Jun 20, 2009

The Evolution of a Beautiful Mess

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
*children mentioned*

A long time (33 years) ago a little girl was born to an immigrant father and an American mother. The mother was in an abusive relationship prior to marrying the father. She had already had 4 children with her ex, but wanted more. The father always wanted children. On their wedding day they were so happy and the pictures show how beautiful and how much in love they were. They also had a dirty little secret known as "premarital sex", but you couldn't see the evidence of that, yet. Six months later their daughter (ME) was born and then one year and four(!) days later another daughter (my lil sis) was born.

My dad wasn't sure if he could father children, so they weren't wasting any time. They already knew my mother could, but seeing how raising her first batch didn't go so well, she was up for trying again with a man that didn't beat her for breast feeding. True story, sadly. Obviously they were successful in having children, rather quickly even.

My dad raised one of my mom's children from her previous marriage because she was only 5 or 6 when they were married. The others were much older and chose to live with their father. So my older sister, myself and my lil sis were raised fairly equally. My lil sis and I were treated a bit differently, only because we were A LOT younger then older sis and didn't have a chip on our shoulders about my dad not being "my dad". I didn't really see any of it until I was much older. Now I look back and I see ALL of it. It breaks my heart that those kids treated my dad the way they did.

Anyway, so lil sis and I were a bit spoiled. Not in the way that we got everything and anything we wanted, but in the way that still makes my husband curse my parents. My mom made our beds for us every morning. I NEVER made my lunch when I was a kid. I didn't have chores. We didn't have to do yard work. My mom cleaned our rooms. We didn't have to eat our dinner if we didn't like it. I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the point and might be ready to come after me with a sharp knife. Please don't, I don't look good with a cut down my cheek, or a broken nose.

I did start doing my own laundry around 16 and had to clean my own room by then, as well. So it wasn't THAT bad. Around that time I had my first serious boyfriend. He was older then me and went to a different school. Of course he was SO much cooler then me because of this and my friends were oh so jealous! I was able to go to all sorts of school functions early because of my OLDER boyfriend. The downside to all of this, is that I was a dumb teenager. And when he told me I was fat, I believed him. Instead of throwing up because that was just TOO much work and GROSS, I decided to stop eating. Simple as that! I did eat occasionally, but not much. So my teen years were a blur of getting down to the correct size (0) and impressing my boyfriend. DUMB!!!

Once that guy was out of my life, and I was slowly realizing that I didn't need to not eat, I found a new guy. My husband. He cured me of a lot of things just by loving and accepting me for who I am. That's not to say we haven't had our ups and downs, because we HAVE! Oh yes, we have. It's been a crazy almost 16(!) years, I tell ya!

Things were going rather smoothly in our lives up to that point. He went into the Navy, he was away for two years, he came back and we started our life living together. It was a hard two years, but we got through it. We got pregnant with Nae, went through a lot of emotional turmoil with that pregnancy, but came out on the other side with a HUGE sigh of relief and a HEALTHY baby. Something we weren't sure we were going to end up with and were prepared for the alternative.

As we started our lives with this baby, I threw myself into the roll of mother/wife. I did nothing for myself. I was happy to do so, it wasn't like I was forced to be selfless, it's just what I did. When we tried for another for years and got nothing but heartache, I threw myself into the roll even MORE so. During this time, I was slowly finding out exactly who Beautiful Mess was. I was starting to branch out a bit. Then Zilla came and I found myself throwing myself back into The Roll and Beautiful Mess was gone. I was happy to have the second chance and was fine with throwing out the new/old Beautiful Mess and just be the mom/wife again.

As Zilla got older, I branched out again. I went out with the girls and really found Beautiful Mess. She was a self confident, fun, happy girl. She was still selfless and would happily do things for her family and friends, but still knew that time for Beautiful Mess was necessary.

That woman slowly disappeared the day we heard that my mom had a stroke and was in the hospital. There were many months of rehab, adjusting medication, and doctor's appointments to deal with for my mom. I was either at home with my family or at my mom's side. I was helping my mom with her rehab or I was home cooking dinner. It needed to be done, so I did it. No big deal.

The day I went to the hospital and watched my mom die, the woman I was before died with her. I was lost. I didn't know where or who I was. I felt like an orphan. I felt useless. Especially so after the funeral, there was nothing left for me to do. So I did nothing. I just did what would have gotten me through the day and onto the next. I did that for three years. I rarely went out without a member of my family. If I did, it was at the urging of Husband. I've never EVER heard of a husband BEGGING his wife to go out with her girlfriends, but mine did. He encouraged me to go have fun and de-stress. Told me many times "it's OK, everything will be fine. Just go, have fun!" I would sometimes end up going AND having a good time, but there was always a part of me feeling like I shouldn't be out. I should be home, with my family or with my lil sis and dad. Instead of confronting this feeling, I buried it...DEEP! I became what many people know as "The Beautiful Mess"

This woman rarely did things for herself. If she did, she was racked with guilt over it. If she didn't go, she would eventually get bitter and angry. She got so sick of people saying "I'm sorry" or "I know how you feel, my *insert dead person's name here*died too". She would nod and disregarding her feelings because she had faked it so well, everyone thought she was fine. She thought "if everyone thinks I'm fine, I might as well BE fine". It was not the smartest thing she's ever done.

This Beautiful Mess stayed a long time, about three years. This woman cried alone. Rarely did she reach out. Sometimes when she did reach out, she was rejected by those who were suppose to "get it". They did not get it. It might have been that she wasn't explaining it correctly, words weren't coming out right. It might have been very hard to see this woman, whom they all thought was strong, was not. It was all an act. She was strong on the outside and sometimes that act was to hard to bear and she would slip. Her friends didn't know how to react. So they pretended it wasn't happening. There were a lot of hurt feelings and some relationships that won't ever be the same.

Today, right now, there is a new Beautiful Mess. She is Beautiful, but not so much of a mess anymore. I am beautiful, but not so much of a mess anymore. There will be days that will be messy, but those days won't last for months or years. Those days will be short lived. I know that now.

Who I am today is because of who I was when I was anorexic. Who I was when we thought Nae was sick. When we discovered she was NOT sick. When my body betrayed me and ruined our plans of what our family was suppose to look like. The day we welcomed Zilla into our family. When my mom had her strokes. When my mom diagnosed with cancer. When my mom died and finally when I accepted her death as not the end of my life or hers.

I hope to be this Beautiful Mess for a long time. I hope that when life happens, as I'm sure it will, I'll look back on my mistakes and not repeat them.

Happy ICLW! Have a seat and let me grab you a cup of coffee, glass of wine or a can of soda and you can tell me about yourself. Lets chat! Or we can layout in the sun reading magazines, drooling over the good lookin people and their beautiful clothes and gossip. Enjoy your time in my little corner of the blogosphere. Thank you for stopping by. You're ALWAYS welcome.

44 friends have commented:

WiseGuy on June 21, 2009 at 1:56 AM said...

Infinite Wisdom. You know your answers yourself. So precious.


Hugs. Take Care!

eden on June 21, 2009 at 2:05 AM said...

WOW!!

Mate, look at you, evolving. This is just so heart-warming to witness. Just wow.

Please don't ever stop being messy .... and you couldn't stop being beautiful if you tried.

Such a lot of wisdom and strength in that post.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

PS AWESOMESAUCE

My name is Andy. on June 21, 2009 at 3:26 AM said...

I'm glad to have had the honour of meeting and getting to know this Beautiful Mess as she is the composition and (current) end result of all the Beautiful Mess's that got you to today!

Great post.

WiseGuy on June 21, 2009 at 4:24 AM said...

LOLOL...I am devolving!


*ICLW*

Kristina on June 21, 2009 at 5:49 AM said...

Another post that sounds like it came out of my head :)

P.S. I LOVED the story about your mom. Don't you wish it could happen every day?

Aunt Becky on June 21, 2009 at 6:57 AM said...

Dude. You know I freaking love you. xoxo

becomingwhole on June 21, 2009 at 9:07 AM said...

It is amazing to look back and trace how you have grown, and exactly where the growing started and was nurtured. I am so happy to know you.

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL on June 21, 2009 at 12:58 PM said...

Look how far you've come!!

Thrilled that you're at a point where the "mess" is PART of your life, but not consuming ALL of your life. Yea you!! ((HUGS!))

Kristin on June 21, 2009 at 2:16 PM said...

What a beautiful post. I am so impressed with how insightful this is.

Parenthood For Me on June 21, 2009 at 2:32 PM said...

Thank you for sharing so much about your journey through life. I am so glad you are feeling better about life and yourself. You are an amazing person.

Mugsy on June 21, 2009 at 4:15 PM said...

Thank you - for being you. You are a beautiful mess and the cheerleader we all need.

Liv on June 21, 2009 at 4:32 PM said...

I love the evolution of a Beautiful Mess! And that term is right on. It's been amazing to watch your transformation to be happy where you are. To honor your mother while still living.

Of course we might now need to add the title of "Twitterholic" to that too! :o)

Love ya girlie!!!

Dora on June 21, 2009 at 4:32 PM said...

Awesome post. It's been incredible watching you go through changes.

Echloe on June 21, 2009 at 4:47 PM said...

Coffee for me please. I would love to chat and tell you all about me. But I don't know if I can do so as eloquently as you just did. But if you want come on over to my blog and say hello. I'll be back here for sure.

ICLW

Cassandra on June 21, 2009 at 7:33 PM said...

My mom also waited on me hand and foot. Other kids envied me, but even then I knew she wasn't doing me any favors. Luckily I was independent by nature and taught myself to do everything, but I know others who are incompetent as adults because their parents wanted to "help" their kids and kept them dependent. I'm sure your girls will learn some better lessons, even if they are cursing the chores at the time...

Happy ICLW!

katery on June 22, 2009 at 5:07 AM said...

awwww, what a sweet post! i'm glad you have found some peace with yourself!

natalie on June 22, 2009 at 6:07 AM said...

Great post! You've 'grown' so much :)

MoxieMamaKC on June 22, 2009 at 7:36 AM said...

What an absolutely beautiful post. Your writing is always so good. Keep up the great work!

Julie on June 22, 2009 at 10:47 AM said...

New to your blog (ICLW) and loved your post -albeit hit a bit close to home (ED also in my past, harder to talk about that than our time with IF) A great read!

nutmeg96 on June 22, 2009 at 12:04 PM said...

Wow, I'm impressed with your "life in a nutshell" -- it sounds like you've come a long way.

ICLW

Melissa G on June 22, 2009 at 1:51 PM said...

Wow what an incredible post. You've been through so much, thank you for your honesty.

iclw

kate on June 22, 2009 at 2:03 PM said...

You are indeed a Beautiful one. I'm lucky to count you among my bloggy friends, and this post shows exactly why.

Sunny on June 22, 2009 at 2:22 PM said...

What a candid and heartfelt post. Thank you for sharing that journey. Mine is different of course, but like you, I can see that who I am today is a result of difficult challenges I have faced. I wouldn't want to repeat them, but I can see how they allowed me to grow in a healthy, positive way.

MAK-now on June 22, 2009 at 3:44 PM said...

Eva-lution is da bomb!! (My own silly little play on words)

You go girl!

Happy ICLW!

Busted Tube on June 22, 2009 at 6:09 PM said...

Great post and great evolution!!
It's a beautiful day here and if I wasn't headed to yoga I'd want a glass of rose... I guess I'll stick with water until after class!

Phoebe on June 22, 2009 at 7:50 PM said...

I loved what you said about the strong woman falling apart and no one knowing what to do or say, even those who supposedly know what to say. Your paragraph about that validated my similar experience of being the with-it-woman who fell apart. I guess in the end, we just have to figure it out for ourselves. I think you have said this on my comments that love is a big part of that. Hard lessons learned.

daega99 on June 23, 2009 at 3:32 AM said...

Oh wow - such a lovely post!

Thanks for visiting my blog!

ICLW #31

tomi on June 23, 2009 at 4:26 AM said...

Thank you for sharing this with us *hugs* :)

Eve on June 23, 2009 at 8:48 AM said...

What a wonderful evolution you've had. I agree, less mess, more beautiful! Even when we get LESS beautiful on the outside (not that you are btw) as we get older...the inside of us continues to bloom a grow and become even more beautiful than we could've imagined at 16 years old.

Hugs girl!

Deb on June 23, 2009 at 9:23 AM said...

Who we are on the inside is often very difficult to explain. We live our lives with most people seeing and knowing so little about the real person and what has made us who we are. Thank you for sharing your journey

Tina on June 23, 2009 at 9:46 AM said...

Wow, what a beautiful story. It makes me want to go and look back on my life to see my evolution (I definitely could not put it as eloquently as you did)!

Thanks for putting a smile on my face today!

Tina
ICLW

alicia on June 23, 2009 at 10:59 AM said...

wow, what an amazing post! you are really an amazing women who I feel lucky to know! It is so true that everything we go through really does shape us to be the amazing people we become!

hugs

Mama Bear on June 23, 2009 at 11:13 AM said...

great post! very insightfull to who you are and a lot of women I know!!! thanks for putting it out here for us!

Stacey K on June 23, 2009 at 12:16 PM said...

Beautiful post

Marie on June 23, 2009 at 2:49 PM said...

I think you are such a neat person. I bet IRL we would do just what you said. Read magazines and gossip about boys ;).

mrsmoore08 on June 23, 2009 at 5:29 PM said...

What a great post! Thanks for the comment :) I just might have to take you up on that. ((hugs))

JamieD on June 23, 2009 at 6:43 PM said...

Can I tell you how much I love Beautiful Mess?!?!

((((HUGS))))

Lisa RM on June 23, 2009 at 6:47 PM said...

Heart-wrenching story. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, eh?

ICLW

Me on June 23, 2009 at 8:35 PM said...

Thanks for sharing your story, and for all of your comments on my blog. Happy ICLW. - Tkeys

Deathstar on June 24, 2009 at 9:46 AM said...

I like you Beautiful Mess, I really do!

IF Optimist, then... on June 24, 2009 at 12:43 PM said...

A beautiful and moving post. Thank you so much for sharing and happy ICLW.

cowboyboot lady on June 24, 2009 at 1:17 PM said...

This is so touching. Thank you for sharing! You have been through so much. You ARE beautiful!

ryanandjoesmom on June 25, 2009 at 12:10 PM said...

A true evolution. So glad I came across your life. I may indeed stay awhile, but not sit in the sun with you - I tend to burst into flames if I do. Thank you for stopping by my little corner of the world!

ICLW

honeywine on June 26, 2009 at 2:37 PM said...

I'm always amazed at how much women take on themselves. We all seem to do it. It takes a lot to own what we are.

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