Jun 29, 2009

His First Experience With Death

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 22 friends have commented
*children and death mentioned*

First I would like to thank you all SO much for all the anniversary wishes. We are a boring old couple and did nothing. We had some "couple/adult" time Saturday night and I made an AMAZING lasagna on Sunday, but that was about it. We are boring!

What a week it's been with all the deaths! Each one of them has made me a bit sad. Not sad for me *PROGRESS*, but sad for their families and their friends. I know how difficult the road of grief is and I feel sad for those that have to travel it.

The one that has hit our household the most had been the death of Billy Mays. Neither of the children knew Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, or Michael Jackson. There were stories about Michael Jackson, but the children didn't have any questions and I didn't expect them, either. Nae had laughed at a picture if Michael Jackson she saw on TV and I told her to have some respect. Just because he may have looked funny because of all of his surgeries, he still deserves respect.

The one death that caught our household off guard was Billy's death. We watched his show and he was a very recognizable person for the children. Mostly for Zilla, then for Nae. Nae didn't have any questions, she's old enough to understand death. especially with her Oma *my mom* dying. She knows about death and we've already had many conversations about it. Zilla, on the other hand, was too young to understand that Oma died. We told him, but has he was only almost 3, he really didn't have much clue. He's made a few comments here and there, but on the whole he hasn't experienced death in his short little life.

That all changed when he heard about the death of Billy Mayes. He was very concerned about what was going to happen with his TV show. He said "there won't be a Pitchmen show anymore because the pitchman is dead". He said it very casually and very matter of fact. I wasn't quite sure how to respond to this, I didn't and don't want to push any of my death issues onto him. So I just said "maybe they will have his son or just the other pitchman on there now instead of Billy". He was satisfied with that answer and was OK with it. But all day long, he kept saying something about it. I think he was just trying to wrap his little head around the idea that he won't be seeing this man on TV anymore and that he is not alive. He mentioned he is sad for Billy's children. He also asked what had happened. I gave him the simplest answer I could. I told him (from what I read) "that his wife wasn't able to wake him up after he hit his head the night before, when his plane landed. " He wanted to know if there was a crash and from my knowledge there was not. I'm pretty sure I said the right thing, if such a thing even exists, and Zilla seems to be pretty content with the answers I gave him. So far, there hasn't been anymore questions. That will probably change when he seems something on the TV. For right now, I am happy to keep the television off.

I don't want to avoid the subject, it's going to come up eventually in our lives. We have a relative that is in poor health and when she passes away, we will revisit this topic again. But for right now, I am happy to keep his innocent intact as much as I possibly can. I won't lie to him if he has anymore questions, but for right now, I think I'm going to let him tell me when he is ready.

I believe if he isn't asking the questions, then he isn't ready for the answers. Am I wrong? Has anybody dealt with death and younger children before? Nae is and always has been a lot more mature then Zilla. So this is all new territory for me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Jun 28, 2009

Happy Anniversary To US!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 38 friends have commented
w00t! it's my 16 year anniversary! That, my friends, is CRAZY! It doesn't feel like 16 years, but it sure as hell doesn't feel like "wasn't it just yesterday?!" We've been through A LOT these past 16 years. Lots of ups and lots of downs, but I know that no matter what, I can count on Husband to see me through it and I him.

He knows me better then I know myself, which really pisses me off sometimes, but generally I'm thankful for it. He is my best friend, my soul mate, and the person I want to make happy. A lot of people don't understand our relationship or him and I use to care, now, they can all kiss my ass. He can be gruff at times, but he's honest. He may not say it as sensitive as he could, but he has NEVER lied to me, I respect him for that. He doesn't like to go out, quite the opposite actually, but never minds that I'm a social butterfly. We are opposites, but we compliment each other. I'm strong where he is weak and vise verse.

The first two years he was in San Diego in the Navy and I was in Oregon. It sucked and I hated every minute of it, but if it wasn't for those 2 years apart, I don't think we could have made it as far as we have. Those two years taught us how to communicate. Taught us how to live as a couple, as well as separately. Is was a blessing in disguise.

There are many topics that we don't agree on, but we can respect the other's view and opinion. There are topics that we couldn't agree on more and those are the topics where our marriage really thrives. Those times show just how compatible we are for each other.

He's made sacrifices for my family. He helped build a ramp when my mom had her wheelchair. He read the paperwork to my sisters and my dad that the funeral home had to have signed. He's been an amazing support system to me and I could never thank him enough for that.

Happy anniversary, love of my life!

Jun 26, 2009

My Life Has Been Turned Upside Down

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 21 friends have commented
I'm being a bit of a drama queen saying it like that, but right now, it's how I feel. It's nothing urgent and won't cause me any physical harm. It might cause me some emotional harm, but there's nothing new there. I'm an overly sensitive person at times, so I can deal.

BFF..whom I need a name for now because SHE IS LIVING WITH ME...how about we call her Peaches. Yes, Peaches sounds good. OK, so Peaches is now living with me *sigh*

She moved to Washington state last year, almost EXACTLY a year ago, to live with her boyfriend. They had been dating a year or do by then and decided to take the leap. It was a rough choice for her to make, it was a hard choice to ALLOW her to make, but I did it. I felt it wasn't the right choice, and I told her so, BUT I did tell her I would support her no matter what. And I did, still do. The day she left sucked, A LOT! We had cried our tears before and I was determined to be strong for her and everyone else involved. There was a lot of dramatics going on about her moving. People who were her friends, OUR friends were freaking out about her moving away. They were crying and carrying on like she was dying. I would roll my eyes and think "I have known her for 12 years and you don't see ME freaking out. Get yourself together!". I was a good girl and didn't say that to anyone, as much as I wanted too, but I kept my mouth shut. I cried when she left, but I sucked it up pretty good. It sucked for me, personally, my best friend was moving away, but it wasn't like I was NEVER going to see her again. I felt this was a huge move on her part, she was opening herself to a man and was making a HUGE leap to move to a different state. Not just physically, but emotionally too.

Things were great the first few weeks, but then reality set and they started fighting. She would call me and ask me what to do or what I would do. She actually listened to me and took my advice. The about 2 weeks ago, I couldn't give her anymore advice. I was out of it. Completely dry! Bitch (I say that in a loving way, btw) had taken my advice, ALL of it and left me with no choice but to say "you need to figure out what you're going to do and DO IT! We're here for you. Just make a decision, for the love of God, make a FREAKING decision!".

Well, she did. I texted her on Monday about something random and she didn't reply. I texted her again with some smart ass remark about her ignoring me and she told me her and Boyfriend had broken up and she was packing her stuff. I told her I was there for her and let me kn ow what she needed. I left it at that. Which, if you know me, is NOT an easy thing for me to do. I hover, I mother hen, I fix things, especially when you're hurt. I didn't try to call, I didn't call anyone else to go get her, I didn't try to call to text Boyfriend. I just let it run it's course. Honestly, I didn't think it was real. They have broken up so many times in their two year relationship, I've lost count. Even if it wasn't real, she was still upset. So I left the ball in her court. I told her to let me know if she needs anything and didn't coddle her at all. It's not that I don't care, I do care....A LOT! I just couldn't put a lot of energy into something that may or may not be The Real Thing.

It's the real thing. She showed up on my doorstep looking like HELL with her stuff packed in white garbage bags. It was a heart breaking sight. We sat in the backyard and she told me all about it. She was very matter of fact about it. It's a mutual thing, so hard feelings on any one's part. It just wasn't working out anymore. Both of them had tried, but they are both to damned stubborn and to damned spoiled to bend for the other. Frankly, Husband and I are surprised they lasted this long. If she was a man, she would be Boyfriend and if he was a woman, he would be Peaches. I feel bad for both of them, but all I can do is be there for her. She is where my loyalties lie. I don't hold any ill will toward Boyfriend, I rather like him. He's always been nice to me. When they've stayed at our house he was always very respectful, he talked to Husband, played with the children, all around a nice guy. I can see where his faults and her lie, but that wasn't my problem. It is now, though. *sigh*

We tried to take her out last night, but she ended up fleeing the bar in tears. I let her know that this was the one AND ONLY night that tears in the bar was allowed. Normally, the "no tears in the bar" rule is STRICTLY enforced. I knew going out was a bad idea, but she wanted to go. Then her brother wanted to pick her up last night instead of this morning to go to Washington to get the rest of her stuff. Which ended up being a good thing because she was on the end of her "happy face"rope. When she ran from the bar, her brother followed and they left.

I cleaned my room today and made some room for her stuff in my dresser and my closet. I put her shoes away and I hung up a bunch of her clothes. The whole time I doing it, I'm feeling so sad for them, for the situation. It sucks, it really does. I'm glad she was gone for a few days so I was able to get her stuff put away because there is no way she was going to be able to do it, too final.

We're going to give her a week to grieve the situation and then we're going to kick her ass into HUGE gear. It's time for her to learn to live on her own. Something which she has NEVER done. It's not going to be an easy road, but hopefully she'll be open to it.

Husband thinks this isn't "forever". I hope he's wrong. Not that I want Peaches or Boyfriend to be unhappy, but because I honestly think they aren't right for each other. Plus, I don't know if I have it in me, emotionally, to deal with them getting back together again. That's selfish, I know, but she can be draining at times. I love her dearly, she is like a sister to me. She knows me better then anyone besides Husband. She knows how I feel without having to ask me. She knows when to back off and when to come forward. She knows when it's OK to hug or touch me. She's one of the few people I feel comfortable being raw with. But she can be very draining.

Jun 25, 2009

Show and Tell: A little Adult Fun

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 20 friends have commented
A few of my girlfriends and I have a game we play. Not so much anymore, since one of them got a job and the other moved to a different state, but we still play when we all get together.

This game is called "how many free drinks can you score in one night" or "the free drink game". Sometimes we try to get drinks for our table, which also counts to our total, or we try to get a free drink for ourselves.

The last time we played was in December on my birthday. I won, but BARELY! We had our meeting before leaving the house and knew how to go about getting our drinks. Of course my angle was it was my birthday, BFF's angle was that she has a nice ass. Really not fair because she ALWAYS has a nice ass.

We sometimes use "props" to lure our victims to us. Such as this matchbook. I got it from BFF and it brings up a conversation EVERY time! We'll lay it on the table and sure enough someone guy will come up to talk to us and see that and a light bulb will go off in his dirty, drunk mind. We are really good about not getting drunk, just tipsy, so we're ALWAYS playing with a clear head and ahead of the drunk one(s).

The conversation starts off with an innocent introduction and then he'll see the matchbook and ask something like "are you REALLY not wearing underwear?!" We laugh and say something clever like "What do YOU think?" The question never gets answered directly and one of will get a mark in our column.

Some nights the game doesn't work well in our favor, but it's still fun to play. Other nights, it works REALLY well in our favor. It's all in fun and we always end up having a good time. YAY for great friends and good times with them!

Head on over and see what the rest of the class is showing!


Jun 23, 2009

Little bit of This

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 36 friends have commented
*A very opinionated post. And not because of the Bat Shit Crazy Pills I'm taking, Wiseguy*

I'm a little bit irritated about some people and the way they are being treated by friends. I've read a bunch of blogs the past two days, as it's ICLW and there is NOT one blog on the list that isn't amazing! A few of the blogs have one thread in common and that is not being supported and being judged by the people in their lives. This REALLY pisses me off! I get that the choices and decisions we make in our lives are going to ruffle some feathers. Believe me, I get it! There have been MANY times when the decisions I've made that have been met with weird looks. But if your friends and/or family judge you, who is left?

It is NOT OK to judge someone for their choices! Of course, there are circumstances when someone did something not right, and in that case, lets throw stones at the fucker. But when it comes to a decision a couple is making to build their family (or not) or how to raise their kids, nobody gets a say in that. You can give your opinion, but nobody gets to tell you you're doing the "wrong thing".

There have been friends in my life who make the wrong choice, in my opinion, or one I wouldn't make, but I'll still support them. Even when that choice leads them to fall flat on their face, I'll still support them. Once the air is cleared and the friend can see the error of her ways, THAT'S when I do the "I told you so dance", not before.

After my mom died, there were a lot of people at the ready to help me grieve. I wasn't ready to grieve then. It took me awhile, but not many of those people were still around when I needed them. When I fell into the pit of darkness and I needed a really good friend the most, I didn't get it. That friend ignored the problem and pretended I was fine. Why? Because SHE couldn't see me "weak". That's not cool.

It makes me sad that people can be so judgmental and so rude. I don't understand it. That may be that I live in my Pollyanna world where all I see are rainbows and sunshine, but it still makes me sad. Support your friends no matter what their going through. Isn't that what friends are suppose to do?!

Next I'm going to do a post on body image that's been rolling around in my head since I read Parenthood for Me's post on it. If you haven't read it, you SHOULD! It's amazing!

Jun 20, 2009

The Evolution of a Beautiful Mess

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 44 friends have commented
*children mentioned*

A long time (33 years) ago a little girl was born to an immigrant father and an American mother. The mother was in an abusive relationship prior to marrying the father. She had already had 4 children with her ex, but wanted more. The father always wanted children. On their wedding day they were so happy and the pictures show how beautiful and how much in love they were. They also had a dirty little secret known as "premarital sex", but you couldn't see the evidence of that, yet. Six months later their daughter (ME) was born and then one year and four(!) days later another daughter (my lil sis) was born.

My dad wasn't sure if he could father children, so they weren't wasting any time. They already knew my mother could, but seeing how raising her first batch didn't go so well, she was up for trying again with a man that didn't beat her for breast feeding. True story, sadly. Obviously they were successful in having children, rather quickly even.

My dad raised one of my mom's children from her previous marriage because she was only 5 or 6 when they were married. The others were much older and chose to live with their father. So my older sister, myself and my lil sis were raised fairly equally. My lil sis and I were treated a bit differently, only because we were A LOT younger then older sis and didn't have a chip on our shoulders about my dad not being "my dad". I didn't really see any of it until I was much older. Now I look back and I see ALL of it. It breaks my heart that those kids treated my dad the way they did.

Anyway, so lil sis and I were a bit spoiled. Not in the way that we got everything and anything we wanted, but in the way that still makes my husband curse my parents. My mom made our beds for us every morning. I NEVER made my lunch when I was a kid. I didn't have chores. We didn't have to do yard work. My mom cleaned our rooms. We didn't have to eat our dinner if we didn't like it. I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the point and might be ready to come after me with a sharp knife. Please don't, I don't look good with a cut down my cheek, or a broken nose.

I did start doing my own laundry around 16 and had to clean my own room by then, as well. So it wasn't THAT bad. Around that time I had my first serious boyfriend. He was older then me and went to a different school. Of course he was SO much cooler then me because of this and my friends were oh so jealous! I was able to go to all sorts of school functions early because of my OLDER boyfriend. The downside to all of this, is that I was a dumb teenager. And when he told me I was fat, I believed him. Instead of throwing up because that was just TOO much work and GROSS, I decided to stop eating. Simple as that! I did eat occasionally, but not much. So my teen years were a blur of getting down to the correct size (0) and impressing my boyfriend. DUMB!!!

Once that guy was out of my life, and I was slowly realizing that I didn't need to not eat, I found a new guy. My husband. He cured me of a lot of things just by loving and accepting me for who I am. That's not to say we haven't had our ups and downs, because we HAVE! Oh yes, we have. It's been a crazy almost 16(!) years, I tell ya!

Things were going rather smoothly in our lives up to that point. He went into the Navy, he was away for two years, he came back and we started our life living together. It was a hard two years, but we got through it. We got pregnant with Nae, went through a lot of emotional turmoil with that pregnancy, but came out on the other side with a HUGE sigh of relief and a HEALTHY baby. Something we weren't sure we were going to end up with and were prepared for the alternative.

As we started our lives with this baby, I threw myself into the roll of mother/wife. I did nothing for myself. I was happy to do so, it wasn't like I was forced to be selfless, it's just what I did. When we tried for another for years and got nothing but heartache, I threw myself into the roll even MORE so. During this time, I was slowly finding out exactly who Beautiful Mess was. I was starting to branch out a bit. Then Zilla came and I found myself throwing myself back into The Roll and Beautiful Mess was gone. I was happy to have the second chance and was fine with throwing out the new/old Beautiful Mess and just be the mom/wife again.

As Zilla got older, I branched out again. I went out with the girls and really found Beautiful Mess. She was a self confident, fun, happy girl. She was still selfless and would happily do things for her family and friends, but still knew that time for Beautiful Mess was necessary.

That woman slowly disappeared the day we heard that my mom had a stroke and was in the hospital. There were many months of rehab, adjusting medication, and doctor's appointments to deal with for my mom. I was either at home with my family or at my mom's side. I was helping my mom with her rehab or I was home cooking dinner. It needed to be done, so I did it. No big deal.

The day I went to the hospital and watched my mom die, the woman I was before died with her. I was lost. I didn't know where or who I was. I felt like an orphan. I felt useless. Especially so after the funeral, there was nothing left for me to do. So I did nothing. I just did what would have gotten me through the day and onto the next. I did that for three years. I rarely went out without a member of my family. If I did, it was at the urging of Husband. I've never EVER heard of a husband BEGGING his wife to go out with her girlfriends, but mine did. He encouraged me to go have fun and de-stress. Told me many times "it's OK, everything will be fine. Just go, have fun!" I would sometimes end up going AND having a good time, but there was always a part of me feeling like I shouldn't be out. I should be home, with my family or with my lil sis and dad. Instead of confronting this feeling, I buried it...DEEP! I became what many people know as "The Beautiful Mess"

This woman rarely did things for herself. If she did, she was racked with guilt over it. If she didn't go, she would eventually get bitter and angry. She got so sick of people saying "I'm sorry" or "I know how you feel, my *insert dead person's name here*died too". She would nod and disregarding her feelings because she had faked it so well, everyone thought she was fine. She thought "if everyone thinks I'm fine, I might as well BE fine". It was not the smartest thing she's ever done.

This Beautiful Mess stayed a long time, about three years. This woman cried alone. Rarely did she reach out. Sometimes when she did reach out, she was rejected by those who were suppose to "get it". They did not get it. It might have been that she wasn't explaining it correctly, words weren't coming out right. It might have been very hard to see this woman, whom they all thought was strong, was not. It was all an act. She was strong on the outside and sometimes that act was to hard to bear and she would slip. Her friends didn't know how to react. So they pretended it wasn't happening. There were a lot of hurt feelings and some relationships that won't ever be the same.

Today, right now, there is a new Beautiful Mess. She is Beautiful, but not so much of a mess anymore. I am beautiful, but not so much of a mess anymore. There will be days that will be messy, but those days won't last for months or years. Those days will be short lived. I know that now.

Who I am today is because of who I was when I was anorexic. Who I was when we thought Nae was sick. When we discovered she was NOT sick. When my body betrayed me and ruined our plans of what our family was suppose to look like. The day we welcomed Zilla into our family. When my mom had her strokes. When my mom diagnosed with cancer. When my mom died and finally when I accepted her death as not the end of my life or hers.

I hope to be this Beautiful Mess for a long time. I hope that when life happens, as I'm sure it will, I'll look back on my mistakes and not repeat them.

Happy ICLW! Have a seat and let me grab you a cup of coffee, glass of wine or a can of soda and you can tell me about yourself. Lets chat! Or we can layout in the sun reading magazines, drooling over the good lookin people and their beautiful clothes and gossip. Enjoy your time in my little corner of the blogosphere. Thank you for stopping by. You're ALWAYS welcome.

Jun 18, 2009

Show and Tell: A Potpourri of Randomness

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 11 friends have commented
I was looking back on my posts the other day and I realized I have a few unanswered questions on my past S&T posts.

First of all, THIS plant IS a curly willow! Thank you to everyone who told me. It's growing BEAUTIFULLY and it looks amazing. The leaves have a wonderful curl to them. I'm SO interested in what this plant/tree/branch is going to turn into. Wiseguy and I have been emailing each other all week talking about it. I've been sending her pictures of the leaves and the roots. The roots are such an interesting color. They go from a brown, to a pink, to a white color as they grow from the stem. Absolutely amazing!

Kristin also named it the ALI Surprise tree. Here's what she said "I hereby dub it the ALI Surprise tree. Kind of fits because we never know when the hell a procedure is going to work and you never know when a plant is going to live (bwahahaha, sorry, I couldn't resist)" I couldn't have said it better myself! THEN Heather made me a little badge for it! THEN Wiseguy made another badge, put it on her blog WITH link to mine. BOY am I lucky to have these wonderful women in my life!
Here I posted about my new bedding that THE store I got it from wasn't going to allow me to return it. I had washed it according to the instructions and it had torn! I was less then happy about it. So, I emailed the company and I was refunded my money. They apologized for any trouble and gave me store credit. Which I was fine with, because we had paid with our debit card, so I wasn't expecting to get cash in hand, per se. When I told my MIL about this whole fiasco, she went upstairs and brought down a queen size bed in a bag set for us! She said she bought it awhile ago and had never used it. So I brought it home, put it on my bed and it looks GREAT! The sheets were a bit crisp, but after a few washings, they are comfy. My bedding STILL doesn't match my curtains, but I am really unconcerned about that.

Last but not least, I posted about my lemon bars and some of you wanted the recipe, so here it is:

Lemon Squares

6 Tablespoons butter or margarine
1/4 cup granulated sugar
1 cup all-purpose flour
2 eggs
2/3 cup granulated sugar
2 Tablespoons all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon finely shredded lemon peel
3 Tablespoons lemon juice *I used the lemon I grated and it was the perfect amount*
1/4 teaspoon baking powder

Grease 8x8x2 inch baking pan. Beat butter for 30 seconds, add the 1/4 cup sugar and 1/4 teaspoon salt, beating till fluffy. Stir in the 1 cup of flour. Pat dough into bottom of pan. Bake in a 350 degree oven for 15 minutes. Meanwhile, beat eggs , and remaining 3/4 cup sugar, 2 tablespoons flour, lemon peel, and baking powder. Beat 3 minutes or till slightly thickened. Pour over baked layer. Bake in a 350 oven 25-30 minutes longer or till light golden brown. around edges and center is set. Cool. Sift powdered sugar over top, if desired. Cut into squares. Makes 16.

I think about covers it. head on over to Mel's and see what the rest of the class is showing.

Jun 16, 2009

Hoesty Award and The Silly Six

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 15 friends have commented
(ETA: I am NOT dumb, nor do I NOT know how to hit "check spelling(dumbass)" I did catch my spelling error in the title. I was going to fix it, but I thought it would be funny to see if anyone caught on. Of course Kristin A.K.A The Smart Woman caught it first. Me and the things that amuse me aren't cool, this I know *sigh*)

Oh I love me some Honest Awards! This one ALWAYS make me think. Which hurts..A LOT, but I'll do my best not to hurt myself TOO much!

WiseGuy tagged me for this because she is funny like that! And, of course, if you're not reading her blog, you are MISSING OUT! She has a warm and welcoming blog-house and you really should go have some coffee with her. She thought maybe I would get on it really fast like I did with my last one. Sorry to disappoint ya love, but it's taken me awhile *KISSES*

OK, here's the 411 on this here award:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. CHECK!
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon. Umm how about 1 or 2?
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself. I'm on it!

Are ya ready? 'Cause I am...ish

1) I love to sing! Just not in public. I am a horrible singer, but I love to rock out to my ipod.

2) I LOVE my cell phone. Well not this particular cell phone, per se, but I am addicted to texting and talking on it.

3) I've been tempted to throw said cell phone across the room. It's a touch screen, NOT a tap screen. So, if it gets ANY type of finger print on it, it goes CRAZY! Dumbest idea for a cell phone EVER!

4) I have a very strange relationship with my husband. We rarely are "lovey" toward each other and use phrases such as "sex hole" and "whore" for each other. I'll let you guess who is who ;o)

5) I'm a shameless flirt! I don't do it intentionally ALL the time, but I am a flirt. Husband doesn't care and finds it hilarious!

6) Some of my friend's husbands or boyfriends find this disturbing. They think I'll "taint" their woman. Whatever.

7) I am a HORRIBLE house wife. I HATE cleaning the bathroom and moping, so it rarely gets done.

8) I love to lay out in the sun and relax.

9) Patron is my favorite tequila. Very expensive, but OH SO GOOD!

10) I am glad all but one of my sisters (and a brother) live in California. They are all into drugs and I would rather not have them in my life.

OK, I'm going to tag Kristal over at Just a single mom in love. She and I "met" on Twitter and I started reading her blog last night. You should go on over there and check her out. She is a great writer and she's blogging about some heavy stuff right now. Thankfully it's in her past. Seriously, go on over and check it out. She's a very brave woman!

And that's it. If YOU haven't done this and YOU want to...have at it! Let me know, so I can read it though.

Now onto Six Silly things that make me HAPPY!

Kristin was tagged for this. She didn't tag me, but said it was up for grabs. So, I, of course grabbed it. Heather did it too, because she said Kristin bitch slapped her. Kristin said Heather would KNOW if she had, so it's still up for debate whether there was a bitch slapped involved or not. Personally, I think...never mind, that thought is gone now ;o)

Here's the drill...
* Mention and link to the person who tagged you
* List Six Silly Things That Make You Happy
* Tag six of your favorite bloggers to play along

1) My ipod makes me VERY happy! I could get lost in my ipod for hours.

2) Jogging. Weird, I know! But when I go out for a jog or a fast walk, I can get lost in the moment and it feels very free!

3) My new bikini. I FINALLY found one that fits the girls and the bottoms have a ruffle on them! Too cute! Plus it was only $6. How could I go wrong with THAT?!

4) Cooking new meals that taste good and aren't too DIFFICULT. I've had many successes and a few failures, but I'm having a blast with it!

5) Having people over. They don't have to come over for a specific reason, I just love when my friends come over for a visit.

6) Baths. Oh I love my baths! Especially when it's cold and I sink into a hot tub and instantly warm up. AHHHHHH

OK, once again, I'm only tagging Kristal. She likes it, I promise! She even told me so last night when we were chatting on MSN. Have fun, girl!
And of course, anyone who wants to do this, go for it! Just let me know so I can read it.

Enjoy your day!

Jun 13, 2009

View The World Through Infertility Awareness Colored Glasses

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 13 friends have commented
**There will be children mentioned here. If you disagree with anything I say here, or think I'm saying it wrong, let me know.**

As was laying in bed last night waiting for my allergy meds to kick in and drop me into a coma, I was praying for all my ladies. I was praying for all of those that are in the 2WW, hoping and praying they get that second line and that in about 9 months they will get their bundle of joy, or joys as the case may be. I was praying for happiness, health and acceptance for my dear friends. I was praying for understanding and praying for process and procedures to be as painless as possible. It's a long list, and if my meds hadn't been interfering with my train of thought, I might have gotten through my list. Since I didn't and my mind started to wander, I started thinking about who I was when I was pregnant with Nae and who I am now. How do I view the world differently? How do I interact with people now that I'm looking at others wondering if their like me or my dear friends?

I got pregnant with Nae easily. The pregnancy was not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but getting to the positive test was easily enough. Even though, she was easily conceived, I never took her or the pregnancy for granted. I remember being at the end of my pregnancy crying and blubbering how I just wanted the pregnancy to be over. The in the next breath, I was crying because there were women out there who wanted SO badly what I was complaining about. I felt horrible for crying and throwing a fit because I was "done with all of this" and there were women out there who were crying because THEY were "done with all of this". My mom reassured me, telling me "pregnancy is difficult on the body. You've had a horrible experience. It's OK to not love the stage you're in right now." I don't remember what my response was, but I know I calmed down after that and probably ate ice cream or took a nap, or threw up.

My mom wasn't infertile, she was the opposite. She gave birth to 5 children, two of which are a year and five days apart (my lil sis and I). I do know she had a miscarriage, maybe two, but that was before she married my father. I have a feeling these miscarriages were from her ex husband hitting her, but I never asked and it's a little to late to ask now. I don't think it's right to ask my father. Plus, he might even know. I'd love to ask my mom's ex husband, but I'm sure that would cause problems and I'd rather not cause my father any more heart break then he has already suffered.

Anyway...getting off track here, sorry...Once we decided to add another child to the mix, that's when things got rough. There were miscarriages and then once we got one to stick, there was the "keep everything a secret so we could have an ACTUAL baby in July" feeling. Which sucked, because I would have liked to be blissfully ignorant during the pregnancy. There were the thoughts that crept into my brain about is it right to have our children 6 years apart? Will Nae be affected negatively for being an OLDER sister? All sorts of mind numbing thoughts, that I really had no control of. It's not like obsessing endlessly over the situation and how I felt about it, was going to change the outcome. It wouldn't matter if I worried about preterm labor, if it was going to happen it will. And it did. Thank you body!

Now that my "baby" is almost 6 and our daughter just turned 12, I look at everything so differently. I look back on our experiences and I kick myself for not going to the doctor and asking what was wrong with me. I wonder if I had gone, would they have been able to fix something and we could have had more children? Could I give the kids the sibling they've been asking for the past few months? I guess we'll never know. We're done with out family building efforts. I've come to terms that my body wasn't made for having children. It sucks, but what can I do? I'm thankful for the two pregnancies I was able to get to full term and end up with healthy babies.

Now, when I pick up Zilla or Nae from school, I look around. I look around for women who are pregnant and wonder if she is in the same situation I was in. I wonder if she intended to have her children X many years apart, or if they have another "in between" one at home? I look at the ones who have children close in ages and wonder if they've suffered a loss or are they blissfully ignorant? Do they think about the woman who can't get pregnant and have to go through procedures and such just to have a shot at what may have come so easily to them?

I talk to our neighbors, who have no children and I wonder, "why?" Of course, I don't ask, but that doesn't stop me from wondering. I wonder if I could buy her Mel's book and place it on her doorstep *anonymously* and she would cry tears of joy because someone knows AND cares or would she wonder "what the hell is IF?!"

I look around me all the time and wonder if a woman is like my bloggy friends or is she like my other friends. I am curious, not because I'm nosy, but because I have resources to help her out. I can send her over to the ALI rooms. I can offer her stories of what I've heard. I can say "hey I know what that means", but most importantly, I can offer her a place where she might not feel so alone. With wine, if needed ;o)

I know this was kind of a random post, but I couldn't stop thinking about it since I woke up this morning. Has anybody else experienced this train of thought? Am I being too overly sensitive because I'm in the ALI community? Lets discuss this!

Jun 12, 2009

I'm In This Weird Place

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 25 friends have commented
I'm finding myself in this really strange new place, as of late. It's a place I NEVER imagine myself to be in. I'm almost not wanting to say it, in case it goes away. Screw it! I'm going to say it anyway...I'm in a place of ACCEPTANCE! Not only that, but peace, too! It's really weird. I'm not use to it. I'm not scared, nor do I feel guilt over being here. It feels OK, right even. Also, very strange. I'm thinking about my mom, but the feeling of love and warmth of her life and my memories of her don't bring me to tears. They don't make me gasp for air, and I'm not finding my self using my deep breathing techniques to overcome the hurt and sadness. I'm FONDLY remembering her and it fills me with love and not terror. I'm not avoiding situations, nor am I making myself confront her death, I don't need to do that. I don't have to fake it. It's coming to me, naturally.

I've longed to be in this place for three years. I imagined myself here and it's nothing what I thought. I figured I'd still have to take deep breaths or maybe, I would forget what she looks like, what she smells like, she would just kind of fade to black. But it isn't like that! Not at all! It's almost as if the memories are MORE vivid. Very strange, I tell ya! *I can't bring myself to change a few words from present tense to past tense. Still working on this*

I was telling Tracy the other day, that I never really understood how cancer survivors would talk about their struggles after they've been in remission. I always accepted it and cheered them on, but I totally did.not.get.it! I always thought "why would you want to relive your worst nightmare over and over AND over again, just to help others? How can you POSSIBLY do this with THAT much energy and with a smile on your face?!" I didn't look down on them, I just didn't understand. I always thought these people were much stronger then I. I wondered what their secret was. How can THEY come back from a disease that almost took THEIR life and then talk about it, raise awareness all the while smiling and looking SO happy. Now, I totally get it! These people have reached ACCEPTANCE! They've grieved for whatever they lost and helping others try to get that place is fulfilling. Nothing will ever fill the hole that was left when my mom died, but this acceptance thing surrounds the hole with warmth and light. The hole in my soul isn't as dark as it was before. It's not as deep as it was before. It's still there, and it will always be there, but right now, it isn't a scary place to be. A very new and strange feeling for me, but not scary.

I can talk about my experience with grief and give advice, when asked, because I went down that road. I can shout it from the rooftops that running away will NOT help! Grief isn't always about losing some ONE. It could be losing who you were before. Or who you thought you were going to be. It's all the same steps, but the situations are different. The steps "stages"? Those really pissed me off. I know the 5 stages of grief are just guidelines and everyone is different, but to put those guidelines on someone is not fair at all.

I remember looking at those stages over and over again, over analyzing my feelings wondering what "stage" I'm in. Am I in "the angry" stage? Am I in "the it didn't happen, so lets not talk about it" stage? Those damn stages probably did me more harm then good. I know I went through them, but I don't want my feelings to be labeled as a stage. Why can't I just be angry because my mom is dead and shouldn't be? Why can't I just pretend it didn't happen because the reality is just to painful right now? Let me do this grief thing at my own pace. Granted three years is a little much, but that's what I did. That's what worked for ME.

I am able to reach out to others who have suffered a loss or to someone who is grieving. I want to reach out. I want to help out. I want to spare someone the pain of this LONG unneeded road I traveled. If they aren't ready to listen to my advice or my experience then I can say "I know" because I really do! The feeling of loss, no matter what the loss was/is, it feels HORRIBLE! You feel alone when your in a crowded room. You feel as if nobody understands you when you shrug your shoulders and say "I don't know. I'm just sad". You feel as if nobody cares because they stopped asking "how are you doing?" The you get SO pissed off when they DO ask. You want to scream "How the hell do you THINK I'm doing. My mom is dead!" OK that last part was my situation. Seriously, my head was not a fun place to be. It's really to bad that my facial expressions reveal whatever I'm thinking because I might have gotten away with a lot of internal screaming otherwise. Oh and when your not use to wearing eye glasses, only sunglasses, don't roll your eyes at people. They CAN SEE IT! OOPS!

I don't know where this road will lead me to, nor do I know how long I'll be in this place for, but right now. I'm OK with it. I'm sure my Purple Gorilla will come see me, but I have this feeling that I'll be able to get to know her A LOT better, in a good way.

So, if by chance, I talk to you via email, twitter, your blog, or in person and you're going through some major shit and I'm offering you support, it's because I care. It's because helping you, helps me and I want to help you. I want you to get to this place. I want you to join me in this place, it really isn't as scary as I thought it was. I can't promise you that you'll feel the same way I do, or your experiences will mirror mine, but I can promise you, it's a HELL of a lot better then being in the dark forest of grief. Cross my heart!

~~~~Geek By Marriage gave my blog a makeover! Isn't it SO pretty and AMAZING?! She surprised me with it *awwww* She did a great job! Thank you Heather, you rock!~~~~

Jun 11, 2009

Show and Tell: Can Someone Tell Me What THIS Is?!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 26 friends have commented
Before ya'll start laughing at me, I know I have a black thumb. I've been known to plant a few bulbs and water them and have them produce flowers, but in general, I fail at plant life.

I do have a plant that my mom gave me a LONG time ago, that I've managed to keep alive. It's actually really easy, because every time it looks like it's about ready to die, I pick off a stem, toss it in a glass vase filled with water and wait for it to root. Then, I simply replant it and VIOLA it's alive again.

I've kept a few rose bushes alive before we moved, but I can't take credit for those because they were already there. All I did was weed, water and feed them. I did actually plant some irises a few weeks ago and THEY ARE SPROUTING! I didn't expect them to come until NEXT year, but my MIL said they'll grow all summer long. Huh? Who knew? Not I, that's for sure!

Anyway, when my dad was here he bought me a rose. Awww he's so sweet! I put it in a vase with the aloe plant I almost killed and the rose died. Not right away or anything, it stayed alive for the correct amount of time. When I took it out, I notice the "branch" that came with the rose was rooting, in the water! So I took the rose and baby's breath out *WEIRD name for a flower* and left the branch in there. The thing is TAKING off! It started sprouting new, pretty green leaves and the roots are going crazy in the water. The only problem is, I have NO idea what the heck this thing is! My MIL said it was a curly maple(?) Uhhh I have no idea what that is. Husband acted like he knew what that was and said "yeah, when the roots get big enough, we'll plant in the ground". When I asked him what he thought it might be, he shrugged his shoulders and said "I dunno, babe". So him knowing what his mom was talking about, took me by surprise, but whatever. He's a jerk and I will make him pay for making look like an idiot. Even though, that's not very hard to do ;o)

So if anybody knows what this thing is, can you please let me in on the secret? Kristin? Sunflowerchilde? Katie? Anyone? Please help!

Slip on over to Mel's site *coughboobiescough* and see what the rest of the class is showing!


Jun 7, 2009

Lots To Say

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 21 friends have commented
I want to say a few things about Dr. Tiller. I've read a few blogs and articles about what happened to him and how his death and life affected these woman's lives. I don't agree with how he was killed. Frankly, I think it's horrible. It makes no sense whatsoever! I don't understand how people think that killing this man was a good idea. Yes, he performed late term abortions, but the people who protested what he did, did they do ANY research? Did they read ANY articles where he made sure it was for a MEDICAL cause and not "just because"? Do they know that he has a family and friends that care about him? Will it make their argument for banning late term abortions suddenly OK because they did "their job"? I honestly can NOT wrap my brain around it. I just do not understand, plain and simple.

I can see how someone doesn't agree with what he did for a living, but killing him? How does that make ANY sense? Although, if I did agree with the people who are OK with his death, then I suppose I wouldn't be questioning it and would be crazy *totally my opinion* as well? I can understand how one might not agree with abortion. I've never been in a position where I had to make a decision like that. But am I thankful I have the choice? HELL YEAH I am! Am I thankful that Kristin had the choice to make, as well as Cecily Of course I am!

Two people, that I know of, in my personal life have had abortions. While, I may not agree with their reasons, that doesn't mean I am going to judge them for it. It's not my place to say it's the right choice or it's the wrong choice. Why? BECAUSE I AM NOT THEM! I have always said "I may not agree with your choice, but I will always support you in it" to all my friends and family. While I didn't understand my friend's reason for her abortion, I was still at her side while she took those pills and helped her through all of it. She cried and cried, not for her, but for me. She looked into my eyes and said "I am making the choice to do this, you didn't have a choice when you had your miscarriages. I can't believe you're here helping me and taking care of me". I didn't even think about it like that. Not once was I resentful toward her for doing something voluntarily, that my body did involuntarily. It wasn't about that. It was about this was her choice to make, she needs to live with this choice for the rest of her life. Will me looking down my nose at her, make a difference? Will she decide not to take those pills because I disagree with it? No! Just because I may not have made that decision, who's to say that someday I might HAVE to make that decision? Life is funny that way. Things always have a way coming back to biting you in the ass. If me being by her side made her feel a little bit better about the choice she felt she HAD to make, then I'm willing to do because I love her. She is my best friend and I will love her until the day that I die. I am pro-choice and damn proud of it! I don't want to ever see the day where I don't have a choice. I don't ever want to hear about an "back alley" abortion gone wrong, and a woman lost her life. I feel it's senseless.
*stepping down off my soap box*

Another thing that's been on my mind is discrimination. Not race discrimination, but how people look at others. I've been discriminated against a lot of my life, especially my adult life. When I walk into a place, I get looked up and down and then people turn their noses up at me. Why? Because I am "skinny and pretty" their words NOT mine.

One of my very good friends is overweight. When I first met her, I didn't look at her as "the fat girl" in the room. I looked at her as a woman *girl* who was funny, looked like she was having a great time and I really wanted to get to know her. But how did she look at me? She was a complete and total bitch to me and my friend. Why? Because we were "skinny and pretty" and our lives were SO much better then hers because of it. She literally turned her back on us when we went over there to talk to them. This wasn't the first time it has happened and it wasn't the last.

I've always been a kind person. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect and I can be a HUGE bitch. But it takes A LOT for me to get there. I give people the benefit of the doubt, when I first meet them. Even if I've heard the opposite. When someone has wronged me, I'll give them a few chances. If they continue to do it, I won't cut them out of my life, I'll just distance myself from them.

I am and always will be a Pollyanna. I will always see rainbows and sunshine and vomit happiness all over everyone and everything. There is ALWAYS a silver lining and I can always put a positive spin on it. Does it bother me that I try to put on a good first impression and I get that I'm a snob? Very much so! Can I change people's minds? Sadly, no I can't. All I can do is give them the opportunity to get to know me and know that I'm not a snob, nor am I bitch. My life is not perfect because I am "skinny and pretty". Nor am I perfect.

The grass is not always greener on the other side. Don't judge a book by it's cover. Dig deeper and you will find a diamond in the rough. All those cliches are true for a reason.

I will never understand closed minded people and I will never understand discrimination. These are facts I've come to terms with. All I can do is be the best Beautiful Mess I can be. If that means people judging me for what I look like, then so be it. If people choose to get to know me, they will find a very caring person who doesn't judge on looks alone. And that, my friends, is something that my parents instilled in me. Something, I am eternally grateful for.

Jun 3, 2009

I Might Regret this In The Morning....

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 17 friends have commented
My dad. I love that man! He has done SO much for my older sister, (who isn't his BIOLOGICAL child, but was treated like she was) my younger sister, and myself. It seems like right now, when he can't do many things for himself due to being BLIND and UNABLE to drive, is when my little sis decides she can't take care of herself. Oh I'm SUPER pissed off right now!

When my mom and dad met, my mom was in an abusive marriage and my dad helped her out and they were married. When she was married to Jerk Face they had 4 kids. One from Jerk Face's previous relationship, but my mom took care of her. No big deal. They went on to have a girl, a boy, and another girl. All of whom live in California and are EXTREMELY fucked up. Drugs, jail, children having children, THOSE children doing drugs, it's a mess. I'm thankful I don't see them a lot. And frankly, I'm really glad they all live in California and don't come this way.

So my dad took in my mom's children and then they had two of their own (my lil sis and myself). My lil sis and I were very spoiled. Not by material things, but we were loved and treated well. The other children didn't like this because they thought they were being treated differently. If they were, it was because they were A LOT older then my lil sis and I.

When my dad lost his eyesight due to his diabetes about 10 years or so, ago it was hard for the family. It was hard for him, as well. He had to quit his job, that he LOVED and go on disability and my mom went to work. I can only imagine my dad having a lot of guilt over all of this because this was the beginning of the end of my mom's life. She was working in a nursing home and that's where she contracted Legionnaire's Disease and had her first strokes. If she hadn't of had those strokes her immune system might not have been compromised and she might have been able to fight off the cancer that ended up taking her life. Obviously, we'll never know.

When my mom had her first strokes, Husband and I started looking for a house big enough to have them live with us. I was going to quit my job and take care of my parents full time. We talked to them about it and they said no because my lil sis and her boyfriend at the time needed to move in with them and they promised them they could. I was PISSED off! I knew my sister was working full time and her boyfriend at the time wasn't going to help my parents around the house and if/when he got a job, their kids would be life with my parents. One of whom was BLIND and the other in a God damn wheelchair! It would be comical if it wasn't true. But it was true, so it wasn't funny. I begged my parents to reconsider, but they felt that they couldn't. My lil sis and her boyfriend at the time and their two kids moved in with my parents. it ended up not being as horrible as I imagined it, but it wasn't perfect either. I felt they weren't taking care of our parents and our parents were taking care of them. I pitched many fits, but never got my way. We visited as much as we could, but they lived in Washington State at the time and we were in Oregon. It just wasn't enough. I spent weekends up there cooking and cleaning for them and doing what I felt was needed. All the while throwing an internal hissy fit because this isn't the way it was suppose to go.

When my mom died, my older sis got SO upset that she had to move to Cali to be with her dad and her sisters and brother. I was glad to see her go, so she wouldn't be stealing from my dad anymore and my dad wouldn't have to worry about her not coming home at night or if she was dead. The my lil sis, her boyfriend at the time, and their kids moved to Sisters. My dad was all alone up in Washington. Once again, I BEGGED him to move in with us. Once again, we looked at houses. We looked at a great house to buy right after my mom died and lil sis moved, and were THISCLOSE to going through with it. It wasn't perfect, but it was doable. We approached my dad and he said no because he was moving to Sisters in case lil sis needed help. WHAT?! She is a grown woman, if she needs someone to watch her kids, LET HER PAY FOR IT! He didn't listen (stubborn much) and moved to Sisters *sigh*

It has been one drama after another since he's moved there. Lil sis left her boyfriend and met another one. He was a great guy in the beginning, but now he's a total asshole. He barley goes to work and does NOTHING for my dad when is asked. For example; my dad asked him to help him move a fridge from the place he got it to his house. Like 2 blocks away. Asshole said "yeah I'll be there in a few hours". He never showed up :-| He put my dad on his cell phone plan, asshole didn't pay the bill and my dad was left without a phone for MONTHS!

Today, my dad had to go to Portland for an appointment and he got the day wrong. The appointment is next week. That sucks, but what can ya do? So he goes back home, a 3 hour bus ride, calls lil sis to have someone pick him up in Bend (30 minutes away from Sisters) nobody could do it! Asshole couldn't be bothered to drive the 30 minutes. Old boyfriend's parents couldn't watch the kids so lil sis could do it because "other people have lives, ya know" so he had to wait in Bend, in the heat for lil sis to get there. Then he was told that old boyfriend got his mail and his insulin was in there but forgot to give it to my dad and it wasn't refrigerated. After being told many times to NOT pick up my dad's mail because of the medication! Old boyfriend got all pissy and told lil sis he didn't see what the big deal was. REALLY?! You don't see what the big deal is?! Yes, it's not THAT big of a deal that my dad DOESN'T get his medication and he goes into a diabetic coma! For the love of God and everything that is holy! The man needs his God damn medicine!

Clearly I'm furious and I just want to kidnap my dad and make him live here with me. Live here where I can cook for him, do his laundry, make sure he gets to his doctor's appointments on the RIGHT day, doesn't have to worry about waking up at 4am to get to the bus stop on time, and just be taken care of. He is a widow, he doesn't need to take care of my lil sis, her old boyfriend, her current one and HER KIDS. It's not his problem, it should be HERS! He should be living the rest of his life without the stress of raising his GROWN daughter.

I don't know all sides of everything because I NEVER talk to old and current boyfriend and I don't talk to my lil sis about this. I'm afraid if I did talk to her, I would go OFF on her and it would ruin our relationship. All I can do is plead with my dad to move or vent to all of you and my husband.

UHG I'm so upset! Damn stubborn old man! I love him to death, but I just wish he would live with me *SIIIIGH*

Jun 2, 2009

What Would You Do? *Children Mentioned*

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 25 friends have commented
Saturday we had my BFF here, along with her three kids and her boyfriend. It's usually crazy when her kids are here with them, but normally I'm able to handle it. Although this time, they brought along a friend. A friend whom I've met before, didn't care for so much, but she's a child and who am I to turn away a child from my home.

Here's a bit of a back story on the whole friendship/relationship we have with their family. We met when her daughters were two years and 3 months, Nae was 6 months. We were moving into an apartment and they lived across the way. Our two families became fast friends. That was almost 13 years ago. A lot has happened in that 13 years. She became pregnant, I had a miscarriage, she gave birth, I did not. I had another miscarriage and she and her husband decided they were done having more children. I finally got pregnant and STAYED pregnant and had Zilla. She was a great source of support for me, Husband and Nae while I was pregnant with Zilla. She rescued Nae from the hormonal mess I was, many times.

When Zilla was around 2, little younger, we all decided to move in together. It worked out really well, surprisingly enough. We all shared chores, saved some money and I got to live with my BFF. It wasn't perfect ALL the time, but on the whole it was a really good experience. I don't regret doing it. Things got rocky between the two of them and they ended up getting a separation and then a divorce. This was a very rough time for all of us. Although, I was very happy that I could be there for the children because those kids needed a stable "mom" figure.

Long story, short..well not so long. The girls ended up not liking me so much and started acting out. They stopped listening to me, which made it really difficult to be responsible for them when their parents were at work. I had the responsibility of mom and dad, but got no respect from the children and no back up from their father. It was a very stressful time in all of our lives. Then we moved out and the two families became two ACTUAL separate families. It was a bit sad, because I was really worried about the children. I thought for sure they were going to fail in school or get into a rough crowed, or any number of things that children can do when they aren't being supervised. Even though I was worried about them, I couldn't do anything about it. Yes, I loved these three children like my own, but they are NOT my children and their father needed to raise them. I'm not his wife, he can't always fall back onto me when raising his children. So, we did a lot of separating. Mostly me, I had to disconnect emotionally from them. I needed to be their Aunty D and not their Mommy D.

As time has gone, the girls (11 and 13) now are hanging out with some kids, I'd rather not have Nae hang out with. They talk about things Nae doesn't talk about. I'm not naive and I know that Nae isn't innocent, but she isn't into all the things they are into..yet. Hopefully she won't be for a LONG time. Nae knows about boys and has had a boyfriend *cringes* but she doesn't talk about kissing boys and she sure as shit doesn't talk about drinking and smoking.

When the other kids were here and their friend, there were some conversations going on that I did not approve of. Not with 11,12, and 13 year old girls. The friend was talking about how she asked her mom how she was conceived and apparently her mom didn't want to talk about it so the girl assumed she was a "rape baby". She actually said those words! In a grocery store, no less! I don't know this girl very well, I've met her all of two times, including this time. I felt like I was stuck. There were three of Nae's peers in a grocery store with me and BFF and one of them was talking COMPLETELY inappropriately and the other two were doing things that I thought were inappropriate. Like putting cantaloupes in their shirts asking if we thought they had "nice melons". I didn't want to embarrass Nae, but I had to do something to keep her away from these girls. So, I just ushered her away from them and we went to the checkout stand. The rest of the afternoon, Nae was my little shadow. Both because she wanted to be and because I wanted her to stay away from those girls.

When we got home from the grocery store, I talked to Husband and told him what happened and we agreed that, that child is not welcome in our home anymore. Nae told Husband a few things that had been said at the grocery store and it sounded like she disapproved of the girls, as well. I know that Nae isn't perfect and she has friends and I'm sure there are conversations going on at school that we, as her parents, would disapprove of, but not like what was said on Saturday.

I'm a bit of a over protective parent. When we were pregnant with Nae, my older sister was doing drugs and we had her son a lot. My parents and I basically raised my nephew because my older sis couldn't and wouldn't get her shit together. We decided that we would never do that to Nae *obviously* Our theory was this child didn't ask to be born and we were going to do our best as her parents to make sure she is safe. This was after we got the news she might have a heart problem and/or be mentally retarded and then found out she was healthy. Because of that conversation and the way we chose to parent our children, they've never had a babysitter, only been in daycare if I worked there and one of us is ALWAYS home with them. We've left Nae home along MAYBE three times since we've moved, but on the whole we are always around. Since Nae has turned 12(!) we've let her have more freedom. We've allowed her to go to the park by herself with her friends and she was able to go to the beach with her friend and her friend's mom a few weekends ago.

I'm wondering what would you do in this situation? Or what you remember your parents doing when you were a pre-teen/teenager when you could be influenced by other friends. I know I can't protect Nae from everything, but I can, and will, protect my home from children like the one. Am I being a "Polly Anna" thinking that Nae doesn't know about this type of stuff? Or thinking that she isn't like those other girls? Am I/we being TOO over protective? I just don't want her to feel like she has to grow up too fast because these girls are doing things she wouldn't normally do. I'm welcoming any and all advice, suggestions, and/or anecdotes you've got. If you think I'm a smothering type mom, go ahead and tell me. I guess maybe I'm feeling a bit shaken by this weekend and the future of Nae and her friends. I just would like to know what YOU think. What YOU would do. Lay it on my peeps!

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