So, I'm going along in this game we call "life", doing my own thing, right? Not causing TOO much harm to anyone else. If I do cause harm, it's not my fault, I blame it ALL on that bitch Mother Nature and her gift. That oh so lovely gift she gave me was less then fun. Not to mention the fact that it was when my husband and I had the house to ourselves for the first time in about 11 years, but whatever. We made the best of it with beer *for him* and wine *for me*. We made it work. We spent time on the couch and going out to dinner.
When my dad was here a few weeks ago, I did have a "talk" with him about my Aunt's husband. My world kind of came crashing down upon me and caused me tunnel vision as well as having to concentrate on my breathing. It took me a few days to actually take in the information I received and work through it. I did a lot of staring at the wall and using the phrase "I don't know". I was doing my best to stay present and not block these emotions and the new information. I also, didn't put any Polly Anna spins on it. I called my BFF and tried to work through all of it, it didn't work. Husband knew something was up, so when we had a minute alone, I told him what I found out. I found out, I was not the only one who this douche bag did this too! The whole family knows about it! Apparently he's been "talked too" a few times about it, weird he denies it every time. When I found out this, when everything I knew wasn't true, I was walking back from the market with my dad. I stuttered and said something profound like "I thought I was the ONLY one. All these years I thought it was ME". Of course, I knew it wasn't my fault, but still, that thought always creeped into my head.
I was so shocked. I didn't know what to do, what to think, how this was going to change everything. My only wish was that I had found this information out before I went and picked up my dad from his house when he came to visit. If I had known, I would have marched up to him and gave him a piece of my mind. The thought of doing that still fills me with glee. I'm not entirely sure I won't do that. I rarely see him, so it's not like I can just pop on over there and have a little chat with him. Anyway, it took me a good few days to comprehend all this information. Once I did, I felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
I am FINALLY free! It wasn't something "I did" to cause this. It wasn't my fault! All the choices and decisions I've made regarding him are justified. I no longer feel guilty for not bringing my children to family functions or for the fact that they don't know that side of my family. Because it most likely happened to them, too! If they chose to block it or suppress it, then that's THEIR business. I didn't do that and there is no way in hell my children are going over to his house or ANYWHERE near him! I'm sorry that something like this happened to someone else, but if someone had said something SOONER, then this might not have happened to me. We all made our choices in this whole fucked up family scandal and I don't hold any grudges against anyone. I've never been in the situation my parents were in, I can't say what I would or wouldn't do. Because I don't know. I hope to God I NEVER find out, but I can't make judgements.
When I talked to Husband about this, I felt guilty for being relieved that it wasn't just me, but once I processed all the information, I'm good. I really am. There's no more guilt, there is satisfaction that I made the right choice. If any of my family wants to see me or my children, then they can come to my house or we can meet elsewhere. Now I can be completely honest with them. I don't have to make up excuses about birthday parties, sickness, or anything else I can pull out of my ass in the moment. I can just tell them we won't be going and that's THAT! I can't even begin to explain the freedom I'm feeling right now. I feel clean, I don't feel damaged, I don't feel like this is some trait I can pass onto my children and the same thing will happen to them. I know all those things were true before, but now for really really reals, I know.
I will do anything in my power to keep my children safe and never once did I question if I was doing the right thing by keeping them away from him. But I did feel guilty because they don't know my cousins and my aunts very well. Growing up, we were all very close and I would love to have my children be part of that. I'd like them to feel the closeness that I did. But it isn't worth it. It's not worth putting them in the same room whether it'll be "fine" or not. They will not be in the same room, breathing the same air as him, if I can help it. I'm sure there will be funerals or maybe weddings that we will have to attend and he will be there, but no family functions will we be attending anytime soon. And that, my friends, feels pretty damn good!
One last thing, I promise. When I first blogged about this, I was terrified! I've never hid it, but then again I've never shouted at the top of my lungs about it, either. It's a part of me and if you know me well, then I'll let ya in on it. But if I just met ya I won't say "hey there, so I was molested when I was a kid. Nice to meet you". So the decision to blog about something so personal and controversial was scary. Then I got all those comments on my first post. All of you agreed with me, obviously, that I was making the right decision. You all supported me and gave me the courage to stand up for myself. THEN I posted about it again... and AGAIN, I got nothing but support! Thank you, every one of you! Thank you for allowing me to write about something that is not pretty or funny and commenting on it. It's an uncomfortable subject to say the least and you could have easily just clicked away, but you didn't! You read AND you commented. That kind of support is priceless and "thank you" seems so inadequate. But I do thank you, from the bottom of my heart, even. I need to stop now, or I will cry and I really dislike crying.
I hope every one of you has a wonderful day/evening. Please know that I am thinking about you and sending you an extra hug today.