May 27, 2010

Let's Have a Little Chat, Shall We?

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 12 friends have commented
WHEW has it been awhile since I've been here! And it looks SO different! Thank you Heather for revamping my blog. I love it! It's been a very busy, crazy, and wild few weeks. School is going well....could be going better but I'm not failing anything, so there's that. I'm getting 3 A's and a B; oddly enough the B is in my writing class. I am having THE worst time in this class. I am NOT a very good persuasive writer, but I've got one more essay to write and I'm feeling pretty good about it. OK enough about that, lets get to the good stuff...

Awhile back I had asked ya'll about sexual fantasies and husbands. Dirty has been picking my brain and wants to know what I'm thinking. Which normally isn't a bad thing, but some things are just for me. Ya'll agreed and so I decided not to tell him EVERYTHING, but just a few things. Since I turned 30 my libido has been THROUGH the roof! (think of a cat in heat) We've been both having all kinds of fun with this the past 4 years or so, but lately? Oh goodness! I don't know if it's that I'm out doing things like school and reliving the college years I never had and taking time for myself or what but things in the bedroom area haven't calmed down and from the way he accosts me when I pass him, it doesn't look like they will any time soon. Which, obviously, I am OK with. Since I love to analyze things, I decided to analyze why we've been acting like he just got home from boot camp. Here's what I came up with...

~My confidence is a lot higher than it was before. I'm not at home all the time doing laundry, cooking meals, worrying about who has to be where and what time. I'm actually out doing things for myself. It may be just going to the school for my math class, but for those 2 hours, all I'm thinking about are equations and the idiot in the back who keeps interrupting the professor. This time is my time. Me time does wonders for my libido, apparently.

~I'm not depressed anymore. Obviously this is a no brainier. Being depressed will do NOTHING for ones libido. Kind of hard to have sex when you're crying and sleeping all the time. Least it was for me. Coming to terms with my mom's death and what it meant for me was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life, thus far, but well worth it.

~Going out with my friends. It could be looked at that I do this too much, but I disagree. I did nothing with anyone for about 10 years after I had Nae and Zilla. I wasn't a hermit, I was just very focused on them and other stuff. The nights when I go out with my friends is just for fun and to let all the stress go from school and home. Even if going out on a Thursday with a friend and his brother (which isn't not a great idea because guys LOVE to play drinking games and I lose) and being hung over the next day is "frowned" upon by others, I don't care. This is my life and I'll get away when I can.

~Spoiling myself. I've been buying myself things that I don't "need" but did it anyway because, dammit I deserve it! Spoiling myself with a new pair of jeans or even a new bra makes me feel good, which makes Dirty feel good, if you know what I mean.

~Getting good grades. This is a confidence things because the 2 terms of getting a 4.0 is all ME, but it makes me feel proud of myself and I'm happy We all know a happy woman means a happy rest of the world.

~My hand isn't broken anymore and I don't foresee any surgeries in my future. Being without pain is always a plus.

I don't have time for everything I want to do, but I am getting better at organizing my schedule and that makes me less stressed out. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I do the best I can.
Spring term ends in 2 weeks and summer terms starts about 2 weeks after that. Hopefully financial (no) aid will hold up their end of the bargain and I'll be able to attend a few classes over the summer and then start again full time in the fall. If not, then I'll be busy painting and organizing the new house. If THAT doesn't happen, we'll figure something out. We should close June 15th, but nothing has gone according to plan, so I'm not putting any money on anything just yet. I'm hoping I'll be back to blogging and reading blogs with some regularity soon. In the mean time, my nose will be stuck in a book studying for my FINALS!

May 8, 2010

Hanging on by a Thread

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 17 friends have commented
I'm trying, I really am and I may even be succeeding...if only on the outside. On the inside, not so much. I'm a truly living up to my name "Beautiful Mess" these past few weeks. Mother's day *sigh* I am not a fan. My first mother's day without my mom was tough, but I dealt with it. And by "dealt with it" I mean Peaches and I made many batches of margarita and we drank them all. Not a very good way to deal with something, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I didn't cry one time, thank you very much Patron, I was a happy drunk. The next year I didn't want to acknowledge the day at all. I wanted it to be any other day, but that wasn't an option. So I allowed Dirty and the children to do their thing while crying when the children weren't around. Last year was rough too, but a dear bloggy friend organized "OMG You Rock" and I was able to focus my energies on someone else and look forward to open my gift. It worked and the day wasn't so horrible. This year is the exact opposite. I hear or see a commercial for Mother's Day and I get angry. I've even gave the TV the middle finger, I'm oh SO mature.

I know it's selfish but I want to scream at the TV "not everyone wants to celebrate Mother's Day, assholes!" I can't escape the day, no matter how hard I try. And apparently I'm not pulling off the "I'm fine" front I'm trying to pass off. Dirty told me yesterday he wasn't sure what to do for Mother's Day. He knows I want to forget it and do nothing, but can't. I just want Sunday to pass as quickly as possible so I can get out of this damn funk I've been in for two weeks.

I'm not sure what's in store for Sunday. I do know that Zilla has something for me he made at school and I'm so very appreciative he was able to make something for me. He also has a flower to give me, if only it wasn't a mum, that might not make the tears flow so easily. I don't know what Dirty and Nae have planned and I'm really hoping it isn't something huge. I am just not ready to celebrate this day. All the other holidays, I can deal with. Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and all the rest, I can get through without wanting to throw something at my TV or hide in bed for hours, but not this one. Yes, I am SO grateful for my family and the fact that they want to show appreciation for me on this day, despite it not sounding that way. I am perfectly aware there are women who would like nothing more than to have a mum given to them by their child. Right now, in this moment, I can't get over the fact that I can't celebrate with my mom.

I always spoiled my mom on Mother's day. I would get her flowers, a sweet card and something nice. Something that was just for her, something that she didn't have to share with anyone else, something to celebrate her womanhood and how amazing she is. I haven't been able to do that in four years and that hurts, a lot. Thinking about our past mother's days, just makes me sad. Thinking that if I bought her a card right now, she wouldn't be able to enjoy it and I wouldn't be able to see the tears of gratitude in her eyes, that just breaks my heart.

I know I'll get through this and the other side is a nice and calm place to be, but at this moment that place seems very far off. I'll get there, it'll take some tears and some hissy fits, but I'll get there.

May 1, 2010

Project What If

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 10 friends have commented
I debated on posting this all week. I am a HUGE supporter for all my beautiful, amazing Bloggy friends going through infertility, but I always feel like a fake when I say we struggled with infertility, too. Not that our struggles don't mean anything or "count", but what we went through was NOTHING compared to what some of you go through on a daily basis. My biggest fear when joining the ALI group on Mel's blog roll was offending someone who is struggling. That, THANKFULLY, has never happened. Not that I'm aware of at least. I know that the pain of infertility isn't a pissing contest, nor would anyone look at me and say "you don't belong", but still! The thought of offending someone or causing someone pain with my words, makes me want to cry and run away from my blog. I'm a compassionate woman, and I feel horrible for those still struggling. I know that NIAW is an important week to all of us and we (even me) should make infertility something everyone can talk about. I posted a status update on FB and got a lot of support and after reading MANY of the posts, I have decided to do my own.

What if I hadn't gotten pregnant with Nae? What would my life look like now?
What if I hadn't gotten an infection in my uterus, thus causing scarring?
What if the scarring hadn't caused my first miscarriage?
What if my mom never told me about hers? Would I know what was happening to my body?
What if I hadn't had my second miscarriage? Would that child been a girl or a boy?
What if I had both those children I miscarried? Would I have 4 alive children, or would we have stopped at two?
What if my BIL allowed us to adopt his son, before I got pregnant with Zilla? Would we have still tried to have another?
What if we had stopped at two? Would the second be just like Zilla?
What if I didn't know my body so well and didn't realize I was having another miscarriage in December 2008?
What would have happened if I was able to carry that child to term?
What if I hadn't made the decision to take charge of my body and have my tubes tied after Zilla?
What if I was able to carry a child to term without medication or fear? Would we have more?
I don't have the answer to ANY of these questions. I do my best not to dwell on the what if's of life, they tend to make me sad. Instead I try to find the joy and beauty in what I have NOW.
Right now I have a family. It isn't the one I saw myself having when I was a child, but its the one that's perfect for me now. 
I vow to make a difference in the way people look at infertility. I will do my best to make people knowledgeable about the subject. I will continue to work toward my goal of being a fertility RN. I will talk about infertility in my classes and educate as many people as I can.

You can read more What If's at Mel's place in her comment section. They are all so beautifully written with such emotion. You can also go to Resolve's website and see what YOU can do to help spread the word.

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