Nov 4, 2009

That Sucked and I'm Glad It's Over

Musings of A Beautiful Mess

Monday was harder then I thought it was going to be. Why is it always harder then I think it's going to be? One would think, I'd KNOW how hard these days will be. I guess, I just don't ever expect the sadness to overtake me as it does. I have no control over it and it totally 100% completely sucks!

I made her a cake and it turned out so good. I was really afraid it wasn't going to turn out and then I'd be devastated! It was suppose to be a pumpkin roll, but I didn't have a big enough jelly pan, so I poured the batter in two pie tins. It worked perfectly! The cake was really moist and the frosting was delicious. After the cake cooled and the frosting was made, I sat down at the kitchen table to frost it and proceeded to cry my eyes out. I was fine at first, enjoying the smell of the cake and the frosting. Then, all of the sudden the thoughts crept into my head. Those ugly thoughts that always make me cry. All I could think was "I shouldn't be doing this. This great cake should not be a memory cake. She should be here to eat it with me." I know me making my mom a cake on her birthday is a celebration of the great woman she was and the life she had, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. As I was frosting the cake, it felt just so sad. I finished it and puttered around the house for the rest of the afternoon. I went to class early to finish up some stuff and struggled through the whole three hours. I almost lost it during class. Goddess that would have been bad! My eyes got hot, my skin started tingling, it felt like it took me hours to gain composure, but in reality it was probably minutes if not seconds. I don't think anyone noticed, if they did, nobody said anything. THANK YOU UNIVERSE! When I got home, we lit the candles and sang happy birthday.

After I got home, everything just hit me! I turned into a zombie. I was in a fog and I couldn't get out of it. I think I ate when I came home, but I don't remember. I know I watched something with Dirty and took a bath and cried in the tub. Sad and pathetic, I know. I went to bed and must have either had sad dreams all night long or cried in my sleep because when woke up my eyes hurt so bad. Tuesday was worse then Monday. I was a zombie for the whole day. I just sat on the couch and stared off into space, all day. Dirty suggested I stay home from class. He felt me forcing myself to learn new things, was only going to make my head hurt worse and possibly cause me to go into a tailspin. I felt differently, I told him "I've got to learn to deal with this. Life can't stop just because I'm sad or I miss my mom. Unfortunately life doesn't work like that." We finally came to a compromise. I'd go to math class, then come home. I wouldn't go to my other class. I felt like I was kind of being irresponsible, but on the other hand that class is SO boring and I'd be in my head the whole time. The thought of crying in class was so terrifying, that I chose to stay home. It was a good choice because I cried off and on all day long, even after I got home from my math class. I told Peaches if I ran out of class, that she had to grab my stuff for me. She agreed. It's good to have a partner in crime throughout this whole college gig.

I did make dinner, but was a total zombie. I took another bath because I just couldn't focus on anything. It helped a bit, but I was pretty much useless for the rest of the evening. We went to bed and Dirty just held me. I didn't cry again, but did fall asleep right away. I woke up this morning feeling better. The emotional fog was gone, as was my headache. I still feel a little lingering emotions over the whole thing, but its over with and I did an OK job with it. Skipping out on class might not have been the most responsible thing to do, but it was definitely the best thing I could do for my mental health.

The most frustrating part of the whole thing is the loss of control. I have NO control over these emotions. I can't control them, I can't make them come at a convenient time, nor came I make them go away when they do come. All I can do is surrender myself to them and allow myself to process them. The plus side is that since I didn't really fight it this time, it only lasted two days. The last time it lasted more then that. I guess that's progress, right?

Up next, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the anniversary of her death. That's going to be REALLY hard. I don't even know what to do on that day. It's not like I can make a cake or something. I went to our church last year, not sure if I can do that again, this year. Guess we'll find out *sigh* the only easy day was yesterday....

Thank you for all the kind words on Monday. I felt all the good vibes and they did help a lot. I don't even want to think how I would be without all of you. Thank you!

25 friends have commented:

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) on November 4, 2009 at 9:26 PM said...

Oh, sweetie! I'm so sorry. I'm so glad you got through the day, but grief really just does suck. the cake looks delicious...I love how beautifully and authentically you continue to honor your mom and all she means to you. Your love for her is beautiful--but it is so sad that it sometimes leads to pain now that she's not here to bask in that love and show you hers.

Kristin on November 4, 2009 at 9:50 PM said...

D, I'm so very sorry. I'm not sorry you are missing her because that would lessen your feelings. I am sorry it hurts so much. These posts really hit me hard because I KNOW this is how I will feel when I finally lose my mom. {{{Hugs}}} my friend.

SassyCupcakes on November 4, 2009 at 10:40 PM said...

That doesn't sound sad or pathetic at all. It sounds like grief and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I am so sorry she isn't here to share the cake with you, but please don't beat yourself up for missing her. You're allowed to be sad and need some time for yourself. What's more, with everything you do for everyone else, you deserve to take the time to look after yourself.

Maybe for the anniversary you could find a new way to remember her. Maybe you and the kids could write letters to her, tie them to a helium balloon, take it somewhere beautiful and let it go. Or maybe you could find a nice candle and light it when you want to talk to her. The first anniversary of my Grandma's death is coming up fast and I have no idea what I'm going to do. To be honest, I think I'm still in denial about her not being here. It's still so hard to believe.

IF Optimist, then... on November 4, 2009 at 11:54 PM said...

You are wonderful and compassionate an sensitive and of course you miss her and will still feel profound grief. You did a marvelous job in baking a cake and wishing her a happy birthday and celebrating her life. Big hugs.

rocket.queen. on November 5, 2009 at 1:48 AM said...

The cake looks divine and has this preggo wanting to come over and bake with you.

::bighugs:: Loss sucks and you are such a strong woman to endure what you have and still be such a compassionate loving woman. I'm proud of you.

My name is Andy. on November 5, 2009 at 5:01 AM said...

{{{{{{HUGS}}}} I'm sorry it was so hard for you.

Flying Monkeys on November 5, 2009 at 6:53 AM said...

I don't think it sounds sad or pathetic, it sounds like you loved her and miss her and you're still hurting over the loss. Be gentle with yourself. Grief is it's own beast. It can sneak up on you and bring you to your knees when you least expect it.
I'm glad you're feeling better. ♥

Quiet Dreams on November 5, 2009 at 8:06 AM said...

It sounds to me like skipping class was the most responsible thing you could have done. I think the key to this whole thing is what you said here: "All I can do is surrender myself to them and allow myself to process them. The plus side is that since I didn't really fight it this time, it only lasted two days."

I have found that, for myself, fighting my emotions only tends to make their effects last longer and be more painful (oh, if only I could remember this!).

I million hugs to you. I'm so proud of you. This is such a long, hard struggle.

KimboSue on November 5, 2009 at 8:17 AM said...

HUGS

Cake looks yummy.

Caitlin on November 5, 2009 at 8:19 AM said...

Honey, don't beat yourself up for being a normal human and grieving the loss of someone you loved. Your MOTHER, no less. I just can't imagine the pain I will feel when my mom is no longer here...

You are being as strong as you can and if on these few days out of the year you break down, then so be it. Because the other 363 days you are strong and reassuring for the rest of us who are grieving.

((hugs))

CanadianMama on November 5, 2009 at 11:49 AM said...

You are so strong! Big Hugs!!!!

Raelene on November 5, 2009 at 12:20 PM said...

My friend Poltzie gave me your blog address because I have also lost my mom. I lost my mom Just over a year ago, and I still think about her constantly and cry all the time. I write about her a lot in my own blog as well, if you want maybe you could read my mom blogs, and I'll read your's. I don't know if it will help, but it's always good to have someone who knows how you feel. I am so sorry for your loss. www.evanrainecoan.blogspot.com that's where I am.

JamieD on November 6, 2009 at 9:37 AM said...

The cake looks (and sounds!) delicious. It is a beautiful and loving tribute to your Mom.

I am so sorry for what you are going through and what you are feeling. I think you are right - it is best to deal with the feelings as they come up and not fight them. She is your Mom and it is okay to grieve. And miss her.

But I think you are doing the right thing. It's okay to be sad, but most importantly - celebrate her. Celebrate her love and all the things she did to make you the wonderful woman and mother you are.

Parenthood For Me on November 6, 2009 at 10:45 AM said...

Dani I feel sad for your grief. I think it is good that you let yourself feel the emotions. It does suck that you don't have control over them. that must be really hard. I am glad you have Dirty who is so supportive.

kate on November 6, 2009 at 11:37 AM said...

I'm so glad you're on the other side of this milestone. You made it through! Awesome!

I am sorry for the tears you shed, but I just have to feel like it's totally normal to feel that way. We only get one true mother (though we're sometimes lucky to have a few other women in our lives who care about us in a similar way), and losing that mother is incredibly hard. My mom was never the same after she lost her mother. I don't expect anything different from someone who just lost theirs so recently-- I therefore pronounce you NORMAL. (Er, not that it means much coming from Crazy Kate, but still... just know that someone out there thinks that crying in class is perfectly acceptable!).

Anyhow, I've been thinking about you, hoping that you are at the very least enjoying what looks to be a TOTALLY EFFIN' DELICIOUS cake. Seriously. I'm drooling. I'm considering going to the store to get the ingredients to make a cake, 'cos now, I HAVE TO HAVE CAKE OMG CAKECAKECAKE!!!!

Yeah. Crazy, like I said...

So. Not sad. Not pathetic. Just normal old grief. Here's wishing you peace as you hit each of these milestones over the holiday season. I know I'll be thinking of you.

Phoebe on November 6, 2009 at 12:32 PM said...

I think it's great that you celebrate your mom's birthday by doing what you would always do! I'm sure she was havin' a piece of cake right beside you.

I also love that you just let the grief come. That's really all you can do.

MissMeliss on November 7, 2009 at 4:04 PM said...

Awwwwwww!!! Grief sucks... and I'm so sorry that it seems to come at when it does... but, it is good that you do allow yourself to feel it. That is so important. The whole thing sucks, though, and I'm so sorry you have to go through it. :(

And it is NOT pathetic. You were amazing to celebrate and bake a cake like you did. You have a sweet heart... it sucks when it breaks.

BIG HUGS,
Melissa

Serendipity on November 8, 2009 at 10:37 PM said...

aww sweetie, I'm sorry that your mum isn't here to share the cake with you, I think it's beautiful and amazing that you chose to honour and remember her by baking it. It's ok to be sad, it's ok to miss her and most of all it's ok to give in to your emotions, it's not sad or pathetic, it's those exact feelings that make us human, you know.

I hope the last few days were easier for you.

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL on November 9, 2009 at 2:06 PM said...

Dani, SO sorry you are hurting so much. Your mother sounds like such a special lady. HUGS!

Nel on November 10, 2009 at 12:32 PM said...

I think the cake was a great idea, even if did make you cry. :) It will get easier, I promise.

Busted Tube on November 10, 2009 at 8:35 PM said...

I'm so sorry, your post made me cry because I can only imagine how terrible it must feel to not have your mom there to celebrate with! I hope you are feeling a little better this week. I'm sorry too that I've been so absent from blog-land! Please know I've been thinking of you. Take care.

Michelle on November 11, 2009 at 12:54 PM said...

I am just so sorry about the loss of your mom. I know that it must be so hard. My heart just broke reading this post. I think it is beautiful that you remember your mom this way.

I am sending you lots of ((HUGS)) and hope that your wish for your financial aid to come through comes true soon!

luna on November 11, 2009 at 8:29 PM said...

I love the tribute to your mom. what can you do but let the grief just wash over you?

thanks also for your support.

awomanmyage on November 12, 2009 at 9:46 AM said...

Oh, my heart is with you. I love that cake you made for your mom. Grief is grief, not much you can do other than go through it I think. It was wonderful that your hubby could be there for you. Keep breathing. Hold on.

Samantha @ Mama Notes on November 13, 2009 at 9:15 PM said...

SO SOrry.. thinking of you..

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