Apr 26, 2009

Living With IT

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
Living with Grief is such a strange thing. Sometimes it's not a big deal. Something I rarely notice, like the mole under my arm. I know it's there, but I don't see it often or take notice of it. Other times, I see it and I think it's HUGE! Yesterday Grief wanted some attention. Grief had a hold of me and wouldn't let me go.

Some days I know my mom is dead and I'm OK with it. It's just a part of me and my life. It isn't necessarily a sad thing, it's just my reality. Other times, it's a face full of ice cold water. Yesterday wasn't a face full of ice cold water. It was more of a "covered in fog" feeling. I knew what the trigger was, *damn you Best Buy and your fancy "tag lines"* and I was aware of the feeling of sadness that filled my whole being. I allowed myself to cry and sob and feel the pain. I can't say it was easier then before, but I did it. I also reached out. That is always so weird. What do you say when your spouse or friend says to you "I'm feeling the need to burn down Best Buy because not everyone has a mother who isn't dead"? There just isn't an answer for that type of statement. My husband was great, as always about it. He knew better then to hug or touch me because then I'd break down and he knows I HATE that. He told me he was sorry and that he was there. He did ask me a few times during the evening if I was OK or needed anything. Because really, what else can he do? My friends were great, as well. We made plans to burn down the "motha fucka" or to go get massages on a beach by a cabana boy who speaks no English all with fruity drinks in hand. It's was nice to get the help that I needed. The comments helps so much, too! So much that I can't even begin to express my gratitude. Yesterday was a rough day, made a little less rough by people who I know care. I knew today was going to be better and I wasn't wrong.

Today was a lot better, but then I got that "cold water in the face" feeling. Nae and I were looking through her baby book and there was a picture of my mom in there. I had forgotten about that picture. I'd forgotten about all the things she did with me when I was pregnant with Nae and all the things she did for me and Nae after she was born. I was OK with it, at the time. I think I pushed it away, so I wouldn't "taint" a special day for Nae. *Today is her birthday* Then....I was doing something so mundane, like hanging up laundry or changing into my jammies and BAM it hit me in the face. MY MOM IS DEAD! I didn't freak out, I was just so shocked. It's still hard to believe sometimes. I know I'm not articulating this well at all, but it doesn't seem real sometimes. It doesn't feel like a dream per se, but it isn't real. It isn't my life. In my life, my mom is still alive.

In my life, my mom and dad would still be living in Vancouver or with us and would be walking on her own. She'd be WELL on her way to a full recovery after her strokes. She would have held my hand when Zilla started school. She would have listened to me bitch about the dumb thing that Husband did that pissed me off. She would tell me that I'm being hormonal and calm me down only the way my mother could. She would be telling my dad he needs to do this or that differently and he would sigh at her and then we would laugh. They would be sitting in their chairs or on the couch watching their favorite program or movie. She would be in shock that Nae had a boyfriend last month, but so excited when she dumped him because he "was dumb". This isn't my life, this isn't SUPPOSE to be my life.

It isn't fair that Zilla barley remembers her. It isn't fair that NONE of the grand children got to know her like Nae and Aga *cousin* did. It just isn't fair! Obviously life isn't fair and this is the way life is suppose to go, but not so soon. She didn't have to die when I was 30. She didn't have to die before she was even 70! That doesn't seem right, yet this is what happened and this is my life.

No matter how many hissy fits I throw or how many times I stomp my foot down, nothing will change. No matter how many times I get splashed in the face with a bucket full of ice cold water, my reality is still what it is: my mom is dead. It isn't the end of the world, but sometimes, it feels like it. Sometimes I can't say "it could be worse" or "thank God she went so quickly" because even I can't fake it THAT good. Yesterday and today were those kind of days. I just need to be sad for a bit. I just need to miss my mom. Sometimes it feels good to miss her because then I know she is real and there was a time in my life when I had her here with me. Because there was a time when my sentences didn't begin with "when my mom was a live...."

23 friends have commented:

WiseGuy on April 27, 2009 at 12:02 AM said...

I think what you talk about your child not knowing enough of your mother is possibly what my mother must have gone through. I lost my maternal grandparents several months before I landed on earth. But the way they have been described to me, it is as if I have spent summers with them as well.

I have pride in my grandparents...I spontaneously attach objects to what my grandmother or grandfather would have liked or disliked. for e.g., now that I have made a career in education, I think my grandpa would have been so proud of it, since he himself was an educationist.

My mother misses her mother, but she has made sure that I know what a great lady my grandma was....


Hugs....

Heather and Jase on April 27, 2009 at 12:03 AM said...

I wish I could protect you from all the things that do this to you.
I just hate that you're in so much pain and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I want to fix it for you and see you smile again but I can't and it pisses me off. I wish we didn't have to lose loved ones at all.

I haven't been where you are but I will always be here for you. To listen, to love, and hopefully to comfort you.

I still say we need to burn that motha down, pookie.

The Unproductive One on April 27, 2009 at 12:34 AM said...

I'm currently where you are hon.

My Dad died the night of my birthday last year, my 29th birthday. He was only 63 and died after a very short battle with Cancer of the Spine and Lungs.

I get angry that he won't be here to see me hit 30, that he and my Mum won't have a wonderful retirement together, that if I do have children, he will never see them - he so wanted to be a grandparent.

It's coming up to his first anniversary in June and only now am I starting to really deal with his death and even then it's coming in dribs and drabs.

And so honey, you're not alone in feeling what you do, I'm right there with you....

xxxxx

Kristin on April 27, 2009 at 3:37 AM said...

Oh honey...huge, huge {{{hugs}}}. I am so very sorry she isn't still here.

Coffeegrl on April 27, 2009 at 4:09 AM said...

Truly, one of the reasons (only one of course since there were many) that I was so frustrated that it took us so long to get pregnant with Peanut is because I really wanted my mom to be able to see her first grandchild. My mom was incredibly patient - never once asked me when we'd have kids. She waited 34 years for her first grandkid and I'm so glad that they've had this time together. I see what you mean about that special relationship.

SS on April 27, 2009 at 7:33 AM said...

Checking in, sorry you are in so much pain! I don't know what to say to make you feel better, just know that I am here if you need me-

sunflowerchilde on April 27, 2009 at 9:25 AM said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. My dad died when I was 26 (4 yeras ago), and I have a lot of the same feelings. Sometimes I dream about him and I wake up and have to remember that he's gone. I'm sorry he won't get to see any grandchildren I might ever give him, and I'm sorry that my mom will spend her last years alone. But mostly I'm sorry for him, that his life didn't turn out the way he expected, I'm sure.

Celia on April 27, 2009 at 10:28 AM said...

I am sorry you are hurting so much more right now.

Lollipop Goldstein on April 27, 2009 at 10:31 AM said...

You write: "I know I'm not articulating this well at all, but it doesn't seem real sometimes." But I think you articulated it perfectly because you placed me in that spot of irreality. I am so sorry, sweetie.

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) on April 27, 2009 at 10:59 AM said...

So sorry things have been hitting you again. The cycle of grief can be so hard--come up for air and have a little relief and then get hit again! :( Hugs to you!

Third times a charm on April 27, 2009 at 11:35 AM said...

Email me if you need to talk tonight. I will be at work and up all night. It reallys sucks to have something missing from this holiday doesn't it.

Aunt Becky on April 27, 2009 at 12:09 PM said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. I'm ridiculously familiar with grief and how it can rear it's ugly head whenever and wherever.

C Lo on April 27, 2009 at 2:19 PM said...

I know what you mean.

My grandfather (who raised me) died when I was 20. It's been almost 13 years and the pain never goes away. I was talking with a friend of mine about it and it's more like.....you never fill that hole in your heart, you never heal, you just learn to live around the pain.

I guess the solace is that those cold water to the face days come less frequently over time.

*hug*


(came over from ICLW, have been seeing you comment around.)

JamieD on April 27, 2009 at 5:17 PM said...

I just now read this post and your post from Saturday. I am so sorry for what you are going through - your grief is almost palpable.

There are so many things that are not fair - one of them being the stupid Best Buy commercials that come out of no where and ruin the whole day when you didn't see it coming.

Sending you lots of love and hugs . . .

becomingwhole on April 27, 2009 at 5:31 PM said...

This is an amazing post--very raw and real. You took me right inside your life. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I'm so very sorry.

Dora on April 27, 2009 at 6:08 PM said...

So sorry this is hurting so bad right now. Mel is right. You're articulating this very, very well.

I love WiseGuy's comment. I hope I can make my father "real for my child the way her mother made her grandparents real to her.

Mel on April 27, 2009 at 7:57 PM said...

Sobbing. So well put, my dear. I had one of those moments yesterday too...as we approach the one year loss of our first little one.

Sending you HUGE hugs and lotsa lovin' as you embrace the grief and let its healing wash over you.

JD on April 27, 2009 at 11:58 PM said...

all i can say is - those best buy commercials are really kicking my ass this year.

xoxo
~j

Stacey K on April 28, 2009 at 5:40 AM said...

hugs

Jenn on April 28, 2009 at 8:08 AM said...

I wish I had just the perfect words of wisdom for you...however the best I can do is send you a HUGE Virtual hug!!

Please know I am with you whether you are sad, angry, happy or bored!!

HUGS

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL on April 30, 2009 at 1:52 PM said...

What a lovely tribute to your mother! SOOO sorry you're hurting so much. HUGS!

Emmy on May 1, 2009 at 7:12 AM said...

I am so, so, so sorry for your loss. I can't say that I know what it's like to lose a mother, but I do know what it's like to lose a father, grandparents, a good friend, and most recently my younger brother. Your feelings are totally normal, or at least quite similar to mine.

It seems like you have good support from your husband and friends, which is so important. It sucks, and it's not fair. I wish you didn't have to go through it.

We have Angel Wings on May 1, 2009 at 9:02 AM said...

Oh honey, my heart is hurting for you. I wish I knew what to say to make the pain go away because your heart doesn't deserve to hurt this much.

I do however believe that your Mom is watching of you and your beautiful family. She's so proud of you and the person you've become. You reach out to those people who are in need and offer your support up when your own heart is hurting.

You are a wonderful, amazing woman and your mom sounds like she was too. I'm so sorry she's gone and I'm so sorry that your beautiful children wont get to know their wonderful Grandma - but she'll always live on inside of you.

All my love,

T

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