Jun 7, 2009

Lots To Say

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
I want to say a few things about Dr. Tiller. I've read a few blogs and articles about what happened to him and how his death and life affected these woman's lives. I don't agree with how he was killed. Frankly, I think it's horrible. It makes no sense whatsoever! I don't understand how people think that killing this man was a good idea. Yes, he performed late term abortions, but the people who protested what he did, did they do ANY research? Did they read ANY articles where he made sure it was for a MEDICAL cause and not "just because"? Do they know that he has a family and friends that care about him? Will it make their argument for banning late term abortions suddenly OK because they did "their job"? I honestly can NOT wrap my brain around it. I just do not understand, plain and simple.

I can see how someone doesn't agree with what he did for a living, but killing him? How does that make ANY sense? Although, if I did agree with the people who are OK with his death, then I suppose I wouldn't be questioning it and would be crazy *totally my opinion* as well? I can understand how one might not agree with abortion. I've never been in a position where I had to make a decision like that. But am I thankful I have the choice? HELL YEAH I am! Am I thankful that Kristin had the choice to make, as well as Cecily Of course I am!

Two people, that I know of, in my personal life have had abortions. While, I may not agree with their reasons, that doesn't mean I am going to judge them for it. It's not my place to say it's the right choice or it's the wrong choice. Why? BECAUSE I AM NOT THEM! I have always said "I may not agree with your choice, but I will always support you in it" to all my friends and family. While I didn't understand my friend's reason for her abortion, I was still at her side while she took those pills and helped her through all of it. She cried and cried, not for her, but for me. She looked into my eyes and said "I am making the choice to do this, you didn't have a choice when you had your miscarriages. I can't believe you're here helping me and taking care of me". I didn't even think about it like that. Not once was I resentful toward her for doing something voluntarily, that my body did involuntarily. It wasn't about that. It was about this was her choice to make, she needs to live with this choice for the rest of her life. Will me looking down my nose at her, make a difference? Will she decide not to take those pills because I disagree with it? No! Just because I may not have made that decision, who's to say that someday I might HAVE to make that decision? Life is funny that way. Things always have a way coming back to biting you in the ass. If me being by her side made her feel a little bit better about the choice she felt she HAD to make, then I'm willing to do because I love her. She is my best friend and I will love her until the day that I die. I am pro-choice and damn proud of it! I don't want to ever see the day where I don't have a choice. I don't ever want to hear about an "back alley" abortion gone wrong, and a woman lost her life. I feel it's senseless.
*stepping down off my soap box*

Another thing that's been on my mind is discrimination. Not race discrimination, but how people look at others. I've been discriminated against a lot of my life, especially my adult life. When I walk into a place, I get looked up and down and then people turn their noses up at me. Why? Because I am "skinny and pretty" their words NOT mine.

One of my very good friends is overweight. When I first met her, I didn't look at her as "the fat girl" in the room. I looked at her as a woman *girl* who was funny, looked like she was having a great time and I really wanted to get to know her. But how did she look at me? She was a complete and total bitch to me and my friend. Why? Because we were "skinny and pretty" and our lives were SO much better then hers because of it. She literally turned her back on us when we went over there to talk to them. This wasn't the first time it has happened and it wasn't the last.

I've always been a kind person. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect and I can be a HUGE bitch. But it takes A LOT for me to get there. I give people the benefit of the doubt, when I first meet them. Even if I've heard the opposite. When someone has wronged me, I'll give them a few chances. If they continue to do it, I won't cut them out of my life, I'll just distance myself from them.

I am and always will be a Pollyanna. I will always see rainbows and sunshine and vomit happiness all over everyone and everything. There is ALWAYS a silver lining and I can always put a positive spin on it. Does it bother me that I try to put on a good first impression and I get that I'm a snob? Very much so! Can I change people's minds? Sadly, no I can't. All I can do is give them the opportunity to get to know me and know that I'm not a snob, nor am I bitch. My life is not perfect because I am "skinny and pretty". Nor am I perfect.

The grass is not always greener on the other side. Don't judge a book by it's cover. Dig deeper and you will find a diamond in the rough. All those cliches are true for a reason.

I will never understand closed minded people and I will never understand discrimination. These are facts I've come to terms with. All I can do is be the best Beautiful Mess I can be. If that means people judging me for what I look like, then so be it. If people choose to get to know me, they will find a very caring person who doesn't judge on looks alone. And that, my friends, is something that my parents instilled in me. Something, I am eternally grateful for.

21 friends have commented:

Jenn on June 8, 2009 at 4:31 AM said...


Thank you so much for writing what I think is an eloquent, honest and heartfelt post!

In any given situation - there are always many ways to look at it. It solely depends on your vantage point.

I have learned a tremendous amount from supporting friends and family in situations that I didn't completely understand or agree with.

I want you to know that since I have never met you in person and have only seen a few pics, I can only judge you by the spirit in your posts/messages.

In my opinion - I think you are a doll! A beautiful, well-spoken, loving, caring, funny, intelligent, awesome friend.
I feel privileged to have met you!


Kristin on June 8, 2009 at 5:33 AM said...

Well said D. Thank you for such a thoughtful post on subjects that are so important to me. You rock and I'm so glad you are a part of my life.

Anonymous said...

Life is hard enough without people judging you during something so difficult. I am a judgemental person, but like you, I give someone a few chances before I give up on them. Sometimes you don't have to fix everyone. Sometimes it should be enough just to keep your self-respect.

Kristina on June 8, 2009 at 6:39 AM said...

What I don't understand is how can people who are not supportive of abortion because they believe it is the murder of an innocent life, how IN THE HELL is murdering the Dr. who performs the abortions okay? I just don't get it. And I don't at all support abortion, but I also know it can never go away, for the exact reason you mentioned-back alley abortions. Then mom dies, baby dies, and it's all for nothing. Thanks for touching on such a sensitive topic, you wrote about it very eloquently and even though I kinda disagree, I totally get your point. Great post!

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL on June 8, 2009 at 6:56 AM said...

Dani---You're awesome!

Your points about Dr. Tiller were spot-on, in my opinion.

And hugs to you...
As I am living life as a "fat girl," I am sometimes shunned and overlooked. LOVE that YOU love all others regardless of size, shape, color, etc. That is how I was raised, and how I strive to live my life as well. :)

Miss Meliss on June 8, 2009 at 8:37 AM said...

i think the whole thing is just awful. i mean, i feel so bad for his family and all those people he was so kind, gracious and understanding to.

IMO we need all the support we can get...and his death is a loss.


sunflowerchilde on June 8, 2009 at 11:10 AM said...

What a beautiful post. I know that a lot of discrimination (all of it?) is due to the fact that people are insecure, and they can only feel good about themselves if they create some reason to look down at others.

Thanks for writing this, it was really moving and heartfelt.

Mel on June 8, 2009 at 3:01 PM said...

Fantastic post, Dani! You always seem to know exactly what to say and how to express your thoughts in a way that is both sensitive and thought-provoking. I admire you tremendously for that.

It is SO true that stepping forward to be a loving, supportive friend is much more productive than passing judgment over any personal/moral decision. Until we've walked in their shoes...right? *hugs*

JamieD on June 8, 2009 at 3:39 PM said...

From one Pollyanna to another . . .

This is such a wonderful post, thank you for sharing. If only we could have more Beautiful Messes in this world.

Sassy on June 9, 2009 at 2:12 AM said...

Well put, Polly.

As for killing people, uh, I think it goes without saying, that's a pretty stark irony in the 'Pro-Life' movement.

Dora on June 9, 2009 at 10:18 AM said...

Beautiful post. You are a loyal, loving friend. The world needs more like you.

We need more like Dr. Tiller as well. So sad for his friends and family. Tragic for the women who may die without his services.

Deathstar on June 9, 2009 at 11:43 AM said...

There needs to be more people like you in the world and less of those who think that any means justifies the end.

Anonymous said...

Murdering that doctor was wrong.

I am pro-life and have many friends who are as well, and not a one of us condones or rejoiced in his death. It puts a very ugly mark on all our hands. I absolutely have empathy for anyone who is struggling with an unwanted pregnancy. I can't imagine being put in that decision, and since I have IF, I've obviously never have. My beliefs are not meant to judge others, it's just that I believe a life is a life, no matter if that life was intended, wanted, or not.

I hestitated to write this here, since it seems that it's pretty darn polictically incorrect to say 'pro life' these days. But, I know that you are someone who welcomes discussion and differing perspectives.

Thanks for giving me this opportunity!

We have Angel Wings on June 9, 2009 at 4:47 PM said...

I couldn't agree with you more.

I'm pro-life and I agree that a life is a life and what they did to this Dr. is just wrong.

Murder, no matter what, isn't right in my book.


Queenie. . . on June 9, 2009 at 6:09 PM said...

I've also been so disturbed about Dr. Tiller. My heart is broken for his family. He endured so much in his life in order to be there for women, including being shot once before. That he carried on in the face of all of that is the very definition of courage.

It's funny--as a skinny woman, I've experienced what you've described, but I guess I never looked at it as discrimination. It's really bad with my SIL, who is overweight and a very regretful SAHM. She has always been nasty to me, and from all of the comments, it's because I'm thin and a career woman. You are right, it is discrimination, though, because it's purely on surface characteristics.

I wish it would be as easy for people to love as it seems to be to hate.

Parenthood For Me on June 9, 2009 at 6:29 PM said...

Great post! I am pro choice as well and will never understand how taking a man's life justifies anything. I too give people many chances. I never shut people out of my life completely b/c that is not who I am. I always give people the benefit of the doubt b/c I want to believe that everyone truly means well but may have troubles in their life, etc. I hear you! I agree with you!

tbonegrl on June 10, 2009 at 7:18 AM said...

I am horrified by the fact that anyone against abortion because they are "pro life" would take someone else's life. That boggles my mind.

I am on the fence still about 3 column, but I'm coming to you if I decide to do it!

WiseGuy on June 10, 2009 at 7:26 AM said...

I did not know of a Dr. Tiller till I read your post...and I can't bear to go through....I hope you do not mind...

But there's something else I want you to consider -


KimboSue on June 10, 2009 at 10:40 AM said...

well said missy

SS on June 10, 2009 at 1:02 PM said...

This is a very well written post. I've been reading a lot of people's subject on the issue and bottom line is government should not stand in the way or what is mdeically sound for a woman and her fetus. Period. You just bring up so many important things. And I always find your perspective insightful. Thanks for sharing-

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) on June 10, 2009 at 1:51 PM said...

Hey, thanks for your comment on my blog. you are definitely one of those "exceptions" I was talking about...one of the bloggers I read who is honest and well-rounded in talking about motherhood and life in general. Your blog rocks. :)

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