More like I was pushed off the ledge of fear!
I've been thinking about going back to school for months. I haven't told anyone, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go or not. I knew that we could, as a family, do it. I knew that any schedule change could be worked with. I knew my husband could step in with volunteering at the school, if I was busy. I have NO worries about Husband becoming a house husband. He's done it before and it was GREAT! I was afraid of FAILING! That is not me at all! I usually don't fear anything and if I do, I face it. It may take me awhile, but I'll do it. I see fear as a weakness in myself. I don't like to feel weak.
I finally told Husband. I felt like a little girl telling someone a HUGE secret. He's told me many times I should go to nursing school. I always shrugged it off as "meh, maybe someday". He encouraged me and thought it was a great idea but didn't push me, he knows better. Not a dumb one, he is! He'd bring it up every now and then asking if I'd made a decision or if I have looked into anything. I didn't. Once again, he left me alone to come to a decision.
I told another friend and she was completely on board with the idea. She totally encouraged me and even wanted to go herself. With every person I told (2), it got less scary. Still scary, but a little less. Then I FINALLY got the balls to email Aunt Becky who went to nursing school. I asked her how hard it was and if she thought I could do it. I basically put my future in her inbox and she replied with a "JUMP OFF THAT LEDGE, YOU CAN DO IT!" And so....I did!
I got online just a few hours ago and signed up for grants for nursing school. *sigh* I am terrified. Not because I am going back to school at 33, that I can handle. I'm doing the right thing by going back to school. I'm scared of failing at this. I'm not dumb, but I don't have above average intelligence. I'm not having a pity party or asking for anyone to say "you ARE smart and you CAN do this". I'm just laying it all out there. I'm afraid I won't be able to "get" the book learning of it. I know how that sounds, I really do! But it's true. I know that if I study, I can pass the tests and I will learn things as I go. All of this I know, yet still, I am terrified!
As I was filling out the forms today, I hit the wrong button and was asked a bunch of questions about my parents. I was asked if they were married/divorced/widowed. I clicked "widowed" *sigh* Then they wanted to know when the parent died and I had to get into my box of things to make sure I had the correct date in my head. Of course I had the correct date in my head! Why did I feel the need to go to the closet and get THE box and look at all the memorial fliers from her funeral?! What in the hell compelled me to do that?!
So here I sit with this weight on my chest. A weight of knowing I did something so scary, but right. And knowing my mom won't watch me graduate from nursing school. It's a bitter sweet pill to swallow. I'm sure tomorrow the things my inner Polly Anna are saying will make me feel better. "You clicked the wrong button because mom IS with me. She knows I'm going to school and is proud of me. Mom will watch me graduate, she is always with me." But right now, I just wish I could call her and say "You're NEVER going to believe what I just did!"
This feeling isn't a good feeling. It isn't a feeling I've had for a long time. It isn't a feeling I've had since I've come to terms with her death. I'm sad. I'm having a "I want my mommy moment". While I know this feeling will go away tomorrow *hopeful* right now, it's hard to walk with this weight on my shoulders.