All alone... In reality, I am not alone. In my head, I am. On occasion that is a good thing. My head and my imagination has always been a fun place for me. A little escape from reality when I need a break. A place to go when I am doing dishes or laundry or my hair. A place where there are uninterrupted baths to be taken, a place where there is warm sand to lay in, blue water to swim in and a good book or 2. This is what I call "fantasy land". Sometimes fantasy land has occupants, but more often then not I am alone on said beach. It is what helps me get through the mundane tasks of everyday life. It's a way to get away from the "have too's".
My place hasn't been working as of late. I can't seem to be happy there either. I am a shell of who I use to be. My eyes aren't as bright, my smile isn't as wide as it use to be. My hugs aren't as strong as they use to be. I am a fake. I have faked it for 2 years. I went to a therapist and I faked the whole thing. I can NOT go through the pain I went through January 15, 2006. I guarded myself. I did a real good job of it, too. Of course I would have my days and I would get hugs or a kind and encouraging word and I would feel better. I wanted to feel better. I didn't want this heart breaking sadness anymore, so I simply made it go away. I knew it wasn't right, I knew it would catch up with me in the long run, but to let myself FEEL..actually FEEL the fact that my mother is dead is inconceivable. Why would I allow myself to feel that pain whole heartedly when it was so bad the day she died? How can I put myself in a position to feel and to accept that she is gone and is never coming back? I know it in my head, but in my heart I do not. I do not want to be the person who still grieves for their loved one 5 years later and is so messed up that relationship and friendships suffer. But I am in self protection mode. I am fighting myself for myself and I am loosing the battle. It's all catching up with me and I'm trying to run from it and I am not running fast enough. I think the time has come to stop running and start feeling. I hope and I pray I am strong enough to do this. I hope I will feel better on the inside and I am able to get me back when I am done. I'm sure it'll take time, and I am willing to take the time. I just want to be happy. Happy from the inside out. I want my smile to reach my eyes again. I want to say "I am fine" and mean it. I want the lies and hiding to stop.....
Here I am almost 1 year later and I am real! I am becoming the woman I was before I lost my mom, and then some. My smiles reaches my eyes. I have bright eyes again! My hugs are strong. When I say "I'm fine" I really do mean it. I smile and I smile often. I laugh and I laugh to the point I either snort, or cry. It's a beautiful thing. I am very proud of myself for what I did. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. At the time, it felt like I had lost her all over again. Now? Now I am so happy that I had the courage to do so. I know for a fact, I couldn't have done it without the support of my family and friends. Thank you to those of you who helped me *S*
I am now able to talk about my mom without crying. I am able to go to her obituary page, write her a little note and not cry my eyes out. I can look at the pictures I have of her and not feel so much sadness. I think of the memories and smile at them.
I know she is proud of me. I know that she is proud of the woman I have become. I know that she would not want me to be who I was after she passed. I am happy, plain and simple. I am a courageous, strong, self confident woman. I am my mother. I couldn't have given myself a better gift if I tried. She couldn't have given me a better gift. It took me awhile to get here, but I did it! I am going to do my best to stay here. No matter what our future holds.