May 31, 2009
Lemon Bars....from SCRATCH!
I've been in this fun place where I actually WANT to try to cook/bake things I've never cooked/baked before. I am actually have a lot of fun, too! Usually when I try a new recipe, I freak out because I'm afraid it's going to taste horrible and nobody will want to eat it. Then, I'll be cranky and pissed off because not only did I waste money, but I wasted time and effort.
I got out my trusty cookbooks and marked a bunch of recipes to try, that I've never tried before. So far, every single one of them have turned out YUMMY! I can't take ALL the credit for them because Celia said she would help me if I had any questions. Silly woman gave me her email address and told me she doesn't mind when I email her and ask her cooking questions. She said she LOVES to answer my questions. I don't know how many times she has rolled her eyes at my question because she's been so kind and so gracious when answering my emails. THANK YOU CELIA, YOU ROCK!
The lemon bars pictured at the top were a HUGE hit! So much so that they disappeared very quickly and I was asked "when are you making another batch?" That one was added to the "keeper" list.
Crab cakes...from scratch
The crab cakes were really good. I thought they were a bit bland, but I was going for REALLY spicy. My dad and Husband really liked them. I might need to adjust the recipe a bit and add more breadcrumbs so the bits of crab will actually STAY in the cake. This one is on the "keeper" list, as well *YAY*
Chicken pot pie....from scratch-ish
This one is chicken pot pie. I was REALLY scared to try this one because I had NEVER done ANYTHING like this before. I didn't make my own pie crusts, but I did make my own chicken stock and used that instead of canned. Celia and In Due Time both helped me with this when I had a few questions about the stock. Thanks ladies! The chicken pot pie was SO delicious! Everyone had seconds and I've been asked to make it again! SCORE! Another keeper!
There will be lots and lots of experimenting and many more questions AND more pictures. I will admit when I've failed at something, so it won't ALWAYS be rainbows and sunshine!
Head on over to Mel's and see what the rest of the class is showing.
May 30, 2009
I'm calling this "Lucky 7's".
You know the drill:
Mention the person who tagged you...DONE
Answer the 7 questions with 7 answers each...workin on it
Tag 7 bloggers & let them know you've tagged them..I think I'm just going to tag Ellen..we'll see
Here we go!!
7 All-time Favorite books:
1. Nora Roberts, Red Lilly...actually ANYTHING by her I love!
3. Da Vinchi Code
4. The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe
5. Dolores Claiborne
6. Where the Heart is
7. Loves Music, Loves To Dance
7 All-time Favorite movies:
1. Mama Mia
3. Dirty Dancing
5. Erin Brockovich
6. Pretty Woman
7 Things you must have on your person at all times:
1. Cell phone
5. Wedding ring
6. Change pouch
7. Hair tie
7 Things that make you happy:
4. Sunny weather
5. Bloggy friends
7 Words that best describe you:
7 Jobs you wish you could have:
2. Personal shopper
3. Lottery-winner (is that a job?)<--totally using this one because it could be a job!
6. Advertising..just so I had control over stupid commercials
7. Marine biologist
7 All-time Favorite TV shows:
2. Grey's Anatomy
3. Paranormal State
4. Swing Town
5. The L Word
6. Private Practice
7. Burn Notice
7 Favorite baby names (male or female ok):
7 Websites you check out every day, no matter what:
6. Google Reader
Ok, I'm tagging ...
And anyone else who hasn't done one of these and wants too!
May 29, 2009
My husband, whom I dearly love, has a way with words that makes me see red, sometimes. My first reaction is to wrap my hands around his neck. Usually when this happens I'm in full fledged PMS mode, so I take a deep breath and think twice about it. Since he is still alive, I am fairly good about keeping those PMS emotions in check *YAY* go me!
The last time this happened, it took me awhile to overcome the "if you don't shut your mouth and step away from me right NOW I will not be accountable for my actions" emotion that bubbled to the surface right away. I had just got done watching the Farah Fawcett Story and was thinking it over. I choked up a bit because DAMN it was sad, but I truly wasn't putting myself in anyone's place. I was just watching the show. I didn't put myself in her son's place. I didn't ever think once "damn, dude I know how ya feel" or "been there done THAT". Yes, I was just coming off a HUGE emotional tidal wave, but I really was OK with watching that movie. It didn't make me any more sad then I already was. I get that Husband is concerned and I appreciate that. I also get that he is a matter of fact type of guy. I appreciate that, as well. There is no way for one not to know how my husband feels about them. He's generally more sensitive with people's feelings if he loves them, like me and my feelings. Occasionally he does say things a bit too gruff for my overly sensitive self. Which he did do that night. He told me I needed to stop "wallowing" in my misery. Yeah, I didn't take it so well either.
He explained to me that it's hard for him to see me so sad and hurt and he does want to help me, but he doesn't know how when I blanket myself with sadness. He said that after a full 5 minutes of the "Death Glare" and silence. After that 5 minutes, I got what he was saying. I sat there and thought about the past few weeks and thought about how I have been acting and what I was doing. And DAMMIT! He was right. Which pissed me off even more. It's true that I do/did feel more comfortable surrounding myself with sadness because I can relate to that! If my heart is already broken and I'm in pain, there's no way I can be hurt MORE if I am surrounding myself with more pain and suffering. It's my safety net. If I allow myself to be happy, then the fall is going to hurt THAT much more. But if I'm sad and read/watch sad things, then when the inevitable does happen, well no harm no foul, I'm already there.
The problem with this thinking and way of life, is that I'm dwelling on all the pain. Not just in my life but EVERYWHERE! I'm turning into a sad, sad person. I am not seeing the happiness. I'm not seeing joy that life is. I'm a downer and then I become pissy and bitchy. That's no way to live life. Whatever happened to all the rainbows and sunshine? They couldn't have died with my mom. Life HAS to go on and it has to actually be a life. Not a fake life full of fake happiness. My mom's memory deserves better then that. I deserve better then that! If I were to put myself in her place, would I want my children not to be happy? Hell no! I would want them to be happy and actually LIVE their lives.
As much as I hate to admit this, and trust me I really do! My husband was right *sigh* He possibly could have said it a different way, but then again, he wouldn't be who he was if he did. But he was and is right. SHIT!
Since that conversation, things have been better for me, on the inside. I think I struggled a lot with moving on. Not just facing reality per se, but actually moving on. Not being bitter, not being snide, and not staying home because it's "safe". I've let ago a lot of the resentment I held about how I was treated by certain people since my mom died. I realized that there are people who "get it" and there are people who just don't. And that is OK. I stopped kicking myself for shutting down and taking three years to FINALLY grieve. I'm looking into the future. I'm allowing myself to grow and I'm allowing people around me to grow. I'm offering support when needed because I want to, not because it's the right thing to do and I would expect it if the tables were turned.
It feels good. It feels refreshing! It feels good to share in the good news. It feels good to offer support for the bad news, but not let it become me. I am not defined by the bad things that have happened or that happen in my life. I am defined by who I am and who I choose to surround myself with.
May 26, 2009
To do list (i.e. “the rules”):
- Mention the personS who tagged me, DONE.
- Complete the list of 8’s, DONE.
- Tag 8 bloggers & tell them I tagged them, check..ish.
Eight things I am looking forward to:
- June 19th! Last day of school..YAY!!!
- June 28th, my 16th(!) anniversary. I'm thinking "Coach"
- Lounging in a pool with a margarita
- A nice tan
- Experimentation with some new meal ideas
- Husband deciding if he wants to do The Thing he's been talking about doing
- Going to the beach this summer
- Running more then a mile
Eight things I did yesterday:
- Cooked an awesome dinner
- Got to know my neighbors
- Hung out with my daddio
- Folded my MOUNTAIN of laundry
- Gave a friend some support
- Enjoyed our beautiful weather
- Watched Cake Boss and cried :-|
- Talked to my BFF on the phone
Eight things I wish I could do:
- Run away from this small town
- Convince my dad to move here
- Open minds
- Listen to my inner voice more often
- Give real hugs instead of virtual hugs
- Convince my sister she's better without her boyfriend
- Vacation in Tahiti
Eight shows I watch:
- Burn Notice *dreamy sigh*
- Grey's Anatomy
- Private Practice
- Throw down With Bobby Flay
- Deadliest Catch
- The Mentalist
- Ghost Hunters
Eight favorite fruits:
- Green Apples
Eight places I’d like to travel:
- Washington DC
- South Africa
Eight places I’ve lived:
(in no particular order)
- Simi Valley California
- Vancouver, Washington
- Lake Oswego, Oregon
- Sherwood, Oregon
- Newberg, Oregon
- San Diego, California
- Tualatin, Oregon
- Beaverton, Oregon
People I’ve tagged:
Mugsy at Drive Fast, Take Chances
Katie at Isn't TTC Suppose To Be Fun?!
Sunny at Sunny in Seattle
Jenn at The Infertile Sushi-Loving Princess
Katie at The Happy Hours
Tara at The Johnson's Have Angle Wings
Liv at The Life of Liv
Ahhhh all done! Sorry it took me so long, but I FINALLY did it!
May 22, 2009
I've been singing *off key* the song "Anniversary" by Tony Toni Tone since yesterday. BUT because I'm SUCH a nerd I sing "blogoversary" instead of "anniversary". Yes, I did date myself and admitted that I use to listen to that group.
So a year ago today I started this little blog. I came over from Yahoo360 and while I enjoyed it, it had it's bugs. So I came here to Blogger and am having a great time!
I didn't intend on this blog to be all about grief and my mom dying, but that's what ended up happening. I really thought I had already done that. I thought I had done that over there. I thought this was going to be my fresh start. A place where I didn't have to look at the entry where we found out my mom had cancer. I thought I wouldn't have to see the entry about her funeral. I figured it was a step in the healing process. Like I said, a fresh start.
I went to my therapist and even "graduated" from being a mess to being able to go out in public! I was very excited that day. The time when I was blogging over at Yahoo was my dark period. I was full of sadness, I might have even been full of anger. I'm not really sure as I haven't been over there to read anything in a long time. I'm not sure it would be a good thing to go over there and be over come with all of those emotions all over again. I think it would just put me back in that place. A place, I feel, I've walked far from. Walked, not ran from.
Today, I am grateful I made that change. If I hadn't made that change, I wouldn't have the support I have now. If I hadn't of made that change, I would be the person I am right now. I wouldn't be as healed as I am right now. I've met so many people who have picked me up or cheered with me. I wish I had the mental capacity to name them all, but I don't. I'm sure you know who you are, though. At least, I hope you know how you are!
It's been a year. This year has had it's ups and downs, tears and laughter, but they have been with friends. That has what made this past year amazing and memorable. There isn't one part of this year, I would want to change if it meant I wouldn't have any one of you in my life.
Here's to another year of blogging and MORE! *raises glass*
Thank you for making memories with me.
May 21, 2009
Last month, I did a little bit of an intro and I did the ABC's of me, as well. I'd do it again, but I don't think my simple little brain can do it with new and exciting nuggets of myself. So I'll just give ya a bit of a rundown about myself. I'm also going to link up this biotch. I had this BRIGHT idea last night and it might be fun. Lets see...
Here is my first post. Which is ALMOST a year ago! Tomorrow is my blogoversary! So excited about that. My life isn't very exciting. Except for blogging. That's my excitement and my guilty pleasure.
My mom passed away a little over 3 years ago and I ran from dealing with it until THIS year. I went to the church we had her funeral at for the first time in January. That was a tough thing to do. It did help me face reality, even though it was and still is pretty painful. Through friends and family, I've been able to get very far in this whole thing called "grieving". It is not an easy task, although it is easier when I've got so much support to help me though it.
My family means a lot to me, obviously. My dad and my sister are pretty amazing. We've always been a close family and have only gotten closer since my mom passed. My husband is pretty much my rock. He's been very patient with me and very caring. Sometimes he tends to say things that it takes me a minute to understand what he's saying, but once I think about it, the fury subsides.
At the moment, all is well in my little world. My dad is coming for a visit and he'll be spending a long weekend with us! I'm SO excited! It's been WAY too long since he's stayed for a visit.
I'm going to have to cut this short, as I'm headed out the door to go get my dad. Have fun finding new blogs and reaching out to others. Enjoy your day!
May 18, 2009
I took that picture today after Zilla got home from school. Poor little guy is one tired kid! He should be tired because we did his homework today and he READ a story with little help from me!
When he started school, he was behind..by A LOT! I tried to do preschool with him, but he was not having it. And I really didn't want to push him. I didn't want him to end up hating school before he even started. So, we did fun "kid stuff".
He is our last. he is the one we thought we were never going to have. He is the one we waited 5 years to get pregnant and FINALLY have. This kid saved my life when my mom died. If it wasn't for him, I would've gone to bed. If I didn't have a demanding toddler to take care of, there would be no way I would have made it through each day. Yes, there was Nae, but she was at school all day long. I could have easily gotten her off to school and gone back to bed if it wasn't for Zilla. He and I had days where we would stay in our jammies all day long and eat popcorn and lunch in my bed. But we also had days where we would get on our grubbies and walk in the rain to find worms. We would make mud pies and play with his cars and "guys" in the mud pit in the back yard. Those years were a lot of fun. Just my Zilla and I.
When he started school, they put him in the "all day" program because he didn't know his sounds. He knew a few letters, but didn't know ANY sounds. Poor kid. I felt horrible about that. I still do, but I did my best to let it go and concentrate on getting him caught up. There is no way I would trade one day of our five years together, if it meant he would be "caught up" because nobody else can give him what I gave him. I know this, but I still felt bad that he had to work harder because I didn't teach him his ABC's.
But today? All of our hard work has FINALLY paid off! He read a short story with very little help from me and NO tears from him! He struggled with it the first few times, but after that, he did amazing! I am so proud of him, I could cry! There were many times when he would get so frustrated and cry and I would feel like such an asshole because I didn't teach him before he went to school. But those times are in the past. No more mommy guilt today, Zilla did IT!
Way to go Zilla. We are SO proud of you! Keep up the good work!
**don't mind the ink on his legs. We had a slumber party this weekend and all of Nae's friends used him as a practice canvas. With Sharpies, no less :-|**
The funny thing about this rolling pin is that it's the same one my mom had. And when my MIL handed it to me, I didn't feel one ounce of sadness! I didn't feel like I was feeling left out because this was just one more thing my mom wasn't able to give me. It felt awesome that my husband's mother gave it to me. My "other" mother gave me something that she used for certain holidays to make something for her loved ones.
I know it's just a rolling pin and I'm probably looking into it TOO much, but the fact that I didn't feel any sadness was HUGE!
My rolling pin is marble, so I'm not sure how it'll do with a pie crust, but I'm sure as hell going to try...tomorrow. I can make them and freeze them for pies, pot pies, pie crust cookies..oh SO many things! She even gave me a spring form pan so I can make my cheesecake in! She gave me all kinds of goodies yesterday. I spent a good portion of the evening washing and putting everything away in it's place. I now feel like I have a kitchen! *YAY*
Run along, while I so some baking and see what the rest of the class brought
May 14, 2009
Husband and I started working out again. We did weights and went for a jog. Did you know when you take a month off from working out because your depressed and then sick it's HARD to get back into IT? Really, it is! The weights were fine, but jogging? Not so much! It took everything I had to finish my mile. I did it! But it was harder. THEN it dawned on me that husband increased our pace. I'm convinced he's trying to kill me. He must think I have some fancy life insurance policy. Poor guy doesn't realize how much laundry he'll have to do once he offs me. And dinner..jokes on him! ;o)
Working out is going well. I'm less sore today then I was the days before. YAY for progress! The one thing Id like to find a solution of is my friends needing me for every. little. thing.
Don't get me wrong, I love my friends. I really do! They are a HUGE part of my life. They've helped me when I needed it and when I allowed them to help me. They've come running when I called or backed off when I tell them too. But sometimes, I just can't fix their problems. It's not that I don't care, I do care. I just don't have the energy to care right now. I know that's mean and I probably owe them better, but right now, that's all I've got. I just can't care about you and your boyfriend right now. I can't care that your schedule changed and you MUST stay home and work all day long. I can't care that your bored and you want to go do something, but don't have enough money to go do what you want to do. I can't listen to you whine how your sick and you can barley get out of bed and your boyfriend chose right now to buy you a puppy. I would love to have your problems be my problems, but right now, I can't do that for you.
There is just too much sadness in life right now to care about the small stuff. There have been too many babies taken from their parents. There have been too many negative tests to care about your schedule change. I am still feeling pretty fragile and raw, better then I was last week, but not totally "me".
I'm sure this is all PMS induced, but right now...it's the best I can do. I care about the bigger things right now, not the small ones. Give me some time, friends and I'll care again. Promise!
Sorry for the complete and total random and bitchiness of this post. KISSES!
May 9, 2009
This is what I'm remembering this weekend. My mom. I'm remembering her and I sitting in the sun on my nephew's birthday. I remember us laughing because the top of her head was getting sun burnt and we had to put sunblock on it. I remembering pushing her in her wheelchair so she could watch the kids play in the water. I'm remembering that day, it was so full of joy and fun.
When I think about my mom, I rarely think about the day she died. I can tell you exactly what happened. Right down to the packet the nurse handed to me and what my older sister did when my mom stopped breathing. But I choose to not think about that day, or the weeks that led to that day. I always think about that day in the park, or the drives we would take as a family, or her laugh. Her laugh was amazing and I have her laugh. That laugh is now mine. There is no way to fake it, either. It's almost like a cackle. It's a true laugh. We rarely heard that laugh toward the end, but I can still remember it. Probably because I hear it coming from my body.
I know she loves me and loved me like only a mother can and that's why these past few months, week especially, have been so difficult. Because her love and the love we shared was and is special. It will never die and the sadness I have will lessen, but never go away.
She is a part of me and I a part of her. She is looking down at me with her head cocked to the side and most likely clicking her tongue at me being so sad because she isn't here. I miss her so much, that it is hard to breath sometimes. But it is only because she was an amazing mother to me.
She taught me many things in her 30 years in my life. She taught me that no matter what, I am a strong woman. I am HER daughter and there is nothing more important then that life lesson.
I am remembering my mom, Judy. Not just because she isn't here to be with, but because she is my mom and I her daughter. A bond that will not and can not be broken, no matter what.
Go and see what every one else is showing this week.
May 8, 2009
I felt like crap, but figured it was just the after effects of last week. Oh and I hadn't had anything to eat. So off we went, to go see my MIL at work. I'm texting the whole time to keep my mind of the horribly windy road that makes me sick every time we drive on it. We're listening to music and talking. I'm chipper! In a good mood, even. Still not feeling so fabulous, but it's cool. I'm out of the house! We get to my MIL's work and say our hellos. Husband goes to use the restroom and I'm left alone with my MIL. She asks how everyone is doing. I say we're doing well, have had a rough week, but all is well balh, blah, blah, blah. Being vague, but still letting her know that things were "off" last week. Husband comes out and I grab his keys and MIL's keys to get something out of her car and put into ours. I come back figuring he mentioned something to her about last week. They were both looking at me in a concerned way. I excuse myself to the restroom and I come back to a discussion about Sunday.
*Oh no* Is what I'm thinking, but I put a smile on my face. Husband asks me if I want to go over there on Sunday so he can hook up their new surround-sound system. I TRIED to say something along the lines of "oh maybe we'll see". He then looks at me and quickly tried to get a hold of the situation. He said "oh! We'll talk about it and see what's going on" I then asked if he had told his mom about what happened last week, he said yes they had talked about it. So I look at him and her and say "I honestly don't know if I'm going to be able to do that, but I want to go" I then start to cry and ask for the keys and make a mad dash to our car. I tell MIL goodbye and that i love her and that I'd call her later or email her. She's fumbling and trying to say something to stop the flood, but it's too late. Husband and I both know this, so he waves me off and tells his mom to let me go. Thank Goddess! I get in the car and take deep breaths and calm myself. He gets back in the car and tells me "it's OK, babe. We don't have to go."
I didn't really have a problem with the surprise invitation. I just wasn't prepared for the emotion just thinking about leaving the house on Sunday. He apologized for not handling the situation well. For not preparing me better for the question. he didn't mean to "spring" it on me and put me in the spotlight. I don't know if there would have been a better way to see if I wanted to go, I'm sure there is. That isn't what lead to me crying and then fleeing from her office, it was just so unexpected. The up rise of emotions, that is.
There were a lot of hand pats and "it's OKs" and I'm really sorry's" on the ride home. I tried to explain to him that I really want to want to go over there. But, if I force myself to go two things will happen. 1) I'll be a mess and make everyone uncomfortable by crying or 2) I'll put on my game face and pretend I'm fine. Which is NOT a good idea. He left it up to me. He even offered to call his mom to tell her we won't go and either tell her the truth or just leave it at "we're not going up there". In the end I emailed her today* and told her we won't be going up there. I didn't disclose the real reason, but told her that I'm sick. Which is/was true. I was down with some sort of stomach bug/flu that knocked me on my ass until a few hours ago.
It's not that I don't feel comfortable talking to his mom, I do, but I just can't talk to her about this right now. I know she'll understand, her dad passed away a few weeks before my mom did. It's just different. Their family is SO different from mine, it's hard for me to express my feelings about the whole thing.
I'm not sure what is going to happen on Sunday. I've got "permission" to stay in bed all day and cry or sit on the couch and cry or just chill out. We can make a big deal out of the day or we can just keep it low key. I am open to whatever emotions decide to come to the surface. That's pretty big, for me. That is a step in the right direction. I know I got over a HUGE hurdle last week *all thanks to YOU* and whatever comes next, I'm ready for.
I'm ready for it because of YOU and because of ME.
May 5, 2009
That *picture is to show you exactly how much I am thankful for you! Each petal is a thank you for each and every one of you.
I know, I'm going to fumble this. I know there is no way I could thank ALL of you for your support. You gently held me up so I could crawl out of that hole I was in. I'm not sure if I'm ALL the way out of it, but I know I'm a lot closer then I was. You all took such good care of me when I was at a very low, low. It almost feels as though I am cheating or I don't deserve it because my mom has been gone for three years now. I know that my heart will hurt forever and there will always be a missing part of my soul, but it's not like it happened yesterday. I can't live my life saying "I should have dealt with this when she passed" and I'm really trying not to, BUT..I really wish I would have. Anyway, this is where I'm at. The important thing is that I'm dealing with this NOW *as best as I can* and I have every single one of you to thank for that. I received emails, comments, and text messages filled with support, love and the most kindest heartfelt words. I read them and I cried. I read them and I felt loved. I read them and I knew I wasn't alone. Even if it was a few words and a hug or a paragraph, they meant so much to me. I am humbled by you and I thank you so much. I hope I am able to give you half the support you've given me. I know it isn't "perfect", but honestly without you..I don't even want to know where I would be.
For any one's who's blog I have visited in the past few days and have left a comment that left you wondering "WTF is she thinking/saying?!" Sorry about that. for some reason, my ability to speak through my fingers has left my body. I'm the first to admit that I am less then eloquent, but usually I can type a heartfelt comment. Every time I comment, I mean what I say. But lately, my comments have been less then stellar. If I've offended anyone with a comment or it makes NO sense whatsoever, please accept my apologies. I don't mean to offend, nor do I want to spew nonsense.
I am slowly working my way back to where I was before, but sometimes, it proves to be a bit more difficult then I thought. I am almost there. I'm still feeling pretty raw and fragile. Although, I am accepting these feelings and not rushing myself to be "whole". I can't do that, it doesn't work, anyway. I'm guessing that Monday will be the start of a better week.
Thank you! ((((HUGS))))
* image props
May 4, 2009
I got my package in the mail today from my OMG You Rock Day buddy! Sadly I can't open it up until Sunday. So, it will be sitting on my computer tower awaiting for me to TEAR into it on Sunday.
I don't know who my buddy is, but if you're out there, send me a hello! I'm absolutely going INSANE not knowing who you are!
I'm so happy that Liv decided to do this. I know a lot of you wonderful ladies out there are going to need an extra hug on Sunday, I'm honored to do that. I joined in the fun thinking I was going to give some support, never imagined I would need some myself. That day and the grief that goes along with it, kind of snuck up on me.
Head on over to Mel's and check out what others are bringing to class.
May 1, 2009
The night I cried my poor little heart out was something. I can't quite describe it, I didn't have a moment where I thought "YES, this is what I need to be doing". It was just something that I had no control over. I'll admit, I did try to stop the tears, but clearly I lost the battle. It was good that I got all of it out, I don't regret one moment of that night. The thing is, that now, I feel so raw. I'm not in a fog, I'm really aware of what's going on around me, almost TOO aware. Noises are too loud, lights are too bright, pain is too much, and exhaustion doesn't even cover it. I'm almost shell shocked. It was and is a strange place to be.
Wednesday we had a doctor's appointment for the kids and it took everything I had to fill out that damn paperwork. I was sitting in the office waiting for the doctor and all I could think about was getting the hell out of there. I can't even begin to imagine what that doctor was thinking. He might have thought he should be checking me, rather then the kids. I know I looked HORRIBLE. I don't think I had make-up on and my hair was wet and in a pony tail. Plus I still had the swollen face and bags under my eyes from the night before. I was quite a sight to behold. Once we got home, which is all I thought about the whole time, I felt safer. Not totally safe, but safer. Even though I didn't do a damn thing all night long. When it was time for bed, I actually thought about sleeping on the couch because I was afraid of crying again. The good thing about this thought, is that I recognized it and laid in my bed anyway. I even got all comfy and cozy in it.
Today was worse. Maybe because I knew I didn't have anything to do? I got up, almost on time, got everyone dressed, fed and out the door. Once everyone was gone, I sat on the couch and fell asleep. I was totally out until about 10:30. I woke up not really understanding what was going on in my head. Then Husband suggested that I take a walk with him. When I say "suggested" I mean, he told me to get dressed and we were going for a walk. I really wanted to tell him to fuck off, but I was good and thought that maybe a walk wouldn't be so good. He nudged me to get out because I told him I could picture myself not getting out of bed and staying in bed, didn't seem like such a bad idea. That's not like me at all. I love my sleep and all, but not all day. But this thing, this Purple Gorilla and I could stay in bed all day and just wallow in MY misery. She wouldn't help me because I wouldn't let her, so all we would do is have a pity party. I am glad I got out because it did do me some good, but I just wish it didn't physically hurt me. Every step is painful. Every car that drove by was so loud. The birds were beautiful, but DAMN they are loud for being so small. Laughing sounds fake, my laugh sounds fake. I feel as if I have a sour look permanently on my face. My eyelids feels as if they are taking over my whole face, they are so swollen. The bags beneath them are awfully bruised looking, so sunglasses are my favorite accessory at the time. Mascara is a no no as I don't know when the tears will start coming.
I went on a walk all by myself today and gave myself a moment to take everything in on my terms. The sun was shining, awfully bright, but it didn't hurt as much as it did earlier in the day. I walked very slowly and I thought about my Purple Gorilla. I thought about her walking beside me with her arm around my shoulders. She was telling me that I'll be OK and that it IS OK to let it out. I let the tears fall when the needed too, I didn't stop them. There weren't many, but they needed to be released. I also thought about all my friends *YOU* who've given me so much support these past few days. I thought about The Night of a Thousand Tears. I thought about the wonderful things my husband has done for me the past few days. I thought how silly it was that I cried when he was pouring me a glass of wine. I felt solitude, but not alone. It was very awakening.
At this moment, right now, I'm feeling pretty OK. I'm not totally perfect yet, but I'll be on the OTHER side of healing soon. I know this happened for a reason and that reason is because life goes on. As my body heals from this, my heart will as well.
I've heard from others that you never get "over" this type of a loss, but you do learn to live with it. That you'll always be scarred, but those scares will become memories and not so painful when they heal a bit. I didn't really understand this before. I knew it, but I didn't know it. Now, I do.