Apr 28, 2009

Emotionally Hungover

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
I'm pretty sure I'm going to gain AT LEAST 10 pounds today. Maybe more, we'll have to see. I'm going to have to do A LOT of jogging and weights to get rid of all the pounds of chocolate I've been eating the past few days. Thanks to Stacy K for the chocolate picture that is about to go on my phone. It made me feel better to know, I've got people out there to feed my addiction.

Obviously, I've had a few rough days. I was feeling pretty good yesterday. Not so wrapped up in my emotional fog. I wasn't my usually annoying Polly Anna and "Rainbows and Sunshine" self, but I wasn't "The world is going to end and I'm OK with that" self either. Somewhere in between. Which, I guess is good. I'd much rather be in the in between place then the full blown hurting place I found myself in after going to the grocery store.

I get that there will be reminders of my mother being dead and generally, I accept them. I also get, that I can't REALLY burn down a certain store because their commercial made me cry and when it's on, I RUN from the front room. It's fun to think so, plus anger is easier to deal with then sadness, for me. In the spirit of accepting and allowing myself to truly grieve over my mom's death, I've gotten closer to sadness then anger in the past few months. YAY! Go me!(?) The only thing I ask is that The Universe give me a week or two between reminders. Hell, even a DAY or two would be a welcome gift. Is that really too much to ask? Give give me a moment to catch my breath before pushing me under, yet, one. more. time. Please allow the checker at the grocery store to talk about something, ANYTHING other then a friend's dead mother. And how your friend didn't get her mother's rings because the house was robbed and she's so very broken up about it. And how she should have gotten the rings the LAST time she was at her mother's house. And then please don't look at me while talking about this and pretend you can't see the look on my face. Or maybe you really didn't see it, who knows. I, obviously, couldn't see my face, but I did feel the blood drain into my feet and my heart THUMP a little louder. I'll accept these conversations to take place as long as I didn't have that "ice cold water in the face" shock of reality the day before. I'll even put a dollar or two *big spender* on the fact, that I could deal with these conversations just fine. I might even laugh at the irony of it. Shit, maybe I'll buy a lottery ticket because how many people are in that store who've had a mother pass away who picks the check that is having a real conversation about a dead mother? I'm guessing the odds aren't that high and I've got Lady Luck on my side.

No wonder the fog came back and I was left wondering "how do I deal with THIS one?" I sat on the couch and Husband asked me what was wrong and I told him I was having a rough couple of days. Then he offered his body as a mattress. So, I climbed on and snuggled and proceeded to cry. I didn't have a sob fest, the tears just came out. My cup was overflowing with emotion and it needed to me emptied. And empty it I did, all over Husband's shirt. He was great about it, as always. He just rubbed my back, even took off my bra and didn't cop a feel! After my cry fest, I passed out. I can't imagine Husband was very comfy with me in a emotion induced coma on his chest, but he let me stay there until I woke up. I felt a bit better after I woke up, except for a headache and my face hurt! The "after cry" headache and swollen face. Good times. I was truly, a Beautiful Mess last night. It's funny how Husband tells me I'm beautiful after I've cried. I think it has to do with feeling so raw and fragile. I don't know, but I'll take the compliment!

As the evening wore on, I felt better. Thanks to Heather. Who totally rocked out my blog! Doesn't it look AMAZING?! Thank you so much Heather, your my HTML bitch from now on ;o) The cheery colors on here, really made me smile. I needed something bright and cheery to look at. Also my BFF deserves a big shout out. She and I were texting and I was doing my best to tell her what the hell is going on with me. All I had were over dramatic words and so I apologized for being SO dramatic and her response was "Well if the Prada shoe fits...wear em till ur toes bleed". Ahhhh perfection in the form of a text! Love that bitch!

It took a lot to get out of bed this morning, but I did it. I even got dressed AND made coffee. Oh yeah I have Tuesday by the balls. Even if I put my shorts on backwards this morning and JUST now realized it. I'm emotionally hungover and I feel so fragile, but the feeling is getting better by the minute. The headache won't go away until tomorrow, I'm sure. Nor with "the pressure cooked brain" feeling, but it's OK because I not only jumped over hurdles the past few days, I knocked em down and kicked their ass! With tears running down my face, but I still did it. I can't say I feel stronger, but I do know that I dealt with this wave better then I did in December and in January. That's all I can ask for, right?

The support I've received has been astounding. I wish there was a better way to express my gratitude then to say "thank you", but I can't find it. If/when I do..ya'll will be the first to know. I truly feel without all of you, THIS would have been so much harder then it was. I can't even begin to imagine it being worse and I'm glad I don't have to find out.

17 friends have commented:

Kristin on April 28, 2009 at 11:33 AM said...

That emotional hangover is almost as bad as a real one. {{{Hugs}}}

And, I love the new look of your blog.

Heather R. on April 28, 2009 at 1:28 PM said...

I am so glad you're fighting your way out of the fog. Backward shorts are the new rage!
Pass that chocolate! You owe me!
Copy and pasting code is sooo HARD!

honeywine on April 28, 2009 at 2:20 PM said...

That is one great husband you have there. And the blog looks fab! When I get time, I need to think about giving mine a facelift. There should be a law that we only have to deal with one kick to the lady balls at a time.

Mel on April 28, 2009 at 3:14 PM said...

Sending you more giant hugs and gooey chocolate...as long as you promise to share one of the yummy caramel-filled ones with me! :)

Thinking of you today. *hugs*

The Unproductive One on April 28, 2009 at 3:28 PM said...

I clicked on your blog and thought WTF, did I click on the wrong link?

It looks FAB gorgeous, really bright and cheery which is what I think of you whenever I read your words (yes even the emotionally ladened ones!).

xxxxx

Aunt Becky on April 28, 2009 at 3:33 PM said...

I'm sending you love, my friend. And begging you to pass the chocolate. I have a big ugly test tomorrow and I'll be all emotionally hung over afterwards. Perhaps I will buy some REAL chocolate. Screw the diet.

eden on April 28, 2009 at 5:20 PM said...

I'm loving the hell out of your new look. It's like, your blog got botox. So puuuuurdy.

I can't believe you got that check-out chick either. What are the chances!? It's like, you get a new car and suddenly on the road you see your car everywhere. Like when you want to be pregnant so bad, you're surrounded by big bellies.

I'm so glad you are feeling a wee bit better. And SO impressed by your hubbie not copping a feel when he took your bra off. Now that's love.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Jenn on April 28, 2009 at 5:50 PM said...

LOVE the new look!!!

Apparently we both have been visiting the same amusement park.....
Same park....different emotional roller coasters - both suck nuts!!

I vote we both get in our favorite jammies, pop in a good crier of a movie and pig out on chocolate, ice cream and popcorn!!!

Wish I could ease some of that heartache for you....can only send you hugs my dear!

BTW...your team did pretty darn good the other night!!!

cysteract on April 28, 2009 at 6:18 PM said...

Love the new look .. and that chocey picture looks soo soo good.

I know the emotional hangover well .. they suck what a rock of a husband you have there.

Sending you much love and tight squeezes today xX

becomingwhole on April 28, 2009 at 7:39 PM said...

Good luck with the hangover...I totally get what you mean about being so grateful to the community and not having the words. I REALLY get that. In fact, _you_ are one of the people I am so grateful to.

becomingwhole on April 28, 2009 at 7:42 PM said...

Oh, and I sent you an email, so let me know if you didn't get it. :)

Deathstar on April 28, 2009 at 9:27 PM said...

Be gentle with yourself. Like your new look.

WiseGuy on April 29, 2009 at 2:07 AM said...

Shitz, how can you get away by Bitch-coding fixers?

I am glad that you are getting better and now I know where that carrot came from ...yeah, that carrot which was dangled on twitter today...the carrot I can chomp on 24x7...the carrot which does not improve the eyesight, but makes the weighing machines sigh...that carrot that...oh well...see you frickin' fixated me on the picture....

Feel better soon.

And, Thank You...

Parenthood For Me on April 29, 2009 at 4:51 AM said...

Danielle, you are so strong. I am sorry that there are constant reminders but you are so great for dealing with them and letting your self be sad or angry. Hubby sounds like an awesome guy. Not copping a feel? Unheard of! I love your new blog. It is beautiful just like you. Beautiful Mess...it's like picking up trash in dresses. Having the ability to express that you are sad is beautiful.

sunflowerchilde on April 29, 2009 at 8:15 AM said...

OMG, that chocolate looks SO GOOD. Your husband sounds so amazingly sweet, what a wonderful support you have. I'm sorry you had that experience at the store.

I was laughing about you having your shorts on backwards and just noticing it now! I do that sometimes too *sigh*.

Coffeegrl on April 29, 2009 at 3:25 PM said...

I LOVE the new look on your blog!!

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL on May 1, 2009 at 4:46 PM said...

Love the blog makeover!

Your DH sounds sooo wonderful and supportive! So does your best friend, her Prada quote was great.

Thinking of you...

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