Feb 7, 2009

It is What it is

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
When I was 11 or 12, both my parents lost their jobs, one right after the other. They had just bought a house about a year before. My younger sister and I were both going to private school. They made the choice to keep us in private school, expensive private school, and sold the house. We had family in the same town we lived in and we moved in with them. I don't remember much about that time. I don't remember us struggling, or feeling like my life was turned upside down. Our parents did their best to keep us children out of the "adult stuff". What I do remember about that time is an Easter Sunday when my uncle did something to me he shouldn't have.

My parents were always talking to us about people being inappropriate. We had always had open discussions about this topic. So, when it happened to me, I knew what he was doing was wrong and that I had to tell my parents. Which is exactly what I did. I don't remember feeling like it was my fault, or that I did something to cause this. I just knew that I needed to tell my parents.

I can't imagine what was going through their heads when I told them. The family we were staying with was my dad's sister. Her husband is the one who did this horrible thing to a child, THEIR child. I honestly, don't remember the discussion. Whether I blocked it, suppressed it or what. All I know is that we moved out the very next day.

My parents chose not to talk to the police. They're thinking was that it would be more harmful/traumatic for me if they did. I don't blame my parents for the choice they made. I can't imagine the choice being an easy one to make. I can't say I would make the same decision or not, if I was in their place. I believe, it's a choice one has to make if they find themselves in that situation. I just hope that I am never faced with the choice they had to make.

My dad did go up to his BIL with a few choice words. My dad is a gentle man, has a huge heart. I've heard his cuss MAYBE 5 times in my whole life. He always has a kind word for someone and never holds a grudge. He kills em with kindness. So, when I heard (years later) that he told my aunt's husband "stay the fuck away from my daughter". I was shocked.

This has effected my life in ways, only someone who has been through something similar, can imagine. It's effected my sex life, it's effected the way I raise my children, it's even effected my marriage. It's caused me to be an over protective parent, it's caused me to be a more sexual person, but mostly it's caused me to be scared for my kids of something similar happening to them. For years, I lived with this as being tainted. Certain things would freak me the fuck out and cause me to hyperventilate. Going to the OB would cause me to panic. Only female doctors and NO male nurses. I would always have a nurse in the room when getting an exam. My poor husband always had to be in the room, as well. He'd have to hold my hand while I would freeze on the table. We would have to tell the doctor before hand what I went through and I would most likely be freaking out during and after the exam. It got really bad when I was pregnant with Nae. I regressed by years when I was pregnant. I had to give up a little control when I had her because the only doctor that was on call was a male. Now, that I think back, I think that was the beginning of my taking control over this.

For years, I would do everything possible to not run into my aunt's husband. I wouldn't go to family functions when he was there, I wouldn't step foot into their house. NEVER. Even after I had Nae. It got really difficult after that, it got harder to stay away. One year we were at a house warming party for a family member and I thought he wasn't going to be there, so we went. Husband didn't want to go, so I went with my parents. Nae was about 5 or 6 months old. After a bit, HE showed up. I didn't know what to do. I knew Nae was safe. There was no way I was going to leave her alone. But was I going to be OK? Was I going to be able to be in the same house as he was in? Then something happened. I had just got finished changing Nae's diaper and got up to throw it in the garbage. A family member was holding her. I go into the kitchen, literally 10 feet away. I hear her cry a strange cry, I run back to her and HE is holding her. I walk up to him, take her away and look him in the eye and tell him "you keep your FUCKING hands off my daughter. Don't you EVER touch her again". And I walked away. We left right after that. That was step 2 in my getting myself back from him and his evil deed.

A few years later, we had family in town from California. I hadn't seen my cousin in a long time. She had just got married and was on her honeymoon. I really wanted to go and see her and meet her new husband, but they were staying at my aunt's house. My aunt who is married to the "man" who did this horrible thing to me. I knew my parents were going to be there, so if I did go, I'd have my safe net there. I was at work and didn't have Nae that day, so I could go if I wanted to. But did I want to go? I sat in my car at the light. I could go left and go home, or I could go right and see my cousin. I went right. I was not going to let HIM dictate my life anymore. I wasn't going to not see my cousin and her new husband because this bastard was there. He was not going to take anymore from me then he already had. I was taking my life back and there is not a damn thing he could do about it.

Once I made this decision, I felt totally fine. I was calm, I was not freaking out, it was the right choice to make. I park my car, take a deep breath and walk up the driveway. I walking into the house, look right at him and said "hi Frank". I gave him a look that said "I'm not scared of you anymore. I know what you did to me and you can fuck off." It was a very empowering feeling for me. From then on, I've been totally at peace with the whole thing. It's still a part of me, but it doesn't cause me as much pain anymore.

The problem now lies in family functions. There are a lot of family functions we have missed because I will NOT bring my children to their house. I don't care if the chances of "something happening" are little to none, I'm not putting my children in that situation. It was bad enough that after my mom's funeral, we all went to my aunt's house. And my daughter had to step foot into that house. I won't do that again. I'm sure upon hearing the choice we made that day, people will judge me. Those people can judge all they want. It's a choice my husband and I made. I'm not defending my actions or choices to anyone. Nobody has ever said anything of that day. Most likely my daughter being in that house was the least any one's concerns. It was my mom's funeral and all.

I've gotten comments from others that it would be OK if we went to a family function with the children. "Nothing will happen". Ummm they don't know that. Nobody can predict whats going to happen. Nobody can tell me not to worry.

This is all being brought up because in March, my aunt and cousins are coming into town for a few days. I haven't seen anyone since my mom's funeral. It would be nice to see them when a family member hasn't died. It would be nice to sit and talk with everyone and not be numb from grief and shock. I don't know where they are staying. I don't know if they are staying with my aunt and the asshole or if they are staying with my other aunt and uncle. It just pisses me off that my children don't get to see their cousins because of this "man". It really makes me mad. I don't feel guilty that my kids don't know their cousins, I'm just pissed off. I know there is nothing I can do. I know I am doing the right thing by keeping my children safe by not bringing them around this person. I don't regret the choice I have to make. It just really pisses me off that I HAVE to make this choice. Just because some douche bag couldn't keep his hands off an 11 year old girl. It is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it.

8 friends have commented:

Kristin on February 7, 2009 at 1:39 PM said...

I am so glad you have healed the way you have.

It floors me that your aunt has stayed married to that fucktard and that the rest of the family still includes him. As much as it hurts, I definitely think you are doing the right thing with your kids.

{{{Hugs}}}

Bec on February 7, 2009 at 5:07 PM said...

I don't think anyone could judge for the choices you've made regarding this man. I think you are incredibly brave and strong to be able to cope the way you do now. I completely understand not wanting your children around him.

Coffeegrl on February 7, 2009 at 10:47 PM said...

I'd basically say ditto to what Kristin said. I'm trying really hard to imagine how they justify or excuse his actions and make you out to be the person who's making waves. What?!

Liv on February 8, 2009 at 10:49 AM said...

Damn you for putting a knot in my throat ya Beautiful Mess!!!

You're right. It is what it is, and nobody can understand unless they've been there. And I have. It has effected many things in my life too. I hate the fact that when I see my brother and look at his hands, they remind me of my father's hands. They are identical.

I feel so bad that you have to even deal with this PERIOD. I can't even imagine what it must feel like to have to protect your children while trying to stay connected with the good family members. Lucky for me the "offender" has been AWOL from our family for a long time. I never had to deal with him face to face. I was so afraid that he would be at my grandmother's funeral (his mother) and he didn't even show.

I'm proud of you for taking your life back and finding peace with the situation. I pray that you are able to find a way to stay connected with your family without having to deal with him.

Much <3,
Liv

Dora on February 8, 2009 at 2:11 PM said...

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I think you've handled this incredibly well. How dare anyone judge your decisions and actions in regard to this!

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) on February 8, 2009 at 9:00 PM said...

Oh, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this--and that he continues to be a presence in your life. I'm so glad you're protecting your kids. Wow. Thanks for sharing this--and for your courage to heal and to protect your own children.

KimboSue on February 9, 2009 at 8:33 AM said...

Ditto with Kristin - can't believe your aunt has stayed married to him after knowing what he did to you. I agree you should no longer let him run your life and you should be able to see your family when you want. I too, however, would be cautious with my own children based on past experiences...

CappyPrincess on February 10, 2009 at 8:57 AM said...

It really sucks when bad people get away with bad things and all you really can do is try to get on with your life. I don't blame you for keeping your children away from that creep (I'd say man, but any male who needs to be inappropriate with young girls doesn't even qualify as a "man" in my book.)

Perhaps tell your aunt you'd be happy to bring the kids to see the rest of the family as long as the uncle in question is required to wear a sign around his neck that reads "pedophile" the entire time any child is in the home.

I know - that doesn't really solve the problem, but heck, let's call a spade a spade and make him wear his label.

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