Jul 26, 2009

Taking A flying Leap....

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
More like I was pushed off the ledge of fear!

I've been thinking about going back to school for months. I haven't told anyone, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go or not. I knew that we could, as a family, do it. I knew that any schedule change could be worked with. I knew my husband could step in with volunteering at the school, if I was busy. I have NO worries about Husband becoming a house husband. He's done it before and it was GREAT! I was afraid of FAILING! That is not me at all! I usually don't fear anything and if I do, I face it. It may take me awhile, but I'll do it. I see fear as a weakness in myself. I don't like to feel weak.

I finally told Husband. I felt like a little girl telling someone a HUGE secret. He's told me many times I should go to nursing school. I always shrugged it off as "meh, maybe someday". He encouraged me and thought it was a great idea but didn't push me, he knows better. Not a dumb one, he is! He'd bring it up every now and then asking if I'd made a decision or if I have looked into anything. I didn't. Once again, he left me alone to come to a decision.

I told another friend and she was completely on board with the idea. She totally encouraged me and even wanted to go herself. With every person I told (2), it got less scary. Still scary, but a little less. Then I FINALLY got the balls to email Aunt Becky who went to nursing school. I asked her how hard it was and if she thought I could do it. I basically put my future in her inbox and she replied with a "JUMP OFF THAT LEDGE, YOU CAN DO IT!" And so....I did!

I got online just a few hours ago and signed up for grants for nursing school. *sigh* I am terrified. Not because I am going back to school at 33, that I can handle. I'm doing the right thing by going back to school. I'm scared of failing at this. I'm not dumb, but I don't have above average intelligence. I'm not having a pity party or asking for anyone to say "you ARE smart and you CAN do this". I'm just laying it all out there. I'm afraid I won't be able to "get" the book learning of it. I know how that sounds, I really do! But it's true. I know that if I study, I can pass the tests and I will learn things as I go. All of this I know, yet still, I am terrified!

As I was filling out the forms today, I hit the wrong button and was asked a bunch of questions about my parents. I was asked if they were married/divorced/widowed. I clicked "widowed" *sigh* Then they wanted to know when the parent died and I had to get into my box of things to make sure I had the correct date in my head. Of course I had the correct date in my head! Why did I feel the need to go to the closet and get THE box and look at all the memorial fliers from her funeral?! What in the hell compelled me to do that?!

So here I sit with this weight on my chest. A weight of knowing I did something so scary, but right. And knowing my mom won't watch me graduate from nursing school. It's a bitter sweet pill to swallow. I'm sure tomorrow the things my inner Polly Anna are saying will make me feel better. "You clicked the wrong button because mom IS with me. She knows I'm going to school and is proud of me. Mom will watch me graduate, she is always with me." But right now, I just wish I could call her and say "You're NEVER going to believe what I just did!"

This feeling isn't a good feeling. It isn't a feeling I've had for a long time. It isn't a feeling I've had since I've come to terms with her death. I'm sad. I'm having a "I want my mommy moment". While I know this feeling will go away tomorrow *hopeful* right now, it's hard to walk with this weight on my shoulders.

40 friends have commented:

Jaymee on July 27, 2009 at 12:01 AM said...

the moment will pass, and you will be even stronger having gone through the moment and coming out the other side.

as for the going to school thing, i get it. i know that i can do this grad school thing, even if it is harder or takes me a little longer with the studying. i still walk into class everyday with a knot in my stomach. it really is a matter of walking to the edge and jumping, trusting that you will fly. CONGRATULATIONS, on your wonderful new adventure!!

Lisa Marsh on July 27, 2009 at 12:45 AM said...

You know that nervous feeling you get in your stomach, and how it feels like you have a a plum pit in your throat every time you try to swallow? It feels like "terrified," but it is probably an equal part of exhilaration. You know that you can do it, or you wouldn't have gotten the application.

I have gone back to studies twice in my adult years, once for art history and once for life coaching. I believed in my ability to do it, but quaked with fear at the assignments (perfectionist tendency. My passion for the subjects is what got me through.

It sounds like nursing has been in your mind for a long time, so you know it isn't a whim. You have people in your life who believe in you; husband, aunt & friends. Now, you need to use your self-belief to motivate you through the tough assignments. Pick a positive phrase, like "I know I can do this" or a visual affirmation. Close your eyes and think of yourself in the future; doing your job, in the uniform, saying hello and smiling at a patient. Bring up either the verbal or visual affirmation every time you feel that fear, or both.

I wish you well. You don't need luck; remember who you are and and how much you want it and look to your supporters when times get a bit scary.

SassyCupcakes on July 27, 2009 at 12:53 AM said...

I'd send you my textbooks from when I was studying Nursing & Midwifery but I think the shipping would kill me. :)

You are a strong, tough woman. It will be hard, but what makes you think you can't do it? You totally can. Believe it.

Caragh on July 27, 2009 at 1:19 AM said...

wow i can totally relate to this.
I have been thinking about going back to school for a while. I am lucky because my work will pay half.. which is a great deal.
But jumping off the ledge is hard.
Mothers tend to lend that helpful little push and of course in the back of your mind.. you'll have someone to crawl too if there is a set back.
But your right, your mom is gonna be with every step of the way. Every class, every test, every tricky little moment she will be with you and inside you. I am sure you carry the many good parts of her with you everyday.

Hmm now I wonder If I can do the same thing.

All the best

My name is Andy. on July 27, 2009 at 2:36 AM said...

Way to go! This will so great and you will be an amazing nurse!


'Murgdan' on July 27, 2009 at 3:44 AM said...

Good for YOU! That is awesome! Trust me on one thing...getting started is the hardest part, just making the decision, after that it just happens.

Good job on getting the ball rolling.

cheryllookingforward on July 27, 2009 at 5:12 AM said...

Congrats on taking that leap!

Somewhere out there, your mom is proud of you!

Erin on July 27, 2009 at 6:04 AM said...

Making the choice is almost always the hardest part.

I start my nursing clinical classes in September and yes, I too am scared of failing. The best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to be happy, and if this is the way than go for it!!

I can't imagine how hard it is to have that feeling and not be able to call your mom. I know it isn't the same but you told us a big surprise and we are so excited for you!!

Shelli on July 27, 2009 at 6:06 AM said...

How awesome! Life is much too short to not take a chance on a dream.

Congratulations for taking the first step.

Kristin on July 27, 2009 at 6:34 AM said...

I am so proud of you. And, as for the studying, I can be a long distance tutor. I use to be a paramedic and I took some nursing classes and tested out of a few of the basic ones.

SS on July 27, 2009 at 6:54 AM said...

You're right, your mom is with you. From reaidng you, I think you seem to totally have the nurturing nature that a nurse would have. The studying initially will be a little tough but I bet you'll be a natural in the clinical part of the training!! Good for you for taking this leap-

WiseGuy on July 27, 2009 at 6:58 AM said...

Totally awesome!!! Oh, if I lived close to you, I would have asked you to drop off Nae and Zilla at my place! I can't teach you anything but I could baby-sit.

I like the fact that your husband is so supportive and all. Am also glad that you had somebody to share your inner fears with...

I hope you DO get a grant, and a good school accepts you, and when I am old and ready to fart in a bedpan, I would totally hire you!

WiseGuy on July 27, 2009 at 7:00 AM said...

Okay, the cruel end (to my previous comment) apart, I think that going through that memorials would have opened up a few vulnerable spots again...I hope you are alright.

Anonymous said...

What a great decision. Just imagine how great of a feeling it'll be when you FINISH! :-) I feel that that fear of failure is sooo common. I will admit failure is my absolute #1 fear, and I know that every new situation just adds to that fear. You will do just fine!!!! Congrats on your decision!

Dora on July 27, 2009 at 8:01 AM said...

Woohoo! This is wonderful. Congrats to you for taking such a big leap of faith. You have all of us as your cheerleaders.

As for you mom, I think this post is your way of saying to her, "You're NEVER going to believe what I just did!" SHE IS WITH YOU. Always. Big hug!!

Aunt Becky on July 27, 2009 at 9:46 AM said...

Dude. You will do it. DO it. Jump. I swear the water is warm and the sharks are waaay out there.

Deb on July 27, 2009 at 10:15 AM said...

I can relate to both items in this story. I went back to school two years ago at 35. I was so nervous and it felt weird going back to school, but it also felt really good. I managed a 4.0, not because I'm so smart, I just wanted it so much more than I did the first go round.

As for the second item. I lost my father eleven years ago and I still have those moments when I really need my daddy. I don't know that it ever goes away.


Jules on July 27, 2009 at 11:06 AM said...

Good for you for taking "the leap." I'm sure you'll do fine.

If I had a bit more time and may do so still down the road I want to get a second degree (didn't major in what I originally wanted and just for "doing it" would like to)

Inner Polly anna will kick in - your mom will be proud of you when you graduate :)

kate on July 27, 2009 at 12:15 PM said...

I am SO proud of you! I know the feeling so well. I really wanted to do my best in finishing my degree and I knew the only way I could do that was to quit my job and be only a student. Normal people can handle the stress of work + school, but not me.

Anyhow, one thing that I was really surprised about was how much easier it was the second (well, actually the 4th or 5th) time around. I felt so much more focused and mature than I was when I had started a program in the past. It's like something finally clicked here in my 30s and I was able to really shine. It's like I finally had the skill to understand the level of work required to be a good student.

And intelligent or not, I KNOW that you will have a similar experience. You have endured a lot. You have wisdom beyond your years. You are dedicated to this goal, and I KNOW you can make it. (And I also know that you are far more intelligent than you seem to be giving yourself credit for-- I read your blog! I know!) And I know that you will feel your mom supporting you through all of this, and I know that you will feel her love and support as you get your diploma.

I am so happy for you! And I wish you nothing but joy as you take this next exciting, nerve-wracking, hard-as-hell step. YOU CAN DO IT!!!

IdleMindOfBeth on July 27, 2009 at 12:16 PM said...

I'd say that you are most definitely allowed to want your mommy!

And, thats SO FREAKING AWESOME that you did it! HUGE Congrats on taking the leap!

Jenn on July 27, 2009 at 1:21 PM said...

I am so proud of you hon for taking this leap and risk!!! From this retired nurse to a nurse-to-be, I know you will be FANTASTIC!!!

I believe that your inner strength, courage, and tenacity will come shining through once you get started.

Mom is probably grinning quietly from ear to ear for you!

HUGS my dear!

Anonymous said...

I think that this decision is coming out of the difficult emotional work that you did earlier this year. (How significant that the grant application process led you to THE box DURING the process.)

I'm sorry about the weight on your shoulders, I'm sorry about the re-opened wounds. These happy moments make us want to share them.


Flying Monkeys on July 27, 2009 at 5:33 PM said...

I'm glad you enrolled. Believe in yourself.
I'm thinking about going back in a couple of years and my old brain chugs pretty slowly.
I'm sorry about your loss.

Fertility Chick on July 27, 2009 at 6:08 PM said...

So excited for you! This is an exciting time. A bit scary, sure, but definitely exciting. Sending you nothing but good wishes!

Kristina on July 27, 2009 at 6:11 PM said...

This is wonderful news, good for you!! You will be so glad you took this step.

Scrambled Egg on July 27, 2009 at 6:16 PM said...

Wow, what fantastic news. I have only started reading your blog, but YOU GO GIRL! Yes, you'll probably be among a sea of 20 year olds, but think of the life experience that you have had. And the maturity at that. You'll get the book learning. That part of your brain will wake back up. Heck, we still have part of a functioning brain at 33, yes? I certainly hope so!!!!

Parenthood For Me on July 27, 2009 at 6:37 PM said...

Sorry Dani. But your news is fabulous. Nurses need to be caring and sympathetic and you are so that person. Good for you.

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) on July 27, 2009 at 7:05 PM said...

Hurrah for you! But so sorry about the grief...hugs and prayers...

ryanandjoesmom on July 28, 2009 at 4:36 AM said...

That Aunt Becky - she's a smart one! Good luck and you can do it!!! Congratulations on making such a tough decision. Totally helps when the husband is on board. When do you start?

Poltzie on July 28, 2009 at 10:07 AM said...

Hi there,
I just found your blog and it's already in my google reader!
I've been thinking about going back too, also - very scared!!

Fiddle1 on July 28, 2009 at 10:33 AM said...

I know a lady that went back to school and got her nursing degree at 48. She was afraid too, but she did great. She is a nurse now and really likes it (when she's with the patients that is). She's certified in pallitive and hospice care. As a nurse, she has the greatest influence in any patients recovery or peaceful passing. What a mark for you to make on the world!

This lady also happens to be my mother.

I am sorry that yours is not here in the flesh to give you that excited hug of encouragement. But hopefully you can feel the Internet's hug and, hopefully, you can hear your mom's whispering encouragement.

You can do it!!

KimboSue on July 28, 2009 at 11:42 AM said...

AWESOME! You go girly! I know your mom would be so proud of you!

Sunny on July 28, 2009 at 12:20 PM said...

Even though I have been reading your blog for a relatively short amount of time, it's obvious to me that you ARE intelligent. You are thoughtful and you write very well. WAY better than many of the people in my graduate program. It was quite ridiculous what some of them would turn in for a report.

Just wait until your first test. I am confident you will do awesome and then you will understand that you BELONG there. You will be an excellent nurse!

Coffeegrl on July 28, 2009 at 1:19 PM said...

Awesome!! I love that you took the leap and are going for it! It sounds like so much fun - scary and hard work - but fun! I've gone back to school as an adult and I highly recommend it :)

Mo and Will on July 30, 2009 at 3:56 AM said...

Wow! Congrats for jumping off the ledge and taking an educational risk! I went back to graduate school at age 31, with many similar fears. It was FINE. And it is lovely that I am finally done, 6 years later! Luckily nursing school won't take that long!

Thanks for stopping by our blog earlier.


MissMeliss on July 30, 2009 at 6:16 AM said...

I think it's great that you're going for this!! :) We get scared sometimes, but the thing is... if it is something you want, you'll get it!

I probably would have done the same thing with THE box... and the sadness. My Mom hasn't passed, but I mourn the loss of the relationship I *wished* we would have been able to have. You have so much support, and your Mom is watching down, I'm sure!! I hope you find that peace. :)

I'm really excited for you, though!! And I can't wait to hear more about it! (as I sit here contemplating going back to school, too)


In Due Time on July 30, 2009 at 8:53 AM said...

Congrats on getting into school. I am proud of you. Your mother is too. xo

Deathstar on July 31, 2009 at 7:52 PM said...

Your mum would be so proud of you!

Busted Tube on August 9, 2009 at 12:26 PM said...

Sorry to be so late to add my congratulations, but... Congratulations on your decision to go back to school! This is going to be a wonderful adventure for you! I'm sure your mom is so, so proud of you!

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL on August 10, 2009 at 7:24 AM said...

Hi, Dani! I'm finally back from vacation!!

--Sorry you're missing your Mom in extra amounts due to having to look through "the box." I'm sure that must have been very painful. Hugs!

--YEA for signing up for nursing courses. You CAN do it! (A tip I learned that has helped me immensely---write all your notes by hand during class, then type them out later. Because writing uses one part of your brain, and typing uses a totally different part, it will help you to retain the information better! It works, I promise!) :)

--Now, catching up from your posts while I was away...

--I think it is really cool that your family doesn't have your blog address and that your DH wants your blog to be your private outlet.

--I admire you for the way you are handling having Peaches (and sometimes her kids) in your home!

--Happy late bday, Zilla! Your cake rocked, I loved the tire tracks!

--Smokin' hot cop outfit!

--Loved your body image post. It was thought provoking.

--Can't wait to try some of Tarah's products...they sound divine!

--Sorry for the long comment. I missed you while I was away! :)

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