Jul 30, 2009

What is This Feeling?

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
I'm feeling very excited about going back to school. It's all moving so quickly, I don't even have time to second guess what I'm doing. Once the emails came in, I just reacted. I didn't think, I just did it. After the replies were sent is what I sat back wide eyed and said "WOW, I really just did that!". I'm really excited, the nervousness is being replaced by getting as much information as I can. I'm not as scared as I was before, I know this is the right choice. I'm not even stressed out about it. That's what's telling me this is the right decision to make. If not for the future of our family, then for ME! I've never really worked since we had the children. I've been very lucky that I was either able to take them with me to work or stay at home. This step I am taking is just for me. It's a very strange thing for me to do after taking care of everyone for so long. I'm very proud of myself for doing this.

I have been telling people and I've gotten great feedback. My MIL said she is so proud of me. She also advised me on separating myself from my work. That is going to be tough, but I'll do what I can when that comes up. My dad is a huge cheerleader, of course. He is very proud of me and keeps wondering why I'm so scared. I haven't told him that I wish mom were here. Although, I'm sure he knows. Graduation day is going to be a tough day for us, I think. Everyone is so excited for me and I'm feeling very thankful for that. At the same time, I feel like I need to hide it or play it down with some in my life. I'm not sure why that is, though. Maybe because I don't want them to feel bad for not taking the steps to do what they said they were going to do? The fact that I was thinking about going to school, was a huge secret. I didn't tell Husband for months. Then I finally told him and it took me weeks to even take the step forward. And there are a few people in my life who've talked about it and gone as far as filling out paperwork and then stalled. I'm not sure of the reasons, but I think frustration and life were major factors.

In the midst of getting accepted for the grant and accepted for the school (yesterday I got my acceptance email!) there has been a huge upheaval in our home. Roomie got into a car accident. Thankfully she's well and her CT scan didn't find any internal bleeding. She's looking for a new truck and is healing nicely. She's still sore, of course, but the scary part is over. It was really hard seeing her in so much pain and so miserable, but I was so glad I could help her! I was so happy to be able to get her water, make sure she has her meds and such. Plus it was good practice ;o)

Then Peaches' aunt had a stroke and they ended up having to take her off life support yesterday morning. Her aunt held on until after everyone left the hospital around 1AM. The family is devastated over the death of their aunt but Peaches seems to be acting different then I would accept. Peaches went to the hospital where her aunt was the day (Sunday) she had the stroke. She was gone all day and night. She came back on Monday because it was her daughter's birthday and she wanted to take her to the beach. The came home, took showers and then left. She didn't really say much to me. I figured she didn't want to talk about it. Then she went out that night and didn't come home until the next morning. I wasn't home, I was at the hospital with Roomie getting her CT scan. Husband said she wasn't in a bad mood or seemed really sad. He told her three times where Roomie and I were and Peaches didn't say anything. She texted me asking me about Roomie and that was it. Then she came home to grab her stuff because she got a phone call her aunt was dying. I only know this because I texted her to ask her what was going on. She came home sometime early this morning and when I woke up, she went to my bed. I didn't go to her, thinking she needed to sleep. I know it's very stressful being at the hospital with a sick/dying relative.

I talked to her once she woke up and she told me her aunt passed away. We talked a bit about that and then that was it. She changed the topic to something else. Then her friend picked her up and they left. I asked where she was going and all I got was "I'm leaving with Bob for a few days". I don't know if it's the grief that's making her act so off or if it's something else. I think I'm just going to let her be and if/when she wants to come to me, then I'll be here. I guess.

I don't mean to sound harsh or uncaring, but right now, I don't have time to chase her around and ask her whats wrong or drag any answers out of her. I don't have the want to do this. It's time to take care of me and my needs. Right now, my needs are going to school. I can't babysit anyone anymore. I've done it for way to long and when I need some babysitting, nobody is found.

I have gotten really good at expressing my feelings about things and telling exactly how I feel about losing my mom. I've been really good at asking for help when I need it. I even told Peaches, Roomie AND Husband about clicking on the wrong button while filling out the grant information.

It's a lesson in the making. I'm not sure if I'll ever do what I'm "suppose" do to where my friends' lives are concerned, but I am trying. It'll be really easy not to get so involved, when I'm eyeball deep in homework and classes. Like I said, this is the right decision and I don't regret it for one second. I just hope that my friends know that I won't be there to pick them up, like I was before. Time for my little chicks to leave the nest!

22 friends have commented:

Joseph LeCrieux on July 30, 2009 at 11:23 PM said...

Thats awesome that you are looking so forward to going back to school. I wish I could but right now is just not the time, my nerves and emotions couldn't take it. I'm sorry you lost your mom, you now how mine is fighting battles right now and it's rough.

Sorry to hear about her aunt! Maybe she just needs some time to cope and she will eventually get back into things...

eden on July 31, 2009 at 2:48 AM said...

Look at all these positive steps you're taking. So fucking proud of you mate .... and how true, when you know something is the right decision, there's just no second guessing it.

Jenn on July 31, 2009 at 3:40 AM said...

Did I happen to tell you just how incredibly proud I am of you for taking this step? Well I am - gosh darnit!!! I know without a shadow of a doubt that you are going to be an awesome nurse.

On each step of this new journey, your mom is going to be right there with you - smiling & holding your hand!

HUGS

c by the sea said...

with all the love and care you give to strangers on the internets, i just know you are going to be an amazing nurse!

kate on July 31, 2009 at 6:01 AM said...

Going back to school was pretty nerve wracking for me, but the ultimate scary moment came when the market crashed about, oh, a minute after I quit my stable job to start my sort of useless philosophy degree (well, more like 30 days after I quit, but it felt like a minute). It is a scary thing. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. Even sitting here now, worrying about money, worrying about what I will do with my life, I am still 100% happy that I made that decision to finish a degree. It's just so important for personal fulfillment.

As for Peaches, I think you are right to just let her come to you as she needs it. You can only offer so much before you have to step back and let people figure things out for themselves. And it sounds like she may need some time to sort out her aunt's death. You've lived one of the ultimate losses, and so you (sort-of) have practice with this whole processing thing. I'm not saying that her aunt is an equal loss to your mother, but just saying that you have a perspective that she may not have developed yet. Either way, you know that you care about her and that you want the best for her, and in the end, she will see that, regardless of how insistent you are about offering your comfort to her.

SS on July 31, 2009 at 6:53 AM said...

I am so glad your getting more comfortabel with the next phase of your life. i think focusing on yourself a little bit more is a good and healthy thing. it is time! And glad roomie is on the mend with no internal bleeding.

Sunny on July 31, 2009 at 7:54 AM said...

It sounds like you are setting appropriate boundaries in your life, which is SOOO difficult! Not everyone will like that you do that, when they've expected you to drop everything and "babysit" them. But stay strong and keep up the positive attitude -- you will soar!!

IF Optimist, then... on July 31, 2009 at 10:07 AM said...

Did you realize you have already accomplished the first and very difficult step? Making the decision to go back to school, acting on it and realizing that others will need to be more independent is commendable. Rock on Chica! You are my hero.

Deb on July 31, 2009 at 11:29 AM said...

Taking a break from caring for others because you are learning to care for others. No how freakin ironic is that?

I think it's wonderful that you are making time to follow your dreams. You deserve it!

Kristin on July 31, 2009 at 11:44 AM said...

I am so proud of how far you have come. You are maintaining a healthy balance in your life and you are moving forward with your educational plans.

Wishing 4 One on July 31, 2009 at 2:34 PM said...

You are so awesome! The people around you are so damn lucky and so are we to have you online! Congrats again on taking this huge step and I know your mom is smiling now... xoxoxoxoxo

Flying Monkeys on August 1, 2009 at 3:33 PM said...

I think it's great you're going back to school. Just do it!
Grief is weird and plays out in each of us differently. Often what we expect isn't what we get.
Good luck to you!

Tiffanie on August 2, 2009 at 8:14 AM said...

again, congrats on going back o school! you'll do great!

btw - i finally updated my blog. thanks for the kick in the ass:)

Aunt Becky on August 2, 2009 at 12:07 PM said...

I can honestly NOT WAIT until I can go back to school. I miss feeling like I have a purpose besides butt-wiper.

Ordy on August 2, 2009 at 3:34 PM said...

I wandered over from you comment and had to say congrats on going back to school. I decided to go back last year and it has been easier than I expected (most of the time), despite all the complaining I do about it. Good luck.

BecomingWhole on August 2, 2009 at 6:03 PM said...

I think you are doing right by giving her space. I don't think it is healthy for us to chase our friends around, begging them to tell us what they are feeling. (FYI--I've been guilty of doing the same thing very many times.)

So proud of you--as I've told you before--about going to school. Doing something for yourself, especially when your whole life is about taking care of others can be very scary. You are a strong woman in so many ways.

JJ on August 3, 2009 at 7:38 AM said...

First, your blog is kickin'--love the look!

And way to go, girl! So glad you are looking forward to school=)

Chayce's Momma on August 3, 2009 at 8:09 AM said...

You are doing huge things!!!! You should be so so so proud of yourself.

Fertility Chick on August 3, 2009 at 11:34 AM said...

I agree with everyone else - you should be very proud of yourself! Going back to school is no small feat - you are awesome!

Though you may have gotten one of these before (?) I enjoy reading your blog and have given you award on my blog for that reason. You can visit my blog to check it out!

Phoebe on August 3, 2009 at 7:06 PM said...

Going back to school is exciting! I'd love to hear more about the grant. Big congrats on that!

You know, when you take care of yourself, you serve as a model for other people. Your own healing will help heal others. I think we forget that a lot. It's not like we can change our friends anyways. They have to want to change, as you know!

I thought it was kinda funny that you were already thinking about your graduation would affect others. I always love graduations because it is celebrating your accomplishment. I'm sure you will feel the rush when you get there too!

Parenthood For Me on August 4, 2009 at 5:04 AM said...

I think you are doing the right thing by taking a step away from other people's problems and focusing on yourself. I recently realized that I was worrying way too much about keeping up with some friends lives that weren't reciprocating the contact. Once I let it go my life became much simpler. Congrats on the grant. Step by step.

KimboSue on August 5, 2009 at 4:38 AM said...

As caring as your are as a friend, wife, mother...you will be a great nurse!

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