Jul 8, 2009

Venting

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
I can usually emotionally detach myself from certain situations, but for some reason I can not detach myself from Peaches and her situation. I feel as if every decision she makes, it's a decision I am making. I feel the same kind of dread, happiness, accomplishment, or whatever she feels. Right now, I am feeling like her choice to be a friend to someone whom she was romantically involved with is the worst decision EVER! I can't help but shake my head and judge her choice. I know it isn't MY choice and I shouldn't judge her, but I can't help it. I think it's because her decisions directly relate to me. I'm the one who will have to pick up all the pieces and put them back together. I'm the one who will hold her while she cries or get pissed off with her if she's pissed off.

She has issues, we ALL have issues, but hers are issues that make her seek out men to make herself feel validated. It's horrible and it shouldn't be like that, but that's the way it is. So, I know why she's seeking out a friendship with this guy, but it isn't the right choice to make, right now. She should not have gone over there last night and stayed the night with him. She should have NOT slept in the same bed, even if they didn't have sex. Sex is the least of it. If she needs or wants a booty call, who am I to stop her, but if she spends a lot of time with this guy, she's going to go right back into the situation that put her on my doorstep in the first damn place!

She's not leading him on, but she knows what he wants and what she doesn't want. She has WAY too much shit to do to get her life on track and the LAST thing she needs is to have a man screwing all that up. I know her and I know she can get lost in a man. She will be having so much fun being adored by him, spoiled by him, she'll forget to look for a job. She'll forget her deadline to get her registration paperwork in. Nothing else will matter but him and the time they get to spend together. She will spend hours at his house, like before. She will talk about him, like she did before. She will get all wrapped up in him and forget about everything and everyone else. It sounds like I'm jealous, but I'm not. It would benefit me if she did get wrapped up in this guy, or any guy for that matter, because she will leave my house. BUT, I will have to pick up the pieces when they break up. I'll have to listen to her when she kicks herself because she didn't get signed up for school in time. All I'll be able to do is the "I told you so" dance. I've done it so many times, I'm not enjoying it as much.

I'm at a loss. I have no idea what to do. I'm HOPING that she will do what she says and they are just going to remain friends, but I see that as an unlikely outcome. I really hope I am wrong. I hope the vision I have of her future is wrong. I really hope the last year of depending on a man has taught her something, ANYTHING and she won't repeat the same mistake, for the third (fourth?) time.

More importantly, I hope I can detach myself from her decisions and choices. It's stressing me out and putting me in a very bitchy, cranky mood. I don't want to be cranky, I want to be happy. I want to be able to look at her and not be so emotionally invested that her choices are hurting me and my heart. I need to detach myself. I need to be selfish, for once in my life. I can't allow her and her choices to run my moods. It is time for me to change. It's time for me to let her go and let her be free to make a life of her own. I can't be the one to pick up the pieces all the time. She is her own person, she is a GROWN woman and I need to remember that. She is not a child. She is capable of making choices, right or wrong. They don't have to effect me.

Hopefully if that I say that enough times, I will start to act up on it. I'll let her do her thing and I'll do my thing. She isn't my project. I can't fix her. She needs to fix herself. *deep breath* OK, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to let her make her own decisions and I will not allow them to effect me.

ETA: It's working!!! So far...AHHHHH thank you blogging!

18 friends have commented:

SS on July 8, 2009 at 1:49 PM said...

You are such a caring person that just wants to help everyone. You really think about what's best for people and have spot on smarts for a lot of things. (Does this sound like a horoscope- ha!). BUt what is difficult is that the people in the situation never see it as clearly as you do. it's frustrating and can also cause you pain because you know in the end your friend will end up in the wrong place again. I am glad you feel better after venting, I think that's all you can do really, besides gently providing your good advice to your friend.

Serendipity on July 8, 2009 at 2:00 PM said...

It's ever so easy from the outside looking in, the answers are always ever so clear to us when we're not in the middle of the crazy, and those who are in the middle of the crazy rarely understand where you're coming from!

I think you are amazing to be standing by your friend and letting her make her mistakes when I bet all you want to do is grab her and shake hard! You're such a caring and giving person, she's very lucky to have you.

I'm glad venting helped, I've always belived in venting - get the frustration out so it doesn't blow up :)

c by the sea on July 8, 2009 at 2:29 PM said...

blogging really is great for venting, isn't it?

it's so hard to watch your friends making their lives harder than they need to be. you are always so kind and caring to all of us out in blogland, so i'm sure it's even more so in real life. your friend is lucky to have you! maybe she will respond to some gentle questioning and advice??

Kristina on July 8, 2009 at 2:44 PM said...

I'm afraid I might be much harsher than the other comments...I think friends shouldn't drain this much of YOUR energy. If people want to make poor decisions and live their life in a constant state of chaos, so be it, but it is unfair to expect their friends to become so upset and drained because of it. I completely understand your desire to stick by your friend, and not long ago I would have done the same. But I have learned the hard way that a lot of times these kind of friendships are a one-way street. You have to take care of yourself, and she has to reciprocate all of the time and energy you put into helping her with her life. I don't mean this to sound bitchy or rude, it just sounds like you're the only one paying for her bad decisions.

You sound like an amazing friend, and deserve friends that appreciate that!

Mugsy on July 8, 2009 at 4:33 PM said...

You are so good. So generous. So kind. Unfortunately life is a journey and for some, the journey is messy and made more messy by their choices. I've learned the hard way you can be a friend, you can give gentle advice and support the hell out of them...but...you can only give someone the rope. You can't make them grab it. Do what you gotta do, but make sure you do what you need to take care of you!

becomingwhole on July 8, 2009 at 5:13 PM said...

You said: "It's time for me to let her go and let her be free to make a life of her own. I can't be the one to pick up the pieces all the time. She is her own person, she is a GROWN woman and I need to remember that."

and you said: She isn't my project. I can't fix her. She needs to fix herself.

I think you said it best.

hugs, hugs, hugs. You have such a good heart.

Stacey K on July 8, 2009 at 6:38 PM said...

hugs

you didn't create it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Also sounds like you know this and are on the right track.

again

hugs

Kristin on July 8, 2009 at 7:00 PM said...

You are right...you can't fix it. But, you are being an amazing friend to her. I hope you are able to find a way to balance your needs and hers. {{{Hugs}}}

eden on July 8, 2009 at 7:40 PM said...

Is Peaches her real name, coz that is way cool.

I have a saying, when I find myself unable to help a friend/family member .... "They have their own Higher Power." Makes me feel better, because all I want to do is fix them.

You are so lovely and caring. You can be there for her, with love. XOXOXO

SassyCupcakes on July 8, 2009 at 11:17 PM said...

It must be so frustrating. *hugs*

ryanandjoesmom on July 9, 2009 at 8:25 AM said...

It is so hard to watch the same pattern over and over again. And you know she is the only one that can change it. Keep remembering all that so this stops draining all your energy. I hope for her sake and your sanity that she starts to see that her life needs to change soon and that it can't revolve around dirt bags. Hang in there. Glad you feel better after venting. Totally here for you!

Sunny on July 9, 2009 at 11:56 AM said...

It is SO much easier said than done to put up those healthy boundaries that will keep you from being damaged by her bad choices. And in your situation, because she's living with you, it would be even harder!

I'm glad blogging helps you get it out. I think you will benefit by just being mindful of what is "her" crap and what is really yours.

Aunt Becky on July 9, 2009 at 5:09 PM said...

I've been there more times than I can count, where you just want to SHAKE THE HELL out of that person.

*sighs*

Glad venting helped. Sometimes, that's all it takes.

dragonflymama on July 9, 2009 at 7:12 PM said...

when i was in college, i went through a horrible break-up. i stayed with my bff in the midst and aftermath of the breakup until i had strength to look for an apartment. ex-boyfriend would show up sometimes and call her house, because i let him. i was a mess, crying all the time. at one point, i apologized to her for bringing all this drama. i will never forget her response: "let's be clear. this is your drama. not mine."

what she said hit me in the gut, but even then, i knew it was full of love. and it helped *me* get clear on my choices about this man and what i was letting him do to me. it helped me take responsibility for my decisions. and 20 years later, she is still my heart and confidante.

letting your friend make her choices and detaching yourself from what may be her bad decisions *is* being a good friend. we can't learn other people's lessons for them.

sending you lots of hugs and echoing everyone else in reminding you to take really good care of you!

Jenn on July 10, 2009 at 4:36 AM said...

D,

It is so hard to stay out of the "drama" that is not ours especially when it belongs to those we love.

You can love and support but also detach from the situation for your own sanity.

In my opinion, that is the best thing you can do!

Hugs to you and glad the venting helped!!

Smooches!

JamieD on July 10, 2009 at 8:20 PM said...

You are such a caring person to worry about Peaches and keep her best interests at heart. I don't think you can NOT get so emotionally involved when you are helping her pick up the pieces from her last bad decision.

Getting involed in this situation? Bad, bad, BAD idea. Bad. All the way around.

But what can you do? Sadly - nothing. In my experience, it is once of those lessons you have to learn yourself.

Big hugs to you. I know you want so badly to help her and just make her ~listen~.

We have Angel Wings on July 16, 2009 at 6:28 PM said...

D

I agree with everyone else that you are a very caring person and you put yourself out there for everyone else. You wear your heart on your sleeve, so to speak.

With that being said, STOP! Stop picking up the pieces and stop feeling bad for feeling the way that you do.

You're Mother Hen and of course you want to take care of her and of course you want her to be happy, but she needs to realize that she is #1 and taking care of herself by going to this guys house is not the thing to be doing right now. I mean c'mon...

I have a similar situation with a good friend and she texted me the other day telling me about this guy she used to get booty calls from...etc. He wanted her phone number, she caved and I got pissed. No she isn't living with me, but she is 30 and living with her parents. I texted her back and said "Wise decision, N. Wise..."

It's hard not to get upset when you know they are bound to get hurt and I've learned that I need to shut my mouth when it comes to her and let her learn the hard way. Otherwise, she's just going to continue to do it.

You're great, wonderful and loving. But, I think her reality check needs to bounce for her to get back on her feet. Hang in there and hopefully her senses will come through soon.

((hugs))


T

Phoebe on July 19, 2009 at 10:31 AM said...

The best thing you can do for your friend is just to listen to her when she vents. Trying to fix her is not really helping her. Eventually, she'll figure it out.

As I read this post, I observed that in some ways, you are a lot like your friend. You are getting wrapped up in her life like she is getting wrapped up in this other man's life. I think this is one defense mechanism we use to distract us from ourselves. I'm glad you can see this is not healthy for you! Sounds like you are making progress!

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