Feb 27, 2009

Wooo Look at Me go!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
Somewhere along the line, some how, I grew up! Not only did I make the choice to face the facts and deal with the fact that my mom is dead. I, sadly, know this now. It's still a process, but I'm going through it with my eyes open and I'm no longer running from the pain. It helps, who knew my therapist, husband, friends and family were right? So, there was that. That made me grow up a bit.

And then I decided to start exercising. At first it sucked A LOT. It still sucks, but it's getting easier. I've even upped my workout to 40 minutes. I still find myself wishing Bob a slow painful death when I have to do ANOTHER push up, but not as much as I did before.

It may have been the exercising thing, or the "my mom is dead" thing, but the choices I've made lately aren't the same choices I would have made this time last year. I went to a friend's birthday party last night. My designated driver said he didn't want stay out late, so we were only staying until midnight. I was apprehensive about going because a few of our friends tend to cry when they start drinking and I can not handle it. They talk about dead boyfriends, grandmothers and parents and such and I can't deal. I'm not that far into this acceptance process not to be affected by it. I go out with my friends to get away from my thoughts. So, when they start crying, I walk away. Yes, it's not very kind or compassionate, but I don't cry very often and I sure as hell don't cry in public, if I can control it. So, to have a time limit on this evening was perfect for me.

As the night wore on, we were having a really good time. No tears! I had a few martinis, friends had a few beers and we were celebrating a birthday! It was a lot of fun! Then came midnight and my DD didn't want to leave. But I did. He was having a good time, and didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay too, but I kept thinking "I want to work out in the morning and I don't want to be tired and/or hungover". I was very shocked at my train of thoughts. Normally I'd throw caution to the wind and have a grand old time closing the bar down and downing a few more drinks. But not last night. I was home WAY before the bar closed. I came home a little tipsy, and snuggled into my bed happy as a clam to be next to my husband's warm body. I'm a grown up, now.

Mostly, nobody really understood my want not to leave. I'm not sure I really understood it until today. I just know that in order for me to get to the place I want to be, I need to make different choices. I need to realize I can't fix my friends' problems. I can't change their moods or outlook on life if they don't want them to be changed. I can't continue to think about everyone before myself. I have to know exactly who I am and what I want before I try to tell someone else that they are making the wrong choice. Even if it's just my opinion.

Slowly but surly I'm getting there. I feel like I am SO close to being there, that I can taste it. This could all be a false alarm or it could be The real Thing. Even if it is a false alarm, it will prepare me for The Real Thing.

I'm conquering all my mountains and some day, soon hopefully, I'll be the trailblazer I so badly want to be. In the mean time, I'll accept my grown up badge, thank you very much :D

4 friends have commented:

Kristin on February 27, 2009 at 9:22 PM said...

You rock as a grown up!

eden on February 27, 2009 at 11:34 PM said...

I totally, TOTALLY relate to this post!!! Look at us, being grownups together!!

It feels good, doesn't it. However, I KNOW we can both act six at the drop of a hat :)


Liv on February 28, 2009 at 10:13 AM said...

I'm happy that you have made these realizations. How you are going through it with your eyes open and not running from the pain, is a grand accomplishment.

I wish I had the discipline at this point to have a regular workout routine. Best I can do is ride my bike when it's nice out.

I like what you said about choices. Very true.


Kymberli on February 28, 2009 at 5:15 PM said...

Wow. I think it's so amazing when you're lucky enough to FEEL a big change in your life and a shift in your thinking. We're not always able to sense those moments as they're coming, and usually it's only when looking in retrospect that we realized we've changed. Enjoy it. Savor it. It's yours now!

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