May 8, 2009

Not Suitable For Public Interaction

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
Wednesday was a big day for me. I not only showered, but was going to leave the house! Not only to go to the grocery shopping, either. Yep, that's me the big girl on campus. Only I wasn't.

I felt like crap, but figured it was just the after effects of last week. Oh and I hadn't had anything to eat. So off we went, to go see my MIL at work. I'm texting the whole time to keep my mind of the horribly windy road that makes me sick every time we drive on it. We're listening to music and talking. I'm chipper! In a good mood, even. Still not feeling so fabulous, but it's cool. I'm out of the house! We get to my MIL's work and say our hellos. Husband goes to use the restroom and I'm left alone with my MIL. She asks how everyone is doing. I say we're doing well, have had a rough week, but all is well balh, blah, blah, blah. Being vague, but still letting her know that things were "off" last week. Husband comes out and I grab his keys and MIL's keys to get something out of her car and put into ours. I come back figuring he mentioned something to her about last week. They were both looking at me in a concerned way. I excuse myself to the restroom and I come back to a discussion about Sunday.

*Oh no* Is what I'm thinking, but I put a smile on my face. Husband asks me if I want to go over there on Sunday so he can hook up their new surround-sound system. I TRIED to say something along the lines of "oh maybe we'll see". He then looks at me and quickly tried to get a hold of the situation. He said "oh! We'll talk about it and see what's going on" I then asked if he had told his mom about what happened last week, he said yes they had talked about it. So I look at him and her and say "I honestly don't know if I'm going to be able to do that, but I want to go" I then start to cry and ask for the keys and make a mad dash to our car. I tell MIL goodbye and that i love her and that I'd call her later or email her. She's fumbling and trying to say something to stop the flood, but it's too late. Husband and I both know this, so he waves me off and tells his mom to let me go. Thank Goddess! I get in the car and take deep breaths and calm myself. He gets back in the car and tells me "it's OK, babe. We don't have to go."

I didn't really have a problem with the surprise invitation. I just wasn't prepared for the emotion just thinking about leaving the house on Sunday. He apologized for not handling the situation well. For not preparing me better for the question. he didn't mean to "spring" it on me and put me in the spotlight. I don't know if there would have been a better way to see if I wanted to go, I'm sure there is. That isn't what lead to me crying and then fleeing from her office, it was just so unexpected. The up rise of emotions, that is.

There were a lot of hand pats and "it's OKs" and I'm really sorry's" on the ride home. I tried to explain to him that I really want to want to go over there. But, if I force myself to go two things will happen. 1) I'll be a mess and make everyone uncomfortable by crying or 2) I'll put on my game face and pretend I'm fine. Which is NOT a good idea. He left it up to me. He even offered to call his mom to tell her we won't go and either tell her the truth or just leave it at "we're not going up there". In the end I emailed her today* and told her we won't be going up there. I didn't disclose the real reason, but told her that I'm sick. Which is/was true. I was down with some sort of stomach bug/flu that knocked me on my ass until a few hours ago.

It's not that I don't feel comfortable talking to his mom, I do, but I just can't talk to her about this right now. I know she'll understand, her dad passed away a few weeks before my mom did. It's just different. Their family is SO different from mine, it's hard for me to express my feelings about the whole thing.

I'm not sure what is going to happen on Sunday. I've got "permission" to stay in bed all day and cry or sit on the couch and cry or just chill out. We can make a big deal out of the day or we can just keep it low key. I am open to whatever emotions decide to come to the surface. That's pretty big, for me. That is a step in the right direction. I know I got over a HUGE hurdle last week *all thanks to YOU* and whatever comes next, I'm ready for.

I'm ready for it because of YOU and because of ME.

14 friends have commented:

Celia on May 8, 2009 at 10:25 PM said...

Babe I really want you to try a Jeffrey Thompson cd. I will be thinking of you this weekend.

Kymberli on May 9, 2009 at 3:52 AM said...

You're beautiful, but nothing close to a mess. I'll be thinking of you, Dani.

Kristin on May 9, 2009 at 4:48 AM said...

Oh sweetie...ditto to what Kym said. {{{Hugs}}}

Jenn on May 9, 2009 at 8:55 AM said...

Just want to send you some extra hugs


((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

cysteract on May 9, 2009 at 9:46 AM said...

I'll be thinking of you on Sunday..

Be good to yourself xX

nancy on May 9, 2009 at 12:46 PM said...

I'd just say to stay at home and let your kids love their mom.

BagMomma on May 9, 2009 at 1:27 PM said...

Hang in there sweetie. Thinking of you.

Amy W on May 9, 2009 at 3:35 PM said...

Hey. I just stopped by to say thanks for entering the Great Cakes Soapworks giveaway at Geek by Marriage. I feel like I've stepped into a very private room of emotion. I pray you find the strength and peace that only God can give. Blessings to you!!

We have Angel Wings on May 9, 2009 at 4:28 PM said...

I have an idea - why don't you come over to my house, crawl in bed with me and we can cry together.

I'll make the brownies and you can bring some alcohol and we'll eat, drink and cry some more.

See you tomorrow!!!

Oh and um, I agree with Kym!

All my love,


T

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) on May 9, 2009 at 7:00 PM said...

sending love and hugs your way. This is a hard week for me too...holidays can bring up so much! Peace and comfort to you.

"MissMelissa" on May 9, 2009 at 7:31 PM said...

Grab the kiddos and give them a BIG HUGE HUG. Oh, and sloppy kisses.

Then crawl under the covers and just breathe. You will get through this.

Sending prayers your way.

BIG HUGS
Melissa

mrsmoore08 on May 9, 2009 at 8:34 PM said...

Sorry you had a hard week. I can't say I know what you are going through but you are in my thoughts! Lurve you twitter pal!

Lori on May 9, 2009 at 8:51 PM said...

I join with these others who are supporting you on this most difficult of weekends.

I'll be holding you in my heart.

XOXO

SS on May 11, 2009 at 6:21 AM said...

I'm sorry about this. Your husband sounds wonderfully supportive.

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