May 1, 2009

The Night of a Thousand tears

Musings of A Beautiful Mess

The night I cried my poor little heart out was something. I can't quite describe it, I didn't have a moment where I thought "YES, this is what I need to be doing". It was just something that I had no control over. I'll admit, I did try to stop the tears, but clearly I lost the battle. It was good that I got all of it out, I don't regret one moment of that night. The thing is, that now, I feel so raw. I'm not in a fog, I'm really aware of what's going on around me, almost TOO aware. Noises are too loud, lights are too bright, pain is too much, and exhaustion doesn't even cover it. I'm almost shell shocked. It was and is a strange place to be.

Wednesday we had a doctor's appointment for the kids and it took everything I had to fill out that damn paperwork. I was sitting in the office waiting for the doctor and all I could think about was getting the hell out of there. I can't even begin to imagine what that doctor was thinking. He might have thought he should be checking me, rather then the kids. I know I looked HORRIBLE. I don't think I had make-up on and my hair was wet and in a pony tail. Plus I still had the swollen face and bags under my eyes from the night before. I was quite a sight to behold. Once we got home, which is all I thought about the whole time, I felt safer. Not totally safe, but safer. Even though I didn't do a damn thing all night long. When it was time for bed, I actually thought about sleeping on the couch because I was afraid of crying again. The good thing about this thought, is that I recognized it and laid in my bed anyway. I even got all comfy and cozy in it.

Today was worse. Maybe because I knew I didn't have anything to do? I got up, almost on time, got everyone dressed, fed and out the door. Once everyone was gone, I sat on the couch and fell asleep. I was totally out until about 10:30. I woke up not really understanding what was going on in my head. Then Husband suggested that I take a walk with him. When I say "suggested" I mean, he told me to get dressed and we were going for a walk. I really wanted to tell him to fuck off, but I was good and thought that maybe a walk wouldn't be so good. He nudged me to get out because I told him I could picture myself not getting out of bed and staying in bed, didn't seem like such a bad idea. That's not like me at all. I love my sleep and all, but not all day. But this thing, this Purple Gorilla and I could stay in bed all day and just wallow in MY misery. She wouldn't help me because I wouldn't let her, so all we would do is have a pity party. I am glad I got out because it did do me some good, but I just wish it didn't physically hurt me. Every step is painful. Every car that drove by was so loud. The birds were beautiful, but DAMN they are loud for being so small. Laughing sounds fake, my laugh sounds fake. I feel as if I have a sour look permanently on my face. My eyelids feels as if they are taking over my whole face, they are so swollen. The bags beneath them are awfully bruised looking, so sunglasses are my favorite accessory at the time. Mascara is a no no as I don't know when the tears will start coming.

I went on a walk all by myself today and gave myself a moment to take everything in on my terms. The sun was shining, awfully bright, but it didn't hurt as much as it did earlier in the day. I walked very slowly and I thought about my Purple Gorilla. I thought about her walking beside me with her arm around my shoulders. She was telling me that I'll be OK and that it IS OK to let it out. I let the tears fall when the needed too, I didn't stop them. There weren't many, but they needed to be released. I also thought about all my friends *YOU* who've given me so much support these past few days. I thought about The Night of a Thousand Tears. I thought about the wonderful things my husband has done for me the past few days. I thought how silly it was that I cried when he was pouring me a glass of wine. I felt solitude, but not alone. It was very awakening.

At this moment, right now, I'm feeling pretty OK. I'm not totally perfect yet, but I'll be on the OTHER side of healing soon. I know this happened for a reason and that reason is because life goes on. As my body heals from this, my heart will as well.

I've heard from others that you never get "over" this type of a loss, but you do learn to live with it. That you'll always be scarred, but those scares will become memories and not so painful when they heal a bit. I didn't really understand this before. I knew it, but I didn't know it. Now, I do.

22 friends have commented:

WiseGuy on May 1, 2009 at 3:58 AM said...

D, I think that you hubby did you good by pulling you out of my-misery racket and taking you on a walk....there are so many weak moments in life, and sometimes nobody really understands the magnitude of the pain we go through.

I want you to take a fresh perspective...the purple Gorilla is your mate...but you need to stock of what is and what is not.

I want you recover your strength and stop sinking into this vicious cycle of pain...

Be good and take care...and yes, I hope you are not reading this right now, because if you are, it means that you are awake...which is more bags...more baggage....!

Jenn on May 1, 2009 at 4:31 AM said...

((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

P.S. If you want we can both take a walk together - we will wear our ugliest flannel jammies, no make-up, have puffy, sleep-deprived eyes and carry a pint of our favorite ice cream to eat on our trip!!!

Kristin on May 1, 2009 at 5:35 AM said...

Your husband did a good thing making you get up and move. Lots of {{{hugs}}} and I hope the healing continues.

natalie on May 1, 2009 at 6:27 AM said...

Sending tons of strength and hugs your way! :)

Cece on May 1, 2009 at 7:41 AM said...

Oh sweetie - big hug to you

Bec on May 1, 2009 at 8:36 AM said...

Sending you the biggest hug right now xxx

Celia on May 1, 2009 at 8:47 AM said...

Precious, sometimes the best I can do is slump on the couch in dirty pajamas. I am glad your husband took you for a walk and that you are coming up on the other side.

I really think you would benefit from the Jeffrey Thompson cds. They re-program your brain so you can comfort yourself.

Jill on May 1, 2009 at 8:54 AM said...

I'm grateful to your husband for making you get up and take a walk. sending lots of hugs!

We have Angel Wings on May 1, 2009 at 8:56 AM said...

Sending you many hugs, sweetie.

Thinking of you.

T

Deathstar on May 1, 2009 at 10:16 AM said...

Here's something to do: http://mymothersstory.blogspot.com/

I'm participating in this on Mother's Day and I'm lucky enough to still have my mum but others who have lost their mums found a great benefit to telling their mother's story. Perhaps one day you will too.

Keep walking, even when it hurts. I promise you - I promise you - that the love you shared with your mum is stronger than your grief.

JD on May 1, 2009 at 10:23 AM said...

i keep typing and deleting.

i read you posts and look up to see the purple gorilla sitting next to me.

i miss my mom so fecking much.

xoxoxo
~j

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL on May 1, 2009 at 4:55 PM said...

Sending big hugs and "hopeful healing" thoughts your way.

Aunt Becky on May 1, 2009 at 5:22 PM said...

You need to come move out here. We could rock the Ugly Cry together. No, honestly, that'd be a good thing.

Love you, girl.

JamieD on May 1, 2009 at 6:24 PM said...

Keep writing, we're still listening and loving you.

((((HUGS))))

Jaymee on May 2, 2009 at 1:46 AM said...

you are doing beautifully. it will get better, and then it will hit you at the most random times. i lost my father 7 years ago. at the time i just had to keep repeating, "what does not kill me will make me stronger." i still feel horribly alone at times, but those times have become fewer and farther apart.

until i read this post, i had never been able to put into words what the world felt like after. how everything in the world was bigger, louder, and brighter. it all just felt so disjointed. at the moment everything should have been dark and gloomy, it was all there in my face.

keep walking right through the pain.

a billion hugs.

Parenthood For Me on May 2, 2009 at 6:08 AM said...

So, so sorry you are going through this incredibly hard time. Thinking of you. Fresh air and walking does hlep to clear your head.

Liv on May 2, 2009 at 12:02 PM said...

Hello my dearest D,

I'm so sorry you have to be going through this. It's a very touching post though. Your pain is so intense and raw, it's no wonder you've had such crying episodes. I wish I could be there to give you a real hug. But, for now, just know that I'm thinking of you and love ya to bits.

wereyoulookingforme on May 2, 2009 at 12:09 PM said...

Sending you big hugs and all my sympathy. You're right, you don't get over this kind of grief you learn to live with it. Keep on taking care of you.

becomingwhole on May 2, 2009 at 12:41 PM said...

Ditto everyone who said your hubby did good to take you on a walk. Walking or some other movement everyday may be a really good thing for you as you interact with your friend, the gorilla. You are so brave to face these difficult feelings after so long. Many (((hugs))) to you.

Erica on May 2, 2009 at 6:42 PM said...

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. My best friend lost her mother 4 years ago to breast cancer and I know not a day goes by that she doesn't think about her. I think it must be one of the worst pains ever and I'm so sad and sorry that it has happened to you. Those words sound so trite - I don't mean them to. There just really aren't any good things to say.

Please know that I'm thinking of you. And thank you for all of your support on my blog - your comments have put smiles on my face each time.

Deb on May 4, 2009 at 10:49 AM said...

You are not lost in your loss, be forever strong in what you have GAINED by being loved and loving. A time to cry...as they say. Take your time. (((hugs))

nancy on May 5, 2009 at 9:17 AM said...

I'm so so so sorry you've been feeling so filled with grief. But I also think it's good to allow yourself to feel it, and I also think it's good your husband is making sure you don't completely drown in it either. Wow, I'm pretty contradictory, eh? To go along with the thousand tears, I'm giving you a thousand hugs too. ~hugs~ (x 1,000)

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