Generally, I'm a great friend. I try to listen and give advice if asked. I usually give my opinion, but am always supportive of the other persons decision. I've always said "I may not agree with your choice, but that doesn't mean I won't support you and your choices". Lately though, this has been a bit more difficult.
One of my best friends has just broken up with her girlfriend. Her relationship with her girlfriend has caused her to put out friendship on the back burner many times. I've accepted this because it makes my friend happy to be with this woman. This woman and I do not get a long. It's gotten better, but I would never call us "friends". I've tried so many times to take the high road and be kind to her, but she really does not like me. I believe, she's jealous of me. Not of who I am, but what kind of friendship I have with my best friend. When I have a friend, they mean a lot to me. I enjoy spending a lot of time with that person. So, the girlfriend was jealous and tried to put a wedge between my friend and I. It worked for awhile, until my friend realized what was going on.
The relationship they have is not healthy. It's not just my opinion, but it's a fact. Her g/f controls her and she allows herself to be controlled. Her g/f calls her anytime of the day, tells her to get her some food and she goes and does it. It's a very unhealthy relationship, to say the least. But it isn't my relationship. It's my friend's. It's none of my business to pass judgment on their relationship. All I can do is be supportive and be here when my friend needs me. I've done my best to not talk badly about her g/f when she talks to me about their problems or whatever. I've really done my best to be kind and give support when needed. I've even gone so far as to invite her g/f over for dinner or to do something with us. She always declines, but I figure if this person is going to be in my best friend's life, then I better just suck it up and kill her with kindness. Which was working rather well. I'd hold my tongue when I felt I was about to say something unkind. I'd detach me personal feelings and try to be as neutral as possible. I've even gone so far as to give my friend advice on why her g/f acts the way she does.
Well, they broke up a few weeks ago. Usually they get back together in a matter of time, but g/f doesn't want to have anything to do with my friend. Although, I feel bad for my friend because obviously she's sad about all of this, I just can't bare to give her any type of emotional support. I've done it so many times and gotten nothing in return but hurt feelings on my part. They brake up, we become close friend again, they get back together and I'm nobody. It really hurts my feelings to put so much emotional effort in making her feel better when it's not getting returned to me.
Part of me doesn't understand why she's so upset. her g/f treats her like shit. She's even admitted it! She said "I'm having 'get shit on' withdraws. I miss my g/f". All she does is hole herself in her room. She doesn't eat dinner with us, she NEVER returns my text messages, she hardly ever talks to me anymore, and when I ask her to do something, she'll either not answer her phone, or decline for some reason or another. I know I need to be supportive, but I guess I just don't know how, anymore. So, I've just kind of let her be. I've allowed her to do her mopey thing and have her pity parties without acknowledging them.
On one hand I feel like I'm being a horrible friend when she's clearly in need, but how much do I give of myself to her? I know depression, I honestly do. I've been there many times. There's been many times when all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and wallow in self pity, but that's because MY MOM DIED! I know I can't compare the two, because her feelings are different from mine and she probably is feeling like someone died. But I can't keep on doing this. I can't keep up with her mood swings and try to help her when she won't allow me to help and I can't give all myself to her when all is well, I'll just get tossed onto the back burner again.
If anyone has ANY advice for me, I'd GREATLY appreciate it. Feel free to call me an asshole for not being as compassionate about her feelings as I could, because I kind of am. I just want her to be my happy friend again, or something close to that.