A few weeks ago when Mel did her Friday Blog Round-Up, she asked a question about your blog name fitting you. She asked "What would you do if your blog no longer fit--change your title, change your space, stop blogging altogether, keep blogging in the same space and simply change the topic du jour even if all other aspects remain the same?". Kristin answered the question in her post and decided to change her blog name. This got me thinking, yes I've thought about this for about 2 weeks.
I don't think my blog name will ever not fit me. I think I will ALWAYS be a Beautiful Mess. Not because I'm vain and I think I am absolutely beautiful, but I do know that I am a mess. I interpreted this term "beautiful mess" as that I am an emotional wreak, but on the inside. Very rarely, if ever do I show how much of a mess I actually am. There are times when I let my guard down and show a very select few, how much of a mess I am.
I've been a mess since my mom passed away. That moment in my life, the worst moment in my life, was a life changing event for me. I wasn't ready to lose my mom. I wasn't ready to take her place in our family. I thought we still had years left. She was still young, she was only 62 when she passed away. I/we should have had AT LEAST 15-20 more years with her. I understand the choices she made in her life caused her to die earlier then she should have, but that doesn't make the reality any easier to accept. She accepted it, but I am still a bit mad about it.
Her dying had such an effect on my life because this was the first death I've had to deal with that was so up close and personal. My dad's step dad passed away and that was sad. But it didn't effect me as much as my mom dying. When my aunt, uncle and grandmother *all on my mother's side* passed away, I was sad. I was sad for my mom and their family, but not necessarily for myself. They lived in Michigan, so I didn't see them as much. They weren't a part of my every day life. So when my mom died, it was and is really hard to accept. I'm getting there, but I still have my days.
I picked my blog name because I knew it would always fit. I knew , no matter where I am in my life, I'd always be a Beautiful Mess. There are things, like social networking sites, that I have a different persona. Such as Myspace; there I can be fun and flirty. I can post pictures of nights out with the girls. I don't have to be "prim and proper" like I am on Facebook. All my family are friends with me on Facebook, so that's the place where I tone it down a touch. I'm not a completely different person, i just am not as laid back as I am on Myspace.
On Myspace, I can send my friends inappropriate comments, inside jokes, and be as crude as I want to be. Not on Facebook. On Facebook, my family doesn't know that side of me. They know me as their niece, cousin, or the "good girl" they went to high school with. Yes, I've changed a lot since high school, but that doesn't mean I'm interested to let EVERYONE know that. The people on my Myspace friend's list are a select group and it's always been our "thing" to be over the top crude. I didn't intend on doing this, it just kind of happened, as I was getting requests on Facebook for family. As I got more requests, I decided I'd censor myself a bit. I think it's out of respect for my aunts and cousins. I doubt they want to see the pictures from my birthday party with my shirt that said "no gag reflex" on it. They really don't need to see that. And frankly, I don't want them to see it. It might make family gatherings a wee bit uncomfortable.
***I haven't gotten any emails from ANYONE about Paying It Forward! Seriously, this can't end at me! If I scared anyone away with my description of my cooking, I was only kidding. Well, kinda. It is true that I am not the BEST cook ever, but really I've never killed anyone or even made anyone sick with my cooking. If you REALLY want a crafty something, Kimbosue posted a craft that looks REALLY easy. I seriously think I might be able to do it. So please, someone, ANYONE email me and let me know if your interested..please?***