Aug 29, 2008

Holy crap..I'm busy!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 1 friends have commented
Not only am I a scatter brain, I am the busiest one of all!

We told my in-laws we would house/Nana sit for them while they went away for a few days. Not only did I not realize this was going to be in the middle of "ICLW" week, but that NONE of my passwords and such are saved on my in-laws' computer..yeah I'm dumb I know!

We get here Wednesday and I jump right into "caretaker mode" and get the children, husband, and father in law settled. I go in a see Nana and see if she requires anything. Let me just tell you that there is NOTHING in this world like seeing the look on that woman's face when I say hello to her! Not only does she get so excited that we are here, but she's so overwhelmed with love for us that she starts to get a little emotional. Which makes me want to cry as well. So our first meeting is usually met with tears of joy. Once we get done crying and telling each other that we love each other to pieces, she calms down and goes back to her knitting. She will be 87 in a few months and is a knitting goddess. I wish I could do something, ANYTHING as great as she does with those needles.

As I'm trying to find my groove with Husband's schedule, Nana's and the children, I am slowly going batty. Not in a stressful, "I wish I hadn't said I was going to do this way", but in a "OK where do I start" way. I got my groove, only took me a few hours and all is well. YAY!!

I realized that taking care of Husband's grandmother in a honor for me. I've been in this family for 15 years and never once have I felt like an outsider. They have always welcomed me and made me feel as though I was their daughter. Especially his grandparents. They have done a lot for us and it's a nice family to be in. Nana has never said an unkind word about anyone her whole life. Well that I've heard, anyway. I was told that she got really "mean" when she was in the rehab center, but whenever we come to see her, I NEVER see it. Every time I walk into her room to check up on her or sit and chat, I get nothing but the biggest smile from her. I also get a "I love you so much it hurts" when I leave. She is a beautiful woman, and if it takes me an extra 15 minutes to make sure her night gown isn't wrinkled on her back before she goes to sleep every night, then it is my honor to do that for her.

I was making her bed yesterday and asked her if I had done it right. She instructed me on how to fold her blanket so it doesn't fall off the chair after her nap. She was having a hard time getting her words out, but I stood there the whole time, doing my best to reassure her that it is OK and I will wait. I will fold it exactly how she would like me too. Why? because that woman deserves it! She deserves to have her blankets folded HER way. She deserves to have her tea HER way. Just because she's old and a bit forgetful does not mean that she doesn't remember how she use to fold the blankets at her home.

As I sat there, listening to her tell me a story I had heard a million times. She stops and looks at me and says to me "you never leave me". Oh my, I almost lost it right then and there. She didn't mean it in a mean or unkind way. She wasn't telling me to get lost, she was telling me that she appreciated me sitting there and listening to her and helping her and not getting frustrated with her.

There will come a time when we don't have Nana around anymore. When that day comes I will be heartbroken, but in then end I know she will be happier because she is with her husband and she is no longer stuck in her body that is betraying her so much right now. I also pray that when she does leave our world, she does it in her sleep and it's peaceful. That may sound like a harsh wish, but the last thing this woman needs is to leave this world in pain. She's far to kind hearted for that.

Aug 25, 2008

I was tagged...YAY!!!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 4 friends have commented
That wonderful woman tagged me, thank you SO much!!!!

A. Attached or single? Attached..for 15 years...AWESOME!!!
B. Best friend? Rose..going on 11!

C. Cake or pie? Cake, German Chocolate..oh so sinful AND delicious
D. Day of choice? Sunday...lazy Sundays are THE best!
E. Essential item? Hair dryer..I know that makes me a "typical" girl, but I can not live without that thing! I'm a slave to it
F. Favorite color? Pink *sigh* I know..typical girl...
G. Gummy bears or worms? Bears! Chocolate covered gummy bears are amazingly and oddly delicious
H. Hometown? Lake Oswego, Oregon
I. Indulgence? Handbags...Preferably Coach
J. January or July? July, BBQ's, tanning weather, fireworks...NICE!
K. Kids? Two..11 year old girl and a 5 year old boy.
L. Life isn’t complete without? My family and friends.
M. Marriage date? One of these days....
N. Number of brothers & sisters?4 sisters and a brother.

O. Oranges or apples? Apples in the fall and oranges in the summer...yum
P. Phobias? Something awful happening to my children
Q. Quotes? "Rainbows and sunshine, bitches"
R. Reasons to smile? New adventures, like holding a HUGE snake the other awesome!
S. Season of choice? Fall
T. Tag seven peeps! I don't know who's been tagged and who hasn't been tagged. Please tag yourself if you haven't been tagged. Oh and let me know so I can read it!
U. Unknown fact about me? I've had Pelvic Inflammatory Disease twice and was asked if I got it from an STD and was VERY offended*Didn't have an STD*<----that's the best I could come up with...
V. Vegetable? Bell to slice em up and eat em "raw"
W. Worst habits? Getting too emotionally involved
X. X-ray or ultrasound? X-ray, I know how to use the machine!!!
Y. Your favorite food?Indonesian
Z. Zodiac sign? Sagittarius

Aug 24, 2008

Oops, my bad

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 6 friends have commented
***BAD pictures*** I used my cell phone and it sucks, but also I took em myself..double suck..but you'll get the idea here...When you are planning on going out, keep track of the time. Because..your friend might call or text you at 9 telling you to be ready by 10 because that's when they will be there to pick you up..eek. You think there is PLENTY of time to shower, shave, dry and straighten your hair in that time. Not so when you have hair like mine...this is what it looked like...1st pic...NOT HOT or cute...EEK
Thank GODDESS for the pony tail and the invention of bobby pins, because I was about to not go out because my hair looked like a frizzy bird's nest. With a hair tie, a few bobby pins and LOTS of hair spray I was able to pull off the "chick" look. *2nd pic, with the "I just pulled this hair 'do' together with easy" look* I even picked out a tube top to make the "look" I was going for fit together *which is why I look naked, even though I wasn't*. So yay for making the best of procrastinating all day and not taking a shower and trying to get ready an hour before being picked up..WHEW close one!

Aug 23, 2008

We want it when we can't have it

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 3 friends have commented
*SEX* If you would rather not read about my sex life, you might want to move on, I wont be offended.

My husband and I have been together for 15 years. Throughout that 15 years, we've always had a pretty healthy sex life. There hasn't been a schedule, we don't "do it" on certain days of the week. We use to be very spontaneous about it. Then I got sick '99 and we had to take precautions about it. The days of being able to attack him or be attacked in the middle of day went to the wayside for my health. We had to shower before and be clean because I was very susceptible to getting ANY kind of bacteria and then get an infection..uuhhgg. Oh well, it's a life style change, not a huge one, but something we had to get use to. As the years went on, we fell into the pattern of showering before and it seemed normal to us.

Once the kids came into the picture, sex was put on the back burner for awhile. then my mom got sick and it was put even more onto the back burner. I remember coming home from the hospital and telling him that my mom was diagnosed with cancer and they doctors gave her 9 months. I remember collapsing into his arms and crying. I also remember that night him kissing me passionately and making love to me like it was the last thing we were ever going to do in our lives as a couple. Before that night, I had heard about couples "using" sex to get rid of the feeling of loss or grief. I had never thought it would work. I couldn't have been more wrong. During that time, I didn't once think about the day I had, I didn't think about the impending death of my mom, all I thought about was the feeling of my husband. His skin, his breath, us together. Everything went away, it was a beautiful moment.

During those few months when his grandfather passed away and my mother, we were so consumed with grief, we kind of lost touch as a couple. It's not like we stopped talking, but we just fell into a rut, I stopped sharing my feelings with him, thinking he didn't want to be "bothered". Then I tuned 31 and...WOW....

I hit my "sexual peak". We couldn't get enough of each other. We were like teenagers. We giggled, we had secrets, we'd sneak off, it was SO much fun. Now...still the same. Maybe not AS intense, but pretty close. We're still giggling, grabbing one another as we walk passed, we have our secrets and it's so much fun.

The best part of it is our closeness as a couple, oh and the teasing. He pulled his groin muscle and he is on "release rest". So guess what that means..I'm going to be a TERRIBLE tease and walk around in my bikini all day just to torture my beloved husband *evil laugh* It's going to a lot of fun and when he is off "release rest", I'm sure he'll get his revenge. But for now..oh the sweet taste of teasing him is in my mouth.

Aug 22, 2008

Beautiful day

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 5 friends have commented
Oh it is SUCH a beautiful day today. I sat outside for a bit this morning and soaked up the sun. My plan was to lay on the trampoline and work on my tan a bit. I just want a little bit more color on another part of my body other then my shoulders. Thanks to my dad being Indonesian, it won't take long. I was planning on going out there before my hubby went to work, but that plan got shot out the window when I sat down in front of my computer. Oops..I got to reading, then I got to commenting, then I made brunch and now here I am writing. I'll get out there hopefully in a little bit. If not, oh well...there should be more warm days to get my tan on.

On that note I'm going outside to clean up the back yard and maybe tend to my roses. Those poor things have been so neglected. I do have some "all natural/environmentally safe" insect killer. Maybe I'll go attack those spiders that keep eating my blooms with it *evil laugh* Although it isn't ALL their fault. I did neglect my bushes all winter long and most of the spring and summer. Oops, my least they aren't dead....yet. I think I can bring them back. With the mild summer we've had, I can still get a bunch of blooms out of them. It's never too late....*keeps fingers crossed*

Aug 21, 2008

It's been a good day

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 4 friends have commented
I did stuff today. Lots of stuff, even. I felt a little blah lately and normally when I feel that way I push myself through it. I make myself get over it and tramp all those pesky emotions down. I hate being sad or angry. I love being happy and silly. I don't deal with sadness or anger well. I'm learning to accept these emotions, just as I accept the others. I'm learning that I don't have to have a specific reason to be sad. Something "small" to make me sad and think about my mom or others is ok. I'm also learning that my husband knows me pretty well. He knows when something is wrong before I do. He noticed I was quiet last night before I did. Before I even knew the reason for my quietness. There really wasn't one and that's just fine. I was just having a quiet evening.

So instead of trying to be happy when I'm sad, I gave myself the gift of being sad just because I felt like it. It worked! Today I felt pretty darn good. There are so many changes coming up in our lives and some of them are pretty scary. Most of them are very emotional for me and my husband, but us as a team, can and will get through them. After giving myself the gift of feeling my emotions and not hiding from them, today was a happy day. I did some things that were directly related to the cause of my sadness and it wasn't so bad.

I did some cleaning, made dinner, and ran a few errands. It felt good to be back in the land of the living. I even got to talk to my best friend today. That woman always makes me laugh. I love her as much as I could and in her own way she loves me too. My dinner was a hit! I love it when that happens. Makes me feel like I did something good for my family. Doing their laundry just doesn't have the same effect.

I'd like to welcome and thank all the lovely ladies who've sent comments and hugs my way. Every one is appreciated and read more then once. I'm strange like that ;o)

Here's to many more good days, despite the clouds of sadness that might be lurking at the edges *raises glass*

Aug 20, 2008

Here I am...

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 8 friends have commented
Here I am at the end *hopefully* of a very emotional week. I am still a bit sad and things make me cry easily. Not just a bit weepy, but actually crying. I find myself missing my mom, my dad, my lil sis, my best friend, and my husband.

Obviously, my mom, I will miss forever. My dad lives about 3 hours away and even though I talk to him at least once a day, I still miss him. I miss mother henning him when he visits. I miss sitting on the couch and watching T.V. I just miss my daddy.

My little is isn't so "little". She is only one year and 4 days younger then I and hates it when I call her my "little sister". Yet, that's what I call her and she will live with it. I miss being able to see her everyday. I missing doing the silly stuff we do as sisters.

My best friend moved to Washington a few months ago and I miss her terribly! After 11 years of being best friends and sharing EVERYTHING, she is so far away. Almost 4 of those 11 years, we lived together. We had a lot of ups and some downs, but in the end living with my best friend was something I will NEVER regret. I miss the moments of needing to get out of the house and going for a walk and talking about nothing and everything. I miss how she always gets me and I always get her. She's happy and I am happy for her, but my heart aches just a little bit because I miss that woman!

Every day my husband leaves for work at 1:00. It's been this way for a little over a year, yet every day at 1:00 I get a little sad. I walk him out to the car, give him a hug and see him off. It sounds a bit dramatic, it isn't, but I still miss him. I talk to him though out the day, but I am so glad when it's 11:00 and he's home.

It's been a very emotional week for me, for many different reason. Times are changing and I am learning that no matter what happens in our future, I will have memories and these memories are more precious to me then anything else.

Aug 15, 2008

I think I figured it out...*tear jerker*

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 4 friends have commented
*I apologize if some of this is a "repeat" of another blog. This was a tough one for me*

When my mom passed away, I took charge if EVERYTHING. I helped make the decision to "unplug" the machines, so she could have a peaceful passing. I took a lot of deep breaths to help my dad and my sisters come to terms that mom was dying that day. *she was diagnosed with cancer and the doctors told us she had 9 months, it was 33 days from diagnosis to death* I called funeral homes. I talked to nurses, the florist, the priest,
fielded calls from relatives and friends. I did this, not because I wanted to, but because I felt it was the right thing to do. My father just lost the love of his life after 30 years of marriage. The last thing he should be doing is talking to florists, when he can barley sleep.

I was always known as the "strong one". I'm the one who had the stable marriage, the "well behaved" children, I made the right choices and I was always there to help out when needed. My mom even told me the day before she passed "Danielle, you've always been the strong one. I can't thank you enough for that". She said that as I was taking the clothes out of the washing machine and put them into the dryer and smacked my head on the washing machine door. *It was a stacking unit* Apparently I can be the strong one, but I'm still a ditz *laughs*. So, when the time came for me to "step up", I had no problem doing it, nor did I think twice about it. I was more then happy to do it for my father and my sisters.

After the funeral, the weeks passed in a haze. I remember going shopping for a bra and my husband was asking me what color I wanted and it took me a few minutes to answer him. I didn't care, all I knew was that I was sad and I didn't know how to deal with it. I joined a few online groups, but they didn't help. I didn't get any help getting through this pain, all I got were more stories of sadness. I couldn't bear anymore sadness. I was barley dealing with my own. I went to a therapist and totally faked my way through the whole 4 weeks. I did not want to go back to that day. I couldn't go back to that day. So I didn't. I told everyone I was fine and after awhile, I believed my own lie.

December of 2007 and January, I made the decision to face reality. I will never forget that day, the day my mom died for the second time. My husband and I were having a few problems and we weren't sure if we were going to make it * we did*. My life was absolutely crazy. I had no perspective on anything. I felt alone, and maybe I was. I felt nobody understood how much pain I was in. I tried so hard to be strong for everyone, I ended up failing myself. I found myself that day. It was the second hardest day of my life and I made it through it. I realized I wasn't alone. I realized I lied to a lot of people in my life, thinking I was sparing them the burden of my grief. In reality, everyone knew I was in pain, but knew I wasn't ready to deal with it. I was making it difficult for my friends and family to love me.

In January, the day before her second "anniversary",I sat on my daughter's bed and read all the cards that were sent to me after my mom passed away, I read the memorial pamphlet, I looked at pictures and faced all my demons. I cried for hours. I wished for my mom to come back to me. I wish for her to see all her grandchildren again. I played the "what if" game. I blamed myself, I got mad. I got mad at her, at God and all the others in my life who still had their mothers. I asked "why" more times then I can count. In the end, I came to terms with it. I realized I can't stop living because she has. All mothers want to go before their children and mine was no different. This is the way it should be and who am I to question it and be mad? This is the cards, me and my family were dealt and me not facing it, will only make my life a living hell, literally.

Since that day in January, I have done a lot better. I let my family and friends know when I'm having an "off" day. I talk to my husband because he does want to know and he wants to help me. I am not a burden, my grief is not something I need to hide, nor is it something I can hang on to. I must work through my grief, not drag it around with me for the rest of my life.

For some reason, this week has been especially hard on me, emotionally. I cry easily, I have no control over my emotions this week. I thought it was PMS at first, then I realized *a few hours ago* this is a "wave" of grief. This is my first wave of grief since January. It may be that my son will start school in a few weeks and I won't be able to call my mom crying because he is "gone" from me all day. It may be because the Olympics are on and it was always a big deal in my home growing up. It may, also, be I saw Mamma Mia and I can hear my mom singing some of those songs. I can hear the way she could enunciate her "s" in a song and almost every song I can hear her singing along with the song. I can see us in the car listening to the mix tapes my dad made for our trips and listening to ABBA and her singing along with the song. It's a great memory, but right now, that memory brings me to tears.

This time I am not stopping the tears, I am letting them roll down my cheeks. This is a huge step for me. Also, I talked to my husband about being emotional. This is another huge step for me. I realized I am not a burden and he won't get irritated with me for having a "moment" no matter how many years pass.....

Because, she is my mom and I will forever miss her and there is NOTHING wrong with that!

Aug 14, 2008

What IS going on with me???!!!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 2 friends have commented
I went and had a girls' night out last night. One of my friends and i went and did some leisurely shopping and browsing. We had so much fun. We laughed, tried on crazy shoes, took clothes off the racks, put them back because we didn't care for it, all kinds of fun "girl stuff". Then we went to a movie. We went to see Mama Mia. If you haven't seen this movie...go NOW! It is an AMAZING movie. I was either crying because I was laughing SO hard so I was crying because it was an emotional part in the movie that just made me cry. There aren't very many movies, I would go see again and again, but this one is one of those, for sure! Meryl Streep is absolutely beautiful. She acted amazingly and the rest of the cast was awesome, as well!

I'm not sure if anyone cried as much as I did during the movie, I know my friend cried during one particular emotional part, but I had tears streaming down my cheeks almost the whole time. I've been awfully emotional lately and I'm unsure as it why. It might be all of the changes coming up in our lives, but I don't feel scared. I don't feel uncertain about any of them. I feel very at peace with these changes. I've been thinking a lot about my mom and that's always been an emotion thought, but I'm just not sure why I feel as though I'm on the verge of tears all day long.

I don't feel angry at anything. I don't feel sad at anything, I'm just emotional. Like I could cry over something as small as stubbing my toe. Like rock back and forth in the fetal position, cry. I'm not trying to stop it, I've learned that if I do that, then I'll be at the grocery store and someone will bump into my cart and not apologize and I will have an hysterical breakdown. It's happened before. It's a little on the embarrassing side, but eh nothing I can do about it now. All I can do it learn from my history of being emotional and go with the flow. Even if that means crying over "nothing".

Aug 11, 2008

Getting to know me...

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 1 friends have commented
Since I'm new to all of this, I've decided to do a couple "meme's". To give you a little history on myself.

1. Where is your cell phone? Right next to me, as ALWAYS
2. Your significant other? Sleeping
3. Your hair? Brown, outrageously curly and in need of a good washing
4. Your mother? With me in spirit
5. Your father? He's happy in Bend
6. Your favorite thing? Anything Coach
7. Your dream last night? None, that I can remember
8. Your favorite drink? Dirty martini with extra olives
9. Your dream/goal? Move
10. The room you're in? Bedroom
11. Your hobby? Cooking
12. Your fear? Being able to live the day after my dad passes
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Stable, healthy, and smart
14. What you're not? Tall
15. Muffins? Cappuccino
16. One of your wish list items? Small dog and those rain boots from Coach...told you I was obsessed
17. Where you grew up? Lake Oswego, Oregon
18. The last thing you did? Got more coffee
19. What are you wearing? T-shirt and panties...I'm lazy this morning
20. Favorite Gadget? I-pod
21. Your pet? A turtle
22. Your computer? Is AMAZING! The hubby built it for me
23. Your mood? Good
24. Missing someone? Always
25. Your car? Blazer
26. Something you are not wearing? Socks
27. Favorite Store? Coach...I know I know..ya'll are probably sick of seeing that word by now
28. Like someone? Yes, but he needs to wake up before I throw a bucket of cold water on him
29. Your favorite color? Pink <---me too!!!
30. When is the last time you laughed? This morning
31. Last time you cried? Friday<---ditto

Once again, I won't tag anyone, but if you tag yourself. leave me a comment so I can read and get to know you better.

I got this from

6 quirky things

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 0 friends have commented
Here are the rules:

1) Link to the person who tagged me
2) Mention the rules
3) Tell six quirky yet boring, unspectacular details about myself
4) Tag 6 other bloggers by linking to them
5) Go to each person’s blog and leave a comment that lets them know they’ve been tagged

Six quirky things:

1: I am addicted to Coach ANYTHING. Purses, shoes, cell phone cases, umbrellas, wallets, you name and I want it or I have it.

2: I speak like I'm from Minnesota, but I'm from Oregon. I use the short 'A' sound in words such as; bag, magazine, basketball, and baseball. I've been told it's cute. I try not to do it.

3: I love to walk. I'd much rather walk somewhere then drive.

4: I volunteer at the school for at least 20-25 hours a week. AND I enjoy it!

5: I sleep with a "lovie".

6: I love sharks! Shark week is my favorite week all year long. If there is any program on that has to do with the ocean, I'll watch. I would LOVE to go to South Africa and watch the sharks breach out of the water. I would also get in the water with them, with and/or without a cage!

I was tagged by

I don't know 6 other people to tag. Tag yourselves if it sounds interesting to you, but let me know, so I can get to know you. I am new to all of this!
Have fun...

Aug 9, 2008

My friend rocks!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 1 friends have commented
One of my very dear friends is an amazing woman! I won't say her name because I don't want to be rude and assume that it is ok. So, friend if your reading this, I hope you know this is about you and how much I appreciate you!

We were friends in high school. We weren't "best friends", but we hung out a lot. We'd drive around in her car with our other friends listening to music, rocking out, and day dreaming about the latest and hottest boy on our radar. Graduation came and we all went our separate ways. I was consumed with my life and she was consumed with hers. There wasn't any type of falling out, life just happened.

Fast forward to our 10 year reunion and we got back in touch! It was almost like there was no time in between. We started talking, emailing, and hanging out again. It was AWESOME! I remember us on the phone for hours talking about what was going on in our lives. I felt I had a friend who knew what it was like to not be "perfect" but everyone thinks you are. The issues that come up when people around you think you have it together, but in reality your barley holding it all together. She made me realize I can't be perfect and it is ok to have flaws!

When my mom passed away, she read my emails, read my blog and gave me TONS of support! When I was going though my "face reality" month, she brought me a gift bag full of "depression goodies". There was a bottle of red wine in there, a great bar of decadent chocolate, a couple of yoga dvd's and a card that said it all! I've always tried to be the friend to her as she has been to me the past few years. I hope to Goddess I have.

She is a strong woman, who doesn't have it all together *no offense hon* but fully admits it. She doesn't pretend, she is honest, has a great sense of style, she is compassionate, and is one of the best writers I know. That last one might seem odd, but this woman has a way with words that I will envy until the day I die. I have read her writings so often and try to emulate them, but it sounds bad coming from me. Not from her, from her it sounds eloquent, beautiful and smart.

I can never put into words how much she means to me, most like I'd probably cry. I could never thank her enough for all of her words of wisdom, all of her fueling my fires and talking me off the ledge emails.

Simply put...
Friend...YOU ROCK! Thank you. If I don't say how much you mean to me enough, I suck. I value you and your friendship more then I could ever tell you! I love you!

Aug 7, 2008


Musings of A Beautiful Mess 3 friends have commented
Why is the shower my "thinking place"? Is this normal, or am I just weird?

Before I took my shower today, I was texting Matt and he mentioned something about getting married. Here is where my confessions come into play. He said he wants to make it "real" in October or so. I'll give you a bit of the history of him and I...

I was working at Fred Meyer. I was about 16 or 17, the summer before my senior year. He had a girlfriend and I was enjoying being single after a 2 year relationship that wasn't good on a teenage girl. He says he walked into the back and saw me counting bottles *back int he day before we had those fancy machines* and did a double take. Apparently, he asked around about me and found out I didn't have a boyfriend. Him and his girlfriend were at the end of their relationship and then ended up breaking up. He asked me out and we went to see Jurassic Park. It was a nice date. He didn't try to do anything my dad night try to kill him for. From there on, we were always hanging out. He'd come to my house or I'd go to his. We'd meet up with friends and go to coffee at Shari's or go bowling. It was a lot of fun. Before he met me, he signed up for the Navy and was due to leave in July. We "officially" started "going out June 28th. We spent a lot of time together, getting to know each other and all the other things you do with a new boyfriend *blushes*. We never questioned whether we would stay together when he left, it was an unspoken thing. We knew it was going to be hard, but we wanted to make it work. Little did we know it was going to be A LOT harder then just "hard". He left a month to the date we started dating. I remember taking him to the airport and crying, bawling my eyes out. My parents didn't think it was right for me to be "tied" down at such an early age, but I was a teenager and I knew everything :-|

We wrote letters to each other, he came to visit and I went to visit him when he was in San Diego. it was very romantic. I believe that if we hadn't gotten those 2 years to get to know each other through letters and phone calls, we wouldn't be where we are today.

When I started my senior year, I never felt like I was missing out on anything. I wasn't able to go to a few dances and I missed my prom, but I had been to plenty already. My ex-boyfriend was 2 years older then me and I went to both of his proms and I was also able to go to my junior year prom and another that year. I wasn't missing out on anything, TRUST ME.

He proposed to me in November and we'd only been dating a few months. I said yes and my parents said no. They thought it was too early and I was too young. I can't say I wouldn't do the same, if my daughter was a senior and her boyfriend proposed to her. They were just looking out for their little girl. We didn't get into a huge fight or anything. They game me their opinions and I gave them mine. it wasn't like we were going to get married right then and there. I was still in school. Once I graduated, I wanted more. I wanted more of him and more of us. I decided to move to California and live with him and his roommate. My parents allowed me to make the decision and there were no hard feelings about me moving to California.

There I was in the airport, looking toward my future with my man in a different state. On an airplane all by myself..EEK. I get there and everything was great. We got a kitten and every morning he would go to work. He'd come home and we would have dinner or watch T.V. or something boring like that. He got notice that he was going to have to leave the country for 6 months and it wouldn't be wise for me to stay. So I went home and started over, at home, alone. Thankfully my family is amazing and they made the transition great!

Once he got home, we talked about actually getting married because we never did it while he was in the Navy. We talked about where, when, and all that stuff. the only problem that came up were our religion differences. I was raised a Catholic and he wasn't. I went to Catholic school and it was important to me to be married in my church. He didn't want to get married in that church and stand up in front of all of our friends and family and God, saying things he may not believe in. He is atheist. We've had many many discussions on this topic. We've decided to agree to disagree. I believe in what I believe in and he believes in what he believes in. Neither of us are wrong, we just have different views on the subject. I know that religion is a big deal breaker for most couples. but not us, we just don't talk about this topic often.

As the years went on, we just never got around to "sealing the deal". I had a wedding dress, it was beautiful, but then I got pregnant with Nae and there was NO way I was going to ever fit into that thing again. I was MAYBE 100 pounds when I bought it. I did not want to drive myself crazy trying to fit into it again and get depressed or slip back into old habits of not eating because I thought I was fat. It was the right decision to sell it. I don't regret it.

We always say we're married because it's easier then having to explain that we aren't and then in turn answer the questions and feel like I have to defend my decision. It was important to us, but it wasn't THAT important to us. We knew we loved each other and we were and are happy and that's all that matters.

Now, however, he's mentioned something about not being married 2 times in 2 weeks. I said something to him about it today and he said he wanted to get married after he got his severance check. I was SO excited. I didn't realize until then, that I wanted to get married as bad as I did. Maybe it just got consumed with other things. Like jobs, children, health, and family. Now, I am very excited to get married and call this man my husband and know it's real. It isn't going to be a common law marriage, it'll be the real thing. YAY

Aug 2, 2008

My head is full

Musings of A Beautiful Mess 2 friends have commented
When I was sick and had nothing to do but lay in bed or sit in my chair for a bit, I came upon some blogs. One blog led to another and another and so on and so forth. I came to read some blogs on infertility and they made me think. I thought about my life and the problems we went though before we had Zilla. I don't think I would qualify as "infertile", but my heart went out to these women and their families. What I went though was difficult, but what they are going through, I just can't imagine. I don't pity them, that's rude, I do feel their pain. On a smaller scale, but I can relate. I am looking at my children and the situation I am in, in a different light. I've always been grateful for my children. I don't take them for granted, I always try to do my best everyday at being their mommy, and try to be fair when it's time for a punishment. The past week, I've looked at things in a much lighter way. I'm taking it easy and realizing that I can't do everything. I can't be fair to everyone, there will be some who get the "short end of the stick". All I can do is do my best. I am lucky to be able to raise our children, but I am also very lucky to be a part of 3 other children's lives. As intense as it can get with 8 people in one home, I realize I am a lucky gal. Of course there will be days, I want to lock myself in a closet and hide, but right this moment, I am realizing how lucky I am.

I was talking to Matt today about how he mentioned it would be nice to have another baby, I needed to clarify something. I wanted to make sure we made this decision together and we won't or don't regret it. I asked him if he still thinks it would be nice to have another baby. He says yes, but then continues on about how I don't do pregnancies well and if things were different, ya never know. I did feel better and I don't feel as though he wasn't on the same page as I am. I felt relieved a little and started thinking about how much our lives have changed in the 15 years we've been together. My thoughts immediately turned to my mom and how much I miss her.

Every time I think about our lives, I always think about that time when our lives were turned upside down. I think about all the things he did for me and my family and how great it is that all of us were able to count on him.

Then I wonder when will it stop? I wonder as time goes on, will the "waves" of grief become less intense. I know that they don't come nearly as often as they once did, but they are still pretty intense. One day when I get a "wave", will it be less as intense as it was the last time? If so, how am I going to feel? Does this mean I am losing her again, or am I just facing a little bit more of reality? I talk to my dad every day and usually when I get off the phone I feel great. We have nice conversations about this and that and all is well in both of our lives. Today, I felt a bit sad. We talked about my nephew's birthday and what they all did. We talked about Nae sending him an email and Zilla starting school in the fall. I think it hit me that when my little guy goes off to school, I won't be able to call my mom and cry tears of joy and sadness. Sometimes things like that hit me and I feel like I've just opened up the wound again. I tell myself that she is with me, which I know this, but sometimes it's not enough. I think I am going to go on a walk tomorrow and do a lot of thinking. I think maybe I'll have to let myself feel again, the sadness. Maybe this is my grief process. This might just normal for me. I will always miss her, but some days are going to be tougher then others. This was one of those days and this is one of those moments.

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