Jul 24, 2008

A turning point

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
I have done a lot of thinking lately. I have done a lot of talking and TRYING to find out if I am in the wrong and if so, where did I go wrong? I feel very strongly about my feelings being hurt. I also feel very strongly that it isn't fair, but then again, that's what life is all about. I am also aware of the fact that I am partial to blame. I expected something from someone when I probably shouldn't have. No, I KNEW I shouldn't have. That's where I am to blame. Just because I treat someone a certain way and expect them to treat me as such, it won't always happen. I am going to try to not become bitter about the lesson I have learned. I am going to try to grow and learn from this and do my best to still be the person I was before. It hasn't been easy for me, especially since I wear my heart on my sleeve. I honestly do think I can't wear my heart on my sleeve, but I can be a little more cautious of whom I put trust and faith into.

The worst part of this is the guilt I feel. I don't feel guilty over anything I did in this situation, but I do feel guilty for my behavior over the last year or so. I didn't do anything bad, per se, but I did talk to friends about certain things I should have been talking to my husband about. I didn't think he wanted to hear me talk endlessly about my feelings or something boring like that. I was wrong. It may not be his favorite thing to talk or listen to about, but he won't run from the room scratching out his ears so he won't be able to hear another word. He is my partner, he is my 50/50 partner, at that. I should have put more faith in our marriage and been talking to or leaning on him a bit more for emotional help. Especially when I was going through facing my mother's death. I realize this now and I don't think any damage was done. I don't think our marriage has suffered because I wasn't talking to him about this stuff, but I see now that I should have. I am able to trust him. I am able to tell him my darkest fears and he is able to confirm them without scaring me more or making me feel stupid. I know i have always been able to trust him, there has never been a doubt in my mind about that. I know that he'll never leave me when I am in need the most, but I didn't accept that. I wasn't wanting to accept that help because I didn't want to be a burden. It's so classic of a stay at home mom. Or maybe any mother. We put our families first and do everything for them and we don't realize what we are doing. We try to make everything look and seem so effortless. When, in reality we are going CRAZY trying to do everything!

So here I am, finally feeling healthy and I'm looking back on the past 2 weeks and I realize I am not a burden. I may be the one who does the most around here, but that doesn't mean that if I get sick, I am a burden. I don't feel guilty for getting sick, I had no control over it. I feel very fortunate to have a family who rallied around me and helped me when I needed it. I am loved and not just because I can cook a good meal or do a load of laundry. I am loved because of who I am. I am the mother and wife of this family, but we are a team. I am not the coach, we are all in this together. When one of is down, we all help to pick that one back up.

Even though I would have loved to not get sick, I learned some valuable lessons. Although these lessons have been told to me a million times over, I had to learn them on my own. I am not going to say I am grateful for getting sick, because frankly, I could have done without it. What I will say is; I am grateful for my family who physically took care of me while I was sick. I am also grateful for the friends who wished me well and are still mother henning me.

I am doing well, but still taking it easy. Thank you to everyone who helped me get to where I am today.

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