Oct 30, 2009

If I'm Going Down...

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 21 friends have commented
I'm going to go down with a FIGHT! Lately, I've been feeling as if going to school is a waste of time. I know it isn't, but all this time I'm spending away from my family is rough on me. It isn't so much that I'm away from them all the time, yeah Tuesdays suck, but that's only one day a week. It's that Dirty and I went into this with the idea of me going to school was going to supplement our income. He wouldn't get another job and he wold stay home with the kids.He'd draw his unemployment until he couldn't anymore and then when that ended, we would have my financial aid to fall back on. We would even have a few months where we could get BOTH. My financial aid and grant money would just sit in the bank and we would live off his unemployment. Sounds like a pretty responsible plan, right? Well no, it isn't. Because I haven't gotten ONE dime from ANYBODY! AND to top it off, I have a pretty $2,000 bill with my name on it at the school. This should be paid in December when I get my grant money, but this was suppose to be paid before I started school.

I've called financial aid many times and have been told that my application will be processed at the end of October. Well here it is, then end of October and I haven't heard shit from anyone. I need to register fro winter term in a few weeks, but I won't be able to do that until financial aid pays my FALL term. And if they don't pay for that, then I can't register for winter term and I'm screwed for my grants and loans for the rest of the year. I've held up my end of the bargain this whole time. I've gone to every one of my classes and I'm getting an A in everyone, yet I still feel as if I'm getting screwed. What the hell am I going to do if this term doesn't get paid for? I don't get the credits I've earned and I really did waste my time. All this time away from the kids and Dirty will be for nothing. The field trips I've missed, the volleyball games I've missed, all of it...a waste of time!

I'm going to talk to my campus today and see what I can do because I really have no clue. I'm going to apply for every scholarship I can find in the hopes of SOMETHING good coming my way. I'm going to try not to stress about this, but it isn't going to be easy. I can't get it out of my head. I can't stop thinking about the worse case scenario. Which is I have to drop out and I screw myself for the rest of the year *sigh* Please send me some vibes, I could really use them. Just some calming vibes, some clarity ones too. ANYTHING!

Oct 25, 2009

Puttin a Call Out For a Friend

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 4 friends have commented
Phoebe from Tales from the Phoenix posted about some meds that she's in need of. If anyone out there has ANY of these meds, can you please contact her through her blog?! Or if you possibly know someone who has some meds to donate?

Phoebe is a very special woman to me. She has helped pull me out of my grief hole many times. She understands what I've gone through better then I understand it sometimes. If this blog post can help her in anyway, then I'm down! So, lets get the phone tree ringing, the emails flowing and start asking around, please!

Have a wonderful week!

Oct 22, 2009


Musings of A Beautiful Mess 20 friends have commented

My MIL just sent this to me and I cried as I read it. I've had a case of The Grumps since last night. I couldn't quite figure out why I was being so pissy and having this inner dialog telling everyone to fuck off, but I was. I wasn't being TOO bitchy on the outside, but on the inside, I really just wanted everyone to leave me alone. Don't ask me for anything, cook your own damn dinner, don't talk to me about your computer game, don't have an endless conversation with me about your boyfriend, because really, I could care less about EVERYTHING! But if I talk and am not listened to, I pouted. I seriously pouted *sigh* last night and this morning have no been pretty.

Then I read that email and I was like "HA! That's IT! Nobody understands me, I'm being taken for granted" blah blah blah, whine, whine, cry, feel sorry for myself. Then I kept reading and was like "shit! I'm being crabby for no reason then just being crabby. Nobody has done anything to make me feel this way!" My family and the *coughmanycough* people that live here are NOT mind readers. If I'm feeling like things are getting to be a bit too much around here, I need to speak up. If I'm feeling crowded or being asked too many things, I can delegate! It really is OK! Dirty is MORE then capable of doing stuff around here, too. BUT...just because he doesn't do them like I do, doesn't mean it isn't "right". Hey, it's getting done, right? Right! Nobody runs this house like I do and that, my friends is just fine! This girl needs to speak up more and stop talking to herself so much. Obviously...is isn't working :-|

If you read the little story below, change the situation if you'd like to make it "work" for you. But it's a good read, it woke me up. Or just pass on it and tell me to STFU and quit being a whinny brat, because that works, too ;o)

Invisible Mother....

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.

    Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'


    No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

    I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

    Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

    I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going; she's going; she is gone!

    One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England ..

    Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in.

    I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself.

    I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.'

    It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe ..

    I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:

    My Dear Friend, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

    In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:

    No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.

    These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.

    They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.

    The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

    A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees'

    I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.

    It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

    At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life.

    It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

    I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

    The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

    When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're going to love it there.'

    As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right.

    And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Oct 20, 2009

Getting The Kinks Out.

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 22 friends have commented
Oooohhhh just THINK of all the crazy hit I'll get with THAT title! *evil laugh*

Now that we're in the full swing of me going to school, the kinks are starting to pop out and get worked out. It's all been trial and error thus far. We've been in situations such as these, but not to this extent. It's becoming stressful for everyone involved, this balancing act we're doing. I'm not as home as much, which we obviously knew was going to happen, but what we didn't expect was that feelings were going to get hurt. We were prepared for the children to act up or out, suffer in school possibly, or be clingy to either Dirty or myself. We prepared the house hold chores, the cooking duties and separating homework time from family/computer time etc. BUT what we didn't prepare ourselves for was the lack of quality time and the stress it's causing between Dirty and myself.

It's not that we aren't focused on each other, but not as much as we were. We use to have all day to spend time together, now I feel as if I have to "schedule" it in. And it sucks, A LOT! Tuesdays are the worst and as much as I tell myself "suck it up, accept it, it won't be like this forever" it isn't working. Tuesdays go to math class (which I'm getting an A in AND I got an A on the test w00tz!!) from 3-5 then I have another class from 6-9. I'm pretty much gone all evening long. I usually only see Zilla in the morning, but that doesn't really count because coffee hasn't been consumed and he's not fully awake. I get home a little after 9, give him a kiss if he's awake and that's it. I get to spend an hour with Nae before she goes to bed, so that's good. But what about time with the husband? I feel like our time together is always being scheduled. It's in between homework, before bed, before taking the children to school, picking them up, or before Nae's volleyball games. It's like there's always SOMETHING to do. Dinner has to be made, homework needs to be done, laundry needs to be done, and of course sleep. By the time it's bedtime, we both crash. Not only because we're tired, but because it feels like we're running around and stressed out because of it.

Marriage is work, that I've known forever and it's true. Nobody has the "perfect" relationship, but adding in a bunch of stress makes things harder. I know this is all part of the "school package" but I just wasn't prepared for it. I didn't prepare to miss my husband so much. I didn't prepare that he would miss me so much. I took for granted all the times we did nothing because we had all day to spend together.

I love spending time with Dirty, he's truly my best friend. And I miss the times we'd sit around all day or walk around Lowe's because we were bored. I know I'm being a bit over dramatic here, but it's how I feel right now. Mostly because I'm not a fan of Tuesdays. Although, we do have a bit of a plan in place as of today. I won't go to class early, go with him to pick up Zilla and then they'll drop me off at school. We might not be able to do this every week, but this week we can and I'm grateful for the few extra minutes I'm going to get to spend with Zilla and Dirty.

Oct 10, 2009

Time Management, I've Got It, I think?

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 22 friends have commented
So far, I think I'm doing fairly well with time management. I haven't yet feel pressured for time to get things done. I am able to do a lot of studying at the school, either before classes or in between classes. I've been able to get my homework done way before it's due and I tackled my first math test on Thursday. I was one of the last people done because I was anal about checking my answers no less then three times. I checked every answer AS I got it, I checked them all when I was done and THEN checked them after that. I didn't have to make any corrections, so I'm assuming I did well on it. I felt like I did well, so that counts for something, right?

My writing class is so interesting! Not only because I love writing. I'm not learning as much as I would hoped, but I am finding the courage to expand upon my writing. The essay I'm writing is about my mom's funeral. I didn't intend on it being about that day, but that's where it ended up. It's a pretty powerful essay, so far and it can only get better. It's by no means perfect, but it isn't bad, either. I haven't let anyone read it, yet. I'm nervous. We are in groups of three and four and on Monday is when someone, other then myself will read it. EEK!

I did bring a little infertility knowledge to my first class, though! I was very proud of myself and thought of all my AMAZING bloggy friends. Our instructor asked us what we were proud of and wanted us to tell the class a little something about ourselves. I said I was proud of my determination not to give up on adding to our family after 5 years of trying. Then one of the essays in our book dealt with human cloning and they said "implanted an embryo", I said "actually you can't IMPLANT and embryo, it can only be TRANSFERRED." HA! Take the people how don't know what you're talking about! I even made a note of it in the book. The next student that gets that book is gonna wonder WTF I was doing, but I'm spreading the word, DAMMIT!

Anyway, so far school is going well. I haven't felt to overwhelmed, but that could change at any time. Things at home are going well. Nobody seems to be adversely affected about my going back to school. Our sex life has suffered a bit, but I can't blame that solely on school. We have all been battling this Death Cold and are ALL wiped! Dirty and I have suffered the most. We don't have the luxury of being catered to when sick. We can't just lay in bed all day like the children can. Plus they tend to bounce back quicker. Damn them!

Flying Monkeys gave me an award! Thanks, love! I know that over the summer, a few bloggers gave me awards and I didn't accept them. I'm truly sorry about that. I have no excuses as to why, I'm just sorry. I will be a better receiver of awards, if I get any more :o) Here's the run down...

Here are the rules for the Over The Top Award:
  • USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best. (I say parenthetical thoughts don't count!)
  • Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know that you think they are 'Over the Top'!
1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2.Your hair? Straight
3. Your mother? Everywhere
4. Your father? Sisters
5. Your favorite food? Cheese
6. Your dream last night? None
7. Your favorite drink? Coffee (or beer or tequila and vodka or...)
8. Your dream/goal? RN
9. What room are you in? Family (room)
10. Your hobby? Blogging
11. Your fear? Failure
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Degreed ;o)
13. Where were you last night? Home (ahhh sweet sweet home)
14. Something that you aren’t? Tall
15. Muffins? Cranberry
16. Wish list item? Laptop
17. Where did you grow up? Oregon
18. Last thing you did? Tweeted
19. What are you wearing? PJ's
20. Your TV? Music
21. Your pets? Turtle
22. Friends? Fewer
23. Your life? Content
24. Your mood? Calm
25. Missing someone? Always
26. Vehicle? White (and old)
27. Something you’re not wearing? Bra (oooohh same here!)
28. Your favorite store? Coach!!!
29. Your favorite color? Pink
30. When was the last time you laughed? Today (but yesterday I got the giggles in computer class)
31. Last time you cried? Weeks
32. Your best friend? Hubby
33. One place that I go to over and over? School
34. One person who emails me regularly? Jules (Musgy, MIL, dad...)
35. Favorite place to eat? Olive Garden *drooling*

I can't tag anyone for this because I've seen this on quite a few blogs already. If you haven't been tagged and want to do it, have it! Let me kn ow so I can read it, please.

Oct 4, 2009

I Got Through Week One

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 32 friends have commented
Not only did I get through the week, I got through it with The Death Cold. Seriously, this thing sucks! Thankfully I didn't get it until Thursday and it didn't get bad until Friday.

My Monday class is writing class and I love this class! I found it pretty easy, but it was a nice review. I did learn some new things. I don't know if I'll actually use them, but it's still early. Our first assignment was to do a free-write on something that brought up emotions. We did an exercise in class and are suppose to write our paper off of that. It didn't take me very long to write it, but I think I'll rewrite it. I think I can add more details to it. She said she wasn't going to look at them and it's just for us, but I'd like to add more detail, as I think it'll make a better story.

Tuesdays is math and "effective learning". Math last week SUCKED! Apparently I tested into a higher math class then I should've, because it took me about 9 hours to do Tuesday's homework. I read chapters, re-read chapters, checked my answers in the back of the book, worked the answer backwards to figure out how the hell I got that answer and it STILL took me forever. I missed Nae's volleyball game, dinner, and family time because I was working all day on this crap. Finally, I got it done around 8:30pm and CRASHED! Dirty put me to bed and as I was falling asleep, I decided I was going to talk to my instructor. There is NO WAY she is wanting us to have 9 hours of homework for ONE class. And we have this class twice a week. And I was right. She said it should've have taken MAYBE an hour to do the assignment. Clearly I was in the wrong math class. I begged the instructor in the lower class to let me in and he did. Thank Goddess! So, Thursday, I was sitting in the lower math class and I knew EXACTLY what I was doing! OMG it was such a relief! I had a moment of feeling like a dumbass, but then he explained that this math class is what high schools were teaching junior/senior year when a lot of us were in school. So, while I may not be a math genius, I'm also not a COMPLETE idiot, either. I did two nights of homework and it took me MAYBE an hour to finish. That's MUCH better!

Effective Learning is going to teach me how to study properly, how to take notes, how to take tests, and teach us what type of learner we are. Are we left or right brained? It's a pretty interesting class, actually. It'll be awfully difficult to fail, too. BONUS!

Wednesday is my free day. I'll probably spend part of this day in the computer lab for our computer class because I don't have Office 2007. I'm waiting on this until I get my laptop. I'll also do my math homework and my writing on Wednesdays.

Thursdays, I've got math again and that's it. I'll be able to do my homework for math after class and any leftovers from writing.

Then Friday I have my computer class. This class, seems pretty easy too. So far! If we don't have any questions or need to talk to our instructor, we don't have to show up for the class. Most of everything is through our e-learning website though the college. We also have to take tests online, but there's a book we can do the test with first. There's a time limit when we take it online, so we can look anything up with the book and then take it online before the deadline.

Other then The Death Cold, the first week wasn't that difficult. Dirty is doing great with dinners and the household chores. The children seem to be adjusting well, so far. I know it's the first week and all of this could change, but as of right now, it's not as overwhelming as I thought it was going to be.

I'm really enjoying all of my classes and getting into this new routine. I'm taking the time to get my homework done and going to bed when I need to. Hopefully, my cold will clear up soon and things will continue to be doable.

Thanks for all the support and the good thoughts. I felt them all week. I really appreciate it!

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