Sep 29, 2008

My friends know me better then I know myself?

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 9 friends have commented
When summer began, my brother in law went to the beach and got me a T-shirt that was semi-inappropriate. The color and fit were perfect for me. But it wasn't a shirt I could wear to the grocery store or to a PTA meeting. Although, both of those thoughts did run through my head and the scenario that played out, left me with the giggles for a good 15 minutes. I've worn it a few times when I've gone to the bar and got a lot of compliments on it. It says "I love my bartender! Don't ask, just keep 'em commin" with a graphic of a martini on it. It's cute, not too crude and funny. But again, not a shirt I can wear anywhere else besides the bar.

Then I got another T-shirt from Rose for our anniversary that is WAY more graphic and crude. It's an awesome shirt and I love it! I love it because she gave it to me and I crack up every time I think about it. Once again, the fit and color are PERFECT, but it's BARLEY a "bar shirt". Unless I'm wanting to get mauled getting into the car at the end of the night. Not really what I aim for when I go out with my friends. This one has a graphic of a mouth with the tongue hanging out and says "no gag reflex". Ahahahahaha!!!! She is the queen of
inappropriate gifts!

Once A great friend of mine stopped by to drop of a T-shirt him and his wife got me when they were on vacation. The fit and color are amazing and it's soft and comfortable. I didn't think it was
inappropriate, but I could see how it could be taken that way. It's my size, which means that it makes me boobs look HUGE! Especially if I wear my favorite bra I got at Victoria's Secret. It says; "Berklee Party girl, college of music". The wording isn't inappropriate, but the fit kind of is, I guess.

I just kind of think it's funny that all of the sudden my friends think T-shirts are the gift to get for me. T-shirts that fit me like a glove and make my breasts look HUGE. I would have never bought anything like this for myself, but all 3 of these T-shirts, I absolutely LOVE! Funny how that works out, huh?

Sep 28, 2008


Musings of A Beautiful Mess 3 friends have commented
I mentioned in my "meme" that I was anorexic in high school and I still battle this issue of mine. It's not something I struggle with every day, but it does come up every once in awhile. I, thankfully didn't have to go to counseling to "cure" myself of this. I didn't have it to the extent that I wouldn't eat for weeks on end or be hospitalized from lack of nutrition. There were many times that I would pass out from lack of eating, but thankfully my parents helped me and we all got through it together. I am very open about this topic with everyone. Especially with my daughter. Her and I are always talking about body images and what is possible to change and what isn't. How to treat your body well and what to put in it and what not to put in it.

When I got pregnant with my daughter I realized that being healthy for her and having a healthy baby and pregnancy was more important then weighing the "magic number". So I started to be and eat healthier. I stopped going days without eating because I thought I was fat. I decided that eating was a fantastic thing. Ahhhh food is good!

There have been times when I have to actually fight the urge to do something unhealthy that relates to my eating habits. On the whole it hasn't been a problem. I haven't passed out from not eating in YEARS. I eat when I'm hungry and I do my best to eat healthy and not just eat crap.

When I was depressed in December and in January, I ate nothing but cookies for a few weeks and gained some weight. I refereed to this new weight as my "depression muffin top". I wasn't really bothered by it, but I didn't love it. I didn't go overboard and stop eating or anything. I just stopped eating cookies and started being more active. I never weighed myself, so I can't be sure exactly how much I weigh. I hate scales. They are evil and I will never own one.

In July when I got sick, I had to eat with the anti-biotics they gave me. And since I couldn't move and was stuck in bed for about 2 weeks, I gained more weight. I would guess that I gained at least 10 pounds in July. Added to the "depression muffin top", well I had a bit of a belly. Oh and I was also bloated and swollen and didn't look so fabulous. Blah. After I got sick, I had to ease myself back into exercising. I couldn't just start jogging again. I had to retrain my body to be active.

Once I got all better and got my body back on track, I started losing weight. I noticed it when I went to go out with a friend and I tried on my "skinny" jeans. And they FIT! I didn't need a crane to put them on w00t w00t!!! I was all excited. Then a few weeks ago those jeans started to get big on me. I finally told Husband I needed a new pair of jeans because none of my jeans fit me. *I didn't really tell anyone of my weight loss because then everybody would be watching every move I made and questioned everything I ate or didn't eat. * We went to Old Navy Saturday and I grabbed a pair of jeans in my size and I held them up and there is no way they would have fit. So I grabbed the next size down, which was a single digit! I haven't been in single digits in 6 years. That size was too big when I tried them on. So I had to go down one more size and I tried those on and HOLY CRAP they fit!

I haven't tried on any other jeans, yet. So if Old Navy runs big, I don't want to hear it. Feel free to lie to me. I've bought jeans there before and I they were the correct size, so unless they changed their sizing..I am about 2 sizes smaller then I was before. I am a pretty happy camper right now...

Sep 26, 2008

Happy Anniversary, my love

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 8 friends have commented

No that Love. I'm talking about the other love of my life. My bestest best friend.

We met 11 years ago. I was moving into an apartment complex and she had already been living there. Husband and I were at the old place loading up the last of the truck. My parents were at the new place watching Nae and moving stuff out of the way. (My mom was unpacking and organizing, while my dad played with Nae and had a few beers. My mom was always the one doing the organizing when someone moved, dad was always the one having a beer or 2, entertaining the little ones. Unless it was them moving, then my dad did everything, while my mom told him how to do it. Lots of sighs and deep breaths, for both of them. *I LOVE my parents*)

When we were at the old place, Rose came over to my parents and introduced herself to them, they got to talking. They mentioned that they had a daughter her age and we should meet. YAY for my parents hooking us up! We got there and her and I "clicked" instantly. We chatted about this and that. Our husbands grunted to each other. Nae was 5 months old, her oldest was 2 and her youngest *at the time* was 2 months. Her and I stood outside talking while the guys unloaded the truck. *still in trouble for that one*

From that day on, we have been inseparable. We spent hours gossiping, laughing, ranting, crying, bitching, dreaming and anything else you could imagine. Neither of us worked, so we had lots of time to do nothing. We'd have "codes" for each other. If our blinds were closed, that meant that we were either sleeping or not wanting company. We'd leave notes on the door telling neighbors not to knock because one of us had a sick child or one of us were sick. Of course these notes always included a footnote of "BFF you're welcome". Nothing was off topic when it came to discussions. We talked about everything. From the first time we kissed a boy to "would you ever kiss a girl?!" I'd never had many female friends when I was in school. I had a few close friends, but most of my friends were boys. Girls don't like me. Always been that way and I'm sure it will always be that way *sigh*

When she was moving to another town, we cried for weeks! The town wasn't even that far away! Silly girls. The day she was moving, I woke up, opened up the blinds and what did I see? I saw my window plastered with cut outs from the Victoria's Secret catalogs we'd pour over and dream of what we would buy. My window was covered in pictures of women in panties, in bathing suites, gorgeous shoes, beautiful bras, and cute jammies. I bawled like a baby. I grabbed my camera and took pictures of the window. Our neighbors were looking at me like I was crazy. I was standing outside, crying and taking pictures of my window covered in cut outs. I walked over to her apartment and we hugged and cried like she was moving the the other side of the world.

My life didn't end when she moved, nor did hers *weird*. We still saw each other, still talked on the phone. We'd mail each other "best friend" key chains in the mail. We laughed because the post office had to think we were nuts, which we kind of are.

When the opportunity came up for us to manage a homeless shelter in town, Husband and I jumped at the chance to do it. We knew our lives wouldn't be ours anymore, but we felt it was the right thing to do. During this time I was just getting over having Pelvic Inflammatory Disease *PID* and just starting my 2 year long fight with everything it entailed. She had gotten pregnant with her 3rd child. We wished that we could be pregnant together, because then we'd have something else in common. Then I got pregnant for the second time and it didn't work out. I remember her coming over to the house to visit me with her huge belly. I was so devastated to see her big belly when mine was empty and I didn't want it to be. She walked up to me, gave me some flowers and told me something I will never forget and something I have never told anyone. She said to me "I feel ashamed that I have this huge belly and you just went through a miscarriage. I am so sorry. I love you and if you want me to leave I will." I hugged her and we cried and I told her never to be ashamed. I don't exactly remember what I said, but I will never forget what she said to me that day. I will never forget what she was wearing, nor what the flowers were that she gave me that day. She can be selfish at times, but I will always remember that moment in our friendship and I can't see her not in my life.

Here we are 11 years later, after that fateful day my parents hooked us up and we have been through so much. She's been there with me when I went through my 2 miscarriages. When I played if off like it was "no big deal"*lie* She was there with me when I went through years of fighting with my PID, bladder infections and my uterus falling apart. She was with me when I found out I was pregnant with Zilla. She brought me ice cream every single time she came to see me. She was with me when I went into labor with him. She was with me when I was planning Nae's birthday parties. She was there when we attempted to make a cake for Nae's birthday and forgot to put the sugar in the cake because we had 2 glasses of wine and were buzzed *oops*. Most importantly she was there for me when my mom died. I was there for her when her and her husband got a divorce. I was there with her when she fell in love for the first time in her life with a man who lived in a different state. I supported her decision to move in with him. I understood her reasons for leaving her children with her ex husband. I listened to every one judge her and say horrible things about her. I defended my best friend because I know her. I am the only one whom she can tell her deepest darkest secrets to and I will still love the hell out of the bitch!

The day before she left, I made a scrapbook for her and covered our front window with cut outs from our Victoria's Secret catalogs. She walked in the door and cried and fell into my lap. I gave her the scrapbook and we laughed, cried and told each other how much we'd miss the other. I may not agree with every one of her decisions, but I am here to support her and she is here for me. She would never judge me or my choices. She might not like what I'm doing and she will tell me, but she will always love me. I am the only one who can tell her to pull her head out of her ass and look at her situation. I can give her advice and she will listen to me. She will tell me I am right, if I am, and I will do the same. I can get away with a lot when it comes to her. I am the only one who can wish her a happy birthday and not get something throw at my head. I've seen her cry more times then anyone else. She's crawled into my lap to cry over something but will deny it till the day she dies. She treats me like the spoiled brat I am. Her and Husband are the only 2 who call me "Princess" and know exactly what it means.

I can't think of my life without her in it, nor do I want to. Since she's moved, it's been strange. We talk just as much, but our conversations are deeper. We still talk about our obsession with shoes *her* and purses *me*, but mostly now, they revolve around life changing choices. We have grown up and it's OK. We still have our "lets go out and act like fools" moments, but on the whole we talk about when she's going to get married and what will her dress look like. And why is her boyfriend such a stubborn ass?! My answer every time is "sweetie, they are all stubborn asses, but he is your stubborn ass and you are madly, deeply in love with the man" Her response to this is "shit, you're right. I do love him, especially because he is a stubborn ass".

I love this woman more then I can ever say. She is truly my other soul mate. She knows things about me that nobody else knows. We have so many inside jokes. When her and I get together, nobody else is in the room. We have our own language. We can finish each other's sentences. We have the dumbest contests with each other. We've made bets on who can get the most lighters at the end of a night of bar hopping. *I won this one* We've made bets on who can get the most drinks bought for our table or for herself *she always wins this one, bitch* I could go on and on and on, but I won't. She will never read this, but she knows how much I love her and I guess I just needed others to know how amazing MY best friend is!

Sep 25, 2008

w00t w00t I got tagged for a meme...

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 6 friends have commented

6 quirky (or just plain weird) things about me

I rarely do memes but I got tagged by


  • Link to the person that tagged you
  • Post the rules on your blog
  • Share 6 non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself
  • Tag 6 people at the end of your post by linking to their blog
  • Let each person know they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog
  • Let your tagger know when your entry is up
  1. I am computer retarded. I know my way around some things computer and Internet wise, but when it comes to doing anything like putting a link that isn't 5 lines long *see above*, or decorating a blog without the help of a myspace html code website..I am at a loss. I will not ask Husband for help because I am to stubborn and he won't do it for me, he'll teach me how to do it. I don't want to learn, I want HIM to do it for ME. I'm a spoiled brat like that.
  2. I was anorexic in high school. I didn't "cure" myself of it until I got pregnant with my daughter 12 years ago. I still struggle with it sometimes. I've looked at a box of laxatives and thought about taking them. Instead I told Husband and we didn't throw them away and I didn't take them. Kind of an over-share, huh? Sorry....
  3. I believe you can be "in love" with more then one person. I also believe you can have more then one soul mate. I have 2. My husband and my best friend! They are the only 2 people who know the "real" me and support and love me anyway.
  4. I have a VERY over active imagination. I love to act out fantasies in my head. Sometimes they don't involve my husband..hehehe Shhhhh don't tattle on me.
  5. I am high maintenance, have expensive taste, but I will totally shop at a second hand store. I LOVE a good deal.
  6. When my best friend and I are together we do things to embarrass anyone who is with us. Everyone is fair game! I went shopping with another friend once and she was in the store and I went up to her and pretended like she was my lover and accused her of cheating. We were yelling at each other in the middle of the store. She kept saying "baby, baby, I'm sorry. It's not what it looks like. We were just talking and then I started to cough and I couldn't breathe and she just saved my life! Baby, she means nothing to me, I love YOU" We got A LOT of looks and it was fun!
I'm no going to tag anyone because I am unsure who's been tagged and who hasn't. Also because I can't seem to put a link in here that isn't 5 lines long. I might have to break down and ask Husband *sigh* Please if you want to fill this out, let me know and I'll read it!

Thank you Kristen for tagging me. These are fun!

Sep 24, 2008

Space cadet

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 8 friends have commented
I'm a space cadet and I apologize for it. I can't help it, though. My mind runs eleventy billion miles and hour. Even though it's racing and on all the time, I seem to forget to reveal important or useful information. Which is exactly what I did yesterday, when I posted about Husband and his job.

So I'll fill ya'll in...
We live in a small town in Oregon. A farming town, which I loathe and detest with ALL of my being. I don't do "country". I grew up in a city and I enjoyed it. I like walking and I like walking down to the market to get a gallon of milk, or walking down to a strip mall to poke around. I am not use to seeing a tractor rumble down the street. Even though we have lived here for almost 4 years, I am still not use to it. When do see one, I get all excited. My friends, of course, make fun of me for this. But, this is where we are, the schools are amazing and we have a lot of connections here and I don't see us moving any time soon. So I'll suffer with the fact, that the mall is AT LEAST 35 miles away and not 10 *cry*

Husband works about an hour away from where we live. He drives an hour to get to work and an hour to get home every day and it sucks! We have an SUV and the stupid thing is a gas guzzler and I don't love it. I am grateful that we have a nice reliable mode of transportation, but the damn thing costs us SO much money a month that I'm ready to take a hit on it. Right now, the thought of giving it back to the loan company instead of making that monthly payment is what my dreams are made of. Not the point of my story here, sorry...

We got word a few months ago that his contract was ending with the company he's worked for, for 7 years. We had 2 options. Option 1 was to apply with the new company, possibly get a raise, possibly not, possibly get a better shift, possibly not, possibly get better insurance, possibly not OR take the severance package and unemployment. If we opted for the severance package, we'd get 2 checks within 2 weeks of each other AND a BIG check in a few weeks time, PLUS unemployment starting on week 2 or 3 after being laid off. We'd have some breathing room with the big check in and we'd be able to move. If we opted for him to take the position with the new company, we'd be in the exact same place we are. Paying for the truck every month PLUS gas. The of course if he stays on swing shift, he wouldn't be able to see the children. It wasn't a hard decision for us to make.

We went with being laid off and the severance package. With this option, it'll give us some time to figure out where we want to go from here. Do I want to go back to school? Does he? We get to spend more time with just each other and as a family. He'll be here for bedtimes and I'm not doing dinner, homework AND dinner every night by myself.

So him getting laid off, is feeling like a new beginning for us. Plus, we get to MOVE!!!! We'll still be in the same town, but we will not be living with my brother in law and his 3 children. Which 4 years ago, wasn't a bad choice to make. It was a great choice. I don't regret it, but since him and his wife have gotten a divorce, things have been less then stable. His children have been acting out and me being the only "mother figure" gets a lot of the stresses of raising children that aren't mine put on me, but no back up from the parent. Very, very frustrating for me. Especially because I love those kids as if they were my own.

So, yes in about less then a week, Husband will be officially unemployed and I will be going crazy! He will be bugging me to no end. I have been assured that he will not leave me alone. I am unsure what this entails, but I am scared.

It'll be nice, I really can't wait. I am excited to get everything in order and have him around and we can go to lunch and do more things as a family. It'll be a nice change.....

Sep 23, 2008

Conversations with Husband

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 10 friends have commented
Husband and I are VERY strange. We toss insults at each other in a loving fashion A LOT. His mom always tells us to get a long and behave. We hardly ever fight, but when we do...oh it is less then pretty.

The other day he was playing his computer game *computer geek* and he told me he named his character after me *lame*

Him: Hey hon, I named my new character after you!

Me: You did? What ya name her? Princess?

Him: No, I named her "slut face" *laughing his ass off*

Me: *laughing my ass off* Seriously, did you?! And if so, did you tell everyone you named her after me, cause that would be REALLY funny!?

Him: No I didn't really name her that, but your right, that would be funny.

I still don't know what his character's name is, but I got a good laugh out of that one.

THEN, this morning...I was texting a friend and he had mentioned he hadn't had his coffee yet and it was almost 9 in the morning! Husband asked what I was gasping at...

Him: What's so shocking over there? Who ya texting?

Me: Eric and he said he hasn't had any coffee yet this morning, but he IS in fact a coffee drinker. I don't get it!

Him: *realizes this isn't an important conversation and I'm sure regrets even asking* Maybe he doesn't feel like having coffee yet.

Me: *appalled* How can you NOT drink coffee if you're a coffee drinker, I don't understand! Coffee is a beautiful and amazing thing. I don't see how anyone can live without it.

Him: Just like you

Me: *laughing really loud* Awww that was sweet....*still laughing*

Him: I know, thought ya might like that one. I just scored brownie points.

Me: No you didn't, you just made up for bugging the crap out of me last night before we went to bed

Him: Dammit...Am I EVER going to be in the positive side of the brownie point scale?

Me: Nope, you fail!

There are SO many more insulting conversations we have, but I don't have time to type them all out and I'm betting nobody would want to read about them. Our marriage is unconventional to say the least, but I wouldn't have it any other way. We are crazy, crass, and fully in love with each other. It is good times. However come next week after he gets laid off and is home 24-freakin-7 I might need a place to escape. If you see a short woman with unruly hair walking up your walk, it is me in DIRE need of a break from my husband. Please let me in....

Sep 21, 2008

Proof that I did IT!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 5 friends have commented
I wrote this entry December 27, 2007 *on a different blog*. That time was a very dark time for me. It was the time I was depressed, confused, and did nothing but eat cookies for about 2 months. The difference between now and then, is nothing less then astounding for me....

All alone...

In reality, I am not alone. In my head, I am. On occasion that is a good thing. My head and my imagination has always been a fun place for me. A little escape from reality when I need a break. A place to go when I am doing dishes or laundry or my hair. A place where there are uninterrupted baths to be taken, a place where there is warm sand to lay in, blue water to swim in and a good book or 2. This is what I call "fantasy land". Sometimes fantasy land has occupants, but more often then not I am alone on said beach. It is what helps me get through the mundane tasks of everyday life. It's a way to get away from the "have too's".

My place hasn't been working as of late. I can't seem to be happy there either. I am a shell of who I use to be. My eyes aren't as bright, my smile isn't as wide as it use to be. My hugs aren't as strong as they use to be. I am a fake. I have faked it for 2 years. I went to a therapist and I faked the whole thing. I can NOT go through the pain I went through January 15, 2006. I guarded myself. I did a real good job of it, too. Of course I would have my days and I would get hugs or a kind and encouraging word and I would feel better. I wanted to feel better. I didn't want this heart breaking sadness anymore, so I simply made it go away. I knew it wasn't right, I knew it would catch up with me in the long run, but to let myself FEEL..actually FEEL the fact that my mother is dead is inconceivable. Why would I allow myself to feel that pain whole heartedly when it was so bad the day she died? How can I put myself in a position to feel and to accept that she is gone and is never coming back? I know it in my head, but in my heart I do not. I do not want to be the person who still grieves for their loved one 5 years later and is so messed up that relationship and friendships suffer. But I am in self protection mode. I am fighting myself for myself and I am loosing the battle. It's all catching up with me and I'm trying to run from it and I am not running fast enough. I think the time has come to stop running and start feeling. I hope and I pray I am strong enough to do this. I hope I will feel better on the inside and I am able to get me back when I am done. I'm sure it'll take time, and I am willing to take the time. I just want to be happy. Happy from the inside out. I want my smile to reach my eyes again. I want to say "I am fine" and mean it. I want the lies and hiding to stop.....

Here I am almost 1 year later and I am real! I am becoming the woman I was before I lost my mom, and then some. My smiles reaches my eyes. I have bright eyes again! My hugs are strong. When I say "I'm fine" I really do mean it. I smile and I smile often. I laugh and I laugh to the point I either snort, or cry. It's a beautiful thing. I am very proud of myself for what I did. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. At the time, it felt like I had lost her all over again. Now? Now I am so happy that I had the courage to do so. I know for a fact, I couldn't have done it without the support of my family and friends. Thank you to those of you who helped me *S*

I am now able to talk about my mom without crying. I am able to go to her obituary page, write her a little note and not cry my eyes out. I can look at the pictures I have of her and not feel so much sadness. I think of the memories and smile at them.

I know she is proud of me. I know that she is proud of the woman I have become. I know that she would not want me to be who I was after she passed. I am happy, plain and simple. I am a courageous, strong, self confident woman. I am my mother. I couldn't have given myself a better gift if I tried. She couldn't have given me a better gift. It took me awhile to get here, but I did it! I am going to do my best to stay here. No matter what our future holds.

Sep 20, 2008

No apologies

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 15 friends have commented
The summer before I got pregnant with Zilla, I was hot. I'd finally lost the weight from Nae. Took me 5 years, but hell, it was GONE! I felt good and I had confidence. I was still young and learning what it was like to be a woman, mother, and a wife. I went through a short period of being selfish. Not to the point where I'd abandon my family and take off for days, but I was learning to do things on my own. I became a Mary Kay consultant and enjoyed it. I enjoyed talking with other ladies and playing with the make up. It was a lot of fun. Then I got pregnant with Zilla and my whole life got turned upside down. In a good way. I returned to the woman I was when Nae was younger. I did nothing for myself. It was all about the family. I rarely went and did things with my friends. I turned into a homebody. I didn't mind it one bit. I was so excited to have this unexpected gift, that I wanted to cherish it.

Everything went great for the first 2 months after he was born. Then my mom had her first strokes. Our whole world crashed around our heads. Mom was in the hospital, my sister and I both had newborns, nobody knew what was going to happen. We didn't know if she was going to die or if she was going to pull through. We had no idea why she had these strokes, nor did we know what was going to happen to my parents' lives in general. My dad was on disability because he lost his eye sight due to diabetes. My mom was the only one working at the time, the only one able to drive. She spent weeks in the hospital and months in rehab. When she finally came home, she was in a wheelchair and we had a lot of things to change at their house. As the days turned into months, months into years, we grew accustomed to the changes. Then she had another stroke and was in a lot of pain. That's when we found out she had cancer and we were told she had 9 months to live. She didn't make it that long.

During the years after her strokes and death, I became this selfless person who did everything for everyone else. I threw myself into caretaker mode. I didn't really realize I was doing it until it was too late. I allowed people to take me for granted and take advantage of me. I was told many times that I let people walk all over me, but I didn't do anything about it. I didn't speak my mind when I should have. I didn't voice my feelings or concerns when I should have. I didn't argue my point, ever. I was a meek woman, it was disgusting. I started to realize what was going on in January. Husband and I got into a huge fight over me being so meek. I told him "I don't even know who I am anymore. All I am is a wife, mother, and daughter. I have no idea who Danielle is anymore". That's when I started to change, started to be a little more selfless.

Since I've been on this path of self discovery, I've gotten some complaints. I been told I've changed and I'm being selfish. "What happened to the Danielle from last year?" is what a friend told me today. "You mean that meek woman who did everything for everyone else and nothing for herself? I kicked the bitch to the curb!" This is actually who I am. This woman who is not apologizing for doing what she wants to do is who I am.

When my husband met me, I was a confident girl. That's who he fell in love with. He fell in love with the girl who would walk into a room and demanded attention. He didn't fall in love with the girl who'd never decide on a place for dinner because it might not be what everyone else wants. My husband is not the jealous type, the exact opposite, actually. He gets all cocky when other men tell him how pretty I am. He laughs when Rose and I go out and men fall over themselves to talk to us. This is who I am and who his wife is.

I know I sound conceited and I'm really trying not to be. I'm trying to explain the woman I was before and the woman I am now. I have confidence, a lot of it. I am happy with my body *most days*, I am happy with who I am. I know what to wear and how to carry myself. I don't care if I get dirty looks from whom ever because someone doesn't care for my outfit. It doesn't bother me. It gets old, but I don't let it get under my skin anymore.

I am who I am and if one of my friends doesn't like it, then they aren't my real friend. It's too bad that I am being judged for being selfish, but I am not going to say "I'm sorry" anymore. Because I am NOT sorry! I am happy. My husband is happy to have his wife back and frankly, we're the only ones who matter.

Sep 18, 2008

This is how I felt yesterday

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 3 friends have commented

It's a good thing to remember...

I wasn't crabby yesterday, but I really wasn't feeling like dealing with judgmental people. So, when I got a call from a friend inviting me to go listen to another friend of ours sing, at the bar where the gal who doesn't like works, I declined. I am not afraid of her, nor am I ashamed of my actions *even though my actions weren't anything to be ashamed of* I just didn't feel like listening to her last night.

So instead of possibly going to jail for her narrow mindedness because it is wrong to strangle people, I decided to stay home. I think that was a wise choice.

Hey, now that I think about it.....I just saved her life! She OWES me!

Sep 17, 2008

Hey did you know...?

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 4 friends have commented
Men can and do have PMS!!!! Well mine does at least. He was a in a mood last night. Everything I did was "wrong". This morning....totally fine!

Now I know what he feels like when I yell at him or bitch at him for making the bed "incorrectly". Although, in my defense and most other women out there...the men don't bleed. Therefore, in my opinion, I have the right to be a bitch. He...not so much.

Our household might implode if we both had "PMS" at the same time. Lets hope that doesn't happen....

Sep 15, 2008

I talked to the teacher...

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 1 friends have commented
After I picked up Zilla from school, I had a talk with his teacher. His primary teacher. I didn't want to go to anyone else. She is the one whom I requested when I registered Zilla for school, so I know she will give it to me straight. She and I have already talked about what to do at home with him to make him catch up with the others. She is the one who understands that "life happens" and we do our best to deal with the present time as best we can. She doesn't judge me, nor does she judge the choices I made with him. She is an amazing teacher!

I told her what happened on Friday and I also told her I don't know what was said. I wanted to deal with this from what was said to me. That way there was no "so and so said this". It was all fact. No hearsay. I asked her if there was anything that I am unaware of. Anything that has changed, since our last talk? She apologized for what the other teacher said and I thanked her for that. Nothing has changed. Nobody is going to come to my house and take away my son because I didn't teach him his ABC's. Sadly, yes, this was one of my worries. My head is less then rational when it comes to my children. Nor does he have any learning disabilities that we need to put him in special classes for. "He's just a young 5 year old" is what she told me...AGAIN. So I leave the meeting feeling SO much better. I can breathe again and hopefully, stop freaking out about it. As soon as I walked out that door, I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I am, once again, feeling like I was feeling before I got this prime bit of info. Which is, ready to tackle the next step in Zilla's education. I still feel bad, but not as bad as I felt earlier today and yesterday.

As far as Ms. Loudmouth goes, the next time I am in a social setting with her *which I am praying won't be anytime soon* and she brings up Zilla, I'm going to say "can we please not talk about my children, unless we are at the school?" I'm sure she'll be offended, but god dammit, it is my right as his mother to not want to talk about him and more importantly have her not talk about him!

Now I am going to go for a run and get all this stress out of my body! I can't handle it anymore. it needs to be gone!

Thank you to everyone who left comments validating my concerns! I love it and appreciate it more!

Sep 14, 2008

Not sure how I feel about this...

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 3 friends have commented
Lately, I've been working on doing my best not to over analyze things. I'm taking things at face value and trying not to read into anything. This is not an easy task for me, but I am doing pretty....OK. OK, until Friday night.

My best friend and her boyfriend came down this weekend to see her kids and spend some time with her friends. I had plans to go out Friday, then canceled them to have a nice long talk with Husband about moving and such. It was less then fun, but it had to be done. She came over about an hour after Husband got home and kidnapped me. Husband was done talking about the move and willingly let me be kidnapped. I figured we were going to our old haunt to meet up with everyone else. Oh how wrong I was. They neglected to tell me we were on our way to some one's house whom I don't care to see socially.

I like this woman, she's a very kind hearted woman, but she is one of my son's teachers and I'd rather not see her socially because of this reason. I don't want to hear things that he has done at school that may be less then flattering or how "behind" he is in EVERYTHING. I know this, I've already come to terms with the decision and mistakes I made as his mother when he was at home with me. There is no thing I can do to change the past. I can't take back the years I didn't work with him on his ABC's, I can't take back the years he and I sat on the couch in our jammies, or went puddle jumping. I know I "failed" as a mom, but in my defense, I was going through the death of my mother and the thought of school seemed too far away to worry about. I know I don't have to defend myself, I know I am a good mom. Yes, I make mistakes, but there is nothing I can do about them now. I don't regret the years we played together. Not for one second would I take any of it back. We made memories and those memories are priceless.

Anyway....I walked into her backyard and she proceeds to tell everyone how she teaches Zilla. He is one of her "chickens". He is so cute, he is so funny, but "Danielle why in the hell did you not teach him his ABC's?!" This is the point when I take a big deep breath and tell her I wanted to play with him. "He is my last baby. The one I didn't think I could have. All I wanted to do was spend the time between his birth and starting school, playing and enjoying HIM." She goes on and on and on AND on, I am doing my best not to be offended. I am doing my best not to smack the crap out of this woman. Neither of which will get me anywhere, nor will it change the past. Yes, it will make me feel better, but it isn't productive to the situation. Plus, she is one of Zilla's teachers. I can't exactly smack the woman for asking a question, no matter how much it hurts or offends me. Rose and Sarah do their best to distract her into another conversation, but she wants nothing of it. She just wants to keep talking and talking about my son and what he does all day in school. She's asking me if she offended me, I tell her no. It wasn't a lie. I wasn't offended, per se. I just felt bad. I feel guilt because my son is so behind. I finally convince her I am fine, and we are off to a different conversation. Thank Goddess!!!!

I turn to Rose's boyfriend, lean down so he can hear me and whisper to him "sweetie, if you don't get me the hell out of here, I am going to rip that pretty little head of yours off your fucking shoulders and throw it into the fire behind me." He instantly stands up and says "OK, guys, lets go! We're suppose to be meeting some more friends." We say our goodbyes and I make a bee line for the car. He takes me aside and says "I've never been more scared of any women in my life then when you and Rose are together." I nod my head because that's exactly how it should be. He must always fear the two of us. My other friend takes me aside and asks me if I am OK. I take a deep breath and say "yes, it was just hard to hear that, but then again..the truth hurts and shit happens". The she tells me that the woman took her into a different room and told her some "confidential" things. I told her I didn't want to know what they are. I want to hear no more of this. I am over it, can we please go!!!!

Now, days later..I am stewing in this information. I can't stop thinking about it. Do I want to know what was told to one of my closest friends about my son or do I let it go? If I do find out, do I go to the principal with this information or to Zilla's teacher, or talk to the woman herself? She told me many times that she was asking me and telling me these things because of our "friendship". Which, in my opinion, we don't have. Yes, I know her socially. Her daughter is one of my close friends. She use to own the bar that we had our weekly "lady's nights" at. So, I guess we kind of have a friendship, but I wouldn't call her one of my friends. I'd say more of an acquaintance.

So I am a bit on the confused side. I don't know what to do. I just talked to Zilla's teacher and we already have a plan in place about his learning and such. I already know what he needs to work on. I already feel like the worst mother int he world, I'm pretty sure this information is going to make me feel like a complete and total failure, but...BIG but here...will this information help Zilla out, or will it just be everything I already know? Will it be something she said out of concerned like "he is so behind in the class" or "he is the most behind in the class". I just don't know. On one hand, I want to let it go, but on the other...I don't. I have a feeling this information will do nothing good for the education of my son. I have a feeling it's stuff I already know, but was it necessary for her to tell one of my best friends about it. That's the problem I am having. You can talk all the shit about me you want. You can call me a whore, a tease, a bad mom, whatever you like, but I draw the line at my children. You do not get to say "he's a bad student" to ANYONE. That's MY job, because I am his mother!

Sep 10, 2008

I'm being selfish and I do NOT feel bad!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 4 friends have commented
Ever since I can remember, I've always put others before myself. I am the first born and the typical "mother hen". I care too much, too deeply, I cry easily, and I do nothing for myself.

There have been times when I get overwhelmed and need a break and take one. Such as went I laid out on the trampoline the other day. I take a bath, or go for a jog, if it gets too much, generally I grin and bare it. I'll work my ass off to make dinner, lunches, get the last load laundry done, all the while shampooing the carpets. I did this because I thought it was my job. I thought it was my job to make everything run smoothly. Husband goes to a job everyday that he hates. he has an hour commute each way, he stresses out every day and I feel so bad for him. So if me working myself into a frenzy will take some stress off him, I'll do it. No, I use to do it. The children weren't asked to be born, why should they have to make their own lunches? I'll do it, I'm their mother, that's what mom's do, right? WRONG! It's been a long time coming, but I have finally realized that I am not a slave. I don't deserve to put myself on the back burner because things will go smoother if I do.

It is not my responsibility to make sure the children that don't belong to me, get their homework done. They have parents and I am not one of them. I do not have to run around the house like a mad woman because Husband doesn't have a "home cooked" lunch to take to work. *I did this many times* If he has to find his OWN socks *gasp* I will not lose my "wife card". I don't have to do everything for everyone, really it took me 15 years of marriage and lots and lots of Husband telling me to "calm the hell down" to get to this point.

Monday was the first day of my "new found freedom". Both our children are in school all day long and all 3 of my roommates children are in school all day long. So I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT all day long! I can go for a jog and not feel bad about it. I can take a nap in the middle of the day if I want too! This may sound like nothing to some of you, but not to me, oh man, this is AMAZING!

Monday, I dropped the little one off at school and went for a jog. After that Husband and I were able to spend time together. We sat, drank coffee and talked. JUST talked. It was very nice. After he left for work, my friend and I did some cleaning at her house. Not exciting, no, but it was something that had to be done and I didn't have to worry about anything.

Tuesday...OH MY GOD, Tuesday was AMAZINGLY AWESOME!!!! I didn't do much but putter around the house until after Husband left for work. I got bored after like 5 minutes and then I realized "I am all by myself, I have 2 hours to myself". This was huge for me. So what did I do? I took a shower...with the door OPEN, I shaved my legs with..the door OPEN, I blared my music and danced around like an idiot! It was the most fun I'd had by myself in 11 years. I have the chance to actually do things for myself and turn off the part of me that feels like I need to do everything for everybody. It is a very freeing feeling for me.

Today, I took the little ones to school and I came home and took a nap. Why? Because I could! When I woke up fro my 2 hour slumber, I made brunch for Husband and myself. Then I went for a walk. I didn't have the nagging need to be home in a certain amount of time because dinner needed to be made or something I felt only I could do.

I am on a path of self discovery and I couldn't be happier about it. I am the one who put these stresses upon myself. I was told many times to "calm down and relax". But of course, when someone tells you to do something, some of us won't do it until it's our idea. I am one of those people. I'll figure it out eventually, when it's my idea.

Not only am I not putting myself on the back burner, I am also not treading around people's feelings. I'm not being mean to anyone, but I am not holding my tongue and not saying my piece because it'll hurt some one's feelings. This I've been working on for awhile now, but I think I have finally got the hang of it.


Sep 6, 2008

Another cure for a pissy mood

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 3 friends have commented
I woke up in a fine mood, then I don't know what happened. I got really bitchy. So I decided to take some time for myself and this is what I did...because you care..I know you do.

Find and put on tanning thong..CHECK!

Grab my Ipod...CHECK!

Find my tanning towel, make sure it's clean *it is*..CHECK!

Rub oil all over my body, to the point I look like an oil slick...CHECK!

Lay out on the trampoline....CHECK!

Proceed to tramp tan for a few hours while Husband takes care of everything and I do NOTHING...CHECK and CHECK!!!!

2 hours more bitchy mood and a nice tan...AHHHHH the power of the sun

Sep 5, 2008

The proverbial slap in the face

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 2 friends have commented
I created this blog to bitch and whine about my life. Not my family life, per se, but things that relate to me personally. Thoughts about my friends, missing my mom, and things of that nature. I have a family blog that I update our extended with. They can read anything they want about whats going on with us. Just kind of a way to keep everyone in the "know", so to speak. I try not to bring my family into this blog because this is MY space. It's my space to say whatever I feel needs to be said to keep me from going crazy. This is where I do all my over analyzing, all my complaining or rejoicing. That being said..I had something happen today, that I can't put on my other blog. It's too personal, to me, to put on there. I'm not asking for sympathy, or fishing for compliments. I just need to get this out. It may sound a little *a lot* like "oh poor poor me", but I've tried so hard to get over this today and I just can't. I know I will feel better after this is all out, so here goes the purging of these thoughts. I need to get through this.

Today was Zilla's *my son* first day of school, EVER. We never enrolled him in preschool. We chose not too. We didn't feel it was necessary to spend that money when I, a former preschool teacher, could do it. *ahhh the joys of thinking I can do anything* We tried for so long to have him and didn't think we were going to be able to have another child and just wanted to enjoy his childhood. He was and is going to be our last. I wanted to stay home and spend our days playing and being mom and son. We just wanted to be so present in everything. Not that we weren't with our daughter, we were. I was lucky enough to take her to work with me when I went back to work. Her going into kindergarten was no big deal because she had been in school since she was 2 1/2. It was just another school, no big deal. It was weird when she went because there were no children at home. I wasn't working at the time and Husband was. We occasionally had our nephew, but on the whole, no kids. Very strange. Then we got pregnant with Zilla and it was the most horrible pregnancy ever! I couldn't work, even if I wanted too. It was bad, lets just leave it at that. We decided to get my tubes "tied", knowing how many complications arise when I am pregnant. It's such a stressful event for myself, Husband, and baby. It was a decision that didn't come easy to us, but a decision we made none the less. No regrets....on most days

Fast forward to 5 years. Our baby is going to school. Both our children are in school. I knew this was going to be a tough day for me. Hell, this week was a tough week for me. I look at my daughter and I think "when did this happen? Why do you look and fit in with all the other children here?" She has adjusted well to middle school and I am so proud.

We get up this morning and he is so excited he is jumping up and down. He eats is breakfast in record time. Gets dressed in record time. Obviously this little guy can't wait to get to school. We finally get out the door. I'm snapping pictures of him and his cousin walking to school. I'm snapping pictures of him crossing the street, by the cross walk, in front of the school...I was insane with that camera! It took about 15 minutes for us to get to school and the damn thing is 2 blocks away. I was a little bit obsessive about capturing this moment.

We walk into his school and say good bye to his cousin. I wanted to get a picture of them hugging good bye but I got a "Aaaaauntyyyyyy Deeeeee" from my nephew. Apparently I went overboard..oops. I would just like to say I did this all on my own. Yes, I am bragging here. Husband took our daughter to school and I took Zilla. I did it all on my own without any meltdowns. I was a good girl, I'm so proud.

He walks into his classroom like he owns the place. All the teachers are saying how they can't believe he is starting school and how he basically grew up there. How I would work in the work room making copies or cutting out objects for a project and he'd be sleeping in his stroller. They all remember when he didn't have his binkey anymore. They all remember when he started riding his "big boy" bike. The whole time they are saying this, I am biting my lip not to cry, but also I am so happy he will be taken care of. Everyone knows him and he knows everyone. He puts his backpack away and we find his seat.

He does a bit of coloring and talking to another little boy, while his teacher talks to me. I think nothing of it, I have known her for a few years and I requested her, so what she told me I didn't expect.

She told me that he "qualifies" for the "kindergarten plus" program. My heart falls to my feet. My hands get clammy, I don't know what to say. She reads my mind and knows I am mortified. She tells me "do you know how many parents would kill for their child to be put into this class?" Yeah, I do. But I am not one of those parents. I am the one who will happily take her child to school and 3 hours later, pick him up. She goes on to tell me that he is "just a little behind". Husband and I knew this. We knew that he didn't know as much as most kindergartners do when they enter school. Plus he's a "young 5". His birthday was in July, so he just turned 5. She gave me all the positives about him going to school all day, I barley heard a word. All I could think of was "I FAILED!" The one thing that I am suppose to do for my child, I failed at. I didn't prepare our son for school. Yes, we talked endlessly about it, but I never broke out the workbooks.

I leave him and he's totally fine. He could totally care less that I was leaving. I was happy for that, I don't think I could have dealt with him freaking out and yelling for me. I would have caved and stayed there the whole time. The principal would have had to call Husband and tell him to come get me NOW! It would have ended badly. I am a very over protective mother. Contrary to what me not working with him the past 5 years says about my mothering.

I get home and I talk to Husband. We talk about it and decide it's a good idea to put him in school all day. And if he doesn't adjust well to it, then we'll just move him back to half day. No big deal. After picking him up from school today, I doubt he will have any problem staying all day.

Husband asks me if I cried. I said, "no, I held it in. I am on the verge of tears right now, however". He of course asks me why. I proceed to tell him that I totally failed. "I failed our son. Because of me, he needs to go to school all day to catch up." There are a lot of pauses and deep breaths in that statement, but I got it out. He the lectures me, lovingly, "you need to get that perfection thing out of your head!". I am always striving to be "perfect"..yeah not anymore. He totally gave me the best pep talk ever. I'll try to do it justice....

Me: It's hard for me to just give up on the "perfection" thing. I want our kids to be great at what they do. It's the least I can do as their mom. I've devoted my whole life to this, it is the least I could do.

Him: You did a lot of fun stuff with him these past 5 years. you did a great job despite your mom and my grandfather dying. You not only have raised our kids, you raised the other 3 *cousins*

Me: You're right, I did do a lot of fun stuff with him, but I could and should have done more. All we did for the past 5 years was play in the rain, jump in puddles and go on worm hunts

Him: Did you have fun? Did he have fun?

Me: Hell yes, we had fun! It was a blast. He taught me so much and relaxed me so much. I got to be a kid again for the past 5 years.

Him: You bonded. That is priceless. He was able to be a kid for the first years of his life. That is because YOU took the time to get him dressed to go play in the rain. You took the time to scour the backyard for worms and make mud pies. Maybe he can't count to 10, but he knows that his mom will go jump in the mud puddles with him and will teach him why worms mean our flowers will grow. He WILL learn to count to 10, he is fine. He isn't suffering because he can't count to 10 yet.

Me: *sigh* You're right..I was lucky to be able to stay at home and just play with him. I am grateful that I had that opportunity, but I just think...

Him: NO! You can't think or justify your actions. You are a god damn good mom and our kids are lucky to have you! So now that we have the next 2 hours to ourselves...what ya wanna do *wink wink*

Me: *laugh*..knock it off, I'm going for a run.

So yeah...I felt like a failure this morning and right up until I reread what he said. Now, I am pretty god damn proud of myself. I did do a good job! Just because I didn't do it the way most mothers do, doesn't mean I did it wrong.

When we picked him up from school today, he was all smiles and talking. We asked him if he missed us his reply was..."no, I forgot all about you guys until you picked me up"...uhhh ouch! Hey Zilla wanna pick up my heart that just broke into a million pieces and is now laying at my feet? Damn kid, he is never afraid of to say whats on his mind, I love it. I just hope he learns a little control.

So, starting Monday, I will have 6 whole hours to myself! I will drop Zilla off at school, drop off Nae at school and then...who knows! I can do whatever the hell I want! I haven't had this in 11 years. OK, well I had it for 1 month when Nae started school before we got pregnant with Zilla, but this time I know it's time for me. I might look for a job, I might not. I might take some cooking courses, I might not. I can go to breakfast with Husband, I can take an uninterrupted shower, I can go to lunch with a friend. I can even go to lunch with a friend that has a penis *gasp* or I can go to lunch with a friend who has a vagina. That won't be as much fun because nobody will talk about me when I leave the restaurant. Yeah I like to make tongues's a gift.

Sep 4, 2008

Judgmental people piss me off!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 3 friends have commented

Let me set the stage here for ya....

Last week, I went out with a few friends. School was starting soon and I wasn't going to have the opportunity go out as much as I was able to the summer. So, this was my last hurrah so to speak. Husband gets home around 11 pm and my friends pick me up and we head off to her house. All is well at home, kids are good to go, husband is home and I am able to have some "me time".

We get to my friend's house, sat around talked, laughed had a great time. One of her friends, whom I've met one time was on leave from the Navy and we were all talking. We decide to go to a local bar and listen to some karaoke. We grab our designated drives and off we go.

I walk in and there's some people I know, I say my hello's and do some flirting. I'm married, not dead. Apparently this is a BIG no no to people.

Someone was singing and I sat there and listened to his voice which was amazing. I'm talking and laughing to one of my other friends who just happens to be a guy *gasp*. The gal that's doing the D.J.'ing for the night INSTANTLY hates me. She gives me a dirty look. I totally ignore it, mostly because I'm naive and I think it wasn't MY fault. All I did was talk and flirt some.

The night takes a nose dive when one of our friends has a few too many and proceeds to throw up all over the bar, Uhhggg. We drag her into the bathroom and my friend takes care of her. I got her water, but then I left. I thought my friend had it under control, but apparently i was told to get help. I didn't hear that, but no big deal. As they were in the bathroom, I started talking to the guy who's on leave. We're sitting there, drinking our beer, and talking. Just talking. He's a youngin, if I were to have an affair *which I won't* it's not going to be with some 20 something young buck who is in the Navy no less! We play some pool and have a great time. He drives me home and that's it. I didn't do anything wrong, I wasn't being sneaky. I told Husband all about it, it's totally cool.

Then..I find out yesterday that the gal who was doing the music last night called one of MY friends and tattled on me! Seriously?! You tattled on me? The gal she called is one of her friends as well, but STILL! That put phone friend in a position to defend me. Although I totally appreciate that she did, but it wasn't needed! I didn't do a damn thing wrong!

I'm pissed off. This isn't the first time I was disliked for something I did or how I acted, but this is the first time when it was taken this far. I know I can't do anything about it because there's nothing to do. I will not lower myself to her level and confront her. I will not bitch to my friends about it, nor will I spread rumors.

When I am not at home or with my family, I am a completely different person. I have friends who know a lot about me, I have friends who know some about me and I have friends who know nothing about me except I like dirty martinis with vodka and 3 olives. It takes me awhile to allow people into my life. I don't bring just anyone around my family. I keep these lives separated and I am OK with it. Most importantly MY family is OK with it.

So, when some grown woman decides to get into my business, it pisses me off! It is OK for a married woman to have friends that have a penis. I swear it is, right? I will admit that I am a flirt and my friends and I have contest on who can get more free drinks bought for us, but I never lie and say I am not married. I don't ever lead anyone on. I wear my wedding ring and I am always upfront about my marriage. I like to have fun with my friends, with or without a vagina. Husband doesn't have a problem with me being a flirt. He is secure in our marriage, as am I. He and I both know that just because some guy buys me a drink, doesn't mean I'm going to cut and run. Same goes with if some chick bought him a drink or if he bought some chick a drink. We are not jealous people and it's all good.

So why is it necessary for this "woman" to be a bitch and tattle on me? I know she probably has nothing else to do and disapproved of my behavior because I was talking to a man and laughing *oh the horror* and this man was not my husband. So, that automatically makes me a whore.

I can't say that I wasn't totally petty about it when I saw her the other day. I killed her with kindness. I do it all the time. I know when I am disliked and instead of being a bitch about it, which is what I REALLY want to do, I kill em with kindness. I was very polite to her and smiled as sweetly as I possibly could and told her I hoped to see her again. I learned that from my dad. He does it all the time and it cracks me up every single time.

Even though this "woman" deems is necessary to get involved in MY business when she doesn't even know anything about me..I am still going to that bar. I might even do it more often, just to piss her off. Why? Because I have an evil, snobby, bitchy streak and I love to let her out once and awhile.

A few years ago, this would have been a huge deal for me. It would have caused me to try to "fix' the problem or wonder why she doesn't like me, or wonder if I am doing something wrong. way! I am totally cool with someone who doesn't like me for whatever reason. If they don't want to take to time to get to know me before passing judgment on me, then I can do without them in my life. Ahhh the joys of being in my 30's. I LOVE IT!!!!

Sep 2, 2008


Musings of A Beautiful Mess 3 friends have commented
I've been preparing myself for this week. I knew it was going to be a hard one. I knew the reason I had such an emotional week a few weeks back, was directly related to this week. BUT what I wasn't prepared for was this morning. I told myself and everyone around me that this was going to be a rough week.

This week, my son starts school for the first time in the short 5 years this guy's been on our planet. I knew he wasn't going to excel at anything and I worried about his attention span. I didn't work with him as much as I did my daughter. He didn't go to preschool like my daughter did. There were so many emotional tragedies surrounding this little guy's life and I didn't have the mental capacity to work with him. Plus he was our last child and we waited 6 years for him and all I wanted to do was play with him. We did learning activities but on the whole, we did a lot of playing in the rain and got dirty. It's been the best 5 years of my life. He has taught me how to act like a boy and I hope I've taught him to respect women.

I knew when I registered him for school and found out that he would start September 5th, it was going to be very hard for me. I knew I was going to cry and miss him. I was prepared for all of this. I put a call into all my friends and told them that Friday is going to be a tough day. We have it all planned out. It's going to be me in the middle of all my girl friends, crying because my baby is leaving the comfort of my apron strings. I KNOW that when I drop him off on Friday, I won't be able to call my mom and I will cry and my heart will ache because that's always something I knew I was going to do. I did it when my daughter went to school and when my son was born, I knew I was going to do it again. Obviously that won't happen. So Friday will be a rough day. I know I sound a bit over dramatic, but I am going to miss this guy running circles around me all day long.

Today, however, took me by complete surprise. My daughter started her first day of middle school *6th grade*. I walked her and her friends to school. We talked and they joked around the whole time. It was a nice walk. Getting her prepared for middle school has been a year long process, starting in 5th grade. I knew that middle school was going to be a lot different and I didn't want her to fall behind in 5th grade and we made sure that wasn't going to happen. We've had many talks with her about what happens in middle school, how girls and boys both gossip, how she should conduct herself and no matter what...SCHOOL WORK IS MORE IMPORTANT THEN ANYTHING ELSE!!!! I knew it was going to be different then elementary school, but I was not prepared for watching her walk into her new school and start crying!

I gave her a hug and watched her walk across the cross walk and into the school and started crying! I couldn't believe it! I prepared myself for the wrong thing. Not one time did I think I was going to cry watching my daughter walk away from me. I felt like I was loosing the last grip on her "baby hood". She's growing into a beautiful young woman and it happened so fast. Wasn't it just yesterday I watched her walk into her kindergarten class? I remember her backpack that was too big for her body. The one we fought over because it was plastic and cheesy, but that she HAD to have. It was very strange, watching my daughter walk into middle school...WOW

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