Sep 5, 2008

The proverbial slap in the face

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
I created this blog to bitch and whine about my life. Not my family life, per se, but things that relate to me personally. Thoughts about my friends, missing my mom, and things of that nature. I have a family blog that I update our extended with. They can read anything they want about whats going on with us. Just kind of a way to keep everyone in the "know", so to speak. I try not to bring my family into this blog because this is MY space. It's my space to say whatever I feel needs to be said to keep me from going crazy. This is where I do all my over analyzing, all my complaining or rejoicing. That being said..I had something happen today, that I can't put on my other blog. It's too personal, to me, to put on there. I'm not asking for sympathy, or fishing for compliments. I just need to get this out. It may sound a little *a lot* like "oh poor poor me", but I've tried so hard to get over this today and I just can't. I know I will feel better after this is all out, so here goes the purging of these thoughts. I need to get through this.

Today was Zilla's *my son* first day of school, EVER. We never enrolled him in preschool. We chose not too. We didn't feel it was necessary to spend that money when I, a former preschool teacher, could do it. *ahhh the joys of thinking I can do anything* We tried for so long to have him and didn't think we were going to be able to have another child and just wanted to enjoy his childhood. He was and is going to be our last. I wanted to stay home and spend our days playing and being mom and son. We just wanted to be so present in everything. Not that we weren't with our daughter, we were. I was lucky enough to take her to work with me when I went back to work. Her going into kindergarten was no big deal because she had been in school since she was 2 1/2. It was just another school, no big deal. It was weird when she went because there were no children at home. I wasn't working at the time and Husband was. We occasionally had our nephew, but on the whole, no kids. Very strange. Then we got pregnant with Zilla and it was the most horrible pregnancy ever! I couldn't work, even if I wanted too. It was bad, lets just leave it at that. We decided to get my tubes "tied", knowing how many complications arise when I am pregnant. It's such a stressful event for myself, Husband, and baby. It was a decision that didn't come easy to us, but a decision we made none the less. No regrets....on most days

Fast forward to 5 years. Our baby is going to school. Both our children are in school. I knew this was going to be a tough day for me. Hell, this week was a tough week for me. I look at my daughter and I think "when did this happen? Why do you look and fit in with all the other children here?" She has adjusted well to middle school and I am so proud.

We get up this morning and he is so excited he is jumping up and down. He eats is breakfast in record time. Gets dressed in record time. Obviously this little guy can't wait to get to school. We finally get out the door. I'm snapping pictures of him and his cousin walking to school. I'm snapping pictures of him crossing the street, by the cross walk, in front of the school...I was insane with that camera! It took about 15 minutes for us to get to school and the damn thing is 2 blocks away. I was a little bit obsessive about capturing this moment.

We walk into his school and say good bye to his cousin. I wanted to get a picture of them hugging good bye but I got a "Aaaaauntyyyyyy Deeeeee" from my nephew. Apparently I went overboard..oops. I would just like to say I did this all on my own. Yes, I am bragging here. Husband took our daughter to school and I took Zilla. I did it all on my own without any meltdowns. I was a good girl, I'm so proud.

He walks into his classroom like he owns the place. All the teachers are saying how they can't believe he is starting school and how he basically grew up there. How I would work in the work room making copies or cutting out objects for a project and he'd be sleeping in his stroller. They all remember when he didn't have his binkey anymore. They all remember when he started riding his "big boy" bike. The whole time they are saying this, I am biting my lip not to cry, but also I am so happy he will be taken care of. Everyone knows him and he knows everyone. He puts his backpack away and we find his seat.

He does a bit of coloring and talking to another little boy, while his teacher talks to me. I think nothing of it, I have known her for a few years and I requested her, so what she told me I didn't expect.

She told me that he "qualifies" for the "kindergarten plus" program. My heart falls to my feet. My hands get clammy, I don't know what to say. She reads my mind and knows I am mortified. She tells me "do you know how many parents would kill for their child to be put into this class?" Yeah, I do. But I am not one of those parents. I am the one who will happily take her child to school and 3 hours later, pick him up. She goes on to tell me that he is "just a little behind". Husband and I knew this. We knew that he didn't know as much as most kindergartners do when they enter school. Plus he's a "young 5". His birthday was in July, so he just turned 5. She gave me all the positives about him going to school all day, I barley heard a word. All I could think of was "I FAILED!" The one thing that I am suppose to do for my child, I failed at. I didn't prepare our son for school. Yes, we talked endlessly about it, but I never broke out the workbooks.

I leave him and he's totally fine. He could totally care less that I was leaving. I was happy for that, I don't think I could have dealt with him freaking out and yelling for me. I would have caved and stayed there the whole time. The principal would have had to call Husband and tell him to come get me NOW! It would have ended badly. I am a very over protective mother. Contrary to what me not working with him the past 5 years says about my mothering.

I get home and I talk to Husband. We talk about it and decide it's a good idea to put him in school all day. And if he doesn't adjust well to it, then we'll just move him back to half day. No big deal. After picking him up from school today, I doubt he will have any problem staying all day.

Husband asks me if I cried. I said, "no, I held it in. I am on the verge of tears right now, however". He of course asks me why. I proceed to tell him that I totally failed. "I failed our son. Because of me, he needs to go to school all day to catch up." There are a lot of pauses and deep breaths in that statement, but I got it out. He the lectures me, lovingly, "you need to get that perfection thing out of your head!". I am always striving to be "perfect"..yeah not anymore. He totally gave me the best pep talk ever. I'll try to do it justice....

Me: It's hard for me to just give up on the "perfection" thing. I want our kids to be great at what they do. It's the least I can do as their mom. I've devoted my whole life to this, it is the least I could do.

Him: You did a lot of fun stuff with him these past 5 years. you did a great job despite your mom and my grandfather dying. You not only have raised our kids, you raised the other 3 *cousins*

Me: You're right, I did do a lot of fun stuff with him, but I could and should have done more. All we did for the past 5 years was play in the rain, jump in puddles and go on worm hunts

Him: Did you have fun? Did he have fun?

Me: Hell yes, we had fun! It was a blast. He taught me so much and relaxed me so much. I got to be a kid again for the past 5 years.

Him: You bonded. That is priceless. He was able to be a kid for the first years of his life. That is because YOU took the time to get him dressed to go play in the rain. You took the time to scour the backyard for worms and make mud pies. Maybe he can't count to 10, but he knows that his mom will go jump in the mud puddles with him and will teach him why worms mean our flowers will grow. He WILL learn to count to 10, he is fine. He isn't suffering because he can't count to 10 yet.

Me: *sigh* You're right..I was lucky to be able to stay at home and just play with him. I am grateful that I had that opportunity, but I just think...

Him: NO! You can't think or justify your actions. You are a god damn good mom and our kids are lucky to have you! So now that we have the next 2 hours to ourselves...what ya wanna do *wink wink*

Me: *laugh*..knock it off, I'm going for a run.

So yeah...I felt like a failure this morning and right up until I reread what he said. Now, I am pretty god damn proud of myself. I did do a good job! Just because I didn't do it the way most mothers do, doesn't mean I did it wrong.

When we picked him up from school today, he was all smiles and talking. We asked him if he missed us his reply was..."no, I forgot all about you guys until you picked me up"...uhhh ouch! Hey Zilla wanna pick up my heart that just broke into a million pieces and is now laying at my feet? Damn kid, he is never afraid of to say whats on his mind, I love it. I just hope he learns a little control.

So, starting Monday, I will have 6 whole hours to myself! I will drop Zilla off at school, drop off Nae at school and then...who knows! I can do whatever the hell I want! I haven't had this in 11 years. OK, well I had it for 1 month when Nae started school before we got pregnant with Zilla, but this time I know it's time for me. I might look for a job, I might not. I might take some cooking courses, I might not. I can go to breakfast with Husband, I can take an uninterrupted shower, I can go to lunch with a friend. I can even go to lunch with a friend that has a penis *gasp* or I can go to lunch with a friend who has a vagina. That won't be as much fun because nobody will talk about me when I leave the restaurant. Yeah I like to make tongues wag...it's a gift.

2 friends have commented:

Mischief Maker on September 6, 2008 at 11:47 AM said...

Enjoy your free hours! And enjoy your extremely supportive husband. It never ceases to amaze me when you tell me how understanding he is. I have yet to be intimately involved with a man like that. Here's hoping...

Aunt Becky on September 6, 2008 at 2:17 PM said...

*sighs*

It's always so bittersweet, isn't it? All of the accomplishments and milestones are great, and sad at the same time.

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