Apr 1, 2009

This is Getting Redicilous!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
So, I'm going along in this game we call "life", doing my own thing, right? Not causing TOO much harm to anyone else. If I do cause harm, it's not my fault, I blame it ALL on that bitch Mother Nature and her gift. That oh so lovely gift she gave me was less then fun. Not to mention the fact that it was when my husband and I had the house to ourselves for the first time in about 11 years, but whatever. We made the best of it with beer *for him* and wine *for me*. We made it work. We spent time on the couch and going out to dinner.

When my dad was here a few weeks ago, I did have a "talk" with him about my Aunt's husband. My world kind of came crashing down upon me and caused me tunnel vision as well as having to concentrate on my breathing. It took me a few days to actually take in the information I received and work through it. I did a lot of staring at the wall and using the phrase "I don't know". I was doing my best to stay present and not block these emotions and the new information. I also, didn't put any Polly Anna spins on it. I called my BFF and tried to work through all of it, it didn't work. Husband knew something was up, so when we had a minute alone, I told him what I found out. I found out, I was not the only one who this douche bag did this too! The whole family knows about it! Apparently he's been "talked too" a few times about it, weird he denies it every time. When I found out this, when everything I knew wasn't true, I was walking back from the market with my dad. I stuttered and said something profound like "I thought I was the ONLY one. All these years I thought it was ME". Of course, I knew it wasn't my fault, but still, that thought always creeped into my head.

I was so shocked. I didn't know what to do, what to think, how this was going to change everything. My only wish was that I had found this information out before I went and picked up my dad from his house when he came to visit. If I had known, I would have marched up to him and gave him a piece of my mind. The thought of doing that still fills me with glee. I'm not entirely sure I won't do that. I rarely see him, so it's not like I can just pop on over there and have a little chat with him. Anyway, it took me a good few days to comprehend all this information. Once I did, I felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I am FINALLY free! It wasn't something "I did" to cause this. It wasn't my fault! All the choices and decisions I've made regarding him are justified. I no longer feel guilty for not bringing my children to family functions or for the fact that they don't know that side of my family. Because it most likely happened to them, too! If they chose to block it or suppress it, then that's THEIR business. I didn't do that and there is no way in hell my children are going over to his house or ANYWHERE near him! I'm sorry that something like this happened to someone else, but if someone had said something SOONER, then this might not have happened to me. We all made our choices in this whole fucked up family scandal and I don't hold any grudges against anyone. I've never been in the situation my parents were in, I can't say what I would or wouldn't do. Because I don't know. I hope to God I NEVER find out, but I can't make judgements.

When I talked to Husband about this, I felt guilty for being relieved that it wasn't just me, but once I processed all the information, I'm good. I really am. There's no more guilt, there is satisfaction that I made the right choice. If any of my family wants to see me or my children, then they can come to my house or we can meet elsewhere. Now I can be completely honest with them. I don't have to make up excuses about birthday parties, sickness, or anything else I can pull out of my ass in the moment. I can just tell them we won't be going and that's THAT! I can't even begin to explain the freedom I'm feeling right now. I feel clean, I don't feel damaged, I don't feel like this is some trait I can pass onto my children and the same thing will happen to them. I know all those things were true before, but now for really really reals, I know.

I will do anything in my power to keep my children safe and never once did I question if I was doing the right thing by keeping them away from him. But I did feel guilty because they don't know my cousins and my aunts very well. Growing up, we were all very close and I would love to have my children be part of that. I'd like them to feel the closeness that I did. But it isn't worth it. It's not worth putting them in the same room whether it'll be "fine" or not. They will not be in the same room, breathing the same air as him, if I can help it. I'm sure there will be funerals or maybe weddings that we will have to attend and he will be there, but no family functions will we be attending anytime soon. And that, my friends, feels pretty damn good!

One last thing, I promise. When I first blogged about this, I was terrified! I've never hid it, but then again I've never shouted at the top of my lungs about it, either. It's a part of me and if you know me well, then I'll let ya in on it. But if I just met ya I won't say "hey there, so I was molested when I was a kid. Nice to meet you". So the decision to blog about something so personal and controversial was scary. Then I got all those comments on my first post. All of you agreed with me, obviously, that I was making the right decision. You all supported me and gave me the courage to stand up for myself. THEN I posted about it again... and AGAIN, I got nothing but support! Thank you, every one of you! Thank you for allowing me to write about something that is not pretty or funny and commenting on it. It's an uncomfortable subject to say the least and you could have easily just clicked away, but you didn't! You read AND you commented. That kind of support is priceless and "thank you" seems so inadequate. But I do thank you, from the bottom of my heart, even. I need to stop now, or I will cry and I really dislike crying.

I hope every one of you has a wonderful day/evening. Please know that I am thinking about you and sending you an extra hug today.

22 friends have commented:

MoxieMamaKC on April 1, 2009 at 9:07 AM said...

Good for you for confronting your dad! I'm glad you feel like the veil of secrecy has been lifted! You're SO right to protect your children.

Heather and Jase on April 1, 2009 at 9:09 AM said...

I had a feeling Uncle Douche Bag had a history of this kind of thing. I'm so glad you have something solid to work with now and have stopped doubting yourself. If you wanna take a road trip I will come with you to rip him a new one with a Tabasco covered sharp stick right up the ass.

We love you and when you hurt we hurt. When you rejoice we dance the Cabbage Patch!

Kristin on April 1, 2009 at 9:34 AM said...

I am so glad you got this release. You have been through so much because of "Uncle Douche Bag" (thanks Heather) and I am so happy you finally are free of it.

seussgirl on April 1, 2009 at 10:04 AM said...

I agree with you that it stinks that this happened to other people, but I'm glad you've found release in the truth. And the freedom from guilt over that side of the family. Doing what's best for your family should never make you feel guilty!

Jim and Jenn on April 1, 2009 at 10:10 AM said...

I am so totally proud of you (even if I have not known you that long)

Taking care of yourself and your children is and always will be priority #1.

I am sorry you had that info about Uncle Douche Bag dumped on you like that however it sounds like you came out the other side of it in a blaze of glory!

Good for you for talking about this...NO - it's not an easy OR comfortable thing but with every word you put out there..it helps others to know THEY are not alone!

You totally ROCK!!!
HUGS

Dora on April 1, 2009 at 10:15 AM said...

I can feel the lightness in this post. I'm glad you trusted us all to be so open. YAY for freedom!

sunflowerchilde on April 1, 2009 at 11:41 AM said...

Great job! This was a wonderful post to read! It made me really happy, and honestly between our cancelled IUI and my knee injury, I needed to read something that made me happy.

I have a real problem with feeling guilty about things even when I know it's the right thing, so I think it's great that you've overcome that. What a wonderful gift.

c by the sea on April 1, 2009 at 12:26 PM said...

what a wonderful feeling to be free again! i am so glad you are able to put the negative energy away and focus on using the past to protect yourself and your family in the future!

natalie on April 1, 2009 at 1:25 PM said...

You are awesome! Way to go to finally feel free of all that madness and making sure he will not be around your children. It is your job to protect them as best you can, and you're doing an excellent job.

Raggedy Ann on April 1, 2009 at 1:46 PM said...

I don't know the whole story but I can kinda guess from this post. I'm so sorry for all the pain that SOB brought to your life. Send him over to this side of the Atlantic and I'll take care of him for you...the Portuguese way!

MissMeliss on April 1, 2009 at 1:48 PM said...

Good for you. I'm so sorry you had to go through such hell. That's awful. I am glad, though, that you were finally able to talk to your dad about it and realize it is NOT your fault in anyway.

Protecting our children should always be at the top of the priority list. {{Big Hugs}}

Melissa

Aunt Becky on April 1, 2009 at 2:18 PM said...

*hugs*

You are a strong brave woman and I'm proud to know you.

alicia on April 1, 2009 at 2:25 PM said...

i am so glad you have some peace now! it must feel wonderful having a sense of freedom! yay hugs hugs hugs and i think its great that you don't have to feel like you are making excuses with your family anymore, that you can just say no and not worry about it. you are doing a great job with your kids, and its great you are able to protect them from all of this.

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL on April 1, 2009 at 7:10 PM said...

YOU.GO.GIRL! So glad you've found some peace of mind. :)

Third times a charm on April 1, 2009 at 7:47 PM said...

I am so glad that you were able to get this cleared up (the completely and totally not your fault part) and now don't have to stress over being polite while protecting your children. I am hear if you need to talk.

Coffeegrl on April 1, 2009 at 9:20 PM said...

I've had several very good friends who were molested when they were young - I know how it can mess with your head. It's understandable that a young person wouldn't know how to react to something like that and I can see why you might feel like you were the only one or the cause. Having said that, I'm SO glad you know now that it wasn't either of those things - he was just a jerk. A total SOB. I don't blame you ONE BIT for wanting to protect your children. I would do EXACTLY the same thing to keep my daughter safe. Here's hoping just a little more peace finds you each and every day :)

Tiffanie on April 2, 2009 at 8:54 AM said...

i'm glad to read that you know things that happened aren't your fault and that you got some justification for keeping your kids away so you don't ever feel guilty for that.

and, yes, you can be my infertility statue and/or dance around me! any day!

Celia on April 2, 2009 at 9:28 AM said...

You are right to keep your children away from them. I used to think if I kept the house clean and was as good as I could be and did everything right that my Mom would not drink. You can guess how well that worked.

honeywine on April 2, 2009 at 10:48 AM said...

One of the biggest, hardest things to do in this world is not only to know the truth but to live with it openly. I'm really happy for you.

KimboSue on April 2, 2009 at 11:58 AM said...

I am so proud of you for opening up to your dad. And what a jerk that uncle asshole could have done this to not only you, but others as well!! I understand you not wanting your own kids around him - that's just being a safe and concerned parent!

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) on April 2, 2009 at 7:51 PM said...

What an ass! I'm so glad you're experiencing some freedom. You're courageous and lovely!

JamieD on April 3, 2009 at 1:11 PM said...

Oh, sweetie. I can't express the sadness I have when I think of all you have gone through. But I know, no matter how many times you have been told, you need to find out and understand for yourself. IT WASN'T YOU. It never was.

You and your family are your priority. Screw the rest of them!

I am so glad you have had this breakthrough. Doing the happy dance for you!

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