Feb 28, 2010

Sock It To Me Take 2

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 7 friends have commented
SOCKS!!! I love them! I love the ankle socks, knee high socks, thigh high socks, funky socks, "proper" socks, ANY kind of socks! I have a basket full of socks! So, OF course I signed me up for SITM round 2! What's better then getting socks? Buying the PERFECT pair for your buddy! I hope my sock buddy liked her socks. I know I LOVE mine!

It's no secret that things have been a little bit rough for me since that lovely day in January (the 7th, to be exact) when I decided to move a box of dishes by myself and broke my damn knuckle. I've been through doctors poking and prodding at my hand, asking me "how EXACTLY did you do this, again?!", a few needles full of the yummy numb juice, and of course surgery to fix the damn thing. Through all of the whinnying and bitching, ALL of you have been there. Not one person told me to stop complaining, but instead loved me through the whole thing.

The day I got my stitches out, I was nervous because I didn't know what to expect. I had gotten a package in the mail from Stacie that morning and my SOCKS WERE IN IT!!! I immediately tore open the package and squealed with delight to see not one but TWO pairs of socks! I took off my shoes and socks and put on a pair of my SITM socks and felt a calm. Stacie was going with me to my appointment :D I made it through the removal of my stitches without incident and I thought of Stacie and everything she's been through. I conjured her strength through my socks. I thought of all the support I've received from this AMAZING community. Ya'll have been there to celebrate the good times and allow me to use your shoulders when I need them. These socks are concrete proof of all of that proof.

Thank you Stacie, you picked out great socks! If wearing my SITM socks can help me not pass out during stitches removal 2010, then your socks can help you go through anything you're going through!

Go on over to Kym's blog, our lovely hostess, and read the other SITM posts. You will NOT be disappointed!

Feb 24, 2010

Standing up for Her Rights!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 15 friends have commented
**My SITM post will be tomorrow. I wore my socks already and have to wash them before I take a picture of them ;o)**

We took Nae to a new doctor last week and she got a clean bill of health! YAY! We switched doctors for a few different reasons, but mainly because the staff did not do their jobs properly. When we took her in on a Monday for her sore throat, her doctor did a strep test and it came back negative, but he put her on antibiotics anyway. I didn't argue with them because she was SO sick that I felt antibiotics were the right way to go. Plus we were sure she had strep because her throat was so sore and swollen. I figured they did a quick test while we were at the office and would either send out her culture for a longer test and call me back. I also have no idea how all of this works as we have been really lucky and neither of the kids have been sick. After over 24 hours of her being on the antibiotics she wasn't ANY better, not even a little bit. So, I called them back asking a bunch of questions and they gave me some home remedies to try and told me to call back if she wasn't better Wednesday or Friday. We tried the home remedies and she wasn't getting any better, we felt she was getting worse. So I called back AGAIN on Wednesday and talked to the nurse. I asked about a stringer antibiotic and was told that wouldn't work. OK, well what now? She told me to make sure she can breath, DUH! I'm not THAT stupid and get some liquid Advil for the pain and a humidifier. Got both, neither of them worked. Her breathing was horrible and she was still in a lot of pain. Poor kid hadn't eaten in days and barley was able to drink any water. She looked horrible and SO skinny. Finally after calling her doctor's after hours number and not getting anyone Thursday, I called a different doctor and they had to get a hold of our doctor. Total pain in the ass. I got the run around AGAIN and was told to keep up with what we were doing and her antibiotics. Since we didn't get any answers and she was looking bad and sounding bad, we took her to the ER. She did not have strep but mono. Thankfully her airway was clear, but the antibiotics that we were told to continue to give her, were making her MORE sick! Because the medicine was killing the good and bad bacteria, the virus was going crazy and inviting all it's friends to a party in Nae's little body. Dirty and I were SO pissed when we got the results back! All of this could have been avoided if they had just listened to me instead of thinking I was just some neurotic mother who's "precious baby" was sick. I even told them our kids are NEVER this sick, so I don't know what to do.

At the ER, they gave her some pain meds and an IV of fluids. She was feeling a lot better once we left. Plus a 12 year old on pain meds is HILARIOUS! I've never laughed so hard at her before in my life. She told us she could hear colors...AHAHAHA!!! She was pretty stoned, which was a lot better then her being as miserable as she was before. When the office opened Friday morning, I told them that Nae did not have strep but had mono. The receptionist was speechless. She kept apologizing and we made an appointment to check out her spleen the next week. When we got there, everyone was VERY nice to us. We got a room right away and the nurse came in to talk to us and the doctor soon after.

He did his thing and said something about "you never know with these things". I didn't say much but asked a bunch of questions about school and sports. She was able to go back to school the next day but he wanted an ultrasound done of her spleen to make sure it wasn't enlarged. "GREAT! Finally ya'll are doing something" was my thought. I was wrong...they never called me for to schedule that or for her immunization she needed. So I found another doctor.

We took her in to the new doctor and he is AMAZING! I never felt rushed while we were in there. He was very respectful and gave her a great check up! He thought he saw a curve in her spine and had her do all kinds of bends and such to recreate it because he thought scoliosis. Thankfully, he didn't see anything and he checked out her spleen and all is well! When he asked about her period, he did it in a really respectful way. He shut the door and told her he didn't want to embarrass her but....and asked his questions.

He then asked me if I had any questions, poor guy didn't know what he was about to get himself into because I had A LOT of em! I asked about a pap for her and he gave me A LOT of information. Information I didn't know about. Did you know that they aren't giving girls pap smears until after they've had sex?! I had no idea! So no pap for Nae until she's WELL into her 20's...HA! I also asked if there was any genetic link for PID. I explained to him about me having it two times and the miscarriages and he said it isn't a genetic. I didn't think so, but wanted to make sure. I told him that her and I talk about a lot of things and she's aware of my miscarriages, but I'd like to protect her from that pain if at all possible. He commended me on being so open and honest with her and loved all my questions. He's an amazing doctor, I'm SO glad I switched!

Her other doctor just didn't know much. I don't think he's ever seen mono before or if he had it was a LONG time ago. He should have done more, but he didn't. That is why I switched doctors. I'm not giving him a second chance to misdiagnose either of my kids again.

Plus the new doctor knows my hand surgeon and said he is a great surgeon! YAY!!!!

Feb 15, 2010

I Want My Mommy!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 19 friends have commented
There, I said it! I've been in a funk lately. Obviously...the last few posts have been all dramatic and full of whinnying. I've been trying to figure out exactly why I'm in a funk and I finally realized it. I miss my mom. Plain and simple.

The "anniversary" of her death was January 15 and I wasn't able to do anything for it. We were in the ER with Nae the night before, had to get an MRI on my hand on the 15th, and my grandmother had just had a stroke and my dad and sister had to go see her. I wasn't able to go because I wasn't sure how contagious mono was and didn't think it would be wise to spread that around my grandma. Thankfully my grandma pulled through and we just celebrated her 92(!) birthday, Saturday.

I am still pretty sensitive about my hand, although it is getting better. But I know that if my mom were still alive, she would be at my house cleaning and taking care of me. She was always my go-to person when I needed some extra attention and love. We all have one of those and they usually end up doing just what you needed. Right now, I want my mommy. I want to lay my head in her lap while she strokes my head and I cry. I want her to just let me cry and not try to fix it. I just want to be the one who's taken care of, just for a little bit. Not that Dirty hasn't done a great job, because he has, it's just not the same. My friend Tracy has been amazing and I can't thank her enough. She's listened to me and hugged me and said "I know" at just the right times. But again, she isn't my mom.

I know I will get through this and it's just another step in the process of acceptance, but this want or need to have my mom right now, is overwhelming me. It's hard for me to look at the big picture when all I can think about is "if mom were here...". I just don't know who to turn too. I can't really go to my dad, plus he lives 3 hours away. I don't have a close aunt who can fill in. None of my friends' moms are like my mom was. I know I can go get a "mommy hug", but as for the crying and hair stroking, I don't know where to go. I don't think anyone can be a substitute for my mom, nor do I want one per se. I'd just like a warm comfy place to lay my head and let my tears fall. I want that comfort and protection that only my mom's lap can offer.

Once again, this whole feeling has caught me off guard and I'm left reeling from it. I don't know what to do with these feelings. I don't know where to place them. I've recognized them and cried because of them...maybe that's all I can do. Hopefully the dreams I've been having of my mom will be less taxing on me and more comforting. Guess that's the best I can do for now.

Feb 9, 2010


Musings of A Beautiful Mess 17 friends have commented
But first, lets throw a cute little hissy fit *throws a FIT*....ahhh all better!

So my stitches came out today. I did really well and didn't pass out. It didn't hurt nearly as bad as I thought it was going too! There was a point when I wanted to smack the nurse in the face, but that was before she even took out my stitches. As she was getting ready to take out my stitches and tells me where to sit, I mention that I'm going to need to lay down. Better to be safe then sorry! And it isn't me being a failure, it's me knowing myself. If I say it enough, I'll believe it. I'm sure she was just making light of the situation and all, but I didn't care for the way she went about it. I'm over sensitive about passing out, even more so about this whole finger fiasco, and I was insulted. She went on about how she thought I was strong and blah blah blah. I just ignored her and did my best not to take TOO much offense in her ribbing. She took out my stitches and went and got the doc. He said my incisions look good, but I should have most, if not all of my movement back by now. Wait...WHAT?! Did you not see how tight those "just 7" stitches were that were in my hand a few minutes ago?! Not to mention the fact that my hand has been in some kind of bandage for 13 days, but also I haven't been able to wash it, AND my skin is dry and cracked. All of these combined make my hand very stiff and tight. I have been moving it, but give me some credit here, people!

So now...I have to soak it in warm soapy water for 30 minutes a day, then make a fist and straighten my whole hand, three times a day. If my range of movement isn't back by next week, I have to do physical therapy. Really?! Physical therapy on my FINGER? Come on! What next?! Wait...forget I asked that...

I'm very grateful that my stitches are gone, even though I know I don't sound like it. I am also grateful the pain is pretty much nonexistent, and I'm able to take a shower and wash my OWN hair. All of these are great things, don't get me wrong, but I am just DONE with this whole damn thing. I don't want to do this anymore, I just want to replace my hand with the one I had before and run away. I'm SO sick of going to doctor's appointments, having a doctor tell me to do something or not give me enough information, sick of being touched..just DONE! Then all of this goes through my head and I think "aww poor little rich girl...get OVER yourself!" Seriously, I'm kind of being a whinny little bitch about this whole thing. I can't promise I'll be happy about this whole thing anytime soon, but I will do what I need to do in order to be done with this. I'll also do my best and refrain from whinnying....ish

Feb 2, 2010


Musings of A Beautiful Mess 17 friends have commented
I am feeling very overwhelmed and very frustrated these past few days (which is why I'm sounding like Chicken Little). It isn't helping that I've missed two math classes and am now getting a B in class. Granted, it's only one percent away from an A and I have time to make it up, but I NEED a 4.0 again this term. Not for any other reason then to prove to myself I can do it even while going through all this crap with my hand.

I was so excited to take off my bandage today! I've been looking forward to this since I woke up in the operating room and I could move my finger again. I'll admit I cheated a little and Dirty and I took it off at midnight. Technically that's still Tuesday, but yeah I cheated. I was really nervous because I thought the gauze was stuck to my stitches. I unwrapped it so carefully and took off each layer, slowly. I've never had stitches before this, so I really had no idea what to expect. I got to the last layer, and VERY carefully took it off. It came off fairly easily and it didn't hurt! I was looking at my hand it while it looks gross, it's not as bad as I thought it was going to look. He made a "Y" incision that goes out toward the side of my hand. Hard to explain, plus I didn't get that good of a look at it because I PASSED OUT!!!!! I was not feeling queasy about seeing my hand and I'm not "afraid" of blood, or so I thought.

I did see spots, but I'm an expert at fainting since I became a pro at it when I was in high school. Usually when I would see spots, I close my eyes and breathe, then I'm fine. That didn't work this time. Dirty didn't realize I had passed out because we were sitting on the couch and my chin was resting on my chest. When he heard me making weird noises, he realized what had happened. He lifted my head and I sort of came too and FREAKED OUT! I seriously felt like someone was trying to kill me and I was fighting for my life. Once he got me laid down and I stopped swinging at him, I cried HARD! I was so confused and scared. I kept hearing his voice telling me to breathe, but all I could do was cry and ask him what happened. Finally I calmed down, stopped crying, and got my breathing under control.

Dirty thinks I had a bit of a panic attack, combined with sitting crossed legged and my heart rate increasing, my brain needed blood. I'm sure he's right, but now all I can think of is; "this is the second time I've passed out at the sight of blood, do I need to rethink being a nurse?" I don't know. I'm confused, frustrated, and feeling defeated.

Normally I can power through things and still get stuff done, but when I can't even take a shower by myself, it's getting hard to power through this. I know I'm strong, but right now I don't feel very strong. I feel like giving up. Giving up on what, though? I don't really have anything to give up on. It's not like I'm training for anything that I've just realized is too hard. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

This is all temporary and I'm sure I'll be much better once the stitches come out. It's just right now, I don't want to fight. I just want to give in to whatever that's holding me. I won't give in, though!

So, my question is...was it "normal" for me to pass out? Do I seriously need to reconsider being a nurse? This is the second time it's happened now. The first time being when Zilla cut his toe open and I had just got out of a hot bath. Now, that just seems like an excuse. I've never been the type think blood and guts are gross. Have I changed? UHG! I can't stop thinking about last night, now. I'm terrified the path I chose needs to be change.

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