Nov 27, 2009

Healing and Thanksgiving

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 17 friends have commented
Thank you to EVERYONE for commenting and/or reading my last post. It wasn't an easy one to write. So thank you for the support, I appreciate it more then I can say.

Thanksgiving was really low key here. It was just the four of us and it was SO nice. There was no stress to get everything done on time, no guests arriving at a certain time and wanting to go before dark or whatever, no having to get dressed up, just us wanting to eat sometime before midnight. I even got to sleep in! Ahhh it was so nice to be able to get up around 11, have a cup of coffee, and surf the Internet before I had to start baking and cooking. Of course, I missed my dad and sister, but they'll be here for Christmas.

After I got the pies done, I prepped my bird. I was a bit worried as to how this turkey was going to turn out because I hadn't even done a turkey by myself before. the last Thanksgiving I did was before my mom died. Zilla was 4 months old, my mom was in a wheel chair, Dirty was working nights and the house was PACKED with my family. But my mom was there and she was able to help me, even though she was in her wheelchair. It was a day of playing pass the baby, praying that my turkey wasn't dry, and hoping there was enough food for everyone. Even though it was a stressful day, if I had any questions, I could turn around and ask my mom. This year, I didn't have that option, obviously.

Even though I didn't have that option, I didn't fall into a hole of depression while nursing a bottle of wine to get me through the day for the first time in almost 4 years. I was confident in my ability to make this dinner, even though I was doing it solo. It might have been because it was just the four of us, but I still did it! Not once did I feel sad or anything! Even when I pulled out some of her and my dad's china to use for dinner, I didn't get that stab of sorrow I'm so use too. I was happy and proud to use it. I used a few pieces of their china, a few pieces of Dirty's parents' and grandparents' china. I told the kids that it was like everyone was with us, it was a nice tradition to start. A tradition I intend to carry it on.

Dinner was wonderful, but the best part of it was the realization that I am healing. I don't know what "healed" looks like or if that is even possible, but I do know this feeling that I have now is pretty amazing. I still miss my mom like crazy, but not sitting on the couch right now in a daze is like a breath of fresh air.

Hopefully Christmas will be just as peaceful as Thanksgiving was. If not, I know I'll get through it. I always do.

Nov 25, 2009

We All Make Mistakes

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 26 friends have commented
Almost three years ago Dirty made a HUGE mistake. Like "I am the dumbest person on Earth and I don't deserve you" mistake. He didn't have an affair or anything like that, but it was pretty dumb.

My mom was dying, his grandfather was dying and we were driving to do some Christmas shopping. Christmas shopping is stressful enough, but add in two dying family members and a distraught wife, well it just makes the whole experience THAT much stressful. Just so you know, I am NOT making excuses for Dirty's behavior, nor has he, I'm simply explaining the situation. Anyway...we were driving down the highway and some guy decides to cut off Dirty. So much so that he had to slam on the breaks, causing my coffee to spill all over the floor. Dirty being a guy, decides to cut this guy off back, stupid idea number 1. Guy gets pissed, rightly so, and merges into our lane so much so that Dirty has to drive into the shoulder to avoid getting hit. Dirty is REALLY pissed off at this point, gets in front of him, stops our truck and GETS OUT OF THE IT! Stupid idea number 2. Guy is taken by surprise, rolls down his window and yells something unkind to Dirty. Dirty gets even MORE pissed, kicks out his leg and MAKES CONTACT WITH GUY'S REAR FENDER! Stupid idea number 3. He is just as surprised as Guy is, but his adrenalin is going and he's pretty shaken up. Not to mention really pissed off at himeself. We continue on down the road and didn't see guy again, apparently he saw US and called the cops. Dirty is apologizing to me and mentally kicking (HAHA) himself for letting the guy get the better of him. We finish our Christmas shopping and go about our Christmas festivities and such. His grandfather passes away on Christmas and before we go to the funeral (a few days later), 2 police officers show up at our door to ARREST DIRTY! He tells them we're on our way to a funeral and he'll "turn himself in" on our way home. Oddly enough they agree. I'm not sure why they agreed to that, but they did. We went to the funeral and then went to the police station on our way home. Dirty was booked and finger printed and all that stuff and then released. Not sure why, probably becuase it was a misdemeanor?

He got a court date and a lawyer and thought we had taken care of everything. We were making payments on the fines and the damage caused my him kicking the vehicle and Dirty was on probation. It was a big deal because Dirty was ON probabtion, but it was considered a misdemeanor, so the court didn't see it as a big deal. He had to check in every month when he payed his fees, no guns in the house and stay out of trouble. Fairly simple, until he got pulled over and TAKEN to jail last year becuase there was a warrant out for his arrest.

Dirty was working nights and would normally be home around 11pm and when he wasn't I was TRYING not to freak out. I willed myself to not think "my husband is dead" thoughts and go take a shower. I even left my phone in the bedroom, like a big girl. In the 15 minutes it took me to take a shower, he had called about 10 times, all from jail *sigh* Once he got a hold of me, I went into action. Called whoever I needed to call to BAIL my HUSBAND out of jail, called my dad cried to him, got off the phone and threw up in the driveway. I was FREAKING OUT, obviously. We had NO idea why there was a warrant out for him and we getting no information. The warrant was like 6 months old and we NEVER knew about it. We asked many questions, but once again, no answers. We finally bailed him out and made plans to call a lawyer first thing in the morning.

Dirty felt horrible and didn't even want to sleep in the same bed as me. He felt like he had "no right" to be in our family and was a poor example for our kids. I felt horrible for him, I wasn't even mad at him, I just felt bad. I assured him he did deserve to be in our family and we would get through this. And we did. We got a lawyer and did whatever we needed to do to fix this problem (again) so it could be behind us. From there on out, his court fees and such were paid first! There will be NO mistakes on our part so when November 23, 2009 came and he was off probation, we would have NOTHING to worry about.

We paid all of his fines and fees OFF last week, I even have the receipt to prove it. On November 19, Dirty went to the courthouse for the very last time (so we thought) and paid the rest of everything off. He could have gotten an extension, but we had the money then, so we just decided to pay it off, completely. We celebrated that night with a Blazer game and some beer. YAY, he was free! HA! Not even close!

Monday, I was in the kitchen boiling eggs for egg salad sandwiches when 2 police officers come strolling up our driveway. My first thought was "oh shit! I'm missing class tonight because Dirty is going to jail". When they came to the door and asked him Dirty by his first and last name, I knew we were in trouble and we were. They arrested in our LIVING ROOM for a warrant that was issued on the EXACT same day as the day he paid off his fees. The warrant was for probation violation in the amount of what the balance was, the balance that he had JUST paid off a few days ago. The cops were just as confused as were were, but had to do their job. they handcuffed him and led him to the cruiser. The whole time, I'm shaking and showing the cops the receipt that says "balance $0" and asking eleventybillion questions. The cops said it might be a clerical error, but they still have to take him down. So Dirty leaves our house in a POLICE CAR and I fall into roommates chest crying and shaking. I knew we would get it all figured out but WTF?!?! We did everything we were suppose to do! If there were ever an award for best behavior while on probation, Dirty would have gotten it. I know that sounds bad and like I'm grasping at straws or trying to make him sound good, but I'm not. We both know what he did was/is bad and he took responsibility for his actions. Many times, in fact. What he did was wrong and he is a dumbass for doing it. His words not mine, I just nod my head when he says it ;o)

I got to the ATM after he leaves, go to the jail post bail and wait...and wait...and wait some more. The women at the jail who took my money were COMPLETE bitches to me, by the way. I was scared and confused so I my questions may not have made much sense, but for them to treat me like they did was uncalled for.

The "incident" happened in a different county and that's who issued the warrant, so I asked if I needed to contact that county. "Do I need to call Washington County or fax them this receipt or do you do that? I really have no idea what I'm doing here, I'm a little new to this whole 'bail your husband out of jail thing' *nervous laughter* so what is my next step?" Yeah maybe I shouldn't have made a joke, but the other questions were pretty logical, right? I honestly wasn't trying to be a smartass, I just didn't know what to do. The gal, who looked like a toad, said "don't worry about it, they will get your money and if it is an error you will get your money back". She was SO snotty and rude, I had no idea what to say! The $168 it took to bail Dirty out of jail was the LEAST of my concerns. I just wanted to know what to do!

He calls me about 2 hours later because they had FINALLY released him, without a court date *sigh* he was instructed to call Other County the next day and find out when his court date is and to find out exactly what the warrant is for. He did that and he wasn't in their computers! They have NO record of the warrant, him being arrested and as far as their considered, he's off probation, so not their problem anymore.

He hung up totally confused and not knowing what to do next. You can't get arrested and NOT have a court date. Knowing our luck, he'd accept that and then get arrested a month later. He called back and asked more questions and they finally found him and gave him a court date. Whomever was giving him his court date thought the whole thing stupid because he was at THAT courthouse the SAME day the warrant was issued. Apparently someone made a mistake and didn't cross reference his fees or something, we really have no idea.

All we know that in a few weeks, he has to go to court and...then what? The judge might laugh at the absurdity of the whole thing, but we really have no idea. We do have the receipt for the fees being paid off, even thought they SHOULD have that information in their system. We are not taking any chances here, he is bringing ALL of his paperwork to that appointment.

Clearly we had a great week over here, how about you? Seriously though, this sucks, not only because Dirty made a STUPID choice, but also because apparently nobody knows how to subtract?

Nov 16, 2009

How is School Going?

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 17 friends have commented
I've been emailed this question a few times and I realized last night that I received SO much support in going back to school, it's only fair to update everyone.

School is going great! I've got all A's and one B! WOOOHOOO!!!! I'm a bit bummed about the B, but I think I can bring that up. If not, I'm happy with a B. Ironically enough, the class I'm getting a B in, is my writing class. The class I walked into thinking was going to be cake. HA! Oh what a naive girl I am, sometimes (all the time). Apparently there is a difference between informal writing (blogs, emails and the like) and formal writing (essays, articles, ya know, the things smart people write). The good part in getting my ego put in it's place, is that I'm learning so much!

When I got my first essay back and it was a C+, I can't even tell you how ashamed and embarrassed I was. It really bothered me for days! I let it bring me down at first, and then I realized, with some help from Dirty, that this is my very FIRST college writing class. It may just be a pre-requisite and not going to my degree (yes, that has been said to me and no I didn't punch the person in the face, even though I should've), but that doesn't mean it isn't hard. I am SO glad that I decided not to take the higher writing class! Even after just three essays, my writing has improved. I'm really proud of my latest essay and I learned so much in between number 1 and number 3. I also had some help in learning a few things, besides going to class. I asked Heather if she would help me edit my paper and she did! When I got her email back, I understood what I was doing wrong. It wasn't just a "here edit my paper for me, so I don't get another C". She helped me, I am so thankful to her for doing that! Thank you SO much, Heather.

The one class I thought I was going to have problems with, was math. But nope! I'm getting a 97% in that class! My instructor is amazing and he explains things so well. I remember why math was my favorite subject in high school. This whole time, I always thought it was because Mr. Gump was my favorite teacher. Turns out, that I'm really good at math. Huh? Who knew?! We took a quiz a few weeks ago and I ACED it! I asked our instructor what my grade would look like after the quiz, he asked what my score was and when I told him it was 100%, he laughed and said it would probably bring my grade up a percent or two and he usually only gets that question when someone bombs a test. WOOOHOOOO! We took another quiz on Thursday and I got one wrong..bum deal. I really wanted to ace another one, oh well I'm still getting a high A!

The rest of my classes are going well. My computer class is a total joke! Not because it's easy, but because the book and the assignments in it are insane. The way the book explains things, is weird. It's all technical and takes you through so many steps. Which is good, but just annoying when I could've done it my way and been done with it 20 minutes ago. Technically I'm not getting an A in the class because there's a certain number of points after you turn everything in at the end of the term. But as of right now I have everything turned in and I've gotten A's on everything. I just need to finish one more chapter and take all my quizzes. Hopefully I'll be done with the class before the end of term. That would free up my Fridays, which would be a nice way to start the weekend.

So all in all, everything is going really well. I'm learning a lot and having a really good time. And as far as I know, my grants and loans are going through. Hopefully they'll pay my tuition soon and I can register for winter term. If not...well I'm not going to think about that right now. I'm going to bask in the glory of getting GREAT grades in COLLEGE! Crazy, I tell ya, just CRAZY!!!!

Nov 15, 2009

Three Strikes and You're OUT!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 17 friends have commented

Nov 13, 2009

I think I need a Little Help

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 8 friends have commented
The children were out of school almost all week due to conferences, it's been a crazy, rainy, few days. Nae didn't need us to talk to her teachers, she's doing great and none of her teachers have any concerns with her or her work. Zilla on the other hand *sigh* he is STILL struggling. He reads really well when someone is there with him MAKING him stay focused, independent reading, not so much. He is having a really hard time staying focused in school. Not just in reading, but in everything. His teacher says he tends to space off, he does the same at home. I told his teacher, we're willing to do anything to get him over this hurdle. She did give me some tips and I think we will have a meeting with the literacy program at his school, but in the mean time, what do I do?! He doesn't get frustrated to the point that he'll check out and stop reading or give up, but I'm afraid that's coming. He really wants to learn and enjoys school, I'd like to keep it that way. He loves books and always has loved books. It's just hard to keep him focused. I don't know if it's because he's a "younger 6" or it's just him. I see why boys tend to start kindergarten later, now. There's nothing I can do about starting him at 5, rather then 6 and I doubt we'll (teacher included) hold him back this year, so that's good. His teacher feels pretty confident that if we can get him over this hurdle, he'll picks things up a lot faster. She feels that he'll be at reading level by then end of the year. Right now he is at a 4, almost a 5 and should be at a 5. He's really close, so I know we're making progress. He needs to be at a 14 by the end of the year and that goal just seems so far off. He does have a lot going for him, so it wasn't ALL bad news yesterday.

He is a great student, despite driving his teacher crazy with his spacing off, so she says. Does ANYONE have any tips, ideas, advice, ANYTHING to give me? I'm willing to try anything, well almost. We're going to give him more chores at home in the hopes that he'll learn to stay focused on something and get it done. It may be a long shot, but it's worth a try. I want him to do well in school, obviously, but I really want him to have confidence in his reading and writing. It seems that this has been a struggle since day one and every time I think we have a handle on it, I find out we don't. I honestly have no idea what the hell I'm doing here. I'm really trying to help him, but I don't think I'm doing it right. I don't have any tools to help him because I've never experienced this. So I'm turning to all of you. Help please! Thank you!

Nov 4, 2009

That Sucked and I'm Glad It's Over

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 25 friends have commented

Monday was harder then I thought it was going to be. Why is it always harder then I think it's going to be? One would think, I'd KNOW how hard these days will be. I guess, I just don't ever expect the sadness to overtake me as it does. I have no control over it and it totally 100% completely sucks!

I made her a cake and it turned out so good. I was really afraid it wasn't going to turn out and then I'd be devastated! It was suppose to be a pumpkin roll, but I didn't have a big enough jelly pan, so I poured the batter in two pie tins. It worked perfectly! The cake was really moist and the frosting was delicious. After the cake cooled and the frosting was made, I sat down at the kitchen table to frost it and proceeded to cry my eyes out. I was fine at first, enjoying the smell of the cake and the frosting. Then, all of the sudden the thoughts crept into my head. Those ugly thoughts that always make me cry. All I could think was "I shouldn't be doing this. This great cake should not be a memory cake. She should be here to eat it with me." I know me making my mom a cake on her birthday is a celebration of the great woman she was and the life she had, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. As I was frosting the cake, it felt just so sad. I finished it and puttered around the house for the rest of the afternoon. I went to class early to finish up some stuff and struggled through the whole three hours. I almost lost it during class. Goddess that would have been bad! My eyes got hot, my skin started tingling, it felt like it took me hours to gain composure, but in reality it was probably minutes if not seconds. I don't think anyone noticed, if they did, nobody said anything. THANK YOU UNIVERSE! When I got home, we lit the candles and sang happy birthday.

After I got home, everything just hit me! I turned into a zombie. I was in a fog and I couldn't get out of it. I think I ate when I came home, but I don't remember. I know I watched something with Dirty and took a bath and cried in the tub. Sad and pathetic, I know. I went to bed and must have either had sad dreams all night long or cried in my sleep because when woke up my eyes hurt so bad. Tuesday was worse then Monday. I was a zombie for the whole day. I just sat on the couch and stared off into space, all day. Dirty suggested I stay home from class. He felt me forcing myself to learn new things, was only going to make my head hurt worse and possibly cause me to go into a tailspin. I felt differently, I told him "I've got to learn to deal with this. Life can't stop just because I'm sad or I miss my mom. Unfortunately life doesn't work like that." We finally came to a compromise. I'd go to math class, then come home. I wouldn't go to my other class. I felt like I was kind of being irresponsible, but on the other hand that class is SO boring and I'd be in my head the whole time. The thought of crying in class was so terrifying, that I chose to stay home. It was a good choice because I cried off and on all day long, even after I got home from my math class. I told Peaches if I ran out of class, that she had to grab my stuff for me. She agreed. It's good to have a partner in crime throughout this whole college gig.

I did make dinner, but was a total zombie. I took another bath because I just couldn't focus on anything. It helped a bit, but I was pretty much useless for the rest of the evening. We went to bed and Dirty just held me. I didn't cry again, but did fall asleep right away. I woke up this morning feeling better. The emotional fog was gone, as was my headache. I still feel a little lingering emotions over the whole thing, but its over with and I did an OK job with it. Skipping out on class might not have been the most responsible thing to do, but it was definitely the best thing I could do for my mental health.

The most frustrating part of the whole thing is the loss of control. I have NO control over these emotions. I can't control them, I can't make them come at a convenient time, nor came I make them go away when they do come. All I can do is surrender myself to them and allow myself to process them. The plus side is that since I didn't really fight it this time, it only lasted two days. The last time it lasted more then that. I guess that's progress, right?

Up next, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the anniversary of her death. That's going to be REALLY hard. I don't even know what to do on that day. It's not like I can make a cake or something. I went to our church last year, not sure if I can do that again, this year. Guess we'll find out *sigh* the only easy day was yesterday....

Thank you for all the kind words on Monday. I felt all the good vibes and they did help a lot. I don't even want to think how I would be without all of you. Thank you!

Nov 2, 2009

Happy Birthday, Mom.

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 29 friends have commented
My little sister, my beautiful mom, handsome dad, and myself at my older sister's wedding. That was such a fun day and a great memory.

My parents at one of their MANY Halloween parties. Yes, that's my mom grabbing my dad's!

She would be almost 70 today. I would probably have sent her flowers or we would be going up there this coming weekend. Instead, I'll bake a cake or something a sing her a little song. I knew this day was coming up, how could I forget? And I just kind of pushed it to the back of my mind, thinking I'll deal with it later. Well, it's later. Here I am sorting through these damn emotions again *sigh* It is better, so that's a plus, right? I'm not scared of falling into the Pit of Despair....improvement my friends. No matter how small these steps are, they are still steps.

As much as I would like to crawl into my bed and just be with my sad thoughts today, I know that isn't best for me. So I'll bake her cake today, shed a tear and move on with my day. Not because I have to, but because I know she would want me to. I know she doesn't want me stewing in my grief, plus it isn't healthy for me. I'll sing her a song and then blow out the candles, wishing I wasn't doing it alone, but knowing she is here still.

I love and miss you more then I can ever put into words. I miss calling you just because. I miss hearing your voice. I miss smelling your "mom scent". But most of all I miss hearing "I love you". I hope you're celebrating with your mom and brother today. Know even though you're missed terribly, you're never forgotten.

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