Dec 19, 2009

Time To Move On

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
Dear Peaches,

Remember when we met, almost 13 years ago? We were so young and such different people. Changing is to be expected, especially given how close we once were. We did a lot of fun things and we have many memories of those times. I wouldn't take a moment of the good times because they were a lot of fun. I'll always hold those memories close to my heart and think of them with a smile on my face.

I'm pretty sure the moment our friendship changed was when you and The Y got a divorce. Things between us weren't bad before then. Sure we had some disagreements and frustrations, but we could always laugh them off or talk them through. Then you two got your divorce and you changed. You become someone I didn't know anymore. I don't know if you were trying to recapture the youth you missed because you married young and had your babies starting at 17. That's what I told myself and others. When people would come up to me and say "WTH is wrong with Peaches?! Why isn't she at home with her children?" I would always shrug my shoulders and say "I'm not in her position, so I can't say. I've never been divorced and had nowhere to go. She's probably trying to find herself." I was always honest with you, never did I lie to you. Never did I say "yeah that's a great idea, do it!" I always gave you my honest opinion, when you asked. Never once did I turn my back on you. Not once! Even when I thought you were making a HUGE mistake by moving to Washington with your boyfriend and leaving your children here. I did tell you I didn't think it was something I would do, but once again, I'm not you. I supported you and your decisions. I even stepped in as a mother figure to your children. I raised them for almost two years while you were in a different state. I made their dinners, got them off to school, talked to their teaches, picked them up from school and help them while they cried. I even stood up for you when they were made at you for leaving. You didn't know that did you? Know why? Because I didn't say a damn thing to you about it. Maybe I should have. Maybe if I did, your children wouldn't be as lost as they are right now. Who know? Can't change the past now, all I can do is accept the choices I made in the best interests of your children and mine. Personally, I think I pretty damn good job raising FIVE children for almost two years. Kudos and pats on the back for me! Even though I didn't do it for accolades, I did it because I love your children like they're my own.

What happened when things were going bad for you and Boyfriend? Who listened to you cry on the phone? Who would call you to talk about something and never interrupt you when the conversation inevitably steered toward you? That would be me! Who didn't say much about the deep dark hole I was in last year because the support I would've received wouldn't have been worth it? Yep, that's me again. I'm not saying all of this because I want to get credit for them, I'm simply saying them because I want you too SEE that our friendship ending the way it is, is not MY fault.

Dirty and I took you in with no questions asked when you showed up on our doorstep six months ago because that's what friends do. You help each other when their in need. I unpacked your belongings and put away the reminders of Boyfriend when you were at your mom's that weekend, you didn't know that. I did it because I knew putting all of those things in a bag and then putting it in the garage would have hurt you. I don't want you to be hurt because I love you. I would have done everything in my power to take your pain away. I didn't say shit when you started putting up pictures of your kids in my house because maybe seeing their pictures were making this place feel like home to you. I do love your kids, but having more pictures of them in my home then my own, well that kind of irked me. It was temporary and it made you feel a little bit better, so I didn't say anything.

I cooked meals for you, cleaned up messes and took care of a lot of things for you. When I was doing laundry and you were outside tanning, I didn't mind. It wasn't your laundry after all, why should you do it? When I cleaned up the house while you were at the lake with your friends, I was a bit miffed, but once again, it wasn't YOUR mess. It was our mess, you should be expected to clean it up. When you cleaned the bathroom a few times for me, I was SO excited! I loath and detest cleaning the bathroom and the fact that you did, well I was beaming with happiness. When you cleaned the kitchen a few times, I was always grateful and always showed my appreciation. I thought I made our living arrangement pretty smooth. It wasn't perfect, but I felt I did my best to give you space. You had a dresser to put your clothing in AND most importantly you had a roof over your head.

When you got your grant check and gave us $100, we thanked you and showed you our appreciation. We weren't bitter that you got your money before I did. We were actually happy that you got some money Because you were struggling. You didn't know how you were going to buy shampoo and razors, the money came at the perfect time for you. And to be honest, for us too. You aren't a very easy person to buy things for. You don't like grocery store shampoo or disposable razors. So, buying your things wasn't cheap. But we did it anyway because not being able to buy your own razors would suck, a lot!

Things got a bit stressful when we started school. It wasn't easy to figure out how I was going to cook dinners on Monday nights since I had to be at school at dinner time. I did ask you to pitch in a bit, but then your wrist started to hurt you and you never made dinner. Even though, you were here, at the house, when I was at school. You saw me making a menu or making a dinner early in the day and only said "why don't you just have Dirty make dinner? You know he's capable of it." "Yes he is capable of it, but I think the children are sick of eating fish sticks or grilled cheese soup every Monday." You never offered to make dinner, but you sure had no problem eating the dinner I made. That's when things started going downhill, for my at least. I started to resent your "carefree lifestyle" while I struggled to do household chores. I would get pissed off when you would waltz in the door after a night of drinking and partying because you had no responsibilities. I didn't resent that you were going out, no not at all. I didn't WANT to go out, I would have rather stayed at home. What I did resent you for, was the fact that this whole house had to suffer for your choices. We all had to deal with your pissy ass mood because you had a hangover. I had to listen to you bitch about how the food I'm making is going to make you throw up. Psstt...get over yourself.

Shit REALLY hit the fan when you got your school money and proceeded to buy stuff for yourself and NOT even offer us a dime! You heard us talking about how much the cable and power bills were, yet you didn't even offer us $50 to help out. You did, however, go get your hair cut, buy yourself a new pair of pants and a bra. Yeah they may have amounted to a total of $50, but you could have offered that to your friends who have taken care of you for the past six months. But you didn't and that's why I had the talk with you the other night. Not because I'm jealous that you had over $2,000 in your bank account and I didn't. I was hurt that you thought of yourself before you thought of me. Yeah, I shouldn't be surprised because that's why you are, but I was and still am. When you gave me $100 and didn't say a word to me, I lost any respect I had for you. Which, by the way, wasn't much. In that moment, our friendship ended. Not because of money, but because you couldn't take a time out and think "hey, I should talk to these people who took me in when I had NOWHERE to go. I should offer them something instead of going to get my hair cut." But *sigh* you didn't. You, as usual, thought of only yourself.

I truly wish you the very best in your new apartment, I honestly do. I wish you nothing but happiness. I only wish I could be there to see you grow up and be responsible. If we do come out of this, it won't be like it was before. I won't let you get close to me again. I'm sure you think you're in the right here, but let me assure you, you are not. What you did was rude and selfish.

We had good times and bad times. Despite everything, I will remember the good times.
Good luck with everything,
Me

20 friends have commented:

Jaymee on December 19, 2009 at 2:34 PM said...

so sorry that you were in this situation, it is hard to be a friend to someone who can be thoughtless. i hope that you are able to heal form this with the grace that you have healed from so many other bad times. super huge hugs.

Sunny on December 19, 2009 at 2:48 PM said...

((((hugs)))) for having to make this difficult separation. I hope it was a good release for your heart to write this letter. Maybe one day she will grow up, get some perspective on the situation, and offer a heartfelt apology taking advantage of your generosity. If not, we can only hope that her children do not follow in her footsteps!

Dolli-Mama on December 19, 2009 at 4:06 PM said...

Wow. I am sorry that you had to go through this. I have had friends take advantage of me before, and it sucks. My mom has been through similar sitations, where we loaned people cars and let them live with us and bought their groceries and took care of their kids. The one person my parents helped the most tried to get my mom fired from her job, she was so mad for something stupid. The one thing I learned from all of that is that the only thing I can control is my attitude. When I give something away to someone else, it has to be a gift, and I can't expect anything in return. If it is going to cost my family and can't be replaced, I shouldn't give it. Because I have never, ever know anyone who has paid back in the same way it was given to them. It's sad but true.
I'm so sorry for everything. I have you are blessed with another friend who gets how truely great you are!

Raelene on December 19, 2009 at 7:01 PM said...

She doesn't deserve you. I'm glad you know that.

Kristin on December 19, 2009 at 8:27 PM said...

I am so sorry you have had to go through this. {{{Hugs}}} I hope someday she grows up enough to appreciate what you did.

Erin on December 20, 2009 at 7:07 AM said...

I'm glad you are moving away from her and on :) Painful as stuff like this is, it needs to happen. I hope I can be as strong.

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL on December 20, 2009 at 10:21 AM said...

Stay strong, Dani! I know writing this note and severing your friendship with Peaches is hurtful even if it is the right thing to do. (((HUGS!)))

gerardinebaugh on December 20, 2009 at 11:36 AM said...

I have known people like your friend. Sadly they don’t see what they are dong, because they don’t want to! If they did, they would have to make up for it. And that would be bad for them. Extra work..

People like your friend, will get angry when they read this. They won’t see themselves as selfish. Not at all!

I assume that she took her children with when she left. The bad thing is they will either learn to act like their mother.
Or...
I am crossing my fingers they learned how to go through life like you.

You may never make up with her. Unless you apologize for wanting her to grow up, Don’t do it!

Some people take years, I mean years to see what they did wrong. Others say they see it, because it is just another way to take advantage, again.

If she ever moves back in with you, set up rules or she is out. Pay weekly, set up chores; rules; (no coming in after certain hours-it is your home)

Helping people makes us feel better, but there are times we have to do the ‘tough love’ I am so sorry you have such a lumpof hurt in you stomach, aching during the holidays.
You are a sweet person.
Happy Holidays and Happy New Year.
Gerardine

Dora on December 20, 2009 at 4:17 PM said...

Dani, what you wrote is more than fair. I can only imagine how how it was to do. You are an awesome friend, but friendships need to be two way streets. Of course, sometimes someone will be giving more, but if it's ALWAYS you, it can't be sustained. Hang in there. Big hug.

Terra on December 20, 2009 at 5:34 PM said...

oh my, oh my. I am so sorry - it is so hard to be a giver to a taker. This was beautifully written and you can feel good about who you are.

Kayla on December 20, 2009 at 5:35 PM said...

I just found your blog and started reading. I am really sorry to hear that you were in a situation like that and what appears to be, taken for granted. Hopefully Peaches will look back one day and realize that they could have been a better friend..

MoxieMamaKC on December 21, 2009 at 8:56 AM said...

What a horrible situation! You did your best for being a friend and sometimes you just need to walk away, unfortunately. At least you can say you did your best!! Hang in there!

Mischief Maker on December 21, 2009 at 12:25 PM said...

Change is hard. Love you D!

Quiet Dreams on December 21, 2009 at 4:35 PM said...

I am so sorry. Reading what you've written about your relationship with Peaches over the past few months, I have hurt for you and gotten frustrated for you. I'm sorry it's turned out this way.

tomi on December 21, 2009 at 6:30 PM said...

(((HUGS)))

I am so sorry that a friendship like that had to go the way it did, and hope that P will maybe one day realise her mistakes.

ps: you're not a stalker :p xoxo

CanadianMama on December 22, 2009 at 9:56 AM said...

I am SO proud of you for standing up for yourself against Peaches. I know it's so much harder when you have history but it needed to be done. You? Rock!
Just think, now you have much more room in your life for supportive people - people like you!

JamieD on December 23, 2009 at 5:38 PM said...

I am so sorry Peaches stay with you ended like this. You showed her so much love and acceptance, you really deserved more in return.

Chayce's Momma on December 30, 2009 at 10:03 AM said...

It is so amazing how ungrateful people can be. I am sorry you have had to go through this but I am glad it is coming to an end.

I am a lot like you, where I would do anything for my friends whether they appreciate it or not, and I know that it hurts when people take you for granted. Hopefully she will come around someday and realize what a lifesaver you have been.

Flying Monkeys on January 4, 2010 at 7:43 PM said...

I'm sure it's hard to stop worrying about her even though she's hurt you so much. ((hugs))
Some relationships are too toxic to continue.

Kimbosue on January 5, 2010 at 6:26 PM said...

That was a doozy of a letter! But very truthful and from the heart. I do hope y'all can get back in touch but understand that things will be different. I have similar relationship.
HUGS

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