Jun 12, 2012

She Did it AGAIN!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 7 friends have commented
This child! She is going to give me a heart attack, I swear! She ran away again on Saturday. I was at my friend's house, taking a 2 hour break. I was only gone for 2 hours! She told her dad she was doing laundry, which I had told her to do while I was gone. So it wasn't suspicious that she went downstairs. She wrote a note and bolted. We didn't realize she was gone for about 3 hours. She had made her bed so that it looked like she was still sleeping in it. She had been pouting and sleeping since we brought her home Friday. When I went in there to tell her dinner was ready, I realized she was gone. Dirty and I went back down to the police station and filed ANOTHER runaway report. The officer was very kind and said he wouldn't put her into the computer as a runaway until he checked out her boyfriend's house. We drive around a bit, Dirty dropped me off at home so to make sure Zilla didn't know what was going on and to give my dad an update. Dirty went over to the boyfriend's house and waited for the police instead of running into their house and scaring them away. Nothing, she wasn't there and his mother didn't know where he was either. At this point, we're positive their together, but aren't sure where they could be. We tried to get some sleep and when we woke up we started the whole thing over again. Instead of alerting her friends, I contacted every adult I knew. I told them all that Nae had runaway again and to either call me or the cops if she is seen. I even sent out a mass FB message with her photo attached to anyone that lives in town. I figured the more adults that knew, the better our chances of finding her.

The boyfriend's mom stopped by with Nae's things. She was over there Thursday AND Saturday but the mom didn't know she was a runaway so she didn't think anything of it. After the police talked to her, she went up to his room and found a drawer of Nae's stuff and then went driving around looking for them but didn't find them. She did tell me that they might be hanging out with another boy that drives and gave me his name and description of his vehicle. As soon as she left, I called the police and told them I had new information. Dirty Googled that kid and found his parents' names and address and then got in the car and drove over there. Nobody was home so he talked to a neighbor, told him what was going on and asked him to give our number to the father and have him call us.

On Dirty's way home, he drove by a park and there she was! He blocked her in so she couldn't run and she willingly got into the car. He told the children she was with that Nae was a runaway and if they help her runaway again or hang out with her knowing she had run away, he will sue their parents for custodial interference. Of course, the children don't know the laws and what custodial interference is and that we can't ACTUALLY sue their parents, but whatever keeps Nae out of trouble!

She walked in the door crying and gave me a hug. I bawled like a baby just SO happy to have her back. Then after about 15 minutes I was PISSED! I asked her why she kept doing this and why she thinks her life is so bad that she needs to run away. She didn't have any answers for me. Then I said "there are children out there who get beat and raped by their parents, THOSE kids deserve to run away. There are children who don't know where their next meal is coming from, not just that they want Mac and Cheese instead of chicken enchiladas for dinner. THOSE kids deserve to run away. You have two parents that love and care for you, yet you choose to run away. Hell, I don't even have a mom and you're treating me like shit! This has got to stop! We need to figure out what the hell is going on with you!" Low blow, but she needs to see what this is doing to us. It isn't just about her and how "unfair her life is", she is doing this to ALL of us. She cried harder and kept apologizing, but I just don't know. I do think she was remorseful and I do think she feels bad for making us worry, but I still don't think she gets it. In the end she is still a teenager and thinks everyone is out to get her.

As of right now, she is home. Her attitude has been pleasant the past few days, so that's a plus. She isn't getting much freedoms, well NO freedoms. We gave her the choice to go to school this week to take her finals WITH me tagging along or have us reschedule them for after school where she can be monitored by someone who knows what is going on and myself. She chose the latter of the two.

So we will see, I guess. This is going to be a long road to rebuild but I'm hopeful that we're in the rebuilding process. I still won't give her much room to prove me wrong. I still can't and don't trust her. The trust won't be there for awhile.....

Jun 9, 2012

Where Did I Go Wrong?

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 8 friends have commented
We were happily chugging along in life. There were some trials and quite a few bumps but I felt we did a good job of navigating our family through all of them. I emailed teachers, talked to parents, talked to her, told her our reason for punishment and praised her when she was doing good. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was raising a daughter who would eventually make the right decisions and get back on the right track. There was yelling, but no physical punishment (no matter how much my hand was itching to make contact with her cheek), I knew it would do no good to lay my hands on her. Once the heat of the moment passed, we all took deep breaths and talked as calmly as possible. We wiped the slate clean, the past was the past. We accepted her boyfriend, despite not liking him. We went to bat for her at school and in the courtroom. We didn't make excuses for her actions or her behavior, but we as her parents stepped up to the plate. All this while I'm trying to graduate from college. Have you ever had to schedule a final around your daughter's court date? It isn't easy, I don't recommend it. The shit storm of having a rebellious teenager died down and she was polite, fun to be around, helpful, got her grades back up, and was generally being a NICE person. I actually enjoyed being around her and wanted to spend time with her. We were getting good reports from her teachers, not just about her grades but about her attitude. She was being respectful and kind to her teachers. "We have turned a corner! She is doing so well. That was a shitty year, hopefully Zilla learns from this and won't put us through this." That's what we thought, we were high fiving each other and commending our parenting skills because clearly we rock. Then Thursday June 7 happened. There was a period of 26 hours that I didn't know where my daughter was. My 15 year old daughter was not home, nor did I know where she was when I went to sleep that night.

I filed a runaway report that night, I knocked on her boyfriend's door, I had the police call his mother, I called and sent a text every single one of her friends trying to get ANY information as to where my daughter was. I woke up the next morning and started calling people and schools right away. I was in contact with her boyfriend all day and he told me he didn't know where she was, yet I'm being told by a few different sources that she IS with him. I went back to his house and his older sister tells me she has no idea where my daughter is. I resorted to telling them that she is a missing child at this point and there is an Amber Alert out for her. Yep. I lied to get that damn kid to tell me where my kid was. This whole time, we never heard from the boyfriend's mother. WTF?! Where is she?! Why isn't she answering her door and her phone at 11 PM and if my daughter is in her house, why does she think I would be OK with this?!

Finally at noon, on Friday, I found her. It was pure luck that I did find her, but she was safe. Pissed off at the world, but safe. The officer came and she got cited with a few things, but that really isn't on my top priority list of worries right now. My biggest worry is how do I get through her?! How do I tell her that I am not against her? I am not the enemy here, I am WITH her! I want her happy, I want her to have friends, I want her to do stupid teenage things (not illegal) and have stupid stories to tell when she gets older. I do not want her to run away, nor do I want her to die. I want her safe, healthy and happy, clearly that is too much to ask at the moment.

Where did I go wrong? Was I too overprotective? Did I not give her enough space to learn to do things on her own? I thought I was doing all the right things, how how wrong I was.

Jan 29, 2012

Still Here and Still Crazy

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 9 friends have commented
So...I've had the urge to blog for awhile now, but whenever I sit down to actually type out a post, my brain goes crazy. There was SO much going on the past few months that it feels like I am running on place, getting exhausted and getting NOWHERE.

The situation with Nae got WAY worse and is now (I think) getting better. About a week after Christmas, she decided to go over to her boyfriend's house with her friend, she neglected to tell us that part. We found out where she was and when she got home there was a HUGE blow up between her Dirty and myself. We followed through with her punishment as we had stated when she got into trouble the first time. Well, the LAST time, not the first time. I wish! She had to take EVERYTHING off her walls, hand over her phone, iPod, and anything else that was considered a luxury. We also took the door off her room, which may sound a bit harsh but we couldn't trust her to not be watched ALL the time. As we were in the midst of telling her what we wanted her to do, there was a lot of yelling and her saying how unfair her life is. Dirty and I were up until 2 AM talking, crying and thinking. We found out a lot of things one never wants to find out about their child. She was smoking pot, skipping school AND taking pictures and posting them online of all these activities. We shut down her Facebook acct, Twitter, emails, and Tumblr accounts. That wasn't the worst of it. We woke up the next morning and Nae had run away. We assumed she was at her boyfriend's house but wasn't sure. So we went down to the police station and filed a runaway report. We had to give them a recent photo of her and fill out paper work stating that if she wasn't found within 24 hours, we would have to bring down a sample of her hair for DNA and they needed her dentist's number for dental records. All very scary and I wasn't handling it well.

The police ended up finding her at her boyfriend's house in car because they were on their way to the mall in a different town. If that had happened? We wouldn't have found her for at least a day. I told Dirty if that would have happened, he was going to have to medicate me, 3 hours was bad enough, I can't imagine have to go OVERNIGHT not knowing where she was or what she was doing.

So now, she's grounded, still. She is earning her privileges and our trust back slowly, but I don't know how long that is going to take. We've talked about family counseling, but I still just don't know. honestly, I'm a little shocked and have no idea what to do about it. She does seem better now, but she only gets out of the house when she goes to school. She really has no time to do the activities she was doing before.

Part of me feels like a failure for allowing her to get this far away. I know that teenagers are jerks and will do whatever they want and that their brain hasn't fully developed which leads to impulsive behavior and rash decision making. Knowing all of that doesn't really make me feel any better, though.

Aside from the teenage drama issues, Dirty has a few issues of his own and I am drained! I am finding myself bitter toward him even though I know his issues are chemical (anxiety) and he is trying to overcome them. I am just tired of feeling like I am carrying this family. I don't know if I ACTUALLY am, but it sure as hell feels like it. Sometimes, I just want to run away. Not the most mature idea I've ever had, but it is the truth. I won't run away though, not yet anyway.

I'm going to do my best to blog more regularly in the hopes that, that will help me feel less alone.
 

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