Wednesday was a big day for me. I not only showered, but was going to leave the house! Not only to go to the grocery shopping, either. Yep, that's me the big girl on campus. Only I wasn't.
I felt like crap, but figured it was just the after effects of last week. Oh and I hadn't had anything to eat. So off we went, to go see my MIL at work. I'm texting the whole time to keep my mind of the horribly windy road that makes me sick every time we drive on it. We're listening to music and talking. I'm chipper! In a good mood, even. Still not feeling so fabulous, but it's cool. I'm out of the house! We get to my MIL's work and say our hellos. Husband goes to use the restroom and I'm left alone with my MIL. She asks how everyone is doing. I say we're doing well, have had a rough week, but all is well balh, blah, blah, blah. Being vague, but still letting her know that things were "off" last week. Husband comes out and I grab his keys and MIL's keys to get something out of her car and put into ours. I come back figuring he mentioned something to her about last week. They were both looking at me in a concerned way. I excuse myself to the restroom and I come back to a discussion about Sunday.
*Oh no* Is what I'm thinking, but I put a smile on my face. Husband asks me if I want to go over there on Sunday so he can hook up their new surround-sound system. I TRIED to say something along the lines of "oh maybe we'll see". He then looks at me and quickly tried to get a hold of the situation. He said "oh! We'll talk about it and see what's going on" I then asked if he had told his mom about what happened last week, he said yes they had talked about it. So I look at him and her and say "I honestly don't know if I'm going to be able to do that, but I want to go" I then start to cry and ask for the keys and make a mad dash to our car. I tell MIL goodbye and that i love her and that I'd call her later or email her. She's fumbling and trying to say something to stop the flood, but it's too late. Husband and I both know this, so he waves me off and tells his mom to let me go. Thank Goddess! I get in the car and take deep breaths and calm myself. He gets back in the car and tells me "it's OK, babe. We don't have to go."
I didn't really have a problem with the surprise invitation. I just wasn't prepared for the emotion just thinking about leaving the house on Sunday. He apologized for not handling the situation well. For not preparing me better for the question. he didn't mean to "spring" it on me and put me in the spotlight. I don't know if there would have been a better way to see if I wanted to go, I'm sure there is. That isn't what lead to me crying and then fleeing from her office, it was just so unexpected. The up rise of emotions, that is.
There were a lot of hand pats and "it's OKs" and I'm really sorry's" on the ride home. I tried to explain to him that I really want to want to go over there. But, if I force myself to go two things will happen. 1) I'll be a mess and make everyone uncomfortable by crying or 2) I'll put on my game face and pretend I'm fine. Which is NOT a good idea. He left it up to me. He even offered to call his mom to tell her we won't go and either tell her the truth or just leave it at "we're not going up there". In the end I emailed her today* and told her we won't be going up there. I didn't disclose the real reason, but told her that I'm sick. Which is/was true. I was down with some sort of stomach bug/flu that knocked me on my ass until a few hours ago.
It's not that I don't feel comfortable talking to his mom, I do, but I just can't talk to her about this right now. I know she'll understand, her dad passed away a few weeks before my mom did. It's just different. Their family is SO different from mine, it's hard for me to express my feelings about the whole thing.
I'm not sure what is going to happen on Sunday. I've got "permission" to stay in bed all day and cry or sit on the couch and cry or just chill out. We can make a big deal out of the day or we can just keep it low key. I am open to whatever emotions decide to come to the surface. That's pretty big, for me. That is a step in the right direction. I know I got over a HUGE hurdle last week *all thanks to YOU* and whatever comes next, I'm ready for.
I'm ready for it because of YOU and because of ME.