I can usually emotionally detach myself from certain situations, but for some reason I can not detach myself from Peaches and her situation. I feel as if every decision she makes, it's a decision I am making. I feel the same kind of dread, happiness, accomplishment, or whatever she feels. Right now, I am feeling like her choice to be a friend to someone whom she was romantically involved with is the worst decision EVER! I can't help but shake my head and judge her choice. I know it isn't MY choice and I shouldn't judge her, but I can't help it. I think it's because her decisions directly relate to me. I'm the one who will have to pick up all the pieces and put them back together. I'm the one who will hold her while she cries or get pissed off with her if she's pissed off.
She has issues, we ALL have issues, but hers are issues that make her seek out men to make herself feel validated. It's horrible and it shouldn't be like that, but that's the way it is. So, I know why she's seeking out a friendship with this guy, but it isn't the right choice to make, right now. She should not have gone over there last night and stayed the night with him. She should have NOT slept in the same bed, even if they didn't have sex. Sex is the least of it. If she needs or wants a booty call, who am I to stop her, but if she spends a lot of time with this guy, she's going to go right back into the situation that put her on my doorstep in the first damn place!
She's not leading him on, but she knows what he wants and what she doesn't want. She has WAY too much shit to do to get her life on track and the LAST thing she needs is to have a man screwing all that up. I know her and I know she can get lost in a man. She will be having so much fun being adored by him, spoiled by him, she'll forget to look for a job. She'll forget her deadline to get her registration paperwork in. Nothing else will matter but him and the time they get to spend together. She will spend hours at his house, like before. She will talk about him, like she did before. She will get all wrapped up in him and forget about everything and everyone else. It sounds like I'm jealous, but I'm not. It would benefit me if she did get wrapped up in this guy, or any guy for that matter, because she will leave my house. BUT, I will have to pick up the pieces when they break up. I'll have to listen to her when she kicks herself because she didn't get signed up for school in time. All I'll be able to do is the "I told you so" dance. I've done it so many times, I'm not enjoying it as much.
I'm at a loss. I have no idea what to do. I'm HOPING that she will do what she says and they are just going to remain friends, but I see that as an unlikely outcome. I really hope I am wrong. I hope the vision I have of her future is wrong. I really hope the last year of depending on a man has taught her something, ANYTHING and she won't repeat the same mistake, for the third (fourth?) time.
More importantly, I hope I can detach myself from her decisions and choices. It's stressing me out and putting me in a very bitchy, cranky mood. I don't want to be cranky, I want to be happy. I want to be able to look at her and not be so emotionally invested that her choices are hurting me and my heart. I need to detach myself. I need to be selfish, for once in my life. I can't allow her and her choices to run my moods. It is time for me to change. It's time for me to let her go and let her be free to make a life of her own. I can't be the one to pick up the pieces all the time. She is her own person, she is a GROWN woman and I need to remember that. She is not a child. She is capable of making choices, right or wrong. They don't have to effect me.
Hopefully if that I say that enough times, I will start to act up on it. I'll let her do her thing and I'll do my thing. She isn't my project. I can't fix her. She needs to fix herself. *deep breath* OK, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to let her make her own decisions and I will not allow them to effect me.
ETA: It's working!!! So far...AHHHHH thank you blogging!