Jul 30, 2009

What is This Feeling?

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 22 friends have commented
I'm feeling very excited about going back to school. It's all moving so quickly, I don't even have time to second guess what I'm doing. Once the emails came in, I just reacted. I didn't think, I just did it. After the replies were sent is what I sat back wide eyed and said "WOW, I really just did that!". I'm really excited, the nervousness is being replaced by getting as much information as I can. I'm not as scared as I was before, I know this is the right choice. I'm not even stressed out about it. That's what's telling me this is the right decision to make. If not for the future of our family, then for ME! I've never really worked since we had the children. I've been very lucky that I was either able to take them with me to work or stay at home. This step I am taking is just for me. It's a very strange thing for me to do after taking care of everyone for so long. I'm very proud of myself for doing this.

I have been telling people and I've gotten great feedback. My MIL said she is so proud of me. She also advised me on separating myself from my work. That is going to be tough, but I'll do what I can when that comes up. My dad is a huge cheerleader, of course. He is very proud of me and keeps wondering why I'm so scared. I haven't told him that I wish mom were here. Although, I'm sure he knows. Graduation day is going to be a tough day for us, I think. Everyone is so excited for me and I'm feeling very thankful for that. At the same time, I feel like I need to hide it or play it down with some in my life. I'm not sure why that is, though. Maybe because I don't want them to feel bad for not taking the steps to do what they said they were going to do? The fact that I was thinking about going to school, was a huge secret. I didn't tell Husband for months. Then I finally told him and it took me weeks to even take the step forward. And there are a few people in my life who've talked about it and gone as far as filling out paperwork and then stalled. I'm not sure of the reasons, but I think frustration and life were major factors.

In the midst of getting accepted for the grant and accepted for the school (yesterday I got my acceptance email!) there has been a huge upheaval in our home. Roomie got into a car accident. Thankfully she's well and her CT scan didn't find any internal bleeding. She's looking for a new truck and is healing nicely. She's still sore, of course, but the scary part is over. It was really hard seeing her in so much pain and so miserable, but I was so glad I could help her! I was so happy to be able to get her water, make sure she has her meds and such. Plus it was good practice ;o)

Then Peaches' aunt had a stroke and they ended up having to take her off life support yesterday morning. Her aunt held on until after everyone left the hospital around 1AM. The family is devastated over the death of their aunt but Peaches seems to be acting different then I would accept. Peaches went to the hospital where her aunt was the day (Sunday) she had the stroke. She was gone all day and night. She came back on Monday because it was her daughter's birthday and she wanted to take her to the beach. The came home, took showers and then left. She didn't really say much to me. I figured she didn't want to talk about it. Then she went out that night and didn't come home until the next morning. I wasn't home, I was at the hospital with Roomie getting her CT scan. Husband said she wasn't in a bad mood or seemed really sad. He told her three times where Roomie and I were and Peaches didn't say anything. She texted me asking me about Roomie and that was it. Then she came home to grab her stuff because she got a phone call her aunt was dying. I only know this because I texted her to ask her what was going on. She came home sometime early this morning and when I woke up, she went to my bed. I didn't go to her, thinking she needed to sleep. I know it's very stressful being at the hospital with a sick/dying relative.

I talked to her once she woke up and she told me her aunt passed away. We talked a bit about that and then that was it. She changed the topic to something else. Then her friend picked her up and they left. I asked where she was going and all I got was "I'm leaving with Bob for a few days". I don't know if it's the grief that's making her act so off or if it's something else. I think I'm just going to let her be and if/when she wants to come to me, then I'll be here. I guess.

I don't mean to sound harsh or uncaring, but right now, I don't have time to chase her around and ask her whats wrong or drag any answers out of her. I don't have the want to do this. It's time to take care of me and my needs. Right now, my needs are going to school. I can't babysit anyone anymore. I've done it for way to long and when I need some babysitting, nobody is found.

I have gotten really good at expressing my feelings about things and telling exactly how I feel about losing my mom. I've been really good at asking for help when I need it. I even told Peaches, Roomie AND Husband about clicking on the wrong button while filling out the grant information.

It's a lesson in the making. I'm not sure if I'll ever do what I'm "suppose" do to where my friends' lives are concerned, but I am trying. It'll be really easy not to get so involved, when I'm eyeball deep in homework and classes. Like I said, this is the right decision and I don't regret it for one second. I just hope that my friends know that I won't be there to pick them up, like I was before. Time for my little chicks to leave the nest!

Jul 27, 2009

I Found an Amazing Giveaway!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 21 friends have commented
And as much as I would like to keep th is giveaway to myself, I shouldn't. It's not right. I found Summer B and her blog tonight while I was finishing up the ICLW list. (WHEW it was a hard one this month! I did it though, iron commenter AGAIN! W00T!) Anyway, so I came upon Summer B's blog and she just had her 300th post! Way to go, girl! Not only is she having a giveaway but she's having a pretty cool giveaway! Pop on over to her bloghouse and check it out. It's like a whole basket of goodies!

When I woke up this morning, I felt TONS better then I did last night. Then reading all the comments on my last post, made me feel so strong, loved and humbled. Thank you so much for that!

I was a rough weekend. My roommate, got into a car accident on Friday. A woman ran a stop sign and Roomie hit her. It wasn't Roomie's fault, but that doesn't make one feel much better, especially when the driver of the other vehicle is in her 80's. Poor thing, both of them!

I got a phone call from Roomie's mom saying that Roomie was in an accident, didn't know how bad it was but could Husband go down there and get her because Mom was stuck at the shop. I tell Husband, he grabs his keys and flies out of the driveway. My phone rings and it's Roomie asking me where Husband was and if he could come down there, they're taking her to the hospital. As I'm about ready to say he'll be there in a few, she tells me he's there and hangs up. Then my phone rings AGAIN and it's Roomie's mom asking where the accident address is. Once again, as I'm on the phone, she finds it and says "oh this is bad, there's a lot of crap going on down here" and hangs up. I'm doing really well and not having a panic attack. Totally got my death issues in check on this one! w00t!

Husband gets home to get me so I can go to the hospital because Roomie was asking for me. I tell him that her mom was on the phone with me when she came up on the accident. We decide not to go, figuring her mom and dad could handle it. Plus I didn't want to get in the way. I tend to be a bit over helpful in situations like that. Roomie finally gets home and has a broken wrist, a few bruised-possibly cracked ribs, a BUNCH of bruising, but nothing TOO serious. We get her settled in her bed and her mom leaves. I immediately go into "annoyingly helpful mode". I'm asking her if she needs water, when she's taken her last dosage of pain meds and making sure she's doing what she's suppose to be doing. She finally goes to sleep and then Husband and I go to sleep too. It was an exhausting day.

Saturday was a bit better. Roomie was still pretty sore, but was up and moving around. I go to the grocery store and when I get home, my kitchen was clean! I am so very grateful that she cleaned the kitchen but for the love of God, her wrist is broken! Back to bed, she goes! I get her all settled, drug her up on her meds and tell her to stay put! She did fairly well. Up and down a few times but at least I was right there with her making sure she didn't do anything stupid like try to carry her laundry basket! *slaps head*

Sunday wasn't too bad, either. She was more sore, but in better spirits. Her mom came and picked her up and they went and did a few things and she came home and took a nap. I, once again, made sure she had all of the things she needed and she was thanking me over and over again. "You're welcome, this is what friends do", was my reply every time.

Today she went to the doctor and they're concerned about her liver and/or spleen being cut and causing internal bleeding. Her bruising is spreading on her stomach and they're getting darker. They ordered a CT scan for first thing in the morning. Now that the doctor's appointments are made, she's sleeping, the children are in bed, this is when I'm start to get scared. I'm going to the hospital with her in the morning and hopefully we'll get the results and I'm sure all will be fine, but I keep playing the "what if" game. What if the scan reveals a lot of internal bleeding and they go in to fix it and she doesn't come back? What do I do then? I know I'm jumping the gun a bit, but it's what I do. Like I said, I'm sure if the doctor thought it was that bad, they had admitted her today when she was in her office. I'm just a little bit worried.

I'm doing really well keeping these emotions and feelings in check. And I'm not THAT scared, just maybe a bit shook up. I'm worried for Roomie, I hope she's OK. She's in pain and I can't do anything but be there for her right now. I know that's important and I will continue to do that, I just hope we breathe a big sigh of relief tomorrow.

In a few years, however, I'll be able to help her more. Want to know why? BECAUSE I GOT APPROVED FOR MY GRANT! *shocked* I got the email today and I registered for the fall term for pre-nursing school! Holy shit! This is really happening! I have no idea what I'm doing as far as the registering process goes, but I assumed I did it right. I should have word within a few days. If I read the small print correctly this grant is per term. So I need to reapply for the winter term and I think I get the same amount. I'm not sure. I'll ask questions as I go, I guess. All I know is that I have an account with my name on it and my pin number attached it (that I can NOT under ANY circumstances give to anyone) with a certain amount of money in it to give to my financial office at school. *deep breath* this is REALLY happening! I am in shock, I can NOT believe it! I may be going to school in a few WEEKS.....

Jul 26, 2009

Taking A flying Leap....

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 40 friends have commented
More like I was pushed off the ledge of fear!

I've been thinking about going back to school for months. I haven't told anyone, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go or not. I knew that we could, as a family, do it. I knew that any schedule change could be worked with. I knew my husband could step in with volunteering at the school, if I was busy. I have NO worries about Husband becoming a house husband. He's done it before and it was GREAT! I was afraid of FAILING! That is not me at all! I usually don't fear anything and if I do, I face it. It may take me awhile, but I'll do it. I see fear as a weakness in myself. I don't like to feel weak.

I finally told Husband. I felt like a little girl telling someone a HUGE secret. He's told me many times I should go to nursing school. I always shrugged it off as "meh, maybe someday". He encouraged me and thought it was a great idea but didn't push me, he knows better. Not a dumb one, he is! He'd bring it up every now and then asking if I'd made a decision or if I have looked into anything. I didn't. Once again, he left me alone to come to a decision.

I told another friend and she was completely on board with the idea. She totally encouraged me and even wanted to go herself. With every person I told (2), it got less scary. Still scary, but a little less. Then I FINALLY got the balls to email Aunt Becky who went to nursing school. I asked her how hard it was and if she thought I could do it. I basically put my future in her inbox and she replied with a "JUMP OFF THAT LEDGE, YOU CAN DO IT!" And so....I did!

I got online just a few hours ago and signed up for grants for nursing school. *sigh* I am terrified. Not because I am going back to school at 33, that I can handle. I'm doing the right thing by going back to school. I'm scared of failing at this. I'm not dumb, but I don't have above average intelligence. I'm not having a pity party or asking for anyone to say "you ARE smart and you CAN do this". I'm just laying it all out there. I'm afraid I won't be able to "get" the book learning of it. I know how that sounds, I really do! But it's true. I know that if I study, I can pass the tests and I will learn things as I go. All of this I know, yet still, I am terrified!

As I was filling out the forms today, I hit the wrong button and was asked a bunch of questions about my parents. I was asked if they were married/divorced/widowed. I clicked "widowed" *sigh* Then they wanted to know when the parent died and I had to get into my box of things to make sure I had the correct date in my head. Of course I had the correct date in my head! Why did I feel the need to go to the closet and get THE box and look at all the memorial fliers from her funeral?! What in the hell compelled me to do that?!

So here I sit with this weight on my chest. A weight of knowing I did something so scary, but right. And knowing my mom won't watch me graduate from nursing school. It's a bitter sweet pill to swallow. I'm sure tomorrow the things my inner Polly Anna are saying will make me feel better. "You clicked the wrong button because mom IS with me. She knows I'm going to school and is proud of me. Mom will watch me graduate, she is always with me." But right now, I just wish I could call her and say "You're NEVER going to believe what I just did!"

This feeling isn't a good feeling. It isn't a feeling I've had for a long time. It isn't a feeling I've had since I've come to terms with her death. I'm sad. I'm having a "I want my mommy moment". While I know this feeling will go away tomorrow *hopeful* right now, it's hard to walk with this weight on my shoulders.

Jul 23, 2009

Show and Tell: Heaven Scent Boutique

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 30 friends have commented
Have you heard that Tara over at The Johnson's Have Angel Wings opened up an Etsy shop?! Did you ALSO hear that Heather gave her a brand new beautiful web page, too?! You can get WONDERFUL smelling scrubs and body frosting. She calls them body frosting because they are thick and oh so lovely on your skin.

This one is Butt Naked Whipped Body Frosting. Her description of it is: "Butt Naked is a wonderful blend of marshmallow, sugar, sweet heliotrope, honeydew, and vanilla….an exciting blend of pineapples, and tropical fruits." Her description is SPOT on! The smell is like tanning oil and it goes on SO smoothly. It did not leave me feeling greasy at all. When I put this one on, my husband immediately told me I smelled "sexy". SCORE!

This one is Celestial Waters. This one caught my eye right away! I love a fresh, clean and crisp smelling lotion and this one did NOT disappoint! She described it as: "Celestial Waters is a fresh ozone spiked with grapefruit, freesia and various sweet citrus essential fragrances. It will remind you of a relaxing day at the beach sipping on cocktails, soaking up the sun."

This beautiful pink one is Rockin Body Butter in Pink Champagne. This was one of my first choices because I LOVE pink and champagne is one of my favorites, as well. And the thought of combining the two had me bouncing up and down in my chair and rubbing my hands together in excitement. Her description is : "Pink Champagne is a soft fluffy strawberry scent with hints of a sparkling Champagne. One smell of this beautiful fragrance will have you longing for a girls night out on the town. Watch out, the boys might nibble on you!" When I opened this one my husband said "the whole room smells fruity. It's nice". I think that's man speak for "that smells really good on you. If I were a woman, I'd put it on".

And THEN I got a sugar scrub, too! It's called Sweet Sugar Scrub- Vanilla Buttercream Frosting. Her description is "Vanilla Buttercream Frosting is a soft buttery, vanilla scent that will remind you of your favorite frosting on a sweet vanilla cupcake." This stuff is AMAZING! When I opened up my box of goodies this one is the one that I smelled right away. I didn't even have to open any of the containers to smell them, the WHOLE box smelled good! This smell was what hit me first. I couldn't WAIT to take a bath and try it.

I've never used a sugar scrub before, only a salt scrub and I have to say that I MUCH prefer a sugar scrub. The sugar melts INTO my skin and made it feel SO soft. So soft, in fact, I emailed Tara and asked her if she put oils in it because my skin was so soft. Not oily, but so soft. She told me she did put some oil in it.

I also got two smaples in the box *YAY*. This one is Cinnamon Sugar Cookie. Her description is : "Cinnamon Sugar Cookies – Warm and fresh from the oven. This scent is a sweet and spicy blend of cinnamon and sugar with notes of vanilla frosting sneaking up to the top notes. Making these cookies delicious in every bite. Oh, wait a minute, these aren’t cookies! But it smells so good you’ll wish you had some milk." This one I have to hide from Peaches because she said she wants to smell like a sugar cookie all the time! I do share on occasion, but I am hording these for MYSELF! It REALLY does smell like a cinnamon sugar cookie!

And last but DEFINITELY not least, is another sample of Pink Sugar Cupcake. OH MY WORD! It smells SO good! I k now I've said that about eleventy billion times in this post and I'm GUSHING about these products, but it's TRUE! She described it as "Pink Sugar Cupcake is a sugary aroma that comes from ingredients you remember from your childhood. Made with hints of vanilla, caramel, and cotton candy along with a creamy, sugary vanilla frosting." Once again, she's 100% on her description. It smells WONDERFUL!

I seriously couldn't thank her enough for making these products because they are honestly the best lotions and scrubs I've ever used. I have NO idea how she makes these products, but she does and she does a damn good job! I don't like lotions or body butters that make me feel greasy. I hate lotions I get at the grocery store because they make my hands and legs feel like I have a layer of gunk on them. Plus *this is a really lame excuse* I have a touch screen phone and if my fingers are greasy, my phone won't work! My "touch" won't register on the phone and I won't get to the screen I need to go to. Tara's body frostings and body butters passed the phone test. After I used them, I could still use my phone. And since I use my phone ALL! THE! TIME! I was very very very happy.

I want to say a thank you to Heather. She Twittered me and TOLD me, not asked me, to pick out a product I wanted from Tarah's new shop. I agreed with her and said I was going to buy some, but she was not taking no for an answer. This went on for about 4 messages and then I finally caved. She put in my order and when I got the confirmation email, I told her it was TOO much! Noway could I accept all of that. She didn't email me back...either she disagreed with my thinking or was just too busy to retract her order ;o) I am on my knees with gratitude and humbled beyond belief because of Heather's act of kindness. Not because I didn't expect Heather to be so kind, but because I didn't DO anything to receive such a gift. She disagreed with me when I told her that. All I can say is thank you to Heather for being so kind and compassionate and to Tarah for making such wonderful products. You both are amazing and I am lucky to have friends like you!

OK, now that I'm done gushing go over to Mel's bloghouse and see what everyone else is bringing to class and then go to Tara's site and order yourself some goodies!

P.S go over to Heather's blog and enter her giveaway for a tub of your VERY own Whipped Body Frosting in the scent of Heavenly!

Jul 21, 2009

Body Images

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 30 friends have commented
I've read some GREAT posts on body image and I wanted to tell my story. It started when I read Tracy's post. She did a video blog WHILE buying a bikini. It's an amazing post and video and I urge you to watch it and read it. She's an amazing writer, as well. Plus she's my NEIGHBOR! *waves, Hi Tracy* Then Kristin did a post that made me want to jump through my screen and kiss her! She had me with the title of her post: "You Are Beautiful". Finally I read Erica's post and was nodding my head and saying "YES, ME TOO!" the whole time. These are just a handful of bloggers that I love and think the world of. I'm sure there are more posts out there about body issues, but these three are the ones that stood out to me. Here's my story...

I use to have MAJOR body issues...who hasn't OR doesn't, right? This moment in my life, I'm pretty happy with my body. I could do more crunches (invented by the devil, I am SURE) but I don't. I could run more, but I don't. I'm not lazy, I walk just about everywhere I go, but I could do more. I was running just about every day, but I got frustrated with what it was doing to my thighs. They became "bulky" and the shorts and jeans that fit me BEFORE, no longer fit me. The whole "my vagina is hungry and is eating my shorts" look wasn't for me. I know why my thighs are rubbing together and it looks like my vagina is munching on my shorts, but nobody else knows that! It would look like my shorts no longer fit me and I need to get new ones. Which, in a sense, is true, but not really. I know I am making no sense and I realize that NOW, but as I'm walking down the street doing the "shuffle to get the shorts out of my crotch" it made perfect sense to just stop running because it wasn't working for me.

My body issues started when I was in high school. BIG surprise, no? I had a boyfriend who told me I was fat. Yes, I'd love to see him now and tell him where he can shove his comments, but then it made a HUGE impact upon my life. I was NOT fat then. Not even a little bit. I had athletic thighs from softball and hips, but not fat. He told me this and I decided to "fix" it. It wasn't a conscious decision (that I can remember), but it happened. I became anorexic. I stopped eating. I can't stand to throw up, so I could NEVER be a bulimic. But not eating? No problem! I would seriously live on one meal a day, if that! I would eat like a bird. Everyone thought this was so cute, at first. Then it became apparent there was a problem. The problem was that I was passing out A LOT. A few times in school, once at work, and a few times at home. The time it became apparent there was a problem was when I got up in the middle of the night to pee and passed out on the toilet. I could have just came too and gone back to bed and nobody would have known, but my head was stuck between the tank and the wall. So I had to be rescued......by my parents *sigh*. I was embarrassed but more concerned that they were going to ask why I was passing out all the time. About a week before, I had passed out in school. The last thing I remember is sitting in math class and the room going dark. Then I was waking up on the floor.

I did my best to let convince everyone I was just stressed out. Prom was coming up, finals, mid-terms..anything I could come up with. Finally they all realized something was wrong. My parents thought something was really wrong with me and we went to many doctors and many specialists. Ironically enough, it turned out I had a mild case of epilepsy. Which, I'm sure was due to my not eating. Who knows...all is well now.

The last straw was when I passed out at work. I was working for a grocery store and was the bottle counting chick *sexy*. That's where I met my husband, actually. We had been dating at this time and I had gotten my weight down to MAYBE 100 pounds. I'm 5'2" and I looked horrible! (to everyone else. To me, I thought I looked great) Husband had gone into the Navy by this time and once again, I was obsessed with my weight. The obsession would come and go. There were times when I could allow myself to eat and times I would not allow myself to eat.

So, I'm doing my bottle counting thing when I start to feel light headed. I grab onto a cart and down I go. Thankfully my dad was there returning his bottles and cans and pushed everyone out of the way to get to me so I wouldn't smash my head on the concrete floor. Not to mention bury my face in a puddle of stale beer and soda..GROSS! He and my supervisor carried me into the back room, cleared off a desk and laid me down. I remember this as a dream, I was in and out of consciousness., still. I went home and slept the rest of the day. I think my parents told my *now* in-laws because somehow Husband knew about it.

From then on out, my eating habits were scrutinized. I was asked many times if I had eaten and what I did eat. Even Husband got in on it and he was either in San Diego or in Japan. Doesn't matter where in the world he was, if I got a phone call from him, his first words were "did you eat today? What did you eat? You HAVE to eat!" Dinner time was horrible for me. I knew I had to eat, but having everyone stare at me and watch me, just made me NOT want to eat. My older sister threatened to force a sandwich down my throat. She made good on that threat, too. She sat on my chest and forced me to eat. Oh I was SO pissed off at her!

After years of not eating and not taking care of myself, I realized being 100 pounds is not OK. It's not how my body is meant to be. Rarely if ever do I have a regression. A little over a year ago, I remember looking at our laxatives and thinking "I could take those and lose a quick 5 pounds". I didn't take then, but the thought alone was enough to scare me. I told Husband about it and my mom. I didn't and don't want to go back to where I was back then. I won't lie and say I don't want to be 100 pounds, because I do. I just know that it is not healthy. It is not how my body was made to look. I have hips and breasts, weighing 100 pounds does nothing but make me look sick.

Today I am still 5'2", but I weigh 140 pounds. I've tried healthy eating, which works. I've tried exercising, which works as well. These work in the way that they make me feel good, they don't make the scale move, however. I'm not even sure why. I seriously ran a mile every day, ate healthy for a month and that damn scale never moved. I was more annoyed, then upset. I try not to diet as I know it will bring me back to that place. Actually, I NEVER diet. I am against dieting. I will never be an advocate of it. I will, however, be an advocate of exercising and eating healthy, but NEVER dieting.

I realize that if I choose to put healthy foods in my body and become more active, then I am setting a good example for the young girls in my life. I realize that I will NEVER love my body 100% of the time. I also realize that I do love my body. It is mine. The little scars, stretch marks and such that pepper my body are mine and they tell a story of my life of 33 years. Most importantly, I don't need anyone to tell me that I am beautiful because I can feel it. It might be stronger on some days then others, but it is there.

By comparison, here is a picture of me in my in late teens (19-ish) when I was around 100 pounds. Don't mind the kick ass curly fro I've got going on but do note the collar bone sticking out. And how my shirt doesn't fit because I couldn't find an extra small. I can see my bones! That's not how I thought I looked back then!

And here I am now..ish. This was taken about a year ago, but i don't have any other full body shots that I'm not in some slutty cop costume ;o) Not much has changed since this picture was taken. My hair is longer, I'm not chewing bubble gum and I don't have that ipod anymore. Other then that, that's me now. However, since running, those jeans don't fit me. They are my favorite jeans, too! I haven't tried them on in months, but I'm pretty sure they won't be fitting me again. *sigh* oh well! There will be other jeans, I will fallin love with.

The funny thing about these pictures is that in the first one I had NO boobs. Now...I've got ALL kinds of boobs. I have NO idea how that happened, but I am NOT complaining!

So, dear friends, what's your story? Do you have a body image story? Do you have a tale to tell about how you hated yourself and thought you were fat or whatever, only to realize you looked great back in the day? Or how you were young and dumb and thought diet pills were the cure to all your woes? If so, I'd love to hear it! Let me know either in the comments or with a link to your blog.

Please come back tomorrow when I show you what I got in the mail. Hint: Photobucket

Jul 19, 2009

It Went Really Well!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 34 friends have commented
Please for the love of God and everything that is holy, do NOT submit these pictures to Cake Wrecks! I am proud that I did this cake. However I am NOT going into cake decorating business ANYTIME soon. I'll leave that to the experts such as Sassy and KimboSue. And anyone else who can decorate a cake better then I...such as ANYONE!

It started on Saturday when I baked both layers, with a cake mix. I totally cheated because I knew I was going to be STRESSED out with the fondant and if I had made a cake from scratch, I would've gone CRAZY! I baked them, let them cool and put a layer of icing on them. The icing I made came out a bit thin, so I put it in the fridge for a bit and it was fine. It wasn't as thick as I would have liked it for in between the layers, but it was going to work. The cake came out totally lopsided, which actually worked out in my favor, as we were doing a construction cake and I needed a "hole" to put some mud in. I was planning on baking just a cupcake and putting that on the side, but I didn't have to do that, since part of the cake sunk. Totally not freaking out at this point...that's later.

Then I put the whole cake in the fridge while I rolled out the fondant and BEGGED my husband to go to the store and get frosting so I wouldn't have to make more and have it be "runny" again and stress out *some more*. Thankfully, he took pity on me and went to the store. I should've started drinking at this point, I might have been more calm.

Rolling out the fondant wasn't as bad as I had thought it was going to be. Although, cleaning up powder sugar off my counter is NOT as easy as cleaning off flour from a pie crust, but whatever. It rolled out pretty well and it didn't break when I put it on the cake. Which, I totally expected it to do. I probably could have rolled it out a bit thinner, but for my first time, not so bad. Since I chickened out and didn't have the courage to dye the fondant, we had a "snow scene construction site" cake...lol I did find the correct mixture of colors to make brown, which is NOT what was suggested by Master Baker Google when I Googled it. Equal parts of blue, red, and yellow do NOT make brown. I can't even remember what ended up being brown, it was those three colors, but it was not equal parts.

Once it was covered in fondant and it was time to put the trucks on it and the chocolate frosting, is when I started to stress the FUCK out! I had a picture of what this cake was going to look like in my head and it was NOT turning out the way I had pictured. Finally, I let it go. Husband, thankfully, talked me off the ledge and gave me "permission" to screw up this cake. Worst case scenario, we'd go to the grocery store before Zilla's birthday party and get another cake. Once again, wine would have helped me here ;o)

I opened up the frosting and Zilla and I went to town on the cake! He told me where he wanted his trucks and how he wanted one to "look like it crashed, with mud ALL over it". The "tracks" in the "snow" were Husband's idea. We drove the trucks through and cut out the fondant with a knife. It worked really well and when we pulled off the fondant, it REALLY did look like the truck had drove through it! I was really pleased at how it was coming together.

Zilla HAD to have his name on his cake and his age. So I did that...and THAT'S where it went downhill! I bought the correct icing but didn't even THINK to buy tips *slaps head*. So, his name came out like he wrote it. Sadly, he probably could have done a better job, but oh well, I tried. the best part was that Husband came in as I was feeling all disappointed about how it turned out and suggested I use the yellow icing to outline his name. I told him he was MORE then welcome to try that. So he did and it didn't work! So, I felt a little victorious that the one who has NO artistic talent at all *me* didn't do any better then the one who does *him*. Childish, I know, but STILL, made me feel better. Which is why there is a little random "happy birthday" decoration that doesn't even match on the cake. That's where Husband tried to use the yellow icing. Couldn't really erase it, so we just covered that little mistake up...lol Nobody knows about that..shhhhhh

The best part of the whole thing is when all of Zilla's friends came over, he took them directly to the fridge and showed them his cake. He was very proud of it and was very proud that his mom made it.

Everyone was very impressed with it and thought it looked really great. Even if they were being nice, it was good to hear. Dinner was a success, even though MAYBE two of the six kids that were here, ate it. All of the adults really liked my lasagna and I got LOTS of compliments on it. I'm always a bit too critical of my cooking, so I thought it wasn't as good as the last time.

The in-laws didn't go insane with all the extra WILD boys running around. They got Zilla cool toys and my FIL was very pleasant to be around. Probably because they had just bought a new car and he was either in shock, or on a "new car smell" high.

I still have a whole box of fondant left over and I might try to dye some of it. Maybe I'll even bust out another cake and it'll look super cool! I might even go as far as to buy tips for my icing next time. It was a learning experience that could have turned out A LOT worse. I'm happy with how the cake turned out and the events of the day. I am MORE happy that it's over and I can go to bed soon...ahhh my bed is calling me name!

Jul 18, 2009

ACK It's Going to be a Busy Day!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 19 friends have commented
Today I'm going to be cleaning the house and making a cake! And I am TERRIFIED! Not terrified of the house cleaning, that I can do. I don't WANT to do it, but I can. It's the making of the cake that I'm terrified of. Somehow I got it into my head (with help from Husband) that I can make a "Cake Boss/Ace of Cakes" cake. At first I was like "oh hell yeah I can do that!" Now? Not so much.

I've got the cake mixes. There is NO way if I'm using fondant for the first time, I'm making a cake from scratch! I bought the pre-made fondant...at Walmart no less! I was not expecting them to have it. I was going to make my own and called around of glycerin and it was $20 for 18 ounces of it! Oh hell no! First of all, I don't need 18 ounces of it, second of all, I'm not paying $20 for something I don't think I'm ever going to use again! Now all I have to do is bake the cakes today and decorate them tomorrow. I'm scared!

I've got a pretty good idea of how it's SUPPOSE to look in my head. And I've enlisted help from Tracy, but I'm pretty nervous. I'm not quite sure how this is going to turn out.

Tracy says it'll be easy. Husband says it'll be easy. Peaches say it'll be easy. Me? Still not sold on the idea. Any fancy cake decorators want to come to Oregon and help me with this cake? You can sign your name on the side! I'll pamper you before and after the cake is done. I'll let you boss me around. Whatever you want! I'll even kick Peaches off the couch and you can sleep there. I make REALLY good omelets and coffee, so we can have a wonderful breakfast. Any takers? Please?! *sigh* didn't think so.

OK, off I go to attempt to make this cake. Hopefully I'll be able to update ya'll tomorrow with pictures of a BEAUTIFUL cake and hilarious stories of how it all went down....

Jul 16, 2009

Show and Tell: Costume Parties Are Fun!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 21 friends have commented
Every year, a friend of ours has a birthday party and we are TOLD that we MUST wear costumes. Our friend is a very dramatic gal. Not that she always has a lot of drama in her life, but she is in theater and everything she does has a flair of the dramatics to it. We love her and she cracks us up! Another event coincides with our friend's birthday. There is a group of soccer coaches and trainers that come from California to run a camp every year at the college here in town. Both of these event are a perfect recipe for lots of laughs, some random photos taken (and shown a year later), getting to know some new people, AND looking at some delicious eye candy that are the soccer coaches and trainers. Just looking, NO touching! Until Tuesday night when I dressed up as a cop...

One of the coaches came up to me and asked me to "arrest" his friend. He was VERY serious about it, too! He said "will you do me a huge favor and arrest my friend over there?! It'll be so funny. He won't know what to do!" I, of course, had to oblige because I had HANDCUFFS! How was I suppose to go all night without using them?! So I pressed him against the wall, frisked him and cuffed him. Then I took him outside so we could get some GREAT pictures. He was a good sport about the whole thing and totally cracked me up! **don't mind my slutty thing highs, please. They we well hidden except for this ONE picture**

Peaches was Strawberry Shortcake, another friend of ours was a Playboy Bunny and then we had a cowgirl in the mix too.
The picture is a bit dark, but I think you can get the gist of it. I didn't get a pic of Peaches, she's a bit camera shy and every picture I take of her she insist I delete right AWAY!

There were many stores told about soccer camp by the coaches. There were many drinks bought for us by the soccer coaches. Thank you soccer coaches from California!!! And there was NOT a lot of sleep to be had by many. We got home around 4am and didn't get to sleep until around 5am! I was pretty useless the next day, as was Husband. When us girls got home, we of course had to tell him everything that happened and wouldn't shut up until we were done telling our events of the night. He is so patient! He, also REALLY enjoyed my costume......

Can't wait for next year!

Jul 10, 2009

Ahhhh Much Better!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 16 friends have commented
****children mentioned****

Thank you all for your amazing comments on my last post. I know I was a bit whinny and over dramatic and nobody said a thing about it! Thank you, ya'll are simply The Best!

Just a few minutes after I hit that lovely, sometimes scary, "publish" button I felt a HUGE weight lift off my shoulders. I've done so well at disconnecting myself from Peaches and her decisions. I've even done a wonderful job at disconnecting myself from my other friends' decisions. It isn't my life and their choices won't effect my life. They may effect my life, but not in the same way they will effect their OWN lives. It's a very emotionally healthy way to live. It's taken me awhile to get here, but here I am. I'm sure I'll have set backs every now and then and run around like Chicken Little, but I'll always come back to sanity.

Today was a pretty big day here. It was Zilla's big birthday. The little guy turned six! We had a great day of opening presents and having "birthday pie". He requested mac and cheese, from a box :-| with hot dogs and a pie I made for Peaches' birthday on Wednesday. And that's what he got. Husband and I stayed up until 3am wrapping presents (me) and decorating the house (us). It was a very long day. Not only was it long because I didn't get to bed until 3am, I had stayed up until around 2am with Peaches and another friend drinking wine and celebrating Peaches' birthday. WHEW! Too many birthdays in one week! Although, I am SO thankful that Peaches wanted to chill out by the fire and have a few glasses of wine with girl talk and not go out. I'm old and wouldn't have been able to handle it like the rest of em. Plus none of them really have a family, so they're able to drink or stay out until all hours of the morning and then sleep it off all the next day. Me, not so much.

Anyway, sorry got off track....so today we celebrated Zilla's sixth birthday. He opened up his presents and ran around all day saying "because I'm the birthday boy". Apparently, because it was his birth day he could do whatever he wanted. How cute! Silly boy doesn't realize I get to do whatever I want NOT him! I did tell him it was my "give-birth-day and I could do whatever I wanted, too" He didn't buy it. Next Sunday is The Party. We were going to have a party for his friends and then a party for family, but Husband thought it would be better to combine the two. It's his family that will be here, so if he wants to drive his parents crazy with a group of wild boys, them by ALL means, lets combine the two! This will be fun blogging material, stay tuned for THAT entry next week!

Other then the birthday week, all has been going well around here. I feel very good about detaching myself from certain decisions and allowing choices to be made. It's not like I wouldn't allow choices to be made, I'll just stay out of it.

I'm too tired to string anymore words together to form some sort of sentence, so I will go to bed. Night all. Sending out warm thoughts to everyone!

Jul 8, 2009


Musings of A Beautiful Mess 18 friends have commented
I can usually emotionally detach myself from certain situations, but for some reason I can not detach myself from Peaches and her situation. I feel as if every decision she makes, it's a decision I am making. I feel the same kind of dread, happiness, accomplishment, or whatever she feels. Right now, I am feeling like her choice to be a friend to someone whom she was romantically involved with is the worst decision EVER! I can't help but shake my head and judge her choice. I know it isn't MY choice and I shouldn't judge her, but I can't help it. I think it's because her decisions directly relate to me. I'm the one who will have to pick up all the pieces and put them back together. I'm the one who will hold her while she cries or get pissed off with her if she's pissed off.

She has issues, we ALL have issues, but hers are issues that make her seek out men to make herself feel validated. It's horrible and it shouldn't be like that, but that's the way it is. So, I know why she's seeking out a friendship with this guy, but it isn't the right choice to make, right now. She should not have gone over there last night and stayed the night with him. She should have NOT slept in the same bed, even if they didn't have sex. Sex is the least of it. If she needs or wants a booty call, who am I to stop her, but if she spends a lot of time with this guy, she's going to go right back into the situation that put her on my doorstep in the first damn place!

She's not leading him on, but she knows what he wants and what she doesn't want. She has WAY too much shit to do to get her life on track and the LAST thing she needs is to have a man screwing all that up. I know her and I know she can get lost in a man. She will be having so much fun being adored by him, spoiled by him, she'll forget to look for a job. She'll forget her deadline to get her registration paperwork in. Nothing else will matter but him and the time they get to spend together. She will spend hours at his house, like before. She will talk about him, like she did before. She will get all wrapped up in him and forget about everything and everyone else. It sounds like I'm jealous, but I'm not. It would benefit me if she did get wrapped up in this guy, or any guy for that matter, because she will leave my house. BUT, I will have to pick up the pieces when they break up. I'll have to listen to her when she kicks herself because she didn't get signed up for school in time. All I'll be able to do is the "I told you so" dance. I've done it so many times, I'm not enjoying it as much.

I'm at a loss. I have no idea what to do. I'm HOPING that she will do what she says and they are just going to remain friends, but I see that as an unlikely outcome. I really hope I am wrong. I hope the vision I have of her future is wrong. I really hope the last year of depending on a man has taught her something, ANYTHING and she won't repeat the same mistake, for the third (fourth?) time.

More importantly, I hope I can detach myself from her decisions and choices. It's stressing me out and putting me in a very bitchy, cranky mood. I don't want to be cranky, I want to be happy. I want to be able to look at her and not be so emotionally invested that her choices are hurting me and my heart. I need to detach myself. I need to be selfish, for once in my life. I can't allow her and her choices to run my moods. It is time for me to change. It's time for me to let her go and let her be free to make a life of her own. I can't be the one to pick up the pieces all the time. She is her own person, she is a GROWN woman and I need to remember that. She is not a child. She is capable of making choices, right or wrong. They don't have to effect me.

Hopefully if that I say that enough times, I will start to act up on it. I'll let her do her thing and I'll do my thing. She isn't my project. I can't fix her. She needs to fix herself. *deep breath* OK, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to let her make her own decisions and I will not allow them to effect me.

ETA: It's working!!! So far...AHHHHH thank you blogging!

Jul 5, 2009

Nonesense And Stuff

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 19 friends have commented
It has been SO crazy around here lately! Peaches is here, which explains me lack of computer time. Which has been killing me inside, btw How sad is it that I think about all my lovely ladies and gentlemen when away from my computer? Maybe not sad, but definitely obsessed! I just love all of you and miss not reading you at my leisure.

My blog is very personal to me. My family and my friends know I blog, although they do NOT know my blog name or anything about my blog. Except that I do it and I talk about it and how excited I get when I jump up and down and clap for good news or when I am sad about the bad news. I did once give Husband my blog address but he chose not to read it. It was when I was really upset about mother's day and going through all that grief crap. He wanted to understand better what was going on in my head. But when I gave it to him, he felt "weird" reading it. He said "I want to know what's going on with you, but I'm afraid that if I have the link and read it, you will censor yourself." I wouldn't do it intentionally, because there isn't anything I hide from him, but I might do it unintentionally and that would defeat the purpose of MY blog. So we left it at, if he wants to read something I'm going through, then I'll give him the link. I appreciate his concern and I also appreciate his respect for my privacy. There are two people whom, I see in my real life that read my blog and I am OK with those two people knowing because they "get IT". Those two understand the difference between my "blog life" and my "real life". It's not coming across as it should right now *thanks tot he Jack and diet*, but in my head it makes PERFECT sense. Isn't that the way it always is for me though?

Anyway, life is crazy at the moment! Not in a "I want to run away and never come back" way, but still not as it was. Having Peaches here isn't stressful, per se, but having a guest in my home is. I feel the need to be "on" all the time, when she's here. I feel the need to entertain her, or get up and cook or clean when she is. It's very un-relaxing for me. She has been a very respectful guest, so far. She is up before I am AND she cleans me kitchen! HELL YEAH! She does her own laundry and she cleans up after herself. She is the best house guest EVER! The only part that has been a bit stressful is her kids. They are a bit of an unruly bunch at times. They use to not be and I'm hoping that will change, but as of right now, it's tough when they are here. Today was the first time they've been here since she's moved in, but it was still a bit stressful for me. Those kids can AND will eat me out of house and home! They will eat all my bread INCLUDING the crumbs if allowed. Seriously! I curbed them today and I'm hoping that Peaches will see that and continue to curb them or not bring them over, again. I don't mean to sound bitchy, because I do love those kids. But they can be disrespectful little heathens! It's a work in progress.

Other then that, all is well around these parts. Some friends moved close by and so we were over there for a bit, that was fun! And I've been trying to soak up as much sun as possible because I know it won't last. It's been so nice putting my stereo outside and listening to some Snow Patrol and feeling the warmth of the sun, rather then being SO cold. And then when I get too warm, I just hop into our little pool. Which isn't THAT little. It holds 650 gallons of water and goes to about my thighs, so it's a nice cool off. Then again, I'm a shorty, so it would probably reach the average person's knees. Might not be AS refreshing for other's as it is for me. But if you're in the area and need a bit of a cool off, stop by my house! You can hop on in my pool and we can talk. FUN!

OK, I'm pretty sure I've been as random as I've ever been....I hope everyone is doing well and if I haven't stopped by, it's not because I don't care. I care...A LOT! I just don't have as much time, at the moment. And the sun is melting my brain...in a good way ;o)

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