Jul 29, 2008

I hate curve balls

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
I love him til death do us part, but I blame him for this itch I've got. It's not one of those "I need to see a Dr." itch. It's SO much worse, in my book.

We had our daughter when we were "younger". I was 21 and he was 22 when she was born. Things weren't perfect, but we were so excited, after the shock wore off, to be parents to this child. We had many conversations about how we wanted to raise her and what we were going to do "when". Of course all those conversations fly out the window when your in THAT situation. All was well and as soon as I could get on birth control, I was going to. there was NO WAY I was going to be one of those women who had her children close together. I didn't think I would be able to handle that. Almost 2 years to the day she was born, I had a miscarriage. I was "barley" pregnant, so it wasn't as traumatic as it could have been. It was still very upsetting and it's something I will never forget. Around her 4th birthday it happened again. I was just weeks pregnant and I had another miscarriage. This one was a bit more difficult to handle. I thought it had to do with me getting Pelvic Inflammatory Disease a few years before that and went through a period of guilt. I quickly realized it wasn't my fault, these things happen. Matt and I talked and we realized we should feel very blessed to have the child we have. She's healthy, smart and if we were meant to have just one child, then this one wasn't so bad. After that we threw out all the birth control methods we used and weren't trying to get pregnant, but we weren't trying to NOT get pregnant either. If it happened it happened, if not, that was cool too. Then, Renee started school and Matt and I had a bit of free time on our hands. He was working nights and I'd take her to school and he and I would go to lunch or...well you get the picture. We had some spare "couple time". It was nice. Around November, I was feeling a little unwell. I went to the doctor and wouldn't ya know....I/we were pregnant. We were SO excited. Renee was going to have a sibling and I was going to be a mommy to 2 children. Maybe we were going to have another little girl, maybe not. It was the greatest gift ever.

Never once did I get that "baby itch" some women talk about. I had it when I was little. I use to dream of being a mommy to my children and I just knew I'd make a GREAT mommy. Once I had Renee, that itch never returned. Even after our miscarriages, I never really looked at another baby and yearned for one to be in my arms or growing in my body. Then Zilla came and I didn't have time to think about any type of itch that would cry or not allow me to sleep through the night. I was very content to watch our children grow into the people they will be some day. I yearn for the moment I look up and my daughter is going to prom. Of course I don't WANT her to grow up so fast, but it's going to be a joy to see these children I made grow and change and become adults.

Matt has often said "I wish we could have another one". He misses the baby stage. I told him all he sees are the big blue eyes, the chubby little hands and the toddler running around in a diaper falling down when he/she is learning how to walk. Not I! I see 9 months of sickness, I see nights of struggling to nurse this child from my breast and knowing my child won't get enough from my body to feel full. I see my social life, albeit skimpy now, go down the toilet for the next 5 years. I see what this new baby will do to mine and my family's lives.

No "itch" for YEARS..until...Matt's brother and his wife had their first baby together. We went to see the baby and yes shes cute, very cute. She's small and has a pair of lungs on her that'd make a mother start leaking even if she isn't pregnant. Matt's holding the baby and we all start talking about having more babies. They say that this one is their one and only. He says he is going to get "fixed". I high 5 them because I'm ALL for supporting their decision. My husband, not so much! He turns to his brother and tells him "think about it. You might change your mind". I am shocked, I feel betrayed..W-T-F?! So he's wishing we hadn't done the surgery because he wants another baby. Like he wants another baby for REALS, not just THINKING it would be "nice'. This is NOT the deal we made. We decided that I do not do pregnancies well and it's months of bed rest, fears of having a sick baby, and that's just when the baby is nicely tucked inside my body. Forget about clothes, diapers, wipes, doctor appointments, car seats, strollers, the financial side of it. All that stuff, that comes along with bringing another human being home.

When we got home I ask him if he really regrets me having the surgery. He said "no, it was the right decision for us because you don't do pregnancies well, but if I had to do it again, I might not pick something so permanent". Hmmmm..I'm still a bit shell shocked, but I get over it because it's not like we can go back to the doctor and ask them to put my "tubes" back in order. It can be done, yes, but it's not as easy as it sounds.

I think I'm fine with it. I think I'm dealing with this revelation just fine, that is until...I go to the E.R. and they do a pregnancy test. It came back negative and I was disappointed! ME! The woman who can barley stay pregnant, let alone GET pregnant was disappointed that the test came back negative. Now I find myself thinking "what would happen if I did get pregnant". the thought doesn't come as dread like it once did. It comes as "awww that would be fun".

I was at Hallmark the other day and I was actually looking at the "new baby" gifts. I was wishing, no not wishing, THINKING how nice it would be to buy one of those cute little piggy banks for my new baby. I don't like this. I don't like it ONE bit! I blame my husband for the itch he gave me and I wish it was as easy to get rid of this itch as it would be to get rid of another itch. I am happy with my 2 children and I know it is nearly impossible for me to get pregnant, but what if.....

1 friends have commented:

Cassandra on August 24, 2008 at 10:19 AM said...

Here from ICLW...
Although I agree with your supportive attitude toward your BIL's choices, I actually have to side with your husband on this one. I know several couples IRL, including some in my extended family, who had vasectomies thinking that it was the only way they would ever feel, and then regretted that decision later when they had to have reversals and TTC was difficult or impossible.

I'm very much an advocate of deliberate family planning, but that goes both ways -- planning when to conceive and when not to conceive. The problem is, plans don't always work! Certainly my last 6.5 years of infertility attests to that. But I think that if your BIL does change his mind later and choose to try for a second child, it would be helpful if he doesn't have to go through the expense, trouble, pain, and potential impossibility of a reversal.

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