May 1, 2009
The night I cried my poor little heart out was something. I can't quite describe it, I didn't have a moment where I thought "YES, this is what I need to be doing". It was just something that I had no control over. I'll admit, I did try to stop the tears, but clearly I lost the battle. It was good that I got all of it out, I don't regret one moment of that night. The thing is, that now, I feel so raw. I'm not in a fog, I'm really aware of what's going on around me, almost TOO aware. Noises are too loud, lights are too bright, pain is too much, and exhaustion doesn't even cover it. I'm almost shell shocked. It was and is a strange place to be.
Wednesday we had a doctor's appointment for the kids and it took everything I had to fill out that damn paperwork. I was sitting in the office waiting for the doctor and all I could think about was getting the hell out of there. I can't even begin to imagine what that doctor was thinking. He might have thought he should be checking me, rather then the kids. I know I looked HORRIBLE. I don't think I had make-up on and my hair was wet and in a pony tail. Plus I still had the swollen face and bags under my eyes from the night before. I was quite a sight to behold. Once we got home, which is all I thought about the whole time, I felt safer. Not totally safe, but safer. Even though I didn't do a damn thing all night long. When it was time for bed, I actually thought about sleeping on the couch because I was afraid of crying again. The good thing about this thought, is that I recognized it and laid in my bed anyway. I even got all comfy and cozy in it.
Today was worse. Maybe because I knew I didn't have anything to do? I got up, almost on time, got everyone dressed, fed and out the door. Once everyone was gone, I sat on the couch and fell asleep. I was totally out until about 10:30. I woke up not really understanding what was going on in my head. Then Husband suggested that I take a walk with him. When I say "suggested" I mean, he told me to get dressed and we were going for a walk. I really wanted to tell him to fuck off, but I was good and thought that maybe a walk wouldn't be so good. He nudged me to get out because I told him I could picture myself not getting out of bed and staying in bed, didn't seem like such a bad idea. That's not like me at all. I love my sleep and all, but not all day. But this thing, this Purple Gorilla and I could stay in bed all day and just wallow in MY misery. She wouldn't help me because I wouldn't let her, so all we would do is have a pity party. I am glad I got out because it did do me some good, but I just wish it didn't physically hurt me. Every step is painful. Every car that drove by was so loud. The birds were beautiful, but DAMN they are loud for being so small. Laughing sounds fake, my laugh sounds fake. I feel as if I have a sour look permanently on my face. My eyelids feels as if they are taking over my whole face, they are so swollen. The bags beneath them are awfully bruised looking, so sunglasses are my favorite accessory at the time. Mascara is a no no as I don't know when the tears will start coming.
I went on a walk all by myself today and gave myself a moment to take everything in on my terms. The sun was shining, awfully bright, but it didn't hurt as much as it did earlier in the day. I walked very slowly and I thought about my Purple Gorilla. I thought about her walking beside me with her arm around my shoulders. She was telling me that I'll be OK and that it IS OK to let it out. I let the tears fall when the needed too, I didn't stop them. There weren't many, but they needed to be released. I also thought about all my friends *YOU* who've given me so much support these past few days. I thought about The Night of a Thousand Tears. I thought about the wonderful things my husband has done for me the past few days. I thought how silly it was that I cried when he was pouring me a glass of wine. I felt solitude, but not alone. It was very awakening.
At this moment, right now, I'm feeling pretty OK. I'm not totally perfect yet, but I'll be on the OTHER side of healing soon. I know this happened for a reason and that reason is because life goes on. As my body heals from this, my heart will as well.
I've heard from others that you never get "over" this type of a loss, but you do learn to live with it. That you'll always be scarred, but those scares will become memories and not so painful when they heal a bit. I didn't really understand this before. I knew it, but I didn't know it. Now, I do.