May 1, 2010

Project What If

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
I debated on posting this all week. I am a HUGE supporter for all my beautiful, amazing Bloggy friends going through infertility, but I always feel like a fake when I say we struggled with infertility, too. Not that our struggles don't mean anything or "count", but what we went through was NOTHING compared to what some of you go through on a daily basis. My biggest fear when joining the ALI group on Mel's blog roll was offending someone who is struggling. That, THANKFULLY, has never happened. Not that I'm aware of at least. I know that the pain of infertility isn't a pissing contest, nor would anyone look at me and say "you don't belong", but still! The thought of offending someone or causing someone pain with my words, makes me want to cry and run away from my blog. I'm a compassionate woman, and I feel horrible for those still struggling. I know that NIAW is an important week to all of us and we (even me) should make infertility something everyone can talk about. I posted a status update on FB and got a lot of support and after reading MANY of the posts, I have decided to do my own.

What if I hadn't gotten pregnant with Nae? What would my life look like now?
What if I hadn't gotten an infection in my uterus, thus causing scarring?
What if the scarring hadn't caused my first miscarriage?
What if my mom never told me about hers? Would I know what was happening to my body?
What if I hadn't had my second miscarriage? Would that child been a girl or a boy?
What if I had both those children I miscarried? Would I have 4 alive children, or would we have stopped at two?
What if my BIL allowed us to adopt his son, before I got pregnant with Zilla? Would we have still tried to have another?
What if we had stopped at two? Would the second be just like Zilla?
What if I didn't know my body so well and didn't realize I was having another miscarriage in December 2008?
What would have happened if I was able to carry that child to term?
What if I hadn't made the decision to take charge of my body and have my tubes tied after Zilla?
What if I was able to carry a child to term without medication or fear? Would we have more?
I don't have the answer to ANY of these questions. I do my best not to dwell on the what if's of life, they tend to make me sad. Instead I try to find the joy and beauty in what I have NOW.
Right now I have a family. It isn't the one I saw myself having when I was a child, but its the one that's perfect for me now. 
I vow to make a difference in the way people look at infertility. I will do my best to make people knowledgeable about the subject. I will continue to work toward my goal of being a fertility RN. I will talk about infertility in my classes and educate as many people as I can.

You can read more What If's at Mel's place in her comment section. They are all so beautifully written with such emotion. You can also go to Resolve's website and see what YOU can do to help spread the word.

10 friends have commented:

Raelene on May 1, 2010 at 8:27 PM said...

Your compassion amazes me. I hope you know that you are one of a kind.

Stacie on May 1, 2010 at 10:18 PM said...

You are not a fake. Your stuggles are just as heartbreaking as anyone else's! I am so sorry for all the pain you and your family suffered.

Now I have a what if for you:

What if you didn't join the blog roll? I would have missed out on knowing such an amazing, compassionate, funny person! I am so glad I found you! You are going to ROCK when you reach your nursing goal. R.O.C.K. I just know it!

Anonymous said...

Pain is pain, loss is loss honey, only the dept varies and no one is keeping count.

Your compassion oozes from your every pore and I'm blessed to be able to call you a friend.

I agree with Stacie...what if you hadn't of joined the blog much would WE have missed out on in knowing you?!?

Big hugs xxxx

Kristin on May 2, 2010 at 11:23 AM said...

You belong just as much as any of us.

And, when are you coming to visit? YOU would feel right at home in my disastrous house...LOL.

Anonymous said...

What a wonderful and positive caring post.


JJ on May 2, 2010 at 3:14 PM said...

Im so glad I have gotten to know you through this community--thank you for putting this post out there!

Jamie on May 3, 2010 at 12:35 PM said...

The whole "IF" acronym of "infertility" has always seemed painfully ironic to me.

Love this post . . . you are always so thoughtful. You belong here just as much as anyone else!

Dolli-Mama on May 3, 2010 at 3:24 PM said...

sending you love and hugs. Your family is lucky to have you. And I'm glad that we are bloggy friends.

kate on May 5, 2010 at 7:44 AM said...

What a great What IF post! I love all the things you ponder in here... H and I had a long discussion the other day about what our family would have looked like had pregnancy come easily for us, and no doubt, it would have been a very different picture. I don't really know whether that picture would be better or worse than our current one, but just that it would definitely be different.

It's hard being an infertile person who also already has a child (or who will *soon* have children in my case!). But the struggles to build the family you dream about are no less real than the struggles to start a family in the first place.

Jingle on May 11, 2010 at 5:02 PM said...

creative you,
Happy working!

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