I'm pretty sure I'm going to gain AT LEAST 10 pounds today. Maybe more, we'll have to see. I'm going to have to do A LOT of jogging and weights to get rid of all the pounds of chocolate I've been eating the past few days. Thanks to Stacy K for the chocolate picture that is about to go on my phone. It made me feel better to know, I've got people out there to feed my addiction.
Obviously, I've had a few rough days. I was feeling pretty good yesterday. Not so wrapped up in my emotional fog. I wasn't my usually annoying Polly Anna and "Rainbows and Sunshine" self, but I wasn't "The world is going to end and I'm OK with that" self either. Somewhere in between. Which, I guess is good. I'd much rather be in the in between place then the full blown hurting place I found myself in after going to the grocery store.
I get that there will be reminders of my mother being dead and generally, I accept them. I also get, that I can't REALLY burn down a certain store because their commercial made me cry and when it's on, I RUN from the front room. It's fun to think so, plus anger is easier to deal with then sadness, for me. In the spirit of accepting and allowing myself to truly grieve over my mom's death, I've gotten closer to sadness then anger in the past few months. YAY! Go me!(?) The only thing I ask is that The Universe give me a week or two between reminders. Hell, even a DAY or two would be a welcome gift. Is that really too much to ask? Give give me a moment to catch my breath before pushing me under, yet, one. more. time. Please allow the checker at the grocery store to talk about something, ANYTHING other then a friend's dead mother. And how your friend didn't get her mother's rings because the house was robbed and she's so very broken up about it. And how she should have gotten the rings the LAST time she was at her mother's house. And then please don't look at me while talking about this and pretend you can't see the look on my face. Or maybe you really didn't see it, who knows. I, obviously, couldn't see my face, but I did feel the blood drain into my feet and my heart THUMP a little louder. I'll accept these conversations to take place as long as I didn't have that "ice cold water in the face" shock of reality the day before. I'll even put a dollar or two *big spender* on the fact, that I could deal with these conversations just fine. I might even laugh at the irony of it. Shit, maybe I'll buy a lottery ticket because how many people are in that store who've had a mother pass away who picks the check that is having a real conversation about a dead mother? I'm guessing the odds aren't that high and I've got Lady Luck on my side.
No wonder the fog came back and I was left wondering "how do I deal with THIS one?" I sat on the couch and Husband asked me what was wrong and I told him I was having a rough couple of days. Then he offered his body as a mattress. So, I climbed on and snuggled and proceeded to cry. I didn't have a sob fest, the tears just came out. My cup was overflowing with emotion and it needed to me emptied. And empty it I did, all over Husband's shirt. He was great about it, as always. He just rubbed my back, even took off my bra and didn't cop a feel! After my cry fest, I passed out. I can't imagine Husband was very comfy with me in a emotion induced coma on his chest, but he let me stay there until I woke up. I felt a bit better after I woke up, except for a headache and my face hurt! The "after cry" headache and swollen face. Good times. I was truly, a Beautiful Mess last night. It's funny how Husband tells me I'm beautiful after I've cried. I think it has to do with feeling so raw and fragile. I don't know, but I'll take the compliment!
As the evening wore on, I felt better. Thanks to Heather. Who totally rocked out my blog! Doesn't it look AMAZING?! Thank you so much Heather, your my HTML bitch from now on ;o) The cheery colors on here, really made me smile. I needed something bright and cheery to look at. Also my BFF deserves a big shout out. She and I were texting and I was doing my best to tell her what the hell is going on with me. All I had were over dramatic words and so I apologized for being SO dramatic and her response was "Well if the Prada shoe fits...wear em till ur toes bleed". Ahhhh perfection in the form of a text! Love that bitch!
It took a lot to get out of bed this morning, but I did it. I even got dressed AND made coffee. Oh yeah I have Tuesday by the balls. Even if I put my shorts on backwards this morning and JUST now realized it. I'm emotionally hungover and I feel so fragile, but the feeling is getting better by the minute. The headache won't go away until tomorrow, I'm sure. Nor with "the pressure cooked brain" feeling, but it's OK because I not only jumped over hurdles the past few days, I knocked em down and kicked their ass! With tears running down my face, but I still did it. I can't say I feel stronger, but I do know that I dealt with this wave better then I did in December and in January. That's all I can ask for, right?
The support I've received has been astounding. I wish there was a better way to express my gratitude then to say "thank you", but I can't find it. If/when I do..ya'll will be the first to know. I truly feel without all of you, THIS would have been so much harder then it was. I can't even begin to imagine it being worse and I'm glad I don't have to find out.