Aug 2, 2008

My head is full

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
When I was sick and had nothing to do but lay in bed or sit in my chair for a bit, I came upon some blogs. One blog led to another and another and so on and so forth. I came to read some blogs on infertility and they made me think. I thought about my life and the problems we went though before we had Zilla. I don't think I would qualify as "infertile", but my heart went out to these women and their families. What I went though was difficult, but what they are going through, I just can't imagine. I don't pity them, that's rude, I do feel their pain. On a smaller scale, but I can relate. I am looking at my children and the situation I am in, in a different light. I've always been grateful for my children. I don't take them for granted, I always try to do my best everyday at being their mommy, and try to be fair when it's time for a punishment. The past week, I've looked at things in a much lighter way. I'm taking it easy and realizing that I can't do everything. I can't be fair to everyone, there will be some who get the "short end of the stick". All I can do is do my best. I am lucky to be able to raise our children, but I am also very lucky to be a part of 3 other children's lives. As intense as it can get with 8 people in one home, I realize I am a lucky gal. Of course there will be days, I want to lock myself in a closet and hide, but right this moment, I am realizing how lucky I am.

I was talking to Matt today about how he mentioned it would be nice to have another baby, I needed to clarify something. I wanted to make sure we made this decision together and we won't or don't regret it. I asked him if he still thinks it would be nice to have another baby. He says yes, but then continues on about how I don't do pregnancies well and if things were different, ya never know. I did feel better and I don't feel as though he wasn't on the same page as I am. I felt relieved a little and started thinking about how much our lives have changed in the 15 years we've been together. My thoughts immediately turned to my mom and how much I miss her.

Every time I think about our lives, I always think about that time when our lives were turned upside down. I think about all the things he did for me and my family and how great it is that all of us were able to count on him.

Then I wonder when will it stop? I wonder as time goes on, will the "waves" of grief become less intense. I know that they don't come nearly as often as they once did, but they are still pretty intense. One day when I get a "wave", will it be less as intense as it was the last time? If so, how am I going to feel? Does this mean I am losing her again, or am I just facing a little bit more of reality? I talk to my dad every day and usually when I get off the phone I feel great. We have nice conversations about this and that and all is well in both of our lives. Today, I felt a bit sad. We talked about my nephew's birthday and what they all did. We talked about Nae sending him an email and Zilla starting school in the fall. I think it hit me that when my little guy goes off to school, I won't be able to call my mom and cry tears of joy and sadness. Sometimes things like that hit me and I feel like I've just opened up the wound again. I tell myself that she is with me, which I know this, but sometimes it's not enough. I think I am going to go on a walk tomorrow and do a lot of thinking. I think maybe I'll have to let myself feel again, the sadness. Maybe this is my grief process. This might just normal for me. I will always miss her, but some days are going to be tougher then others. This was one of those days and this is one of those moments.

2 friends have commented:

Jaymee on August 7, 2008 at 1:27 PM said...

i lost my father 8 years ago, and it will get better. what had never gotten better for me is the intensity of the feelings. sure i have fewer days where i am overwhelmed by the loss, but the loss is still there. i can not imagine what it is going to be like when i have my own children, who will never know their grandfather.

it is okay to cry. holding it inside will only make it worse when the dam finally does break.

Beautiful Mess on August 7, 2008 at 2:03 PM said...

Thank you so much for your comment and support! It's hard not to hold it in, but I'm doing A LOT better then I did at the beginning of the year. talking to the children about it, is hard. Especially my 5 year old. he doesn't remember my mom, but it does help to talk to him about her. It does make me happy, even tough it makes me sad at the same time.

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