Nov 4, 2009
Monday was harder then I thought it was going to be. Why is it always harder then I think it's going to be? One would think, I'd KNOW how hard these days will be. I guess, I just don't ever expect the sadness to overtake me as it does. I have no control over it and it totally 100% completely sucks!
I made her a cake and it turned out so good. I was really afraid it wasn't going to turn out and then I'd be devastated! It was suppose to be a pumpkin roll, but I didn't have a big enough jelly pan, so I poured the batter in two pie tins. It worked perfectly! The cake was really moist and the frosting was delicious. After the cake cooled and the frosting was made, I sat down at the kitchen table to frost it and proceeded to cry my eyes out. I was fine at first, enjoying the smell of the cake and the frosting. Then, all of the sudden the thoughts crept into my head. Those ugly thoughts that always make me cry. All I could think was "I shouldn't be doing this. This great cake should not be a memory cake. She should be here to eat it with me." I know me making my mom a cake on her birthday is a celebration of the great woman she was and the life she had, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. As I was frosting the cake, it felt just so sad. I finished it and puttered around the house for the rest of the afternoon. I went to class early to finish up some stuff and struggled through the whole three hours. I almost lost it during class. Goddess that would have been bad! My eyes got hot, my skin started tingling, it felt like it took me hours to gain composure, but in reality it was probably minutes if not seconds. I don't think anyone noticed, if they did, nobody said anything. THANK YOU UNIVERSE! When I got home, we lit the candles and sang happy birthday.
After I got home, everything just hit me! I turned into a zombie. I was in a fog and I couldn't get out of it. I think I ate when I came home, but I don't remember. I know I watched something with Dirty and took a bath and cried in the tub. Sad and pathetic, I know. I went to bed and must have either had sad dreams all night long or cried in my sleep because when woke up my eyes hurt so bad. Tuesday was worse then Monday. I was a zombie for the whole day. I just sat on the couch and stared off into space, all day. Dirty suggested I stay home from class. He felt me forcing myself to learn new things, was only going to make my head hurt worse and possibly cause me to go into a tailspin. I felt differently, I told him "I've got to learn to deal with this. Life can't stop just because I'm sad or I miss my mom. Unfortunately life doesn't work like that." We finally came to a compromise. I'd go to math class, then come home. I wouldn't go to my other class. I felt like I was kind of being irresponsible, but on the other hand that class is SO boring and I'd be in my head the whole time. The thought of crying in class was so terrifying, that I chose to stay home. It was a good choice because I cried off and on all day long, even after I got home from my math class. I told Peaches if I ran out of class, that she had to grab my stuff for me. She agreed. It's good to have a partner in crime throughout this whole college gig.
I did make dinner, but was a total zombie. I took another bath because I just couldn't focus on anything. It helped a bit, but I was pretty much useless for the rest of the evening. We went to bed and Dirty just held me. I didn't cry again, but did fall asleep right away. I woke up this morning feeling better. The emotional fog was gone, as was my headache. I still feel a little lingering emotions over the whole thing, but its over with and I did an OK job with it. Skipping out on class might not have been the most responsible thing to do, but it was definitely the best thing I could do for my mental health.
The most frustrating part of the whole thing is the loss of control. I have NO control over these emotions. I can't control them, I can't make them come at a convenient time, nor came I make them go away when they do come. All I can do is surrender myself to them and allow myself to process them. The plus side is that since I didn't really fight it this time, it only lasted two days. The last time it lasted more then that. I guess that's progress, right?
Up next, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the anniversary of her death. That's going to be REALLY hard. I don't even know what to do on that day. It's not like I can make a cake or something. I went to our church last year, not sure if I can do that again, this year. Guess we'll find out *sigh* the only easy day was yesterday....
Thank you for all the kind words on Monday. I felt all the good vibes and they did help a lot. I don't even want to think how I would be without all of you. Thank you!