Apr 25, 2009

Shaky Hands, Thumping Heart, Here IT Comes...

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
This is might make little to no sense at all. I just have to get it out of my head or I'm going to freak the fuck out. I still might, but I don't think this can hurt. Well it'll hurt, but no more then it does now.

I just saw a Best Buy commercial that was about Mother's Day. I knew this day was coming. I signed up for "OMG YOU ROCK" day to lend a supporting hand to my friends. I never once thought about the help I'm going to need on that day and the days leading up to it. The stupid commercial was about a son wanting to get the "perfect" gift for his mom. At the end of the commercial the gal said "everyone thinks about their mom". I scoffed and thought "Not about their dead mom". I didn't think about it much, just rolled my eyes and took a shower. As I was drying my hair, the commercial came back into my head and my eyes filled with tears and I had to control my breathing so I wouldn't end up on the floor in a heap of tears and snot.

Now I'm shaking, my hands are trembling and I'm really scared. I didn't give much thought to how this day was going to effect me. Last year wasn't too bad, the year before that I was in a margarita numbness to care. Not healthy, I know. I'm not even proud that I did that, but I did. Nothing I can do about it now. This year isn't going to be as easy as the last few years have been. I know the pain this year. I know she is gone and isn't coming back. I don't know how I'm going to do this. I know I can, I just don't know HOW.

How in the hell do I do THIS? How do I celebrate this day without my mom? With knowing that she isn't HERE to call? I can talk to her and I do often, but right now, that isn't making me hurt less. I know this day is painful for a lot of you. I can't imagine any one's pain. I'm sorry, so sorry there is so much pain in the world. I wish for all the pain to just go away.

11 friends have commented:

densfordfamily on April 25, 2009 at 1:30 PM said...

i hate mother's day for the same reason. i'm not a mom, i don't have a mom. its been 9 years that mother's day has sucked. i haven't gotten over it.

xoxo
~j

Heather and Jase on April 25, 2009 at 1:33 PM said...

*HUGS* Why can't we spend the day in a margarita induced coma?

I wish I had to words to ease your pain, but no such words exist.

Wrapping you in a cocoon of love.

Stacey K on April 25, 2009 at 1:38 PM said...

I don't know that the pain ends. You can't go around the pain, you have to somehow struggle through it and I wish I knew the best way to do that. I haven't been where you are, so all I can offer is my support.

hugs and wishes for you,

Stacey

Liv on April 25, 2009 at 3:03 PM said...

I agree with Stacey. You can't get rid of it you just have to go through it. I'm so sorry.

BTW: You were half my inspiration for the OMG You rock day as I thought about how even though you are a mom...you'll be missing yours.

Love you bunches.

We have Angel Wings on April 25, 2009 at 4:07 PM said...

Reading your post brought the lyrics of "Pain" by Three Days Grace into my head.

One of my favorite parts in the song is this:

"This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand"

I want you to know that even though my pain is different I understand how your heart is hurting. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom. And something that I've learned is, the pain never goes away. Somehow, someway, we learn to live with it.

We're all here to hold your hand and we'll be there when you need us.

((HUGS))

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL on April 25, 2009 at 4:56 PM said...

Awww, so sorry you're hurting so much. Wish I had words to ease the pain for you...

*HUGS!*

MoxieMamaKC on April 25, 2009 at 6:47 PM said...

If I could just give you a BIG hug...hang in there...I don't even know what I can say to comfort you. I know you're fighting so hard to overcome your grief. Sometimes it helps me to say, "Ok. This hurts. This SUCKS! But this pain isn't forever. I hurt now, but I trust that someday it will not hurt so much." I'm proud of you for hanging in there...

becomingwhole on April 26, 2009 at 7:36 PM said...

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that there is no way around it, only through. I'm just sorry it hurts so much.

Coffeegrl on April 27, 2009 at 4:06 AM said...

Tough, tough days ahead no doubt. I'm so sorry that we're not close enough to get a cup of coffee (I have NOT given it up, it's just hard to acquire around here sometimes). But hang there. And know we're all out thinking about you.

SS on April 27, 2009 at 7:07 AM said...

I am so sorry. I can't imagine how painful this time of year must be for you. I do know that you are a strong person and have a loving family that will help you get through. I will be thinking of you.

Deathstar on April 27, 2009 at 8:59 AM said...

I don't think losing your mum is something you ever get over. It's still fresh, you know, so honour that time of pain. You're going to feel sick and ill and dizzy, but do something positive for your mum on Mother's Day. Plant a tree, a rose bush, buy her a present and put it away. Get a tattoo (even a fake one), wear something of hers. You're always so encouraging to others and so loving.

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