know what you think.....

Grief

by Matthew Dickman May 5, 2008

When grief comes to you as a purple gorilla

you must count yourself lucky.

You must offer her what’s left

of your dinner, the book you were trying to finish

you must put aside,

and make her a place to sit at the foot of your bed,

her eyes moving from the clock

to the television and back again.

I am not afraid. She has been here before

and now I can recognize her gait

as she approaches the house.

Some nights, when I know she’s coming,

I unlock the door, lie down on my back,

and count her steps

from the street to the porch.

Tonight she brings a pencil and a ream of paper,

tells me to write down

everyone I have ever known,

and we separate them between the living and the dead

so she can pick each name at random.

I play her favorite Willie Nelson album

because she misses Texas

but I don’t ask why.

She hums a little,

the way my brother does when he gardens.

We sit for an hour

while she tells me how unreasonable I’ve been,

crying in the checkout line,

refusing to eat, refusing to shower,

all the smoking and all the drinking.

Eventually she puts one of her heavy

purple arms around me, leans

her head against mine,

and all of a sudden things are feeling romantic.

So I tell her,

things are feeling romantic.

She pulls another name, this time

from the dead,

and turns to me in that way that parents do

so you feel embarrassed or ashamed of something.

Romantic? she says,

reading the name out loud, slowly,

so I am aware of each syllable, each vowel

wrapping around the bones like new muscle,

the sound of that person’s body

and how reckless it is,

how careless that his name is in one pile and not the other.

Every time I read it, my breath catches in my throat when the name is pulled from the "dead pile" and my eyes get watery when the gorilla is coming up the porch and each step is being counted. That's exactly how I felt when grief would rear it's ugly head, except I wasn't happy about grief's return. I was terrified! I would do everything in my power to stop grief from coming into my room and sit with me. Grief was my enemy. And by making grief my enemy, by not accepting this beautiful purple gorilla as my friend, I made things worse for myself.

Last night the purple gorilla became friends. I can't say she and I are best friends, but we got to know each other pretty well last night. I was laying on my husband and he was being so sweet that I lost control over my emotions. He said to me "you can cry if you need too". I told him it was too late, I already started. He let me soak his shirt *again* and said all the right things. Eventually the cries got deeper and harder to hold in and I was sobbing.

I was trying to explain how much I want the pain to go away. How I'm exhausted from grief. I know why I'm so exhausted, I'm not doing everything I can to feel the pain. I'm still blocking it until it becomes too much for me to bear. It's a vicious circle. I'm not running as far as I was, but I still am running. He then said something that made sense and just "clicked". I know it isn't the first time I've heard it, but sometimes you have to hear something a few times before it "clicks" for you. He said to me "you don't want that pain to go away because that pain how much love you HAVE for your mom". And he is right. My mom was and is a huge part of my life. The relationship we have and had as a family isn't the same as most. When I was 18 and got chickenpox, I slept in bed with my parents. See? That's not normal! It's just the type of family we were and are. The love us four have for each other is boundless. It's almost like that clique of people at your school you wanted to be friends with. It's not that we are cool, per se, it's just that we love each other, A LOT.

Anyway, an hour later, I stopped crying. I cried for ONE! HOUR! I don't even think I cried that much the day she passed away or at the funeral. Although, I think we opened up the floodgates, because I've only been up for and hour and a half and have cried a few times already. One time while I was making coffee this morning and the rest while I'm typing this. It's really hard to give myself up and make friend with my purple gorilla, but it's time. It's time her and I got to know each other a little bit better. I've been running away from this beautiful creature for far to long. She and my mom deserve better.

I'm not weak because I'm crying. I'm not any less of a person because I miss my mom. I will not beat myself up because it's been three years and "I need to get over it already". The pain is real. The pain is physical and I will treat myself as if I'm physically hurt. I will be nice and I will be gentle to myself. I will, also, ask that others do the same. I will not push my friends and family away, I will draw them closer.

Emotionally Hungover

I'm pretty sure I'm going to gain AT LEAST 10 pounds today. Maybe more, we'll have to see. I'm going to have to do A LOT of jogging and weights to get rid of all the pounds of chocolate I've been eating the past few days. Thanks to Stacy K for the chocolate picture that is about to go on my phone. It made me feel better to know, I've got people out there to feed my addiction.

Obviously, I've had a few rough days. I was feeling pretty good yesterday. Not so wrapped up in my emotional fog. I wasn't my usually annoying Polly Anna and "Rainbows and Sunshine" self, but I wasn't "The world is going to end and I'm OK with that" self either. Somewhere in between. Which, I guess is good. I'd much rather be in the in between place then the full blown hurting place I found myself in after going to the grocery store.

I get that there will be reminders of my mother being dead and generally, I accept them. I also get, that I can't REALLY burn down a certain store because their commercial made me cry and when it's on, I RUN from the front room. It's fun to think so, plus anger is easier to deal with then sadness, for me. In the spirit of accepting and allowing myself to truly grieve over my mom's death, I've gotten closer to sadness then anger in the past few months. YAY! Go me!(?) The only thing I ask is that The Universe give me a week or two between reminders. Hell, even a DAY or two would be a welcome gift. Is that really too much to ask? Give give me a moment to catch my breath before pushing me under, yet, one. more. time. Please allow the checker at the grocery store to talk about something, ANYTHING other then a friend's dead mother. And how your friend didn't get her mother's rings because the house was robbed and she's so very broken up about it. And how she should have gotten the rings the LAST time she was at her mother's house. And then please don't look at me while talking about this and pretend you can't see the look on my face. Or maybe you really didn't see it, who knows. I, obviously, couldn't see my face, but I did feel the blood drain into my feet and my heart THUMP a little louder. I'll accept these conversations to take place as long as I didn't have that "ice cold water in the face" shock of reality the day before. I'll even put a dollar or two *big spender* on the fact, that I could deal with these conversations just fine. I might even laugh at the irony of it. Shit, maybe I'll buy a lottery ticket because how many people are in that store who've had a mother pass away who picks the check that is having a real conversation about a dead mother? I'm guessing the odds aren't that high and I've got Lady Luck on my side.

No wonder the fog came back and I was left wondering "how do I deal with THIS one?" I sat on the couch and Husband asked me what was wrong and I told him I was having a rough couple of days. Then he offered his body as a mattress. So, I climbed on and snuggled and proceeded to cry. I didn't have a sob fest, the tears just came out. My cup was overflowing with emotion and it needed to me emptied. And empty it I did, all over Husband's shirt. He was great about it, as always. He just rubbed my back, even took off my bra and didn't cop a feel! After my cry fest, I passed out. I can't imagine Husband was very comfy with me in a emotion induced coma on his chest, but he let me stay there until I woke up. I felt a bit better after I woke up, except for a headache and my face hurt! The "after cry" headache and swollen face. Good times. I was truly, a Beautiful Mess last night. It's funny how Husband tells me I'm beautiful after I've cried. I think it has to do with feeling so raw and fragile. I don't know, but I'll take the compliment!

As the evening wore on, I felt better. Thanks to Heather. Who totally rocked out my blog! Doesn't it look AMAZING?! Thank you so much Heather, your my HTML bitch from now on ;o) The cheery colors on here, really made me smile. I needed something bright and cheery to look at. Also my BFF deserves a big shout out. She and I were texting and I was doing my best to tell her what the hell is going on with me. All I had were over dramatic words and so I apologized for being SO dramatic and her response was "Well if the Prada shoe fits...wear em till ur toes bleed". Ahhhh perfection in the form of a text! Love that bitch!

It took a lot to get out of bed this morning, but I did it. I even got dressed AND made coffee. Oh yeah I have Tuesday by the balls. Even if I put my shorts on backwards this morning and JUST now realized it. I'm emotionally hungover and I feel so fragile, but the feeling is getting better by the minute. The headache won't go away until tomorrow, I'm sure. Nor with "the pressure cooked brain" feeling, but it's OK because I not only jumped over hurdles the past few days, I knocked em down and kicked their ass! With tears running down my face, but I still did it. I can't say I feel stronger, but I do know that I dealt with this wave better then I did in December and in January. That's all I can ask for, right?

The support I've received has been astounding. I wish there was a better way to express my gratitude then to say "thank you", but I can't find it. If/when I do..ya'll will be the first to know. I truly feel without all of you, THIS would have been so much harder then it was. I can't even begin to imagine it being worse and I'm glad I don't have to find out.

Ya'll Are Going to Have to Pry Me From My Desk

I did it, I got myself a Twitter account. It's been a rough few days and I wanted to do something good and fun. And that's EXACTLY what I did!

InDueTime was holding a contest about winning a key chain and you had to leave a comment and follow her on Twitter. Well, I didn't have Twitter, so I just left a comment. Then today, she said that if she got 100 followers before another gal, she'd give away ANOTHER key chain. It was that post that made me decide to get a Twitter account. Plus, she said she's giving away MORE of them this week!!! *YAY*

She made these amazing key chains to support NIAW and who am I to say no to THAT?! NIAW is something that I've been hearing and reading about for about a week or so. I wasn't part of this community last year, so this year, I'll do my small part to bring as much awareness as I can.

As soon as I can get Heather to teach me how to get my Twitter feeds on my blog, I'll be SET! Or she can do it her self *hint hint* I know how much she loves staying up until all hours of the morning trying to explain things to me through email, while I bang my head against the desk because I DON'T GET IT!!!!!

Living With IT

Living with Grief is such a strange thing. Sometimes it's not a big deal. Something I rarely notice, like the mole under my arm. I know it's there, but I don't see it often or take notice of it. Other times, I see it and I think it's HUGE! Yesterday Grief wanted some attention. Grief had a hold of me and wouldn't let me go.

Some days I know my mom is dead and I'm OK with it. It's just a part of me and my life. It isn't necessarily a sad thing, it's just my reality. Other times, it's a face full of ice cold water. Yesterday wasn't a face full of ice cold water. It was more of a "covered in fog" feeling. I knew what the trigger was, *damn you Best Buy and your fancy "tag lines"* and I was aware of the feeling of sadness that filled my whole being. I allowed myself to cry and sob and feel the pain. I can't say it was easier then before, but I did it. I also reached out. That is always so weird. What do you say when your spouse or friend says to you "I'm feeling the need to burn down Best Buy because not everyone has a mother who isn't dead"? There just isn't an answer for that type of statement. My husband was great, as always about it. He knew better then to hug or touch me because then I'd break down and he knows I HATE that. He told me he was sorry and that he was there. He did ask me a few times during the evening if I was OK or needed anything. Because really, what else can he do? My friends were great, as well. We made plans to burn down the "motha fucka" or to go get massages on a beach by a cabana boy who speaks no English all with fruity drinks in hand. It's was nice to get the help that I needed. The comments helps so much, too! So much that I can't even begin to express my gratitude. Yesterday was a rough day, made a little less rough by people who I know care. I knew today was going to be better and I wasn't wrong.

Today was a lot better, but then I got that "cold water in the face" feeling. Nae and I were looking through her baby book and there was a picture of my mom in there. I had forgotten about that picture. I'd forgotten about all the things she did with me when I was pregnant with Nae and all the things she did for me and Nae after she was born. I was OK with it, at the time. I think I pushed it away, so I wouldn't "taint" a special day for Nae. *Today is her birthday* Then....I was doing something so mundane, like hanging up laundry or changing into my jammies and BAM it hit me in the face. MY MOM IS DEAD! I didn't freak out, I was just so shocked. It's still hard to believe sometimes. I know I'm not articulating this well at all, but it doesn't seem real sometimes. It doesn't feel like a dream per se, but it isn't real. It isn't my life. In my life, my mom is still alive.

In my life, my mom and dad would still be living in Vancouver or with us and would be walking on her own. She'd be WELL on her way to a full recovery after her strokes. She would have held my hand when Zilla started school. She would have listened to me bitch about the dumb thing that Husband did that pissed me off. She would tell me that I'm being hormonal and calm me down only the way my mother could. She would be telling my dad he needs to do this or that differently and he would sigh at her and then we would laugh. They would be sitting in their chairs or on the couch watching their favorite program or movie. She would be in shock that Nae had a boyfriend last month, but so excited when she dumped him because he "was dumb". This isn't my life, this isn't SUPPOSE to be my life.

It isn't fair that Zilla barley remembers her. It isn't fair that NONE of the grand children got to know her like Nae and Aga *cousin* did. It just isn't fair! Obviously life isn't fair and this is the way life is suppose to go, but not so soon. She didn't have to die when I was 30. She didn't have to die before she was even 70! That doesn't seem right, yet this is what happened and this is my life.

No matter how many hissy fits I throw or how many times I stomp my foot down, nothing will change. No matter how many times I get splashed in the face with a bucket full of ice cold water, my reality is still what it is: my mom is dead. It isn't the end of the world, but sometimes, it feels like it. Sometimes I can't say "it could be worse" or "thank God she went so quickly" because even I can't fake it THAT good. Yesterday and today were those kind of days. I just need to be sad for a bit. I just need to miss my mom. Sometimes it feels good to miss her because then I know she is real and there was a time in my life when I had her here with me. Because there was a time when my sentences didn't begin with "when my mom was a live...."

Show and Tell: Easter Pies

That is what I did the Saturday before Easter. I baked, A LOT! We also ran to the store a few different times because we forgot things.

I made two cherry pies, a lemon meringue pie and two chocolate mousse cheesecakes *not pictured* I cheated and bought my pie crusts *hangs head* I really wanted to make them and I was going to, but I don't have a rolling pin and I doubt the empty wine bottle I was using for cookies, would've worked for pie crusts. I'm actually really glad I bought the crusts because if I had to make my own, I would have been baking all night as well as ALL day.

All of my pies turned out great! I didn't burn any of them, nor did I under-cook any of them. Everyone ate at least a piece of pie as well as taking some home for later.

I might have done a little TOO well with Easter because I am now to have Easter at my house every year. I don't mind it. I was awfully proud of myself for pulling it all off. I can't take ALL the credit, Husband did do some of the preparations.

As soon as I get my rolling pin, I'm going to bust out a bunch of pie crusts. Just so I can show everyone that I can make them better then Marie Calenders does.

Go and see what the rest of the class brought for Show and Tell.

Shaky Hands, Thumping Heart, Here IT Comes...

This is might make little to no sense at all. I just have to get it out of my head or I'm going to freak the fuck out. I still might, but I don't think this can hurt. Well it'll hurt, but no more then it does now.

I just saw a Best Buy commercial that was about Mother's Day. I knew this day was coming. I signed up for "OMG YOU ROCK" day to lend a supporting hand to my friends. I never once thought about the help I'm going to need on that day and the days leading up to it. The stupid commercial was about a son wanting to get the "perfect" gift for his mom. At the end of the commercial the gal said "everyone thinks about their mom". I scoffed and thought "Not about their dead mom". I didn't think about it much, just rolled my eyes and took a shower. As I was drying my hair, the commercial came back into my head and my eyes filled with tears and I had to control my breathing so I wouldn't end up on the floor in a heap of tears and snot.

Now I'm shaking, my hands are trembling and I'm really scared. I didn't give much thought to how this day was going to effect me. Last year wasn't too bad, the year before that I was in a margarita numbness to care. Not healthy, I know. I'm not even proud that I did that, but I did. Nothing I can do about it now. This year isn't going to be as easy as the last few years have been. I know the pain this year. I know she is gone and isn't coming back. I don't know how I'm going to do this. I know I can, I just don't know HOW.

How in the hell do I do THIS? How do I celebrate this day without my mom? With knowing that she isn't HERE to call? I can talk to her and I do often, but right now, that isn't making me hurt less. I know this day is painful for a lot of you. I can't imagine any one's pain. I'm sorry, so sorry there is so much pain in the world. I wish for all the pain to just go away.

Down With The Sickness

We are SO down with The Sickness, right now! It really is good times had by all in our house.

It all started with letting Nae go to a slumber party last weekend. Fairly harmless. It wasn't at my house, so I was fine with it. We had a nice quiet evening at home with Zilla, while Nae was gone. We picked her up Saturday morning on our way to the in-laws' house. We put Nae to work and they gave her $200 toward her DC trip! WOOOHOOO!!! Side note: after MUCH debating and tears and over coming fears, we decided to let her go. My palms are sweaty just thinking about it. It's the right choice, we know. I got a lot of information and even though I can't go, a bloggy friend told me she lives a few hours from DC and would check up on Nae if needed. How amazing is she?! Plus there are quite a few bloggers that live in the are that I might be able to bribe with chocolate to stalk Nae ;o) Anyway...sorry went a little off road. Monday went well, Nae was a bit stuffy, but no big deal. She then comes home from school on Wednesday telling me that one of the girls from the party has STREP THROAT!!!! I was and still am pretty pissed off about this. I'm sure the girl didn't know she was sick, neither did her parents *I hope* but it still pisses me off. We've been very lucky with the kids not getting sick. Zilla has never been on antibiotics and Nae has only been on them once, when she was 6 months old. I put the kids to bed on Wednesday and go and have a few drinks with a friend of mine. Both the kids are feeling fine, Nae just has the sniffles. So, my "good mom" badge is still in tact for this month, at least. I had a great time with my friend! It was just us two and we talked about boys, had a few drinks and came home. The next morning I woke up feeling horrible! Like someone stuffed my head full of Poprocks, horrible. It wasn't a hangover, I know that feeling all to well. Husband and I laid on the couch most of the day and he snuggled with me while I whinnied and got me water and such. Two points for him!

As the day wore on, I felt progressively worse. Head colds suck! Thursday wasn't too bad. I wasn't as stuff, just SO tired. Plus my period was about to start..awesome! I wasn't too bitchy, just whinny and emotional. So far it was just me who had gotten run over by this cold. That is until Nae fell asleep at 7 and didn't budge until I woke her up for school on Friday. She threw her blanket up over her head and moaned. She is usually the first one up, so I knew she wasn't feeling well. I walked away slowly and got Zilla up and out of there. Zilla goes to school and Nae gets up around 9 or so, looking like she just got over a two day bender. Poor kid. We laid on the couch all day watching movies or she was in her room watching TV. It was a mellow day. She was feeling better by the end of it, so hopefully that was the worst of it. I figured if she and I were the only ones to get it then we were saved. Plus I sprayed about a can of Lysol all over EVERYTHING! There is a nice thick coat of Lysol all over anything that could possibly be touched by someone infected.

It didn't help :-| We woke up this morning with Husband sneezing and hacking and Zilla talking funny. So far *knocks on wood* it seems to be just a cold and not STREP THROAT. I just hope everyone is feeling semi well by tomorrow because that will be the day I look at my daughter and wonder who said she could turn 12. I know I didn't give her permission to be an almost teenager. I'm having an OK time with this, Husband on the other hand....not so much. He doesn't like his little girl growing up. It's funny because, he's become WAY more over protective of her then he was when she was little. I guess I can understand because he use to be a 12 year old boy.

I hope everyone has a GREAT weekend! I'm hoping to have a great one, despite of The Sickness that has invaded our home.

It's My Turn, Now!

Apparently all the cool kids are doing the ABC's of themselves for ICLW this month. And who would I be if I didn't copy them and do it, as well? I was planning on doing it for the first day of ICLW, but I forgot. Yes, I am THAT lame *sigh* Since I continue to see it everywhere, I'm going to do it now. It's kind of cheating, but I eh, I'm OK with that. I'm also OK with cheating at pool, too. Which, I did last night and it wasn't taken kindly...lol The guys we were playing with are hard core pool players and the look they gave me, you would've thought I just drank their precious beer. I looked at me and said "I never told you I was good at this game, NOR did I tell you I wasn't a cheater". I then cheated for them and they forgave me. YAY for forgiveness!!

OK here goes...
A: Asshole. I've met a few in my life and they continue to astound me with their ways.

B: Best friend. Mine lives 3 hours away from me, but might be moving back soon. Selfishly, I think that would be AWESOME, but that would mean her and her boyfriend broke up. Bloggy friends. I love you all!

C: Chocolate is what I gave up for Lent and NEVER cheated once! Oh and chap stick! I am addicted to chap stick. I have one in every room of the house, in every purse *that's A LOT*, and one in the car.

D: Dirty Martinis are my favorite drink ever! They must be made with vodka, have three olives and extra dirty. Mmmmmmm so yummy.

E: Expensive taste in purses. I'm a whore for Coach. I'd LIKE to be a whore for Louis Vuitton, but I'm doubting that's going to happen anytime soon.

F: Family is very important to me. Even more, since my mom passed.

G: George is my dad's name. He's been called "Papa Georgio" by my friends lately, which makes me smile every time.

H: Hell is where I'm going, with a jet pack on ;o)

I: ICLW is here!

J: Judy is my mom's name.

K: Killer is the body type I'm goin for.

L: Long. I have very long hair. I'd love to have a short "sassy do" but that cut does NOT look good on me.

M: Mowing a lawn. Something I've never done in my whole life.

N: Nose. I like mine and am glad I got my dad's genes on that one.

O: Obama is our president!

P: Princess is what my husband calls me. I know it's disgusting and annoying, but it totally fits.

Q: Quirky. I'm very quirky. I can't even begin to explain how true this is.

R: Rose. My favorite flower. Black roses to be specific.

S: Sensitive. I wish I wasn't so sensitive sometimes, but I am and I'd rather be more then not at all.

T: Texting. I text A LOT. Just ask Heather and Liv. Those poor girls probably wish they had never given me their numbers. And Trailblazers, who are in the PLAYOFFS and have a game on Friday *biting nails*

U: Umbrella. I have a Coach umbrella and it's SO cute!

V: Virginity, I lost it at a decent age and don't regret it.

W: Weebles Wobblog had a contest and I won! It took me a few days and A LOT of reading, but I did it. Her clues were great!

X: X-ray. I've had a few of them and I know how to work the machines!

Y: Year. This one is going better then the last few years have gone.

Z: Zuma. I'm addicted tot his game and have beaten it many times.

A Little of This and a Little of That

Uhhhh don't sit in the sun without sunblock. EVEN if you never get a burn. EVEN if you were wearing a white top and wasn't in the sum that long.

My dad is Indonesian and my mom had a bit of Indian in her, so I have a darker complexion and I never burn. I use to never burn. Now, apparently, I do. This was on Monday and it's now Wednesday and the burn is pretty much gone. It didn't hurt at all, but it was a pretty dumb move on my part. Now I have to break out the oil and the blanket and even up my back because that sport's bra tan line just looks ridiculous!

The game was last night and the Blazers WON!!!! WOOOHOOO!!!! It was a stressful game. Nobody was letting up on anybody. The refs decided that their whistles do, in fact work and were calling fouls. There were more fouls called in the first quarter then in the whole game on Saturday. But we won! It was a hard win, too. The final score was 107-103. EEK that's a little too close, guys. Next stop Houston to play in THEIR house. Good news is, that there will be a game 5 and that will be in Portland. *YAY* The Lakers won last night, too. Not too sure how I feel about that, though. I don't care for either the Lakers or the Utah Jazz, although it would be fun for the Lakers to beat Utah and then we can beat the Lakers *fans self* THAT would be an AMAZING series! And I'm sure Jenn is a happy girl today because HER Cavs won last night, too. Her and I are hoping for a Cavs/Blazer final, but we shall see. That was a pretty sweet dunk LaBron did, huh Jenn?

I need some advice, Internets. I have a roommate, whom I love. She's not a bad roommate. Nor is she a bad friend. She's gone through some stuff as of late. She is SLOWLY "coming out of the closet" to her family and a few of her friends. I'm very happy for her and I hope that when she decides to be honest with herself, this will make her a happier person. Right now, she isn't the same person she use to be. She's irritable, sleeps all the time, complains about her job, and ALWAYS goes to the bar. She's a single gal without any children, so she can pretty much do anything she wants. And she does and I've never passed judgement on her. If I disagree with a decision she's made or about to make, I'll let her know, but I'll always be there to support her. I'm aware that I can't make her happy unless she wants to be happy. I can't "fix" her. It sucks, but she needs to make this work on her own. The thing I need some help on is that her birthday is coming up and she wants to have a "rager" at our house, on a school night! I don't mind her having a BBQ and having a few friends over, drinking a few beers at all! What I do mind is her TELLING me that she will not be accountable for her or her friend's actions and it's her birthday and it's one day a year. Yes, it's a once a year thing, but our kids have to go to school the next day. If it was on a weekend, I'd see if they could stay at their friends' house or something, but not a Wednesday night!

I talked to her about it yesterday and she acted like I just told her she has to give up her truck. She was mopey and whinny. Both of which, drive me up a wall! I'm frustrated because I'm asking for a compromise and she's not willing to compromise. With her, it's all or nothing. Her life here int his house with us, really isn't so bad. We buy the food, I do all the cooking, Husband cleans the kitchen, the kids clean up after themselves. So all she really has to do is do her won laundry, keep her room clean, and heat up a plate of leftovers if/when she's hungry. Seriously, that's a pretty sweet deal! I wish I had a set up like that!

So my question is, do you think I'm being unreasonable? I know you're getting just the one side and all, but please give me your honest advice. Even if it's unflattering to me. I will not budge on the children staying here at their home. They will not be going to any body's house on a school night, but I am willing to make a BBQ work for her birthday.

I'm trying really hard to convince my dad to move closer to me. My sister isn't taking very good care of him. Well, she isn't taking care of him like I would. I know we're different, but dad is doing more taking care of her and her kids then she taking care of him. That bothers me a lot. My dad shouldn't have to be watching my sister's kid because their father doesn't want her new boyfriend to watch them. Really?!

OK, I'm out....this is getting long....er and boring....er
Have a great day!

Happy ICLW!

Welcome everyone! It's my favorite time of the month, YAY!!!

Here's a bit of a rundown of me and what my blog is about....

I am a wife to my *generally* wonderful husband for almost 16 years. The first two years of our relationship were apart, as he was in the Navy. It sucked and I'm glad that time in our life is over. Although if he were to do that again, I'd support him 100% We have two children. Nae will be 12 on Sunday *cry*. Nae is our first and very mature child. She's is an amazing student and a great big sister to her brother Zilla. Zilla is 5 and just started kindergarten this year. He started out a bit behind, but it catching up quite well.

It took us 5 years with 2 miscarriages to conceive Zilla. I was never diagnosed with infertility, but SOMETHING went on there. I'm pretty sure it has to do with pelvic inflammatory disease and all the after affects, I/we dealt with when Nae was 1 1/2 years old.

When we were pregnant with Zilla, we decided to get my tubes "tied". I don't do pregnancy well and we felt this was the right decision for our family. I don't regret our decision, but I do, on occasion, think about the "what ifs".

I also talk about my mom, who passed away a little over 3 years ago due to lung cancer. I ran from grief and the pain of losing her up until January when I made myself face the facts of reality. Which totally suck, by the way. My mom was one of my best friends and when she died, a piece of me died with her that day in January. I still struggle with it, but it's getting easier to allow myself to feel the pain of her being gone. I've realize that the pain will never go away, but I will learn to cope with it as the days, week, and years go by.

Family and friends are very important to me. I'll do what I can when I can to help anyone. I love this blogging community, I am in. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I've met many beautiful people through this blog. Without them, I can't even begin to imagine where I would be.

I hope everyone has fun finding new blogs and getting to know each other.
~Beautiful Mess

Show and Tell: Rip City Uprise

We made it!!! Now all we have to do is STAY here. The Portland Trailblazers are in the playoffs for the first time in 6 years! We are the youngest team in the NBA, but we made it in. We were just about laughed off the court when our number one pick in the draft hurt himself and didn't play at all last season, but Oden proved them all wrong. We have rookies starting, and our coach was questioned about that, but who's gotten West Coast Division Coach of the month, two months in a row? It was OUR coach. Ya know the one all the "analysts" questioned? We have one of the best records when playing at home in the NBA. The Rosegarden is a force to be reckoned with. Our general manger and our owner are good guys who are willing to let our team jell before they make any trading decisions. Because everyone worked so hard together, we made it to the 2009 playoffs!

Yes, the game on Saturday was at home and our boys choked a bit. Like an 30 point difference choke, but we still have 6 more games. Hopefully our boys realized just how BIG the playoffs are and it isn't just like any other game. If they don't, well we've got next year. No Blazer fan can say they are disappointed in these boys because NOBODY expected them to make it this far. Plus these boys are an amazing group of guys. They've gotten their fans back, they've gotten the whole state behind them, and they have other teams scratching their heads wondering exactly how they were beat by 20+ points by the youngest team in the NBA.

I'm just thankful to have a team of men whom I could run into at the grocery store and say hi and get a "hi" back. There aren't any run ins with the police about drugs, domestic abuse, driving without a license, or getting into fights in the locker room with the coach. I am proud of be a Blazer fan, once again!

This house will be a house full of tense moments on Tuesday when we play the Rockets again, but not matter what, I'm proud of our team. I'd still like to get as far in the play offs to play the Lakers and SMASH them, but we'll see what happens.

"It's a good day to be a Blazer, again" Bill Schonley



Go check out what the rest of the class is bringing!

How To Make Your Husband Stutter

Actually, this is how I made MY husband stutter. After almost 16 years of marriage, I still got IT!

Easter was great! The day before I made all the pies, and didn't screw up any of them! Although, I did cheat and buy pie crusts, because I don't have a rolling pin. Either way, all FIVE of the pies were delicious.

On Easter Sunday, I prepared everything and put it all in the oven at the appropriate times. I put the ham in the oven and jumped in the shower. I hurry and shower, blow dry my hair and get ready for the day. As I'm in the bedroom, I decide to wear a dress. It was a little boob-a-licious, but I figured Husband wouldn't mind one bit. As I was getting my panties and bra to wear, I saw IT and was struck with evil thoughts. I grabbed my thigh highs and garter belt and put them on, put on my dress and then my knee high black boots. Yes, that's right, I totally whored up Easter.

I walk down the hall way as Husband was doing something. He turns around and I flash him my legs. He smiles and stuttered. From that moment on, he followed me around grabbing my ass and trying to get a peek at my thighs. It was great fun.

Then all of our guests arrived, everything went off without a hitch. Even when Husband was talking to his brother *who's back was to me* and looked up at me and I flashed him again. Poor guy got so lost, he couldn't even finish his sentence. I smiled and walked into the kitchen. He really wanted to start a "fight" with me so we could go into our room and "discuss" it, but I told him we couldn't do that. So, for hours with a house full of people who had NO idea what was going on, my poor husband couldn't think about anything but his "hot, sexy" wife. As you can tell, I feel VERY badly for acting like such a whore on Sunday *giggles*

I love the fact that after almost 16 years of marriage, I can still make my husband look twice at me. No matter how I feel about myself, he always finds me very sexy. That, right there, is better then anything else!

Going Purple for Maddie

I don't think many don't know about Maddie. I didn't know about her until I read Becky's post about Maddie, her mom, Heather, and her dad Mike. Today I read Becky's post about Maddie's March Of Dimes' donation site going from $3,000 to OVER $20,000! That is pretty amazing.

Although, many aren't in a position to make a donation, there are still ways we can do SOMETHING. You can go here and get a badge and wear purple and turn your blog purple, to remember Maddie. But what we still need to do, how you can still help is to donate to the Spohr’s to cover the prohibitive cost of the funeral (around $7,000). Go to the PayPal site and punch in the email formaddie@hotmomreviews.com if you want to donate. Give what you can, when you can. Let’s ease their burden as best we can.

In honor of Maddie, and to show that just because I didn't "know" her and her family I still care, I am going purple. It's the least I can do.

Heather and Mike, words can not express the heart break I am feeling for you. I am praying for you and sending you so many hugs. I'm wishing you a peaceful heart.

Damn THAT Store!

*picture found on walmart.com*


I caved. I wasn't going to return it. I was just going to either sew the corner *laughs* or make the bed so that corner doesn't show. But after thinking about it for a few days, I felt I deserved a new one. So, I went to return my bed in a bag set today and they wouldn't take it back*BASTARDS*! I went to wal-mart aka the store where you can wear your DIRTY pajamas to, apparently. I told the gal at the customer service desk that I didn't have my receipt and I'd be more then happy with store credit. I specifically told her that I would prefer store credit. They called the department supervisor over and she couldn't allow a return because it was torn. So the gal called the store manager. The gals turned away from me to talk to the store manager and when she turned back around she told me that she couldn't return it because it was ripped. Yes, I'm aware it is ripped, that is why I'm returning it dumbass. I bit my tongue and didn't say that. I was very polite and asked if there was something I can do. "Should I call the company that makes it? Should I call corporate office and talk to them?" I wasn't trying to scam anyone, all I wanted was something that wasn't ruined to put on my bed. The answer I got was "well it is material, so if it gets tugged, it will rip." Oh so you're telling me that a comforter that is machine washable and goes on a bed is so fragile that if it gets "tugged" it will tear? So I walk away, still being polite vowing that I will WIN this, don't think I won't. I came home and sent an email to wal-mart's head office. Lets see who wins now, bitch!

I don't think I'm out of line. I don't think I asked for anything out of the ordinary. I didn't even ask for cash back! Just store credit or an exchange. But I got neither. I can't wait to see how this all ends. I DAMN well get a gift card in the mail for $48.96. I'll accept more, of course, but no less!

Songs That Use To Make Me Cry

After my mom died, there were a few songs that I could NOT and would NOT listen to. Sometimes I would get the courage up to listen to the song or watch the video, but as soon as I'd start welling up, I'd either walk out of the room or turn off the song. These songs were my enemy. I know it's dumb and dosn't make ANY sense, but I really hated these songs. As well as a few shows that I use to watch. I've come around quite a bit, as of late. When I loaded some new songs onto my ipod, I put a few of them on there. WOOO, go me! I'm getting to be such a big girl ;0)

The first one was 2AM, by Anna Nalick. Every time I heard this song, I would bawl. Not listen tears, either. I'd try to hold back the tears and try to make it until the end of the song, I failed every single time. I'd choke on my tears and hiccup, the cry so was forceful. I'd get all pissed off and turn off the song, wipe away the tears and move on. Totally unhealthy, I know, but it's what I did. Now I can listen to the song AND watch the video and not cry at all. Which is nice, because the song is a really great song. Plus she has an amazing voice. Beautiful Mess: 1 Grief: eleventy billion.


The next song is by Joe Purdy Can't Get It Right Today. It was on an episode of Grey's Anatomy and a car commercial last year. The first time I heard this song, I thought "OMG this is PERFECT for me! I must have this song". PFFFTTTT what! ever! Husband found the song for me and then one day I really listened to it and the tears were flowing down my cheeks. I felt like giving up and I could get anything right, just like he says in the song. The tune of the song, makes me think it'll be a light hearted song, which is why I liked it in the first place. THEN I listened to the words and realized it was a sad song! Really Joe?! Is it necessary for you to trick me into liking this song, only to hate it because it makes me cry? That's not a very funny joke, just so you know. Now, however, I really like the song and can listen to it without even tearing up. SWEET! Beautiful Mess: 2 Grief: eleventy billion. I'm catching up...



Nickelback! I love them! I love their music, plus Chad is just a wee bit yummy!*waves* Hi Chad! It wasn't the song that made me cry, it was the VIDEO! A young couple is laying in their bed and he gets a call to go fight a fire and she thinks he dies in the fire. But at the end of the video he comes back and they embrace and are SO happy that he's alive, blah, blah, blah. Insert cry fest here. It has a sweet ending, that's GREAT, but I didn't get a sweet ending, so I totally hated the song. Now, I can listen to the song AND watch the video and I don't get that lump in my throat. Beautiful Mess: 3 Grief: eleventy billion. I'll catch up soon.



Jay-Z...ahhh how I do love Jay-Z! I was really excited for his new album to come out a few years ago after his retirement. I listened to the album non-stop, except track number 8. I always skipped that song. He's rapping (?) singing (?) about his mom. How he "made it" because of his mom. He totally gives props to his mom. The first time I listened to it, I couldn't even finish it. As soon as I heard "mom", off the song went and on to the next track. Now I can listen to the song and feel pride at how my mom would feel to know how I've made it. Beautiful Mess: 4 Grief: elventy billion
*I couldn't find the video for this song so you get the lyric widget*



Lyrics | Jay-Z Lyrics | I Made It Lyrics

There is still one song I can't listen to, though. I can listen to it, but not without crying. I just tried to listen to it, but started to get that lump and then I hit pause. Hey Jude by The Beatles. My mom's name is Judy and we always said it was her song. The song isn't about a woman, actually a man, but we would call me mom "Jude" sometimes. So this song, is still on my "no, no" list. I don't know when, if ever I will be able to listen to it. Maybe someday, but that day is not today. Beautiful Mess: 4 Grief: eleventy billion and ONE....bitch

In A Mood

I'm not sure exactly why I'm cranky today, but I am. It might be because Husband has a tummy ache and he isn't so pleasant to be round when he isn't feelin so well. It might be that we have A LOT of people coming over for Easter on Sunday and I haven't really cleaned much. It might be because I feel like everything is being done at the last minute and I'm going to go CRAZY on Saturday and Sunday. Or it could be that I was getting a class out of my cupboard this morning and I had a flash of my mom's face. It was weird. I'm sure it has to do with Easter coming up because that was always a big holiday in our house growing up. We would shop for weeks for the perfect Easter dress for my little sister and I. We'd have the shoes, tights, hat, and even a purse. We would go to church and then go to a relatives house for dinner and egg hunts.

Easter was the first holiday we had after she passed. We had to get over the first one in order to move on. Well, THEY had to get over the first one in order to move on. For me, this is my first one. Hopefully, it will be a good thing that EVERYONE is going to be at our house on Sunday and I won't end up in a puddle of tears on the kitchen floor gripping my wine bottle. Although, that would make a lovely holiday tradition. Oh how it would make my MIL frown and be SO concerned because she thinks I drink too much. Hmmm maybe I'll do it, just to throw a wrench in the day. Lets see how my ham turns out first. If I burn it, I'm going to end up on the floor clutching my wine bottle. If I don't, I'll play the "perfect DIL role".

Jenn has been making a gratitude list all week long. She's been in a bit of a funk herself and wants to list things she's grateful for. After reading her list today, I decided to steal her idea and make a list of my own. Hopefully I'll be able to get over myself and change my mood around. It's worth a shot!

I am grateful for:
1: My phone. If I didn't have my cell phone, I would be able to text randomly about nothing.
2: Chapstick. Without my chapstick, my lips would be so dry and cracked.
3: My bloggy friends. Without you, I wouldn't have anyone to whine too or celebrate with.
4: My friends IRL. Without them, I wouldn't have a social life and I'd be even MORE of a crabby bitch then I am right now.
5: My husband. Even though he isn't in the best of moods right now, it will pass and we'll be laughing and joking again.
6: My body: Yes, it's failed me many times, but there have been times when it hasn't failed me. Like being strong enough to run a MILE!
7: My cute coffee cup. It's a to-go cup and it keeps my coffee warm so I won't dump it out and waste it.
8: The grocery store. Where I can buy yummy delicious foods like kiwi fruit...mmmmm
9: Our hot water heater which allows me to take a HOT bath or shower after a long workout.
10: My ipod. I can plug the ear buds into my ears and block out everything else and get over myself!

Well now, that wasn't TOO hard. It improved my mood slightly, but hey, I'll take it!

Sock It To Me, Thank You!

Look at my super cute socks! They have chicks on them AND one of the chicks has wiggly eyes. Oh how I love them!

Kimbosue was my sock buddy! She even sent me a card and chocolate. I would take a picture of the chocolate, but as soon as I tore open the box and found the chocolate...well I had to put it up in a HIGH cupboard so I wouldn't be tempted to eat it. You better believe it that I am going to eat every single piece on Easter, though. Thank you SO much Kimbo! I absolutely love these socks I will wear them and think of you and your love. I will also think about the love and support of this community. My sock buddy was Sunflowerchilde and I sent her some socks and she told me she liked them. Hopefully she does.

I would have NEVER imagined being so welcome in this community. Not because of anyone, but because I would think I wouldn't fit in well. I couldn't have been more wrong.

In December and January when I was allowing myself to face my mother's death and not run from it anymore, I received SO much support. Every comment that I get means so much to me. It makes me feel special. I could be having a horrible day, or the best day ever and there is never an unkind word.

We all joke around and tease each other with love, but when one of us is down, we all rally to her side. THAT is what I love about all of you people. We rejoice in the good and we offer kind words for the bad. Not a day goes by that I don't think about all the lovely, beautiful people I have come across since becoming involved in this community. The generosity and love pushes me to be a better person. That is a priceless gift that I will always cherish.

For more bloggy love and socky goodness, go over to Kym's page and check them all out. It's a socky love fest and it's GREAT!

This is For You, Eden.

I've said before that I'm from The City, but we live in a farming town. The City we use to live in, wasn't a metropolitan city, it was more like a "everyone has money" type of city. Our high school was full of BMW's and Mercedes and we had a lot of friend who's parents were lawyers and doctors. The town we live in now is full of beat up 4x4's and people go up in the hills to go "muddin". I, personally, have never gone and I doubt I ever will. I like the roads I travel on to be paved.

Awhile ago, I mentioned that it isn't out of the ordinary to see a tractor rumbling town the street. Especially during "harvesting season". I honestly have no idea when this is or what is harvested, but it's usually around spring time and the fall. Every time I see a tractor going down the street, I jump up and down and get all excited. I usually point and say something like "hey look, a tractor! it driving down the STREET!!" My friends usually roll their eyes because they've grown up with this. When I had mentioned this, Eden told me to take a picture the next time I see one. So I did! I actually took two, but those tractors are fast! Who knew? I ran to the end of my friend's driveway and snapped a pic, but he was almost behind a car and all I got was the end of him. So, what does this smart gal do? She runs into the middle of street telling the guy to slow down so I can get a pic for Eden and all my bloggy friends. I don't think he heard me because he just kept going. I did snap the picture but you can barley see it, but it IS there.

My husband and our friends were totally laughing at me wondering wtf I was doing. When I explained it to them, they just stood there, looking at me like I had 3 heads. *sigh* boys, they just don't understand!

There ya go! Proof that I do, in fact, live in a "farm town" where a tractor rolling down the street is only news to me.

Show and Tell: New Bedding

See my pretty new bedding? The bedding that isn't TOO girly or TOO masculine? Not to shabby. Do you ALSO notice how my curtains don't even match my pretty new bedding? Nope, not even a LITTLE bit! It's a little on the tacky side, I agree.

This is how we got our new bedding to not match our curtains. I'll tell you this so you won't have the same problem I do....
We went to that fun store that loves to suck us dry, affectionately know as "wally world" in our house. We went there after we had already been to a store to buy some items we needed to work out with. We were kind of on a time crunch and only went there to get a few items. We remembered we needed a bed skirt because apparently you can't dry a bed skirt? I wasn't aware of this until AFTER I had washed it. So, we're strolling down the isles and Husband sees a really nice bed set. We never agree on a bed set and have had the same one for YEARS. We didn't even buy that one, my parents gave it to us. I liked it AND he liked it AND the price wasn't too bad. We're looking at it and I wasn't even thinking about our curtains, I was just so excited that we were agreeing on something. Upon looking at it more closely, we realized it didn't come with a bed skirt. The ONE thing we really need. That pretty bed set went back on the shelf and I cried a bit. It was SO nice, too! Oh well, at least Husband is committed to looking for a new one. All hope is not lost.

We go down another isle and we see a few sets that either he liked and I didn't or I liked and he didn't. Finally we agree on the one we got. It's has some blue in it, as well as some beige as does our curtains. The funny part about all of this is that I DID pick up the one that matches our curtains, but we thought that would be TOO much red, so we both nixed it. We purchased it and came home to make our bed.

The set is perfect, it has sheets, pillow cases, a bed skirt AND comforter that ALL match. We're happily making our bed and joking around and it's all made. It all looks so nice, until...I look up at our curtains. "Uhhh babe? This set doesn't match our curtains! Not even a little bit!" That's what I said in a panic. He said, "you said it would look fine." "well clearly I was wrong, what are we gonna do?!" Still pretty panicked. His answer was "Oh it's fine, it's not even that big of a deal. Nobody cares." Because he is a man and has NO idea what I'm talking about, I leave the subject alone. Obviously he doesn't care that our curtains don't match our bedding, although I can't really blame him. It really isn't THAT big of a deal, but it's still bugging me.

Thankfully those curtains can go in our front room and we can get new ones for our room OR we can buy new bedding because I washed our comforter today and it TORE! The corner came apart and I can see the batting on the inside. I could sew it, but I haven't even had it for a week! Oh and I'm not all that great at sewing. Plus, if I do sew it, it'll just come unraveled again when I wash it. I'm a bit miffed about it, but then again..you get what you pay for. The whole thing was less then $50. Oh well...live and learn, right?!



Go on over and see what else is being brought to class.

A Little help, Please? And An award or Two...

Becky over at Mommy Wants Vodka got an email from k@lakly over at this is not what I had planned.

K@laky took her son, Carson in for his 4 month check up and immunizations. He got his diphtheria/tetanus/(and)pertussis, Haemophilus influenzae type b, polio, and prevnar shots. Yesterday, he also ended up in anaphylaxis and stopped breathing. His momma (thank GOD) got him to the hospital in time and he’s stable now (thank GOD).

The doctors have no idea why this happened or what is going on. So if ANYONE has heard about this, please go over to Becky's page or k@laky's page and pass along the info.



A Mom in Jacksonville, FL over at Alana-isms gave me an award! She really did! I promise I didn't steal it from her running away yelling "mine ALL mine" all the while laughing an evil laugh. She gave me the Lemonade Award. How cool is THAT?! This Lemonade Award is given to bloggers in recognition of "great attitude or gratitude."Awww she thinks I have a great attitude! I do try. I can't help it, I'm such a Polly Anna and "rainbows and sunshine, bitches" type of girl.

I've seen this award on almost all of the blogs I read. I'll do my best to pass it on to someone who hasn't gotten it, yet.

Here's what to do:
1. Put the Lemonade Award logo on your blog or post
2. Nominate blogs that show great attitude or gratitude
3. Link to your nominees within your post
4. Let the nominees know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog
5. Share the love and link to the person from whom you received your award.

I'm going to give this award to Jenn over at The Infertile Sushi Loving Princess. She's been doing her best not to let things get her down. She's been making lists of things to be thankful and not concentrate on the negative in her life. I know that feeling and it totally sucks. She's doing an AMAZING job and hopefully this award will give her that little boost. Jenn, you rock and you're doing a GREAT job!



This one is different. It started off as a double dog dare from Liv to Eve. Those two girls are CRAZY FUNNY! Apparently Eve didn't realize her blog needed a warning label on it. If you haven't read it, go NOW! But, don't drink ANYTHING unless you want to buy a new keyboard. Liv made a cute graphic for Eve to put on her blog and even DOUBLE dog dared her, but Eve didn't take her up on the offer, until the other day. She realized that Liv may have a point. So, Eve put the warning label on her blog and also made an award in honor of Liv. Seriously, the love fest going on with those two is making me all girly and mushy inside. But, ladies if you two make me cry, I won't be a very happy blogger and I WILL blame it ALL on you. Just so you know...

Here's the run down of the award:

"So this one’s for you, Liv. Your own award (I didn’t misspell that first word, it’s named after you!). For someone who is so sweet, thoughtful, funny, honest, and such a gem to find on this rocky walk of infertility. You are my kindred spirit and I’m so very glad I’ve gotten to meet you, if only through a computer.

I wish for you that this painful journey of infertility ends soon…but promise to be there for you if it doesn’t. I’ll also promise you this: you WILL be a momma someday, some-way. Believe it. I believe it with all my heart that you will.

Big hugs to you!

So in honor of Liv, first of all, I’m hoping you’ll all pop in on her bloghouse and give her some bloglove (especially if you feel the same way I do about her). But I’m passing this award out differently. I cherish each of you who read these words of mine, I really do. And your comments make my heart smile with gratitude.

Here’s the challenge: take the “Liv, Laugh, Love” award and give it to ONE special person. Take the time on your blog to acknowledge what they’ve done for you emotionally or spiritually. Devote the whole post to them. Even if you don’t have a blog, feel free to copy this icon and e-mail it to a good IFer friend. I know many of you who read me don’t blog, but are connected to the IF community nonetheless.

I know this is a smaller scale type of award, but I kind of like small-scale. It feels right to me.
Bless you all!"

How awesome is THAT?! There are SO many ladies I want to give this award too. I can't just give it to ONE.

There have been so many ladies who have helped me through some really difficult times in my life. From pulling me out of the black pit of pain when I was coming to the realization that my mom is dead and not coming back to finding the courage to talk to my dad about "Uncle Douche Bag" thank you Heather for that term, it's PERFECT! Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to give this award to one gal and then I'm going to continue to give it to gals I think deserve it. I'm a rule breaker, what can I say? I doubt Liv OR Eve is going to mind me giving this beautiful award to more then one gal.



Heather,
I'm giving this ward to you for many reasons. From the time we first "met" I've laughed and cried because of our emails. Although, I do HATE crying, I won't get mad at you for it. Apparently my body needed it. I'm so lucky to have "met" you and I don't know what I would do without you in my life.

You're a beautiful, amazing, caring, and selfless woman. You're a great mom and a great friend. Your support in this community is undying and I don't know what we would do without you.

Thank you for being YOU!
Love ya, girl!

They Said IT, so I did IT!

Oh hell yeah, I did IT! Heather said it was National Cleavage day and we MUST post pictures of our cleavage! Who am I to turn down this beautiful holiday? Since Nancy did it, and provided that cute little link up there, I'll be like the cool kids and do it, too.

I seriously LOVE my boobs. I use to be MAYBE a B cup..we're talking like big A/small B size. In out family EVERYONE has big boobs and I was always made fun of my lack of chest. I lived with it, it wasn't REALLY that big of a deal. But then I got pregnant with Nae and they got HUGE and stayed HUGE! I was all excited and did all kinds of dances around the front room, wearing low cut tops and such. All my friend who I hadn't seen in years would ask me if I had a boob job. Then I got pregnant with Zilla and these puppies were out of control! After nursing him, they stayed big, but not TOO big. Now, I'm a D cup and I'm very happy with them. I'd like to get a realignment, but nobody's breasts are perfect. I can go without a bra if I chose to and they don't hang down past my belly button. I'm still not use to them and I'm often found feeling myself up. Just to make sure they are still there, ya know? Husband loves them, as well as the suckers at the bar who buy our drinks.

HOORAY FOR BEWBIES!!! Who else is in? Come ON you know you want too!

Learning To Let Go

This is going to be a VERY emotional post about my almost 12 year old daughter growing up. If you're having any type of rough day, you might want to click away.







It all started almost 12 years ago...God TWELVE YEARS?! So crazy! I've always been so happy as her mother. She's a great child. She was a bit of a pain in The Belly, and always wanted to be held when she was born, but really? If those are my "complaints" then I'm a very happy woman.

She went to work with me when she was 2 1/2, we were rarely separated. Husband and I decided when we were pregnant with her, that we didn't want to raise our child with various babysitters and family members watching her. We watched my sister hand her son off to us, my parents and anyone else who would watch him so she could go party. We wanted to be responsible parents. And we succeeded! She didn't stay the night at any one's house including my parents, until she was about a year old. When she did stay the night, we called every hour to see how she was. We picked her up very early the next day. If she had a "play date', I went along. Yes, I am a very over-protective parent thank you very much.

When she started school, it was bittersweet for us. We were excited to have some "couple" time, but MAN, was I going to miss my little girl. Off she went to school and meet a bunch of new friends. We did homework and she was fine, of course. Then off to first grade, second, third, fourth, fifth, and now SIXTH grade. She had a few bumps along the way, but she's always been a great student and a great daughter. We've never really had any emotional moments with her. There's been some, but on the whole, we've been very lucky to have a wonderful daughter.

Now she's in sixth grade and OH! MY! GOD! Do I want time to STOP! She came to me a few weeks ago and said a boy "asked her out". Yeah I am unsure what the details are to that when one is in sixth grade. I knew what it meant when I was in sixth grade, but that was a LONG time ago. So is it different now? What does this boy expect? What does Nae expect? I really wanted to run away with her and tell her boys are horrible creatures, but I didn't. I asked her what it meant and what they did, as much as I didn't want to know the answer, I knew I had to ask. Thankfully the answer was harmless. I did tell her that if he did anything to her, I would walk into her class and have a "chat" with him in front of the whole class. I also told her to tell him this. She did and he promised to be a nice boy. Damn right, you promise to be a nice boy. Because I may be Mrs. Beautiful Mess, but my husband, her FATHER is MISTER Beautiful Mess and has no problem hurting him. Anyway....sorry I'm getting off topic here.

My realizing that it is time to learn to let go a little of my little girl. It's time to maybe leave her home alone every once in awhile. It may be time to allow her to go over to her friend's house after school instead of having them all over here where I can keep tabs on them. It may be time to show my daughter I trust her. Because I DO trust her, she has never done anything that would make me not trust her. This is all coming to a head because she has an AMAZING opportunity to go to Washington D.C. in 2010.

This is a school trip that the eighth graders get to go on every year. I don't know all the details, but what I do know is I really want her to go on this trip. It's going to cost A LOT of money, but it's SO worth it. The year and 3 months leading up to the trip has so much potential for learning. She could do work for money for our neighbors for her trip. She could do chores around the house, she can research all the great places they will be going on this trip. She can work harder in school to make sure her grades don't slip. I'm so excited for the possibility for her to go on this trip, but at the same time, I am so scared. She's going to go to THE EAST COAST! Without me! What will we do if something happens to her? What will she do if she gets homesick? Will they lose my kid? I know they're all eighth graders and therefore more responsible, but STILL! They're only EIGHTH GRADERS!!! I know we want her to go on this trip and I know it's a WONDERFUL opportunity for her, but she's my baby. I'm SO hoping that I can score a ticket to go with. I know that isn't part of letting go, but for the love of Goddess...it's hard to let go.

Guess Who's Having a Birthday Tomorrow?

Nope, it's not me. Sadly, I have to wait 8 more months until my birthday *cry* Tomorrow is Coffee Girl's birthday! I don't know if she wants me to reveal her age, so I won't, but you SHOULD go over and wish her a happy birthday.

She lives in Japan, but she's from the Seattle area. She'll be back over this way in a few months and I'm going to do my best to get together with her.

Coffee Girl, this cup of coffee and yummy looking muffin is for you! I thought the design was super cute and coffee is WAY better then cake. OK, maybe it's not, but this cup of coffee is cake flavored..lol So you get the best of both worlds. I wish you a wonderful birthday! Thank you for all the support, YOU ROCK, my friend!!!

This is Getting Redicilous!

So, I'm going along in this game we call "life", doing my own thing, right? Not causing TOO much harm to anyone else. If I do cause harm, it's not my fault, I blame it ALL on that bitch Mother Nature and her gift. That oh so lovely gift she gave me was less then fun. Not to mention the fact that it was when my husband and I had the house to ourselves for the first time in about 11 years, but whatever. We made the best of it with beer *for him* and wine *for me*. We made it work. We spent time on the couch and going out to dinner.

When my dad was here a few weeks ago, I did have a "talk" with him about my Aunt's husband. My world kind of came crashing down upon me and caused me tunnel vision as well as having to concentrate on my breathing. It took me a few days to actually take in the information I received and work through it. I did a lot of staring at the wall and using the phrase "I don't know". I was doing my best to stay present and not block these emotions and the new information. I also, didn't put any Polly Anna spins on it. I called my BFF and tried to work through all of it, it didn't work. Husband knew something was up, so when we had a minute alone, I told him what I found out. I found out, I was not the only one who this douche bag did this too! The whole family knows about it! Apparently he's been "talked too" a few times about it, weird he denies it every time. When I found out this, when everything I knew wasn't true, I was walking back from the market with my dad. I stuttered and said something profound like "I thought I was the ONLY one. All these years I thought it was ME". Of course, I knew it wasn't my fault, but still, that thought always creeped into my head.

I was so shocked. I didn't know what to do, what to think, how this was going to change everything. My only wish was that I had found this information out before I went and picked up my dad from his house when he came to visit. If I had known, I would have marched up to him and gave him a piece of my mind. The thought of doing that still fills me with glee. I'm not entirely sure I won't do that. I rarely see him, so it's not like I can just pop on over there and have a little chat with him. Anyway, it took me a good few days to comprehend all this information. Once I did, I felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I am FINALLY free! It wasn't something "I did" to cause this. It wasn't my fault! All the choices and decisions I've made regarding him are justified. I no longer feel guilty for not bringing my children to family functions or for the fact that they don't know that side of my family. Because it most likely happened to them, too! If they chose to block it or suppress it, then that's THEIR business. I didn't do that and there is no way in hell my children are going over to his house or ANYWHERE near him! I'm sorry that something like this happened to someone else, but if someone had said something SOONER, then this might not have happened to me. We all made our choices in this whole fucked up family scandal and I don't hold any grudges against anyone. I've never been in the situation my parents were in, I can't say what I would or wouldn't do. Because I don't know. I hope to God I NEVER find out, but I can't make judgements.

When I talked to Husband about this, I felt guilty for being relieved that it wasn't just me, but once I processed all the information, I'm good. I really am. There's no more guilt, there is satisfaction that I made the right choice. If any of my family wants to see me or my children, then they can come to my house or we can meet elsewhere. Now I can be completely honest with them. I don't have to make up excuses about birthday parties, sickness, or anything else I can pull out of my ass in the moment. I can just tell them we won't be going and that's THAT! I can't even begin to explain the freedom I'm feeling right now. I feel clean, I don't feel damaged, I don't feel like this is some trait I can pass onto my children and the same thing will happen to them. I know all those things were true before, but now for really really reals, I know.

I will do anything in my power to keep my children safe and never once did I question if I was doing the right thing by keeping them away from him. But I did feel guilty because they don't know my cousins and my aunts very well. Growing up, we were all very close and I would love to have my children be part of that. I'd like them to feel the closeness that I did. But it isn't worth it. It's not worth putting them in the same room whether it'll be "fine" or not. They will not be in the same room, breathing the same air as him, if I can help it. I'm sure there will be funerals or maybe weddings that we will have to attend and he will be there, but no family functions will we be attending anytime soon. And that, my friends, feels pretty damn good!

One last thing, I promise. When I first blogged about this, I was terrified! I've never hid it, but then again I've never shouted at the top of my lungs about it, either. It's a part of me and if you know me well, then I'll let ya in on it. But if I just met ya I won't say "hey there, so I was molested when I was a kid. Nice to meet you". So the decision to blog about something so personal and controversial was scary. Then I got all those comments on my first post. All of you agreed with me, obviously, that I was making the right decision. You all supported me and gave me the courage to stand up for myself. THEN I posted about it again... and AGAIN, I got nothing but support! Thank you, every one of you! Thank you for allowing me to write about something that is not pretty or funny and commenting on it. It's an uncomfortable subject to say the least and you could have easily just clicked away, but you didn't! You read AND you commented. That kind of support is priceless and "thank you" seems so inadequate. But I do thank you, from the bottom of my heart, even. I need to stop now, or I will cry and I really dislike crying.

I hope every one of you has a wonderful day/evening. Please know that I am thinking about you and sending you an extra hug today.