May 8, 2010

Hanging on by a Thread

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
I'm trying, I really am and I may even be succeeding...if only on the outside. On the inside, not so much. I'm a truly living up to my name "Beautiful Mess" these past few weeks. Mother's day *sigh* I am not a fan. My first mother's day without my mom was tough, but I dealt with it. And by "dealt with it" I mean Peaches and I made many batches of margarita and we drank them all. Not a very good way to deal with something, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I didn't cry one time, thank you very much Patron, I was a happy drunk. The next year I didn't want to acknowledge the day at all. I wanted it to be any other day, but that wasn't an option. So I allowed Dirty and the children to do their thing while crying when the children weren't around. Last year was rough too, but a dear bloggy friend organized "OMG You Rock" and I was able to focus my energies on someone else and look forward to open my gift. It worked and the day wasn't so horrible. This year is the exact opposite. I hear or see a commercial for Mother's Day and I get angry. I've even gave the TV the middle finger, I'm oh SO mature.

I know it's selfish but I want to scream at the TV "not everyone wants to celebrate Mother's Day, assholes!" I can't escape the day, no matter how hard I try. And apparently I'm not pulling off the "I'm fine" front I'm trying to pass off. Dirty told me yesterday he wasn't sure what to do for Mother's Day. He knows I want to forget it and do nothing, but can't. I just want Sunday to pass as quickly as possible so I can get out of this damn funk I've been in for two weeks.

I'm not sure what's in store for Sunday. I do know that Zilla has something for me he made at school and I'm so very appreciative he was able to make something for me. He also has a flower to give me, if only it wasn't a mum, that might not make the tears flow so easily. I don't know what Dirty and Nae have planned and I'm really hoping it isn't something huge. I am just not ready to celebrate this day. All the other holidays, I can deal with. Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and all the rest, I can get through without wanting to throw something at my TV or hide in bed for hours, but not this one. Yes, I am SO grateful for my family and the fact that they want to show appreciation for me on this day, despite it not sounding that way. I am perfectly aware there are women who would like nothing more than to have a mum given to them by their child. Right now, in this moment, I can't get over the fact that I can't celebrate with my mom.

I always spoiled my mom on Mother's day. I would get her flowers, a sweet card and something nice. Something that was just for her, something that she didn't have to share with anyone else, something to celebrate her womanhood and how amazing she is. I haven't been able to do that in four years and that hurts, a lot. Thinking about our past mother's days, just makes me sad. Thinking that if I bought her a card right now, she wouldn't be able to enjoy it and I wouldn't be able to see the tears of gratitude in her eyes, that just breaks my heart.

I know I'll get through this and the other side is a nice and calm place to be, but at this moment that place seems very far off. I'll get there, it'll take some tears and some hissy fits, but I'll get there.

17 friends have commented:

Raelene on May 8, 2010 at 1:08 PM said...

I understand...100%. I'm not digging it this year either. It's my 2nd one without my mom and it's funny that you said you gave the TV the finger, because I told it to fuck off last night during a mothers day ad. It really is hard.

My name is Andy. on May 8, 2010 at 2:30 PM said...


Mrs. Gamgee on May 8, 2010 at 4:05 PM said...

Sending ((hugs)) and prayers for a peaceful heart.

Mrs Bee on May 8, 2010 at 6:29 PM said...

Big squishy hugs for you wifey!
I love you!


Stacie on May 8, 2010 at 11:12 PM said...

Hugs, hon. I totally get this. Much love to you today and always...

GeekByMarriage on May 9, 2010 at 12:17 AM said...

I love you, sweetie. I'm always here for you just a txt message or phone call away. Hope you don't mind me trying to distract you, that's how I roll.


Quiet Dreams on May 9, 2010 at 8:12 AM said...


Thinking of you today.

Quiet Dreams on May 9, 2010 at 8:12 AM said...


Thinking of you today.

Kristin on May 9, 2010 at 7:56 PM said...

{{{Hugs}}} and love coming your way.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you are feeling so sad. My husband had the same type of a day; his mother died a couple of years ago from cancer. He misses her terribly.

When I read your words I thought of how proud your mother must have been to have such a giving, wonderful daughter. She would want you to be happy. I wish I could say something that would let you see that.

But I know I can’t your heart hurts to much.

Let your children and husband show you how wonderful you are, and enjoy that moment, you are a sweet heart.

kate on May 10, 2010 at 9:16 AM said...

Thinking of you, sending you peace and hugs.

Jingle on May 11, 2010 at 5:01 PM said...

best wishes!

Jamie on May 11, 2010 at 6:42 PM said...

I am so very sorry. I am also sorry to be reading this three days ~after~ sending you the HMD text. As usual, my timing is impeccable.

I know you miss your Mom terribly. But look at what a wonderful mom you are. Your Mom has left her mark on this world with you. I hope your family treated you to a special day on Sunday because you are such a special person.

During our TTC years, I was also known to throw a few f-bombs at MD commercials. It's not just you!

Anonymous said...


I hope the kids made it special for you and you didn't get too upset.

Anonymous said...

I know I'm late commenting on this, since I've been MIA lately, but I know you got through it and am so proud of you! You are such a strong woman!!! Love you girly!!!

Mama Melissa on May 17, 2010 at 8:13 AM said...

how did you get through the day, did it end up ok? **big hugs** i'm sorry that day is so awful for you.

my saving grace is my little Mia... but the foster is getting tougher. having a hard time.


Flying Monkeys on May 18, 2010 at 3:05 PM said...

I hope the day was kind to you. I am sorry for your sadness.

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