Mar 31, 2009


Musings of A Beautiful Mess 7 friends have commented

Liv is changing the way we look at "OMG". She wants us to love that phrase, so she's hosting and "OMG! YOU ROCK DAY" on May 10th. It's going to be so much fun!!! Here's what you have to do...

Go to Liv's blog and read THIS. She has ALL the details of what to do. You have until April 19th to make your move. That seems like a long time, but it isn't! So don't wait, go over and read Liv's post. And while you're there, check out ALL her posts. In case you haven't read her before, she's pretty ALL kinds of AMAZING! If you do decide to join in the fun, you get a fancy new badge for you blog. Isn't it so cute?!

OK, so now that you k now what to do....go DO IT!!!!

Mar 30, 2009

Sock it To Me!!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 2 friends have commented

Did you miss out on the fun of the Sock It to Me Exchange? If you did, there's still a way that you can participate. The 62 bloggers and blog readers who signed up for the exchange about a month ago were assigned sock buddies to send a special pair of socks. The second leg of the Sock It to Me is coming up next week. During Sock It to Me Week (SITM Week), which is April 6-13, each of the participants will post a picture of the socks they received along with a post about this community provides them warmth, comfort, and support...just like a pair of cozy socks.

If you missed out on the exchange, it's too late to send and receive a pair of socks, but you can still participate in Sock It to Me Week by putting up a post about how this community has been a source of support and "warm and fuzzies" for you.

Here is what all SITM Week participants, both old and new, need to do:

  1. The week of April 6-13 is Sock-It-to-Me Week. Post a picture of your socks (worn or not worn) with a link back to the blogger who sent them to you. The topic of your post should be about what the support of this community means to you and how it has helped and is helping you. It's a week for warm and fuzzies. Like ummm...the socks.
  2. When you post, go back to Kym's blog with a link to your post and Kym will keep a running list of the entries.
    ***If you missed out on the socks and are only putting up a post, please also come back with a link to your SITM post and you will be included on the list.
  3. On April 5, check back here to pick up your Sock It to Me participant award! Everyone who puts up a post gets a badge. Those who participated in the sock exchange part gets an Elite badge. Now don't you feel all special?

Mar 29, 2009

Show and Tell: Quilt Along

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 23 friends have commented

Angela made me do it! Our beautiful, talented Angela over at Third Time's A Charm posted an entry about a quilt along. I thought "hey that looks like fun, maybe I'll join in". So I did. After many many MANY emails with Angela, who is a VERY patient woman by the way, we decided that the quilt in the picture above would be easy for me to do. I picked different colors and she gave me a list of things I'm going to need. She is also sending me a few things, as well as the fabric and directions. She has faith in me, I sure I hope I don't let her down. I tried to convince her to move to Oregon, but she didn't take the offer. Although, I think it'll be easier on her if she does move here. I can't imagine it being easy to teach someone how to quilt through email.

So, here we go. I'm going to do my best to NOT drive Angela crazy while attempting to quilt. This should be interesting to say the least, I don't sew. I can sew hols in my husband's socks and I've been known to patch a hole in a pair of jeans, but I've never actually sewed something worthwhile. If you're interested, go to Angela's blog. She has all the supplies you will need listed there. Please for the love of Goddess and everything that is holy, if you can sew and have time, do the quilt along. It can't just be me! I know my quilt won't look at beautiful as hers and If I'm the only one then she will be so ashamed! No really though, if you have time, you should do it. I'll post pictures when mine is done and ya'll can laugh at point at it. It'll be A LOT of fun!

Head on over to Mel's and see what the rest of the class is showing.

P.S. Last week I showed some coffee mugs that pictured animals that were uhhhh.."getting to know each other".
mrsmoore08 sent me a link to look up the mugs. I checked out the website and they didn't have the mugs. BUT I did find the company that sells them and they aren't too expensive. If any of you are interested, here's the link.

Mar 27, 2009

Good Times Had by ALL!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 15 friends have commented
Spring break started Monday and I was TERRIFIED! I had visions of bored children and a stressed out me. But I was wrong! *YAY* It went well, we had a great time.

My in-laws wanted to take the kids on Thursday until Saturday. I made sure they REALLY wanted to do this because they don't usually do this. They did it with Nae, but that was before we had Zilla and it was just a night here or there. Apparently now that they are older, grandparents and children, it is something they want to do. So Husband took them over there yesterday. I got to stay home, BY MYSELF! It was nice. I got a few hours to do whatever I wanted to do. I didn't do anything exciting, but it was still very nice.

My best friend tells me they are going to be in town and want to stay here. I was a bit selfish at first because the kids were going to be gone and this was suppose to be MY time with just MY husband. We didn't have anything planned because we're boring like that, but STILL. I didn't want to entertain anyone. After I got over myself and stopped throwing a hissy fit, I realized it wasn't a big deal they stay here for ONE night. Sheesh, I'm not a very nice friend. I blame PMS and Mother Nature for her oh so lovely gift she chose to bestow on me THIS week...GGGRRR. Anyway..they came and we had a lot of fun!

We went out to dinner. Just the four of us. Like real grown ups. Then we came home with our beer and wine and started to drink. Even Husband had a few beers! He NEVER drinks. Apparently spending time in the Navy and drinking A LOT will give you an aversion to alcohol. So he had his beer, I and BFF had our wine and we proceeded to get a wee bit drunk. Well, I don't know if anyone else got drunk, but I sure did. Since we were all being the party animals that we are, we went to be before I think we started a bit to early, to pull an all nighter. Plus, we're all old.

We all woke up early this morning, feeling fine! I had a bit of a headache but nothing a couple of Advils wouldn't take care of. Our friends left already, so my husband and I have the WHOLE day to do whatever we want! Which will be nothing exciting, thanks to the gift my dear friend Mother Nature gave me :-|

Mar 24, 2009

PMS much?

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 13 friends have commented
I've had a bitchy PMS rant post in my head for a few days now. I was absolutely going to whine and complain how my ovary feels like someone stuffed a beach ball in there. I was going to whine about all sorts of unpleasant things. I actually logged into Blogger to type it all out. BUT before I did that, I checked my reader and just read one of the most beautiful posts. I read that first part the other day, but didn't feel comfortable saying anything because only one party had said something about it on their blogs. THEN I saw that Jaymee wrote her part and now? I'm just beside myself with emotion. I'm crying tears for joy for ALL parties involved.

Congratulations! I am so happy for you! Go over and wish both of them lots of luck! Thank you for taking me out of my "selfish pity me' bubble!

20 Pounds in 20 Weeks...EEK!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 11 friends have commented

I joined in on the fun! I found out about the 20/20 on Natalie's blog. I thought it would be the perfect thing for me to do to continue to exercise and get some meal ideas. I email Ashlee and she let me in, just under the wire! YAY! Although, I did have to weigh myself and I loathe and detest scales! I haven't owned one since I moved out of my parent's house. The ONLY reason we have one in the house right now is because it belongs to my roommate and it's in her bathroom, which I never go in. So, I had a date with her scale the other day. I took it off the shelf and stood in front of it. We did our little dance before I stepped on it. I did threaten that if it went up TOO high, I WOULD toss it through the window. Lucky for it, I didn't have to follow through. I probably should have weight myself when I STARTED a month ago, but I went with measuring instead. It seemed less painful to see a "38" rather then a 3rd number somewhere in there.

Anyway, I stepped on that scale and the needle went to 140. Not too bad since the LAST time I weight myself was BEFORE Zilla was born and I was 150. I know I was weighed while I was pregnant with him, but I blocked that out. No memory of that happening, which is A-OK with me! There is NO way in hell I'm brave enough to post a before and after pic, so ya'll can use your imaginations. If you're demented enough to do so. MAYBE an after pic...MAYBE. Doubtful, though.

I have a buddy group, too. Those ladies are awesome! *waves* Although they are runners. Like they run 5K's and 3K's and all have personal records and then there's me...I run. I enjoy my runs, but I'm not even CLOSE to running a 3K let alone a 5K. The thought kind of scares me. I'd like to, I really would. I would love to be able to lace of my beloved PINK NB's and run a 5K, but right now I can't see me doing that. So I'll stick to my cardio and once we get our treadmill, I'll start training for a couch to 5K program.

I do love my cardio program though. I may have a bit if a crush on Bob Harper. He's funny, works me out without the need to stab him in the throat, and I can feel the workout getting my body stronger. All pluses! I don't know if my body will allow me to lose 20 pounds, but at the end of 20 weeks I KNOW I will have healthier habits and that is very important.

Good luck to me and the other ladies in my buddy group!

Mar 22, 2009

Show and Tell: Coffee Cups

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 25 friends have commented
*WARNING* these could be considered "graphic', especially if you have a dirty mind like mine.

Almost every week, sometimes twice a week. My friends and I go to breakfast at the cutest little cafe here in town. They have all sorts of mismatched decorations on the walls. The staff is great, and the food is even better!

One time my friend and I went and we got these coffee cups that looked a little..ummm.. naughty, shall we say? At first, we thought it was just our dirty minds at work. But as we looked more closely, there was NO way these cups were accidentally made this way. I mean, just LOOK at them! Look at the positions the animals are in!

Here is "The Elephant" cup, we lovingly refer to. Please tell, me it isn't just us!

There is also "The Bear" cup. This one cracks us up! Ummm..yeah..

There are three in all. The third one are rabbits. I don't know where the picture is of that one, I know I took it, but I think my computer ate it. Every time we go in there, we ask for these cups, because we're really mature like that.

We finally asked the waitress about them the last time we went, and she said someone found them at Goodwill and bought them for the restaurant. She also told us that we weren't the only ones to notice the sexual reference in the mugs. Apparently it's a running joke at the cafe.

I'm going to have to Google them and see if there's a line of them. If there is, we HAVE to buy them for the cafe. Those three cups could be so lonely without the rest of their posse.

Go check out and see what everyone else is bringing to class. I'm sure you won't find any more coffee cup "fun", which, I'm sure is a good thing!

ETA: I don't k now why my pictures are SO huge! I re sized them and for some reason, photobucket isn't recognizing the size change. I'll work on it; for the time being, SORRY!

Mar 20, 2009

Welcome March's IComLeavWe

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 15 friends have commented
Happy ICLW! It's my favorite week of the month. I get to find new blogs AND I get to "meet" new women, sometimes men. It's a lot of fun. If you are reading and have never heard of it, click on the icon and sing up for next month. It's really, a lot of fun! Did I mention, it's a lot of fun?...

If this is your first time here, or if you have been here before but all you ever knew about me is that my mom passed away 3 years ago and I'm just NOW starting to accept it and climb my way through it, then click this and start at "Here is my story:" it's a few paragraphs down. That's the "low down". Although, I never really told how I got here. I never said exactly how I got to be a part of this community.

It started in July of last year. I was feeling really sick and run down. I was having pelvic pain and figured it was a bladder infection. When it didn't get any better, with cranberry juice and such, my husband drug me to the ER. He had to convince me to go to the ER, I was sure I was "fine". He had to point out the pain I was having, even though I was trying to hide it. He also, pointed out my bloated belly *thanks babe* and my fatigue. So, off to the ER we went. We got there and they run all their female tests. Which, we all know, are just SO much fun! My nurse asked me all her questions and thought I was going through early menopause. Uhhhh, well OK?

After all my tests came back, it was determined that I had Pelvic Inflammatory Disease AGAIN?! I sat there, completely stunned! I had flashbacks of all the crap I went through when I had this the FIRST time. I panicked a bit. I asked my nurse how I could have gotten this AGAIN, and how can I NOT get it again. Her response was AMAZING! She said "well, honey, you have a vagina". That was the best reply she could have ever given me! The first time I got this, the nurses told me it was an STD. Ummm, hi I'm MARRIED and monogamous, there is NO way I have an STD, and if I do..feel free to kick that guy's ass that's in the waiting room. This nurse told me that, yes it is possible to get PID from an STD, but generally the cause is having a vagina.
I can't even begin to tell you how relieved I was to hear her say that. I, of course, knew I didn't have an STD, but whenever I'd go to a new doctor and tell them my history, I always felt like I was defending myself.

They released me with a bunch of paperwork and 3 prescriptions. 2 antibiotics and a beautiful pain killer. I was put on bed rest by my husband and my friends. I was told NOT to get out of bed, unless I had to use the restroom. He even had someone babysit me when he had to go to work. There was NO way I was getting out of this one. Noway I could pretend I was fine before I was.

Since I was stuck in bed or at my PC, once I could sit up without pain, I had nothing to do but surf the Internet. I went to Redbook and read articles and blogs. I read one article, and that woman had a blog. I read her blog and that blog led me to Mel's blog. I was hooked right away! Seriously, how much do we love Mel?! I sent her an email, making sure I was "welcome". I didn't want anyone to feel bad because I was there. I hadn't told anyone my story and I really didn't want anyone to feel bad. I know it's silly, but it's how I felt at the time. Mel of course said I WAS welcome and I've been here ever since.

Here I am today, giving and receiving more support then I could have ever imagined. I'm not glad I got PID again, but I am glad I was put on bed rest, so I could find this community and ALL of you wonderful strong women!

I look forward to reading new blogs, getting to know other bloggers, getting and receiving a virtual hug.


Mar 19, 2009

Awards and The Moment of Truth.

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 9 friends have commented

I got an award, two times! This award was given to me from Danifred at Sippy Cups Are Not For Starbucks AND SS from Still No Explanation. These two wonderful, talented, and beautiful women gave me this award a few weeks ago and I'm just now getting to them. Sorry ladies!

Here's what to do....
I am passing on this award to 8 blogs that I love..."These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award!"

1) Heather at Geek by Marriage. Heather, you rock! Your blog is fun to read, your funny, AND your daughter is going through the same thing mine is. I think it's time for a trip to Mexico at a swim up bar...what ya think? ;o)

2) Sunflowerchilde at A Little Hope. Sunflowerchilde, you're a very kind woman. It's been fun to get to know you through your blog and our emails. I'm so glad to have found you.

3) JamieD at The Therapist is In. No she isn't THE therapist, but is using her blog as one, like the rest of us are. Jamie. I've appreciated reading your words, especially the GREAT news you got yesterday! I'm traveling this road with you and couldn't be more excited for you.

4) Jenn from The Infertile Sushi-loving Princess. Jenn, I'm new to your blog and your comment on my last entry is so sweet. I can't even thank you enough. P.S. I LOVE the name of your blog. I *big puffy* heart sushi...mmmmmm. I'm looking forward to reading more of your blog.

5) Marie from Where is that special water? Marie, I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am for you! I am so happy to share int his journey with you. From killing the mouse to worrying about EVERYTHING, I'm right there with ya.

6) Tracy at TSM. Tracy, we LIVE DOWN THE STREET FROM EACH OTHER!!!! How crazy is THAT?! I'm glad to have met you and can't wait to get to know you EVEN better!

7) Deathstar at A Woman My Age. You have been a wonderful supporter of mine, always a kind word. The shoes on your last post had me dreaming and looking at my feet all night long. Ahhhh beautiful, sexy shoes!

8) Eve at Infertility Rocks!. Eve, I know you had a bit of a rough day yesterday and I wish I could take your pain away, so all you'd ever know is joy. Sadly, that's impossible, but what I can offer you is a snarky remark and an alliance when you're feeling clomissy. I got your back, sista!

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. It has been a rough week or so, but I think I'm slowing coming out of it. All thanks to all of you for guiding me to the surface. I have no idea where I would be without you and I don't want to know!

O.K. so my moment of truth, so to speak came on Monday. We had a meeting with Zilla's teacher about his writing. Which, he IS doing! He is actually writing a little story. This has got me completely floored! When he started school, he barely knew how to write his name. NOW, he's writing a story about how he gets picked up from school. It's pretty cool. I am a proud mama.

As we were talking to her, Zilla mentioned that he was going to his Nana and Papa's for spring break. Side note: she knows about my mom's passing. I mentioned to her, in case Zilla ever mentioned anything about talking to his Oma "in the clouds". I feel it is important for his teachers to know about it.

Anyway, she looks at my husband and myself and says "Oh is he going to your parents *me* or yours *husband's*? I got the tunnel vision right away and broke out into a sweat all over my body. I took a deep breath and Husband said "he's going to mine". WHEW saved by the Husband. I'm not sure if I could have spoke at that moment in time. After what felt like hours, but was actually minutes, I was OK. I felt the sadness in my heart, but I didn't break down in a puddle of tears. I know that these situations will help me in my journey to acceptance and that they are good for me, I just wish I could be prepared for them a bit more. I'll handle them better each time they happen and the fact that I didn't cry or get lost in a funk was HUGE!

It's getting better and that's all I can ask for. It just shows how far I've come and go far I will continue to go.

Mar 16, 2009

Kari's First Giveaway!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 5 friends have commented
Kari over at Mothering My Multiple Miracles is having her first giveaway! She raved about a Shae butter lotion made my Great Cake Soap Works. She raved about it so much , they decided to give her a jar to giveaway! How cool is THAT?!

All you have to do is, go over to Kari's blog, read her entry about it and follow her link love and check out what they have to offer. I did just that and my husband's credit card is calling my name. It's a good thing it's in his wallet and he's sitting on it. Otherwise, it'd be SMOKING because of all the lovely delicious item's I'd be buying.

OK, go forth and comment and try to win something! I'll totally forgive you, if you win and I don't because it's her FIRST GIVEAWAY!!! Even if it wasn't, I'd still forgive ya ;o)

Have a great day and good luck!

Mar 15, 2009

Opening Up and Branching Out.

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 24 friends have commented
There have been so many times when I think I have NO business being in this online community. NOBODY has made me feel this way, and I've realize it's not true. But when I found all of these wonderful blogs, it wasn't because I was searching for answers. It wasn't because I was going through something that I couldn't share with anyone else or that nobody understood me. I already traveled down that road. Not to the extent that almost ALL of you strong ladies have, but I did travel it, as well.

I've said many times to women in an email or in a comment "I don't know the EXACT pain you're in, but I do understand". I said that in an email to a blogger and wow! Did she jump down my throat! In a loving way, of course. She told me I DO belong here and I did go through pain, maybe not by IVF or IUI's but I do know what it's like to long for a child or lose a child. It took me a long time to believe that.

I would always read the blogs of these woman and I think "I wish I was as strong as she is" or "What am I doing reading her PERSONAL words, when I have NO business reading them?!" I felt like a traitor. I felt like I couldn't or shouldn't comment because what the hell do I know? I don't know the pain of the two week wait. I don't know the pain of IVF or an IUI. I don't know the physical pain or the emotional pain. But once I started thinking about it, the longing for a child isn't different because I didn't do what she is doing. The pain of losing a baby at 4 or 5 weeks isn't any different. The pain is, sadly just pain.

I love my little spot in this community. I love that I have a lot of email addresses and I can pick any number of them and send out an S.O.S and get support. I love that I can give support just as much as I need it. I love that my words can make someone smile.

From here on out, I am going to branch out and open myself up more. Just because I am no longer traveling down this road, doesn't mean that I can't give an encouraging word. In order to open myself up, I am going to tell my story. I've told bits and pieces here and there, but I've never sat down and actually shared it. I've never written or typed, the words.

Here is my story:
I met my husband when we were working at Fred Meyer. A month to the day we started seeing each other, he left for the Navy for two years. During that two years, we weren't able to talk on the phone much or see each other. We wrote letters and because of those letters, we became very strong.

When he came back from the Navy, we moved in together and eventually got pregnant with Nae. I was only 20 at the time and he was 21. We never talked about kids or a family, there was so much to talk about then, and we were so young.

We had an ultrasound at around 16 weeks and they found a "shadow" on her heart. They told us there was a chance of her having Downs Syndrome and/or having heart problems. They also told us there might be a chance she wouldn't live long after being born. We got this news on a Friday. We had three long days to think about it, until our next doctor's appointment. The doctors gave us options that included terminating the pregnancy, an amniocenteses, and a number to a genetic counselor. We had lived with her already and couldn't imagine NOT having this child in our lives. We decided to do nothing. Our choice wasn't an easy one, there were many tears and many "what if" conversations between the two of us. Our next ultrasound a few weeks later showed that our little girl was "fine". No shadow anymore. We were cautiously optimistic. We did our best not to worry about the "what ifs" and live our lives to the fullest with our daughter "safely" tucked inside of my body. We did make a birth plan as well as a death plan, should we need it. We told our family that nobody was allowed in the birth room except the medical staff and us. We told them that if something should happen, we wanted it to just be the three of us in the bed, with the lights turned down low. It was something we were prepared as we could possibly be and very adamant about.

During that pregnancy, we grew closer. My body doesn't do pregnancy well. My body, for some reason or another, tends to want the baby to come sooner then it would be safe to have a baby. I was put in the hospital, put on bed rest, given medication and then FINALLY after all of that, I gave birth to our daughter. Who was and is healthy. That was almost 12 years ago. Even though, it was almost 12 years ago, the emotions I felt, are still so fresh. I don't know how we got through it, but we did. Thankfully we didn't have to put into effect our death plan and were lucky enough to only use our birth plan.

When Nae was about 1 1/2 years old, I got sick with Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. It took them no time to give me a diagnosis, but it took them a LONG time to find the correct medicine to get rid of it. Because it took them so long, the infection got into my uterus. I battled kidney infections and bladder infections for almost a full year until I was put on a strong enough anti-biotic to kill the bacteria.

During that time, I got pregnant. The pregnancy didn't stick. We/I lost the baby around 7 or 8 weeks. I was told it was due to the infection, and since being put on the correct medicine, that shouldn't happen again. I was young and healthy and blah blah blah. They were wrong. The first one was bad enough, not only because I had lost a baby, but because it was around Nae's birthday and my best friend was pregnant at the time. The second miscarriage (two years later) was worse, for me. That one was around mother's day. I remember laying in bed, numb and getting cards for Mother's day from my husband, but not feeling it. He tried his best to understand, but couldn't. He told me that he hadn't felt a connection to the baby as I did, but he was still there for me. His pain was less then mine. We both tried really hard to understand one another.

We eventually got through it and started living our lives again. This time without me being sick and just enjoying my little family. We talked about another child. We did want one, but wasn't sure if it was in my best interest to have another, due to my health. Because of the PID, my immune system is shot. I use to get a bladder infection every 6-8 months. I eventually learned how my body worked and was able to cure them or head them off with home remedies.

I remember having THE discussion about trying for another. We were scared and nervous. I didn't want to ACTIVELY try, but I didn't want to prevent, either. We also said "maybe we are only meant to have one child. She's beautiful, healthy and what more can we ask for?" So, we decided to not try, but not prevent. This went on for about two years.

Nae started kindergarten and we were having some family issues and had our nephew living with it. We talked about adopting him because his parents couldn't get their shit together. Thankfully, they did and he is living with his mom part time and his dad part time. In October, I realized I was late for my period, but wasn't sure exactly how late. I was so scared, nervous and excited all at the same time. Part of me wanted to know right NOW and another part of me did not want to know until my period came in a few days.

The part that wanted to know, won. I went and got a test done and it was positive. I sat there shocked, scared, bewildered, every other emotion one could think of. I honestly didn't think I would ever see that second line again. I had the test taken at a clinic by our house. It was a free clinic because it was the only one open on a Saturday afternoon and I wasn't about to buy a pregnancy test and go through all the emotions on my bathroom floor. I needed to do this away from my home. When the gal came in and told me, I was stunned. She talked to me about "options" and I didn't say a word. She though I didn't want the baby. She kept saying words like "terminate" "just weeks along" and "totally safe". When I eventually found my voice, I told her ALL my details. Every last one of them. That poor woman. She must have thought I was crazy. I think that positive made her day ALMOST as much as it made mine. She was so excited for me and gave me a pair of booties for the baby. I didn't want them, I didn't want anything that had to do with a baby in my possession because it could go away just as easily as it came.

I got home and told my husband. We were stunned. I don't think we said anything to each other for about 5 minutes. We just looked at each other. Once the shock wore off, we did the hug, kiss "lets not get TOO excited" congratulatory dance. We didn't tell anyone for awhile. There was no way I was going to tell people and have to un-tell them and snatch away their happiness as well as mine.

We eventually told them around Christmas. BIG mistake! Everyone was SO excited. We were going to have another baby in the family..YAY!!! I put on a show and was excited for them and with them. Even though, I was still in the "we'll see" stage. The day AFTER Christmas, I got Shingles. Yes, Shingles! What woman in her mid twenties GETS shingles and is pregnant, no less?! Apparently, me. The doctors had NO idea what to do with me. They didn't want me to come into the office to get looked at because I could pass it on to the patients. And it's DEADLY to children. Umm hello! I'm PREGNANT! If it's deadly to BREATHING children, then what the hell is it doing to MY baby?! Nobody had the answer. Nobody knew, ANYTHING! They put me on pain meds, a chicken pock medication and said "if you starting having pain, or bleeding come in." Umm OK? So if I'm not bleeding, apparently this medication is fine for my child?

So, once again we were put in the "what should we do" stage of pregnancy. We ended up doing nothing, again. We still had our death plan, no birth plan as of yet, it was still early. We talked about the "what if" situations in detail this time. "What if s/he can't breathe and needs life support? Do we put him/her on a ventilator? How long do we keep him/her on a vent? Is it right to keep them alive if they won't be able to actually LIVE?!" We didn't have the answers. All we wanted was a baby, a child to share with our daughter. We thought of peaceful ways for a child to die and hoped that if it came to that, that's what we could offer this child.

As the months progressed and there weren't any apparent side effects to the drugs, we became cautiously optimistic, again. Ultrasounds showed we were having a boy and he was fine. Then came the pre-labor again, the bed rest, the depression, the 24/7 sickness that wouldn't go away. or would go away just to get me use to enjoying a day or two and then rear it's ugly head and cause mine to go into the toilet. There weren't any hospital stays this time, but there were MANY trips to L&D. There were a lot of "fetal movement counts" and bouts of me stuffing my head in the couch crying reason...just because.

Finally, I went into real labor at a decent time in my pregnancy. It was the moment of truth, so to speak. This time around, we allowed family members in. My mom, his mom, my sisters, my best friend and Nae. It was a freaking party in that room. We decided that we wanted to share his life, no matter how short or how long it was going to be, with everyone else. We didn't want to be selfish should the worst happen. We thought everyone should be able to see him alive and not, possibly, only dead. It wasn't an easy decision to come too, to have Nae in the room, she was only 6 at the time. But we felt it was important for her to get to know her baby brother. I am very glad we made that decision. Because not only was he healthy, Nae got to cut the cord with her daddy. It was a beautiful moment. the end of labor was so much better then the rest of it. I remember pushing him out and looking into my mother's eyes. It was such a precious moment and a memory I will have forever.

We had decided to get my tubes tied, because of my body's unwillingness to cooperate with pregnancy. For us, it wasn't a difficult choice. I don't do pregnancy well. I never get "the glow". I rarely go to full term without medication and after all the trauma of writing out a death plan for BOTH my children, I'd rather not do it again.

Here we are 6 years later and completely out of "babyhood". The last thing we have to old onto is that Zilla still uses "kid" toothpaste. He doesn't take baths anymore. He is on the go all the time, so cuddles and snuggles are rare. Nae is in middle school and is starting to like boys...*EEK* but she still sleeps with her lovie. Actually, they both do and I hope that doesn't go away for along time. I don't "long" for another baby. I look forward to watching my children grow and mature into who they are going to be. There are times when I miss them as they were, but I truly believe my family is complete with our two living children and our two children up in Heaven.

So there it is, my story. Now that I've opened up, I'm going to branch out. I'm going to stop thinking I don't belong and realize that I can offer and gain support to ALL of you.

Mar 14, 2009

Show and Tell: Talent

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 14 friends have commented

This Show and Tell isn't about my talent, mostly because I don't have any. This is about Angela from Third Time's A Charm. She made these lovely tooth fairy pillows for some of the children in her life. Aren't they adorable?! She's also made so many other items, such as quilts and felt food, just to name a few. The pictures on her blog of the quilt she made are beautiful. Really, her talent is amazing!

She held a contest for someone to win one of these pillows and I won! Her rules were to blog about it, tweet about it and leave a comment. I didn't tweet about it because I'm not cool enough to get a tweet account. I'm blogging about it now AND I left her a comment. Can you believe I was the only one who commented?! If you aren't reading her blog, you really should. If for no other reason then to see her beautiful pieces.

Maybe she'll move to my sleepy little farm town in Oregon and teach me how to do SOMETHING, like she does. What ya say Angela? Want to uproot everything and move somewhere you might have never thought about moving too?

Thank you Angela, I'm honored to receive a piece of yours.

Pop on over to Mel's blog and check out what everyone else is showing and telling about this week.

Mar 13, 2009

Confused. Hurt. Angry! Betrayed?

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 9 friends have commented
***WARNING*** this post deals with molestation and you might not want to isn't pretty. Here is a bit of a back story if you want to know what the hell I'm talking about.

I'm feeling all these emotions, plus a few more.

This weekend my cousins are all in town from California. I haven't seen most of them since my mom's funeral over 3 years ago. I'd like to go see them, but I've chosen not to go. Right now, as of this moment, I don't feel strong enough to go.

I've been asked why we won't be bringing the kids to see my Oma and the cousins. My usual answer is a total lie. Something about school functions, or birthday parties, or someone being sick. I know it isn't right to lie and it's not fair, but at the same time, I am not sure who knows about what Frank did to me and I am not really up to shaking up our whole family.

I'm angry because it seems nobody else knows exactly WHY I'm making this decision. If I'm going to be honest with myself, I'm going to have to say I'm angry at my dad. That is not easy for me to admit. I love my father with all my heart. He is a kind gentle man, who has supported our family for years. He's worked more then one job so him and my mom could give us a good Christmas AND pay bills. He's selfless, compassionate, kind and many more. I could go on and on about my dad. But right now, I'm angry. I don't know if I'm angry at him, per se or if I'm angry at the situation.

When it first came up that my cousins and aunt were coming for a visit, I was very upfront about my children not going to Frank's house. Husband and I talked about it, and there was no way they were going. Even if both him and I were there and nothing was going to happen to them. I am NOT putting my children's' innocence in jeopardy just because I want to go see my family. My dad accepted this and there wasn't any more discussions about it. Until yesterday, that is.

He called me to tell me he was in Lake Oswego and told me that Oma and the other family members really want to see the children. I told him "that's not going to happen". I left no room for a discussion, I just told him like it was. I don't know if his mom and sister were bugging him about it or what, but when he asked me that question AGAIN, I got angry. I talked to Husband about it, more like vented, and we were on the same page.

As the day wore on and i got to thinking about it more, I felt all these emotions I haven't felt in along time. I am confused because I don't know why my dad keeps asking me to bring the kids up there. I'm hurt because I feel like he doesn't "get it". I'm angry at Frank for doing something to me he had NO business doing to a child and causing MY children to miss out on a big chunk of family. I feel a little betrayed because nobody knows about this?! Really?! Nobody knows that Frank is a piece of shit child molester? On one hand I want to go over there and tell everyone what he did to me and hurt him and his family like he's hurt me and mine. Then I calm down and realize that probably won't make me feel any better and it could hurt innocent people.

I have NO idea what my mom and my dad talked about in the years after this happened. So, I have no idea exactly what my dad knows. I've talked to my mom in detail about it, but never my dad. As close as my dad and I are, it's not something I ever felt comfortable talking to him about. But my mom? Oh she got all kinds of ears full. We've talked about it on more then one occasion. So she knew all the details. I can't imagine it was easy for her to hear, but she always understood how I felt. Never once did she question why I'm not going there or why I'm not bringing my kids there. She always accepted my choice. But now that I don't have my mom as a buffer anymore, it's a "big deal". It's hard for me to believe that this is the first time I've had to deal with this since she's died, but it is. It's another smack in the face and a reminder that my mom is dead *sigh* this sucks! On SO many levels.

I've made my decision and I am not going to go, either. I don't feel like I am strong enough to go right now. I just got done talking to Husband about this and he said "I have no doubt in my mind you are strong enough to go and deal with this, but if you don't want to or feel like you can't, then don't go". He's always been amazingly supportive of the situation, even if he doesn't understand it. He also said "every time I've seen Frank, it takes everything I have NOT to punch him in the face". Oh snap! Somebody is angry too! Truth be told, if he did punch Frank, I'd probably jump up and down like a cheerleader *giggle* I feel like maybe it's a cop out not to go, or I'm being weak, but I can't go. I've worked so hard to get to the place I am right now, and I feel that if I go, my mental health will suffer. And I will not have all my hard work go to waste. I've done a damn good job lately and Frank is NOT going to take something ELSE away from me!

Mar 11, 2009

The Random Question

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 9 friends have commented
Oh I am SO late on this, sorry Bodhi!

Bodhi from Bodhi ekaH posted a "Random Question" and I really wanted to participate, but I am very late. I hope she won't think bad of me! Every week, Mondays specifically, she is going to post a random question for anyone to answer. She was inspired by Mel's Show and Tell, which, by the way, is SO much fun! I love this idea! I love answering random questions, and reading the answers from others. It gives me a little more insight into who the person is, that's writing the blog I'm reading.

Here is her question, two actually:

1. WHERE do you live? (no specifics just either state & country) WHY do you live where you live? Do you live there because you HAVE to due to circumstances? Do you live there because you WANT to? Is there something that you absolutely LOVE about where you live? Do you wish you could move?

We live in a small farming town in Oregon. We moved here about 4 years ago, to live with our best friends. Both them, and us were going through some major shit and thought that living together would help the two families get through it. I enjoyed living with our best friends. It was stressful, especially when they divorced, but I don't regret the decision we made. We all learned a lot it brought our families closer. We have since moved out of the house, into another but in the same town. We stayed in the town because the schools are amazing. I couldn't bare to think about Zilla's first year in school at a place he had never been to before. Nae was going to start middle school and we thought her grades might suffer if we up rooted her to a different, bigger school.

There are aspects I love about this town and others, not so much. I enjoy the neighborhood we live in. There are trails and paths to walk and parks all within walking/bike riding distance. What I DON'T like about living here, is that it is a farming town. I'm a city girl. I grew up in a small but affluent town, I went to the high school in the town and I miss it so much. In all my years living there, I NEVER saw a tractor rumbling down the street, or saw a cow hanging from a mobile slaughtering truck. But here? That's NORMAL! I'm STILL not use to it. I see a tractor or combine coming down the street and I get excited. It's still so new to me, even after four years. I wouldn't mind moving, but I doubt I/we would find a school system as great as the one we're in.

2. If you COULD move, where would you live? (In answering this, it has to be somewhere you COULD actually move to if you wanted to)

BUT if I could move, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I wouldn't mind moving to Eastern/Central Oregon. I'd have to get use to ALL the snow, but it really has the best of both worlds, I'm use to here. It's got a skiing community, which equals money. So there's the affluent aspect of the community I'm use to, but it also has the small town feel, that I'm use to here. Plus, the town my dad and sister live in is SO laid back. We've entertained the idea moving there, but once again, the schools. I'm a bit of a school snob and I won't settle for less then I think our children deserve. Which is probably why I volunteer so much.

Go and check out what everyone else said!

Mar 10, 2009

There's no Crying in Basketball

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 6 friends have commented

GREAT basketball game last night! The Blazers were playing our rivals of years, The Lakers. There's been a lot of tension between The Lakers and The Blazers since, we played in the play-offs YEARS ago.

We had a general manager who was a complete idiot. All of his choices were HORRIBLE. Because of the choices and trades he made, our team was coined "the Jailblazers". It was, sadly, well deserved. Our team went from a group of guys you would see in the grocery store and be able to have a conversation with, to pot smoking, drunk driving young kids. The men who were on the team then, made horrible decisions and did nothing for our community. They were a bunch of overpaid kids. Their game suffered, they were disrespectful AND disrespected. It was a real shame.

Once the general manger was replaced, things started to turn around. We have an awesome coach and more importantly, we have a team our community can be proud of. They're the youngest team in the NBA, but handle themselves well. The team is always doing something for our community, just like it use to be. There hasn't been any news stories about one of our Blazers getting "busted" for drunk driving or anything of the sort. It's a team, the children can actually look up too. It's a team, that I would and am proud of claim.

The game last night was full of emotion. There were people in the stands, talking "trash" to the sports announcers, and the announcers giving it right back, The crowd was chanting "beat L.A.", there were fans wearing "beat L.A." t-shirts and holding up signs, but ALL in FUN! Until, the 3rd quarter when one of our guys was on the floor being put onto a stretcher.

We were ahead by A LOT! We were totally kicking ass. Rudy Fernandez went up for a dunk and
Trevor Ariza went to block the shot, got Rudy's head with his elbow and Rudy was SLAMMED to the floor. It was horrible to watch the first time, even more so to watch the eleventy billionth time in slow motion replays. As we watched Rudy hit the floor, my husband and I both jump up and start yelling at the T.V. Of course, in the heat of the moment, it was all on purpose. Ariza was mad about being down by about 30 points (oh yeah, we were kicking ASS!) and was showing his displeasure by knocking Rudy to the floor. After seeing the replays for the next 15 minutes, it wasn't on purpose. Ariza was really trying to get the ball, but Rudy's head was just in the way.

As if watching one of our guys getting slammed to the floor wasn't bad enough, a fight broke out! Our team leader, went up to Ariza and they started pushing each other! I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Our quiet, shy almost, Brandon Roy was "chesting" a Laker. Teammates were trying to stop the two from fighting, Odem *Laker* got off the bench to help out, but was quickly pushed down by a coach, Kobe didn't do anything, our boys were pushing Roy away from Ariza who was trying to be held back by his teammates, it was insane!

After the fight was broken up and every one's attention was turned back to Rudy, it hit me. This guy is really hurt! They were tapping his face, arms and feet to see if he could feel them and he wasn't paralyzed. I was sitting there on the couch stunned. I felt like it was one of my friends laying on that floor hurt and in pain. I started to tear up a little. If it was bad, this could be the end of his career. He wouldn't be able to play the game he loves so much. All these thoughts kept running through my head and all I could think and chant was "get up! Come on, Rudy, just get up!" He didn't get up. They put a neck brace on him, put him on a back board, then a stretcher and wheeled him off the floor. Thankfully, he was moving his arms and legs and was conscious as they were wheeling him out. He didn't break anything, but stayed in the hospital overnight for observation and "soft tissue damage on his chest".

We ended up winning the game *HA! SUCK IT L.A.* and Rudy will most likely be OK. I'm just hoping that this was a one time occurrence and our guys don't think that throwing down an opponent or starting a fight is the way to win a game. I doubt they will, because our coach will NOT put up with it, neither will the community. We dealt with that for years, we sure as hell won't put up with it again.

In the meantime, we're ALL hoping Rudy recovers fully and will be in the game tomorrow. We can't play with only half of The Spanish Armada! Plus, we're tied for FIRST place in our division and might just make the play-offs...*WEEEEEEE*

Mar 7, 2009

Show and Tell: FOOD!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 28 friends have commented

I WAS going to put "porn" in the title, but I thought better of it. Although, that would have been A LOT of fun, don't ya think?

A few weeks a go, a couple friends of mine found a sushi restaurant not to far from our little town. Since I wasn't able to go that time, we made a date to go this week. I was so excited! I haven't had sushi in a long time.

I had no idea what to order, so I stood at the counter looking like a complete idiot while my friend ordered for me. He ordered 3 dishes for us. Two weren't spicy and the other had "volcano" in the title. So, I knew this one was going to be good! I sat at the table waiting and drinking my green tea and waiting some more. When the waiter came and gave us our little dishes of wasabi and soy sauce, I was thinking I may have over stepped my "spicy food" boundaries.

My friend tells me how to mix the two and then dip in my sushi roll. I look at what he's doing, look at my little bowl and just sat there. He mixed ALL of the wasabi into the soy sauce! I've never had wasabi before, but I had heard A LOT of horror stories about it. When I was done freaking out, I mix mine, but totally chickened out a mixed a tiny bit amount of the wasabi. I tested it and it wasn't hot at all. So, I kept adding more and mixing and then tasting. This went on for about 5 minutes. I ended up mixing all of it together and it wasn't hardley even spicy. I have no idea what they did to the wasabi, but it was BARLEY hot at all. It might be my taste buds. I think they have callouses on them from all the spicy foods I ate growing up and eat every day.

After I get my mix just right our food came. Oh it was so beautiful! I almost didn't want to eat it because it was so beautifully prepared. Here are two of our three dishes. The red one is the volcano and the other one has avacado on top of it. Oh so yummy!

Aren't they so beautiful?

After I took the picture I grabbed my chop sticks and dug in. Ummm I have no idea what happened to my chop stick skills, but they have left my body! I could not grab the roll, dip it, AND make it into my mouth without the roll falling apart and making a huge mess. After attempting to eat with the chop sticks a few times, I gave up and used my fingers. I assumed, since my friend was buying lunch, he would rather the food make it into my mouth and not all over the table. Good thing the lunch crowd was gone already, because I was not only embaressing myself, but my friend as well. Opps, sorry Kev ;o)

Here's a picture of me going rogue and eating my sushi with my fingers, like a rude person.

Photobucket ***

I can NOT wait to go back again. It was so delicious! I've been telling everyone about it all week long. I might even make my husband take me there for lunch this week. He hasn't had sushi in a long time, too. Although, I doubt it'll hold a candle to the sushi he had in Japan, but it IS good!

Go on over to Mel's blog and see what everyone else is showing.

*** I'm not even going to apologize for the horrible picture, it could be SO much worse.

Mar 6, 2009

Small World!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 12 friends have commented
A few months ago, I happened upon a blog. Her name struck me as it had "Oregon" in it. I don't find many blogs where the writer lives in the same state as I. So, I popped on over there and fell in love with her blog.

We ended up emailing each other and got to know each other a bit. Turns out we live in the same city! HA! how funny! I don't know many people that live in this city, even though I've been here for about 4 years. I know my core circle and I don't often go outside of my circle of friends. Anyway, we decide to meet for breakfast. We were chatting about ourselves and such. Come to find out, she lives like 12 houses down from me! We have the same street name! She lives on one end and I on the other. How crazy is THAT?! We've never ran into each other, our circles have never combined and we've lived in the same city for 4 years.

We were emailing each other and communicating with each other via email when I could have throw a rock at her house! Don't worry, I won't REALLY throw a rock at your house ;o) Now, we can have coffee at one another's house and we don't have to pay for it!

It really is a small world we live in.

Mar 1, 2009

Show and Tell: Goodbye My Lovers

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 19 friends have commented

For Show and Tell this week, I'm show AND telling you what I gave up for Lent.

I normally give up one thing for Lent. My father, sister and I usually all give up the same thing. My dad and I are always really good about sticking to it, my sister on the other hand, not so much. She's a bad Catholic. We tell her often, she's going to hell. She does not think this is funny in the least. My dad and I find it hilarious. I think Dran got our mom's sense of humor and I got our dad's. Sucks to be her *evil laugh*

So, this year, my dad and I decided to give up ALL our "vices". We've given up soda before, that wasn't very hard. We've given up chocolate before, that was A LOT more difficult, and we've given up hard liquor before. That one was really easy, since we don't really drink all that much. Although, giving up hard liquor led me to drink more beer, which for some reason or another, I can't handle. 4 beers, and I have to be carried into the house, but 4 shots of tequila and I'm good to go. My body is and always be a mystery to me.

My dad and I were talking and we, well I decided we were going to give up chocolate, fast food AND soda. We was a bit apprehensive about it, but agreed to it. He told me he wasn't going to give up beer and I told him I wasn't going to give up wine. So, he suggested I give up beer and he gives up wine. He said he was sacrificing for me and I for him. Dran hasn't jumped on our "give up all things good" bandwagon, yet. I think she might be passing on it this year. She is no fun and I'm going to have to tease her more this year then normal, I think.

So far it hasn't been hard at all. On Friday, I was really hungry while we were out running errands, but I couldn't stop to eat anywhere, since I gave up fast food. We stopped at a gas station to pick something up on the go and I couldn't grab my normal energy bar, as it is covered in chocolate. OOPS! I ended up grabbing some popcorn, so it wasn't all that bad.

Every year I succeed in not cheating, even though I get teased about it. Never once have I ever faltered during Lent. Even giving up meat on Fridays hasn't been difficult. Since my family isn't participating in Lent, I usually just do "meatless Fridays" on my own. This is another bonding thing my dad and I do. We do this together and it's just another chance for us to get closer.

Easter will be full of chocolate, soda, fast food, meat AND beer for me. I'll be filling up Easter baskets and eating chocolate until I get sick. It'll be good times ;o)

Go over to Mel's blog and check out what the rest of the the class is showing this week.



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