Sep 30, 2010


Musings of A Beautiful Mess 8 friends have commented
I am not sure who or what identify with anymore. I have always identified myself as a woman, obviously, because I am one. I try not to identify myself solely on being a mother, wife, sister, daughter or friend. All of those are amazing things to be, no doubt, but I don't want to be known as "Beautiful Mess, Dirty's wife" or "Beautiful Mess, Nae and Zilla's mom". It's not that I am ashamed of being a friend, mother, wife, sister, or daughter, I just feel I am MORE then that. I am also a nursing student, but more importantly I am ME. The only problem is, who is "me"?

Today in psychology class we were talking about wearing masks throughout your life. Sometimes those masks are needed, such as when you're at work vs when you're with your friends. Most of the time, you can't act the same in both places. So when you're at work or with your friends you wear the appropriate mask. Those are, apparently, "healthy masks". I raised my hand and asked "what are unhealthy masks?" I knew the answer already, if I had just sat and thought about it I would've figured it out, but I was too quick to get an answer. Or maybe it was just something that I needed to hear, rather then think. He said "an unhealthy masks is one you wear after a trauma, emotional or physical. Sometimes it becomes second nature and you don't even think about it anymore, it becomes a part of you. Eventually though, your two worlds collide and your unhealthy mask will fall and your healthy mask will prevail." I just laughed to myself because could he be reading my mind or know my situation any more? I mean, really? Trauma? Unhealthy masks? Apparently I am, in fact, a cliche.

So, I'm still wearing my unhealthy mask and right now? That's comfortable for me. I know I can't wear this mask forever and I can already feel my two worlds getting closer and closer. I'm sure they'll collide soon, I don't think it'll happen in days, but within a matter of months, MY mask will overcome the mask I've been wearing since my mom died.

I'm not sure who I'll be after my unhealthy masks falls, but I know I won't be the same "happy go lucky" woman I was. On the other hand, I won't be the "everyone is going to go off and die on me" woman I am now. A combination of the two, maybe? Can the two me's reside in one person? I'm sure they can, but I am a little bit afraid to find out who the new person I will end up being. I'm sure I will still have the same qualities I possessed before, as well as the cautious nature I have now. It will be awfully interesting to see how the people who didn't know me before my mom died react, but I can't do anything about their reactions. I'm sure my family will be happy to see more of the "before me" come back. And the people who don't know me yet will not know the difference. That's the part that blows my mind. Right now my life is split into two categories "the people that knew me before and the ones that know me now". There's never EVEN been a thought of the third part, so I guess that's progress? Once again, only time will tell how all of this will pan out. I'm not ready for the change, but I am ready to start THINKING bout the change.

Maybe the collision of my two worlds won't be as dramatic as I think it's going to be. Maybe, just MAYBE it's a gradual collision and it won't leave me with more trauma. Because frankly? I don't think I can handle anymore trauma.

Sep 18, 2010

New Day, Different Emotions

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 6 friends have commented
The comments from my last post? AMAZING! Thank you ALL so much. I truly value each and every one. As always, every word made me feel tons better.

Dirty was gone for most of the day helping his dad cut down a tree, we opted not to go because the children would have been bored. Dealing with bored children at my in-laws house didn't sound very appealing in the least. Instead, I took a nap (YAY) and the three of us cleaned the house. I also got to watch Mamma Mia and cried through most of it. I don't know why but that movie makes me cry happy and sad tears. Anyway, since Dirty was gone all day, I was able to reflect on my mood and our fight from last week. I thought about my post and the beautiful words that were left in the comments. I realized that it is OK to feel overwhelmed by everything, including a move that is suppose to be positive. Also? Dirty was gone from 7AM-3PM and the "OMG I haven't heard from him all day, he's dead" thoughts didn't start until 1:00. PROGRESS!

I did talk to Dirty tonight, after he started the conversation with me. I'm STILL not quite to the point where I can start off a deep conversation about what's going on inside my head. I'm getting there, though. I told him how I'm scared of being depressed and getting to where I was before. The more I thought about it and talked to him, the more I think it's the FEAR of being depressed then actually BEING depressed. I may have been going into that dark place or it may have been just another wave of grief. Or  maybe the two are the same? I'm not sure and I don't think it matters. What does matter is that I (along with a lot of support and help) got out of it the first time and I can do it again.

I use to never have a problem with change, but apparently that has changed. A lot has changed since the day my mom died. Every new event that happens in our life is always peppered with thoughts of "mom should be here". From small things to big things, mom should be part of them. She should have been the one helping me put my kitchen together, I shouldn't have had to do it by myself. But the reality is that she isn't here experiencing them with us and there is nothing I can do to change that. My feelings are my feelings and there is nothing wrong with having them, no matter how long it's been since she died. I'll, most likely, never get over her death. Am I even suppose too? I doubt it very much.

This is my new reality and even though its been almost 5 years, it's still so new. I don't know how to live a life without my mom in it. I'm a slow learner, but at least I'm learning?

Sep 16, 2010

Internal Dialog

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 6 friends have commented
Ever since we moved, maybe before, I've had this internal dialog that goes a little something like this "I don't give a shit" or "Oh really YOU have a headache?! You poor thing, ya gonna make it?" Needless to say, it isn't a nice dialog, not even a little bit. I don't say these things out loud for a few reasons, 1) I'm pissy because I'm tired and 2) going off on whomever is pissing me off at the time isn't going to do anyone any good. I don't even think I'd feel good if I spoke these feelings out loud. I would most likely just feel bad and that's not helpful either.

Since we moved, I feel I've made a lot of sacrifices. Some that are evident and some that aren't. I don't want to be anyone to throw me a party because I gave up on something little, but maybe a little recognition would be nice? I feel like I'm under SO much stress and instead of wanting to deal with the situations that are causing me stress, all I want to do is go to bed. I don't give a shit if there isn't any gas in the car, figure it out. I want to scream and yell at everyone and tell them to go the fuck away and just stop talking to me! I am clearly unhappy and I have no idea why. I should be ecstatic! We have a house, our own house! A place where we can rip up the lawn if we feel like it, paint the walls whatever color we want. We don't need permission to do anything, that's pretty exciting, but there's also the debt that goes along with it. Besides vehicles, we've never had any sort of debt before. We never had a credit card, we never took out loans, so this debt that is looming over me, is driving me crazy. Not to mention school hasn't started and summer term sucked, so there's no money coming in for about 2 weeks. And the bills just keep piling up and up.

Yesterday Dirty and I were talking about my schedule and the classes I am taking are all evening class, not ideal, I agree, but we do what we gotta do. Instead of me taking his suggestions I got my feelings hurt. It totally felt like he was telling me "you fucked up! How are you suppose to take care of me, the children, your dad, and dinner if you're not here?" Instead of me asking him or talking it out, I just shut down. It isn't the first time and it won't be the last. This feels a lot like how I was when I was depressed. When I came to grips with my mom's death, I just shut down. All I did was lay on the couch staring into nothing. I barely made any conversation with anyone, even if I did all the things I was "suppose" to do during the day. I'd get the children off to school, but after that, my best friend was my couch. I felt numb and hopeless, I feel a lot like that right now. I don't know what to do about it. I have NOTHING to be depressed about. We just bought a house! So many people would KILL to be in my situation and I'm depressed about it? That's a little fucked up, don't you think? I honestly have no idea what to do.

Another thing that is frustrating to me is the state insurance the kids are on. I am SO thankful they have insurance, but the hoops I have to jump through really piss me off. I went to my yearly intake appointment and because Dirty isn't working and I'm a student, we get food stamps, which is very helpful and I totally appreciate it, but it is SO back-ass-wards! The kids and Dirty are counted on the report but I don't because I don't have a part time job, nor am I in the work study program through the school. Even though I am a full time student, I don't get any benefits because I am not working....while going to school FULL TIME! I don't get it. So if I weren't going to school, I would get MORE benefits? Dirty isn't working because someone needs to take care of the children and my dad, so i just need to do the same and we'll get more benefits?

When I was there I inquired about gas cards and cash benefits, I was told that I needed to be in the "JOBS" program or be in an immediate emergency situation. "So, looking at colleges to get my nursing degree doesn't count?" "No, you would have to be actively looking for a job". Wait, what?! How does THAT make any sense? Granted I'm not in DIRE need of either of those, though they would come in pretty fucking handy right about now, but shouldn't, as a student, one get SOMETHING? I'm not one for asking for a handout and if it weren't for Nae and Zilla needing to be insured I wouldn't have ever stepped foot into that office, but now that I have, I don't like the way things are ran at all. *sigh*

All of this combined with whatever is going on with me means I am not doing well. I am confused, bitchy, defensive, and honestly, probably having a glass of wine too early in the day. Not like with my morning coffee, but at 5:00. That's early for me. I'm not getting drunk or anything, but by 5, I am SO ready for a glass of wine and the relaxing feeling it gives me. And I don't do a damn thing all day to be stressed out over! If I'm feeling like this now, what happens when school starts in 2 weeks? Good grief, I am a mess...again!

Sep 6, 2010

These Things Happen

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 8 friends have commented
The first 7 or so years of my marriage, I was blissfully unaware that marriage was work, constant work. Not bad work necessarily, but work nonetheless. After our first big fight around the 7 year mark, we realized we need to communicate better and raising children, trying to get pregnant and careers, are important but not as important as spending quality time with each other. Even if it's just a walk down to the corner market by ourselves. Time together is a must!

Ever since then, we've had a few ups and downs, but on the whole they were always resolved with an "I'm sorry" or something to that effect. This weekend was different. This weekend, Dirty packed some clothes, took the keys to the old car and left (he's back now). I was torn between helping him pack and wanting him to stay. By the time he actually packed his bag yesterday, we had been fighting since Friday. We hadn't been fighting as much as we weren't talking to each other. Except for yesterday, there were A LOT of word exchanged yesterday and some of them not so kind.

He was angry with me because I've been "bitchy" since we moved. And while I'd love to deny it and say he's wrong, he isn't. Since we moved, I have been very pissy. I'm not sure why, but I think it's because I don't feel settled here, yet. I don't know if it's because NONE of our appliances are hooked up and we STILL don't have the fridge or dishwasher, or because I haven't slept well since we moved. I get woken up at least once a night by the puppy or Zilla wants to wake up EARLY or something is going on. I just haven't slept and no sleep makes me a VERY bitchy lady! I already did the newborn-wake-up-every-2-hours thing, I was NOT aware I was going to have to do it again with a puppy! It's bull shit and the fact that NOBODY told me? Not cool at all, people!

Anyway, we also realized yesterday that there are some issues on my end that I need to work on (there are some issues on his end too, but this is MY blog and MY space and if I have things to fix, this is where I get to fix them). He said when he asks me "what's wrong" and I don't tell him and he KNOWS something is up, it hurts him. He asks because he wants to help, this all sounds WAY too familiar. We went through the same crap after my mom died. I finally broke down into a puddle of tears and told him, "I can't tell you anything! I can't tell anyone anything! I don't confide in anyone!" And there it is, y'all! The root of all our problems for the past 4 years, I can't let anyone in because I don't want to feel the way I did when my mom died. I can't go through that again. Also, the whole Peaches being a spoiled brat and our friendship not being what it use to be didn't help much either. Once again it happened with my old roommate, I treated her fairly and she didn't do the same. In reality she did the exact opposite of treating me fairly. So, that's three people that I've let in and now they are gone. That makes me not want to let anyone in and not be vulnerable, to anyone.

Dirty said it hurts his feelings and makes him feels as if I don't trust him when I say "I'm fine" and I'm not. I get that. I would probably feel the same way, so I promised to TRY to open up. This isn't going to be easy for many reasons, some of which I already stated but also because I hate whiny people! I seriously can NOT stand people who do nothing but complain. It really makes me stabby and twitchy. I'm sure I can open up and not be whiny, least I hope so!

Here goes EVERYTHING.....wish me luck!

Sep 4, 2010

Taking The High Road

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 2 friends have commented
I always try to take the high road, I may not ALWAYS succeed, but the majority of the time I do. People look at me as weak when I take the high road. I've gotten asked "doesn't that piss you off?!" Well of course it does, but going off on someone rarely fixes the problem, usually makes it worse. I'd much rather be patient and allow things to fall into place then get all worked up about it and potentially say or do something stupid.

When Peaches and I got into our stupidest fight ever, I took the high road. It wasn't easy because it would have felt SO good to just yell at her and tell her how immature she's acting and to grow up, but it would've done me no good. I probably would've gotten a headache from yelling at her and lost my voice. I know my words would have not been thought over, so why bother? I'll just be nice and wait for the universe to show her what real life is. When Dirty and I get into arguments, I always take the high road. I'll walk away and not push his buttons to get him to speak, it never works anyway. Things weren't always like that, there was a time I didn't realize he needed some time to chill out and not talking to me for a while is his way of cooling down. I get it now, despite me thinking it's immature, it's his way. Not my place to say it's right or wrong.

After moving, things hit the fan with our old roommate and once again, I took the high road. I am saddened by the way things turned out, but I know I didn't do anything wrong. I did my best to make our living situation benefit her, but it takes more then one to make a compromise work. I know she isn't taking the high road because she has said things to my family about my and Dirty. Personally, I think this is a low blow, but there's no stopping her. She doesn't see it as being wrong, she sees it as talking to her friends about how horrible her roommates were to her. I told my sister and dad that I don't like what she's doing, but not because she's taking behind my back but because she is putting them in a position to defend me. That is what I have a problem with. If my family wants to be friends with her, I don't really care. However, she should have some manners and not put my lil sis and dad in that position, that's not very cool.

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