When I was sick and had nothing to do but lay in bed or sit in my chair for a bit, I came upon some blogs. One blog led to another and another and so on and so forth. I came to read some blogs on infertility and they made me think. I thought about my life and the problems we went though before we had Zilla. I don't think I would qualify as "infertile", but my heart went out to these women and their families. What I went though was difficult, but what they are going through, I just can't imagine. I don't pity them, that's rude, I do feel their pain. On a smaller scale, but I can relate. I am looking at my children and the situation I am in, in a different light. I've always been grateful for my children. I don't take them for granted, I always try to do my best everyday at being their mommy, and try to be fair when it's time for a punishment. The past week, I've looked at things in a much lighter way. I'm taking it easy and realizing that I can't do everything. I can't be fair to everyone, there will be some who get the "short end of the stick". All I can do is do my best. I am lucky to be able to raise our children, but I am also very lucky to be a part of 3 other children's lives. As intense as it can get with 8 people in one home, I realize I am a lucky gal. Of course there will be days, I want to lock myself in a closet and hide, but right this moment, I am realizing how lucky I am.
I was talking to Matt today about how he mentioned it would be nice to have another baby, I needed to clarify something. I wanted to make sure we made this decision together and we won't or don't regret it. I asked him if he still thinks it would be nice to have another baby. He says yes, but then continues on about how I don't do pregnancies well and if things were different, ya never know. I did feel better and I don't feel as though he wasn't on the same page as I am. I felt relieved a little and started thinking about how much our lives have changed in the 15 years we've been together. My thoughts immediately turned to my mom and how much I miss her.
Every time I think about our lives, I always think about that time when our lives were turned upside down. I think about all the things he did for me and my family and how great it is that all of us were able to count on him.
Then I wonder when will it stop? I wonder as time goes on, will the "waves" of grief become less intense. I know that they don't come nearly as often as they once did, but they are still pretty intense. One day when I get a "wave", will it be less as intense as it was the last time? If so, how am I going to feel? Does this mean I am losing her again, or am I just facing a little bit more of reality? I talk to my dad every day and usually when I get off the phone I feel great. We have nice conversations about this and that and all is well in both of our lives. Today, I felt a bit sad. We talked about my nephew's birthday and what they all did. We talked about Nae sending him an email and Zilla starting school in the fall. I think it hit me that when my little guy goes off to school, I won't be able to call my mom and cry tears of joy and sadness. Sometimes things like that hit me and I feel like I've just opened up the wound again. I tell myself that she is with me, which I know this, but sometimes it's not enough. I think I am going to go on a walk tomorrow and do a lot of thinking. I think maybe I'll have to let myself feel again, the sadness. Maybe this is my grief process. This might just normal for me. I will always miss her, but some days are going to be tougher then others. This was one of those days and this is one of those moments.