This is might make little to no sense at all. I just have to get it out of my head or I'm going to freak the fuck out. I still might, but I don't think this can hurt. Well it'll hurt, but no more then it does now.
I just saw a Best Buy commercial that was about Mother's Day. I knew this day was coming. I signed up for "OMG YOU ROCK" day to lend a supporting hand to my friends. I never once thought about the help I'm going to need on that day and the days leading up to it. The stupid commercial was about a son wanting to get the "perfect" gift for his mom. At the end of the commercial the gal said "everyone thinks about their mom". I scoffed and thought "Not about their dead mom". I didn't think about it much, just rolled my eyes and took a shower. As I was drying my hair, the commercial came back into my head and my eyes filled with tears and I had to control my breathing so I wouldn't end up on the floor in a heap of tears and snot.
Now I'm shaking, my hands are trembling and I'm really scared. I didn't give much thought to how this day was going to effect me. Last year wasn't too bad, the year before that I was in a margarita numbness to care. Not healthy, I know. I'm not even proud that I did that, but I did. Nothing I can do about it now. This year isn't going to be as easy as the last few years have been. I know the pain this year. I know she is gone and isn't coming back. I don't know how I'm going to do this. I know I can, I just don't know HOW.
How in the hell do I do THIS? How do I celebrate this day without my mom? With knowing that she isn't HERE to call? I can talk to her and I do often, but right now, that isn't making me hurt less. I know this day is painful for a lot of you. I can't imagine any one's pain. I'm sorry, so sorry there is so much pain in the world. I wish for all the pain to just go away.