...want to strangle him, sometimes.
My husband, whom I dearly love, has a way with words that makes me see red, sometimes. My first reaction is to wrap my hands around his neck. Usually when this happens I'm in full fledged PMS mode, so I take a deep breath and think twice about it. Since he is still alive, I am fairly good about keeping those PMS emotions in check *YAY* go me!
The last time this happened, it took me awhile to overcome the "if you don't shut your mouth and step away from me right NOW I will not be accountable for my actions" emotion that bubbled to the surface right away. I had just got done watching the Farah Fawcett Story and was thinking it over. I choked up a bit because DAMN it was sad, but I truly wasn't putting myself in anyone's place. I was just watching the show. I didn't put myself in her son's place. I didn't ever think once "damn, dude I know how ya feel" or "been there done THAT". Yes, I was just coming off a HUGE emotional tidal wave, but I really was OK with watching that movie. It didn't make me any more sad then I already was. I get that Husband is concerned and I appreciate that. I also get that he is a matter of fact type of guy. I appreciate that, as well. There is no way for one not to know how my husband feels about them. He's generally more sensitive with people's feelings if he loves them, like me and my feelings. Occasionally he does say things a bit too gruff for my overly sensitive self. Which he did do that night. He told me I needed to stop "wallowing" in my misery. Yeah, I didn't take it so well either.
He explained to me that it's hard for him to see me so sad and hurt and he does want to help me, but he doesn't know how when I blanket myself with sadness. He said that after a full 5 minutes of the "Death Glare" and silence. After that 5 minutes, I got what he was saying. I sat there and thought about the past few weeks and thought about how I have been acting and what I was doing. And DAMMIT! He was right. Which pissed me off even more. It's true that I do/did feel more comfortable surrounding myself with sadness because I can relate to that! If my heart is already broken and I'm in pain, there's no way I can be hurt MORE if I am surrounding myself with more pain and suffering. It's my safety net. If I allow myself to be happy, then the fall is going to hurt THAT much more. But if I'm sad and read/watch sad things, then when the inevitable does happen, well no harm no foul, I'm already there.
The problem with this thinking and way of life, is that I'm dwelling on all the pain. Not just in my life but EVERYWHERE! I'm turning into a sad, sad person. I am not seeing the happiness. I'm not seeing joy that life is. I'm a downer and then I become pissy and bitchy. That's no way to live life. Whatever happened to all the rainbows and sunshine? They couldn't have died with my mom. Life HAS to go on and it has to actually be a life. Not a fake life full of fake happiness. My mom's memory deserves better then that. I deserve better then that! If I were to put myself in her place, would I want my children not to be happy? Hell no! I would want them to be happy and actually LIVE their lives.
As much as I hate to admit this, and trust me I really do! My husband was right *sigh* He possibly could have said it a different way, but then again, he wouldn't be who he was if he did. But he was and is right. SHIT!
Since that conversation, things have been better for me, on the inside. I think I struggled a lot with moving on. Not just facing reality per se, but actually moving on. Not being bitter, not being snide, and not staying home because it's "safe". I've let ago a lot of the resentment I held about how I was treated by certain people since my mom died. I realized that there are people who "get it" and there are people who just don't. And that is OK. I stopped kicking myself for shutting down and taking three years to FINALLY grieve. I'm looking into the future. I'm allowing myself to grow and I'm allowing people around me to grow. I'm offering support when needed because I want to, not because it's the right thing to do and I would expect it if the tables were turned.
It feels good. It feels refreshing! It feels good to share in the good news. It feels good to offer support for the bad news, but not let it become me. I am not defined by the bad things that have happened or that happen in my life. I am defined by who I am and who I choose to surround myself with.