Sep 21, 2008

Proof that I did IT!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
I wrote this entry December 27, 2007 *on a different blog*. That time was a very dark time for me. It was the time I was depressed, confused, and did nothing but eat cookies for about 2 months. The difference between now and then, is nothing less then astounding for me....

All alone...

In reality, I am not alone. In my head, I am. On occasion that is a good thing. My head and my imagination has always been a fun place for me. A little escape from reality when I need a break. A place to go when I am doing dishes or laundry or my hair. A place where there are uninterrupted baths to be taken, a place where there is warm sand to lay in, blue water to swim in and a good book or 2. This is what I call "fantasy land". Sometimes fantasy land has occupants, but more often then not I am alone on said beach. It is what helps me get through the mundane tasks of everyday life. It's a way to get away from the "have too's".

My place hasn't been working as of late. I can't seem to be happy there either. I am a shell of who I use to be. My eyes aren't as bright, my smile isn't as wide as it use to be. My hugs aren't as strong as they use to be. I am a fake. I have faked it for 2 years. I went to a therapist and I faked the whole thing. I can NOT go through the pain I went through January 15, 2006. I guarded myself. I did a real good job of it, too. Of course I would have my days and I would get hugs or a kind and encouraging word and I would feel better. I wanted to feel better. I didn't want this heart breaking sadness anymore, so I simply made it go away. I knew it wasn't right, I knew it would catch up with me in the long run, but to let myself FEEL..actually FEEL the fact that my mother is dead is inconceivable. Why would I allow myself to feel that pain whole heartedly when it was so bad the day she died? How can I put myself in a position to feel and to accept that she is gone and is never coming back? I know it in my head, but in my heart I do not. I do not want to be the person who still grieves for their loved one 5 years later and is so messed up that relationship and friendships suffer. But I am in self protection mode. I am fighting myself for myself and I am loosing the battle. It's all catching up with me and I'm trying to run from it and I am not running fast enough. I think the time has come to stop running and start feeling. I hope and I pray I am strong enough to do this. I hope I will feel better on the inside and I am able to get me back when I am done. I'm sure it'll take time, and I am willing to take the time. I just want to be happy. Happy from the inside out. I want my smile to reach my eyes again. I want to say "I am fine" and mean it. I want the lies and hiding to stop.....

Here I am almost 1 year later and I am real! I am becoming the woman I was before I lost my mom, and then some. My smiles reaches my eyes. I have bright eyes again! My hugs are strong. When I say "I'm fine" I really do mean it. I smile and I smile often. I laugh and I laugh to the point I either snort, or cry. It's a beautiful thing. I am very proud of myself for what I did. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. At the time, it felt like I had lost her all over again. Now? Now I am so happy that I had the courage to do so. I know for a fact, I couldn't have done it without the support of my family and friends. Thank you to those of you who helped me *S*

I am now able to talk about my mom without crying. I am able to go to her obituary page, write her a little note and not cry my eyes out. I can look at the pictures I have of her and not feel so much sadness. I think of the memories and smile at them.

I know she is proud of me. I know that she is proud of the woman I have become. I know that she would not want me to be who I was after she passed. I am happy, plain and simple. I am a courageous, strong, self confident woman. I am my mother. I couldn't have given myself a better gift if I tried. She couldn't have given me a better gift. It took me awhile to get here, but I did it! I am going to do my best to stay here. No matter what our future holds.

5 friends have commented:

heather on September 21, 2008 at 11:03 PM said...

What a painful thing to endure, losing a parent. I'm glad you've found a stronger, more peaceful place over the past year. Happiness feels like such a gift when it's been missing for awhile.

(P.S. Thanks for stopping by my blog today.)

Danifred on September 22, 2008 at 9:44 AM said...

It sounds like you've come a long way from those days. I'm glad you've found a more peaceful place!

seriously? on September 22, 2008 at 12:35 PM said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog today.

My mother is ill and I often wonder how hard it will be to lose a parent. It is good to see that with time although the loss is still there and strong, you can have happy thoughts and be more at peace with it.

All the best.

Cece on September 22, 2008 at 4:32 PM said...

You are so strong. {hugs}

The Broken Man on September 23, 2008 at 3:53 AM said...

Sounds like you've had an amazingly difficult year, and have really managed to get yourself togrether! Well done!

The Broken Man

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