100 posts. 100 times I've clicked "publish post". A few of those were pretty scary. I almost didn't click that button. A lot of those posts were having to face a reality I didn't want to face. A reality I thought I already had faced. I had a blog on Yahoo that I dealt with a lot of what I was feeling during the time my mom was diagnosed with cancer and then died. When I switched from there to here, I didn't really intend on rehashing the whole "my mom is dead" issue. It is a fact of my life, but I really thought I was over it. Now, I realize I will never be "over it". Now, I realize I am closer to acceptance then I was. I guess I should feel good about that, but I don't.
Accepting the fact that my mom is dead, makes it real. It makes it so that I can't fool myself into thinking otherwise. I can't just run away from these feelings. I can't hide them. It's been easier since I've opened that steel door and allowed those feelings to come over me. I knew it was good for me, but it took me a long time to open that door. Now that the door is open, I'm healing. It's a slow process and sometimes I get scared and want to shut that door again. For instance, I went on a runt he other day. I wasn't feeling stressed out, or cooped up, I just wanted to run. I was listening to my music and then I started crying. I have no idea why I was crying. I wasn't listening to a sappy song and I wasn't thinking about anything in particular. I had to sit down and catch my breath. I was hyperventilating, I could barley walk to the bench that was a few feet away. I took a few deep breaths and knew I was going to lose this battle of keeping these heart breaking sobs at bay. So, I just sat and let them come. Thankfully, I was alone and nobody had to witness me crying into my hands on a bench. Once I was done, I just got up and continued on my run. A bit slower and a bit more careful, but I kept going.
I came home very confused. I didn't' understand where this cry came from. I didn't understand why this cry had to come out. As I was cooking dinner, I thought more about it. I thought maybe it wasn't a heart breaking cry. Maybe it was a heart healing cry. Maybe this cry had been in there for awhile, but I wouldn't allow it to come out. Maybe, just maybe, my heart needed to get rid of that last bit of the painful, almost 3 years, of hiding in order for me to heal. I don't know exactly what type of cry it was, but I'm looking forward to the future and the healing.
The future can be a very scary place for me. The future I see, sometimes, is sitting in church at my dad's funeral, alone. Not that I won't have anyone round me, but I won't have my parents there. I don't live that fear everyday, but it is a thought that likes to run through my head every now and then. But the future doesn't have to be all gloom and doom and full of dead parents. It can be full of laughter and happiness. There are many days of laughter ahead of me and the people I share my life with. I will do my best to enjoy those days to the fullest and try not to think about the "whens".
Thank you to those of you who have read and commented and allowed me to push through this fog of sadness. I've been in and out of this black hole many times, but when I come out, it's because I know there are others rooting for me. There are others who care and they show it in emails and comments. Thank you doesn't seem enough, but trust me, I do thank you.