Dec 29, 2009

A Little History

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 16 friends have commented
When we found out I was pregnant with Nae, it was both a shock and a surprise. We weren't trying, but we weren't NOT trying, either. We had been together for four years at that point and never got pregnant. I hadn't been on the pill much because it made me BAT SHIT CRAZY! And I'm allergic to latex condoms. So we were huge fans of the pull out method. Although, not EVERY TIME. Anyway, so when we got pregnant it wasn't a HUGE surprise. We still looked at it as a gift and did everything in our power to accept this gift and not take it for granted. We had many conversations on how we wanted to raise this child and how we DIDN'T want to raise this child. We may have taken it too far in some people's eyes, but this is OUR child, not theirs. So if we gave up get-togethers because we didn't have a sitter, then that's what had to be done. That was almost 13 years ago and to date, Nae has had MAYBE 10 babysitters in her life and two of them were NOT family members.

Then we decided for number two. That didn't happen the way we planned, WEIRD! But when it did, we were cautiously over joyed! We chose to raise Zilla the same way we chose to raise Nae. No babysitters if we could help it. Not that we didn't trust babysitters or we think it's bad to get a babysitter, we just felt we didn't need to. We were a little bit relaxed with him and let my BIL take both of the kids over night for New Year's Eve when Zilla was 5 months old. The Universe let us know how much of a bad idea this was because we woke up the next morning with A LOT of snow on the ground. Panic ensued and we got both of then home in one piece.

Overprotective might be a bit of an understatement when it comes to how we've chosen to parent, but we do have good reason. And here is where the moment our lives could have changed forever happened. I looked through my archives and I don't think I've told this story before, so I'll tell it now. It has a happy ending, thank Goddess, but it wasn't one of my proud parenting moments. This is also why I freaked out so much when I saw Zilla by the parking lot at school.
That picture could have been the last picture I had taken of Zilla. We were at a school carnival at Nae's school. We've been to this school SO many times, everyone knew us and him. We use to joke that he was the mascot because he had been there more then some of the teachers. We first started going there when he was about a year and a half to volunteer in Nae's classroom. He was in his stroller and would take his naps in there while I did my work. It wasn't a new environment to him at all. Which is probably why the day ended as well as it did.

He was going through a bounce house/obstacle course thing. He had done it many time before the last time without incident. He took off his shoes and I watched him go through the difficult part. I then told him that I was going to get his shoes and to meet me at the end. It took all of TWO SECONDS, that he was out of my sight. I went back to the end of the bounce house and he was GONE! I waited for him to come out, thinking he climbed back up the slide for another round, but no he didn't.

I walked to the front of the thing and asked the woman running it if he had come out there, he didn't. I told Nae to go check the playground and see if he was there. He was wearing a bright orange shirt, so he wouldn't have been THAT hard to spot. Except there were like eleventy billion other little boys wearing an orange shirt that day, too. Nae and her friends were looking all over the playground for him, coming back to me and telling me they hadn't found him. I was doing my best NOT to panic.

I ran through the gym to the school building thinking he might have wondered off to Nae's classroom for candy or whatever little treats her teacher had in there. Her teacher and another gal saw the look on my face and asked me what was wrong. I wasn't panicking until THAT moment. Until the words "I can't find Zilla" came out of my mouth. All the teachers and the principal scattered in different directions to search for him, but nobody found him. It was probably 5 MAYBE 10 minutes we were looking for him, but it felt like HOURS. My phone rang and I answered it, it was Peaches telling me Zilla was home. We lived two blocks from the school and when he couldn't find me he WALKED HOME! That's when I lost it. My knees buckled and I dropped to the floor crying thinking about what could have been. Nae's teacher found me, picked me up and helped me get it together. I grabbed Nae and we ran home.

As soon as I walked in the door and saw my baby sitting on the couch with tears on his cheeks, I lost it again. I grabbed him and just held him and cried. He was safe, scared but safe. When I asked him what happened his simple 3 year old answer was "I couldn't find you. I lost you, so I came home". I'm glad he knew his way home, obviously, but thinking about him crossing two streets, barefoot, makes me sick to my stomach still.

That day is still very fresh in my mind. Every time I think about it, I get so scared. So that is why when I saw him almost in the parking lot at his school the other day, I FREAKED out. I may have jumped the gun a bit but that was NOT ok. It was not ok for a six year old boy to be that close to the street. I don't care how many staff members are directing traffic, they don't know who is or who is NOT on the pick up list. A number of things could have happened and the school is not understanding this.

In the end everything turned out well and they will not be transferring Zilla to the other school, but I am not going to let this go. He may have to finish out the school at this school, but I will not be dropping this. I intend to talk to the principal again about the pick up process and even the PTA president. If my fears are not appeased, then I WILL be talking to the superintendent.

I may not be the norm when it comes to protecting my children, but that does not mean that a six year old should be responsible for where he needs to be after school. The principals at both schools don't seem to think what happened was a big deal. Unless they're playing it down so I don't freak out. If that's their plan, it's not working. They are making it worse by not acknowledging a flaw in their system.

Yes the children should know where to be when they need to be picked up, it's a part of making them aware and responsible. Both of which, I think are very important, but what about if there was a custody battle between Dirty and myself? What if my dad went to pick up Zilla and Zilla went with him? My dad isn't on the pick up list. Obviously it would be fine if he was picked up by my dad, but the school doesn't know that! What if some pervert decided to go kid shopping and picked up my son? What would the school have done THEN? What would they have done if he did run out into the street and got hit by a car?

These aren't little what if's, these are BIG what if's. I am relieved beyond words that nothing bad happened, but what if.....what if?

Dec 28, 2009

What a Beautiful Christmas!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 21 friends have commented
Despite everything that has happened to us this month, we had a wonderful, beautiful, fantastic Christmas.

Dirty's grandmother passed away, which wasn't unexpected, but sad nonetheless. The good thing, is she was able to spend Christmas with her husband who passed away a few years ago. Dirty's mom was able to get her ashes put in the wall before Christmas, so she was laid to rest before Christmas. That was a nice ending to a wonderful woman's life. I'm very honored to have been a part of her life. She was truly a magical person. She will be missed, but we know she is very happy with her husband, who she has missed so much.

Even Peaches moving out and not talking to me, still, didn't ruin our day. I wasn't about to let her selfishness ruin our day.

I didn't think about anything that had to do with Dirty's court appearance or the outcome. I was going to actually enjoy this holiday and BE present for it. For the first time in years, I was able to see Christmas for what it truly is. I wasn't on death watch or waiting for the phone to ring. My dad was here and I didn't have to fake my way through the whole thing.

This year should have been one of the worst Christmases ever, but instead, it turned out to be one of the best. I am very thankful for my family for getting me to this point.

I hope everyone had a wonderful day. I wish for 2010 to be a WONDERFUL year!

Dec 19, 2009

Time To Move On

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 20 friends have commented
Dear Peaches,

Remember when we met, almost 13 years ago? We were so young and such different people. Changing is to be expected, especially given how close we once were. We did a lot of fun things and we have many memories of those times. I wouldn't take a moment of the good times because they were a lot of fun. I'll always hold those memories close to my heart and think of them with a smile on my face.

I'm pretty sure the moment our friendship changed was when you and The Y got a divorce. Things between us weren't bad before then. Sure we had some disagreements and frustrations, but we could always laugh them off or talk them through. Then you two got your divorce and you changed. You become someone I didn't know anymore. I don't know if you were trying to recapture the youth you missed because you married young and had your babies starting at 17. That's what I told myself and others. When people would come up to me and say "WTH is wrong with Peaches?! Why isn't she at home with her children?" I would always shrug my shoulders and say "I'm not in her position, so I can't say. I've never been divorced and had nowhere to go. She's probably trying to find herself." I was always honest with you, never did I lie to you. Never did I say "yeah that's a great idea, do it!" I always gave you my honest opinion, when you asked. Never once did I turn my back on you. Not once! Even when I thought you were making a HUGE mistake by moving to Washington with your boyfriend and leaving your children here. I did tell you I didn't think it was something I would do, but once again, I'm not you. I supported you and your decisions. I even stepped in as a mother figure to your children. I raised them for almost two years while you were in a different state. I made their dinners, got them off to school, talked to their teaches, picked them up from school and help them while they cried. I even stood up for you when they were made at you for leaving. You didn't know that did you? Know why? Because I didn't say a damn thing to you about it. Maybe I should have. Maybe if I did, your children wouldn't be as lost as they are right now. Who know? Can't change the past now, all I can do is accept the choices I made in the best interests of your children and mine. Personally, I think I pretty damn good job raising FIVE children for almost two years. Kudos and pats on the back for me! Even though I didn't do it for accolades, I did it because I love your children like they're my own.

What happened when things were going bad for you and Boyfriend? Who listened to you cry on the phone? Who would call you to talk about something and never interrupt you when the conversation inevitably steered toward you? That would be me! Who didn't say much about the deep dark hole I was in last year because the support I would've received wouldn't have been worth it? Yep, that's me again. I'm not saying all of this because I want to get credit for them, I'm simply saying them because I want you too SEE that our friendship ending the way it is, is not MY fault.

Dirty and I took you in with no questions asked when you showed up on our doorstep six months ago because that's what friends do. You help each other when their in need. I unpacked your belongings and put away the reminders of Boyfriend when you were at your mom's that weekend, you didn't know that. I did it because I knew putting all of those things in a bag and then putting it in the garage would have hurt you. I don't want you to be hurt because I love you. I would have done everything in my power to take your pain away. I didn't say shit when you started putting up pictures of your kids in my house because maybe seeing their pictures were making this place feel like home to you. I do love your kids, but having more pictures of them in my home then my own, well that kind of irked me. It was temporary and it made you feel a little bit better, so I didn't say anything.

I cooked meals for you, cleaned up messes and took care of a lot of things for you. When I was doing laundry and you were outside tanning, I didn't mind. It wasn't your laundry after all, why should you do it? When I cleaned up the house while you were at the lake with your friends, I was a bit miffed, but once again, it wasn't YOUR mess. It was our mess, you should be expected to clean it up. When you cleaned the bathroom a few times for me, I was SO excited! I loath and detest cleaning the bathroom and the fact that you did, well I was beaming with happiness. When you cleaned the kitchen a few times, I was always grateful and always showed my appreciation. I thought I made our living arrangement pretty smooth. It wasn't perfect, but I felt I did my best to give you space. You had a dresser to put your clothing in AND most importantly you had a roof over your head.

When you got your grant check and gave us $100, we thanked you and showed you our appreciation. We weren't bitter that you got your money before I did. We were actually happy that you got some money Because you were struggling. You didn't know how you were going to buy shampoo and razors, the money came at the perfect time for you. And to be honest, for us too. You aren't a very easy person to buy things for. You don't like grocery store shampoo or disposable razors. So, buying your things wasn't cheap. But we did it anyway because not being able to buy your own razors would suck, a lot!

Things got a bit stressful when we started school. It wasn't easy to figure out how I was going to cook dinners on Monday nights since I had to be at school at dinner time. I did ask you to pitch in a bit, but then your wrist started to hurt you and you never made dinner. Even though, you were here, at the house, when I was at school. You saw me making a menu or making a dinner early in the day and only said "why don't you just have Dirty make dinner? You know he's capable of it." "Yes he is capable of it, but I think the children are sick of eating fish sticks or grilled cheese soup every Monday." You never offered to make dinner, but you sure had no problem eating the dinner I made. That's when things started going downhill, for my at least. I started to resent your "carefree lifestyle" while I struggled to do household chores. I would get pissed off when you would waltz in the door after a night of drinking and partying because you had no responsibilities. I didn't resent that you were going out, no not at all. I didn't WANT to go out, I would have rather stayed at home. What I did resent you for, was the fact that this whole house had to suffer for your choices. We all had to deal with your pissy ass mood because you had a hangover. I had to listen to you bitch about how the food I'm making is going to make you throw up. Psstt...get over yourself.

Shit REALLY hit the fan when you got your school money and proceeded to buy stuff for yourself and NOT even offer us a dime! You heard us talking about how much the cable and power bills were, yet you didn't even offer us $50 to help out. You did, however, go get your hair cut, buy yourself a new pair of pants and a bra. Yeah they may have amounted to a total of $50, but you could have offered that to your friends who have taken care of you for the past six months. But you didn't and that's why I had the talk with you the other night. Not because I'm jealous that you had over $2,000 in your bank account and I didn't. I was hurt that you thought of yourself before you thought of me. Yeah, I shouldn't be surprised because that's why you are, but I was and still am. When you gave me $100 and didn't say a word to me, I lost any respect I had for you. Which, by the way, wasn't much. In that moment, our friendship ended. Not because of money, but because you couldn't take a time out and think "hey, I should talk to these people who took me in when I had NOWHERE to go. I should offer them something instead of going to get my hair cut." But *sigh* you didn't. You, as usual, thought of only yourself.

I truly wish you the very best in your new apartment, I honestly do. I wish you nothing but happiness. I only wish I could be there to see you grow up and be responsible. If we do come out of this, it won't be like it was before. I won't let you get close to me again. I'm sure you think you're in the right here, but let me assure you, you are not. What you did was rude and selfish.

We had good times and bad times. Despite everything, I will remember the good times.
Good luck with everything,

Dec 18, 2009

Updates, Awards, Followers And Giveaways, OH MY!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 9 friends have commented
Update: Peaches moves out Saturday *YAY* So that's pretty awesome. I'm happy for her and happy for me. The bad part is she isn't talking to me. I had a conversation with her about money *BOO* and she didn't take it well. I asked her if she had thought about kicking down any money and she said "I didn't look at me being her as a debt or a bill that needed to be paid." While I agree with her, I didn't expect her to "pay us back", but I also didn't expect her to go get her hair cut, buy a new pair of pants and go out to dinner and lunch a few times and NOT kicking down anything. I felt like THAT was a slap in the face and I told her so. She didn't love it, which is why she isn't really speaking to me. Oh well, such is life, right? Hopefully she'll get a lesson in real life soon. I truly hope so! I don't want her to fail or anything, but I would like to see her get a feel for what real life is. Grown up stuff like paying bills and NOT buying $25 panties at Victoria's Secret. Just saying.....

As for Zilla's school, well the principal didn't approve the transfer. He didn't call me Monday, but did call me back Tuesday AFTER I called the school and left a message. I think he was hoping I would just disappear. Our conversation went OK, even though he didn't give me what I want. The only part that pissed me off was when he said "you need to solve the problem and not run away from it." That didn't sit well with me. My reply to that statement was "I don't feel comfortable sending my son to school anymore. I should not have to worry if my child is going to be in the parking lot or by the doors when I pick him up. This is NOT ok!" I get the feeling that they're trying to blame Zilla for this, make it HIS responsibility to know where he's suppose to be. Which, on one hand, I agree with them, but on the other he is SIX years old! Just because he's in the first grade and not kindergarten, that's suppose to make all the difference? I think not, sir! He also told me there isn't any room at the other school and when I told him that's not the information I was given, he wanted me to tell him who gave me that information. I stood strong, though. I'm not giving you nay names, I'm going to protect the people that are ACTUALLY trying to help me.

I got off the phone with him and immediately called the principal at the other school. HA! Take that asshole! She talked to me, but had to call me back after she found out what the first grade numbers were looking like. Weird she didn't call me back. I was going to call the superintendent of the district, if I didn't hear back from anyone. I finally heard back from the vice principal/behavioral specialist in the afternoon. This guy was Nae's teacher for two years and I was the room mom, so he knows me and Zilla. He said he's going to try to pull some strings for me and call in some favors. If not, I'll be going over HIS head! I genuinely like this guy and don't want to piss him off, but Zilla's education is more important.

I just don't think they are understanding the gravity of this situation. We are new to this school this year and not everyone knows me or my kid. The guy who's supervising the crosswalk doesn't know me. He doesn't know who is allowed to pick up Zilla and who isn't. What if some pervert decided to go kid shopping and picked up Zilla? What if he got hit by a car? What would have the school done THEN?! The whole pick up system needs work and until it gets fixed, I won't be comfortable there.

Every time I think about the one time that Zilla walked home from the school a few years back, my heart jumps into my throat and my palms sweat. I didn't know where my son was for about 20 minutes. I get the same feeling when I think about Monday and saw Zilla by the crosswalk. SO many things could have happened and the school doesn't want to think about it. Well they have no choice, because I am not stopping until I feel comfortable dropping my son off at school.

Awards: YAY I've been given awards. Not just one but TWO! How cool is that?! Pretty cool, I think. Sunny gave me a Beautiful Blogger award. Awwwww thanks, hon! Sunny is pretty amazing and what she said about me kind of made me tear up a little. She's a very sweet gal. Who has an adorable Bean at home and two in the belly right now. Although her doctor's appointment didn't go so well on Wednesday. Go on over and give her a little love. She's a bit stressed out, rightly so.

I'm to post 7 things about myself and pass this onto 7 beautiful bloggers. I have NO idea who has been given this award or not. Totally not passing it on, well maybe I will...a different day.
1) I hate confrontation, but will fight to the death for my family

2) I'm starting to realize some friendships aren't meant to be

3) I can do anything I put my mind too. Hello 4.0!

4) I really enjoy killing people with kindness. It's SO much more satisfying then being mean.

5) I hate doing the laundry and will do anything I can to get out of it.

6) I love email conversations.

7) My new Victoria's Secret bra is out of control! When your breasts are a C, you don't need the bra that adds TWO more cup sizes. I'm grateful for wonderful friends who think about me on my birthday, but that's just a little much.

The next award I got from Sassy over at Secret Life Of Sass and Lex. She is my Twitter wifey, well ONE of them! I'm not sure what happens on Twitter but some time during the day, we all end up being married. Fine by me, Sass makes LAMB! AND she said she'd show me how to do it. Only problem is how I'm going to get to her to learn. We'll figure it out!

Sass gave me the Happy 101 award! I'm suppose to list 10 things that make me happy and then pass this onto 10 bloggers.
1) could wine NOT make me happy?!

2) Dirty. He is always making me laugh and saying he's gonna trade me in when I get older. Pretty sure THAT won't happen, cuz there won't be one 25 year old that's gonna want to "hang out with him" let alone two of em when I turn 50. Sorry babe, you are out of LUCK!

3) Chocolate..'nuff said

4) My it!

5) My bed *ahhh*

6) Cooking

7) Coffee

8) Baths

9) My computer

10) And last but DEFINITELY not least...all my bloggy friends. I love all ya'll!

OK, now followers: Go over to Fertility Chick, tell her I sent ya and follower her! She's giving away BALLS...go read you'll figure it out. Seriously if you're not reading her, you are missing OUT! And I know from experience she is good at giveaways. I'm gonna leave it at that because I don't want to ruin it for ya. Just go read *giggle*

Giveaway: Terra over at Sitting on an Oak is giving away some CHOCOLATE! Nestle chocolate at THAT! She emailed ME and asked ME to join in the fun and who am I to say no?! She did email more then just I, but I'm pretending I'm important enough to be the ONLY one to have received this email....

Annnnnnnd DONE! Sorry this was so long, but I had to play catch up. It's been a crazy week around here.

Dec 15, 2009


Musings of A Beautiful Mess 39 friends have commented
It's a bit hard to read, sorry about that. my paint skillz are all that fantastic. Thankfully I didn't take MS Paint for fall term. If I had I might not have gotten a 4.0!!! Since I didn't take MS Paint, I DID in fact get a 4.0 this term! I am shocked, excited, proud of myself and so many other emotions. I want to cry while doing cartwheels. I just can't believe it! I can, I worked my a$$ off for that 4.0, but!

Thank you everyone for all of your support. I would not have had the courage to go back to school if it wasn't for each and every one of you cheering me on. You all rock my world! Thank you so much! ACK! I'm gonna cry if I keep this up! Love you all!

Dec 14, 2009

They Have NO Idea What's Coming To Them

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 13 friends have commented
I haven't been in love with Zilla's new school since he started. I was unimpressed with the way the school looked and was nervous about transferring him. The school was down the street and if something came up, I could always walk down to grab him. That was pretty much the only thing they had going for them. I met his teacher and everything in September, she was from his old school, so I thought the curriculum would be the same. While that is true, we're are very unhappy with this school. The last straw was today when we went to pick him up and he was IN THE PARKING LOT! The kid is six years old, he has NO business being in the damn parking lot! the principal was outside so I talked to him and he said that they stopped handing off the children to their parents after Thanksgiving. Ummmm OK, so the children are left to decide where to meet their parents? That isn't OK with me. Zilla is a very active six year old boy and has the "shoot first, ask questions later" mentality. I could see some random person going up to him telling him that his dad told him to be picked up by someone else. As much as I've told Zilla not to go with anyone other then Dirty or myself, I could see this happening. So seeing him in the parking lot really pissed me off and scared the crap out of me. I might be a bit gun shy since I lost him almost a year ago, but that's a different story for a different day. Or not, I don't like to think about it often. Just know that the old cliche "I only turned my back for a second" is a cliche for a reason!

Anyway, there have been some behavioral issues lately and Zilla has been coming home with yellow (bad day) and red (really bad day) days. When I've talked to his teacher about these, they seem to be "boy" things. Not excusing his behavior, but it's for things such as him talking when it's suppose to be quiet time. It seems that she gives the whole class a general rule and if anyone disobeys the rule, they have to change their card. It also seems as if they don't get a chance to turn their card back to green (good day). Every time he gets a yellow or a red, he gets punished. We may not agree with the way his teacher is doing things, but we still have to follow through at home, so we do. When we ask Zilla why he's having these bad says, his answer always coincides with what the teacher says, and it's really not all that bad. On the other hand, I get that she has to be strict in order to keep her class in line. It's her against 20 six year olds, odds are not in her favor. We were willing to work with his teacher and her differences in the behavior, but then this happened today and we've kind of had it.

Then we went to do his homework when we got home and for the third week in a row, he's gotten Spanish homework. It's great that they are teaching the children a different language, but neither Dirty or myself speak Spanish. How am I suppose to help him with his homework, when I can't even read it? He did a Christmas countdown and THAT was in Spanish. Ummm we can't participate in the activities that are on the countdown because we DON'T SPEAK SPANISH! There was nothing given to us stating that they were teaching him Spanish, nor was there anything said about homework being done in Spanish only. That leads me to think that they aren't paying attention and giving him the wrong homework. The kids is behind enough as it is, he doesn't need any MORE help getting behind.

So I called his old school, talked to the secretary and asked about an in-district transfer. She gave me ALL the details and even told me that if anything got hung up, to call her. When I called and told them who I was, they remembered me! That's what I like to hear! One of the gals did call me by my daughter's name, but she STILL remembered our family! I will not be sad about leaving this school. It feels like we're coming back home. If anything gets hung up, you better believe, I'm marching into the district office. Don't tempt me people, you WILL be sorry! You have NO idea who you're dealing with. You don't want to mess with my kid!

Dec 13, 2009

Sick and Tired

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 12 friends have commented
I'm sick...and tired. I'm on day 4 of this dreaded cold and I'd like it to be banished from my body and home. It's run through everyone in this house, but of course, it's gained enough strength to kill a horse before invading my body. After days (Weeks? Months?) of taking care of everyone, I've finally succumbed to it. It sucks and it's making me a VERY crabby person. So, in order to not become bitchy to my family, who are trying very hard to take care of me, I'm going to be bitchy on my blog. If I don't get this temper tantrum (that's about to over take me) out, it won't be pretty.

I'm sick of sharing EVERYTHING that's suppose to be "mine". I don't want to share my cell phone anymore. I don't want to share my couch anymore. I don't want to share my bathroom anymore. I want to go in there and take a shower, bath, or whatever when I want too. I'm sick of going through toilet paper at an alarming rate. There are other people that live in this house (for FREE), it is possible to notice we're out of toilet paper and go buy some when you're out and about doing whatever the hell you do. And while we're on the subject of free loading, you just got a $2,000 check. Wanna kick down a few bucks for living here in my house for the last six months.....for FREE?! Getting expensive shampoo, your hair cut and your daughters' hair cut and not even offering to give us even $50 is just plain rude. I know you haven't had much money and spending some money on yourself is within your right, but you have been living her for FREE for the past six months. Lets try thinking about someone else for a change.

I don't want to spend my birthday money on house stuff. It's MY birthday money, I want to spend it on stuff for myself. Selfish? Damn right it is! If I want to spend it on laundry soap, then I'll spend it on laundry soap. But if I want to spend it on a stupid tin with pink mints in it, don't give me THAT look. You're just going to piss me off.

This computer? The one that is MINE? The very one that you bitch about because the screen is "annoying" and my chair is uncomfortable? Yeah that one. If you don't like it, stop using it! If you don't like it, then why even bother using it? Wouldn't it be a nice change if you asked to use something and DIDN'T bitch about it? I'm doing you a God damn favor by ALLOWING you to use it, act accordingly.

I'm sure being sick and feeling like I got hit by a train is what is causing me to be such a bitch about every little thing, but right now, I could care less. All I want to do is lay on the couch (move over) or my bed and either sleep or be miserable. Don't talk to me, unless it's asking me how I'm feeling. Anything else you ask, I don't have an answer for. If I do have an answer, you probably don't want to hear it.

****end rant***
Special thanks to Julies for letting me whine to her via email. Sorry I haven't been the best sounding board or email friend lately. As soon as I feel less like crap, I'll be back to my chipper self!

Dec 7, 2009

A Woman's Journey To Strength

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 18 friends have commented
When I first started my writing class, a few of my bloggy lovers wanted me to post an essay. I wanted to wait to do that until my last class, which was TONIGHT. Here is one of my essays, my VERY favorite one. The one I read in class tonight and ALMOST made it through without crying. I'm so proud of this essay and not only because I got an A on it. It just made me realize how much Ive gone through and how far I've come.

I never thought of myself as a strong person, so when my mom said to me "Danielle, you are the strong one in this family. I need you to know that", I was taken by surprise. The next day as my family and I were standing around my mom's hospital bed, watching her take her very last breath, I started to understand what she meant. As I heard my older sister crying hysterically, saw my dad heartbroken and my younger sister lost, I knew I was going to have to step into my mother's place as the strong one in our family. I was going to have to gather up and strength I had and carry my family through her death and funeral. The funeral was a few days later and while I don't remember much of the days leading up to it, I do remember the day like it just happened yesterday.

The sun was shinning brightly for a bitterly cold January day. the wind was whipping through my hair, stinging my cheeks, and grabbing the hem of my black chiffon dress. As I walked from the parking lot to the church tightly holding onto my mom's urn, warm from my body heat, I opened the doors. I stepped into the church, I immediately felt the heat hit my body wrapping me in comfort like an old tattered college sweatshirt. The vestibule of the church was humming with people talking in hushed tones and quietly crying. Lit candles and beautiful bouquets of flowers from various friends and relatives cover every flat surface of the room. The air smelled of melted candle wax and fresh cut flowers. I walked passed everyone, not saying a word, to stand next to the large table that held the many pictures of my mom. I looked at all of these pictures that symbolize her sixty-two years of life and start to cry. I took a deep breath and gathered some strength to get myself and my family through this unbearably sad day.

Still holding onto my mom's white porcelain urn, I dipped my fingers into the brass bowl that holds the warm holy water. Making the sign of the cross, I walked up to the alter. There was a small table covered in red velvet cloth and many red and white carnations designated for the urn. I set down the only physical object that remains of my mom and started to cry. Again, for the countless time that day, I wished I didn't have to do this. For a brief moment, I started to feel the sadness try to over take me, but I took another deep breath, composed myself, and turned around and took my seat in the pew marked "reserved for family members". I sat between my father and my husband, holding my father's hand and rubbing his back, whispering softly "I'm here, I'll get us through this."

That moment at the alter was the only time I let myself feel the overwhelming heartache since I watched her take her last breath in that hospital bed for three years. Between January 18, 2005 and January 15, 2008, I ran from the pain that filled my soul and focused all my energy and strength on my family. I was more concerned with how my dad and sisters were coping then I was with myself. I cooked meals for them, cleaned my father's house, and helped him pack up some of my mom's belongings, all the while pushing my grief deep down. I did all of this to make the transition from having my mom everyday, to never being able to see her or hear her voice again, easier. My goal was to help myself, while helping my family. By stepping into my mom's place in our family, I thought I could make my pain less and be that strong woman she thought I was. When the grief got to be too much of a presence, that I could no longer out run it, I stood next to it. I let grief and sadness wash over me as a wave would wash over a sandcastle. When I was allowing myself to be taken over by grief, I found that strong woman my mom told me I was three years ago. The strength I had before is nothing compared to what I have now. Today I can be the strong woman my mom always knew I was. I am able to help my family through this tragedy, and do it with my whole soul. I don't need to sacrifice my grief in order to be there for the rest of my family.

It's been a year since I allowed myself to embrace grief and not run from it. In the last year I have found more strength then I ever thought I had. I dug deep inside myself to gather strength, only to find out there are deeper places to look. I couldn't have gone on this journey if it wasn't for the woman who knows me better then I know myself, telling me I was capable. She unlocked something in me that day and she knew exactly what she was doing.

Dec 5, 2009

Seeing What Once Was

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 14 friends have commented
****This might not make much sense. It's a jumble of thoughts that I need to get out****

The other night Dirty and I were sitting on the couch watching TV, when a depression commercial came on. The people were holding up note cards saying things like "I see the world in black and white", "I'm empty inside", all the things I felt last year. Everything I was feeling last year was what was written on those cards. It really made me think and realize how low I was and how far I've come. I didn't intend on it, but I said out loud to Dirty "you know, I'm really surprised you didn't put me on medication." Obviously he couldn't force me to take any type of medication, but we made the decision, as a couple, that medication wasn't for me.

It's hard to be depressed. I didn't realize I was depressed until now. I knew I was sad and I was missing me mom, but I never thought I was "depressed". That word get thrown around so much, it almost has no meaning anymore. My mom suffered from depression from time to time and my older sister did, as well. Although, I'm sure my older sister's depression was caused more by drug use then anything else. My mom's might have been related to medication and her fibromyalgia. I'm not sure because my parents made sure my little sister and I weren't aware of that, even as adults. They didn't want us to worry about my mom, so they did their best to keep it from us. We knew she would spend days in her room, but always thought it was because of her pain. Anyway...not the point....

After I made that odd, random statement to Dirty, he looked at me and said "I knew how bad you were, but I also knew you were strong enough to fight it and win." Apparently I'm not as good as hiding things from him, as I thought I was. Not sure why I ever try, but I do. I'm glad he had faith in me, because I know I didn't. I know there were times when I felt so hopeless and stuck in a block hole that I couldn't even imagine ever getting out. But there were also days where I could see the sun from my black hole. I could go on and on about all the things I did when I was depressed that I wished I hadn't done, but what is that going to solve? What I do know is that right now, today, I feel SO much different then I did last year.

Last year putting up the Christmas tree and seeing my mom's ornament threw me into a crying fit in the bathroom by myself. This year, unpacking that ornament put a small smile on my face. I did get that "I wish mom was here" feeling, but it wasn't going to take me away on a 5 day depression vacation. I did have a small panic attack and almost dissolved into a puddle of tears when I wanted to put it on the tree and couldn't find it. Thankfully, Dirty found it and one of the kids had already put it on the tree. Then he moved it to the front with a light behind it so I could look at it. It was a very sweet gesture and one I appreciate more then I can say.

When I was telling Dirty how lost I was last year and how this year everything is so different, he said "you did a great job, hon! You will have bad days, and those are OK, but your good days outnumber your bad days. That's what you should be proud of." And ya know what? I am proud of that!

The last almost four years have sucked so much! I sometimes, can't believe it was me who was standing by my mom when she passed away. I can't believe I saw her last breath. I can't believe I was THERE when we made the decision to take her off life support. It's hard to wrap my brain around the thought that she is actually dead. I'm not sure that feeling will ever go away, and that's just fine with me. I don't think I ever want to be OK with her death in that way. I've always just wanted peace with the whole thing. And I think I've finally found it.

This year, my birthday won't be as much of a celebration as the years before, that's good. That means that I'm not trying to push away the sad thoughts away by having a huge party. Christmas will mean more because I'll be present through the whole thing. I'll be missing my mom, but it won't consume me like it has in the past. This past year, I've done a lot of healing. If I can see the difference, that means that my hopes of wanting to smile with my eyes, has actually happened. I'm not faking it anymore. When I get sad, I sit with it. I don't try to push it away, in the hopes that it'll just leave me alone. I don't push my purple gorilla away, I sit with her and let her hold me when I need it. I allow myself to feel the pain, but I also allow myself to feel the love from everyone around me.

I will always miss my mom, no doubt about that, but life is brighter, today. I came a long way in the past few years. I may have taken the long way to get here, but I had to do it that way. That way was my way. I had to fall to my knees from the pain in order to be strong enough to walk through the grief. If there is anything I've learned from this, it's that it is OK to be picked up by my family and friends. Just because I'm "the strong one" doesn't mean I don't need help. I do need help and that help comes in many forms.

Nov 27, 2009

Healing and Thanksgiving

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 17 friends have commented
Thank you to EVERYONE for commenting and/or reading my last post. It wasn't an easy one to write. So thank you for the support, I appreciate it more then I can say.

Thanksgiving was really low key here. It was just the four of us and it was SO nice. There was no stress to get everything done on time, no guests arriving at a certain time and wanting to go before dark or whatever, no having to get dressed up, just us wanting to eat sometime before midnight. I even got to sleep in! Ahhh it was so nice to be able to get up around 11, have a cup of coffee, and surf the Internet before I had to start baking and cooking. Of course, I missed my dad and sister, but they'll be here for Christmas.

After I got the pies done, I prepped my bird. I was a bit worried as to how this turkey was going to turn out because I hadn't even done a turkey by myself before. the last Thanksgiving I did was before my mom died. Zilla was 4 months old, my mom was in a wheel chair, Dirty was working nights and the house was PACKED with my family. But my mom was there and she was able to help me, even though she was in her wheelchair. It was a day of playing pass the baby, praying that my turkey wasn't dry, and hoping there was enough food for everyone. Even though it was a stressful day, if I had any questions, I could turn around and ask my mom. This year, I didn't have that option, obviously.

Even though I didn't have that option, I didn't fall into a hole of depression while nursing a bottle of wine to get me through the day for the first time in almost 4 years. I was confident in my ability to make this dinner, even though I was doing it solo. It might have been because it was just the four of us, but I still did it! Not once did I feel sad or anything! Even when I pulled out some of her and my dad's china to use for dinner, I didn't get that stab of sorrow I'm so use too. I was happy and proud to use it. I used a few pieces of their china, a few pieces of Dirty's parents' and grandparents' china. I told the kids that it was like everyone was with us, it was a nice tradition to start. A tradition I intend to carry it on.

Dinner was wonderful, but the best part of it was the realization that I am healing. I don't know what "healed" looks like or if that is even possible, but I do know this feeling that I have now is pretty amazing. I still miss my mom like crazy, but not sitting on the couch right now in a daze is like a breath of fresh air.

Hopefully Christmas will be just as peaceful as Thanksgiving was. If not, I know I'll get through it. I always do.

Nov 25, 2009

We All Make Mistakes

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 26 friends have commented
Almost three years ago Dirty made a HUGE mistake. Like "I am the dumbest person on Earth and I don't deserve you" mistake. He didn't have an affair or anything like that, but it was pretty dumb.

My mom was dying, his grandfather was dying and we were driving to do some Christmas shopping. Christmas shopping is stressful enough, but add in two dying family members and a distraught wife, well it just makes the whole experience THAT much stressful. Just so you know, I am NOT making excuses for Dirty's behavior, nor has he, I'm simply explaining the situation. Anyway...we were driving down the highway and some guy decides to cut off Dirty. So much so that he had to slam on the breaks, causing my coffee to spill all over the floor. Dirty being a guy, decides to cut this guy off back, stupid idea number 1. Guy gets pissed, rightly so, and merges into our lane so much so that Dirty has to drive into the shoulder to avoid getting hit. Dirty is REALLY pissed off at this point, gets in front of him, stops our truck and GETS OUT OF THE IT! Stupid idea number 2. Guy is taken by surprise, rolls down his window and yells something unkind to Dirty. Dirty gets even MORE pissed, kicks out his leg and MAKES CONTACT WITH GUY'S REAR FENDER! Stupid idea number 3. He is just as surprised as Guy is, but his adrenalin is going and he's pretty shaken up. Not to mention really pissed off at himeself. We continue on down the road and didn't see guy again, apparently he saw US and called the cops. Dirty is apologizing to me and mentally kicking (HAHA) himself for letting the guy get the better of him. We finish our Christmas shopping and go about our Christmas festivities and such. His grandfather passes away on Christmas and before we go to the funeral (a few days later), 2 police officers show up at our door to ARREST DIRTY! He tells them we're on our way to a funeral and he'll "turn himself in" on our way home. Oddly enough they agree. I'm not sure why they agreed to that, but they did. We went to the funeral and then went to the police station on our way home. Dirty was booked and finger printed and all that stuff and then released. Not sure why, probably becuase it was a misdemeanor?

He got a court date and a lawyer and thought we had taken care of everything. We were making payments on the fines and the damage caused my him kicking the vehicle and Dirty was on probation. It was a big deal because Dirty was ON probabtion, but it was considered a misdemeanor, so the court didn't see it as a big deal. He had to check in every month when he payed his fees, no guns in the house and stay out of trouble. Fairly simple, until he got pulled over and TAKEN to jail last year becuase there was a warrant out for his arrest.

Dirty was working nights and would normally be home around 11pm and when he wasn't I was TRYING not to freak out. I willed myself to not think "my husband is dead" thoughts and go take a shower. I even left my phone in the bedroom, like a big girl. In the 15 minutes it took me to take a shower, he had called about 10 times, all from jail *sigh* Once he got a hold of me, I went into action. Called whoever I needed to call to BAIL my HUSBAND out of jail, called my dad cried to him, got off the phone and threw up in the driveway. I was FREAKING OUT, obviously. We had NO idea why there was a warrant out for him and we getting no information. The warrant was like 6 months old and we NEVER knew about it. We asked many questions, but once again, no answers. We finally bailed him out and made plans to call a lawyer first thing in the morning.

Dirty felt horrible and didn't even want to sleep in the same bed as me. He felt like he had "no right" to be in our family and was a poor example for our kids. I felt horrible for him, I wasn't even mad at him, I just felt bad. I assured him he did deserve to be in our family and we would get through this. And we did. We got a lawyer and did whatever we needed to do to fix this problem (again) so it could be behind us. From there on out, his court fees and such were paid first! There will be NO mistakes on our part so when November 23, 2009 came and he was off probation, we would have NOTHING to worry about.

We paid all of his fines and fees OFF last week, I even have the receipt to prove it. On November 19, Dirty went to the courthouse for the very last time (so we thought) and paid the rest of everything off. He could have gotten an extension, but we had the money then, so we just decided to pay it off, completely. We celebrated that night with a Blazer game and some beer. YAY, he was free! HA! Not even close!

Monday, I was in the kitchen boiling eggs for egg salad sandwiches when 2 police officers come strolling up our driveway. My first thought was "oh shit! I'm missing class tonight because Dirty is going to jail". When they came to the door and asked him Dirty by his first and last name, I knew we were in trouble and we were. They arrested in our LIVING ROOM for a warrant that was issued on the EXACT same day as the day he paid off his fees. The warrant was for probation violation in the amount of what the balance was, the balance that he had JUST paid off a few days ago. The cops were just as confused as were were, but had to do their job. they handcuffed him and led him to the cruiser. The whole time, I'm shaking and showing the cops the receipt that says "balance $0" and asking eleventybillion questions. The cops said it might be a clerical error, but they still have to take him down. So Dirty leaves our house in a POLICE CAR and I fall into roommates chest crying and shaking. I knew we would get it all figured out but WTF?!?! We did everything we were suppose to do! If there were ever an award for best behavior while on probation, Dirty would have gotten it. I know that sounds bad and like I'm grasping at straws or trying to make him sound good, but I'm not. We both know what he did was/is bad and he took responsibility for his actions. Many times, in fact. What he did was wrong and he is a dumbass for doing it. His words not mine, I just nod my head when he says it ;o)

I got to the ATM after he leaves, go to the jail post bail and wait...and wait...and wait some more. The women at the jail who took my money were COMPLETE bitches to me, by the way. I was scared and confused so I my questions may not have made much sense, but for them to treat me like they did was uncalled for.

The "incident" happened in a different county and that's who issued the warrant, so I asked if I needed to contact that county. "Do I need to call Washington County or fax them this receipt or do you do that? I really have no idea what I'm doing here, I'm a little new to this whole 'bail your husband out of jail thing' *nervous laughter* so what is my next step?" Yeah maybe I shouldn't have made a joke, but the other questions were pretty logical, right? I honestly wasn't trying to be a smartass, I just didn't know what to do. The gal, who looked like a toad, said "don't worry about it, they will get your money and if it is an error you will get your money back". She was SO snotty and rude, I had no idea what to say! The $168 it took to bail Dirty out of jail was the LEAST of my concerns. I just wanted to know what to do!

He calls me about 2 hours later because they had FINALLY released him, without a court date *sigh* he was instructed to call Other County the next day and find out when his court date is and to find out exactly what the warrant is for. He did that and he wasn't in their computers! They have NO record of the warrant, him being arrested and as far as their considered, he's off probation, so not their problem anymore.

He hung up totally confused and not knowing what to do next. You can't get arrested and NOT have a court date. Knowing our luck, he'd accept that and then get arrested a month later. He called back and asked more questions and they finally found him and gave him a court date. Whomever was giving him his court date thought the whole thing stupid because he was at THAT courthouse the SAME day the warrant was issued. Apparently someone made a mistake and didn't cross reference his fees or something, we really have no idea.

All we know that in a few weeks, he has to go to court and...then what? The judge might laugh at the absurdity of the whole thing, but we really have no idea. We do have the receipt for the fees being paid off, even thought they SHOULD have that information in their system. We are not taking any chances here, he is bringing ALL of his paperwork to that appointment.

Clearly we had a great week over here, how about you? Seriously though, this sucks, not only because Dirty made a STUPID choice, but also because apparently nobody knows how to subtract?

Nov 16, 2009

How is School Going?

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 17 friends have commented
I've been emailed this question a few times and I realized last night that I received SO much support in going back to school, it's only fair to update everyone.

School is going great! I've got all A's and one B! WOOOHOOO!!!! I'm a bit bummed about the B, but I think I can bring that up. If not, I'm happy with a B. Ironically enough, the class I'm getting a B in, is my writing class. The class I walked into thinking was going to be cake. HA! Oh what a naive girl I am, sometimes (all the time). Apparently there is a difference between informal writing (blogs, emails and the like) and formal writing (essays, articles, ya know, the things smart people write). The good part in getting my ego put in it's place, is that I'm learning so much!

When I got my first essay back and it was a C+, I can't even tell you how ashamed and embarrassed I was. It really bothered me for days! I let it bring me down at first, and then I realized, with some help from Dirty, that this is my very FIRST college writing class. It may just be a pre-requisite and not going to my degree (yes, that has been said to me and no I didn't punch the person in the face, even though I should've), but that doesn't mean it isn't hard. I am SO glad that I decided not to take the higher writing class! Even after just three essays, my writing has improved. I'm really proud of my latest essay and I learned so much in between number 1 and number 3. I also had some help in learning a few things, besides going to class. I asked Heather if she would help me edit my paper and she did! When I got her email back, I understood what I was doing wrong. It wasn't just a "here edit my paper for me, so I don't get another C". She helped me, I am so thankful to her for doing that! Thank you SO much, Heather.

The one class I thought I was going to have problems with, was math. But nope! I'm getting a 97% in that class! My instructor is amazing and he explains things so well. I remember why math was my favorite subject in high school. This whole time, I always thought it was because Mr. Gump was my favorite teacher. Turns out, that I'm really good at math. Huh? Who knew?! We took a quiz a few weeks ago and I ACED it! I asked our instructor what my grade would look like after the quiz, he asked what my score was and when I told him it was 100%, he laughed and said it would probably bring my grade up a percent or two and he usually only gets that question when someone bombs a test. WOOOHOOOO! We took another quiz on Thursday and I got one wrong..bum deal. I really wanted to ace another one, oh well I'm still getting a high A!

The rest of my classes are going well. My computer class is a total joke! Not because it's easy, but because the book and the assignments in it are insane. The way the book explains things, is weird. It's all technical and takes you through so many steps. Which is good, but just annoying when I could've done it my way and been done with it 20 minutes ago. Technically I'm not getting an A in the class because there's a certain number of points after you turn everything in at the end of the term. But as of right now I have everything turned in and I've gotten A's on everything. I just need to finish one more chapter and take all my quizzes. Hopefully I'll be done with the class before the end of term. That would free up my Fridays, which would be a nice way to start the weekend.

So all in all, everything is going really well. I'm learning a lot and having a really good time. And as far as I know, my grants and loans are going through. Hopefully they'll pay my tuition soon and I can register for winter term. If not...well I'm not going to think about that right now. I'm going to bask in the glory of getting GREAT grades in COLLEGE! Crazy, I tell ya, just CRAZY!!!!

Nov 15, 2009

Three Strikes and You're OUT!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 17 friends have commented

Nov 13, 2009

I think I need a Little Help

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 8 friends have commented
The children were out of school almost all week due to conferences, it's been a crazy, rainy, few days. Nae didn't need us to talk to her teachers, she's doing great and none of her teachers have any concerns with her or her work. Zilla on the other hand *sigh* he is STILL struggling. He reads really well when someone is there with him MAKING him stay focused, independent reading, not so much. He is having a really hard time staying focused in school. Not just in reading, but in everything. His teacher says he tends to space off, he does the same at home. I told his teacher, we're willing to do anything to get him over this hurdle. She did give me some tips and I think we will have a meeting with the literacy program at his school, but in the mean time, what do I do?! He doesn't get frustrated to the point that he'll check out and stop reading or give up, but I'm afraid that's coming. He really wants to learn and enjoys school, I'd like to keep it that way. He loves books and always has loved books. It's just hard to keep him focused. I don't know if it's because he's a "younger 6" or it's just him. I see why boys tend to start kindergarten later, now. There's nothing I can do about starting him at 5, rather then 6 and I doubt we'll (teacher included) hold him back this year, so that's good. His teacher feels pretty confident that if we can get him over this hurdle, he'll picks things up a lot faster. She feels that he'll be at reading level by then end of the year. Right now he is at a 4, almost a 5 and should be at a 5. He's really close, so I know we're making progress. He needs to be at a 14 by the end of the year and that goal just seems so far off. He does have a lot going for him, so it wasn't ALL bad news yesterday.

He is a great student, despite driving his teacher crazy with his spacing off, so she says. Does ANYONE have any tips, ideas, advice, ANYTHING to give me? I'm willing to try anything, well almost. We're going to give him more chores at home in the hopes that he'll learn to stay focused on something and get it done. It may be a long shot, but it's worth a try. I want him to do well in school, obviously, but I really want him to have confidence in his reading and writing. It seems that this has been a struggle since day one and every time I think we have a handle on it, I find out we don't. I honestly have no idea what the hell I'm doing here. I'm really trying to help him, but I don't think I'm doing it right. I don't have any tools to help him because I've never experienced this. So I'm turning to all of you. Help please! Thank you!

Nov 4, 2009

That Sucked and I'm Glad It's Over

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 25 friends have commented

Monday was harder then I thought it was going to be. Why is it always harder then I think it's going to be? One would think, I'd KNOW how hard these days will be. I guess, I just don't ever expect the sadness to overtake me as it does. I have no control over it and it totally 100% completely sucks!

I made her a cake and it turned out so good. I was really afraid it wasn't going to turn out and then I'd be devastated! It was suppose to be a pumpkin roll, but I didn't have a big enough jelly pan, so I poured the batter in two pie tins. It worked perfectly! The cake was really moist and the frosting was delicious. After the cake cooled and the frosting was made, I sat down at the kitchen table to frost it and proceeded to cry my eyes out. I was fine at first, enjoying the smell of the cake and the frosting. Then, all of the sudden the thoughts crept into my head. Those ugly thoughts that always make me cry. All I could think was "I shouldn't be doing this. This great cake should not be a memory cake. She should be here to eat it with me." I know me making my mom a cake on her birthday is a celebration of the great woman she was and the life she had, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. As I was frosting the cake, it felt just so sad. I finished it and puttered around the house for the rest of the afternoon. I went to class early to finish up some stuff and struggled through the whole three hours. I almost lost it during class. Goddess that would have been bad! My eyes got hot, my skin started tingling, it felt like it took me hours to gain composure, but in reality it was probably minutes if not seconds. I don't think anyone noticed, if they did, nobody said anything. THANK YOU UNIVERSE! When I got home, we lit the candles and sang happy birthday.

After I got home, everything just hit me! I turned into a zombie. I was in a fog and I couldn't get out of it. I think I ate when I came home, but I don't remember. I know I watched something with Dirty and took a bath and cried in the tub. Sad and pathetic, I know. I went to bed and must have either had sad dreams all night long or cried in my sleep because when woke up my eyes hurt so bad. Tuesday was worse then Monday. I was a zombie for the whole day. I just sat on the couch and stared off into space, all day. Dirty suggested I stay home from class. He felt me forcing myself to learn new things, was only going to make my head hurt worse and possibly cause me to go into a tailspin. I felt differently, I told him "I've got to learn to deal with this. Life can't stop just because I'm sad or I miss my mom. Unfortunately life doesn't work like that." We finally came to a compromise. I'd go to math class, then come home. I wouldn't go to my other class. I felt like I was kind of being irresponsible, but on the other hand that class is SO boring and I'd be in my head the whole time. The thought of crying in class was so terrifying, that I chose to stay home. It was a good choice because I cried off and on all day long, even after I got home from my math class. I told Peaches if I ran out of class, that she had to grab my stuff for me. She agreed. It's good to have a partner in crime throughout this whole college gig.

I did make dinner, but was a total zombie. I took another bath because I just couldn't focus on anything. It helped a bit, but I was pretty much useless for the rest of the evening. We went to bed and Dirty just held me. I didn't cry again, but did fall asleep right away. I woke up this morning feeling better. The emotional fog was gone, as was my headache. I still feel a little lingering emotions over the whole thing, but its over with and I did an OK job with it. Skipping out on class might not have been the most responsible thing to do, but it was definitely the best thing I could do for my mental health.

The most frustrating part of the whole thing is the loss of control. I have NO control over these emotions. I can't control them, I can't make them come at a convenient time, nor came I make them go away when they do come. All I can do is surrender myself to them and allow myself to process them. The plus side is that since I didn't really fight it this time, it only lasted two days. The last time it lasted more then that. I guess that's progress, right?

Up next, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the anniversary of her death. That's going to be REALLY hard. I don't even know what to do on that day. It's not like I can make a cake or something. I went to our church last year, not sure if I can do that again, this year. Guess we'll find out *sigh* the only easy day was yesterday....

Thank you for all the kind words on Monday. I felt all the good vibes and they did help a lot. I don't even want to think how I would be without all of you. Thank you!

Nov 2, 2009

Happy Birthday, Mom.

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 29 friends have commented
My little sister, my beautiful mom, handsome dad, and myself at my older sister's wedding. That was such a fun day and a great memory.

My parents at one of their MANY Halloween parties. Yes, that's my mom grabbing my dad's!

She would be almost 70 today. I would probably have sent her flowers or we would be going up there this coming weekend. Instead, I'll bake a cake or something a sing her a little song. I knew this day was coming up, how could I forget? And I just kind of pushed it to the back of my mind, thinking I'll deal with it later. Well, it's later. Here I am sorting through these damn emotions again *sigh* It is better, so that's a plus, right? I'm not scared of falling into the Pit of Despair....improvement my friends. No matter how small these steps are, they are still steps.

As much as I would like to crawl into my bed and just be with my sad thoughts today, I know that isn't best for me. So I'll bake her cake today, shed a tear and move on with my day. Not because I have to, but because I know she would want me to. I know she doesn't want me stewing in my grief, plus it isn't healthy for me. I'll sing her a song and then blow out the candles, wishing I wasn't doing it alone, but knowing she is here still.

I love and miss you more then I can ever put into words. I miss calling you just because. I miss hearing your voice. I miss smelling your "mom scent". But most of all I miss hearing "I love you". I hope you're celebrating with your mom and brother today. Know even though you're missed terribly, you're never forgotten.

Oct 30, 2009

If I'm Going Down...

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 21 friends have commented
I'm going to go down with a FIGHT! Lately, I've been feeling as if going to school is a waste of time. I know it isn't, but all this time I'm spending away from my family is rough on me. It isn't so much that I'm away from them all the time, yeah Tuesdays suck, but that's only one day a week. It's that Dirty and I went into this with the idea of me going to school was going to supplement our income. He wouldn't get another job and he wold stay home with the kids.He'd draw his unemployment until he couldn't anymore and then when that ended, we would have my financial aid to fall back on. We would even have a few months where we could get BOTH. My financial aid and grant money would just sit in the bank and we would live off his unemployment. Sounds like a pretty responsible plan, right? Well no, it isn't. Because I haven't gotten ONE dime from ANYBODY! AND to top it off, I have a pretty $2,000 bill with my name on it at the school. This should be paid in December when I get my grant money, but this was suppose to be paid before I started school.

I've called financial aid many times and have been told that my application will be processed at the end of October. Well here it is, then end of October and I haven't heard shit from anyone. I need to register fro winter term in a few weeks, but I won't be able to do that until financial aid pays my FALL term. And if they don't pay for that, then I can't register for winter term and I'm screwed for my grants and loans for the rest of the year. I've held up my end of the bargain this whole time. I've gone to every one of my classes and I'm getting an A in everyone, yet I still feel as if I'm getting screwed. What the hell am I going to do if this term doesn't get paid for? I don't get the credits I've earned and I really did waste my time. All this time away from the kids and Dirty will be for nothing. The field trips I've missed, the volleyball games I've missed, all of it...a waste of time!

I'm going to talk to my campus today and see what I can do because I really have no clue. I'm going to apply for every scholarship I can find in the hopes of SOMETHING good coming my way. I'm going to try not to stress about this, but it isn't going to be easy. I can't get it out of my head. I can't stop thinking about the worse case scenario. Which is I have to drop out and I screw myself for the rest of the year *sigh* Please send me some vibes, I could really use them. Just some calming vibes, some clarity ones too. ANYTHING!

Oct 25, 2009

Puttin a Call Out For a Friend

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 4 friends have commented
Phoebe from Tales from the Phoenix posted about some meds that she's in need of. If anyone out there has ANY of these meds, can you please contact her through her blog?! Or if you possibly know someone who has some meds to donate?

Phoebe is a very special woman to me. She has helped pull me out of my grief hole many times. She understands what I've gone through better then I understand it sometimes. If this blog post can help her in anyway, then I'm down! So, lets get the phone tree ringing, the emails flowing and start asking around, please!

Have a wonderful week!

Oct 22, 2009


Musings of A Beautiful Mess 20 friends have commented

My MIL just sent this to me and I cried as I read it. I've had a case of The Grumps since last night. I couldn't quite figure out why I was being so pissy and having this inner dialog telling everyone to fuck off, but I was. I wasn't being TOO bitchy on the outside, but on the inside, I really just wanted everyone to leave me alone. Don't ask me for anything, cook your own damn dinner, don't talk to me about your computer game, don't have an endless conversation with me about your boyfriend, because really, I could care less about EVERYTHING! But if I talk and am not listened to, I pouted. I seriously pouted *sigh* last night and this morning have no been pretty.

Then I read that email and I was like "HA! That's IT! Nobody understands me, I'm being taken for granted" blah blah blah, whine, whine, cry, feel sorry for myself. Then I kept reading and was like "shit! I'm being crabby for no reason then just being crabby. Nobody has done anything to make me feel this way!" My family and the *coughmanycough* people that live here are NOT mind readers. If I'm feeling like things are getting to be a bit too much around here, I need to speak up. If I'm feeling crowded or being asked too many things, I can delegate! It really is OK! Dirty is MORE then capable of doing stuff around here, too. BUT...just because he doesn't do them like I do, doesn't mean it isn't "right". Hey, it's getting done, right? Right! Nobody runs this house like I do and that, my friends is just fine! This girl needs to speak up more and stop talking to herself so much. isn't working :-|

If you read the little story below, change the situation if you'd like to make it "work" for you. But it's a good read, it woke me up. Or just pass on it and tell me to STFU and quit being a whinny brat, because that works, too ;o)

Invisible Mother....

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.

    Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'


    No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

    I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

    Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

    I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going; she's going; she is gone!

    One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England ..

    Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in.

    I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself.

    I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.'

    It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe ..

    I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:

    My Dear Friend, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

    In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:

    No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.

    These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.

    They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.

    The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

    A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees'

    I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.

    It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

    At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life.

    It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

    I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

    The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

    When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're going to love it there.'

    As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right.

    And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Oct 20, 2009

Getting The Kinks Out.

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 22 friends have commented
Oooohhhh just THINK of all the crazy hit I'll get with THAT title! *evil laugh*

Now that we're in the full swing of me going to school, the kinks are starting to pop out and get worked out. It's all been trial and error thus far. We've been in situations such as these, but not to this extent. It's becoming stressful for everyone involved, this balancing act we're doing. I'm not as home as much, which we obviously knew was going to happen, but what we didn't expect was that feelings were going to get hurt. We were prepared for the children to act up or out, suffer in school possibly, or be clingy to either Dirty or myself. We prepared the house hold chores, the cooking duties and separating homework time from family/computer time etc. BUT what we didn't prepare ourselves for was the lack of quality time and the stress it's causing between Dirty and myself.

It's not that we aren't focused on each other, but not as much as we were. We use to have all day to spend time together, now I feel as if I have to "schedule" it in. And it sucks, A LOT! Tuesdays are the worst and as much as I tell myself "suck it up, accept it, it won't be like this forever" it isn't working. Tuesdays go to math class (which I'm getting an A in AND I got an A on the test w00tz!!) from 3-5 then I have another class from 6-9. I'm pretty much gone all evening long. I usually only see Zilla in the morning, but that doesn't really count because coffee hasn't been consumed and he's not fully awake. I get home a little after 9, give him a kiss if he's awake and that's it. I get to spend an hour with Nae before she goes to bed, so that's good. But what about time with the husband? I feel like our time together is always being scheduled. It's in between homework, before bed, before taking the children to school, picking them up, or before Nae's volleyball games. It's like there's always SOMETHING to do. Dinner has to be made, homework needs to be done, laundry needs to be done, and of course sleep. By the time it's bedtime, we both crash. Not only because we're tired, but because it feels like we're running around and stressed out because of it.

Marriage is work, that I've known forever and it's true. Nobody has the "perfect" relationship, but adding in a bunch of stress makes things harder. I know this is all part of the "school package" but I just wasn't prepared for it. I didn't prepare to miss my husband so much. I didn't prepare that he would miss me so much. I took for granted all the times we did nothing because we had all day to spend together.

I love spending time with Dirty, he's truly my best friend. And I miss the times we'd sit around all day or walk around Lowe's because we were bored. I know I'm being a bit over dramatic here, but it's how I feel right now. Mostly because I'm not a fan of Tuesdays. Although, we do have a bit of a plan in place as of today. I won't go to class early, go with him to pick up Zilla and then they'll drop me off at school. We might not be able to do this every week, but this week we can and I'm grateful for the few extra minutes I'm going to get to spend with Zilla and Dirty.

Oct 10, 2009

Time Management, I've Got It, I think?

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 22 friends have commented
So far, I think I'm doing fairly well with time management. I haven't yet feel pressured for time to get things done. I am able to do a lot of studying at the school, either before classes or in between classes. I've been able to get my homework done way before it's due and I tackled my first math test on Thursday. I was one of the last people done because I was anal about checking my answers no less then three times. I checked every answer AS I got it, I checked them all when I was done and THEN checked them after that. I didn't have to make any corrections, so I'm assuming I did well on it. I felt like I did well, so that counts for something, right?

My writing class is so interesting! Not only because I love writing. I'm not learning as much as I would hoped, but I am finding the courage to expand upon my writing. The essay I'm writing is about my mom's funeral. I didn't intend on it being about that day, but that's where it ended up. It's a pretty powerful essay, so far and it can only get better. It's by no means perfect, but it isn't bad, either. I haven't let anyone read it, yet. I'm nervous. We are in groups of three and four and on Monday is when someone, other then myself will read it. EEK!

I did bring a little infertility knowledge to my first class, though! I was very proud of myself and thought of all my AMAZING bloggy friends. Our instructor asked us what we were proud of and wanted us to tell the class a little something about ourselves. I said I was proud of my determination not to give up on adding to our family after 5 years of trying. Then one of the essays in our book dealt with human cloning and they said "implanted an embryo", I said "actually you can't IMPLANT and embryo, it can only be TRANSFERRED." HA! Take the people how don't know what you're talking about! I even made a note of it in the book. The next student that gets that book is gonna wonder WTF I was doing, but I'm spreading the word, DAMMIT!

Anyway, so far school is going well. I haven't felt to overwhelmed, but that could change at any time. Things at home are going well. Nobody seems to be adversely affected about my going back to school. Our sex life has suffered a bit, but I can't blame that solely on school. We have all been battling this Death Cold and are ALL wiped! Dirty and I have suffered the most. We don't have the luxury of being catered to when sick. We can't just lay in bed all day like the children can. Plus they tend to bounce back quicker. Damn them!

Flying Monkeys gave me an award! Thanks, love! I know that over the summer, a few bloggers gave me awards and I didn't accept them. I'm truly sorry about that. I have no excuses as to why, I'm just sorry. I will be a better receiver of awards, if I get any more :o) Here's the run down...

Here are the rules for the Over The Top Award:
  • USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best. (I say parenthetical thoughts don't count!)
  • Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know that you think they are 'Over the Top'!
1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2.Your hair? Straight
3. Your mother? Everywhere
4. Your father? Sisters
5. Your favorite food? Cheese
6. Your dream last night? None
7. Your favorite drink? Coffee (or beer or tequila and vodka or...)
8. Your dream/goal? RN
9. What room are you in? Family (room)
10. Your hobby? Blogging
11. Your fear? Failure
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Degreed ;o)
13. Where were you last night? Home (ahhh sweet sweet home)
14. Something that you aren’t? Tall
15. Muffins? Cranberry
16. Wish list item? Laptop
17. Where did you grow up? Oregon
18. Last thing you did? Tweeted
19. What are you wearing? PJ's
20. Your TV? Music
21. Your pets? Turtle
22. Friends? Fewer
23. Your life? Content
24. Your mood? Calm
25. Missing someone? Always
26. Vehicle? White (and old)
27. Something you’re not wearing? Bra (oooohh same here!)
28. Your favorite store? Coach!!!
29. Your favorite color? Pink
30. When was the last time you laughed? Today (but yesterday I got the giggles in computer class)
31. Last time you cried? Weeks
32. Your best friend? Hubby
33. One place that I go to over and over? School
34. One person who emails me regularly? Jules (Musgy, MIL, dad...)
35. Favorite place to eat? Olive Garden *drooling*

I can't tag anyone for this because I've seen this on quite a few blogs already. If you haven't been tagged and want to do it, have it! Let me kn ow so I can read it, please.

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