Jul 14, 2008


Musings of A Beautiful Mess
You may no longer not take the blame for your actions. I will no longer say "Oh it's ok, you were busy", or things of that nature. I am going to train people how to treat me!

This has been a long time coming for me. I have bent, made excuses, told myself some aren't just as kind hearted as I, and so on and so forth. Well *pardon me here* but that is pure bullshit! I am pissed off, hurt, I have been betrayed and God dammit I am not holding it in any longer! No more, will I make excuses for being wronged. I will not feel guilty because I needed a friend and my "best friend" was not there and I voiced my feelings. I will no longer fight, argue, talk endlessly about it but I will not trust as freely as I once did.

The damage has been done. I am at a loss as to how to deal with this, but I will. I will pull up my boot straps, get on with my life and know that there are some in this world that will never live up to my standards. My standards aren't even that high. Like I said, it has been a long time coming. I have finally given up on the fact that my friend will change. She won't. She will be who she is and I must accept that or I must break ties. I can't change her, nor would I want to. If this is who she is, then maybe this is for the best. Maybe this is the woman she is becoming. It is a shame because she wasn't like this. All that matters is that my eyes are open now and I am willing to see the situation and act accordingly. I made a mistake by giving so many chances. I can only blame her for part of it. Now, if I let it continue, I may only blame myself. I will NOT take the blame for being a good friend to her and not getting what I want and deserve in return!

"I love you" and "you're the best friend a girl could ever want" will not fix this. If this is meant to be fixed, it will take time. A LONG time. Only time will tell me the future.

1 friends have commented:

Mischief Maker on July 15, 2008 at 1:03 PM said...

Your last two posts about friendships got me thinking, because these are subjects that I have been talking with others about lately too. What I am beginning to understand is this: Once we come to know the limitations of our friends (such as being unreliable, being flaky or fickle, being moody, etc) it is really up to us to handle with care.

For example, think of a closet of clothes: I love my yoga pants and my cocktail dress and I understand the purpose of each. I am going to wear the yoga pants tonight when I go to yoga class. I wore the dress when I went out with friends over the weekend. If I wore the dress to yoga class, knowing full well that it is a cocktail dress, it would be very unfair of me to get mad at the dress for not being appropriate for use at yoga class. And even though each item of clothing serves a different purpose for me, I am just as comfortable wearing and pleased with owning each item.

Also, another truth is that often relationships that begin as "recreational" (like an acquaintance that you go out with on weekends, a casual sexual partner, or even a co-worker or a mom friend that you might meet through your children) don't transition well into more intensity. Sure, that person might be great fun on Friday night, but they really can't swing any more intimacy than that. Or maybe that friend is perfect for scheduling play dates every now and then with some light laughter and gossip over coffee, but she isn't the right choice when you are in a crisis.

I find that so often when I am frustrated with navigating my personal relationships, it is because my expectations are out of sync with someone's abilities to meet them. Then the adjustment needs to come from within. We don't need to change our expectations, and we don't even need to hate the person who has disappointed us (though there is usually a bit of sadness over the loss of what we had hoped for). We need to instead seek out other means of having our wants and needs met. We learn to not confide in the friend who doesn't keep our secrets. We learn to not set our hopes up too high for that weekend trip with the friend who has a history of bailing at the last minute. We learn that everyone expresses love and affection differently and everyone accepts love and affection differently. Like a dear friend who buys a thoughtful "this reminded me of you" gift, when we really prefer hour-long heartfelt talks and hugs. In relationships there are very real disappointments and there are very real mismatches when two people just can't seem to relate in a positive manner no matter how much they may both want to. But I think in most cases just a little internal tweak here and a little understanding and compassion there will smooth things along.

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