Jul 29, 2008

I hate curve balls

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 1 friends have commented
I love him til death do us part, but I blame him for this itch I've got. It's not one of those "I need to see a Dr." itch. It's SO much worse, in my book.

We had our daughter when we were "younger". I was 21 and he was 22 when she was born. Things weren't perfect, but we were so excited, after the shock wore off, to be parents to this child. We had many conversations about how we wanted to raise her and what we were going to do "when". Of course all those conversations fly out the window when your in THAT situation. All was well and as soon as I could get on birth control, I was going to. there was NO WAY I was going to be one of those women who had her children close together. I didn't think I would be able to handle that. Almost 2 years to the day she was born, I had a miscarriage. I was "barley" pregnant, so it wasn't as traumatic as it could have been. It was still very upsetting and it's something I will never forget. Around her 4th birthday it happened again. I was just weeks pregnant and I had another miscarriage. This one was a bit more difficult to handle. I thought it had to do with me getting Pelvic Inflammatory Disease a few years before that and went through a period of guilt. I quickly realized it wasn't my fault, these things happen. Matt and I talked and we realized we should feel very blessed to have the child we have. She's healthy, smart and if we were meant to have just one child, then this one wasn't so bad. After that we threw out all the birth control methods we used and weren't trying to get pregnant, but we weren't trying to NOT get pregnant either. If it happened it happened, if not, that was cool too. Then, Renee started school and Matt and I had a bit of free time on our hands. He was working nights and I'd take her to school and he and I would go to lunch or...well you get the picture. We had some spare "couple time". It was nice. Around November, I was feeling a little unwell. I went to the doctor and wouldn't ya know....I/we were pregnant. We were SO excited. Renee was going to have a sibling and I was going to be a mommy to 2 children. Maybe we were going to have another little girl, maybe not. It was the greatest gift ever.

Never once did I get that "baby itch" some women talk about. I had it when I was little. I use to dream of being a mommy to my children and I just knew I'd make a GREAT mommy. Once I had Renee, that itch never returned. Even after our miscarriages, I never really looked at another baby and yearned for one to be in my arms or growing in my body. Then Zilla came and I didn't have time to think about any type of itch that would cry or not allow me to sleep through the night. I was very content to watch our children grow into the people they will be some day. I yearn for the moment I look up and my daughter is going to prom. Of course I don't WANT her to grow up so fast, but it's going to be a joy to see these children I made grow and change and become adults.

Matt has often said "I wish we could have another one". He misses the baby stage. I told him all he sees are the big blue eyes, the chubby little hands and the toddler running around in a diaper falling down when he/she is learning how to walk. Not I! I see 9 months of sickness, I see nights of struggling to nurse this child from my breast and knowing my child won't get enough from my body to feel full. I see my social life, albeit skimpy now, go down the toilet for the next 5 years. I see what this new baby will do to mine and my family's lives.

No "itch" for YEARS..until...Matt's brother and his wife had their first baby together. We went to see the baby and yes shes cute, very cute. She's small and has a pair of lungs on her that'd make a mother start leaking even if she isn't pregnant. Matt's holding the baby and we all start talking about having more babies. They say that this one is their one and only. He says he is going to get "fixed". I high 5 them because I'm ALL for supporting their decision. My husband, not so much! He turns to his brother and tells him "think about it. You might change your mind". I am shocked, I feel betrayed..W-T-F?! So he's wishing we hadn't done the surgery because he wants another baby. Like he wants another baby for REALS, not just THINKING it would be "nice'. This is NOT the deal we made. We decided that I do not do pregnancies well and it's months of bed rest, fears of having a sick baby, and that's just when the baby is nicely tucked inside my body. Forget about clothes, diapers, wipes, doctor appointments, car seats, strollers, the financial side of it. All that stuff, that comes along with bringing another human being home.

When we got home I ask him if he really regrets me having the surgery. He said "no, it was the right decision for us because you don't do pregnancies well, but if I had to do it again, I might not pick something so permanent". Hmmmm..I'm still a bit shell shocked, but I get over it because it's not like we can go back to the doctor and ask them to put my "tubes" back in order. It can be done, yes, but it's not as easy as it sounds.

I think I'm fine with it. I think I'm dealing with this revelation just fine, that is until...I go to the E.R. and they do a pregnancy test. It came back negative and I was disappointed! ME! The woman who can barley stay pregnant, let alone GET pregnant was disappointed that the test came back negative. Now I find myself thinking "what would happen if I did get pregnant". the thought doesn't come as dread like it once did. It comes as "awww that would be fun".

I was at Hallmark the other day and I was actually looking at the "new baby" gifts. I was wishing, no not wishing, THINKING how nice it would be to buy one of those cute little piggy banks for my new baby. I don't like this. I don't like it ONE bit! I blame my husband for the itch he gave me and I wish it was as easy to get rid of this itch as it would be to get rid of another itch. I am happy with my 2 children and I know it is nearly impossible for me to get pregnant, but what if.....

Jul 24, 2008

A turning point

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 0 friends have commented
I have done a lot of thinking lately. I have done a lot of talking and TRYING to find out if I am in the wrong and if so, where did I go wrong? I feel very strongly about my feelings being hurt. I also feel very strongly that it isn't fair, but then again, that's what life is all about. I am also aware of the fact that I am partial to blame. I expected something from someone when I probably shouldn't have. No, I KNEW I shouldn't have. That's where I am to blame. Just because I treat someone a certain way and expect them to treat me as such, it won't always happen. I am going to try to not become bitter about the lesson I have learned. I am going to try to grow and learn from this and do my best to still be the person I was before. It hasn't been easy for me, especially since I wear my heart on my sleeve. I honestly do think I can't wear my heart on my sleeve, but I can be a little more cautious of whom I put trust and faith into.

The worst part of this is the guilt I feel. I don't feel guilty over anything I did in this situation, but I do feel guilty for my behavior over the last year or so. I didn't do anything bad, per se, but I did talk to friends about certain things I should have been talking to my husband about. I didn't think he wanted to hear me talk endlessly about my feelings or something boring like that. I was wrong. It may not be his favorite thing to talk or listen to about, but he won't run from the room scratching out his ears so he won't be able to hear another word. He is my partner, he is my 50/50 partner, at that. I should have put more faith in our marriage and been talking to or leaning on him a bit more for emotional help. Especially when I was going through facing my mother's death. I realize this now and I don't think any damage was done. I don't think our marriage has suffered because I wasn't talking to him about this stuff, but I see now that I should have. I am able to trust him. I am able to tell him my darkest fears and he is able to confirm them without scaring me more or making me feel stupid. I know i have always been able to trust him, there has never been a doubt in my mind about that. I know that he'll never leave me when I am in need the most, but I didn't accept that. I wasn't wanting to accept that help because I didn't want to be a burden. It's so classic of a stay at home mom. Or maybe any mother. We put our families first and do everything for them and we don't realize what we are doing. We try to make everything look and seem so effortless. When, in reality we are going CRAZY trying to do everything!

So here I am, finally feeling healthy and I'm looking back on the past 2 weeks and I realize I am not a burden. I may be the one who does the most around here, but that doesn't mean that if I get sick, I am a burden. I don't feel guilty for getting sick, I had no control over it. I feel very fortunate to have a family who rallied around me and helped me when I needed it. I am loved and not just because I can cook a good meal or do a load of laundry. I am loved because of who I am. I am the mother and wife of this family, but we are a team. I am not the coach, we are all in this together. When one of is down, we all help to pick that one back up.

Even though I would have loved to not get sick, I learned some valuable lessons. Although these lessons have been told to me a million times over, I had to learn them on my own. I am not going to say I am grateful for getting sick, because frankly, I could have done without it. What I will say is; I am grateful for my family who physically took care of me while I was sick. I am also grateful for the friends who wished me well and are still mother henning me.

I am doing well, but still taking it easy. Thank you to everyone who helped me get to where I am today.

Jul 14, 2008


Musings of A Beautiful Mess 1 friends have commented
You may no longer not take the blame for your actions. I will no longer say "Oh it's ok, you were busy", or things of that nature. I am going to train people how to treat me!

This has been a long time coming for me. I have bent, made excuses, told myself some aren't just as kind hearted as I, and so on and so forth. Well *pardon me here* but that is pure bullshit! I am pissed off, hurt, I have been betrayed and God dammit I am not holding it in any longer! No more, will I make excuses for being wronged. I will not feel guilty because I needed a friend and my "best friend" was not there and I voiced my feelings. I will no longer fight, argue, talk endlessly about it but I will not trust as freely as I once did.

The damage has been done. I am at a loss as to how to deal with this, but I will. I will pull up my boot straps, get on with my life and know that there are some in this world that will never live up to my standards. My standards aren't even that high. Like I said, it has been a long time coming. I have finally given up on the fact that my friend will change. She won't. She will be who she is and I must accept that or I must break ties. I can't change her, nor would I want to. If this is who she is, then maybe this is for the best. Maybe this is the woman she is becoming. It is a shame because she wasn't like this. All that matters is that my eyes are open now and I am willing to see the situation and act accordingly. I made a mistake by giving so many chances. I can only blame her for part of it. Now, if I let it continue, I may only blame myself. I will NOT take the blame for being a good friend to her and not getting what I want and deserve in return!

"I love you" and "you're the best friend a girl could ever want" will not fix this. If this is meant to be fixed, it will take time. A LONG time. Only time will tell me the future.

Jul 13, 2008

What a friend is...

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 0 friends have commented
A friend is someone who calls or contacts you no matter what. Doesn't have to be a phone call. It can be a text message, a myspace comment, an email, ANY number of things. A friend cares when you are unwell. A friend contacts you not only when their life is in shambles, but also when yours is. A friend is there through the good times and the bad times. A friend listens to you when you voice your concerns or fears. A friend should NOT tell you those fears are stupid or nonesense.

I have found out in the course of a week, that I don't have as many of the friend I talked about above as I once did. It shouldn't be a shock to me, but it is. I am very sick, getting over it, but am still very sick. I needed help on Thursday, asked for it and didn't get it. I am frustrated with and hurt by the ones I thought would be there for me and weren't. I am frustrated with the fact that the ones who WANTED to be there, couldn't. I am VERY thankful for the kind words and well wishes I got from a few of my friends.

I am more thankful for my husband who took me to the er, was told to go home but didn't. He sat int he waiting room for 3 hours and waited for my tests to be done. When he started to get worried because time was dragging on and on and he hadn't heard anything; he threw his "on call" phone in the car and came to see what was going on.

He took Monday and Tuesday off, helped me shower, get dressed, rubbed my head when I was in pain, fed me, remembered my meds, EVERYTHING! He was the mommy, the daddy, the aunt, the uncle, and my hero for days. When he did have to go to work, he was reluctant to leave. He called and texted me to make sure I was ok. Thursday was a bit easier but he was still very worried. Same with Friday. My own personal mother hen. The weekend has been a bit easier pain wise, excpet for the nausea.

I'm on the road to recovery. Physically and emotionally. It's never fun to be THIS sick, but it's even more difficult when you realize the ones that should have helped out, couldn't be "bothered". That's a real shame.

Jul 4, 2008

You made your bed....

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 0 friends have commented

My best friends..I love them. I truly do. Rose and I have been best friends for almost 11 years. Sarah and I have been best friends for about 2 years. As best friends, we come to each other for advice, guidance, support, to talk, or just to hang out. Me being the one who is more level headed, they come to me more often then I come to them. Of, course there are times when I do go to them, but that's not as important as the lesson they both have been learning as of late.

Rose moved out to live with her boyfriend. She quit her job, packed her things and moved 3 hours away to Tacoma. The first week was blissful and everything it was suppose to be AND more. The second week...well I knew something was up. She called me to talk and I basically told her to pull her head out of her ass and calm down. "You're the one who decided to move there. You haven't even given it a month and your already thinking it was a mistake". I didn't sugar coat it like I normally do. I was blunt. She is the one who decided to do this. She is the one who left her children, her friends, her family and everything she knew to give him her all. She needs to do just that. She can't bolt at the slightest argument between the two. She can't walk out the door or give him the silent treatment because her ego took a nose dive. "You either give him ALL of you. The good AND the bad. Or you come back. Those are your only two choices. " Things seem to be a little smoother. Her kids were up there all week, so I'm not sure how that went. I haven't had a chance to talk to her about it, but as far as I can tell, all is going well. I hope she is able to let go of her past demons and be with this man. He is a good man and I can tell he loves her and wants to open his home, heart and his life to accommodate her and her children. There aren't a lot of men out there who would be willing to do that. Not just because of the children, because of ALL of it. I hope she realizes she has not made a mistake and can open her heart to him. She mad her bed she not only has to lie in it, she also has to share it with someone else, and trust him. Not easy for a lot of people, I can imagine.

My other best friend, Sarah has made some mistakes in the past 6 months or so and is paying dearly for them at this moment. It's sad to watch her go through this, it's even more sad because I don't think she knows why. I didn't say anything to her because I'm not sure if I am correct and if I am, I don't think it's my place. It might be one of those life lessons you need to learn on your own. She might take it badly if I say whats going on to her instead of her finding out on her own.

She got a job months ago and became involved with her boss, romantically. I didn't think this was a good idea because this person was her boss and that can only lead to problems..and it did. I told her as much, but she did her own thing. Which is fine. Her life her choice. When things started to go badly between the two of them, Sarah thought spending ALL of her time with this person would fix the problems. She stopped hanging out with her family and her firnds and spent every moment with this person. When her friends and family would say something, Sarah would realize what she was doing and start hanging out with everyone else again. Then her other friend would get upset and jealous and start saying unkind things about everyone. I am not sure what was said about anyone else specifically, but I know for a fact this person did and does not like me at all. This person doesn't like the closeness that Sarah and I share as friends.

A few times Sarah went days without talking to me because of this person. She was SO wrapped up in this person that nothing else mattered. Even her best friends. This is one of the reasons Rose and Sarah drifted apart. It isn't all Sarah's fault that the two of them drifted apart, there were actions on both sides that can't be mended. They are friends, just not as close as they use to be, but that happens.

Now, a few months later, Sarah and this person arent' as close as they once were. Unfortantly this person still has some kind of power over Sarah and she sometimes gets too wrapped up in her. Not as bad as it once was, but it still happens. All of Sarah's family and friends know this. We all know that as soon as this person calls, Sarah will take the call and not talk to whomever she is with for at least an hour. We also know that if Sarah doesn't answer her phone, she is with this person. The damage has been done, it;s really too bad, but it's true. Sarah made her bed and now she has to lie in it. A lot of her friends don't want to hang out with her anymore because we all got use to not having Sarah around and we're a bit weary that it'll all go back to what it was before. I shouldn't speak for everyone else, so I'll just say that I am weary. I want to hang out with Sarah as much as we did before, but that isn't possible because of her past actions.

Today for instance, she came over for a little bit all sad because she didn't have anyone to hang out with. Her friend is out of town and everyone else had plans. On one hand I feel bad for her, but ont he otherI don't. She did this to herself. She excluded herself from everyone to hang out with her friend. Now that her friend isn't around, she wants to make time for us. Thats not very cool.

Jul 3, 2008

I'm a tree hugger

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We had Earth day this year but we also had Earth Month. This was an exciting thing for me. I am very conscious of recycling, not wasting water, food, tress, everything. I don't like to waste and I LOVE to recycle. I do my best to buy products that are made from recycled materials and products that can be recycled. I don't like to throw away plastic because I have read that it takes 50 years to degrade. That's a LONG time. I don't like to kill bugs, because everything is on this planet for a reason. I'm sure I take it to a level a lot of people think I'm crazy for, but it's who I am. I am allergic to bees but I don't hate them. I don't freak out when one gets near me. I don't like to kill spiders, nor do I freak out when I see one. I like nature and all the things that come along with it. Of course there are creatures I could do without, but they deserve to be here just as much as I do.

OK, so I felt this way up until yesterday when I looked at my roses and they were diseased and eaten up...by SPIDERS! The creature I don't freak out on when I see. The creature I capture in a jar and set it outside when I see one in our home. The creature I have spent my life defending to others by asking them not to kill a spider. "It's so tiny, why kill it?" So this is the thanks I get for all the hard work I have put in telling others not to kill this creature?! Yes, I am aware that spiders aren't going to stay away from my roses because I don't kill their fellow mates, but NOT MY ROSES!!!

I worked hard last year bringing those roses back to life. I watered them, fed them, weeded them, spent MANY hours tending to them. I enjoyed it. I had a good time. So when I went out there yesterday and saw half my roses dead, I was MAD. I neglected them a bit during the winter months and the weeds got them. I weeded them again, watered them and then to find them dying from SPIDERS...uuuhhgggg

So today I did something I didn't think I would ever do....I got some insect killer and sprayed my roses and didn't feel one ounce of remorse. I want big beautiful blooms on my rose bushes, not the ones I have right now. I am on a crusade. I am going to bring my roses back to life and if a few spiders, ants, or any type of insect that likes to eat my roses die, then so be it. Ya'll should have left my flowers alone, DAMMIT!

Insects beware of the lady in the bikini top, pink breast cancer gloves, who's jammin to her ipod 'cause I will get you. Mark my words!

Jul 2, 2008

Giving it to God

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 0 friends have commented
We all have situations in our lives that we just can't do anything about. We can't change the outcome, no matter how BADLY we want too. There are certain situations you can change. For instance, you buy a dress you just can't live without. You get home and you realize you can, in fact live without it. You could have used the money toward something useful like pay a bill or something "responsible" like that. You return the dress, feeling a mix of emotions, but still knowing it's the right choice to take the dress back.

In regards to my last post about being a woman and how complicated it is, I have decided to give it to God. There is not a damn thing I can do about what is going on with my body. I can go to the doctor, yes. I can treat my body kindly. I can put healthy foods in it, instead of junk. I can exercise more often. Both of which I do. Not as much as I could or should, but I don't do drugs or weigh 600 pounds or anything like that. So instead of thinking the worst and stressing out about it, I have decided to actually take the advice I was given and RELAX!

If the worst happens and I do have cancer *my biggest fear*, I'll deal with it then. me stressing out about it now, isn't going to make the cancer go away. If it's something less serious like, early menopause *cringes*, then I'll embrace it! Either way, me thinking about it non-stop and wondering what it could be and driving myself crazy by researching online, isn't going to change anything. It'll most likely, make it worse. I will just give it ALL to God and know that I can handle anything that's thrown in my path. I won't freak out over the slightest change in my body, I will just take a deep breath, shrug my shoulders and say "who knows". I will let the cards fall where they may. Like my smart husband has been telling me, RELAX!!!!

Jul 1, 2008

Why is being a woman so damn complicated?!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 0 friends have commented
When we are little we watch our mothers or the "mother figures" in our lives. We watch them put on make up, get dressed, all of it. We look up to them. We want to be like them. I remember watching my mom putting Oil of Olay on her face and going into the bathroom and putting soap on my face and walking up to her saying "look I'm doing what your are". Only I wasn't...it was soap, not lotion. She helped me wash it off and put some of HER lotion on my face. I smelled like my mom! It was GREAT! I felt like such a big kid. Pretty sure I was strutting around the house like a hot shot with moisturizer on my face that nobody could see, but I MADE them look anyhow. Then, when I became a "woman" she showed me how to use a pad and how to clean myself proplerly during that time of the month. It was all fairly easy. As easy as that time of the month could possible be! I never had terrible cramps, or any of the horror stories we ALL hear about. Up until I had my children! It ALL went down hill from there.

I had my daughter at a young age and it wasn't fun. I don't do pregnancies well. My body doesn't like it. I was sick at all hours of the day, I went into pre-term labor many times, I spent days in the hospital trying to get the contractions under control, blah blah blah. It wasn't a lot of fun. Same with my son. No fun..no more babies for me and I am OK with that!

Well now that I am done with that part of my womanhood, my monthly curse is just that, a horrible, terrible curse! Full of pms rages, tantrums, feelings of unfairness, anger at dealing with it every month, sick of the pain, sick of feeling ugly, fat, just plain sick of it!

June I had my *I will be nice here and use nice words, even though I do not feel like it* monthly visitor. It went like it has gone for years. The cramps, the back ache, the tiredness, the ugly feeling, and yes, the bleeding. It wasn't anything to think twice about. Other then to hate every day of it! It was a bit short, but hey who would complain about THAT? Not I, that's for sure. I thought it was a bit odd, but hey, maybe I was getting a break. HA, yeah right!

2 weeks later, I do it again. WHAT?! No fair! I already did this one time this month. I shouldn't have to do it AGAIN. I already came to terms with it one time a month, not 2 times. I grumble a bit about it, but I just think things are fouled up because Rose is no longer living with us. My hormones are adjusting to not living with another woman. No big deal, right? WRONG! Well maybe not wrong per se, but not all together correct, either.

After OVER a week, yes a full week. I check online for some answers. I got some. Some of the answers were informational, others scared the shit out of me! The majority of the things I read sounded about right. My hormones are all confused and didn't get "the job" done right the first time. I still don't see how I am being punished for this "mishap", but I digress. Bitching about it won't change it, so I'll just go with the flow *BAD pun FULLY intended* So I decide to wait it out and see what happens. Day 10, yes 10 days of this, I decide to talk to someone about it. I talk to the one person who usually talks me off the ledge and tells me to calm down and not freak out. She didn't do that this time. She told me to go to the doc. "Hey now, missy! You are not suppose to be me in this situation, you're suppose to be YOU. What's with this wisdom that your spewing? I don't love it so stop it right this minute!" Well she didn't. She just kept on being logical and wisdom-y. Stupid woman. I will admit she did give me a few good tid bits of advice. Which is rare for her, but she did it. So I take her advice and talk to Matt. He isn't dumb, he knows I have been on my period for, what feels like, the last eleventy billion days, but he doesn't know what I'm worried about. He doesn't know that I've been thinking "CANCER" for the past few days. So I tell him I'm going to go to the doc in a few days if this keeps up. He, of ALL people, talks me off the ledge. He tells me to calm down, and if there's no pain or abnormal amount of blood, then calm the hell down! Ok, I will. SO that's what I'm doing. I am going to calm the hell down and if it gets worse or anything abnormal happens, THAT'S when I will stress out about it and run to the doc screaming "CANCER"!!!!!


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