Sep 10, 2008

I'm being selfish and I do NOT feel bad!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
Ever since I can remember, I've always put others before myself. I am the first born and the typical "mother hen". I care too much, too deeply, I cry easily, and I do nothing for myself.

There have been times when I get overwhelmed and need a break and take one. Such as went I laid out on the trampoline the other day. I take a bath, or go for a jog, if it gets too much, generally I grin and bare it. I'll work my ass off to make dinner, lunches, get the last load laundry done, all the while shampooing the carpets. I did this because I thought it was my job. I thought it was my job to make everything run smoothly. Husband goes to a job everyday that he hates. he has an hour commute each way, he stresses out every day and I feel so bad for him. So if me working myself into a frenzy will take some stress off him, I'll do it. No, I use to do it. The children weren't asked to be born, why should they have to make their own lunches? I'll do it, I'm their mother, that's what mom's do, right? WRONG! It's been a long time coming, but I have finally realized that I am not a slave. I don't deserve to put myself on the back burner because things will go smoother if I do.

It is not my responsibility to make sure the children that don't belong to me, get their homework done. They have parents and I am not one of them. I do not have to run around the house like a mad woman because Husband doesn't have a "home cooked" lunch to take to work. *I did this many times* If he has to find his OWN socks *gasp* I will not lose my "wife card". I don't have to do everything for everyone, really it took me 15 years of marriage and lots and lots of Husband telling me to "calm the hell down" to get to this point.

Monday was the first day of my "new found freedom". Both our children are in school all day long and all 3 of my roommates children are in school all day long. So I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT all day long! I can go for a jog and not feel bad about it. I can take a nap in the middle of the day if I want too! This may sound like nothing to some of you, but not to me, oh man, this is AMAZING!

Monday, I dropped the little one off at school and went for a jog. After that Husband and I were able to spend time together. We sat, drank coffee and talked. JUST talked. It was very nice. After he left for work, my friend and I did some cleaning at her house. Not exciting, no, but it was something that had to be done and I didn't have to worry about anything.

Tuesday...OH MY GOD, Tuesday was AMAZINGLY AWESOME!!!! I didn't do much but putter around the house until after Husband left for work. I got bored after like 5 minutes and then I realized "I am all by myself, I have 2 hours to myself". This was huge for me. So what did I do? I took a shower...with the door OPEN, I shaved my legs with..the door OPEN, I blared my music and danced around like an idiot! It was the most fun I'd had by myself in 11 years. I have the chance to actually do things for myself and turn off the part of me that feels like I need to do everything for everybody. It is a very freeing feeling for me.

Today, I took the little ones to school and I came home and took a nap. Why? Because I could! When I woke up fro my 2 hour slumber, I made brunch for Husband and myself. Then I went for a walk. I didn't have the nagging need to be home in a certain amount of time because dinner needed to be made or something I felt only I could do.

I am on a path of self discovery and I couldn't be happier about it. I am the one who put these stresses upon myself. I was told many times to "calm down and relax". But of course, when someone tells you to do something, some of us won't do it until it's our idea. I am one of those people. I'll figure it out eventually, when it's my idea.

Not only am I not putting myself on the back burner, I am also not treading around people's feelings. I'm not being mean to anyone, but I am not holding my tongue and not saying my piece because it'll hurt some one's feelings. This I've been working on for awhile now, but I think I have finally got the hang of it.


4 friends have commented:

BrandiH2007 on September 11, 2008 at 9:14 AM said...

I'm so glad you are taking time for yourself. It's an amazing feeling isn't it? I am/was the same way. Always taking the brunt of the work because it will make things go smoothly. Not so much anymore, DH and I may bicker a little more, but it's worth it.

Thanks for your advice over the last few days, it's been great. I don't really think his behavior has anything to do with the baby, he's always been a doer when he wants to. Like when I want to go to camp and relax he complains he's bored cause it's just the two of us. I'm going to talk to him tonight cause I'm sure he's going to want to go to his buddy's house. Maybe I'm just reacting differently now.

Aunt Becky on September 11, 2008 at 11:21 AM said...

It's so important to take time for yourself, and I'm terrible about doing it. I need a break, dude.

Kristin on September 14, 2008 at 7:51 PM said...

Good for you. Sometimes the hardest thing for us to do as women is figure out we are not responsible for everything.

Mrs. Gamgee on August 31, 2009 at 7:34 AM said...

Here from Blogger Bingo today. It has been great reading through where you have been at.

As for this post, I constantly struggle with guilt because I am not the housekeeper that my mom is. I often end up beating myself up because my bathroom doesn't sparkle, and my sink isn't always dish-free. I wish I could let it go and simply enjoy the time I take for myself... instead, I usually enjoy it at the time but then that sense of regret sneaks in and I wish I would have done the dusting. And THEN I wonder at myself for wishing that I had done the dusting... who wishes that???? LOL, it's a visious cycle!

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