Jan 15, 2009

Be Kind

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
This poem may be a BIT over dramatic, but right now, it's how I feel. Husband took the kids to school, I started a load of laundry and cried. I took a few deep breaths, didn't really work. I'm not hysterical, but I'm not OK. I told the children we were going to the church today and why. I cried saying the words "Oma died 3 years ago today". Nae gave me an extra hug when she left, that made me tear up. My roommate took me aside because she's worried about me. She doesn't want this to put me into a deep depression. I appreciate that, but it's hard to explain why I need to do this. I don't want to do this, I wish I didn't have to do this, but I do. This is my life right now and I need to get on with my life.

I realized last night that I k now my mom is dead. I know this. Obviously I know this. But I don't think my mind has comprehended it. I prayed last night. I prayed to her. For strength, for peace, for everything that I should be feeling 3 years later that I'm not. I can't picture her. I know what she looks like, but I can't picture her in my head when I'm praying. I don't know what that means. I think it means I'm still in denial. SHIT. I'm going to work really hard to acceptance today and from here on out.

That's all I want out of this year. I want acceptance.

3 friends have commented:

Marie on January 15, 2009 at 8:02 AM said...

My thoughts are with you today. I hope you get the peace you are searching for. I also hope you are not too hard on yourself...

honeywine on January 16, 2009 at 8:48 AM said...

I hope you can find acceptance. Remember that acceptance isn't forgetting. It's being able to make it through the day without losing it. That's all.

Aunt Becky on January 16, 2009 at 2:03 PM said...

*hugs*

Finding acceptance is very, very important. I wish you luck on your journey.

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