Feb 19, 2009

I Want to be a Trailblazer!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
Not one of the NBA Trailblazers. Although, now that I think about it...it might be fun to be on their team. Watching Blake toss up his 3 point shot, seeing Alderich shoot a free throw, watching Oden going up for a rebound, watching Pryzbilla block a shot from another team, or watching Roy shoot a winning basket at the buzzer! Ahhh yes and then sitting there while their all breathing heavily and dripping with sweat from running up and down the court *dreamy sigh* Yes, that would be fun times, but since I'm not very good at basketball, I doubt I could be on the team. Maybe in my next life?

I want to be the kind of trailblazer who can help someone with what I've gone through. Eden, wrote a post about it and I realized that I want THAT! I would really love to be a person who someone can look up to, should they ever be in my position. I would love to give them advice and the right answers. Right now, the best I can do is, "take care of yourself" and "don't run away from it. It'll only catch up with you". Who doesn't know that already?! Hell, I knew that before my mom died and I did it anyway!

I know to get to that point where I can maybe, possibly lead others to a state of acceptance, I need to get there myself. Maybe me wanting to be a trailblazer is part of this journey. I won't know until all is said and done. I don't know if I'm any closer then I was a few weeks ago, but I'm feeling the lows and the highs. That's huge for me!

Yesterday was a low. The weather was beautiful, but I just couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel the sun inside me. All I felt was sad and tired. I took a few cat naps on the couch, but I was still so tired. I kept wondering why I was so sad. What happened to make me sad? What shifted to make me go from happy to sad? I was totally over thinking it. I was over analyzing it and still came up with no answer. Finally around 10:30, after waking up from yet another snooze on the couch, I went to bed. I fell sleep right away. Apparently napping all day, makes me more tired? Husband thought it was because I was sleeping TOO much. He said my sleep cycle is off. I still went to bed. I just wanted my comfy bed and SLEEP!

I woke up this morning and felt good. I wasn't tired and I didn't have to fight the urge to stay in bed until the very last possible minute. I got breakfast and coffee and I still felt good. The sun is shinning and I can almost feel it! I got Nae off to school and I wasn't in a rush. I did my exercises this morning and it felt good! So maybe I just needed to give myself the day to feel tired? Maybe I needed to allow myself to be sad just because I felt sad.

I didn't tell anyone what was wrong with me, I just kept saying I was tired. Which was true, but I could have elaborated on my feelings. I just didn't feel like sharing it, though. For some reason, I wanted to keep it to myself. I wanted to hold my sadness around me and snuggle into it like a blanket. So, that's what I did. I didn't fight it, I didn't pretend I wasn't sad. I just was.

Today, I'm glad I gave myself that day to be sad. Right now, I think it was a good idea. Maybe if I continue to allow myself these days, I'll be the trailblazer I so baldy want to be. I can't help heal anyone else, if I don't help myself first.

3 friends have commented:

Kristin on February 19, 2009 at 1:39 PM said...

"I can't help heal anyone else, if I don't help myself first."

That is so very true. If you don't allow yourself to experience the emotions, you can never move on.

eden on February 19, 2009 at 5:31 PM said...

You are such a sweetheart. Do you know, you are probably a trailblazer in some peoples life already, without knowing it.

But most of all, you are DEFINITELY a trailblazer in your childrens life. Paving a solid, steady and honest way for them.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

alicia on February 20, 2009 at 8:34 AM said...

Hey I have given you an award!! I think you already have this one, but I love you, so you get it again! check out my blog for details.

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