What is This Feeling?

I'm feeling very excited about going back to school. It's all moving so quickly, I don't even have time to second guess what I'm doing. Once the emails came in, I just reacted. I didn't think, I just did it. After the replies were sent is what I sat back wide eyed and said "WOW, I really just did that!". I'm really excited, the nervousness is being replaced by getting as much information as I can. I'm not as scared as I was before, I know this is the right choice. I'm not even stressed out about it. That's what's telling me this is the right decision to make. If not for the future of our family, then for ME! I've never really worked since we had the children. I've been very lucky that I was either able to take them with me to work or stay at home. This step I am taking is just for me. It's a very strange thing for me to do after taking care of everyone for so long. I'm very proud of myself for doing this.

I have been telling people and I've gotten great feedback. My MIL said she is so proud of me. She also advised me on separating myself from my work. That is going to be tough, but I'll do what I can when that comes up. My dad is a huge cheerleader, of course. He is very proud of me and keeps wondering why I'm so scared. I haven't told him that I wish mom were here. Although, I'm sure he knows. Graduation day is going to be a tough day for us, I think. Everyone is so excited for me and I'm feeling very thankful for that. At the same time, I feel like I need to hide it or play it down with some in my life. I'm not sure why that is, though. Maybe because I don't want them to feel bad for not taking the steps to do what they said they were going to do? The fact that I was thinking about going to school, was a huge secret. I didn't tell Husband for months. Then I finally told him and it took me weeks to even take the step forward. And there are a few people in my life who've talked about it and gone as far as filling out paperwork and then stalled. I'm not sure of the reasons, but I think frustration and life were major factors.

In the midst of getting accepted for the grant and accepted for the school (yesterday I got my acceptance email!) there has been a huge upheaval in our home. Roomie got into a car accident. Thankfully she's well and her CT scan didn't find any internal bleeding. She's looking for a new truck and is healing nicely. She's still sore, of course, but the scary part is over. It was really hard seeing her in so much pain and so miserable, but I was so glad I could help her! I was so happy to be able to get her water, make sure she has her meds and such. Plus it was good practice ;o)

Then Peaches' aunt had a stroke and they ended up having to take her off life support yesterday morning. Her aunt held on until after everyone left the hospital around 1AM. The family is devastated over the death of their aunt but Peaches seems to be acting different then I would accept. Peaches went to the hospital where her aunt was the day (Sunday) she had the stroke. She was gone all day and night. She came back on Monday because it was her daughter's birthday and she wanted to take her to the beach. The came home, took showers and then left. She didn't really say much to me. I figured she didn't want to talk about it. Then she went out that night and didn't come home until the next morning. I wasn't home, I was at the hospital with Roomie getting her CT scan. Husband said she wasn't in a bad mood or seemed really sad. He told her three times where Roomie and I were and Peaches didn't say anything. She texted me asking me about Roomie and that was it. Then she came home to grab her stuff because she got a phone call her aunt was dying. I only know this because I texted her to ask her what was going on. She came home sometime early this morning and when I woke up, she went to my bed. I didn't go to her, thinking she needed to sleep. I know it's very stressful being at the hospital with a sick/dying relative.

I talked to her once she woke up and she told me her aunt passed away. We talked a bit about that and then that was it. She changed the topic to something else. Then her friend picked her up and they left. I asked where she was going and all I got was "I'm leaving with Bob for a few days". I don't know if it's the grief that's making her act so off or if it's something else. I think I'm just going to let her be and if/when she wants to come to me, then I'll be here. I guess.

I don't mean to sound harsh or uncaring, but right now, I don't have time to chase her around and ask her whats wrong or drag any answers out of her. I don't have the want to do this. It's time to take care of me and my needs. Right now, my needs are going to school. I can't babysit anyone anymore. I've done it for way to long and when I need some babysitting, nobody is found.

I have gotten really good at expressing my feelings about things and telling exactly how I feel about losing my mom. I've been really good at asking for help when I need it. I even told Peaches, Roomie AND Husband about clicking on the wrong button while filling out the grant information.

It's a lesson in the making. I'm not sure if I'll ever do what I'm "suppose" do to where my friends' lives are concerned, but I am trying. It'll be really easy not to get so involved, when I'm eyeball deep in homework and classes. Like I said, this is the right decision and I don't regret it for one second. I just hope that my friends know that I won't be there to pick them up, like I was before. Time for my little chicks to leave the nest!